The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, you're in for a real treat because this is a movie that I really wanted to review and now I finally have the chance. Today on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at a movie that he adored from his childhood and that he still loves till this day forward, and that movie is the 1987 motion picture epic Masters of the Universe, a live-action movie based on the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe toy line and the popular animated series. It's a film that bombed big time, but it gained a cult following over the years. Is this movie still good as Sean remembered? And with it being a Cannon film, they don't do well. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a bucket of chicken and ribs and a cold one to drink, I present to you the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Masters of the Universe is owned by Cannon Films and Warner Bros.
Episode 188
Masters of the Universe
(The Mayhem Critic intro is shown)
After the intro ends, the episode opens with a Skelegod action figure from Masters of the Universe: Revelations instead of our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic.
"Good evening, weaklings. I am Skelegod, that worthless Mayhem Critic isn't here at the moment. My minions are busy torturing him. You will all kneel before me." A mysterious voice said in his Skeletor voice before he started laughing. The mysterious voice stops laughing before revealing himself to be Sean. "Sorry about that, folks. I just wanted to get your attention. Let's jump back to the year 1983."
Sean: (Narrating) Man, was that a good year. Metallica released their first album titled Kill 'Em All, you had some awesome movies like Return of the Jedi, Wargames, The Outsiders, Krull, Sudden Impact, Trading Places and A Christmas Story released in theaters and V: The Miniseries made it's TV debut on NBC. (Cut to clips from various He-Man and the Masters of the Universe commercials) That year also brought us one of the greatest action figures of all time and we were introduced to a cartoon series that changed the way of children's television. And that show was none other than...
(The title sequence for He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is shown, followed by footage of the show)
Singers: He-Man!
Announcer: And the Masters of the Universe!
Sean: (Narrating) That's right. I'm talking about He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Before Batman: The Animated Series, this groundbreaking animated series made its debut and it became a massive pop culture hit and it was the first show to be based on a toy. If you don't know what the show is about, then let He-Man tell you himself.
Adam (Voiced by John Erwin): I am Adam. Prince of Eternia and defender of the secrets of Castle Greyskull. This is Cringer... my fearless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said... By the power of Greyskull!
(Prince Adam transforms into He-Man)
He-Man: I have the Power! Cringer became the Mighty Battle Cat, and I became He-Man the most powerful man in the universe.
(He-Man punches the screen with his clenched fist, and it emits a white flash. After the flash, the credit for executive producer Lou Scheimer is shown)
"Yeah, you might think that you're the most powerful man in universe when the show's executive producer gets top billing over you." Sean said as he points to a picture of Lou Scheimer.
Sean: (Narrating) The show ran from 1983 to 1985 and it spawned a theatrical animated release called He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword in 1985 and it was basically a compilation of the five-part episode The Secret of the Sword from the first five episodes of the show's spin-off She-Ra: Princess of Power and compiled it into one big movie. I didn't grow up watching the show from the 80s, but I did grow up watching the 2002 reboot of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe that aired on Cartoon Network and that show was awesome.
"So in 1987, some genius in Hollywood thought it would be a great idea to make a He-Man movie. And of course I'm talking about the motion picture epic Masters of the Universe." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Masters of the Universe" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the theme music composed by Bill Conti plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) I think it's about time that I talk about this movie. Released in theaters on August 7th, 1987 and distributed by our good 'ol friends at Cannon Films. And of course, I'm talking about the Israeli saviors themselves Menahem Golan and his cousin Yoram Globus, who's two films that I've covered years ago (Posters for Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and the 1986 Invaders from Mars remake are shown). The movie was also written by David Odell, who wrote the movie Supergirl, another movie that I reviewed. The film was also the directorial debut of director Gary Goddard, who's known for...
(An article from the Los Angeles Times is shown with a headline that reads "Hollywood producer Gary Goddard accused of sexual misconduct by 8 former child actors")
Sean: (Narrating) ...known for being a scumbag along with Bryan Singer and Brett Rattner. After the movie's release, it bombed big time, garnering negative reviews from critics. It is also one of the films that contributed to the closure of Cannon Films. The other two were Superman IV and Lifeforce. When I was a kid, I loved this movie and looking back at it now, I still love it, even though it's campy at times and yes, I am aware of the movie's flaws. Over the years, the movie gained a cult following with people who are fans of the movie.
"So, let's jump right in and take a look at Masters of the Universe." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the Cannon Films logo)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Cannon Films. Whenever you see that logo, you know you're either watching a Charles Bronson or a Chuck Norris movie or a really shitty film.
(We are then shown a painted background shot of Castle Greyskull)
Narrator (Voiced by Peter Brooks): At the center of the universe, at the border between the light and the dark stands Castle Greyskull.
"Wow, Richard Edlund and his team went all-out on that painted background shot of Castle Greyskull. They're gonna make this film epic as hell." Sean said.
Narrator: For with those that control Greyskull, will come the Power... The power to be supreme... the power to be almighty... the power to be... Masters of the Universe!
(The title for the movie is shown, in a homage to the opening credits of Superman: The Movie)
Sean: (Narrating) So we get the opening credits of the movie and... (Notices the opening credits) Uh, is this the movie or did I put in Superman: The Movie by mistake? Are they seriously going to rip-off the opening credits to Superman? Just take a look at the opening credits for these two films.
(The opening credits to Masters of the Universe is shown. Then, it is followed by the opening credits of Superman: The Movie)
"Well, that's Cannon Films for ya, they can rip-off really good films." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I want to talk about the title: "Masters of the Universe". It's just called "Masters of the Universe". When I was like seven years old and they showed it on WB 64 and I watched it with my Mom, I didn't even know that it was a He-Man movie. How are we supposed to know that this is a He-Man movie? Couldn't you just call it "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" instead of just calling it "Masters of the Universe?
(Cut to Planet Eternia, where we see that Skeletor and his army have taken control of Castle Greyskull)
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits are over, we cut to Castle Greyskull, where we see that the evil Skeletor, played brilliantly by Frank Langella, as him and his second-in-command Evil-Lyn, played by Meg "I Swear to You I'm Not Kirstie Alley" Foster, are celebrating their victory.
Evil-Lyn (Played by Meg Foster): After all this time, Greyskull is ours.
Skeletor (Played by Frank Langella): (Does a dramatic turn) No!
(Evil-Lyn turns to Skeletor as he sits on his throne)
Skeletor: Mine.
"Hmm, so this is what Joe Biden will look like in a few years." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the Eternian forces being outnumbered by Skeletor's army and Castle Greyskull being captured, Skeletor has also captured the Sorceress of Greyskull, played by Christina Pickles, and imprisons her in a power-draining field.
Sorceress (Played by Christina Pickles): The dark can embrace the light, but never eclipse it. You have not won yet, Skeletor. He-Man is still alive. I can feel it.
Skeletor: Really? How sensitive you are. Can you feel this?
(Skeletor starts draining some of the Sorceress' powers)
"Dude, I think the ecstasy that she took is starting to kick in." Sean said.
(Skeletor starts to broadcast a hologram to Eternia)
Skeletor: (Broadcast) People of Eternia, the war is over. My forces are victorious. The Sorceress of Grayskull is my prisoner and her powers are now joined with mine. Let this be my first decree: Those who do not pledge themselves to me shall be destroyed. The new age begins.
"Sounds like Joe Biden's inauguration speech. Alright, let me stop making fun of our president. No more Joe Biden jokes, I promise." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that He-Man, played by Dolph Lundgren, steps in and immediately kicks off the action as he takes on some of Skeletor's stormtrooper rejects.
(We get our first action sequence, where He-Man fights some of Skeletor's soldiers with his sword and their blasters. We see that the soldiers shoot at He-Man, but some of their shots miss him and he deflects some of their shots with his sword)
"Oh, great. Now they're ripping off the Stormtroopers from Star Wars. Can you stop ripping off good movies, Cannon?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) He is soon joined by Man-At-Arms, played by Jon Cypher, and his daughter Teela, played by Chelsea Field, as they give him an update on what's going on.
Man-At-Arms (Played by Jon Cypher): Grayskull... It was terrible.
He-Man (Played by Dolph Lundgren): How many units are left?
Man-At-Arms: Not many. All of us were scattered. Suddenly, they were everywhere.
"It was horrible. They eliminated King Randor, Queen Marlena, Man-E-Faces and Battle Cat while Dennis Franz came up from behind me and punched me in the face." Sean said, imitating Man-At-Arms while referencing the series finale of Hill Street Blues.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, what kind of accent is He-Man speaking in? Did they have to use Dolph Lundgren's natural voice. You can't understand what he's saying half of the time.
(Cut to a montage of He-Man speaking)
He-Man: I've been looking for you./Let her go./How do you feel?/Now why are you important to Skeletor?/When we find the Key, Gwildor will set the coordinates for Grayskull. We'll use the element of surprise...
(A clip from Shameless is shown)
Mickey Milkovich (Played by Noel Fisher): SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!
Gwildor (Played by Billy Barty): Help! Help! Get me out of this!
Sean: (Narrating) He-Man and the others rescue Gwildor, played by the late great Billy Barty, and he's this movie's version of Orko (a picture of Orko is shown). Couldn't you just put Orko in the movie? Gwildor is an inventor and locksmith and he takes them to his place to show them his new invention that he created called the Cosmic Key.
Gwildor: It is the most unique key in the universe. The tones it generates can open a doorway to anywhere.
Man-At-Arms: Anywhere?
Gwildor: Exactly. One simply computes gravitonic tones for a specific destination, activates the energizer and-
He-Man: And that's how Skeletor's troops got into the city and surprised us.
Gwildor: Yes. Yes. I'm afraid so.
Teela (Played by Chelsea Field): You little worm. Don't you realize what you've done?
He-Man: Easy, Teela. He didn't know.
"Yeah, he didn't know that he was going to create the movie's MacGuffin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Skeletor wants the Cosmic Key so he can take over the world...
(A clip from Street Fighter is shown)
M. Bison (Played by Raul Julia): OF COURSE!
Sean: (Narrating) He-Man and his friends escape through the secret passage way before Skeletor's troops show up to steal the Key. They make it Castle Grayskull, where they find the Sorceress and try to rescue her, but the plan backfires as Skeletor and his army shows up.
Skeletor: Everything comes to he who waits. And I have waited so very long for this moment.
He-Man: Let her go.
Skeletor: I don't think so. No. While she remains imprisoned within this field, her powers increas my own, and when the moon reaches it's zenith, the Great Eye will open and all the powers of Grayskull will be bestowed upon me. Your wondrous Sorceress will die.
Man-At-Arms: You dare threaten her life?
Skeletor: I dare anything. I am Skeletor.
"Okay, aside from his performance as Dracula and Archer in Small Soldiers, I think everyone can agree with me that Frank Langella is the best damn part of this movie. This is one of my favorite performances from him." Sean said.
(A montage of clips featuring Frank Langella as Skeletor are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You could tell that he's having way too much fun with this role. From what I've read, this was his favorite role to play and he took on the role of Skeletor because his then-four-year-old-son was a fan of He-Man and he would always run around the house yelling He-Man's battle cry: "I have the power!". That is some dedication right here. Even though the movie was going to be bad, he still gives a powerhouse performance. It kinda reminds me of when Raul Julia was cast in the role of Bison in Street Fighter because his kids were fans of the game.
(Evil-Lyn notices Gwildor pushing buttons on the Cosmic Key)
Evil-Lyn: It's the locksmith. The little worm has another key.
Skeletor: What?
Sean: (Narrating) Skeletor realizes that Gwildor has another key just like the one that he has and all hell breaks loose as his army tries to kill He-Man and his friends while Bill Conti reuses some of his music score from F/X.
(The music score plays in the background during the fight scene)
Sean: (Narrating) Gwildor presses some random buttons and opens a portal to another dimension as He-Man and the others make their escape and they find themselves on Earth. Where on Earth? In the suburbs of New Jersey.
(A clip from He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword is shown)
Skeletor (Voiced by Alan Oppenheimer): What?
"Yeah, we're going there. They went from the magical world of Eternia to New Jersey. Yeah, this is where the movie gets really weird." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, He-Man and his friend have arrived in our world. And not only that, they end up losing the key. So, they split up to look for it, but then trouble seems to find them.
(A rustling sound in the bushes is heard)
Teela: What's that?
He-Man: Shh.
(He-Man and the others check out the disturbance in the bushes)
He-Man: (Whispers) Scan the area.
(Man-At-Arms pulls out a device to scan the area)
Man-At-Arms: Alien life form. Big.
Teela: (Aims at the bushes) Let me blast it.
He-Man: Wait. It might be intelligent life.
"In this movie? I don't think so." Sean said.
(A cow emerges from the bushes)
Teela: By the Sorceress, it's ugly.
He-Man: It seems harmless.
(The cow moos)
"Well, at least the cow is the better actor in this movie aside from Frank Langella." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Time is of the essence and He-Man and his friend split up to look for the key.
He-Man: If you find the key, activate the sourcing signal.
Man-At-Arms and Teela: (Both) The sourcing signal.
He-Man: Good journey.
Teela: Good journey.
Man-At-Arms: Good journey.
"Really? We're now ripping off "May the Force be with you" now? God, you're scum, movie." Sean said.
(The next scene cuts to a fast food restaurant called Robby's Ribs 'N' Chicken, where we're introduced to teenager Julie Winston, played by Courteney Cox, before she starred in Friends and the Scream franchise)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a fast food restaurant, where we see that a teenager named Julie Winston, played by a young Courteney Cox, works there. And it is her last day working there because she is moving away. But before she leaves, a co-worker of hers gives her some relationship advice.
Monica (Played by Jessica Nelson): If you break up with Kevin Corrigan, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Julie Winston (Played by Courteney Cox): Monica, this is not the seventh grade anymore. Kevin's changed. I've changed. Everything's different now.
Monica: Fine, except for two things. A, you still love him, and B, he still loves you.
Julie Winston: Kevin doesn't need me or my problems right now.
"She doesn't want to deal with her brother Ross trying to beat up Kevin Corrigan for dating his sister. Look at what happened to the last guy when he found out." Sean said.
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Ross Gellar (Played by David Schwimmer): (After seeing Monica and Chandler having sex) GET OFF MY SISTER!
Sean: (Narrating) Julie's boyfriend Kevin Corrigan, played by Robert Duncan McNeill from Star Trek: Voyager, picks her up from work so they can spend some time together before she leaves. But before they do that, she has to make a quick stop somewhere first. And while that's going on, Man-At-Arms and Teela are looking for the key until they see Gwildor stealing a bucket of chicken and ribs and they get a taste of Earth food.
Man-At-Arms: (Eats a piece of chicken) Mmm! Good food.
Gwildor: Yes, I've never tasted anything like it.
Teela: (Eats a rib) I wonder why they put their food on these little white sticks.
Man-At-Arms: Those are rib bones.
(Gwildor and Teela stop eating and Teela coughs)
Teela: You mean this used to be an animal?
Man-At-Arms: Mmm-hmm. (Keeps eating)
Teela: Ugh. Ugh, what a barbaric world.
"Hey, hey, hey! Watch what you say about our planet, babe. No need to diss the meat eaters." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Julie and Kevin stop at the cemetary so she could say goodbye to her parents. Turns out that Julie's parents died in a plane crash and she blames herself for what happened to them, so she's moving away to avoid the pain of not having them around.
Julie Winston: I never told anyone this before, but it's my fault they died.
Kevin Corrigan (Played by Robert Duncan McNeill): Julie, come on. It was a plane crash. Those things just happen.
"Wow, way to be sensitive to your girlfriend's feelings, dude. It's just like Andrea Beaumont telling Bruce Wayne it was just a shooting and these things just happen or Lois Lane telling Clark Kent it was just an explosion or a heart attack and these things just happen." Sean said.
Julie Winston: We were all supposed to go to the beach that day. But I said I had to study because I wanted to spend the day with you. So they took the plane to Catalina instead.
Kevin Corrigan: Hey, come on. Your mom and dad wouldn't want you to go around the rest of your life blaming yourself. Would they?
Julie Winston: No.
(Julie hugs Kevin)
Julie Winston: God, I wish... I wish I could change things.
Kevin Corrigan: But you can't.
"Okay, when did this movie turn into fucking Riverdale? Why are we dealing with Courteney Cox's teen angst here? In fact, why the hell is it even in the movie? I thought it was about He-Man trying to save Castle Grayskull from the evil clutches of Skeletor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As they get ready to leave the cemetary, Julie and Kevin stumble across the Cosmic Key thinking that it's a musical synthesizer that somebody dropped and they take it with them to the school and they end up playing around with it and activating it. And while they're doing that, Skeletor locks in on the key's location and he has Evil-Lyn send out the most deadliest mercenaries. These mercenaries consists of Blade played by our good 'ol friend Anthony DeLongis, Sauron...
Evil-Lyn: Saurod.
"Whatever. His name sounds a bit like Sauron. But wouldn't it be cool if one of rhe mercenaries was Sauron from The Lord of the Rings?" Sean asked as a picture of Sauron from The Lord of the Rings is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Saurod played by Pons Maar, Beast Man played by Tony Carroll and Karg played by Robert Towers.
Skeletor: Hmm. A curious quartet. He-Man has slipped away from me. I want him back. This must happen before moonrise. Now, you are to go through to this world ti where they are hiding, find the key, do as you wish with the others but bring He-Man back alive. You do understand?
Evil Warriors: (All) Yes, lord.
"Oh, I'm sure that Skeletor's finest warriors won't fail this mission. I mean, they only have one job to do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kevin leaves to show Charlie the key at the music shop, leaving Julie alone, where somebody could kill her! Yeah, bad idea to do so since Skeletor's mercenaries showed up.
Julie Winston: Carl? Carl, is that you?
Karg (Played by Robert Towers): Blade.
Blade (Played by Anthony DeLongis): Deserted. No sign of the key.
Karg: Scan the perimeter. No one in, no one out.
Julie Winston: Kevin, if this is some kind of joke, it's... it's really not funny.
"You know, if this was Scream, Ghostface would've attacked her by now." Sean said.
(The school janitor, Carl, steps out of a room and sees the evil mercenaries and the soldiers)
Carl the Janitor (Played by Walter Robles): Listen, you kids can't just come in...
(Blade swings his sword at Carl and grabs him)
Karg: Don't kill him yet.
(Beast-Man beats up Carl and throws him to the door. Julie sees this and screams)
Julie Winston: Leave him alone!
(Saurod shoots at Julie, but misses her while Beast-Man does the same)
Julie Winston: Somebody help me. Somebody help me!
Sean: (V/O as Julie) I'm being shot at by strange men with horrible aim! Somebody help!
Sean: (Narrating) Skeletor's mercenaries try to kill Julie, but being the worst mercenaries in the world, they fail to kill her. They chase her out of the school until she bumps into He-Man, who was out looking for the key and he deals with them.
(He-Man fights off some of Skeletor's soldiers. While that's going on, Julie sees Saurod shooting at He-Man, but he misses)
Julie Winston: No!
(Julie shoots at Saurod and manages to hit him)
"Damn! Julie managed to hit Saurod. At least she has better aim than these clowns." Sean said.
(Blade comes across He-Man)
Blade: I've waited a long time for this.
Sean: (V/O as He-Man in a Russian accent) Good. I must break you.
(He-Man and Blade have a swordfighting duel. During the duel, Blade loses one of his swords)
Blade: My sword!
"Jeez, this dude has no luck with sharp objects." Sean said as a clip from Road House is shown, where we see Anthony DeLongis' character Ketchum getting stabbed in the stomach by Dalton.
Sean: (Narrating) Man-At-Arms and Teela join the fight as Karg does his impersonation of Cobra Commander and the evil mercenaries retreat back to Castle Grayskull. Later, Kevin heads down to a music store so Charlie, played by Barry Livingston, could check out the key with him thinking it's a Japanese synthesizer.
Charlie (Played by Barry Livingston): I've seen these before
Kevin Corrigan: You have?
Charlie: Yeah. It's Japanese.
Kevin Corrigan: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Here, look. Press a few of these buttons. Go ahead.
(Charlie presses a button on the key and it plays a chord)
Kevin Corrigan: Huh? Now press that red button in the front. Go ahead.
(Charlie presses the red button on the key and it plays musical notes while flashing some lights)
Charlie: Far out. Fantastic.
"Dude, could you not, like, press the buttons before somebody comes to this planet and kills you for it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Charlie asks Kevin if he could sell it, but they end up seeing some police cars in action and Kevin learns that something happened at the school and Julie as well. And speaking of Julie, He-Man let's her know what's going on and he wants to know where the key is.
He-Man: Have you seen it? It's this large. It has lights on it.
A surprised, yet stunned look appeared on his face as Sean began to ponder what He-Man was talking about.
"Dude, are you talking about the key or the size of your..." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by Michael Ansara): Silence.
"Oh, come on! Let me just finish what I have to..." Sean said.
Mr. Freeze: I SAID SILENCE!
"Yes, sir." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the school, a worried Kevin looks for Julie, but Detective Lubic, played by James Tolkan from Back to the Future, stops him from going inside.
Kevin Corrigan: (Notices the burned bag) Dear God, that's Julie's. Where'd you find this?
Detective Lubic (Played by James Tolkan): Where do you think we found it? Listen, we got vandalism, arson, we got a lot of bad stuff going on around here, kid. What do you know about it?
Kevin Corrigan: Look, I don't know anything about it, all right? I mean, you're the cop. Why aren't you looking for her, huh?
"So this is what happens when Mr. Strickland become a no-nonsense cop that deals with slackers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Kevin and Lubic go out to look for Julie, He-Man introduces Julie to his friend and she agrees to help them look for the key.
He-Man: Did you have any luck?
Teela: Not as much as you, apparently.
Man-At-Arms: We tracked them spinward, 40 metrons.
Teela: And then they disappeared.
He-Man: They're only a scouting party. Now let's find that key before they return in full force. Julie, which way.
Julie Winston: (Points) This way.
(Gwildor drives up in a pink Cadillac)
Man-At-Arms: Take arms. Full power. Ready.
Gwildor: Native transportation. A primitive land boat. Enter, enter.
(Man-At-Arms chuckles)
Man-At-Arms: Gwildor. Well done, Gwildor.
"Gwildor just mastered the art of grand theft auto, and the only vehicle that he picked is a pink Cadillac. Only women drive around in pink Cadillacs and that's Mary Kay salespeople. And also Kramer from Seinfeld." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Grayskull, Skeletor's mercenaries report back to Skeletor to tell him that they couldn't get their hands on the key and He-Man and his friends outnumbered them and Skeletor takes the news pretty well.
Skeletor: So, He-Man's free?
(Karg gasps and Beast-Man growls. Blade stays silent while Saurod stammers a bit)
Skeletor: You are all aware of the penalty for failure?
Blade: Give me one more chance, Lord Skeletor, and we will succeed.
Skeletor: I am not in the giving vein this day.
(Skeltor kills Saurod with force lighting)
Skeletor: Ha!
"Really? You're turning Skeltor into Emperor Palpatine now?" Sean asked.
(Cut back to Skeletor killing Saurod with force lightning, which vaporizes him)
Skeletor: (His voiced replaced by Palpatine's voice) UNLIMITED POWER!
Sean: (Narrating) Skeletor sends Evil-Lyn out with the mercenaries to look for the key and to make sure that they don't screw up again. Back on Earth, Kevin and Lubic arrive at Julie's house to see if she's there, but then Julie calls the house and Kevin answers it.
Kevin Corrigan: Hello?
Julie Winston: Kevin, thank God it's you.
Kevin Corrigan: (Sighs) Um, Julie's not here right now.
Julie Winston: Kevin, this is Julie. What's going on?
Kevin Corrigan: Well, it's good to hear your voice, too, but, um, I've been really worried about Julie.
Julie Winston: Kevin, is someone there? Are you okay?
Kevin Corrigan: Yeah. That's what I thought too.
"Come on, girly. Haven't you ever heard of playing along?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin tells Julie that he still has the key and she's on her way over to him, which gives both him and Detective Lubic some time to play around with the key.
Detective Lubic: You were talking about this thing, weren't you? (Picks up the key) What... What is this thing?
Kevin Corrigan: It's a synthesizer.
Detective Lubic: Yeah? How does this thing work?
Kevin Corrigan: Just press these buttons right here.
Detective Lubic: (Presses some buttons) Like this?
Kevin Corrigan: Whoa, whoa, careful, careful.
"Uh, do you think it's a really bright idea to be messing with something that you shouldn't be messing with? You could do some serious damage, I suggest that you stop." Sean said.
(Cut back to Detective Lubic messing with the key by pressing various buttons, followed by the nuclear attack scene from The Day After. Then, we cut back to the movie where we see Lubic laughing)
Detective Lubic: Do you want to know something, kid? I don't think this is any synthesizer.
"You think? You probably caused a nuclear explosion somewhere." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lubic plays around with the key some more and activates it and he couldn't believe his eyes when he sees the colorful flashing lights and he questions Kevin about it.
Detective Lubic: What's a kid like you doing with something like that, huh?
Kevin Corrigan: Oh. Come on. It's my instrument.
Detective Lubic: (Chuckles) Yeah.
Kevin Corrigan: All right, look, let me heat this up, then I'll show you, okay? (Puts the bucket of chicken in the microwave and heats it up)
(Cut to Evil-Lyn, the Centurions and the mercenaries)
Centurion: We're getting interference. They're jamming the signal.
Evil-Lyn: Locate the source of the jamming and destroy it.
Centurion: It's difficult, like nothing I've seen before.
Evil-Lyn: Destroy it now.
(The Centurion destroys the source of the jamming signal as the scene cuts back to Julie's house as we see the microwave getting destroyed)
Kevin Corrigan: Whoa! Watch... Watch out!
(Kevin grabs the fire extinguisher to put the fire out while Lubic does the same with a towel)
Centurion: The source of interference is detroyed. We have a clear signal from the key.
"Seriously? You call this a source of interference? You just destroyed a microwave that was heating up a bucket of chicken that they were trying to enjoy, you assholes!" Sean exclaimed.
Detective Lubic: All right, no more crapping around. What is this?
Kevin Corrigan: I don't know.
Detective Lubic: Listen, I got vandalism, I got arson, I got stuff blowing up in my face around here. Now, you better know something.
Kevin Corrigan: Look, I found it, okay?
Detective Lubic: You found it? You mean, you don't know who the owner is?
Kevin Corrigan: No.
"What do you want me to tell you that it came from outer space?" Sean asked, imitating Kevin.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin tells Lubic that he found it at the cemetery and he takes the key with him down to Charlie's to question him about it. After he leaves, Evil-Lyn and the mercenaries show up to question Kevin on the wherabouts of the key.
Kevin Corrigan: Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here!
(Kevin throws a Burger King wrapper at Beast-Man)
Sean: (V/O as Beast-Man) Get your little bitch-ass over here!
(Beast-Man slams Kevin against the wall and hits him in the face, then grabs him by his neck and throws him at the table)
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I've noticed something. We have our lack of He-Man in this movie.
(A clip from Ghostbusters II is shown)
Party Kid: Aww, I thought it was going to be He-Man.
Sean: (Narrating) Evil-Lyn questions Kevin about the key by putting a collar around his neck that makes him tell the truth. More like the evil version of Wonder Woman's lasso that makes you tell the truth. He tells her where the key is and he also tells her that Detective Lubik has it. As they leave, Karg finds a photo of Julie and her parents, which would prove useful to them. They leave to go look for the key and He-Man and the others arrive in a pink Cadillac.
Sean starts laughing a bit.
"I'm sorry. I can't take this movie seriously. They're driving around in a pink Cadillac! How silly is that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They find Kevin, who looks like he should've stayed on the Voyager instead of being down here and getting the crapped kicked out of him by the angry version of Chewbacca. They remove the Collar of Aldruber from off of his neck and when he notices He-Man and the others, he starts to freak out.
Kevin Corrigan: Julie. Julie, get out of here. Now! (Picks up a chair and gets ready to attack them)
(Teela shoots at the wooden chair, destroying it)
Kevin Corrigan: Ow! Damn!
Julie Winston: Kevin, these are my friends.
Kevin Corrigan: Your friends?
"These are your friends? I'm pretty sure that these guys are your friends." Sean said as a picture of the characters from Friends is shown.
Kevin Corrigan: Look, will somebody tell me what the hell is going on here, huh? I mean, all of a sudden, these creatures come in and start to beat the crap...
Julie Winston: Kevin, listen to me. These people are fighting against the others. They saved my life, now trust me.
Kevin Corrigan: Trust you? Julie, I swear to God, these, these things come in here... I mean, look at this place.
(Gwildor clears his throat and enters the room while wearing a women's hat, sunglasses and a scarf)
Gwildor: Look. Look. Native clothing. Lots of it, all over the place.
(He-Man and the other laugh)
Gwildor: If we dress like this, no one will recognize us.
Kevin Corrigan: What the hell is that?
"It's a little space troll dressed in women's clothing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they arrive at the music store in a pink Cadillac. And remember on the Nostalgia Critic's review of this movie when he mentioned the weirdest combination of lines and images come together. And while watching that scene, I couldn't keep a straight face. And he was right.
"Alright, let me play this scene and let's see if you all don't start laughing. Alright. Let me take a deep breath." Sean said as he takes a deep breath before playing the scene. "Alright, play the scene."
Detective Lubic: (Pulls out his gun) Freeze. All of you. Choice, really choice. What is this, a circus act? Now, somebody's gonna give me some answers around here. Let's start with you, blondie.
Gwildor: He-Man, He-Man. Someone's following us.
Detective Lubic: What the hell is that?
Gwildor: Neutrino Drive, 18 metrons and closing fast.
Teela: It's them.
Gwildor: At then.
Man-At-Arms: They've locked in on the key.
He-Man: Gwildor, how long to calculate the coordinates and take us home?
Gwildor: I don't know. The keys have all been moved.
Detective Lubic: You can't order me around.
Teela: Oh, if you'd rather stay and face Evil-Lyn's commandos, that's fine with me.
Kevin Corrigan: Look, believe me, sir, you wouldn't.
"Oh, God. I think that the screenwriter has gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Evil-Lyn and the commandos arrive and a battle ensues while Gwildor works on getting back home to Eternia.
He-Man: Is Gwildor ready?
Teela: Not yet. The room's secure. Anyway, it sounded like you needed a woman's touch out here.
(Teela shoots at three of the Centurian commandos. She ducks for cover and looks at her father, then He-Man and to the audience as she breaks the fourth wall)
Teela: (To the audience) Woman-At-Arms.
"Okay, I chuckled a bit when Chelsea Field broke the fourth wall like she's Ferris Bueller." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Detective Lubic argues with Kevin and tries to arrest him, but then Julie sees her dead mother standing outside in an alley. Oh yeah, that's not suspicious enough.
Julie Winston: Mother?
Mrs. Winston (Played by Gwynne Gilford): Yes, darling. It's me.
Julie Winston: But the plane...
Mrs. Winston: Oh, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Julie, but we had to disappear. We're doing very important, very secret work. Oh, honey, I've missed you so much.
(Julie hugs her mother)
Julie Winston: I don't believe it.
"I can't believe that you're falling for that shit!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Julie's mother tells Julie that she wants the key. So she ends up giving her mother the Cosmic Key and...
(Julie's mother hugs Julie after she gives her the Cosmic Key)
Mrs. Winston: (Her voice is replaced by Evil-Lyn's) Thank you, my darling.
(We see that Evil-Lyn was posing as Julie's mother)
Julie Winston: (Sees Evil-Lyn) Noooo!
Kevin Corrigan: Julie!
Julie Winston: Nooo! No.
"Oh no. I did not see that one coming." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, tell me if this trick look familiar to you.
(A clip from Spaceballs is shown)
Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): (After posing as Princess Vespa's father) Fooled you!
Sean: (Narrating) Evil-Lyn makes off with the key and she activates it to open the other doorway as Skeletor and his army arrive on Earth.
(Skeletor and his army arrive on Earth)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, how can nobody notice this going on outside? You have this guy with a skeleton as a face arriving on a giant parade float in town. What would somebody think about that?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's sitting on the couch reading Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six in his office. A flash of light is coming from outside. The young critic looks out his window and notices Skeletor and his army in his neighborhood)
Sean: Honey, I think that neighborhood watch is really cracking down on criminals.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) They get chased by Air Centurions and He-Man hops aboard one of their hoverboards and he takes the key back from Evil-Lyn. But his friends get ambushed by Skeletor and his troops and one of the Air Centurions lead He-Man to Skeletor.
Julie Winston: He-Man, no! It's a trap!
(Julie runs to He-Man to try to save him, but she ends up getting zapped in the leg by Skeletor's powers)
Sean: (V/O as Julie) Ahhhh! Force lightning!
Sean: (Narrating) Skeletor captures He-Man and takes his sword and they head back to Eternia. And with the Cosmic Key destroyed by Skeletor, there's no way home for our heroes. As for Julie, things aren't looking too good for her because after getting hit by Skeletor's magic powerss in the leg, the poison is in her blood and only the Sorceress could heal her. So yeah, everybody is screwed.
Kevin Corrigan: I mean, there's got to be a way. Isn't there?
Gwildor: No. You see, Kevin, opening a dimensional door is relatively easy. But the tones, Kevin, the tones that were stored in this Cosmic Key were completely erased. Skeletor knew what he was doing. Even if I could fix it, we coud search for a thousand years and never find the tones that will take us home.
Kevin Corrigan: But wait a minute. The tones.
(A clip from Sam & Cat is shown)
Sam Puckett (Played by Jennette McCurdy): Okay, we keep saying the tones but I still have no idea what the tones means.
Sean: (Narrating) With Kevin being a musician, he hums the tones from the Cosmic Key after he remembers it and him and Gwildor get to work by recreating the tones with a bossonic tesseract from Teela, and octode rectifier from Man-At-Arms and a keyboard to play the tones on. Back on Eternia, Skeletor declares victory and he has He-Man as his slave. And he has the Sword of Grayskull and plugs it into his chair.
He-Man: I'll never kneel to you!
Skeletor: Yes, you will! Yes, you will! Or I shall wreak unforgettable harm upon you.
(Skeletor orders Blade to torture He-Man by whipping him with a laser whip)
"Uhhhhh..." Sean said.
(We see Blade whipping He-Man some more while the song "OK2BGAY" by Tomboy plays in the background)
(A clip from Shameless is shown as we see Ian and Mickey sitting in the bathtub)
Mickey Milkovich: This is gay.
Ian Gallagher (Played by Cameron Monaghan): We are gay.
Mickey Milkovich: No, I don't think I'm this gay.
"Goddamn it. I was doing so well without making one gay joke in a review. But then again, I'm to question He-Man." Sean said.
(Cut back to He-Man getting whipped by Blade while Skeletor watches like he's enjoying it)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, look at this. Skeletor looks like he's getting aroused from seeing He-Man getting whipped.
(The same clip from Shameless is shown once more)
Mickey Milkovich: This is gay.
"Alright, alright, alright. Enough gay jokes. Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With the moon rising to it's apex, the Great Eye opens and Skeletor absorbs the power of the universe while he makes the most awesome villain speech ever.
Skeletor: Yes... I feel it, the power fills me. Yes, I feel the universe within me! I am... I am a part of the cosmos. Its energy flows... flows through me. Of what consequence are you now? This planet, these people, they are nothing to me! The universe is power. Pure, unstoppable power! And I am that force, I am that power! KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER!
(He-Man refuses to kneel for Skeletor)
Skeletor: Fool! You are no longer my equal. I am more than man. More than life. I... am... a... GOD!
"Wow, that speech was long-winded like Joe Biden talking on television." Sean said as the audience boos at him. "What? What? What? It slipped!"
Sean: (Narrating) No joking aside, I love this scene so goddamn much. This is one of the best villain speeches ever and Frank Langella was awesome in that scene. I could just watch this scene and play it back over and over again. It's that good. Anyway, after absorbing a bunch of power, Skeletor turns into a golden armored Skelegod.
(A clip from Masters of the Universe: Revelation is shown)
Skelegod (Voiced by Mark Hamill): I, Skeletor, am MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!
Skeletor: Now, you will KNEEL!
(Skeletor fires his heat vision on He-Man)
Skeletor: KNEEL!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Lubic catches up with Kevin and the others as they manage to re-create a gateway to Eternia and as he gets ready to arrest them, they get sent to the Great Hall of Castle Grayskull.
(The Centurion troops aim their blasters at He-Man's friends)
Detective Lubic: Holy shit.
Skeletor: Destroy them!
Sean: (Narrating) An epic battle ensues and He-Man breaks free from his bonds to join the fight. And we get to see Lubic kicking some ass.
(One of the soldiers shoot ar Lubic)
Detective Lubic: Hey! Nobody takes pot-shots at Lubic!
(Another soldier shoots at Lubic)
Detective Lubic: All right, pinkos, you wanna play games? Then let's play!
(Lubic starts shooting at the Centurion troops)
"Hell, yeah! Don't mess with Mr. Strickland." Sean said.
(A sound clip from Back to the Future Part II plays right when Lubic is shooting at the Centurion troops)
Mr. Strickland: Eat lead, slackers!
Sean: (Narrating) He-Man retrieves the Sword of Grayskull and him and Skeletor have their epic final battle until He-Man stands victorious and breaks Skeletor's staff, restoring him to his normal state.
He-Man: Skeletor. (Panting) It's over.
Skeletor: Yes. For you!
(Skeletor lunges at He-Man with a concealed sword and attempts to kill him. But is foiled when He-Man knocks him into a vast pit below. We see Skeletor falling to his death as he screams)
"Ladies and gentlemen, say good-bye to the best damn performance of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Skeletor is defeated and the Castle Grayskull is saved as well as the Sorceress. Lubic decides to stay since he's found himself a woman and he's definitely gonna be enjoying retirement and Julie and Kevin say their goodbyes to our heroes before they leave for home.
Julie Winston: He-Man, Teela, Man-At-Arms.
Teela: Don't. Don't say goodbye. Say, "Good journey."
Man-At-Arms: There's an old Eternian saying, "Live the journey for every destination is but a doorway to another." Good journey.
Julie Winston: Good journey.
"Yeah, we're gonna make "Good journey" a thing now. So when I say goodbye to someone, I'll just tell them "Good journey"." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Julie and Kevin are sent back home, but here's the thing: the key sent Julie back in time to when her parents died and she prevents them from taking that ill-fated flight.
Mr. Winston (Played by Walter Scott): (After Julie grabs the keys) Julie. Julie, put those keys back.
Julie Winston: I love you
Mrs. Winston: Julie, where are you going? Come back here.
"Damn! So much for our romantic getaway, honey. Little brat." Sean said, imitating Mr. Winston.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Julie gets her parents back and what Julie and Kevin witnessed was not a dream because the Sorceress gave her a little souvenir from Eternia, which is a blue marble-sized sphere containing Castle Grayskull and He-Man.
He-Man: I HAVE THE POWER!
Sean: (Narrating) And they all live happily ever after...
"Or do they?" Sean asked.
(Cut to the post-credits scene where we see Skeletor's head emerging from the water at the bottom of the pit)
Skeletor: I'll be back.
"Yeah. I hate to break this to ya, Skeletor, but a sequel was never made. So you're shit out of luck." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) And that was Masters of the Universe and I loved it. People might say that this is campy, it has it's moments but it's still enjoyable to watch. I loved it as a kid and I still love it now. This was my introduction to He-Man. The effects were decent, the music is amazing and I love the set design as well as the acting. Again, Frank Langella is the best part about this movie. It's a shame that there wasn't a sequel for this movie, it would've been great to see one, but because of the closing of Cannon Films, a sequel was never made. Heck, a new He-Man film is being made after being in Development Hell for years. This movie fits in the "So Bad, It's Good" category and if you haven't seen it, the go check it out. It has it's flaws, but it's still an enjoyable movie. Masters of the Universe comes in at 3 Cosmic Keys out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- It's this large. It has lights on it.
And that was the review of Masters of the Universe for The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of the review and what did you think of the movie, if you've seen it? This was a movie that I enjoyed watching as a kid mostly because of Frank Langella's peformance as Skeletor. He played that character like a Shakespeare villain instead of being goofy like the one in the cartoon. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's another Top 11 Countdown when Sean the Mayhem Critic counts down some of his favorite movie themes in The Top 11 Kick-Ass Movie Themes. After that, it's the return of Halloween Havoc when our favorite residential movie critic kicks off Halloween Havoc VI. Here's what's going to be on Halloween Havoc VI:
1. Return of the Living Dead Part II
2. Child's Play 2
3. Village of the Damned
4. Scream IV
5. Renfield
Which movie for Halloween Havoc VI are you excited for me to review? If you want to join in on the fun for Halloween Havoc VI and want to do a co-review for one of the movies, feel free to PM me if you're interested. Don't forget to review the chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you have any requests for a nostalgic movie or TV show you would like for me to review, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.