Talking with a therapist might be helpful for civilians, but as an agent of MI9 I just felt annoyed by him. I know trauma is something best not kept bottled up, but this guy just wouldn't stop prying!
"Agent Silver, I know you're reluctant to discuss what may be a sensitive topic for you, but I can't help if you don't open up to me." The therapist told me, I could tell that under that professional facade he was putting up, that his tone was becoming a little exasperated, I don't know why he's getting irritated, he's at least getting paid to be in this room, I however am mandated to be in here after that...event.
"Look John, I just have nightmares on occasion; it happens, no big deal." I reply, brushing my short brown hair out of my face.
"If this was just an occasional thing, that might be true, but from what your handler has told me: you've been screaming in your sleep for two weeks now, from what he could hear from your sleep talk it sounds like the same dream each time, it could be your mind trying to process what happened to you since you refuse to via other means." John explained.
"That's ridiculous." I scoffed while rolling my eyes at that statement, of course Max, my handler, reported it after I asked him not to. Why can't people just mind their own business? "Dreams are just a poor man's drug drip, they don't mean anything." I retorted, getting annoyed with this dickhead.
"If they don't mean anything, why do they scare you?" He then asked me. I leaned back in the chair folding my arms and crossing my legs.
"They don't, I've literally beaten a mercenary captain to death on his own ship, shot half his crew and then lit the whole thing on fire; if a situation like that doesn't scare me then nothing will." I argued. John chuckled a little as I finished, that confused me a little, did I give him an idea?
"You weren't scared in that situation because you felt in control, your element so to speak. I get the feeling in these nightmares that is not the case, correct?"
I felt my chest tighten from him bringing up the dream yet again. I couldn't believe it, I hadn't told him anything about the dream and he worked out my discomfort from an unrelated story? Wow therapists are good. My bravado was evaporating as he got closer to figuring things out.
"I...I guess you could call it that." I confirmed for him. John then leaned forward and started gesturing at me.
"Since you don't want to talk about your...incident, lets try the dream instead, you can simply give me yes or no answers like 20 questions, but feel free to add more detail if you want, alright?" He was going to use a game to get me to talk? Wow that's actually clever, I figured I might as well play along with it to humour him, maybe I could use it to mess with interrogators if I ever get caught.
"Alright fine, I'll play."
"Does your dream resemble the incident?" "Yes"
"Does your dream take place in the same area as the incident?" "No, its...an island."
"Island? Are you on a mission in the dream?" "I think I am? I'm wearing my mission outfit in it."
"Are you alone on this island?" "No, theres...women...on the water...their gliding on the surface somehow."
"Are you describing kansen agent Silver?" "I...I think? I-I've never... seen one in... real life though, just in videos during... mission briefings."
I realised my breathing was getting faster, and shallower, like somehow my chest cavity was shrinking and squashing my lungs, my heart pounding hard against my ribcage, I could feel it tightening further as I relived the dream in my head, god no...not again...
"I've heard what they can do...what they're capable of...oh shit no..." I breathed out, I could barely hear John talking to me now, all I could see were those women on the ocean's surface, watching me, like predators would their prey, only they seemed to have other things in mind instead of eating, from what their pervy grins were showing.
"Agent calm down, its not real, breathe as deep as you can." John told me, I looked over at him as he showed me what to do, I tried to copy his breathing, trying to calm down. Slowly I started taking longer gulps of air, then finally a long normal breath. It took a minute or so but I felt somewhat normal again. "There, is that better?"
"Yeah...thanks...I uh...guess that effected me more than I thought." I admitted nervously, rubbing the back of my head in embarrassment.
"Hyperventilating is normally associated with panic attacks, do you have a history of them agent?" I looked over at him confused.
"Well...it happens sometimes around... women." I told him sheepishly.
John raised an eyebrow at me curiously. "Around women? Do you have issues with women?"
"N-no! I'm not a misogynist or anything, its just...sometimes the more...'forward' ones creep me out." I replied, looking away in shame. "Lets just say the ones in the dream are very forward." I added, shuddering as the dream crept into my head again.
"Agent Silver...I'll be blunt...did those kansen do something to you in that dream?" I didn't want to answer that question, just thinking about it now disgusted me, not just the acts, but the way it made me feel, my body and instincts completely betrayed me, forcing unwanted pleasure through me like a cancer.
"Yes, thats all i'm saying." "Oh you were doing so well, just tell me a little mo-" "THATS ALL I'M SAYING!"
I jumped from my seat and shouted at the top of my lungs. I was done being polite and talking about this garbage that I just wanted to forget. I already felt like shit just for even thinking about it again, I could have throttled this guy if my agent tactical training didn't kick in and stop me.
"Agent please calm down! I'm just trying to help!" John quickly held up his hands defensively, I guess I spooked somebody outside with my outburst as one of John's aids opened the door. She had a concerned face seeing me standing over her co-worker with an angry look.
"Is there a problem?" She asked. "No...I was just leaving."
I stepped by her and out the office. I was done discussing it, I don't care any more, I just wanted to get back to work. I could feel my muscles tensing and clenching as I stomped back to my currently assigned safehouse. Why can't anyone just leave me alone?
The safehouse, a few minutes later.
Max was not happy with me cutting that therapy session short, he just watched me return with a shaking head and a disapproving gaze. Well fuck you too Max, for putting me in that situation in the first place you prick. I almost barged past him since he was in the front doorway, and started getting a mission bag together, I hadn't been assigned one yet but I always preferred being ready.
"Is this all you ever plan to do with your life Silver?" Max asked me in a disappointed tone. I glared up at him briefly before returning to sorting out the bag.
"You know the answer to that." I replied curtly. "Look, I just had an incident on mission, I don't need therapy, I just need to avoid honeypot missions from now on, why does nobody else get that?"
Max sighed. "Look Silver, It doesn't matter how much training or conditioning you do; you're only human, you have vulnerabilities just like the rest of us, take some time to fix yourself for God's sake." He pleaded with me.
"There's nothing to fix, the nightmares will stop at some point and I'll be fine." While the dreams did freak me out, I wasn't going to let them control me, I just needed to brute force this...phase I was going through and I'll be right as rain. At least thats what I thought, Max didn't like that answer it seemed.
"Then you leave me no choice, Agent Silver: I'm placing you on Azur lane HQ until further notice." Max declared to me. That got my attention, I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, thinking he was joking at first. That stupid look he got on his face when he was serious said otherwise.
"Azur lane? Won't that just make things worse for me? Its literally full of women." I told him.
"Exactly, you won't let a conventional therapist help you, so we're gonna do exposure therapy of the highest degree, not only can't you run from these women, you can't fight them either, so you'll be forced to deal with your phobia head on." Max berated to me.
I just groaned, I didn't have time for this therapy shit when my performance in missions hadn't changed at all. "Max I don't want, nor need, to 'get over' a non-existent phobia, I just-"
Max forcefully interrupted me "Silver you don't get a say in this, if you don't get over it, this will damage any future relationship you want to have, not just with women if you're Bi or something, there's more to life than your job as an agent you know."
I wanted to fucking punch this asshole once he said that, he knows more than anyone I don't care about having a civilian life, between missions I'm just waiting for the next one, my real name might as well not exist from how often I let people call me by it. I've dedicated my body and mind to the secret agent world, nothing else matters to me, not even relationships. It doesn't help that I'm apparently quite good looking according to many women who've spoken to me.
"You don't need to worry about it, kansen are some of the friendliest people I've ever met, they'll treat you well mate, both in AND out the bedroom." Max continued with an eye waggle. I just wanted to dry heave with that comment. Even before my...incident, I never liked the idea of sex, maybe because my parents never gave me 'the talk' and because of that, whenever my friends talked about it while I was growing up; I was just disgusted.
"I'm... not even going to ask how you know that..." I stated quietly turning my head away. Max just laughed.
"Come on, I know you're curious~" He teased with a wink, then he went over to our computer. "Anyway its decided, you're going and that's final." he declared more seriously, before tapping on that thing to do whatever.
I just sighed, internally debating whether or not its worth it to keep arguing with him. I decided to just ask him something directly. "How long do I need to stay there?"
"As long as it takes for you to conquer the fear, think of it like a vacation, you'll get a tan, good food, maybe work up the courage to ask someone on a date; You really need to find that human side again Silver, you're crushing your soul living like this."
I almost laughed at that last sentence. 'Crushing my soul?' that sounds like something from a movie. "I'm happy as an agent though, come on Max, we both know this is an overreaction." I chuckled to him, hoping to, more softly, talk him out of this.
"You just think you're happy, you've brainwashed yourself into thinking that way, a common thing among workaholics and people with phobias; both of which apply to you." Max retorted. "Right, I've taken you off the books for any upcoming operations, lets head out!" He finished.
Great, I'm officially being thrown into the deep end and Max seems to think I can swim out of this one. If I die of a panic attack, heart attack or death by snu snu; I'm gonna possession horror the SHIT of this asshole.
Azur lane HQ, a few weeks later.
I have to admit: Azur lane is an awesome looking place, this port is bloody huge. The architecture of the enormous harbour was impressive as hell and all the ships housed in it were awesome looking too. I almost forgot why I was here for a moment as I watched from our resident kansen ship; HMS Illustrious.
MI9 normally doesn't work directly with Azur lane, but we had enough of a working relationship that we did each other favours on occasion, sometimes they lent us increased firepower on missions on or close to the sea, and other times we would provide them intelligence on their own targets; basically a kind of 'do each other a solid' kind of interaction. Its how Max got me a ride on Illustrious's hull. I actually like Illustrious by the way; she's a very kind lady.
Speaking of that woman, She walked over to me looking through one of the portholes from one of the hull's living quarters. "Agent Silver, just letting you know we're about to dock in a while, may I ask why you're coming to Azur lane?" I know enough about her 'holy wits' to know she would see right through any lie, despite it literally being my job to lie professionally, so I just sighed, and told her honestly what John and Max told me.
Surprisingly, Illustrious just smiled at me, that damn smile is so disarmingly genuine, I couldn't believe it was actually possible to put one on your face. She sat right next to me and replied. "Its OK to be scared Agent, the trick is learning when to respect it and when you should conquer it." However what she said next was the really surprising thing.
Illustrious looked down a little and bounced her breasts at me before asking: "Do you want to touch them?" I could feel my heart skipping a beat at that question, my lungs seemed to pack up, like someone had reached into my chest and started squeezing them
"Uh is that... appropriate miss Illustrious? We uh...we've only known... each other a few weeks..." I pointed out, my voice becoming staggered and breathless. Illustrious giggled a little at my, presumably, blushing face; I did feel VERY hot there.
"Normally no, but from what you've told me, you need something to gently pull you back to a healthy outlook on women and yourself, I've seen similar behaviour before Agent Silver and how bad it can get, so I don't mind assisting you in this matter."
Before I could even think to stop her, Illustrious pulled me into a hug, pressing my head into her cleavage. I yelped, and felt panicky the moment we made skin contact, my chest tightening again. I tried to push myself away, but she was too strong for me, though even if she was a normal woman I don't think I could, my breathing was too fast to get enough oxygen to my muscles, I had nothing to power them which meant no strength.
"Its OK, just stay calm, you're safe, I'm just hugging you, no more." She was saying soothingly to me and rubbing my back.
For some reason it was working, her soothing voice, that gentle touch and the slow rise and fall of her chest, it gave me something for my own breathing to latch onto and copy. I panted a little slower with each breath, and slowly stopped resisting the hug, my muscles slowly obeyed me again as they got what they needed. As I came out the panic attack, I could finally see what everyone was talking about, why they kept insisting how broken my mental state was: Why the fuck did I see a kind hug as something to run from?
"I...I think...I see now..." I tried to say, my voice a little muffled due to being stuck in her breasts. "L-let go...please..." I asked her gently, she thankfully listened to me and helped me up. I shook my head a little to clear up the dazed feeling, of having giant tits jiggled right in my face.
"I'm glad you see the extent of your damaged emotions agent, admitting you have a problem is the first step in over coming it." Illustrious told me. "But you handled yourself quite well for your first attempt." She added with a smile.
"Technically that wasn't an attempt, you pulled me in." I pointed out, slightly annoyed at how casually she was treating this. Illustrious just giggled and said: "Well yes, but you still managed to stay calm and convince yourself you were not in danger from a friendly hug." Illustrious corrected me, with that smile she must know could disarm a man with a chainsaw. I couldn't stay irritated with her with that smile on her face, I sighed and looked between us, a little ashamed I got mad in the first place.
"Now, do you want help with that?" She then asked me while lowering her eyelids, I wondered what she was talking about before I realised the VERY obvious tent in my trousers. I almost screamed in my embarrassment before covering myself.
"Oh god! I-I'm so sorry! I...I..." I started stammering, I wanted to just jump out the porthole upon realising what my body displayed. Illustrious seemed to be trying hard to stifle another giggle, watching me get flustered. Damn these women really are naughty, even the one I thought couldn't be!
"Don't panic about it agent, I'm honoured I'm that attractive to you, though I have the impression you're not ready for that yet on an emotional level." Illustrious told me kindly. "You might want to get rid of that however before we dock, I'll leave you to it."
Illustrious then left me alone with this raging boner, great. I decided to just pull out my phone and game for a while before we docked, that normally keeps my mind off things. There was no way I was ever going to be jacking off. Fuck that disgusting act.
Harbour
I followed Illustrious down the catwalk to the dock, two more women and a naval officer about my age were both waiting for me. One women was wearing what looked a typical sea captain's dress uniform, even complete with the captain's cap, light blue eyes and long silver hair. The other women was an...admittedly hot looking, nine tailed kitsune. Long brown hair, including her triangular fox ears and and bushy tails, plus red eyes...oh fuck, she's staring at me like she wants to eat me or something. The officer held his hand out to me with a smile, I gratefully shook it.
"Welcome to Azur lane agent Silver, I'm the Commander of this place." He greeted. Nice guy, didn't really feel much of an 'authoritative' vibe off him like I would my bosses. "These two are Enterprise and Akagi, from of Eagle Union and Sakura Empire respectively." the Commander added.
Enterprise shook my hand in a similar way to the Commander had done, while giving me a small smile. I don't think she was that interested in me or why I was here, she seemed nice enough though. "I hope you have a pleasant stay agent." She told me politely.
"Me too, from what I've heard about this place from my co-workers that shouldn't be too hard." I joked, trying to lighten the mood. It must have somewhat worked since both the Commander and Enterprise chuckled a little.
I then went to shake Akagi's hand, but instead of shaking it, she pulled me towards her and wrapped her other arm around my shoulder; Still looking at me with that...almost predatory smile. I couldn't stop myself panting a little from the informal contact, that she clearly had a few inches on me in height.
"My, you're a cute one aren't you agent Silver~" She told me with a giggle. I laughed nervously, both from her words and how close she was holding me. But under my somewhat calm exterior, my chest started to contract again with the tension, I internally pleaded with myself not to panic in front of these people as I tried to control my shallow breathing.
"Akagi leave the man alone, he just got here." The Commander joked to her. Akagi glanced back at him for a moment, before releasing me, relief flooded me as I could breathe normally again. I think Illustrious realised something was wrong, as she placed her hand on my shoulder from behind me.
"I believe agent Silver is tired from his trip, I'll escort him to his quarters for him to rest, may we push your meeting to tomorrow Commander?" Illustrious asked the officer.
"Of course, Silver get some shut eye, we'll continue tomorrow." The Commander agreed. Illustrious then led me away from the three of them, I could swear Akagi gave me a wink before she followed the other two.
"Don't mind miss Akagi, she doesn't mean any harm, she's just easily excitable around men. She must like you." Illustrious explained with a smile.
"Yeah I got that bit." I replied with a nervous chuckle, I definitely sensed a little...hunger behind that fox woman's eyes. I just hoped she had enough willpower to not act on it if we're alone together.