Jack's throat felt dry as he struggled to find the words to start the conversation. He shifted uncomfortably on the couch, his gaze still locked on the floor. His mind was a whirlwind of fear and doubt, racing through the memories he was about to unearth.
To be true, he was afraid of Sam's reaction. Afraid of how she would see him after hearing about the horrific things he had done and endured in service to his country. He had faced torture in the Middle East, suffered unimaginable torment at the hands of Ba'al, and witnessed the darkest side of humanity during his time in the military.
And then there were the nightmares. The relentless, haunting nightmares that had driven a wedge between them. The terror that gripped him every night, the sweat-soaked sheets, and the images that wouldn't fade with the dawn. He had agreed that it was time to tell Sam about all of it.
But as he glanced at her, his nerves got the best of him. Sam was still there, holding his cold and damp hand, her eyes filled with concern and love. It was that love that finally gave him the strength to speak.
"Sam," he began, his voice trembling slightly, "I've been keeping these nightmares, these demons, locked inside for too long. I... I don't want to hide them from you anymore. I want you to know everything, even if it scares you. You're the only one I can trust with this, the only one who can help me through it."
Jack finally looked into Sam's eyes, his own filled with vulnerability and fear. The weight of his confession hung heavy in the air, and he could only hope that Sam would understand, that their love would see them through this dark chapter together.
"I'm here Jack. Like I told you in bed I'm not going anywhere. Tell me, honey, about your demons", she asked softly.
Jack took a deep breath, his fingers still entwined with Sam's, anchoring him to the reality of the present moment. He had decided to finally open up about the horrors that had haunted him for so long, and there was no turning back now.
As he began to speak, his voice was steady but heavy with the weight of the memories he was about to share. He started with the time he had spent in an Iraqi prison, recounting the horrors of captivity, the brutality he had witnessed, and the things he had been forced to do to survive. The pain and suffering were etched into his words, and it was clear that these memories had left deep scars on his soul.
He didn't spare any details as he described his time as a black ops operative, the morally ambiguous missions, and the way the military had taken advantage of his killer instinct. Sam had known this part of his past, but hearing it in his own words made it all the more real.
Then came the part he had never shared with anyone, not even Sam. The torture he had endured at the hands of Ba'al. He spoke about the relentless physical and psychological torment, the feeling of hopelessness, and the fear that had gnawed at him every waking moment. As when he asked Daniel to die and was ignored, leaving him feeling even more abandoned and alone in that damn cell. He described the pain and degradation he had suffered, and it was clear that these memories were the most painful of all.
As Jack spoke, Sam listened in stunned silence. She had known that her husband had a troubled past, that he had seen and done things in the line of duty that haunted him. But the extent of his suffering, the depth of his pain, was something she had never fully comprehended. It was heartbreaking to hear him lay bare the darkness that had tormented him for so long.
Throughout his confession, Sam remained by his side, her grip on his hand never wavering. She didn't interrupt or judge; she simply listened, offering her presence and her unwavering support. Jack's voice trembled at times, and tears welled up in his eyes as he relived these painful memories, but he knew that he was finally sharing the burden he had carried alone for far too long.
As he finished his confession, there was a profound sense of relief mixed with vulnerability. Jack had bared his soul to the woman he loved more than life itself, and now it was up to Sam to help him heal, to offer him the love and understanding he so desperately needed. They faced a long road ahead, but for the first time in years, Jack felt like the weight of his past had lightened, and there was hope on the horizon.
As Jack's painful confession hung heavy in the air, Sam's initial shock and stunned silence gradually gave way to a profound sense of empathy and determination. She understood that Jack needed more than just comfort and soothing words; he needed someone who could truly relate to the depths of his suffering, someone who had faced their demons and emerged stronger.
The realization struck her like a bolt of lightning. Sam had her haunting demons, her own dark experiences that had scarred her in ways she had never fully shared with Jack. She didn't have nightmares like Jack anymore but the scars were there. The one prominent and painful memory that had always stood between them was her time as a host to Jolinar of Malkshur, the Tok'ra symbiote.
Jolinar's invasion of her body and mind had been a traumatic and harrowing experience, one that had left Sam with emotional wounds that ran deep. It had been a living hell for her, and she had rarely discussed the full extent of her torment with anyone, even Jack.
But now, in this moment of vulnerability and shared pain, Sam made a decision. She decided to offer Jack something far more profound than comfort – she would share her demons, her own experiences as Jolinar's unwilling host. She would lay her scars bare, not to overshadow Jack's pain but to show him that he wasn't alone in the darkness.
With determination and a deep breath, Sam looked into Jack's eyes, her own filled with a mix of understanding and resolve. She knew this wouldn't take away Jack's pain, but perhaps it would help him feel less isolated in his suffering.
"Jack," she began softly, "there's something I need to share with you too. Something I've carried with me for a long time, something that's haunted me. I've never fully talked about it, not even with you. But I want you to know that you're not alone in facing your demons. We're in this together, and I'm willing to share my own painful experiences, especially the time when I was a host to Jolinar. I want you to know everything, to understand that you're not the only one who has faced darkness."
Sam's decision was a profound gesture of love and solidarity, a way of telling Jack that they were a team, bound not just by their love but by their shared pain and the strength to overcome it together.
"You never wanted to talk about Jolinar", Jack said slowly.
"I never wanted to talk about Jolinar with you", Sam corrected slowly.
Jack looked at his wife confused.
"Me? Does it mean that you talked about her with others?", he asked.
Sam swallowed. Fragments of Jolinar's memories would always live on, buried inside of her but she had learned to deal with them. With time and some help.
"Yes, I did. If you remember you weren't particularly thrilled when I was taken host. And even when I started talking about the Tok'ra you were quite skeptical. Then, there was Martouf, of course. So, no Jack you weren't exactly my first choice of talking about Jolinar and how to deal with her and her memories", she admitted.
Jack started to feel uncomfortable. He always had been when the subject was the damn Tok'ra Martouf. Even if he had been dead for years, shot by Sam herself.
"So you went to him?", he asked coldly.
"He answered a lot of questions in the beginning. Helped me understand what were my feelings and hers. I was a mess back then, Jack. And neither of you was exactly helping. You just expect me to be my old self and act as if nothing happened. Like that was even possible", she said with a bitter tone.
"We were there for you, Sam. Except that, you suddenly seemed much more interested in spending time with that fucking Martouf than with us. Like the Tok'ra were suddenly the most important thing in the galaxy!", he said getting up.
"They saved my father, Jack", Sam reminded him.
"I know they did", Jack said, starting to pace in the living room.
"Do you even want me to continue or I just end the conversation here?", she asked slowly.
Jack stopped pacing and looked at his wife. She had put her knees next to her chest in a defensive position.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm an idiot. You are trying to be supportive and I'm having a jealous attack. God! I'm so stupid!", he growled.
"I know you never liked Martouf but there was never anything between us, Jack. He loved Jolinar and he might have been attracted to me but I never felt anything for him except gratitude for his help", Sam said honestly.
Jack calmed down and sat on the couch again.
"Please continue", he asked.
"He helped a little regarding Jolinar's emotions and Janet helped a little…regarding mine", Sam said, her eyes getting moist.
Jack swallowed. Even today it is difficult to talk about Janet Frasier, the petite doctor who had such an impact in all of their lives and had been a true friend, especially with Sam.
"How did Janet help you?", he asked picking her hand and gently caressing it.
"Ice cream and wine", Sam said with a dry chuckle.
"Not her usual prescription. At least for me", Jack said with a smile.
Sam shook her head slowly.
"No…she realized that I was going under, sinking and she threw me a lifeline, so to speak", Sam said.
Jack stopped his caress.
"I never noticed that, Sam. You never said anything", he said his eyes darkening with concern.
Sam made a half smile.
"You aren't the only one good at keeping your emotions hidden, General. I had years of practice after my mother died. You perfected your skills in the military, I perfected them with my father. Same result", she said bitterly.
Jack swallowed hard. He liked Jacob Carter but the man had been a real asshole in terms of parenthood. Until he had taken a symbiote. Oh, the irony!
"Okay, point taken, Colonel. So Janet noticed when we the guys failed. More kudos to my already favorite doctor in the whole world. Wherever she is", Jack said.
"You don't have to blame yourself for not noticing, Jack. I didn't want you to notice. I just wanted to figure things out in my head and control my emotions again. And you weren't exactly a safe person to go to ask for help. Especially in the state I was, trust me", she said.
"Oh...?", Jack asked raising an eyebrow.
"I was already in love with you, idiot!", Sam said, punching him in the shoulder.
Jack smiled.
"You were?", he asked.
"Of course I was. Why do you think it was so difficult for me?", she asked, closing her eyes.
Jack opened his eyes more than usual as he started to understand.
"Oh….Ohhhh", he said again. His smile widened. "So Captain Carter that soon, really?", he asked.
"Yes, asshole", she admitted, her eyes still closed.
"That's General asshole to you", he said still smiling.
Sam opened her eyes and saw him smile. Well at least that.
"Yes, sir", she said with a smile.
Jack groaned.
"Don't do that", he warned.
"We are getting off-topic", Sam reminded him.
"Tell me about Janet", Jack said, putting a hand on her thigh and starting to caress it.
"She would come to my house on the weekends when Cassie was away in some friend's sleepover with my favorite ice cream and a bottle of wine…well sometimes it was more than one. And we would stay awake through the night talking and drinking. About Martouf, Jolinar, and you, actually."
Jack stopped the caress.
"Excuse me? You talked about me?", he asked surprised.
"Yes, Jack. We talked about you. Janet wasn't blind. She knew I cared about you. And she never said a word to anyone about that. God, I really miss her", Sam said closing her eyes and letting the tears fall.
Jack held her while she cried.
"I know you do. I miss her too. Despite her big honking needles and all", he said.
Wiping her tears, Sam sniffled in his shoulder.
"Anyway, talking with her helped me sort some things. What was mine and what was Jolinar. It allowed me to continue to function, to go on with the missions, to be with you, and not break apart. Well, all that mess we were for those years we both were at SG-1", she said.
Jack caressed her hair slowly.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that almost by yourself, Sam", he said.
She moved slightly and spoke softly but with conviction, her eyes locked onto Jack's, as if trying to convey the depth of her feelings through her gaze.
"Jack, that's the whole point of this conversation," she began. "We don't have to carry our burdens alone anymore. We're together, in every sense of the word. Finally, we can talk openly about whatever is bothering us, and we won't keep things from each other. That's what I want, Jack. I trust you, and I want you to trust me too, with all the good and the bad. I don't need protection from whatever you think I should be shielded from. I can handle things, and if I can't, I promise I'll let you know."
Her voice quivered with sincerity as she continued, "And there's something else, Jack. I knew about those classified files, about your missions, and the horrors you endured in the Middle East when we were at SG-1. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I thought that if you ever wanted me to know, you'd tell me. But from now on, you have to talk to me, and I'll talk to you as well. It's a promise I'm making to you right now. No more secrets, Jack. It's all out in the open. Now, you know everything about me."
Sam's words hung in the air, a testament to the depth of her love and commitment to their relationship.
Jack's eyes studied her, taking notice of every line of her beautiful face.
"You've got yourself a deal, Mrs. Carter-O'Neill", he said seriously.
As Sam shared her painful experiences as Jolinar's unwilling host and she and Jack engaged in a deeply honest and vulnerable conversation about their respective demons, a profound sense of relief washed over both of them. The weight of their unspoken burdens had been lifted, replaced by a newfound sense of connection and understanding.
In that intimate moment, their marriage was fortified, strengthened by the knowledge that they could trust each other completely with their most painful memories and fears. They had made a promise, a solemn vow, to no longer shield the other from their innermost struggles but instead face them together, head-on.
The realization that they were not alone in their suffering and that they could rely on each other for support brought a sense of peace and solace that they hadn't felt in a long time. They knew that the road ahead might still be challenging and that nightmares might not disappear overnight, but they were now equipped with the strength of their love and the power of their shared experiences to confront those demons.
Their marriage had transformed into something even more profound and unbreakable. They had created a safe space where vulnerability was met with compassion, where pain was shared rather than hidden, and where they could stand side by side to face whatever challenges lay ahead.
With the promise to fight their nightmares together, Sam and Jack found a renewed sense of hope and purpose. They held each other tightly, knowing that their love was now a powerful force that could conquer even the darkest of shadows. In this newfound strength and unity, they looked forward to a future where their marriage would not just survive but thrive, and where their shared experiences would bind them ever closer together. Even when the nightmares would come.