After that conversation between Daniel, Jill and I, there was more talk about it, with others in the family.
I was present for some of those talks, and others I happened to walk in on. Adam and Hannah were of the opinion that Daniel and Jill should stay around
Murphys for a while after her divorce was final. Brian didn't say much, at least not where I heard him. Crane was supportive, as always, of Daniel, but I could tell
he would have liked to have them stay put, too.
I could Nancy didn't really care one way or the other. She had never really warmed up to Jill, though they talked about non-serious things, and they were
courteous to each other. Evan didn't say much, either, but I got the idea that he felt it was Daniel's choice to do what made him happy.
Guthrie and I felt the same-that we would have preferred to have Daniel stay around closer. Though Guthrie didn't feel the thought of the loss of Daniel as
deeply as I did. I thought out of all of us, it would be Crane and me, and Adam, too, that felt it the most.
The three weeks passed quickly. Too quickly, really. One afternoon, we were all sitting down to an early supper, when Daniel and Jill swept in,
both of their faces lit with happiness.
Daniel was waving a piece of paper, and everybody got up to crowd around the two of them, peering at the paper.
Divorce decree. I read the first few words, and then went back to sit in my chair again.
"We didn't have any property to haggle over," Jill was saying. "Just that old truck of mine-and Leo's had that so long anyway, so Daniel and the lawyer
said if it didn't matter to me-to just let Leo have it. We've been apart for so long that there wasn't much property to squabble about."
Daniel tapped the paper exuberantly. "This-right here-means freedom for Jill."
Jill seemed to lose some of her zest then, but she didn't say anything, she just kept smiling at Daniel.
"That's wonderful," Hannah was saying, hugging both of them.
"Yeah, Dan'l, congratulations, Jill," Brian said. "I guess it's alright to say congratulations, right?"
"Damn straight it's alright!" Daniel said, pulling Clare into his side for a hug.
"I'm happy for both of you," Clare said.
Adam hugged Daniel, giving his back a few solid pats. "Move up and along, huh?" he said.
"Yep," Daniel said.
Everybody took their respective seats at the table back again, and went back to making and eating tacos, and chattering away.
It was hard not to be swept up into Daniel's high spirits, and the laughter and jokes filled the rest of the supper time.
I was scraping food scraps into the dogs dishes outside the back door, when Daniel came out, pulling on his ball cap.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," I said, pausing, the empty bowl hanging down in my hand.
"Good news, huh?" he said.
"Yeah. Really good," I said. I smiled at him. The dark cloud that had been hanging over Daniel for so long had lifted completely.
I reached up with my free arm to hug his neck. "I'm glad for you. And for Jill. Maybe she'll have a real chance to be happy now."
Daniel drew back, his eyes running over my face. "You're a nice person. Genuinely nice. You know that?"
I shrugged, liking his words, and giving him a small smile.
Daniel leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Thanks, squirt," he said.
I wanted to ask Daniel a couple of questions. Things that were worrying me-about Leo, and about their return to Nashville. But, I didn't have it in
me right then to dim that light in his eyes.
So I just said, "You're welcome."
7
Later than night, I came downstairs after my shower and homework, padding down the stairs in bare feet and my yellow flannel pajamas. Adam and Crane
were playing a game of chess, and Guthrie was watching a movie on television. Everyone else was absent, probably most of them in bed or in their rooms.
I went to the kitchen to do my shot, and then got myself some peanut butter and crackers. I ambled back into the living room, and curled up on the edge
of the couch nearest to the small table and chairs that Adam and Crane were at. They generally left the chess board set up there, so they could return to it
whenever they had time.
I ate my snack and watched them play chess.
Waiting for Adam to make a move, Crane said, "Homework done?" to me.
I nodded. "Uh huh."
They were quiet then, both of them concentrating. I kept watching until Guthrie finished his movie, and stood up, turning off the television set.
"Night, everybody," he said, stretching his arms above his head.
"Goodnight," Crane said
"Night, buddy," Adam said.
"Night, Guth," I said.
When it was Crane's turn and he was thinking on what move to make, Adam said, "Time for bed, Harlie."
I hesitated, sitting where I was. "Can I watch your game a while longer?"
Adam eyed me but was quiet, which I knew meant that I could stay awhile longer.
Some time passed, and it was Crane's turn again. "I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Tomorrow, brother?" he said to Adam.
"You got it," Adam said.
Crane headed upstairs to bed, saying goodnight to us both, and Adam stood up, stretching. He pushed the chairs up to the chess table,
and took a newspaper and laid it on the couch.
"It's late, time for bed," he told me, again.
It was after ten, I saw, nearly ten-twenty. I never stayed up this late on school nights. Or hardly ever.
"Are you going up?" I asked him, still sitting where I was.
"In a few minutes."
I knew that Adam sometimes, not always, but sometimes, stayed up past everybody else, reading, or sitting on the porch. I knew that was his
alone time, when he relaxed or when he did his thinking. Or his worrying.
I untangled my legs, and sat up a little bit.
"Can I sit with you?" I asked. "For a few more minutes?"
Adam stood, looking at me. "You'll be too hard-pressed to get up in the mornin'."
"Please? I promise I'll get up without any trouble."
Now he looked questioning. But, he didn't ask anything. Not why. Not anything, right then. He gave me a brief nod, and I stood up, following him
as he went to the front door, and he pushed it open, letting me pass by in front of him. He switched on the porch light, and we went to the swing to
sit down. Warrior came bounding up the porch stairs, sniffing and wagging at us.
We sat there, still and silent for a few minutes. Adam didn't prompt me, or rush me into talking. His arm was resting along the back of the swing,
his fingers brushing my hair. I pressed myself closer to him, finding his solid presence warm and comforting. I shivered a little, and he rubbed my shoulder.
"Gettin' cooler," he said.
"Yeah."
I took in a deep breath of the crisp air.
"Daniel's so happy," I said.
"Uh huh, he is," Adam said, patiently.
"What if Leo bothers them when they go back? Causes trouble?" I asked.
"Then they'll have to rely on the cops there, get a restraining order, things like that."
"Leo doesn't seem like the type to listen to a restraining order," I said.
"I think everything's going to be alright, Harlie."
He sounded so calm. So certain of that. I wanted to believe that he was right.
"How do you know?" I asked, softly, turning to look up at his face.
"Daniel knows what he's doing. He'll take care of whatever needs to be done," Adam said.
I sighed, and laid my head on his shoulder, looking back out towards the pastures.
We were quiet again for a few minutes.
"How do you do it?" I asked him.
"How do I do what?"
"Stay so focused. So in-tune with everybody. There's so many of us."
"There's a bunch, alright," Adam said, without really answering.
"But, how do you?" I asked.
"I'm not always focused," Adam denied. "You know that. You've seen me lose it, plenty of times."
Adam did tend to lose it when one of us is hurt, or really sick. But, the rest of the time, when bad things happen, he seems to have something inside
of himself that holds him steady.
I expressed that to him, saying, "When one of us is hurt or something, then yeah, you do, but the rest of the time, when stuff goes wrong or
there's trouble, you seem to know what to do, and what to say to make any of us feel better."
Adam squeezed my shoulders, and kissed the top of my head.
"That's nice, sugar," he said. "Real nice. Thank you for that."
"How do you do it, though?" I persisted.
"I pray. A lot," he said.
"It's not easy, though, is it?" I said.
"Nope. But nobody ever said love was goin' to be easy."
I straightened up so I could look at him. "What do you mean?"
"Is it always easy, lovin' somebody else?" he asked.
I considered that. "I never thought about it like that, I guess. I just always thought you loved somebody and that was just the way it was."
"Sometimes, in life, one of the hardest things to do is to love somebody, Harlie. It doesn't always come easy. If it did, there'd be no
misunderstandings, or separations, or hurtful words thrown around," he said. "If love was easy, it'd be smooth sailing, all the time, with no problems."
I laid my head back on his shoulder. "Some people are harder to love than others."
"True," he said. His fingers lifted one of my wayward curls. "But love is powerful. It's fierce. And, painful as it can be at times, it's always,
always, worth it."
7
Daniel, when he wasn't working the ranch, or repairing our nearly-always broken vehicles or tractors, spent lots of time on the telephone. I knew he
was talking to Red, and to the other guys who'd been in his band. And to the manager at a couple of clubs in Nashville. He was setting up
appointments. Talking over terms.
There'd been no word from Leo or Chess. At least not that I was aware of. The divorce was finalized. Leo had been located, and had signed the
papers. Everybody was real glad about that. I noticed, though, that when Hannah or anyone else said anything about how it was a good thing, that Leo hadn't
refused to sign, or stirred up a fuss, that Jill only nodded, and sometimes smiled. She never spoke any words of agreement.
Jill went walking nearly every day. Sometimes Clare went with her, because she was trying to exercise during her pregnancy, too. If Hannah wasn't too busy,
she might walk with them. Sometimes I walked with Jill. She was five months pregnant, and Clare was a bit ahead, about six months along now.
When I walked with Jill, we talked. We talked about lots of different things. About when I was little, and about how she felt the first time she
saw Daniel. She told me more about her sister. And what little she did know about her parents. Her father had died, she thought, though she wasn't sure. And
her mother had put her and her sister in foster care when they were small.
"We were about four, I think," Jill said. "I don't really remember exactly, but I was four and she was five, I think."
"Why did she?" I asked. "Your mom?"
"I only know what the paperwork says. She didn't think she could manage both of us, all by herself."
"Was she real young?" I asked.
"Nineteen, I think. Maybe twenty. "
"That means she was-" I paused, thinking.
"Yes. About 15 when she had me," Jill said.
The sadness of it was overwhelming to me. I couldn't even think of words to say.
"Did she come to see you?" I asked. "Your mom, I mean? At the foster home?"
"A couple of times, early on. One of the foster mothers took a picture of her when she came and took us to a picnic. Then-after that, she just
sort of dropped off the radar."
"I'm sorry," I said, feeling as though it was lame to say that, but not sure what else to say.
Jill shook off her look of seriousness, and said, "You don't have to be, Harlie. Besides, what's important is what happens from now on. I want my baby to
have everything I never did. Love, and security. And-a proper father. One who's there, all the time."
I personally thought that Daniel was going to make a terrific father.
"Why did you take up with Leo?" I asked. It was something I'd been curious about for a long time. Even more since I'd met him, and seen for myself
that meanness ran thru him. He wasn't unattractive, in his way, but-the vibes he put out killed anything good about his appearance. At least to me. I figured it
must be different for Jill, though. Since she'd actually married him.
"Oh, gosh," Jill said, looking thoughtful, as if remembering the past.
"It's a long story, right?" I guessed.
"No. Not really. It's a short story. A sad, short story. I had no one looking after me, or looking out for me. Foster homes that take teens are rare, and usually
the foster parents in those homes take a hands-off approach. As long as you stay out of their way, and don't bring trouble around, they don't much care what you do. I'd
known Leo for a couple of years by that point. Even after the incident and after he went to prison-I still thought he was alright for me. I told myself he'd done that to that
guy with the car because he was high or whatever. He was-older, and I thought he was exciting. He lived alone in his own place, and had a car, and-well, he showed
an interest in me. I was starved for attention then. He'd come by school, whenever I did go, to pick me up, and we'd go out driving. Sometimes we'd drink or
smoke dope. I saw what I wanted to see in him. I thought he could give me security-and a home, and I thought he'd love me."
I was silent, and my heart hurt for her.
"It took me awhile to figure Leo out. He didn't love me. He never had. I was convenient to him in a way. But-I stayed with him, because by then,
I thought I needed him, and I just lied to myself, thinking that eventually he would love me. And, then-maybe he'd settle down, and get a real job, stop
taking dope, and treat me right," Jill said.
"You've been thru a lot," I said, softly.
"I have," she agreed. "Sometimes, what happened to me wasn't my fault. I didn't get to pick my parents, or even pick any foster parents. But, even though
I was real young, I did pick Leo. And I put myself in situations that I shouldn't have been in. I knew he was breaking into houses, and robbing them." She sighed,
and rubbed her stomach. "So much wasted time," she said.
"What about the baby's father?" I asked.
"Michael. He's not a bad guy, really. He has no interest in being a father. I didn't really know him well at all."
We were quiet for a bit, and then when we stopped, and prepared to turn to walk back, she said, softly, "Harlie. It should be special. Being with a man. It
shouldn't be taken casually. I know I have no right to advise you-since it's only been six months since I was being very casual about it-but it seems a lifetime
ago now to me. When I met Daniel, it was like the skies opened, and all the colors around were brighter, and-" she laughed, and started walking again. "It
sounds like a country song."
"Anyway," she went on, "It should be with someone you really, really love. Giving yourself is a gift. Don't waste it on losers and guys who don't know your
favorite color or your middle name, or what your favorite animal is."
"I won't," I said.
"Harlie," she said, and stopped walking once again. I paused to meet her eyes.
"I have no right-none-to lecture you, or preach at you. You've got brothers-and sister in laws for that. After all this time of being here, though, you've
grown on me. You really have," she said. "If I can help you steer from the wrong things-I'd like to do that for you."
I smiled at her. "You've grown on me, too," I admitted.
"Yeah?" she asked, looking pleased.
"Yeah."
"Well, what do you know about that?" she said, and laughed softly, as we started walking again.
7