Chapter Notes
HELLAUR EVERYONE I'M BACK! I'm so so so so sorry for this update that is long overdue :')
In my defence, this update took longer because I actually spent like a month editing all of my published chapters! So hopefully when you want to reread them, they will have much better writing + grammar. They are still far from perfect but I'm quite satisfied with it. Other than that, I also spent two months rewriting the plot for future chapters because I realised my future chapters were suck ass.
Anywayyyyyyyy, I'm now back on track and ready to continue with this fic.
For you guys who somehow still read this fic, I just want to say, thank you! You guys rock! I love you all!
Happy reading!
CHAPTER 17: YESTERDAY
Hange grazed her leather boots across a grey stony path that reflected the blinding light of the August sun. There were low evergreen shrubs on each side of the path, creating a border between it and the spacious lawn of a two-story country house.
Hange found her throat clenched tightly the moment she came even closer to the house. Something had changed since the last time she visited. She noticed the once-warm brick walls were now soiled with a few damp spots and moss.
She also saw ivy that grew from one bottom corner of the walls and up toward the roof; creating an image of the ivy that was hungrily engulfing half of the building with its grip.
If it wasn't for the well-mowed lawn and the smoke coming from the chimney, people would certainly think that no one lives there.
It was never like that before. Nedlay is arguably one of the coldest areas in the country—even during summer—and yet, as far as she could remember, the house had always been lively. However, ever since her grandfather died, most of her relatives decided to live somewhere else, away from the lush greenery of Nedlay's hills, and toward somewhere warmer and more contemporary.
As the new head of the family, Uncle Alfred tried his best to take care of the house, to maintain the dignity that it was once known about. Alas, with limited money in the inheritance and with no lady to be in charge of the household, Uncle Al who was busy with his job as a doctor, could only do so much for the house.
For years Uncle Al lived alone in the house—that is if you didn't count the servants—so he welcomed all his relatives to the house with open arms. The most regular visitor was obviously the little family of his only sister, the Zoë.
Other than them, there was also Uncle Brigham, the younger brother of Uncle Al who would often visit with his family. The visit itself was also done as a form of duty since he is the one who will inherit the Ellery House.
Even so, there was actually a time when the house regained its former glory, and that was when Hange and her mother started living there after they sold their house in Stohess not too long after the death of her father. Her mother was very efficient and knowledgeable in the art of managing the household, and so under her hands, the house was finally being properly taken care of.
However, after one year, her mother's condition started to get worse. She could no longer stand up or walk for too long. She began to spend more time on the bed and less on household management.
Uncle Al, knowing that his widowed sister couldn't afford most of her medication and treatment, quietly helped by giving her some of the money that he took from the house management fund. He even cut down the size of the servants due to this.
Henceforth, the house was once again left to its own accord. The house had to rely on its own—despite its old age—as it tried to survive each season of scorching sun, cold snow, raging wind, and wet rain. It truly was a miracle that it could still stand after being neglected for so long.
Hange slowly ascended onto the front step of the entrance and then stood silently in front of the white oak door. She gently rubbed the stale wood surface of the doorframe and felt the chipped wood brushed against her gloved hand.
If the house had a mouth of its own, what would they say? Would they be mad at her and her mother for their arrival had ruined its beautiful building?
How about ears? What if they had ears? Would they try to listen to what Hange had to say? Would they understand how much she loves them and how thankful she was for the protection and shelter they had provided to her and her mother?
Would they even acknowledge how sorry she was for not being able to take good care of them?
Hange took a deep breath before she finally moved her hand toward the brass door knockers. She knocked thrice and waited. A few seconds later, the door was opened by a young woman in a simple black dress and white apron.
The maid immediately widened her eyes the moment she saw Hange. She let out a squeal before she enveloped Hange in a hug.
"Oh! Miss Hange! You came! I knew you would come."
"Ilse, hi, it's good to see you again," Hange replied happily before pulling herself away from Ilse. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, Miss. But most importantly, how are you? You must be exhausted from the long journey, right? Wait, you look pale, Miss, are you alright? Are you sick? Please, come inside, I'll prepare warm tea for you, Miss."
"I'm okay, just a little bit tired, but no thank you, tea won't be necessary." Hange answered weakly before stepping into the foyer and quickly asked, "Anyway, how is my mother, Ilse?"
"Ah… She's in her room, Miss Hange. Mistress herself is—uh actually—Mistress was resting just a moment ago. However, not too long before you arrived, Miss, Doctor Jenkins came to check on Mistress' condition."
"What? Doctor Jenkins is here?" Hange asked as she took off her hat and gloves before giving it to Ilse.
"That is right, Miss." Ilse neatly put the hat and gloves in a cupboard near the foyer. "It was Mr Alfred who requested his presence."
Hange knew that when his uncle—a retired doctor with years of medical expertise under his belt—had to call another doctor, it could only mean that he needed a second opinion. Hange didn't need to think twice to understand that something must be wrong.
"Are you sure you won't need anything, Miss?" Ilse asked again, "I can bring them to the Mistress' room if you need to. They should already be finished with the examination by now."
"No, I'm good, but thank you, Ilse. You can go back to your duty."
"If you say so, Miss," Ilse smiled politely, "Just call me if you need anything, alright?"
"Sure, I will."
"Oh! I'll tell Mrs Mullen to cook a quick meal for you, Miss. So please come to the dining room as soon as you can, I'm sure you are famished from the long journey."
Hange realised that she hadn't eaten anything before leaving the manor and it was already way past lunchtime, but she still didn't feel hungry. Nevertheless, Hange knew it was impossible to refuse Ilse, and so she instead replied with, "Okay, thank you, Ilse."
After Ilse excused herself to go back to the kitchen, Hange took her bag—that barely hold anything significant inside since she was in a hurry that morning—and walked straight from the foyer toward the narrow wooden stairs in the hallway.
She took slow and almost quiet steps when she ascended the stairs which always left tiny cracking sounds every time she put pressure on it. Then, when she arrived at the upper floor, she was welcomed by the familiar long hallway.
Hange glanced at the room at the further end of the hallway and felt shivers suddenly coming over her. The door was slightly ajar, and Hange could hear some muffled conversation coming from that room.
Hange walked toward the door and cautiously peeked inside the bedroom. In there she saw two figures on the side of the bed, one was sitting while the other was standing. They obscured Hange from seeing her mother who seemed to be lying on the bed. The three of them were speaking with each other, and from where she stood, she caught the concerned frown that was present on both Doctor Jenkins and Uncle Al.
After what felt like a very long hour, the doctor stood up from the chair and walked toward the door with Uncle Al. Hange quickly stepped away from the door and held her breath.
Uncle Al immediately noticed her once he exited the room. He widened his eyes at her before letting out a sigh as he closed the door, "Of course, you are here."
"Hi Uncle," Hange laughed awkwardly at him before bowing politely at Doctor Jenkins whom Hange had known since she was little.
"…Well, I think it's a good thing that she's here." Doctor Jenkins said, but of course, it wasn't directed at her but toward Uncle Al.
This remark of him of course alerted Hange. She tried to search for an explanation from her uncle, but it was hard since her uncle was having a hard time meeting her gaze. Instead, Uncle Al put a hand on Hange's shoulder and pulled her into a hug that lingered way too long for what he wrote in the telegram as a harmless accident.
"Welcome back, Hange." Uncle Al murmured before letting go of the embrace.
"Y-yeah? What happened?" Hange asked nervously and shifted her gaze between the two older men and to the closed door.
Hange sensed the subtle tension between her uncle and Doctor Jenkins. The look of pity and sorry that was shown on Doctor Jenkins's face didn't help her situation either. On the contrary, a sense of dread filled her stomach instead.
"I have told everything to Doctor Ellery, Miss." Doctor Jenkins said before looking at his pocket watch. "I would love to explain it to you, but I have to go now, I'm very sorry."
"I see, that's alright…"
"I wish all the best for your mother," Doctor Jenkins bowed to her and gave her a polite smile. Then, in just a blink of an eye, Doctor Jenkins had already descended the stairs, leaving Hange and Uncle Al in their little hallway.
"So, I assume you will be the one who does the explaining, Uncle."
Instead of answering, her uncle cleared his throat instead and said, "Why don't we see if Mrs Mullen had prepared something for you to eat?"
"Don't ignore me!" Hange retorted in a slightly raised voice. "What happened to Mum?"
"Hange, not so loud," Uncle Al quietly shushed her, "Your mother is resting. Doctor Jenkins had just administered her a sedative."
"…Sedative?"
"Yes. Your mother asked for it since she said she had trouble sleeping lately, and so Doctor Jenkins gave it."
Hange furrowed her brows and bit her lips as she looked back again at the closed door.
"Hange." Uncle Al took her by the hand and spoke softly, "You want an explanation, right? I'll tell you all you want to know, but first, you must eat, okay?"
When Hange glanced back at him, she couldn't miss the glassy eyes of her uncle. Hange let out a sigh before nodding, "Fine".
The dining room of the Ellery's House was normal-sized. However, when it's barren with only Hange and Uncle Al being present there, the room somehow grew twice in size.
It didn't help that neither of them talked ever since they walked into the room. Silence itself was actually a very rare phenomenon since it was seldom quiet in the house of Ellery, especially not when Hange was visiting.
Although to be quite fair, the house had become significantly quieter the more her mother withered in her bed.
Hange was in the middle of separating the boiled potatoes, stewed vegetables, and roasted pigeon meat into their own little area on her plate when her uncle suddenly asked, "So, how long are you going to stay, Hange."
"Two nights…" Hange barely moved her gaze from her plate when she answered. "I can't leave my student for too long."
"Yes, I know. That was part of the reason why I told you not to come… Though I should've known you wouldn't listen to me." He said with a chuckle but only for a while before his t0ne was back on serious. "However, I'm glad you are here, now."
Hange only hummed as she tried to cut the chopped carrot on her plate into an even more minuscule piece before muttering, "I'm still waiting for your explanation, Uncle."
"It was just a little sprain, nothing to worry about," he answered calmly.
"Really?" She asked again, followed closely by the subtle sound of her knife on the plate.
"Yes."
"If that's the case then why did you call Doctor Jenkins? I'm sure a man with your expertise wouldn't struggle with treating a mere muscle sprain, right?"
Her uncle immediately stopped the movement of his hands on the utensils, but only for a few seconds before he regained back his usual gentlemanly attitude.
"Well," he cleared his throat, "your mother said she lost her balance when she walked down the stairs because she was having a coughing fit."
"… What do you mean?" Hange raised her head instantly to look at Uncle Al straight in the eyes "Mum fell because of a cough?"
"Not a cough, Hange, but a very bad consecutive cough… It suffocated her. Fortunately, it didn't last too long, though it was long enough to result in such a nasty fall."
"Are you serious?" Hange raised her voice and gripped the knife and fork in her hands tighter. "That's not fine at all, Uncle?! You sent me a telegram, saying that she's fine when clearly, she's not? I mean, she… Mum could've—It could've ended so badly for Mum… I can't believe it! You lied to me, Uncle."
"I know, I know! I'm sorry." Uncle Al put his eating utensils away and stared dejectedly at her. "I'm sorry Hange for lying to you, but that wasn't my intention at all. At first, I want to be honest about it to you, but your mother was against it, and when I thought about it again, I agreed that it was best to not tell you."
"What?! Mum told you to lie and you agreed?"
"We just don't want to bother you, Hange… Especially your mother, she didn't want you to worry."
"I… I don't—Why?! Do you actually think I would ever see my own family as an inconvenience?!"
"No! No, you don't! We know that Hange… But still..."
Hange pushed her untouched plate away from her and leaned back on the chair. She clicked her tongue then glanced down at her fingers and scratched the nails against each other's. She bit her lips and frowned before muttering, "What did Doctor Jenkins say about Mum?"
Uncle Al scratched his grey hair and sighed, "Her lungs… He said it had advanced to its final stage."
"Final… stage?"
"Final stage," Uncle Al repeated before he drank a glass full of water in one swift motion as if he was trying to wash down something in his throat.
"Is it… bad?"
He nodded, "Very bad."
Hange felt her throat dried up, "…Very?"
"Terrible and concerning… He wasn't sure how long the lungs will last before it finally fails itself, but judging from her condition, it shouldn't take long."
Uncle Al explained in a way that sounded too cold and too far away. She couldn't place it, but she didn't like the tone he was using.
Then it dawned on her; she hated it because he was telling her in the voice that he usually used when he was diagnosing his patients. It was how he usually relay on important information without using any of his feelings, something that he had mastered to be professional in his field.
Right at that moment, Hange could feel her whole body began sweating ice water as realisation hit her.
"That is why we shall be ready for the worst, Hange."
Hange didn't respond or even look at her uncle. Maybe if she tried hard enough to ignore it, the worst thing would not happen.
"… Hange."
Hange looked back at her abandoned plate. She realised that she barely put anything to her mouth, the only thing she did was rearrange all the food on her plate into one unappetizing-looking chunk of a meal. She still didn't feel any hunger, on the contrary, looking at the food made her nauseous.
Hange then reached for the glass of water on the side, and that was when she noticed the trembling of her hand. She quickly took her hand back and stood up from the chair before leaving the dining room. Hange ignored the worried call from her uncle and instead, she went to the small library next to her uncle's study and what used to be his examination room.
The library in the Ellery House might not be as humongous as the library in the Ackerman Estate, but it was enough for her. The room consisted of shelves on the three sides of the walls with a fireplace tucked on the other side of the walls without the shelves. A single couch was placed facing the fireplace while a table and a chair was placed not too far from the fireplace.
A stepladder was put in one corner of the room near a few stacks of books on the floor. It seemed that the shelves could no longer hold any more books.
Hange walked to the chair near the table and took a seat on it. There was another stack of books on the table and with quick skimming, Hange noted that it was a stack of children's books that Hange knew quite well since she used to read it every time she visited back then.
Judging from the look of it, Uncle Al was probably planning on donating some of the books to the local orphanages and school. No one will read it anyway since no children were living in the house at the moment. He clearly wanted to make space on the shelves for more relevant books.
Hange smiled bitterly as she grabbed each book and read the title. But then suddenly her movement came to a halt when she came across a book titled Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
She opened the cover and on the first page, there was a familiar handwritten note that said: "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. Be what you would seem to be, Hange. With love, Mum."
Hange remembered that book very clearly as it was the very first new year that she had to celebrate right after her father passed away. Hange was seventeen back then and the book itself had just been published earlier that November.
The book was written for small children and so Hange didn't really understand why her mother decided to give that particular title to her.
However, once she read it, Hange understood it immediately.
It told a story of a little girl who—at the beginning of the story—strongly believed in a world that is just and orderly, but then she arrived at a world where everyone behaved in a way that did not align with any of her beliefs. The world, to say the least, was bizarre.
Then again, when you are still a child, every brand-new experiences out there would not always make any sense. Maybe that's why most children tend to cry at any minor inconveniences because, for them, the world is indeed a strange place.
This sense of awareness regarding the bizarreness of the world could probably explain why children and adults have such differing worldviews.
She still remembered how its main character, Alice, answered a question about who she is right in the middle of the story. Alice's answered it timidly by saying: "I–I hardly know, sir, just at present–at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
When she read that passage for the first time, Hange had to put the book away for a few moments because suddenly her thought was filled with constant cycle of questions and answers.
Can people really change in such a short period of time?
Well, yes they can. In fact, she could recall the very same thing happening to her the moment her father died.
Someone told her once about how we are born with the illusion of safety that was carefully crafted by our caretaker. Nothing, not even the cruellest joke in the world, could ever bother us as long as we have them.
Therefore, when you lost one of them, part of that illusion was gone with them, and suddenly you were faced with a realer version of the world. That was when you finally realise that the version of the world that you thought you knew was nothing but false impression.
Imagined what would happen if you lost all of them.
What would happen to her reality if her mother were gone too?
It was way past noon when Ilse woke her up. It turned out she fell asleep on the couch in the drawing room while reading. Ilse informed her that Mrs Zoë had woken up and she wanted to see Hange.
Hange nodded but when she wanted to thank her, her throat was hurting. Ilse, who was always ready, had prepared her a glass of water. Yet even after she had drunk it empty, she still couldn't shake the tingling away from her throat.
Nevertheless, Hange thanked Ilse and went upstairs to her mother's room. However, she quickly found herself hesitating when she finally arrived at the door. Hange stood there rigidly as she took a deep breath and clenched her hands, finding comfort in how her nails dug into her skin.
After a while, Hange eventually made up her mind and confidently opened the door. She didn't forget to put on a smile before walking into the room.
"Hi Mum, how are you?" Hange said in the most cheerful manner she could mutter as she walked toward the bed, but what welcomed her was not something that would put someone in a cheery mood.
It hadn't been long since the last time she came to visit her mother, and yet she looked like she aged in that short time. Her mother's hair which usually shines in honey golden colour is now dull with visible grey in some areas. Her pale skin is now appearing greyish as if blood had been sucked out of her.
Her beauty which was once was the talk of the town had now been suppressed by the sickness that slowly eating her from the inside.
One thing that didn't change was how her warm chocolate eyes still glowed with life as she welcomed Hange. It was the only definite reassurance for Hange that yes, her mother is still here.
However, the slow movement of her hand as she tried to call Hange to come closer and the ever-present cough were the giveaway that she was far from healthy. Hange quickly reached for her mother's hand and helped her to lean back against the headboard before she sat on the chair next to her bed.
Hange gently rubbed her thumb against her mother's hand and remarked the protruding small bones of her mother's as well as the coldness of her skin. The weather had been getting warmer lately, but for her mother whose body lived in eternal winter, the weather wasn't much of help. Even the fire from the fireplace couldn't do anything significant for her, despite Hange feeling her body getting warmer from the temperature.
"I'm fine, sweetheart." She paused and coughed, which plainly contradict her previous statement. "How about you? You must be tired from your journey, right?"
"A little, but I can manage," Hange said with a small smile.
"I'm sorry for making you worry, dear. You even take some time away from your busy schedules for me… Was Mr Ackerman alright with you coming here so soon after your last visit?"
Hange averted her gaze away from her mother, "Well… He wasn't at the manor when I got the news… So, I only got permission from Mrs Weiss and Moblit, but they said they are going to immediately inform Mr Ackerman about my situation as soon as he arrives back at the manor, whom they were sure wouldn't mind my sudden absence since it was an urgent matter after all. Besides, I had left Mikasa with enough materials to study on her own for a few days, so it shouldn't be a problem."
Her mother nodded, "I see… Well, then you shall send my gratitude for this kind gentleman who had been treating my daughter so very well."
Hange smiled timidly, "Yes, I shall."
"Speaking of that, have you been taking good care of yourself, Hange?" Her mother touched Hange's upper arm gently. "Did you lose weight? You look thin."
Hange didn't answer her mother because all she could feel was how her mother's hand was visibly shaking with every motion that she made on her arm. Not only that, but also the way her mother had to frequently pause in the middle of a sentence just to let out a cough was very hard to miss.
Suddenly, a thought came over her as she observed her mother; it was a specific thought that kept asking her about why did she even hesitate with her life in the first place?
The woman who sat in front of her is her mother. The remnant of the times when she was just Hange Zoë and not Miss Governess, Miss zero inheritance, or even Miss soon-to-be-spinster.
Why did she have to think about which choices she has to take? It should be clear as day that her mere dream is not as important as the well-being of her mother. She doesn't need to chase her dream to stay alive, what she needs is none other than the reassuring existence of her mother, because as long as her mother is here in this world, then everything will be more bearable.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I call you at a bad time? Were you in the middle of a reading session?"
Her mother's question brought Hange back from her reverie. Hange followed the gaze of her mother and apparently, her mother was looking at the book that was on her hand.
"Ah, this… No, well yes, but no it's just," Hange raised the cover to let her mother read it, "I found this in the stack of books that Uncle Al wants to donate and so I took it."
"Oh! It's your book, right? I think Alfred put it there by mistake."
"Yeah, I think so too."
"Good things you found it, dear. You love that story, didn't you?"
Hange smiled, "Of course I love it, you gave it to me after all."
"Really?" Her mother giggled, "Are you sure it's not because you like Alice?"
"Well yes, I do like her, but that's not really the reason why I love this book."
"Ah, I just assumed you love it because of your similarities with Alice."
"Similarities?"
"Yes, I think you are quite similar to her, Hange. That's why I gave this book to you in the first place."
"… What? No way?"
"I mean, don't you think Alice, who is a dauntless and straightforward girl who is always so curious as well as critical to the people and the world around her and someone who is not afraid of change—" She smiled at Hange. "—is not the same as you?"
Hange fell into silence while her mother continued on with her playful teasing.
"You don't seem so sure. Do you not see it?"
Hange shook her head, "I'm not sure, I mean, I'm not as brave as her, Mum. I'm just a pathetic person who is scared—"
"Scared?" Her mother quickly interjected, "Scared of what? Did something happen, dear?"
"…Mum," Hange called with a whisper, "I…I heard everything from Uncle Al."
Hange felt a slight shift of the bedsheet as her mother seemed to be startled by her answer.
"Hange..."
"Isn't there…" Hange muttered, "Isn't there anything that we can do?"
"Oh, Hange…" Even in all that horrible truth, she managed to still smile when she said, "There's nothing left to do."
"But that's not fair!" Hange raised her voice, "Are you telling me to just accept it?!"
Her mother's eyes grew wide at her exclamation. Seeing the obvious pain and shock on her face, Hange felt a bit of regret for the way she spoke to her mother.
However, her mother quickly wore a firm expression on her face as she asked, "Do you not think I do not wish to live longer?" Her mother then moved to grab Hange's hand and hold it tightly. "Do you not think I do not wish to see my daughter growing up?"
Hange bit her tongue as she heard her reply before saying, "If… If that's what you wish for, then I am going to do everything to make it happen for you, Mum."
"That's not necessary Hange, what you are doing now is already enough."
"No! It is not."
"It is."
"NO! It's not and you know that!" Hange yelled and abruptly took her hands away from her mother before standing up from the chair. Hange could feel her mother's lingering gaze as Hange stomped her way toward the window not too far from the bed.
Hange felt her jaw clenching as she stared at the windows. However, the familiar sight of green fields, hills, and a small village did somewhat soothe her, albeit only for a short while before another kind of feeling—something much more awful—enveloped her. Hange brought her fingers together before speaking.
"Mum," she called while still maintaining her gaze to the outside, "I think it's time for me to get married."
"… Married?" Her mother repeated with a hint of concern in her tone, "Whatever are you talking about, dear?"
Hange pressed her mouth tightly together before answering, "…Someone offered me a hand in marriage, well not to me directly per se. It's, uh, Uncle Al told me about his friend who expressed their interest to marry me with his son. A fine and affluent gentleman he seemed to be, and a great prospect for me, right? Therefore, I'm going to agree to this arrangement and marry that person."
"…Hange."
"However, I still want to work with the Ackerman until next spring... Mikasa still needs me, so I will try to ask whether the marriage can be postponed until then. Although based on what I heard about the man from Uncle Al, he won't mind I suppose. As I said, he seemed to be an agreeable fellow—"
"Hange," called her mother again, this time more sternly than before.
"That's why," Hange slightly raised the tone of her voice, "That's why I want you to wait until then, Mum. I know I'm selfish, but please try to endure it until next spring. It shall not be long; time will pass quickly before you know it. After that, I promise you that I will get all the best treatment in the entire country for you, Mum."
"Hange."
"Oh! Now that I think about it, maybe you won't need to wait at all, I can—"
"Hange Zoë, listen to me."
It was the voice that Hange knew so very well. The voice that she heard right before her mother started her lecture. But Hange was not planning to listen to any of that at all.
"No, Mum! Please don't try to talk me out of it! I mean, let's think about this carefully, doesn't it make you happy to know that your daughter won't turn out to be a spinster? Won't it be great if we don't need to worry about money anymore? Won't it be wonderful if you can be fully healed?"
Her mother didn't reply and in what seemed to be a very long minute, pure silence surrounded her in a painful throb while also leaving her with nothing to ponder because nothing is there.
"Hange…" Her mother called, filling that emptiness with her gentle voice. "Are you serious?"
"… I am," Hange said as she held her head high while still avoiding looking in the direction of her mother.
"Are you being honest?"
"Of course! I already made up my mind, Mum. Why would I lie for something this major?"
"Really?"
There was another silence as Hange let her eyes wander to the vast blue sky that somehow slowly disappear into greyness. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before replying, "Yes."
"Then why are you crying, dear?"
"I'm no—" Hange turned her head to face her mother, but to her surprise, she found her mother already standing next to her. Her mother's hand was trembling when she brought it to Hange's face, yet her touch was gentle as a feather.
"You've always been a bad liar." Her mother spoke with much endearment, and at that moment Hange realized that her mother was wiping the tears away from her cheek.
"But I'm not lying..." Hange whispered as she tried to hide the whimper that was threatening to come out.
"Then, let me ask you again: are you really sure about your decision?"
Hange blinked rapidly to clear the blurriness away—but in doing so, she let more tears fall to her cheek—before nodding.
"Do you think you will be happy with this man?"
Hange wanted to speak but her throat was tied up, and she felt like there was a thorn on her tongue. Still, she forced herself to answer, though hoarsely, "Of course. I will be happy if that life can make you live a long and healthy life."
"Oh, you silly girl." Her mother chortled before taking both of Hange's hands to hers. "I'm asking about your happiness."
Hange stared at her mother perplexedly, "I know… I said my answer already."
"No, your answer is about me. That's not fair, isn't it, to use me as your source of happiness?"
"I—I don't understand…"
Her mother didn't immediately answer, instead, she walked limply back toward the bed and sat on the bed next to the bedside table. She opened the drawer and took out a worn-out envelope from under the books that she stored inside. Her mother gestured the envelope toward Hange.
Hange furrowed her brows at her mother's action, but she didn't say anything as she approached her mother and took the envelope. Hange noticed that the envelope was not sealed, and inside it, she saw what appear to be folded letter. Hange took out the content and unfold the paper.
It was small, the same size as a notebook paper that was torn into two. There were already yellow spots on the shabby old paper. Three lines of words were written on it. Hange noticed the familiarity in the beautiful penmanship, albeit this one was less refined and seemingly written in haste or maybe in nerve.
Dear Father in Heaven,
I want you to know that I'm not scared of death, but I do want to be able to live a little bit longer. Do you think you can grant me another year to live? I promise I will use it wisely and fill it with much happiness.
Love, Hannah.
"What is this, Mum?" Hange asked with her eyes still glued to the letter.
"Why don't you sit down, Hange?" She gently motioned Hange to come closer and so Hange complied and sat back on the chair.
"Mum?" Hange asked again and it was enough for her mother to understand what she wanted to know.
"Well, Hange," Her mother called her softly, "D0 you remember the story that your father used to tell you? The one where he talked about the way he tried to court me?"
"Of course, I remember." There's no way she could forget it. Her father liked to talk about how hard he tried to pursue her mother and how she rejected him at first. It was always a story that her father spoke of with laughter and a hint of adoration for her mother. "I think Dad was genuinely proud of himself for he had succeeded in courting you, Mum."
"Oh yes, he did." Her mother said with laughter before shifting her expression to a more sombre mien. "Unfortunately, your father wasn't being completely honest with our story."
"What do you mean, Mum?"
"Your father probably wanted to wait until you became an adult before telling you the full story, and I understand why he did. It was not a pleasant story to tell after all, especially not to you."
"…Is that why you always refused to speak about it to me?" Hange lowered her voice as she asked. She remembered how it was always her father who spoke about the event of their courtship and never her mother.
"Yes, it is. But I think it's time for you to finally hear it." Her mother spoke slowly. "Do you want to hear it?"
The name of the Ellery household became famous when a middle-class physician came to Nedlay as a doctor who revolutionized the medical treatment in that area which previously still relied on ineffective old-school treatment. This, in turn, attracted a lot of physicians from another town to study under him and some even opened their practice in Nedlay, which significantly improved the health of the villagers.
However, no one knew whether it was a curse or a jape from God himself when the family—whose ancestors had always worked in the field of medicine—gave birth to Hannah, the youngest child, who was weak and sickly ever since she was little. Hannah was seen as an anomaly since all seven of her older brothers are in perfect health.
Due to her health, Hannah had to spend most of her life inside her room with only books as her company. Although she loved reading, it would be a lie to say that she didn't want to join her brothers who were free to play in the garden, stroll around the town, study at a boarding school, and spend time outside to get to know other children in the village.
As young as she might be, Hannah was very much aware of her mortality. At the young age of seven, she eavesdropped the conversation between her parents. She heard her father say to her mother, "I'm sorry, but Hannah, our sweet daughter Hannah… I don't think she can live long enough for us to see her tenth birthday".
She was young but she had accepted that death is inevitable for her, so she didn't feel sad at all about it. That was why she didn't fully understand why her parents cried after that. Her death wouldn't change a thing and so she didn't see the need for anyone to be sad for her. Wouldn't it be great if she was gone, no one would be burdened by her anymore.
Paula, her lady's maid, for example. She owed Paula a lot for she was the one who always took care of her. But if she died, then Paula would be free to do anything without having to worry about Hannah.
Everything would be fine if she's gone, she thought.
However, it was until her father brought along an upper-middle-class girl named Erika Seymour who lived in a manor not too far from there that her life began to change. Erika was a beautiful young girl around her age with silky bright blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. She would come to visit Hannah—with the company of her lady maid too—for a few days every week and they would read or play dolls together.
Because of Erika, for the first time in forever, Hannah didn't feel lonely.
The two of them quickly grew closer to each other. Just like Hannah, Erika is also the only daughter of the Seymour family, so it was only natural for both to see each other as sisters. So much so that when Hannah fell ill, Erika—the one who always radiated life—was dimmed by sadness as she cried by her bed and said how heartbroken she would be if Hannah wasn't here by her side.
Because of Erika, for the first time in forever, Hannah didn't want to die anymore.
That was when she wrote that letter to God because she wanted to get to know better the wonderful life that Erika always loves to talk about.
That feeling is probably what cured her, in a way that she no longer had to be bedridden every day. It was a total surprise—and a very welcome one—for everyone to see her getting better. No one would even imagine seeing Hannah strolling around the village with Erika as they laugh together.
Years passed by and Hannah grew from a gaunt pale young girl to a fine young woman. She had gained some healthy weight albeit her stature is still very much thin. Her skin is no longer greyish although it is still pale. Hannah Ellery herself was especially known for her beautiful eye shape as well as her wonderful brown iris that people always compare to a warm cup of tea.
Despite her health improvement, her father still restricts her from doing intense or prolonged activity. She could not attend every ball, and if she did, she could only dance twice before feeling lightheaded and breathless. She would also leave earlier than everyone, as she learned this a hard way from passing out in the middle of a party.
This however didn't seem to deter any gentlemen from trying to get to know her. People were drawn to her charm and intelligence. Hannah Ellery is certainly a very interesting lady who can hold her conversation. She might not be as stunning as Erika, but she was still considered a beautiful young lady in Nedlay.
Other than Erika, Hannah didn't really spend her time with other ladies of her status. Instead, Hannah dedicated her time to helping the local school as a teacher. For Hannah—who woke up every day counting on how many days she had left in the world—being able to serve her community was the only way for her to be useful as a person.
At least that was her thought until that day.
It was during Erika's wedding with Mr Wilhelm Smith that she met a young gentleman, a friend of Mr Smith. Mr Smith himself was the one who introduced the two. She learned that his name was Gerasimos Zoë, and he was a lawyer-in-the-making. At 21 years old, Gerasimos was a year younger than her.
Just like what she would do at any party, she accepted his dance offer out of politeness and expected him to lose interest once he met another dazzling lady with much better energy than her. However, once he learned about her limit in physical activity, he instead spent the rest of the party engaging in a conversation with her.
Therefore, under the shade of a big willow tree, she found herself being swayed by his charm.
Based on the few hours she spent with him, she could see that Gerasimos Zoë was a smart, funny, and passionate young man. He was dashing with brown hair, warm skin, and an unforgettable beautiful smile.
That was probably the very first—and the last—time for Hannah to fall in love so easily with a man.
Hannah wasn't stupid, so she knew that the young man was attracted to her, although that didn't make her expect him to propose right before she left the party.
Despite her interest in him, Hannah refused him by saying that it was too soon for them to talk about marriage. He was dejected but accepted her answer. But he promised her that he would ask her again after he had made a name for himself.
Hannah didn't think much of his promise back then, so she didn't say anything and only smile. She believed that their path would never cross again, so she won't bother to hold on to an empty hope.
She was wrong of course.
Two years later, Erika's son, Erwin, turned one. Hannah was invited to Mitras to celebrate his birthday. Hannah was ecstatic of course, because ever since the wedding, Erika moved out of Nedlay to settle on Mitras. Therefore, Hannah found herself to be alone in Nedlay and longed for her friend.
What she didn't expect was for Gerasimos to be there also. However, by that time, he had grown considerably a lot. He was already a full-fledged lawyer in Mitras and grew to be even more charming.
There was still the same youthful playfulness that she encountered two years ago, but now it was hidden underneath his more mature but still amiable personality. Hannah didn't know that you could fall in love twice with the same person.
After that meeting, they began corresponding with each other. It only took Hannah two letters from him for her to wish that he still remembers his promise back then.
To her surprise, he still remembered it, and he proved it two months later when he arrived at her home to ask her parents for her hand in marriage. Hannah had told her parents about Gerasimos, and they seemed to be alright with him, so Hannah thought that everything would go well.
However, unbeknownst to any of them, Hannah's father was disapproving of his proposal.
Hannah was listening behind the door that connected the drawing room to the dining room when his father's deep voice was heard talking to Gerasimos.
"I heard of your family before. It's Zoë, isn't it? A long time ago, I heard about a man named Erasmus Zoë who famously made a name for himself as a businessman who successfully gathered a mountain of fortune for the Zoë household. And that man is your father, isn't it?"
"Y-Yes, sir. That man is my father."
"Then, have you informed your father about this proposal of yours?"
There was a pause for a few seconds before he answered, "No, I have not told him yet, sir."
"Not even to your, mother?"
"… No, sir. I have not informed any of my family except my older brother about this, sir."
"Why have you not? If you are serious about my daughter, then you should have brought your parents with you."
"I… I will bring them after I heard your answer, sir."
"And I will give you my answer after you bring them to us, to this house."
He went quiet.
"What's the matter, Mr Zoë? You can't do that?"
"No, that's not—"
"Ah, you already knew, right?" Her father said again but this time he lowered his voice. "You already knew that they would not agree that my daughter will be a great match for you?"
There was no answer from Gerasimos.
"I take your silence as a confirmation."
"Sir!" Gerasimos finally spoke up. "About that… You are right! But I just—no matter what they got to say about Miss Ellery, I will still choose her."
"I'm sorry," her mother chimed in, "but I want my daughter to have in-laws who love her the same way we love her. If you can't guarantee that for our daughter, then we will not give her to you."
Her father then told him to return when he had gotten approval from his parents, and so with nothing left to say, Gerasimos had no choice but to comply and left the house.
Hannah emerged from her hiding spot right after her father called for her, clearly knowing that she had been there the entire time. Hannah cried in her parents' embrace.
Her father explained that the Zoë family was what you would call a new money, a middle class who gained a lot of fortune from their business and now their wealth is comparable to those of the upper class.
"They are nothing but a snobbish and arrogant family, Hannah. They think they are better than any of us," her father said as he rubbed a soothing touch to her hair as she continued to cry.
"But… He isn't like that, Father."
"Yes, I know, Hannah, I know. But, no matter what you do, his family will not like you. You will never be enough for them, Hannah. Unlike us, they will never understand you."
She knew very well about that. That was the reason why there were no proposals made to her yet because she knew no matter how excellent she was as a lady, in the end, she was unfit to be a wife and a mother. No one wants to marry a sickly and—possibly—infertile wife.
Now that she thought about it, wouldn't it be cruel if she married him but only for a few short years before she left Gerasimos to be a childless widower?
She didn't even have the heart to see him having to choose between her or his own family.
It would be much better for him to end up with a more affluent lady whom his family chose for him instead of her. Hannah was sure that it wouldn't take long for him to forget her and be happy with his brand-new fulfilling life.
If that was the case, then she should be happy for him.
But still, even after weeks of learning to accept that fact, Hannah found her heart constantly aching.
Then one night, right before Paula turned off any of the candles in her room, Hannah saw Paula was hesitating and fidgeting on her feet. When she asked about it, Paula approached her and took a letter from the pocket of her dress and gave it to her.
Hannah knew exactly what the letter was about.
Paula admitted that years ago, she found Hannah's letter and decided to bring that letter to the church and pray with it once the service was over. Unknowingly to her, a priest saw her clutching the letter so tightly as she prayed in tears. The priest called her and read it before telling her that: "You shall tell your lady that if she believes, then she will be cured and live a long life. However, once she does, then make sure to always remind your lady that a promise is a promise. She had promised that she will live a happy life, then she must certainly do it, no exception".
"… Paula."
"I know I have nothing to say to your life, Miss Hannah. But it pained me truly to see the little girl I have raised with care suffering in sadness like this. So please, Miss Hannah, God had given you a second chance in life, what is the point of that if you are not happy? It's not right to put your happiness as a mirror to another person. You are your own person, Miss. Don't put it on someone else."
Hannah, who hadn't been replying to Gerasimos' letters ever since his failed proposal, woke up from her bed and went to her table to write a letter. In that letter, she told Gerasimos about her true feelings for him as well as the truth about her failing health. She then said if his feelings are still the same and he is willing to deny his family for her, then Hannah will go against her family and accept him. She didn't care if anyone is against them, because if it means she could be with him, then so be it.
Two days later, Gerasimos returned to her house, alone, and this time Hannah forced herself to the drawing room despite the disapproval glance from both of her parents. Gerasimos, who kneeled with his face on the floor, implored her parents to let him wed their daughter.
"Are you for real?" Her father's voice was laced with disappointment, "Did you not hear what I said before? I—"
However, before her father could even finish, Hannah went to Gerasimos' side and kneeled as well.
"Father! Mother! Please accept our humblest request."
"Hannah?!" Her mother shrieked and stooped to her level, "Stop whatever you do, Hannah."
"Hannah?! What are you doing?" His father raised his voice. "Stop this—"
"NO! I need you two to understand that I want to be with this man. Please, this is the man of my choice."
"Hannah!" Her father called her again albeit this time he lowered the tone of his voice.
Hannah raised her face so she could see the face of her father.
"Father, you know very well that I will not live very long, right? I have accepted that, Father. I have accepted the fact that I will not be able to fully experience the same kind of life that Erika has. I know that and I won't wish for something I knew I couldn't have. You always taught me about living a life that can benefit others, and I did that, I'm content with this life, Father. However, I—for once in my life, please listen to this selfish desire of mine… For I want, in this life, no matter how short it will be, to spend it with the person that I love so very dearly and who accepted me despite my shortcomings… I don't care if I will not have in-laws who love me, I don't care if I'm cruel for taking a son away from his family, and I don't care if you hate me for this, because for me, just having Gerasimos by my side is already more than enough." Hannah said with an odd composure that she never thought she had in her.
Her father opened his mouth to reply but he closed it again, he seemed to be struggling with his thought, before massaging his temple.
"So…" He said, "You will still marry this man even if I don't agree?"
"Yes," Hannah replied confidently. "Although, there'll be no greater joy for me if you do approve of us."
He let out a sigh and shifted his attention to Gerasimos, "Did you hear, her?"
"Yes, sir."
"Are you sure that you want to marry my daughter? Someone so frail that I can't guarantee you if she could even live for the next five years or even give you any heir to continue your name?"
"If I'm not sure then I wouldn't be here in the first place, sir. I'm a dead man walking myself, sir, you can ask my fellow lawyers about that."
"… Are you willing to be shunned away by your family because of this choice—because of her?"
"Sir, once I wed her, she will be my new family and I will be the luckiest man in the world."
Her father was quiet, for a very long time, before he finally knelt in front of Gerasimos and said, "Will you promise me that no matter what happens, you will always be by her side and make her happy, no, make her happier than she has ever been before?"
"Of course, I will, sir."
"Will you take care of her, especially after I am no longer in this world?"
"I will, sir. I will. Even if I died first, I would still find a way to take care of her."
"If that's the case, then I have nothing to say…" He said before standing up. "You two are adults so I believe that you already thought of all the consequences of this choice."
A few months later, Hannah and Gerasimos had a private wedding in Nedlay with only her immediate family coming. Hannah and Gerasimos then chose to settle in Stohess, a place that he thought was perfect to even expand his career.
Undoubtedly, the Zoë family was not happy with the engagement, so much so that they cut their ties with Gerasimos. Fortunately, this didn't really affect Gerasimos since he quickly proved himself to be one of the best lawyers in the country, and so earning them enough income to live as a comfortable middle-class family.
Rumours were there of course, especially with how prominent the Zoë was as a new money. However, on the other side, Hannah's father had already made a name for himself and so he helped them a lot with their position on social standing. Moreover, both Gerasimos and Hannah were amiable enough for people to like them.
And so, even until this day, Hannah was content with her life and her choice.
However, that didn't change the fact that her choice was a very selfish one and no amount of lament could make the Zoë family accept their son back or even admit the existence of their granddaughter.
She would be fine if the Zoë disregard her or even pretend that she didn't exist, but deep inside she wanted them to at least accept both Gerasimos and Hange as their family.
Moreover, there weren't any days in her life where she didn't drown in her guilt of breaking away a family despite Gerasimos who kept telling her that it was his choice, and he didn't regret it one bit.
She still wasn't sure about the distinction between being selfish and having love for your own self. Or maybe they are not two separate things at all. However, one thing for sure, she too didn't regret doing it because it did make her happy.
"Mum…" Hange whispered to her mother as she tried to make sense of the stories that her mother had just told her. Hange always thought that her father left his family on his own accord and not because of the persuasion that came from her mother, and so this new information shook her to the core.
"I'm sorry, Hange, for not being honest with you from the very beginning… You are probably disappointed in me, right?"
"No Mum, listen!" Hange exclaimed as she pulled herself away from the chair and closer to her mother while still holding her mother's hand very tightly. "I can understand where you are coming from and I'm sure Dad understood it the best. I mean, in the end, he chose you and never once he blamed you for what happened… And I—I had never felt I missed out on anything for not knowing Dad's side of the family. Your family was more than enough for me, Mum. So please, don't blame yourself for it."
"Oh… Hange," Her mother's voice started breaking, and it didn't take her long before she broke down in tears.
"I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes. It's not a crime to think about your own happiness, right?" Hange said reassuringly. "Maybe we just have to invent a kinder word to refer it."
"Really, now," Her mother laughed in between her sobs, "You've grown so much… Thank you, honey. I need to hear it."
"Well, I learned from the very best after all."
"Oh, you…" Her mother chuckled before her expression changed to a more serene one. She brought her hands back from Hange's hold and took the letter that was almost forgotten on the side of the bed. She looked at it with a smile before saying, "Well now you have said it, that is exactly what I want you to do, Hange."
"…What do you mean, Mum?"
"You should learn to be more selfish, Hange," said her mother as she looked back at her with a smile, "That's what I meant."
Hange furrowed her brows, "I…I don't understand."
"Let me ask you this, Hange: What do you want to do in your life?"
"Huh? What I want to do…" She repeated slowly and remembered that the stranger that she met on the train earlier asked the same thing. Hange realised that the more she thought about it, the more she became certain that the reason why she was able to quickly befriend Marie was because Marie herself was quite similar to her mother.
"Yes, and do not answer something that involves me or anyone. It has to be about you only."
"About… me?" Hange frowned, "I don't know…"
"No… I know you have the answer to that, Hange, but you can't—no, you do not want to say it, right? You don't want to say it because of me."
"You? No, no, you're wrong, that's not it, Mum."
"Hange, I have known that ever since your father died, you began to put me above everything, even above yourself. You tried to do everything for me because you are worried about my condition and health." She then looked dejectedly at her. "I can't deny it anymore… I have failed as your mother and I'm very sorry about that, Hange… I took away your youth and freedom. I'm so very sorry."
"No, Mum, don't say that… I do what I do because I love you. I do what I do because what I want is to see you live a long and healthy life."
"Hange, I have already lived my long and healthy life. For someone like me, to be able to live for almost five decades is already a feat worth applauding. You don't have to think about me."
"But Mum, aren't you the same? Every time I ask about what you want for a gift, you always said that you don't need anything because what you want is for me to be happy. Why can't I do the same?"
"Because I'm your mother, Hange," Her mother said firmly, "That's my job."
What came after that was silence as Hange was perplexed at her answer. The way she said it was not indicating that she was angry at her, but it was more of a stern statement that was said out of affection.
However, she refused to bow down, and so she replied, "But I'm your daughter, that's my duty."
"No, Hange. That's not your duty," Her mother smiled warmly at her, "Your duty as a daughter is to show me that you are living your life with much happiness and freedom of doing whatever you want to do, no matter how big or small that is. That's all that matters, Hange. No mother in this world would want to see their children living a miserable life."
Hange wanted to argue that being a daughter with the full knowledge that her mother will die without she could ever do anything about it was heart-shattering. No children in this world would want to see their beloved parents leave them so quickly. She didn't care if she had to work until her bones crush if it meant she can be with her mother for a longer time.
In fact, being in Trost for a long time made her realise how much she misses her mother's calming presence.
She needed her.
However, Hange didn't say anything.
"Hange" Her mother was the one who break the silence. "Did you know what your father said to me after you asked him about moving to the boys' classroom?"
Hange shook her head.
"He came to me with tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face to inform me that, 'Han, our daughter is great, she's bound for something extraordinary. I know it.'"
"… Did Dad really say that?"
"Yes, he did. He was so proud of you, dear. Oh, he was so proud that he went on to establish a trust fund for your university tuition because he knew you'll be interested to go there someday. I did tell him though that even if you want to go, there's a very tiny chance that any university would ever take a woman as a student. However, your father insisted on it since he had known a lady who became a student at university abroad, and so he believed it was possible for you… He had collected quite the amount in it, but alas…"
"Alas?"
"Your father didn't tell you this either, but he still secretly maintained a close relationship with his older brother, the late Georgios Zoë, and so he made his brother his trustee. Surprisingly, Mr Georgios did take his duty very seriously because he sent me a letter about it not too long after your father died."
"What?! He did?"
"Yes, he did. Not only that, but he also told me that he had made a promise to your father. He promised that once he becomes the head of the Zoë house, he's going to give back the amount of inheritance that should belongs to your father if he was still in the will. And he was also aware of the issues with your father's assets that were claimed from us by his family using the Zoë's patrilineal line rule of inheritance. It was actually his help that made us able to secure our house back in Stohess as well as some of your father's money. Therefore, Georgios told me that he's going to do everything that he could to make sure that we both are taken care of and receive our full rights."
Hange frowned as she understood the implication of her mother cutting the story right there, "… But?"
"But I seemed to underestimate their bond because a year and a half after that, Georgios died from consumption which got worse after your father's passing."
"What?! What happened then?"
"Before he died, he told his son, Petros, about the arrangement. Petros promised to do it on his father's deathbed, and he told me about it as well when the news of his passing came to me… However, something changed when he succeeded his grandfather two years ago as the new head of the Zoë, he suddenly disappeared from me. I tried to reach out to him, but he never replied… Then, in a moment of desperation, I sent a letter to your father's sister, Glykeria, who was kind enough to respond. She said it was his grandmother's words that made him change his mind. He believed that your father did some bad things to ruin the Zoë's honour and so he instead will keep the money to himself… It didn't help that he went on to marry a rich lady in that same year."
"What?! That's horrible, Mum…"
"Yes… I've tried many ways to plead for his kindness. I even went all out of my way to Yarckel, to the Zoë's mansion, but he wouldn't even bother to open the gate for me… I'm sorry, Hange, but I didn't have many strengths for it. I tried to bring this case to court but I… I stepped back because the cost would be way too much, and it wouldn't even guarantee I would come out as a winner. So, once again, I'm sorry Hange, I couldn't do anything in the end."
"Mum… Why did you keep this all to yourself? You should've told me…"
"I couldn't do it Hange… You were already struggling with your job as a governess, and I didn't want you to worry…"
"But still… This is my problem too, Mum…"
"No, this is my problem, Hange. You didn't ask to be born out of my womb… You could've had a much easier life if you have a different mother, right? I couldn't do anything but be sick, so at the very least, I want to be your mother by trying to solve this problem all by myself."
"No, Mum, listen to me!" Hange exclaimed. "I wouldn't trade you for anyone. On the contrary, I'm glad you are my mother because it's reassuring to know that I have a mother who is so unapologetic for her life."
"…What? Hange?"
"I know why you were willing to fight to be with Dad… It's because Dad saw and accepted you for who you are, right? I remember he told me that you are the most headstrong lady he ever met, but that's why he fell for you because you were never deterred by your choice in life, Mum."
Her mother sat there, speechless, while also staring at Hange in disbelief.
"I think I finally understood what Dad meant by that when I finally went to the Ackerman Estate… People over there welcomed me in a way I feel so safe that I can be myself without having to worry… You see, I wasn't exactly everyone's favourite person, right? So, to have people who accepted me, it made me happy."
"Hange…"
"I don't care if we don't get that stupid inheritance and I don't care about Dad's stupid family at all, but to learn that you tried to conceal this from me, I… I mean, Mum, if you want me to be more selfish, then I want you to be more honest with me… So please, Mum, do not hesitate to lean on me. I might not be as wise as you are but I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always be on your side."
Her mother blinked a few times before smiling at her.
"Sometimes I forgot that you are no longer a little baby," her mother said as she gently tuck a strand of Hange's hair away from her face. "Thank you, Hange."
Hange spent the first night in her mother's room and no one seemed to be against it. Back then, when she was a child, Uncle Al and her father would tell Hange to sleep in her own room every time her mother had to be isolated.
Hange would need to cry and scream before the adults eventually allowed her to spend some time with her mother.
Looking back, Hange understood why they forbid her. Aside from the potential of her contracting illness, her mother would not get a full rest if she was nearby because she would be constantly looking after her, and Hange wasn't exactly a quiet child, not even when it was almost bedtime. Her father had to take her away from the room and promised her that he would be the one that look after Mother for the night.
Then, when she grew older, they didn't let her sleep with her mother because they knew she would end up staying all night out of worry for her mother. However, Hange of course didn't listen to anyone.
There's just no way she would let anyone who is sick and helpless sleep on their own, especially not her mother. If her mother could stay with her every time Hange got sick, then she should be able to do the same for her mother.
But that night, Hange didn't come to her mother's side for all that reasons. She went to her room for one obvious reason. No, actually, it was for one deep dark fear that had now arisen to show itself as her reality.
The reality was that this might as well be her last night with her mother.
Hange slept by her side, watching her mother's frail body trying its best to breathe and to put itself to sleep. However, it was futile since her mother would be awakened a few times because of the incessant coughing that kept her awake.
When her mother managed to sleep, Hange found herself locking her eyes right into the subtle and slow movement of her mother's chest. As if to make sure that her mother didn't just stop breathing out of the blue.
Hange didn't sleep a blink that night.
She kept her mother company the next day, not leaving her side no matter how many times her seven uncles—who finally arrived from all over the districts—told her to take a rest and even to eat. Her mother herself didn't eat and Hange too couldn't find any appetite within her. She only left when each of her uncles requested to have their private time with her mother.
That night, Hange once again stay with her mother, and with her, she brought the same book as before. Last night, she was reading Alice's Adventure in Wonderland to her mother but they didn't finish, and so she continued where they left off last time.
She read it as she sat on the bed next to her mother who was already tucked neatly in the bed. However, before she could even finish reading the second page, her mother suddenly called her.
"Hange…"
"Yes?" Hange quickly shifted her attention from the book and toward her mother.
"I think you are right; you are not the same as Alice."
"Huh?" Hange chuckled, "What's with the sudden revelation, Mum?"
Her mother smiled, but not in a way that she was amused by her reply, instead she smiled as if she was amused at her own thought.
"I just realise that I was doing it because I want to make myself feel better. If you are the same as this Alice character, then I probably would not feel so guilty for leaving you."
"Mum!" Hange exclaimed worriedly and wanted to stop her mother from uttering any more words, but her mother shook her head and continued.
"However, it is no longer necessary since I've seen with my own eyes that my daughter has grown into a wonderful young woman." Her mother took one of Hange's hands and rubbed it gently. "Looking at you now, I have no doubt that you'll continue to make me—make us proud."
"No… I—"
"Do you miss your dad, Hange?"
Hange could not fight tears from coming down from her eyes at the mention of him. "Of course…" she sniffled, "Of course, I miss Dad. I miss him a lot."
"Me too, dear. Me too."
"There wasn't a single day when I didn't miss him, Mum. I would always think of him, every day, every minute, every second. He is like a constant emptiness that never goes away… and I think it would never go fully away."
"Oh… Hange…"
"That's why," she choked, "That's why I can't lose you too, Mum… I just—Please don't leave me too… I'll have nothing left…"
Hange had pushed that thought many times to the back of her mind, but she could never truly escape from those fears.
Fear that one day Erwin would eventually have a family of his own, fear that Mikasa would grow up and be independent, fear that the servants will have their own life too. Even fear that Mr Ackerman would settle down someday once he met someone that suits him.
Therefore, she would be left all alone, no one will be there for her. She would spend the rest of her life hopping from one home to another as a sad spinster of a plain governess.
Fear that one day she would be nothing but a mere afterthought by everyone.
"So please, Mum… Stay with me."
Her mother glanced at her woefully "… That's one thing that I can't promise you, Hange. I'm sorry."
"Mum…"
"But Hange, that's not true, you will gain something when I'm gone."
"…What is it?"
"You will finally have a choice, Hange. Take a look at yourself. You are still young and there are many things you want to do, right? Didn't you use to tell me about how you wanted to be like all your uncles? You still wish for the same, right?"
"That's…"
"Hange, you will be free when I'm no longer here… You see, no matter how much you told me about how you've been enjoying your work as a governess, I know deep in your heart that this wasn't your choice. You had no choice, you had to do it because of me… I'm not going to be mad if you think of it like that… I brought nothing but hardship for you…"
"MUM!" Hange raised her voice, "How could you say something like that?! Do you think I'm that heartless?"
"No, you are not, if you are heartless then we would not be having this conversation, Hange… I'm telling you that because if not then you are going to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself."
Hange sniffled and whimpered, "No…"
"Hange, sweetheart…" Her mother used all of her strength to pull herself up from the bed and sat to face her, "Whatever happened, nothing is ever your fault, okay?"
"Still! Do you expect me to just stay here and accept everything?" Hange began to sob as her tears started to fall rapidly. "How can I go with my life without you and Dad?"
"You can, Hange. This will eventually be in the past. It's no use going back to yesterday, right? Appreciate today and look forward to tomorrow." Her mother gently tucked her face with both of her hands to dry the tears away. "I believe in you, Hange. Don't falter and be happy."
Hange clenched her eyes shut and cried, "But nothing will matter anymore if you are not here to see it… Who am I going to share my happiness with?"
"Oh, Hange… I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that care so deeply for you and wished for your happiness. Didn't you just tell me about how much the people at your governess' place accepted you? If that isn't love, then I don't know what is."
Hange opened her eyes and stared perplexedly at her mother who kept trying to swipe the tears away from her face.
"You must know, Hange, it will not take people long to realise just how easy it is to love you."
Her heart clenched at the tenderness of her mother's words. There she was, her mother, sitting on the bed so weakly, but even so she still tried to conceal all the pain that her body was experiencing from showing on her face. Despite everything, her mother still tried to look strong in front of her.
Hange had to convince herself that this wasn't a dream and that the person in front of her was not a ghost. Everything was real. Hange tried to burn into her memory of the little warmth that emanated from her mother's palms before she gently took away her hands to instead pull her mother into a hug.
Her mother was trembling, but she knew it wasn't from the cold. Her mother pulled her closer and whispered with a slight weep, "Every mother that I met always told me that you'll never get used to not having your children around as you used to, and I think they are right. I'm proud of what you've done out there Hange, but no matter, I will always find myself missing you, my dear."
"Oh… Mum."
"Thank you," she spoke so softly under her breath, "Thank you for being born, Hange."
Hange felt that tears were back on her face again as she held her mother even closer. Suddenly, a memory flashed before her. A memory of when she was still a child and sprained her knee from running too fast. She remembered her mother gently tucked her and held her on her arm while she was crying. She rocked her slightly as she whispered "It's okay, Hange. We'll treat it and you'll be better" to her ears and rubbed a warm hand on her back.
There was something about her mother that always seem magical and out of the world. It was as if her words and touch were blessed with the power to heal and protect.
That was when Hange realised that her mother was wrong, because "No, I should be the one who thanks you, Mum."
However, there was no response from her mother.
Then she noticed that the room had become unusually quiet. No, too quiet.
It took her a whole minute to eventually grasp—and to accept—the fact that there was no longer movement on her mother's body.
-Chapter 17 End-
Replies:
maranathapanyl: Hi hi! Sorry that this took so long! If I can be honest though, I already posted this chapter (alongside chapter 18) in AO3. I was actually thinking about abandoning my ffnet, but you know, people like you (who stayed up all night to read this fic) were the sole reason I willingly came back to this website :) So really, thank you so much for your sweet comment. It means a lot to me! Let's cheer as fellow Jane Austen enjoyers!
Chapter End Notes
HEYA THANKS FOR READING! I'll see you in my next chapter :)))
If you want to know about the progress regarding this story, you can check my writing side blog on tumblr (bluemallow-log)
You can also visit me on my tumblr main blog (spilledsinnamontea) and on my twitter (spilledsinnamon)
My thoughts:
I was actually sceptical about whether I should write Hange's mother in such a detailed way. I mean, I wasn't sure that you all are going to be interested in an OC story. HOWEVER, I decided to just go with it and poured it all in :D
In fact, writing Hannah helped me further grasp Hange's character in this fic. It's fun to speculate about what kind of upbringing Hange might have had (be it in canon and in this fic universe). For me personally, I really think the relationship between parents and children is crucial for the child's development. So yeah I hope you don't mind me psychoanalyzing Hange's character in this chapter :)