Chapter 1 – Pond Man, Take Me By The Hand

In which Jaune Arc takes a deep dive and goes spelunking.

The catapult shot off the cute white-haired girl Jaune had tried to flirt with just hours ago, Weiss. He wasn't entirely sure how he felt about seeing her launch out into the sky with no jetpack, parachute, hang-glider, or any other gear to prevent her from going splat, but she seemed confident enough, so he figured she probably knew something he didn't. They probably all did.

Only one way to fix that.

"Um, sir? I've got a question. This…landing…strategy…thing. W-eh-What is it?"

The huge guy all decked out in the shiny armor was next. Ok, now Jaune was sure that he'd missed something, because all that metal would've had to weigh a ton, and no parachute was going to be enough to slow him down.

The headmaster took a long drink from his beverage, and in that time, the upbeat blonde girl was sent flying into the sky with a happy cry that gradually faded out as the distance between her and the cliff-goers increased. Jaune heard what sounded like bullets firing as she moved through the air.

Eventually, the teacher spoke. "Your landing strategy is your own choice, young man. As I told you, I shan't advise you nor offer aid."

"Oh. I see." Jaune didn't see, but everyone else seemed to know what was going on, and he didn't want to look stupid.

A super tough looking Faunus flew off next. Jaune hoped that he didn't run into that guy in a dark alley. Not because the dude was a Faunus, but because he looked like such a rough and tumble fellow with those pronounced muscles and that serious look on his grizzled face.

"Yeah, no, I got one, I just wanna, uh, know what your grading criteria are. Yeah, cuz, actually, I got so many landing strategies that I just wanna make sure I use my best one for this particular test."

Cereal Box Girl spared him a glance before her own pad threw her off into the distance. Now, he was alone with just Ruby, the chipper orange haired girl, and orange's stoic boyfriend. The four of them were looking at Jaune with great curiosity as he rambled about landing strategies.

"I suppose I shall offer you this, young Mister Arc."

Oh, so the headmaster knew his name. That…didn't bode well for someone who was hoping to stay under the radar. Forged transcripts rarely tended to mix well with headmasters on first name bases.

"Bye Jaunnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!" squealed Ruby as she entered low orbit, throwing him up a pair of dual thumbs-ups. Well, they were technically thumbs-downs because she was flipped upside down by the pad, but he got the message and smiled a faint smile for her sake.

"Don't use up too much of your aura or Dust with your landing strategy. The Emerald Forest is home to no small number of Grimm. You wouldn't wish to run yourself ragged before the true battle even begins."

Okay, thought Jaune, just gotta conserve my aura and Dust. So, what are aura and Dust?

Stoic Boyfriend-kun said nothing to Jaune's unvoiced question and simply ascended straight into the air like a rocket, keeping his arms by his sides and flipping occasionally. He looked quite practiced as this, and his motions reminded Jaune of a high diver.

Everyone here is so cool. I can't wait to become just like them.

Now it was just Jaune and the head of bright orange hair. Even though Jaune towered over her by height (she was probably an inch or two shorter than even Ruby), she seemed to tower over him in terms of stature. Jaune wasn't hunched over or anything, but he felt so tiny compared to her. She wore a wide grin, and her eyes were eagerly flitting about the forest as she probably used that huntress educated brain of hers to strategize about weak points in the trees to land in or something. There was no denying it; she couldn't wait to be launched.

Jaune, on the other hand, was a fake. A fraud. He had no training, he had no qualifications, no aura, no Dust, no courage. If there was any silver lining to this situation, it was that he was about to be shot face-first into a Grimm infested forest and die violently (either from the fall or the Grimm themselves), so he wouldn't have to face anyone's disappointed stares when his lies were revealed.

"Good luck."

"Wha–"

Orangey was gone before he could even finish saying the word. In hindsight, asking someone what they meant when they'd obviously just wished him luck probably made him look like quite the fool, but again, imminent death approached, so it probably wasn't going to be an issue.

At least she didn't say 'You're going to need it.'

"You're going to need it," said the blonde professor, Goodwitch.

And then Jaune's launchpad activated.

It was actually rather serene, flying up in the clouds without a care in the world, at least for the ten seconds before it spoiled. Jaune had taken flights before, but the windows on those airships were so narrow that he could just see a single small patch of land. The trips to Vale and then Beacon were slightly better in their picturesque views, but it had been so slow back then. Like this, with no plane or ship around him, he could soar through the skies and see the entire world around him. Trees went on in most directions as far as the eye could see, save for the occasional landmark like a mountain, lake, or…

The temple!

Jaune tried to fly in that direction before he remembered that he had no aura or Dust, and apparently those were what the other students were using to control their mid-air momentum. He pulled in his arms and legs and tried to keep his eyes fixed on the stone fixtures that presumably held the all-important relics, but flying wasn't like driving a car. He couldn't steer, and in the span of a single second after locating his objective, he began to rapidly descend after reaching the zenith of his flight.

There were many other students in the skies with him. Well, they weren't anywhere near him, but at this height, there was nothing around them for miles, so Jaune had a clear, uninterrupted view of all his classmates/competitors, or at least those who hadn't already landed. Jaune could see some green-mohawked boy doing all sorts of flips and trick moves as though he were on an invisible skateboard, but aside from style points, it didn't really seem to be doing much to help him. Ruby and her sister were using their guns to slow themselves as they plunged towards the ground. That must've been what Ozpin meant by using Dust.

Jaune hadn't even known that it could be weaponized like that. He wasn't an idiot; every human and Faunus on Remnant knew what Dust was. Well, probably some hermits or isolated desert tribes in Vacuo didn't, but all of civilization and the four kingdoms knew. The SDC's Dust shipments kept the world going round. Even Ansel, as small a town as it was, still used modern technology like heaters, stoves, and fridges. Still, the fact that it was more than just fuel blew his mind. Looking back, it made complete sense that the highly flammable energy propellant could double as an incendiary weapon, but it was too late to apply that to a landing strategy now that he was already in the air.

The temple gradually faded out of view as Jaune began his final descent. He kept his eyes on it for as long as he could before realizing that he probably would be better off if he actually started looking at where he was about to land.

I suppose land is the wrong word. Unless a miracle flies out of the sky and saves me before I go smush on the ground.

Except it wasn't ground that was below him.

No miracle came from the skies, but the waters did part as Jaune splashed down into the lake with such force that his legs felt like they were ripped right off. Plunging deep beneath the surface, Jaune actually touched down with such force that he went straight to the bottom of the lake and felt his shoulder contact the soft silt at the bottom of the crater. His momentum had been broken by then, and he was moving slowly by the time he ate mud, but the pain caused by falling and landing in the water still smarted.

I'm alive, though. That's both a plus and a minus.

On the plus side, I didn't die.

On the minus side, I'm not off the hook with this whole no landing strategy, no aura, no plan thing.

He wouldn't be alive for much longer if he just stayed at the bottom of this big pond, though. He'd managed to gasp in a quick breath before he'd gone under the surface, but it wouldn't last him long. Swimming wasn't exactly an easy thing to do when one carried a sword and shield and wore a full breastplate with pauldrons on both shoulders. Jaune didn't have much body fat, which meant there was very little about his body that was buoyant, and in spite of his middle school coach's lessons as an eleven-year-old, his form was rustier than a sunken boat.

The pool of water was probably only about fifty feet deep. Jaune was already halfway to the surface when he caught sight of motion above him. The sun was directly overhead, meaning that the shadow of something dark black passing overhead blocked out his light for a brief second before it moved on, and the sun returned. All that was left was a slightly chilled current in the water, and a sinking feeling in Jaune's stomach.

He couldn't stop swimming upwards, though. Instinctive combat pragmatism told him that he needed air, but whatever creature he'd just seen probably wouldn't. If he fought it on the half breath with which he'd filled his lungs, he wouldn't last for more than a few seconds. His best bet was to get to solid ground and hope that whatever it was didn't walk as well as it swam.

Amazingly, the thing from the deep didn't stop him from reaching the surface. Grabbing in a massive gulp of air, he tried his best to slow his arms and legs and still keep treading water. Dipping his head below the murky surface (his own motion had kicked up a lot of dirt), he peered around in the darkened waters to see if the creature was still there.

Nothing.

Innate fear of what lurked below told Jaune to get the heck out of the lake as soon as he could, but rationality and his renewed will to not die here told him that sharks sensed motion, and he'd be better off not flailing around his arms.

I swear, this had better not be a Grimm shark. I can't even deal with the THOUGHT of a shark, let alone a real shark, double let alone an unkillable black monster version of one.

Jaune did his best to keep calm and paddle to the edge of the lake. It was slow going, but if he tried to do something like a backstroke (the only real stroke he remembered, and the only one where he wouldn't have to constant dip his head above the water for breath), he risked losing sight of the water beneath him and getting ambushed by filet-o-Grimm.

About one hundred feet from shore, the water around him suddenly felt cold. Jaune looked down at the pond, which had settled, and saw the same black shadow glide casually beneath him. From his left to his right, he got a good look at it this time. He didn't know much about fishing, but what he could tell was that this Grimm was definitely aquatic. It was long and cylindrical, probably only three feet across at the widest, but easily twenty feet long, perhaps more. It wasn't like an eel or a snake, which could curl its body and slither through the water, but more like a sturgeon with a body pretty much stuck in a straight line except for the fins and tail. Jaune counted about five sets of fins, roughly equally dispersed across the length of the Grimm's body. The snout was probably the weirdest thing about it, with the quintessential bony Grimm mask covering the elongated and skinny mouth. Teeth attached to the bottom jaw stuck out, and its glowing red eyes flicked upwards to meet his own. It almost looked like a crocodile Grimm's head had been sewn onto Grimm fish's body. It reminded him of some fish he'd seen in some natural history museum he'd visited as a kid, but the name was slipping his mind.

Jaune fought down his rising panic and continued to gradually swim back to shore. Sure, the Grimm had seen him, but whatever he was doing by slowly paddling seemed to work towards not aggravating it, so he fully intended to keep doing it. Maybe it was because he was keeping himself calm, or maybe he was just too scrawny to even register as a food source for the Grimm, but he wasn't going to, pardon the pun, rock the boat, not when he was so close to the edge of the lake.

As soon as he found his feet touching solid ground, he let out a sigh of relief. He'd made it. Now all he had to do was find a radio, call in a napalm strike, and evaporate this mega-Grimm's entire habitat before it could creep him out anymore. When he got close enough, he stopped paddling and waded through the water. Double checking that he hadn't lost Crocea Mors, he stepped onto the pebbles coating the waterfront and shook himself dry like a dog.

When it became clear that that only worked for dogs' fur and not for human clothing, he instead elected to let the sun dry him off. Taking off his clothes and wringing them out was an option, but there were probably plenty of other students trekking through the forest, and Jaune didn't think he could take the embarrassment if Ruby caught him in his skivvies.

Speaking of other students, he'd probably ought to start looking for someone to partner up with. The temple sounded like a good starting point. Since everyone else was searching for it too, he would probably cross paths with someone else on the way if he went in the direction he'd seen it. That, or he'd meet someone there. With his mind made up, Jaune smiled, nodded at the lake with a satisfied sense of triumph, and set off on his hunt for relics.

And then, behind him, the water exploded.

Jaune had just enough time to turn around and raise his arms in defense to see the fish Grimm breach the water and leap towards him mouth-first.

If the snout hadn't bit him at the torso, which was defended from its teeth by his simple suit of armor, he could have been snapped in half and ended the test as fish food.

It didn't let go of him, though. Even though the initial attack hadn't killed its quarry, the gar Grimm (that was the fish it looked like, an alligator gar!) was now trying to pull him off the land and back into the water. It wasn't doing well, given that its fins weren't providing it with much force on land, but the thing had to weigh two tons, and there was no way Jaune could win tug-of-war with it, especially when his chest was the rope.

His armor was holding, but he could hear it beginning to fold as the Grimm's teeth pushed down. He needed to change this situation before the Grimm dragged them both into the shallows and could actually use its fins.

Well, Mr. Grimm, I just so happen to have teeth of my own. Say hello to Crocea Mors!

Jaune grabbed his sword and freed it from the scabbard. He was caught sideways in the Grimm's maw such that its jaws were biting down on the front and back of his chestplate, and so the hip on which he kept his weapon was actually right up against the Grimm's exposed throat. Drawing out his sword, he simply turned it ninety degrees upwards and jabbed straight into the monster's open mouth.

The Grimm hissed with anger and began to writhe around, flopping its body wildly. Jaune's initial elation at the thought that he had critically damaged it soon was overshadowed by the realization that it was well and alive. He'd only enraged it.

Jaune screamed in pain as the Grimm bit down harder, and his armor finally gave way. Teeth pressed through the metal and just barely scratched the skin on his torso, but the real punishment came from the fact that the sudden shift in the position of the Grimm's jaws caused some exposed fangs to stab straight into Jaune's sword arm. It wasn't deep, but it really, really hurt, like nothing Jaune had ever experienced before. Dropping his ancestral blade, he could only watch in horror as the backmost set of fins slipped into the water and it suddenly began to wiggle a lot faster. He slipped further and further from Crocea Mors as he was dragged back into the lake from which he'd come.

I guess this is it. No more sword, no more armor, no more hope.

Jaune tightly let out his last breath as he plunged deeper and deeper into the depths of the lake, hoping that perhaps drowning would come first and might be preferrable to being torn apart by a ravenous gar Grimm. The light of the overhead sun shrank and shrank until it stopped shrinking.

I'll never get to be a heroic huntsman or have a cute girlfriend or even find a partner. I'm going to die.

Wait a second, why isn't the light of the sun fading? It stopped shrinking…h-have I stopped moving?

Jaune pressed his arms outwards, expecting to feel the razor-sharp teeth of the fish, only to have them pass through empty water. Something about him felt…lighter, compared to last time he'd been swimming. He hadn't wanted to look down at the Grimm that had been carrying him, hoping that his last view on Remnant wouldn't be its nightmarish scorching eyes, but his curiosity for how he'd been freed to the better of him, and he snuck a glance.

The Grimm was thrashing about, his breastplate still stuck in its mouth.

My shoulder straps broke, and I slid out. The Grimm thinks it's got me, but that's just my armor. I still have a chance.

Quietly paddling was for chump; this time, Jaune broke out into as fast a swim as he could. Kicking his legs, pumping his good arm, waving his back, he did everything he could to squeeze every ounce of speed out of his damaged body before the Grimm realized it was chewing up some metal and not an Arc munchy.

He got to the surface of the water, gasped for breath, and looked back down. The Grimm within the disturbed waters had now picked Jaune's armor out of its teeth and was in the process of swallowing it hole.

Time to go!

Jaune frantically swam to the shore, keenly aware that the water was gradually getting colder. From before, he knew that meant the Grimm had realized he was still alive and was now closing in on him, but he couldn't spare to time to see just how near it was.

He made it to land just in time to hear the water explode behind him a second time. Grabbing Crocea Mors from the rocky beach with his good hand, he closed his eyes and swung it above his head with all his might, guessing where the Grimm would have been based on how it had attacked last time.

He guessed right. The Grimm wasn't slain, but Jaune managed to sever off both the top and bottom of its snout. Not waiting to see if it would regrow or something, Jaune backed off, putting several paces between him and the monster.

The Grimm tried flopping about and hitting the rocks with its tail, but this time it had overextended itself and gone too far out on land. Jaune approached its undefended stomach with his newly reclaimed sword. Against a literal fish out of water, even Jaune couldn't mess it up.

Crocea Mors drove straight into its heart.

Okay, that sounded cool, but what actually happened was more like Jaune wildly hacking at the Grimm's everything while screaming his lungs out in hopes that he struck true and managed to injure something vital in his hysterical assault. Only when the Grimm began to disappear into smoke did Jaune let up.

The body melted away, and Jaune was left with nothing but his own damaged armor, falling out of the Grimm's now nonexistent stomach right onto the rocks at Jaune's feet.

Huh. This…saved my life. I would've been toast without it. I really ought to invest in a full set. I had better check my bank account to see if I have enough lien to afford any.

With nothing else to do with it, Jaune tied back the shoulder straps in an amateurish knot, slung the breastplate back over his own panting breast, took a second to calm his nerves, and trudged off into the forest in search of friendship, monsters, and a passing grade.

Aura [ˈôrə]

noun

1: (hunting) an externalized physical manifestation of the soul that provides hunters with unique and enhanced physiological capabilities

2: (spiritualism) an exuded non-physical atmosphere related to an individual's personality or mental state

3: (medicine) a preliminary sign of a migraine or extreme headache

Jaune was lucky that the dictionary app on his scroll had cached several entries, and that aura, alphabetized to the near top, was among those entries. If he hadn't been, he would've still been completely blind as to what Ozpin had been talking about in terms of conserving his aura.

Still, even though he now knew a general description, he wasn't any closer to understanding the specifics of what it did or how he found it. Using his head, he could figure out some of the basics. Obviously, it somehow helped you fall out of the sky without dying. If Ozpin was worried about him 'using it up,' it probably functioned like a muscle, getting tired after repeated use. The manifestation of the soul bit was still throwing him off, but he could just look it up more when he got back into wireless range. All that mattered was that he at least could answer any question his potential partner might ask him.

The breastplate he wore was now adorned with two rows of wide gashes from the teeth on both sides of the Grimm fish's mouth, but Jaune felt like it was still worth keeping. Against a person, those holes would be easy targets for a gun or thin sword, but other Grimm probably wouldn't have that kind of fine precision. Besides, it didn't weigh enough to warrant getting rid of it, and it had saved his life.

His arm still stung, but it was slowly getting less painful as time went on. He'd cut a strip off fabric from one of his pants legs off and used it to patch up his wound, then he'd cut off an equal strip from the other leg just to make sure that he didn't have any unevenness on his pants. After all, what kind of huntsman would he be if his uniform was lopsided and asymmetrical? And he'd rather lose the arm than inflict any harm to his rare, limited-edition, only 500 ever made Pumpkin Pete deluxe hoody.

"KRE-AWW! KREEEEE-AAAAAWWWWW"

Jaune looked up and caught sight of a ginormous Grimm raven flying overhead. And dangling from underneath…wait, was that…

"Ruby?"

She seemed to be completely in control of the situation from her safe perch on the Grimm's lower claws, so Jaune decided to leave it be. Besides, they had to be a quarter of a mile in the sky, so there was nothing he could do to help her even if she did need it.

And she's got her aura to help her out. I'd just slow her down.

Jaune decided to keep heading in the direction of the temple on his own. If he hurried, maybe he could catch up to Ruby and get put on the same team as her. Wouldn't that be something – the adventures of Vomit Boy and his sidekick, Crater Face. A devastating duo on the level of X-Ray and Vav, indeed.

Actually, if he wanted to get to the temple at the same time as Ruby, he would need to step up his game. The bird was flying faster than an Atlesian airship with its engines burning raw heroine, and Ruby was flying alongside it in the direction of the temple.

I gotta keep up. But how…look! A shortcut!

The cave was carved into the side of a sandstone cliff, but Jaune knew that it was manmade due to the primitive paintings in red ink on the walls just outside the mouth. It looked like a bunch of little people waving spears against a…scorpion?

Jaune could handle scorpions. After all, the largest scorpion in the world only grew as long as 8 inches. As creepy as arachnids were, scorpions somehow seemed less frightening than spiders. Perhaps it was because of their lower frequency when showing up in humans' homes, but it didn't matter. Whatever reason it was, he simply didn't have any innate phobia of stingers and claws compared to venomous fangs.

Jaune grabbed a stick off the ground and struck Crocea Mors against the side of the cave wall as he entered, hoping to rain down sparks and light up the stick as a torch. None came, so he tried again, to equally disappointing results. Jaune threw away the stick in disgust and shook his scroll twice, lighting up its built-in flashlight. The cave didn't seem to have much beyond stalac…uhhhh…stalactites? Stalacmites?…the ones on the ceiling, so Jaune decided to open up the huntsman app that was on his scroll.

It was supposed to be something of an Atlesian-army-knife of applications, useful for all basic huntsman activities and doubling as a database. Beacon's promotional material had recommended it, claiming that it had several features that every huntsman or huntress needed in their careers both during and after schooling.

Swiping through the menu, Jaune gave most of the features a cursory glance. Reading materials, penal codes, Grimm codex, emergency distress call…aura reader!

Oh, this was going to be good. Jaune gaily tapped on the aura reader function and eagerly awaited the promised reading material on aura. All he really needed was a note on how he could unleash his aura or tap into it, but anything else would be appreciated.

Nearly tripping on a rock, Jaune stumbled forward and took stock of his surroundings. That particular stalac…that particular triangle rock didn't look familiar, so he had to be heading in the right direction. Redirecting his attention to the app, he readied himself for the answers he so desperately needed.

A baseline reading must be taken. Please ensure your aura is at 100%.

Oh. So, as a reader, it wasn't a book to be read, it was a doohickey that would 'read' you.

"Guess I won't be getting any easy answers. Welp, might as well make full use of this thingy, whatever it is."

Jaune's aura wasn't going to get any more unlocked just by standing around, so he tapped the green button. His scroll put up a little loading screen with a cute sword that had a smiley face and jiggled back and forth. Jaune waited a moment and then heard a ding.

Congratulations. Your baseline had been recorded as: 0 kSo.

The screen was then replaced by a little picture of Jaune (the same one that he'd taken as his student photo for Beacon) and a health bar. Jaune's health was in the green and completely full, which was probably a good thing, but he didn't see any mana, so that would have to be fixed before he could cast any aura spells.

"ARGH!"

Jaune cried out as his toe brutally stubbed itself against one of the rocks. He hadn't been paying enough attention to where he'd been going because of the stupid app, and now he was suffering a limp because of it. As it happened, his health bar didn't drop, which meant that the stupid thing must not have even been working.

"Darn it! Darn it all to heck!" Jaune cried out. "Stupid aura, stupid app, stupid stalac-whatever, stupid – exit!"

There it was, the literal light at the end of the tunnel. His anger fading at the illuminating sight, Jaune could see the faint yellow glow of the outside world coming from around the corner. He shut off his flashlight and pocketed his scroll, relying on the light source up ahead to guide his way. It was all leading up to this – he'd jump out heroically, collect one of Ozpin's special relics (probably the best one, if it hadn't already been taken), partner up with Ruby and that hot Weiss girl, and become the leader of his own team. Nothing could stop him!

It turned out that a giant scorpion that was noticeably longer than six inches could stop him.

tl;dr Jaune becomes a living god by dividing by zero

Next Chapter: On A Grimm Horse I Ride

In which Jaune Arc mounts up and rolls out.

Author's Notes

I sold out.

I sold out, and I wrote a self-indulgent Jaune Arc superman plot armor magical girl fantasy fanfic for views and likes.

It's written fully in advance like always, so you don't need to ever fear hiatuses or writer's block. Expect around ~140,000 words in an even 25 chapters (man, I really love even multiples of 25 for the chapter counts. The Empty Seat is 100, K is 50... I'll have to do 75 chapters for my next work to complete the set).

This is a comedy, with some minor romance (bit of a rare pairing, even for Jaune) and plenty of action. Comedy will be the driving force, though.

No women will be chasing after Jaune in this one – it's not a harem fic or a 'we all love/lust for you Jaune' fic. Also, I'm going for longer chapters and trying something new – not using coarse language. I feel like too much of the comedy I do relies on swears, so I wanted to see if I could branch out and do things different here.

I'm restarting my tradition of giving out teasers for the next chapter at the end of each chapter. It didn't pan out for K, but I include them here. Omakes will be few and far between, but every chapters has a comedic tl;dr.

Also, all the titles are based on lyrics from songs. See if you can guess which ones!

To start us off with a bang, I'm going to be posting the first three chapters right away. Expect weekly updates on Tuesdays (and this time I'm not going to budge).

Happy rats, and don't do crime!