Chapter 17- You're The One I Trust

Two Weeks Later

"Jay?! Hey…Jay," Will egged on, shaking and jiggling Jay's very sound asleep and limp shoulder. He watched and kept the calling out to his bother on a steady stream, meanwhile Hailey was quietly tiptoeing through the door with the requested item in tow, raising it a little so Will could see the success of her trip to the great outdoors.

"Jay, come on man. I know you're awake by now," Will grew frustrated with, sighing as he watched the heart monitor tracking more in line with someone who was awake than that of one in a deep sleep. Hailey inched her way closer to the bed, mouthing something about hurrying things along. Will briefly looked her way and nodded, going back to Jay and now basically slapping his shoulder to get him up. When he had this crazy idea a few hours ago, this wasn't supposed to be happening. Jay's role was to be asleep but wake up really quick and be willing to play the events out. Just as was always the case with everything else, Jay never did things according to anyone else's plan.

"Stop fake sleeping. We know what it looks like by now," was Will's final attempt at making his brother budge, both family members sitting on their respective sides of the bed and holding their breath as they waited for what was going to come next. Jay was very much awake and hearing them, but for some reason was refusing to wake up and talk to them. This was not the first time he went light or easy on things. The roles had become very much reversed over the last few days. Will and Hailey wanted him to do things and be more active, Jay meanwhile was extra careful and truly making sure he was going to be okay and rested up for whatever was next. It was a very odd sight to witness, but then again when you get discharge plans cancelled twice now, it was easy to understand why he was so apprehensive to do anything out of bed. He was this close to being sprung free, he was not going to dare messing things up right about now.

"What," Jay finally groaned in defeat, opening his eyes slowly before rubbing them all the way awake. His vision was still blurry, looking out to the mostly dark room and completely dark world outside his window. It felt super late, his very stiff and relaxed muscles and body alerting him that he was once very sound asleep and had been for a good chunk of time evidence of that. The aches and numbness of being awoken out of a deep slumber was very prevalent in his system as he continued to look around the room, trying to grasp why he was being so rudely awakened at whatever hour it was. There was no nurse or Bradford in the room, instead the two people that usually willed for people to leave him alone while he rested were beaming back at him. Again, nothing was adding up, but something made him intrigued to learn the truth. And that something was a heavy winter jacket in Hailey's hands. A jacket that he hadn't seen in months, let alone thought about this whole time. Yet seeing it in her hands now and viewing how excited she was to have it, made Jay all the more curious over what could possibly be coming next.

"Do you want to go to the roof," Will excitedly spoke up, looking to Hailey who was overcome with giddiness and way too happy for being in the middle of the night. Jay was trying to figure out how he was the calm, rational one in all of this. He just looked at Will completely baffled by the ridiculous question.

"What? The roof? What time is it," he extra quietly spoke, sitting up in bed and looking around for a phone or some kind of clock. Surely this was some messed up dream his jumbled mind was putting him through.

"It started snowing," Hailey finally let out, getting up off her spot on the bed and darting to the window, making sure what she was saying was still correct. She nodded in confirmation as the thick and heavy snowflakes fell past the exterior lights of the hospital. She still had Jay's jacket clutched in her hand, his gaze trying to remember when the last time was that he even put it on.

"You guys woke me up for snow? I'm going back to bed," Jay said as he rested against the pillows, digging himself further into the bed and pulling the blankets up closer to his chest.

"Come on, man. You always like watching the first snow."

"Yeah well, in times past I wasn't trying to get out of the hospital the next day."

"You'll still get out of here tomorrow. That's not going to change anything," Will protested, Hailey's deep dejection of Jay immediately shutting things down coming out in the jacket slapping against her leg. She did not drive all the way to the apartment and then race back here for absolutely nothing. They were going to see the first snowfall of the season on the roof with or without him.

"Will, I have that horrid MRI tomorrow and then it was a maybe that I'll get out. I'm not risking that by seeing snow. Snow that will be there when I get out tomorrow and then see a lot of when I get home."

"Since when were you such a worrier," Hailey joked.

"I've already answered that," Jay spoke through closed eyes, really trying to make it clear that he wanted nothing to do with this plan, doing his very best to get back to sleep so they'd leave him alone. He was not going outside and standing on the edge of a hospital rooftop. That much was known.

"Jay," she just about whined.

"Please? It'll be fun. Kind of like old times." Jay just snickered, rolling his eyes through the closed lids and now trying to roll over and away from the two of them.

"Like…remember a few years ago? We were also sound asleep and it was also 2:30 in the morning.."

"-It's 2:30?! In the morning," Jay interrupted?! He opened his eyes for that one, watching his brother and wife excitedly nod before she continued on. Again, who was the messed up one in this whole scenario?

"Remember how your phone woke you up because you forgot to put it on silent. You woke me up and insisted that we go stand outside and watch the snowfall. You were so excited you didn't even put boots on, just grabbed your jacket off the hook and ran out the door."

"Please tell me it was more than just a jacket," Will jokingly cut in with.

"Oh God, I had clothing on…and socks," Jay sighed, rolling back to make sure things were told correctly. He totally knew what she was trying to do with this little story and he was not about to fold quickly and so willingly.

"Yeah, it was just the boots that were missing. But as we stood out there in the middle of the sidewalk and stared up only to get beamed in the eyes with snowflakes, you talked about how much you love watching snow come down for the first time during the season. You eventually grow to loathe it and hate how long it stays and how bitter cold it makes everything, but there is something special and fun about seeing it come back. Every year, no matter what happened before then or what was to come, snow always falls and its always too cool to miss."

"I did not say that last part."

"But it sounds like something you would say, right," she teased.

"No," he sighed, now sitting up in bed and watching as they all waited for him to protest once more.

"Please? It'll be a fun last night adventure and also…we might've already asked Bradford and he said it was fine. So you have to obey doctor's orders."

"We weren't going to tell him that," Will joked as he slapped Hailey's arm, who shrugged before looking over at Will.

"Hey, all cards on the table. It was this or we drag him up there. Now, come one. Can you try and not be the party pooper in all of this? It'll be fun."

"And we're not staying up there forever. Just a few minutes," Will encouraged, now the two family members watching Jay mull things over. There was silence for over a minute, two minutes later he was groaning through closed eyes before very slowly, and we'll say kind of reluctantly, Jay began pulling blankets off of himself and working his way to the edge of the bed.

"Ten minutes. That's it," he caved with. Hailey clapped a little bit in victory as Will raced to the side of the bed to help Jay get up. He was still very much dizzy whenever he got out of bed and still needed someone close to him as he walked around, but it was getting better and the strength was very slowly coming back. Will and Hailey hurried up the dressing process, adding another layer of socks to his already socked feet, helping him sit on the couch before they put sneakers on one at a time. The jacket went over his already being worn loose hoodie, Hailey helping to zip up the jacket before fumbling around his jacket pockets for a beanie that she knew was always there. She smirked a little when she found it, gingerly putting it over his head. The once completely shaved head now had a few rough spots and very faint stubs of new growth. He basically looked about the same as the day he checked into this hospital, but if you looked long enough and felt things you'd feel that things were very slowly starting to come back. Jay would be caught several times daydreaming, one of his hands almost hovering over the back of his head as he felt and almost willed things to come back. He still hadn't fully seen himself at this stage, but the feeling of things alone told him enough. He wasn't thrilled with it, but understood it was his cost of living. As everyone kept saying, it would come back one day before too long. But at least for tonight, the beanie was covering all the damage and lack of hair. No one was ever going to guess or notice that he looked different, it was a great masking of things and played a great role in tricking everyone into thinking all was well. It was nice to take a step back into looks of old, even if it was for a few moments.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road."

"To the roof," she exclaimed, almost springing to her feet before extending an arm to help Jay balance on. He was to the point of being able to get up and sit down without help, but just in case someone always had to be close by in the event it was too much and he buckled. Jay nodded in thanks as he gripped her arm, waiting for Will and Hailey to be by his side before they all made it to the door.

"It better be snowing up there and this isn't just you guys trying to make some scene in the middle of the night."

"What happened to all your sense of adventure and fun," Hailey joked as they made it to the hallway and started heading in the direction of the elevator. Not a soul was awake or moving on that floor, very much creating the sense that they were sneaking out and misbehaving.

"Surgery must have yanked that one out of there as well," Jay went with. He knew they hated that line, but it was there and he had to take it.

"Oh God," Hailey groaned as Will jogged ahead and got the elevator button. Hailey now fully wrapping her arm around Jay to both joke with him and make sure he didn't fall.

"You're gunna thank us later for doing this. It's a great view up there and in the snow?! Perfect," Will whispered as the elevator arrived and the three of them got on, Will hitting the very top level before the doors closed in front of them.

"It better be," Jay urged, the three of them watching in nervous and excited silence as the car climbed higher and higher, Will and Hailey wanting it to get up there faster. Jay meanwhile was fighting the exhaustion still and desire to just sit. He prayed the walk wasn't too far after this and that there was somewhere to sit up there. But, deep down, he had to admit this was a semi-fun thing to be doing right about now. When he finally got past the fear that he was setting himself further back from leaving the following day, it dawned on him that he was just about to be breathing fresh air for the first time in forever. Not to mention, he was going to be feeling and experiencing Chicago once more. Just when he thought they'd said goodbye forever, the redemption storyline was coming into focus. But he was not ready for what was on the other side of the door that was at the end of a very long hallways just off the opening elevator doors. He thought he'd pictured this moment and these feelings perfectly for so long. But nothing was ever as good as you hoped and dreamed it to be. It was better, it was so much better than he ever could've asked for. It was stunning, freezing, absolutely breath taking. It took everything to not start sobbing as Chicago, completely unlimited and expanding all around him, crept into every single one of his senses. He was never going to get over this, and partly hated himself for escaping for as long as he did.

"Holy…shit."

…

"You okay," Will asked? He was halfway to the ledge when Hailey called him back, Will turning to see Jay doubled over, head lowered as his hands hit his knees and he kept mumbling to himself. Jay was breathing fine, wasn't falling over and seemed overall present with consciousness. This wasn't the first time in recent days Jay had sensory overload. Just the other day he was walking and a code blue sounded up and down the hallway speakers and he nearly passed out, most certainly fell into a panic attack that did require some medical intervention before he calmed down. Then there was the time he was in the shower, Will was still required to be in the bathroom just in case anything happened, which wound up being a very good thing. Hailey was folding clothes when Will called out for help, Hailey racing in the bathroom to find Will soaked under the flowing shower head as he did everything to keep a very limp and slippery Jay from hitting his head on the floor. By the time Hailey shut the water off Jay was coming around, but had no clue he'd totally passed out. He alerted everyone at that point that his arms and legs were numb and he felt hot and sharp pain all of the sudden. It was a rather embarrassing and humbling situation, and most definitely kept Jay bed ridden for the rest of the day. Despite Jay's best efforts and great signs of healing and improvement, his brain was going to need time; it was a full blown, rather lengthy process. He was getting better at adapting to life and understand what things were now limited and what he could figure out and manage, but even still it was going to take time before he was cleared to do anything outside of constant care and surveillance. Jay still hated the idea of being monitored and his every step recorded and put in some kind of file, but if it was happening outside of this place than he was more at ease with it; very marginally onboard with it all.

"Jay, you with us," Will asked, gently placing a hand on Jay's back as the two of them waited for Jay to answer. He just kept shaking his head, saying something about holding on, but wasn't making a ton of sense.

"Did we go too far," Hailey asked a minute or so later? Will just shrugged.

"I'm fine," Jay finally puffed out of his mouth, still not moving from his position but finally communicating loud enough and coherent enough for them to understand. It was very panted and tiring words, but he was finding how to communicate once more.

"Hey, how bout we lift the head up so blood isn't rushing to one spot?"

"Seriously," Jay jokingly asked?

"Dead serious, bro," Will spoke, patting Jay's back and alerting him once more to lift his head up. They weren't going to move him, but he wanted to see his face and make sure he was okay before they did anything else.

"Oh my God, are you crying," Will teased when he finally met his brother's eyes, swearing he saw a reflection of tears on the right side of his face just before Jay sniffed and wiped things away.

"What?! No. It's just the lingering migraine and the cold weather," Jay lied with, refusing to look at Hailey or Will and just locked in on the city. It was absolutely gorgeous and for the first time ever, Jay was completely overwhelmed by what was happening around him and was not shutting down. Perhaps this was a good sign of things to come. As he'd been preaching all this time, he just needed to get out of the hospital. He wasn't asking for clearance to go back to any kind of work or even to get back to some form of working out. He just wanted to be home, he wanted his own belongings around him once more. A very simple ask, but after everything he'd been through it felt like a luxury request.

"Well, what do you think," Hailey asked when Jay finally stood back upright, nodding and taking in the twinkling lights of Chicago in the middle of the night, the stillness yet simultaneous chaos happening all around that came with snowfall. As it descended it was dead still, yet once it hit anything on the ground was when the droplets created little pops and crackles as the city braced for another round with the frozen substance. Once more, the cars and people that were awake and out at this hour were crying out their hatred and annoyance for the change in weather; their once normal and cold night now had a slip risk factor thrown into it all. It all felt so right to Jay, like he was exactly where he needed to be at this exact moment and spot in life. He was not going to come right out and say it, but for the first time in months he felt right and whole once more. It sucked that it took all of this to get to this moment. But none of it mattered. Just as the snowfall brought forth the beauty and fresh start to a new season, the past and all its ill-intents and bad outcomes were vanishing under the blanket of wonderment in front of him. He didn't know what was coming next or what most of his life would like look in the coming weeks and months, but he knew he was staying here and being surrounded by people that truly cared for him. The other details would fall into place in time. It was such a big milestone to cross and mental acceptance of everything, but against this backdrop it felt like the best moment to just shrug things off and keep plowing forward.

"I think its freezing and I want to sit," Jay finally spoke up, completely mesmerized by the city in front of him. Hailey smirked, looking to Will for where they were to go next.

"Or you could just say you love this idea of ours," Hailey joked.

"Oh, I'm not letting you guys win that easy," Jay shot right back, allowing Hailey to loudly groan before slapping Jay's shoulder and gently pushing him to stay behind Will, who was guiding things along. They inched closer to the edge, making sure slippery spots were okay and cleared by Jay before moving around a turn and finding where they needed to go.

"TA-DA," Will revealed when they made it to the glass ledge, not too far off from where they started. It wasn't more than a hundred feet from the back door, but it was a near panoramic shot of the whole city with the deep, dark plunge of darkness that was Lake Michigan in the middle of the night.

"Ah, chairs," Jay spoke up as he noted the three folding lawn chairs that were parked three wide, facing the direction of the city.

"But this totally wasn't planned," he teased.

"I mean, it was last minute but sure. It's a bit of both."

"Whatever," Jay concluded, making his way to the chair in the middle, desperately wanting to just sit for a bit to both regather his strength and just take in the world in front of him. The snow was seriously coming down, not quite blizzard status, but enough that everything was being coated in a thin layer of the white substance in no time at all. So much so that Will had to brush the seats off before anyone was allowed to sit.

"You got it," Will and Hailey asked as Jay began the now daunting task of sitting down all by himself. He was getting a lot better, but as was the case with everything else he needed some guidance and observation.

"Yeah, I'm okay." It was the last thing spoken for a few minutes, all three fully observing the beautiful and serene life in front of them. They could not have thought of a more perfect way to cap this leg of the recovery off, two of the three visitors to the roof fully aware that close to a month ago, Jay's journey began on the very helipad just behind them. It took them back to that incredibly fateful night, how there was absolute chaos and uncertainty and real fear in all of them to very serious degrees. No one expected to be where they were right now, and most definitely didn't really plan on having Jay in the middle of them sitting there and being aware of what was going on. It was so fitting that what began as chaos and fear was now a simple and beautiful phenomena: sitting and being still and watching snowfall. Such a childish thing to do and just something most people don't view as a huge milestone. But Will looked behind Jay to Hailey, who gave him quick glances and smirks of approval for this whole crazy idea of his. They were a threesome leaving this place tomorrow. Somehow, someway, they were fucking doing it. The odds were never in their favor, but regardless they were accomplishing the impossible.

"Can't we just scale the wall and go home now," Jay interrupted the little silence moment, Hailey snorted before she let out a serious laugh. Will meanwhile was stunned speechless. So much for the extra cautious one who didn't even want to walk for fear of breaking something. Now he wanted to exit the building in the most ridiculous manner.

"Or we can go back inside, take the elevator down to the main floor and leave," Hailey spoke once her laughter had died down a little.

"Only you would find the most insane way to do things," Will sighed, sinking lower into his seat and pulling his jacket closer to his body and making sure it was zipped all the way up.

"Wait can we get out of here tonight?"

"No," the other two said at the same time.

"You have your MRI tomorrow and you can't leave till we get that clearance that everything is fine."

"Yeah but they've been fine. We can go home tonight and then come back in the morning."

"Jay, the scan is in five hours. Come on, you've come this far. You'll somehow make it." Jay threw his head back in annoyance, looking straight up at the snow hitting his eyes before going back to the world in front of him. He hated to leave this place, this outside world even if it was for only a few hours more. But if it meant he'd get out of this place for good, he was willing to sacrifice a little longer.

"Thanks guys. Thanks for this…and everything," Jay finally caved with, looking to his left and right and nodding quick in reassurance that he meant what he was saying.

"You alright? How's the head feeling," Will teased, so shocked that his brother was so thankful and acknowledging that so easily.

"Oh God, I cannot wait for the day everyone isn't asking about my stupid head every five minutes." Hailey laughed while Will chuckled into his jacket.

"You're welcome, Jay. But seriously, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," he trailed off with, hoping that if he said it enough times that it would start to click with all of them. He was okay. Yes, despite the setbacks and issues that were still floating around and truly yet to be revealed to them, Jay Halstead was okay. It was all they could ask for right then.

"I've…got to take…this…text," Will stammered several minutes later, Jay furrowing his brow in curiosity and oddness. It was most likely close to 3am now and they'd all been sitting quietly and enjoying the view. Will's very random statement made no sense.

"What? Will, it's the middle of the night." Will nodded, sighing as he got up to do anything but stay in that seat.

"It's fine, it's just Bradford asking where we are." Will was awful at lying and even Jay's mushed up, healing brain knew he was lying now. But best to not get into an argument now. They were already having a great time and Jay didn't want to spoil things right then.

"Okay, sure," he went along with, the two brothers locking looks as Will stretched himself and headed for the exit.

"Hailey, I'll be back in a second. Watch him?"

"Yeah, sure," she spoke up, both of them exchanging a quick look and nod before Will practically ran for the door. Jay was now on high alert. Something was going on. He was about to ask Hailey what was going on, turning around to see her giving him that look, that vibe, that very deep connection and sense they shared so many times for so long now. He sighed, getting one last quick glance at the world in front of them before truly turning to face her. It had arrived, whether the two of them wanted it to or not.

"I've been holding on to something," she began with, reaching deep into her left jacket pocket, fumbling her fingers around a couple seconds to help pent up the excitement and anticipation. She watched as Jay's face went completely blank, the two of them knowing what was coming up with her hand.

"Do you want this back now…or do you want me to hold onto it?" Hailey flashed the ring into focus, keeping it in her hand and pulling it close to her legs. Jay just sighed, looking down at his lap for a moment to gather his thoughts and prep himself for what was coming next.

"Where did you find that?"

"In your truck," she cautiously but sternly relayed. She was not trying to berate him. This was not the time and certainly not how she wanted him to feel. They both made mistakes, they both are the reason their marriage was what it was right then. So there needed to be a meeting in the middle, a coming together and being very honest with each other. It was the only way they better understood where life went from here. But still, it was incredibly hard to not be pissed at him for doing what he did and she was trying her very best here.

"Ah," was all Jay could come up with, Hailey still clutching the ring in her hand, slowly moved it close to him, enough that if he desired he could grab it from her. She watched Jay glance over at it, seemed to be studying it and trying to come up with another answer, but never once did he make an effort to take it back. She prayed this wasn't his final answer.

"Jay, I'm not trying to hurt you and this is not me ambushing you."

"Well, it kind of feels like it. The text Will got? Was that you?" That one took her back a second. Man, the Spidey senses were ever present in him. She was thoroughly impressed to say the least.

"Yeah, I wanted to get this done and over with. Because, let's face it, there isn't a better time for this. It's the middle of the night, we're outside very much alone, and you're getting ready to go home tomorrow. Which speaking of, do you want to go home? Our home?"

"Yes," Jay immediately fired back, almost ticked off that she'd even suggest he'd be that harsh in ending things so suddenly after all they'd been through. But then again, he couldn't forget the fact that he kind of put them all in this scenario in the first place. If he hadn't left Chicago to begin with, life could've easily looked so different from right now.

"Hailey, I want more than anything to go home. And I'm not saying that because I'm going to need help."

"Well that's comforting to know." Jay sighed, glancing over at the ring and shaking his head a couple times before finally spitting things out.

"You have to understand that life before all of this is really fuzzy right now."

"Jay, I know," she began to speak, but it was his extra serious glare that told her to stop and let him finish.

"So I cannot give you an exact answer on why I left the ring here. But, probably the same reason I'm not taking that ring out of your hand right now is likely the reason I left it here to begin with. I need space, I need to figure out what is real and honest and me wearing that right now does not feel right. And I'm sorry that is not the answer you are looking for, but that is where I'm at. Hailey, I care a lot about you and I know we built a life together. But, I need to figure myself out. Which I know is complete crap and makes no sense coming from me. But I don't want to tell you one thing when it may or may not be true and then down the road we are looking at a legit, full separation."

"So you don't want a divorce?" Jay looked out at the skyline for a minute, his hesitation taking way too long for her liking. Eventually he just shrugged, looking incredibly dejected as he spoke.

"I think…before all of this happened…I can see where that might've been the case."

"Okay," she slowly but sharply inhaled. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point. Like ripping off a bandaid, he just needed to get it over with.

"Again, I'm not saying this because of everything going on right now and really needing help. But I think this whole nightmare accident thing has made me rethink things, which I know is a big deal right about now." She gave him a smirk, a small reward for his efforts to soften the blow.

"I cannot give you an exact end date on when this all gets better and we're fine again. I cannot tell you that on the other end of this everything is fine and normal. Because, Hailey, we both screwed things up. We both got lost, I know I did and I just felt like I was drowning in a life that did not match me anymore. So I did what I did to save myself before it got really bad. Which, being where we are now I don't know if I've improved anything."

"I'll agree with that one," she chuckled.

"But if it did improve anything, it made me think that perhaps this marriage, and us, is something to figure out and make it fit me…and us…without ruining us at our core."

"Okay, well I'm glad to hear you're at least willing to try? Is that what I'm understanding?" Jay very confidently nodded, stifling a yawn before he spoke up. She knew time was running out with him. They'd kept him out in the cold and way off his sleep schedule for probably way too long. He was going to be fading fast and she needed to wrap things up.

"Well, going back to my original question, what do you want me to do with your ring?" Jay thought some more, long blinking and seeming to be nodding off, jolting himself eventually awake with an answer and a yawn simultaneously.

"If its okay with you, I'd like for you to keep it and we will pick this up at a later time, when I'm not drowning in medication and here and dead tired."

"I would love nothing more than to keep it safe for you. Thank you for telling me all of that. And I'm sorry that you felt so lost." Jay nodded once more, words really truly becoming harder and harder to find.

"Do you want me to take my ring off? I don't mind."

"No," Jay was very quick to respond, for the first time ever actually reaching out for her and touching her leg. Her heart almost skipped a beat and she was immediately flustered by his willingness to make contact with her. God, she was never not going to be madly in love with him.

"You need to be honest to you. If you still feel married to me and want to wear it, than do that. I'm not trying to make you do anything with all of this." Will and his most horrible timing rang true for the billionth time, his head and waving arm interrupting her response to Jay. She sighed, patted Jay's hand that was still on her leg, a gesture of thanks and appreciation for the time they were just allowed. Further talks were tabled for awhile, which was probably the best plan. This was not going to be a one and done ordeal, but rather many conversation and months of working things out before anything was solidified.

"Sorry, we really need to get back now. He's going to fall asleep."

"That he is," Jay joked as Will and Hailey helped him stand, this time they did hold on to him. He was barely above falling asleep, his fall risk was at its peak stages now. Despite the building exhaustion and desire for warmth in his system once more, Jay did a final turnaround to look at the stunning scene behind him. He hated to leave it all behind, was forever grateful for this moment and this night. It would be a memory he held onto and very much remembered. There was going to be a lot of forgetfulness and remembrance during this next leg of recovery. But this time, this talk, and this view were never going to leave him. He was swept inside moments after his look around, only going so willingly because he knew would return soon.

"Thank you guys, for everything. Seriously," he expelled out of his incredibly depleted self as the elevator fell to the right floor. Hailey squeezed his arm tighter, nodding her response.

"Any time, bro. Thanks for not dying on us."