That Older Sister of Mine – a Pride and Prejudice Vagary

Extracts from the personal journal of Miss Lydia Bennet, fifteen years of age, of Longbourn, Hertfordshire.

Chapter 1

~ Meryton's October Assembly, Tuesday the fifteenth of October, late after the ball ~

How very dare you, you awful, conceited man! I heard each and every one of your words, and I saw the pain in Lizzy's dark eyes, the tears she held back.

"She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men."

Well, you despicable, blind fool, my sister is one of the handsomest ladies you could ever meet, and had you asked her for a set, you would have seen how beautiful her eyes are when they sparkle with joy during a dance.

How can you think Lizzy would be slighted by any man other than you? Generous heart that she is, she only sits a set down at every ball to ensure all of us younger girls can enjoy our evenings too, or did you not see how few dance partners there was in Meryton? Not that you can be counted as a desirable dance partner, you pompous, snotty snob. Tonight, Lizzy declined her dance with John Lucas so that poor Susie Long's aunt stopped berating her.

Now poor Susie is not pretty with that tooth of hers, and her dress was very ugly today, and perhaps I would not be so angry with you if you had found her not handsome enough, but not Lizzy, you ridiculous, arrogant oaf. No, I would still be mad at you as a gentleman does not insult a lady, pretty or not, and Susie is sweet and sensitive, you would have made her cry.

Now look at what you have done, you have me, Lydia Margaret Bennet, writing in my journal by candlelight in the middle of the night, in the tiny sitting room that does not even have a fireplace, between my room and Mary's, so that Kitty can sleep, after a ball of all nights to choose from! This is seriously not right and I am cold, you silly, boring buffoon.

Argh, I wish I could scream, but I would wake everyone up.

Deep breath.

Lizzy, my beautiful, kind Lizzy. I saw how you tried to make light of his boorish insult. Too many people heard him, you could not pretend you heard nothing. Most of our neighbours bought your pretence well enough, for they do not see how tender your heart is underneath the smile you display so easily, and those clever comments you make and we do not always understand.

But I know you, and I love you for all the care you show everyone around you; I saw you look at that man when he walked in the assembly room; I think you were a little struck by his handsome face - how I hate to admit that terrible dunderhead is handsome, but I saw interest in your eyes for a moment, Lizzy. You do not ever look at men that way, was there something about him that spoke to your heart? And then he had to ruin it and hurt you.

It is late now, or should I say early now? I am a bit confused by what is the correct way to refer to this ungodly hour. Either way, you are now hopefully in your bed, resting, and I will do the same.

Sleep well my sister, we will speak tomorrow.

LMB.

~ Wednesday the sixteenth of October, the day after the assembly, late afternoon ~

Oh what a frustrating day! I did not sleep enough; I never do after a dance.

Why is Mama always upset with Lizzy and Mary?

I know Mary did not dance much, but there are not enough men left with the war going on, and Mary does not really like to dance anyway. Why can't Mama see that Mary prefers books and music to most of our neighbours? She is not a bluestocking, but she has little interest in fashion like many of the girls here, is that so wrong?

And Lizzy did nothing at all for that blunderbuss to insult her, Mama should not blame her. How can Mama say that Lizzy is not pretty, I will never understand. I know she is not as tall as Jane or I, and her hair is dark and a little curly, like Mary's, rather than golden and smooth like Jane, Kitty and I, but her features are delicate and feminine, I think when she smiles, she is beautiful; all her walking around the country have made her body strong and, I think, rather alluring, but I guess I do not know what men like.

I do wish my waist and legs were as well shaped as hers, but I simply cannot get up so early to go on long walks with her. And no one sees the shape of my legs under my dresses, so it is not too bad.

Maybe I will try again – those legs are really nice, comely – can I use comely for something no one sees?

Maybe I will walk with her tomorrow.

I did not manage to talk to Lizzy alone today, but Mama's constant moaning will not have made her feel any better.

Still, she visited the new tenants of the north farm today, after the call from the Lucas ladies, they have the farm close to the base of Oakham Mount. I think they are called Havery or Havens, or something like that. She was much happier when she came back as they have three small children. Lizzy does love children, and I think she will make a great mother one day.

I wish I had a Mama like Lizzy; she is so much less exhausting than our Mama.

I do need to ask Lizzy about the war again, I really do not understand why we always seem to be at war with France. Maybe it is just to make sure history lessons are confusing as every years seems to be the start or the end of yet another war, and I cannot keep them all straight in my head. It is so very difficult to learn history. Maybe the war is to stop us going to Paris for the pretty dresses they make there, I would like a French modist. Lizzy will know.

LMB

~ Friday the twenty fifth of October ~

What is Jane about? My oldest sister has always been a bit dull; sweet and beautiful, yes, but compared to Lizzy or myself, she has no spark and is really slow to pick things up. I would not say that to anyone, Mama adores Jane above us all as she is so pretty, and Lizzy loves her and would defend her, but then Lizzy loves all of us, and will let none insult her sisters or belittle us. And in truth, I do love Jane, as she is kind and gentle enough.

Anyway, in the past week, I think she has gotten worse. She spends just forever looking outside the window, daydreaming.

Mary thinks Jane may be in love with our new neighbour, Mr Bingley, but I simply cannot understand it. The man is positively odd. We met him at the assembly last week, and he has visited a few times since, but goodness, how can Jane bear his company for so long, I certainly know not.

For a start, the man has a permanent smile on his face. I honestly think Mr Darcy's constant frown is less disturbing – I can understand the snobbish bore hating us for our unrefined manners; what a good joke for a man with no manners at all and who doesn't seem to mind the Bingley women who are positively rude and crass. Still, to approve everything and love everyone like that jolterhead – I do like that word, it was part of a list of insults in one of Papa's books I was not supposed to read, I will try to use as many of these as I can here as I cannot say them aloud without getting in serious trouble, although I forgot many already, I will need to steal a look at the book again - anyway, to love everyone and see no ill that is just bizarre. Even Jane, who is hopelessly naive can see faults in our parents, but that man seems not to notice at all.

Of course, what he seems to approve of more are Jane's smiles and blushes; such a tame, boring courtship they seem to engage in; yuk and no, for myself I want passion, joy and excitement when I fall in love.

I did ask Lizzy, and she approves of him for Jane; she told me that I need to account for differences of character, and that while Mr Bingley would never suit either of us – she did not add he would drive us to madness and violence, but I could read that in her looks – he may well be perfect for Jane.

I still do not know whether I approve of him. Does Jane want such a colourless life? Will she really be happy with such a dull man? Who will take decisions in that household, or take a stand for what is right if they do not see the wrong? How can she be so very different from Lizzy and I?

Mary is a little different too, but I think it is because she wants to hide from Mama, she can be as clever and funny as Lizzy but she is not so brave – none of us are quite so brave, but I think I am closer. Kitty is too shy, unlike us, but I know she has some passion inside ready to be unleashed; she is not yet ready, she has not found anything that she loves just for herself, but one day she will be just as passionate as the three of us. Only Jane is so very different really, so tame.

I wonder what Mary and Kitty would be like with different parents, at least a different Mama, like Aunt Gardiner or even Aunt Phillips. Would they be stronger and more lively? Would they still be quiet little mice who stay in the shadows? I wish I could know. I love them now, but with more fire, they would be just magnificent, I am sure of it.

It is sad our Aunt Phillips had no children, I think she is less silly than people think, and she would have adored a little girl.

LMB

~ Saturday the twenty sixth of October ~

I thought about love and passion last night. I have never been in love, but I do not despair yet, I am still young and there are still many gentlemen I have not met. One of them is bound to be interesting enough.

I have tried to think of the type of men each of us should look for.

Lizzy deserves the best, so her husband must be handsome and clever, educated, well read and loving being out of doors. He must be passionate too as Lizzy feels everything so deeply. Oh and the theatre, he must like that for my sister really enjoys it. I guess he will need a decent fortune for all that, especially if they have many children – did I already write that Lizzy would be the best mother possible? Well, she would be – maybe a man of fifteen hundred pounds a year would do. Lizzy is good with money, better than me, she would manage very well on such an income, even better with two thousand like Longbourn.

Mary needs a parson or a solicitor, I think. She does not like being out of doors too much, does not ride or walk much, so an estate would be simply dreadful for her. She loves books and music, and she does dote on our cousins, so I expect she will want children and do well enough by them. She has no expensive taste, and I am ashamed to say that of my own sister, but she has no eye for decoration, fashion or beauty. Such a shame really as she would not be thought plain if she knew how to make the best of her darker looks. The upside of this though is that a man of the church with a living of five or six hundred pounds a year would see her set for life. Any Parish with our Mary in charge would thrive, who could sin when Mary looks at you with those clear dark eyes of hers; they are a bit like Lizzy's, and they look right into your soul. Very dangerous when you have just stolen the last lemon tart and do not want to confess.

Kitty and Jane are more difficult. Kitty because she is still looking for who she is, and until she knows, I cannot know what sort of man would do. Jane because she is rather bland; I guess Mr Bingley will do for her.

I will try to help Kitty find her passion; maybe I can get her to draw again, she was good at it but then Mama said she had no talent and she stopped drawing; I think Mama was just in one of her moods, Kitty is good, and she can learn to be better. I will ask Lizzy if she can give me a bit of money to buy Kitty some nice new pencils. I would buy them myself, but I have next to nothing left of my allowance – I do have that gorgeous blue ribbon for my bonnet though, it is so very pretty.

As for me, I need a lively gentleman who appreciate beauty. I need pretty dresses and a lovely house – it does not need to be large, but it must be beautiful and comfortable. I am not sure I am patient enough for many children, I guess I can try and improve there. And of course, my husband will need to be the most dashing of all our husbands. A uniform could do the trick. A soldier or a sailor perhaps, if they have enough fortune, for I do love shopping.

I wonder where we can find all these wonderful gentlemen.

LMB