I can feel your heart hanging in the air
I'm counting every step as you climb the stairs
It's buried in your bones, I see it in your closed eyes
Turning in, this is harder than we know
We hold it in the most when we're wearing thin
Comin' like a hurricane, I take it in real slow
The world is spinning like a weathervane
Fragile and composed
Though I am breaking down again
I am aching now to let you in
Seven times again when you are not awake
Seven times the flame, too much to take
The sky burns red against your skin
The world we know turns in the wind
Coming like a hurricane, I take it in real slow
The world is spinning like a weathervane
Fragile and composed
Though I am breaking down again
I am aching now to let you in
It's all we know, all we know, the hurricane
Falling slow, falling slow in the pouring rain
It's all we know, all we know, the hurricane
Falling slow, falling slow in the pouring rain
Watch it go, watch it go, we stay the same
And I don't know, I don't know how it can change
Watch it go, watch it go, we stay the same
Hurricane by Fleurie
Exhausted, I slumped down on the couch after my working day at St. Mungo when Tibi suddenly fluttered excitedly in front of me and stretched out his leg to me with a parchment. I felt my heart pounding faster when I recognized the tiny handwriting with the tight letters.
"Meeting in an hour at the usual place." Stood on it, no more, but I understood immediately. Something must have happened that upset him. I immediately set off to be on time, but as I walked up the hill, I saw a man running energetically up and down in front of the cottage.
"Severus, what…?" I asked as I walked up to him, panting, my hands on my hips to gasp for air. But Severus pointed with one hand to the narrow path that ran along the sea. A path that we often took to find a little peace in our everyday life and to have profound conversations. So, I immediately understood his gesture and nodded as I tightened my coat around me. It was still freezing cold and I could see our breath in the air despite the sparse cone of light that the moon threw at us.
"He found out. Potter knows that there is something hidden in the Department of Mysteries that the Dark Lord desires. I saw it in his mind, it was kind of a dream. I hope he is not so stupid and is looking for it. But with his mind, I doubt his sanity. I fear the worst." Severus's voice sounded deep, but there was still a clear tension.
"Don't underestimate Harry, I know he's often impulsive, but he's not going to go to the Department of Mysteries and expose himself to this immense danger. He knows he has to be careful," I replied, still trying to catch my breath in between.
"What if he does? I feel like he's uncontrollable. I need your advice. How can I take this damn idea away from him?" Severus asked, looking at me with narrowed eyes. I felt him pull himself together not to cut off the boy's head. But I hardly knew Harry. Was I really the right person to contact? But I knew I was the only one who Severus would ask such a question.
"You have to have faith, Severus. You won't be able to change it, he doesn't trust you enough for that. We might be able to ask Sirius, if-", I thought aloud.
"No! No way!" he said, waving one hand at my suggestion, but my gaze wandered to his wrist, which showed a red streak. With widened eyes, I looked at the injury that adorned him.
"How did the Occlumency lesson go?" I asked with a dry throat.
"As bad as feared. He is not in control of himself and his emotions. He can't pull himself together for a tiny second, he's completely undisciplined," he barked bitterly, his eyes sparkling with dislike for the boy.
"But, what's that on your wrist?" I asked, pointing to a red welt, and at the same time I hoped that the wound wasn't Voldemort's attempt at torment.
"That was the culmination of Potter's defense. I was hoping he wanted to do a Stinging Hex, but it was pure coincidence." His gaze now seemed erratic, he reached with one hand through his black curtain of hair, which fell into his face. He was unhappy about the overall situation with Harry, that was clearly visible. A boy whom he had pinned all his hopes on. A boy who was supposed to face the most terrifying black wizard of all time. It was like the Muggle story of David and Goliath, but there the younger one was able to win. Through sophistication, something Harry apparently lacked. I sighed.
"It's a pity, I thought you might be able to get closer through your lessons together," I said thoughtfully and my gaze wandered out to the black cold sea. He was still a boy, after all. He would have needed time to mature, but Voldemort had emerged from oblivion faster than we would have all liked.
"Closer? I wouldn't dream of that. But I saw in his memories how his relatives tormented him as a child. That was... enlightening," Severus said with a strange look in his eyes. My breath stopped, I knew that Harry was not doing well among these Muggles, but torment?
"That's terrible, Severus! You should let the Order know so they can do something about it! You know how it feels," I said shocked, suddenly feeling in me that I had myself as a young child. Being at the mercy of others, fear, shame. I cursed Dumbledore at that moment, he had assured me over and over again that the boy, my godson, would be fine. He had apparently lied to keep me quiet. But all this just so that Harry could be under the protection of his mother's blood spell? For what price? I also felt a guilt in me, I had perhaps been too easily deceived by the old wizard. Maybe it was the easier way for me. But I had to swallow my own bitterness.
"I might mention it in passing to Moody or that Tonks," Severus said thoughtfully.
"That sounds good, Severus," I said softly, feeling my voice slipping away a little. After all, I myself was not allowed to know anything about it, not officially.
"The boy is lucky that you are so committed to him," Severus said and grabbed my hand.
"You'd come up with it on your own. If it weren't for me, I'm sure you'd be thinking more about Lily and the connection between the two," I said quietly, thinking about the connection Lily and Severus had in the first years of school, and a certain jealousy bubbled up inside me that I didn't like. It scared me that I still felt it, after all the years that Severus had been mine.
"I'm afraid that since Potter is so much like his father in everything, he would feel my wrath even more if it weren't for you," Severus said, looking at the roaring waves at our side.
"Even more than now?" I asked admonishingly, so that he raised his eyebrows. He closed his eyes briefly to organize himself and his thoughts.
"I guess I'm so angry because I'm losing more time with you because of him," he said in an angry voice, but I felt like there was more to it than all the anger Severus was feeling right now. I looked at him closely, trying to look behind his façade.
"Oh, Severus. What's the real reason you're so angry with Harry right now?" I asked, my gaze resting on his disgusted expression. He turned pale and was silent, as if I had seen right through him.
"Severus?" I asked. And pulled a little by the hand with which he held me.
"I saw Lily in his memoirs. She stood next to Potter in a mirror of Dumbledore. I didn't expect that. It made me feel something... thrown off track," he admitted in a low voice, avoiding my gaze as he turned to the sea.
"What mirror?" I asked in a strangely enraptured voice.
"This mirror is called Esired and shows what your heart's desire is. He must have discovered it in his first year of school, when we chose it to protect the Philosopher's Stone."
"The heart's desire... and he showed him his parents." I was sad about it, because the idea almost tore my heart apart. He was the abandoned boy... again one of them at Hogwarts and yet Harry was apparently so different from Severus back then.
"Yes," Severus replied curtly. The boy who had survived, without parents... apparently still in solitude despite his friends, despite Dumbledore, who was currently avoiding him for a reason that still didn't quite open up to me. He explained my distressed feeling, but not that of Severus, until a thought flashed in me.
"Did you look inside the mirror too?" I asked with a dry throat.
"Yes." His eyes grew moist, and he stared spellbound at the sea, as if it could snatch the truth from him.
"And what did you see?" I asked curiously, but Severus didn't look at me. He couldn't see my face freeze and I had to swallow in fear of what he might have seen. But I couldn't and didn't want to push him. That was not our common connection and I wasn't like that.
"You don't have to tell me, Severus. I-" I reassured him as I saw him turn pale more and more.
He just nodded gratefully and we both turned to the sea, which rushed in front of us, as if it could finally wash away everything unpleasant. So, we stood in silence for many minutes until we ended the evening in the cottage, cooked something together and tried to find our way back to our old we, which we were before the revived Voldemort.
The very next night he appeared again in front of me at the door to my apartment. His questioning look into my flushed face was enough for him to immediately embrace me. Tears ran down my cheeks again, I couldn't hold it back, while Severus pressed me tightly against him and locked the door behind us with some spells.
"You've read it," he stated quietly as he gently led me to the couch. My legs were staggering, and it was hard for me to find my balance in all the chaos of my head. Everything seemed out of control.
"Yes, Antonin Dolohov. That prick who killed Gideon. He and the other Death Eaters - just free again, broken out of Azkaban. Severus, I'm so scared. I can't get through it again," I whimpered on his shoulder. The news had hit me hard. The fact that such crazy people as Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange and Antonin Dolohov were at large inflicted a horror on me that I could not describe. It was a sign to me that this war was inevitable, the danger for all my friends was real. Furious, I banged my fist against the hardwood table, so that a physical pain fought against it in my soul. Frightened, Severus looked at me.
"I'm in no greater danger than before, I assure you," Severus said, trying to calm me down, but I just shook my head.
"It's so tangible for me again. The death of loved ones... Lily, James, Gideon, Fabian and so many others," I began, sobbing. I was so infinitely angry at the same time, something blazed inside me that I had never felt before. It was what others would call hatred.
"I'll prevent everything in my power," Severus said, looking into my blazing eyes. I closed my eyes so as not to see his pale and surprised face. He didn't know me like that, I didn't know myself like that. It was terrifying, literally uncontrollable...this war changes you...
Severus began to press me against him again, I felt his helplessness in the face of my emotions. After all, wasn't I the one of us who preferred a cool head to such impetuous negative feelings? But how could I continue to think that everything could be fine? Have I been naïve to believe that we can all get out of this new war in one piece?
"He's not going to make it. He's just not allowed to," Severus whispered in my ear.
"Excuse me, I... I just miss them all so much," I explained to myself, which made him nod anxiously.
"Thank you for holding me, for being there for me..." I tried to fall into him and put over me the feeling of security that he gave me so often.
"I came to you as soon as possible. I knew you needed me," he said in a soft voice, lovingly brushing the tears from my cheeks, holding my hand tightly in his.
"Yes, you know me."
Severus let go of my hand, instead, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to him. I sobbed into his chest, deciding that for the moment, I didn't care about anyone else's expectations or opinions of me. I allowed myself to be comforted by his soothing scent and deep voice, which was murmuring words of affirmation to me. In his strong and gentle arms, I felt safe and loved, protected from anything that could possibly hurt me. And slowly, very slowly, I calmed down by his presence. Silently, I lay in his arms until this tremendous noise in me diminished and was put aside by another thought.
"I noticed something else. This Broderick Bode, who worked in the Department of Mysteries. The Dark Lord killed him, didn't he? How else could a devil's noose get into St. Mungo?" Sharp had already sent me an owl about it before it was in the Daily Prophet.
"Yes. Malfoy has saddled him with an Imperius. He was supposed to steal the prophecy. But he knew he couldn't steal them and fought back extremely, but the Imperius of Malfoy was stronger. He was now in the way as his health improved. It's hard to imagine if he had revealed what really happened. But the Dark Lord does not yet know that only Potter or himself can be approached. It is only a matter of time before he gains this realization. I wonder what he will do then, because the Dark Lord himself does not want to appear. But to get Potter to steal the prophecy? The boy is under Dumbledore's protection at Hogwarts, he won't succeed," he replied softly.
"What if you're in the way of the Dark Lord?" I ask after a while.
"That's not going to happen. He needs me. As long as I'm spying on Dumbledore for him, I'm very valuable," Severus replied, trying to smile confidently. But I saw the truth in his eyes.
"I'm so scared for you, Severus."
"I'm sorry, Catherine. That's something I shouldn't burden you with. I have the same fear for you." He kissed my forehead softly and we looked at each other briefly. The Dark Lord has convened a gathering in honor of the liberation of his followers. I can't miss it. Can I leave you here alone?" I swallowed, a celebration... for Dolohov. I felt it rushing in my head again, the blood rushing through my veins, literally burning all the positive feelings... wanted to destroy everything until only hatred was left.
"Of course, Severus," I replied hollowly, so Severus looked at me sceptically. "I'm not a little girl."
"But you're so... agitated."
"Yes, but that's just part of my life. It's my decision," I replied a little harshly, but Severus nodded understandingly, kissed me and dressed up. I was left with my fear for him and the hatred of a vile man. But then I heard a familiar voice.
"Catherine? I just heard it. Are you okay? Can I come in?" Remus' voice was as timid as knocking on my door. He was there for me, as always.
Remus, Sirius, Tonks and I stood laughing in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. But appearances were deceiving, because none of us was as carefree as we pretended. But it should be an evening of joy, which we all urgently need so close to Easter.
Severus didn't show much of his sight to me and when we met I didn't get the feeling that it hurt him as much as it hurt me. More and more he tried to withdraw and I tried to cling to him more.
Sirius felt lonely, we were all rarely with him. Our tasks for the Order and the daily work stole the breath we all needed for real life. Sirius seemed to become more and more monosyllabic, the shadows wandered on his face, shadows of loneliness and the feeling of uselessness.
Remus lived among werewolves for a time, he had to win them over to our cause, but he was mistrusted there as well as in our world. The torn feeling of never really belonging anywhere visibly gnawed at him.
Tonks, on the other hand, had confided in me. She was strongly attracted to Remus, but she did not dare to reveal herself because he had made it unmistakably clear to her that he wanted to avoid a relationship. And I could be of no help, since Remus himself was silent to me about his true feelings for the young woman.
Nevertheless, the four of us raised our glasses together and tried to drink and hope for a better future. At that moment, to my surprise, Severus rushed in at the kitchen door, which immediately made Sirius next to me tense up, while Remus gave me a strange sideways glance.
"Well, are you here to ruin the evening with your presence, Snivellus?" Sirius asked challengingly.
"Indeed. I bring you a message that should not be intercepted." Severus dropped a letter right into our midst. We all recognized the sinuous handwriting of our leader.
Sirius reached for it while the rest of us put our glasses down in tension.
"What happened?" I ask as I look at his pale face.
"Dumbledore escaped from Hogwarts."
"What do you mean?" I asked anxiously, looking briefly from Sirius to Severus.
"This stupid brat Potter and his clever friends have met in the Room of Wishes to try out Defenses against the Dark Arts. Out of sheer stupidity, they hung up a list of the members above which 'Dumbledore's Army' was written. The toad has exposed it," Severus said in a bitter tone. We all already knew about the unwise decision nose from Mundungus Fletcher to form such a secret organization under Umbrigde's, which Hogwarts seemed to have completely held in its clutches by now.
"Don't talk like that about my godson. One more word and-" Sirius began while something was already on Severus's lips, but I immediately interrupted the brawlers.
"This is not the right time for your usual escapades," I said so quickly that they both looked at me in shock. "What exactly happened, Severus?"
"Dumbledore sacrificed himself so that Potter and his friends could continue to stay at Hogwarts and he would continue to be protected and follow his destiny to defeat the Dark Lord," Severus continued.
"And the headmaster fled? In front of the Ministry?" Tonks asked, her turquoise hair falling into her wrinkled forehead.
"Yes, in front of Fudge himself. Luckily, Shacklebolt was there and was able to help him escape." Severus wrinkled his nose disparagingly as he thought of what had happened.
"Where is Dumbledore now?" Remus asked, holding on to the table.
"Unknown. But he gave me this letter for the Order. Maybe the dog also intends to share them with all of us?" Severus cast a look of disgust at Sirius, which Sirius returned just as coldly before Sirius continued to devote himself to the parchment in his hand.
"All it says here is that there is a meeting of the Order tonight where we will receive further instructions. Until then, we should be careful." Be careful...what about Harry if Dumbledore was no longer at Hogwarts to protect him? I opened my eyes in shock. The boy was within the safe walls of Hogwarts, but what about his mind?
"Severus, how is the Occlumency s going with Harry?" I asked, frowning.
"Very bad. I have the feeling that we are not making any progress. He still has visions. He does not close his mind. It's a waste of time. Perhaps Potter is also enjoying the dreams of the Dark Lord. It certainly makes him feel special and important."
"Enough is enough!" Sirius shouted angrily, standing up in front of Severus. I saw Severus, in his robe, put his hand around his wand.
"Stop! There's no point in that!" Remus said loudly, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder in a reassuring manner as I clawed Severus' arm who looked at me in astonishment at this public gesture.
"You have to keep practicing with him," I said loudly, looking at Severus insistently. But he glanced to the surprised eyes of the bystanders, who looked at us in amazement at this apparent familiarity between us. Severus pulled away from my grip with a bitter grimace.
"Potter and his friends are hollowheads without sense or reason," Severus spat bitterly, trying to offend me publicly.
"If you think like that, it's even more important that you practice with Harry. Maybe you should involve his friends?" I asked him, still in a familiar tone. I didn't care what the others thought, because I felt like nothing was more important than Harry mastering Occlumency now.
"Not at all. Weasley has the intelligence of a miniature poodle and Granger, this pain in the ass, may possess logical thinking and memorize well, but she has no sense of magic in the slightest. Hopeless," he replied bitterly. I sigh as I felt Sirius tense up again behind me.
"However, the Weasley twins have given us all a nice fireworks display. Has driven Umbridge crazy and I suspect it will keep Hogwarts and her busy for a while," we suddenly heard another voice in the room. Hagrid had also appeared, which now made Severus retreat further from the others. But the attention was now with the half-giant, who let himself crash onto a chair by the fire.
"A rule-breaking that can even please you?" I hissed after Severus quietly and mockingly.
"Indeed," he whispered, trying to suppress his grin.
Two days later, Severus surprisingly stood in front of me in my apartment: pale as chalk and raging with rage. I could feel his anger at Harry Potter as he trudged up and down in front of me.
"That good-for-nothing, wretched fellow. I wish I had caught him with the jar full of cockroaches I threw at him! This humiliation – of the Father and the Son. How could he dare to invade my memories, which I have kept in the Pensieve! If he sets foot in my office, he won't survive," he roared, banging his clenched fist loudly against a wall.
I got up and walked quickly towards him, taking his fist, which was reddened and certainly aching. Severus refused my gaze, his eyes boring into the window behind my back. The anger in him seemed gigantic.
"Severus, I'm so sorry that something like this happened," I tried to reassure in a soft voice. But it seemed as if he was only physically present, as if his ghost was still in the dungeon with Harry.
"At least I got there in time before you intervened in the memory scene. If he had seen you, Potter would have died," he hissed through his tight lips.
"So that was the day you lost Lily?" I asked, shocked after...one of his worst memories.
"No, it was the day I lost you both." His eyes became moist and he wanted to turn away, but I put my hands on his shoulders and forced him to make direct eye contact.
"Severus, you haven't lost me. Harry has seen you humiliated, but he has also seen that his father is not what he thought he was. He now knows a few reasons for your dislike of him. Maybe that's not bad," I stated calmly. I knew Harry had always seen James as the good guy like Sirius and Remus did.
"Not bad? It's as if James Potter is mocking me in front of everyone again. In front of Lily. In front of you," he hissed back, as if he wasn't a master of himself.
"Severus, I perceived it very differently. I only saw how two arrogant hollowheads harassed you. I just wanted to protect you, just hug you and never let go." As I said this, my arms were actually closing around his torso. He sank into me and I held him. I sensed how painful it must be that Harry saw him like that. As a victim of his father.
When he had slowly calmed down, Severus broke away from me again.
"Sorry for my raid. I know it's not wise for me to show up at your place so spontaneously," he said softly, but I shook my head.
"The Dark Lord won't let you pursue any longer. Who would suspect you here?" I asked him, smiling. I saw how he went through different possibilities in his head, but seemed to come to no conclusion. He sighed softly as his hand gently ran through my hair and caught on a strand of mine. I loved it when he did that as I felt it relaxed both of us.
"You know, I could almost forget in all of this that a Slytherin student actually disappeared." His voice sounded a little strange, you could almost think he was dreamy. He spoke the words as if he did not fully grasp their meaning.
"What? A student has disappeared?" I asked again in shock.
"Montague. He is the hunter and captain of our Quidditch team. Joined the Toad's Inquisition Squad. I suspect he's messed with the wrong guy and he's stuck in some closet or secret room. Unfortunately, no spell has been able to track him down so far, only that he must be somewhere in the castle," Severus explained, lost in thought, as he let a strand of my hair slip through his fingers.
"But it's strange that you can't find him. There must be a powerful spell blocking it," I said in surprise, so that Severus stopped moving.
"Or an object. You know, Hogwarts is full of secret rooms or items. I feel like he's popping up faster than we think. In any case, Dumbledore seems relaxed," he said in a low voice, as if he now realized how strange the disappearance of his student actually was. I raised my eyebrows so that my forehead wrinkled.
"Dumbledore is always relaxed as long as none of his darlings have been caught. And Montague is a Slytherin..." I didn't need to finish the sentence to make it clear to Severus what I thought about feeling so relaxed about a missing student.
"I'm going to take care of it again. Right after I thought about how to get back at Potter for spying on my memory," Severus said, his eyes twinkling angrily again.
"Lupin asked me to resume my Occlumency lessons with Potter. He can forget that. I skillfully ignore Potter, which is hard enough for me with his failure in my lessons. Just the fact that he told Lupin and Black what he saw in the Pensive makes me infinitely angry." Severus growled like a wild beast. He was so angry with Harry again that I wondered if it could ever change, if there would ever be another day in peace.
"I wonder if it might not really help him to fight back against Voldemort. I think you should try again, Severus," I said, trying to smile encouragingly at Severus, but he shook his head vehemently.
"No, he will never be able to close his mind. It's completely pointless to continue working with him and I've already told Dumbledore that. Besides, I'm not going to risk him finding out about us by another coincidence. If the Dark Lord has access to Potter's thoughts and memories, then he can access me too. This not only endangers my work. It's not worth it, Catherine."
I nodded and enjoyed the warmth of his body on me. I was so glad that he came to me so spontaneously that I didn't want to pressure him any further and gave in. His reasons were ultimately understandable. Then he told me about the Weasley twins and their departure in front of Umbridge and I actually heard something like respect in his voice.
"Oh yes, the twins. What trouble they caused me in my lessons as a teacher at Hogwarts." I thought back wistfully to this bygone era in my life.
"Not just you. That Dumbledore allowed their escapades and night outings. It's incomprehensible to me." Severus shook his head.
"Yes, he has a weakness for such children."
"For rule-breakers and troublemakers from Gryffindor," Severus bitterly stated.
"He always found it quite amusing," I agreed thoughtfully with a raised eyebrow.
"Speaking of rule breakers. The toad still hasn't figured out that I gave it the fake Vitaserum."
"You rogue," I laughed heartily, while Severus grinned broadly.
And as he leaned over to kiss me, his hand slowly beginning to want to open my dress because our time was now more precious than any unicorn, there was suddenly a knock on the door to my apartment. All facial features slipped away from me.
Damn, I had completely forgotten my appointment with Remus and Tonks, because we wanted to guard the house of the junior minister of the Muggle government named Herbert Chorley that evening, as we had heard from Severus that he was to be cast with the Imperius spell.
"Catherine? Are you ready? We still have a few minutes, but I thought I'd come a little earlier, then we can eat together. I need to discuss… something with you." we heard my best friend's voice booming through the front door.
"Shit. What is he doing here? If he sees me..." Severus stammered and frantically escaped my embrace. I watched as he walked to the window, as if he wanted to throw himself down there to avoid the gaze of Remus. I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath.
"Severus, he knows," I said softly. Severus turned his head to me abruptly, his skin had never seemed so pale to me, his eyes staring at me widened. The shock had visibly hit his bones.
"What?" His voice was only a whisper, but it penetrated my innermost being.
"Remus knows about us," I repeated, holding my breath while Severus' face twisted into a hideous grimace.
"You told him?" he barked and I felt him trying to suppress his anger.
"Severus, I'm sorry. He's suspected it since our school years at Hogwarts. I should have told you. I didn't think that—" I began, trying to soothe him, but he immediately interrupted me.
"Yes, that's right. You didn't think!" he shouted and abruptly tore open the front door, where he saw a surprised Remus. Severus seemed uncontrollable.
"I'll be done here in a few minutes!" he shouted to Remus, full of anger and disgust, before slamming the door in his face and putting a muffliato over it. I swallowed before what was about to come. To my surprise, however, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to regain his concentration. And as if he had made a decision, he looked at me confidently as he slowly opened his eyes again.
"It doesn't work anymore, Catherine. I can't take this any longer. I want you to get out of my life," he said in a cold but low voice.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, my eyes wide open, my hand gripping my chest, which suddenly contracted painfully.
"I'm talking about ending this tragic relationship. Here and now, with immediate effect," he said seriously, crossing his arms in front of him.
"How can you say such a thing? I love you! You love me," I said, shaking my head. He couldn't be serious. No, that couldn't be real. I felt the silver pendant of him in my hand, heliotrope…a symbol of endless love.
"I'm sure you've noticed that I've had little interest in you in the last year. Do you remember when I told you at Hogwarts that people talk about love way too quickly? Maybe that's what I did," he said with a sneer on his face. His eyes seemed as cold as I had never seen them before.
Why… should you… do that?" I asked, stammering. His words seemed as if he had been making them up for some time and that was something that absolutely horrified me. How long had he been thinking about ending our relationship?
"Maybe I also wanted to feel what it's like to be loved by another person. And you literally laughed for me to touch you, it was so obvious at Christmas at Hogwarts. All I had to do was play the unapproachable one a little and at the same time serve you up my remorse for my past to wrap you around my finger. It was pathetic, almost embarrassing to see how easily you reacted to all of this." He sounded mocking and looked at me contemptuously, while I found serious doubts within myself. Could he possibly be serious? Had he been playing with me all along? I heard a bang on my front door, which made Severus laugh out loud.
"And at the same time, I was able to choke Lupin with it. I've always been sure that he feels more for you than your trivial friendship story. He's just as pathetic as you are. And now he has found the perfect copy of you, because I have kept you occupied all these years without access for him. But I think he'll be happy with these Tonks, she's just as clumsy and inconsequential as you are." Everything inside me screamed... How could he say such things? I felt my heart tear apart. But something deep inside me wanted to keep fighting it, to belie his words.
"No, Severus. You've always loved me. I know it, you can't hide your true emotions from me. The way we look at each other, the way you fear me, the way you talk to me. How you touch me... All of this is real," I stammered more to myself than to him.
"Are you sure? You know I can tell the Dark Lord what I want him to hear without batting an eyelid, and I can also fake emotions to make him believe it. Do you really think you're smarter than him? You could do what the Dark Lord couldn't? Look behind my facade and discover the truth? You are truly a foolish witch!" he said, laughing scornfully, his eyes glaring contemptuously at me. The same look he had so often thrown at Sirius. I sank to the ground, unable to stay on my feet any longer.
"Stop it! I know you're lying. You love me, I just feel it. All that we have is real, Severus. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and you're trying to make me believe it's all a lie. That's ridiculous! You just want to push me away from you, as you often do when something becomes problematic or when it gets too close to you. You'd better tell me the real reason why you're doing this! What do you hope to gain from it?" This time, I was the one who screamed. My body trembled from all the effort of having to absorb his words.
"Oh really? You think you really know me? Then you're so much more naïve than I thought," he growled over his pressed lips, which I kissed intimately a few minutes ago.
"I'm not naïve, Severus. I know you, I know your soul, and I feel that all these are empty phrases that you have concocted. I want to know why! Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away from you and claiming that your feelings are not love?" I shouted to him, sure that he must have had a specific reason for his behaviour, which went beyond my openness of our relationship with Remus. There was something in his gaze that made me doubt his words and I wanted to discover the truth in them.
Severus looked at me in surprise for a tiny moment before his face returned to the coldness and aversion he wanted to give me.
"So, you wouldn't have it any other way? You want me to tell you the truth? Then look at this! Expetco patronum!" His wand swung through the air, out of him a silver structure of light. With my mouth open, I stared at the silver doe jumping happily around us to taunt me before fizzling out.
"Why do you think I've never communicated with you with this and why I'm sending you letters with your stupid owl? So that you don't realize who my heart really beats for." Severus laughed out loud. He was right, it was actually the first time I had seen his Patronus. I felt a strong nausea rising in me, which also wanted to take hold of my heart.
"No, that's not true. You don't love her, you love me." I held my hands in front of my face, tears burst out that I didn't want to show him.
"Do you remember the magical mirror Erised of Dumbledore in Potter's first year of school, which shows everyone's heart desire? I looked inside and it confirmed to me what I already knew. I didn't want to tell you about it when you asked me. Do you remember?" he asked and I nodded, unable to get any more words over my frozen lips.
"Do you know what I saw?"
I shook my head.
"Lily. Lily at our wedding. In a beautiful dress. My heart's desire," he said in a deep and ice-cold voice. I whimpered as I looked into his eyes and realized that he was speaking the truth. He'd seen Lily in that damn mirror.
"I'm tired of drying these tears all the time, Lupin should take over! And now excuse me, I have better things to do than have a nice chat here."
He turned around with a swing, took the spells from the door, so that Remus literally stumbled in.
"She's all yours now, Lupin," Severus called out to him, a robe dangling behind him as he quickly disappeared without looking back and looking back at the pile of misery he left behind. I stared at him with my mouth open, unable to comprehend what had just happened.
Tears ran down my cheeks and I felt my heart pounding in my chest as if to prevent it from breaking. But it was too late. I knew this was something that would never heal.
I heard rapid footsteps next to me. Remus knelt down next to me, I felt his hands on my shoulders, the scent of moss permeated me and tried to give me the feeling of connection and closeness again.
"Catherine, what..." Remus asked gently next to me. His widened eyes wandered over my swollen eyes, to my lips, which produced no sound, although they were open.
He hugged me tightly, his hand sliding down my back to calm me down. But the exact opposite happened, and everything burst out of me in a loud sob and torrent of tears. I was not embarrassed when I noticed further footsteps and recognized Tonks with short pink hair from the side.
"What happened? What-" she asked, but a shake of Remus' head interrupted her questions.
"Remus, I thought the stars over the sea were reality," it escaped me after a while. And although the sentence was cryptic, I knew he had understood me without revealing the cause of my pain to Tonks. He grabbed me even tighter and mumbled something to Tonks, who sounded like she agreed. I couldn't understand what they were saying, because I felt like I had fallen into a dark ravine. Just like when I lost Gideon.
"Tonks takes care of our shift alone. I'll stay with you," I heard Remus speak close to my ear as if through a foggy haze. I nodded. He pulled me up, held me tight as my legs automatically ran short. Gently, he sat me down on my couch and threw a thin blanket over my trembling body.
I heard him rummaging in my pantry as I stared at the blank wall in front of me, trying to process the words of Severus. So that's it? All our hours together, our laughter were in the past. Were they, in truth, always the lie Severus had told me?
... Lily, my heart's desire... foolish witch... pathetic...
All this triggered an immense pain in me, made me tear apart deep inside. The pain seemed so infinite that I wanted to stop existing. Be nothing more... just drown in my sea of salty, hot tears.
"Drink this, Catherine. It will calm you down and then tell me exactly what Severus said to you!" Remus handed me a vial of bitter liquid, which I choked down completely until my throat burned. I felt myself slipping into a deep void. Everything had become uncontrollable, but I could hear myself repeating what Severus had said. It had been stored deep inside me. Every injury he threw at my head. Even the insinuation about the true feelings for Remus came over my lips as if I were a different person. Or as if I could shake it all off by doing so. Remus visibly tensed next to me, withdrew his touch as if it were poison for me.
Surprised, I looked at my good friend, who suddenly shook his head.
"He can't be serious, there must be something that makes him do it," he said in a hoarse voice and avoided my gaze.
"His Patronus is a doe," I said with a dry throat.
"Lily..." Remus' voice broke like my heart as he confirmed what Severus was trying to tell me. His love has been for Lily all these years... after such a long time. A darkness surrounded me as I fell into a kind of trance from exhaustion, in the arms of Remus, who held me tight.
Notes:
Did the chapter surprise you? In any case, there will be difficult times ahead of them.