Making the decision to talk to Sirius had been easy in the moment but now, sitting and waiting in silence, Harry's stomach was turning. Harry had made it through an entire conversation with Mr. Weasley without having to talk about his hand, detentions, or Umbridge. This was, in his opinion, nothing short of a miracle. On top of that, they'd had a rather... enlightening... discussion about, well, about a lot of things that Harry really couldn't think about right now, or ever, or at least until he was alone, secure in his bed where he could have a proper meltdown that no one would ever know about. But until then, he was going to have to make it through another conversation, this time with Sirius and Remus (which is definitely not what he asked for) without them making a big deal out of the quill.

Totally manageable.

Mr. Weasley shifted in his seat again with a flickering wince. The man was clearly in need of some new pain potions, but he hadn't said a word about it. Hadn't said much of anything since he sent his patronus down to Mrs. Weasley.

Just as Harry started to open his mouth, willing to say anything to break the quiet, Mrs. Weasley made her way through the doorway at a hurried pace. She moved directly to her husband, though she shot a small smile Harry's way. With some surprise, Harry noted that it looked like she had been crying, raising some concern as to just what had happened down in the kitchen while he'd been hidden away upstairs.

As he watched Mrs. Weasley fuss, Harry's neck began to crawl, alerting him to a presence in the hall. Harry didn't turn, wasn't ready to see his godfather just yet, not after Harry had ruined a perfectly nice holiday meal.

Mrs. Weasley took one look at the doorway and another at Harry whose body was angled away from the hall and she took matters in to her own hands. "Remus, dear, could you give me a hand in helping Arthur back down to the kitchen before you boys start? I want to keep him steady on the stairs."

Remus was across the room in a few strides. Mr. Weasley grimaced at the question but accepted Remus' arm without hesitation once offered. The two shuffled slowly out of the room, only stopping briefly for Remus to whisper in Sirius's ear. Harry glanced over and then quickly back away after accidentally meeting Sirius's gaze which was focused intently on him even while he nodded along to Remus.

Mrs. Weasley gathered up the blanket as she continued to glance between the two of them, moving slower than usual. Harry knew that she didn't hold his godfather in the highest regard, thought him childish and impulsive. He was sure she was debating on whether to follow her husband or to wait until Remus returned in order to not leave Harry alone. And so, he was rather startled when she nodded at Sirius decisively and made her way out the room, stopping to brush a kiss on Harry's forehead that he did his best not to startle away from. The soft hand that brushed his hair gently for just a moment after told him he had not been successful in hiding it from her. She lingered at his side for just a moment, face both fond and sad at once, before she spun on her heels and left the room.

Once again, here Harry was, sitting in this large living room on a fancy uncomfortable sofa in silence while another adult surveyed him from across the way. Harry may trust Sirius more than any other adult he'd ever known, but that didn't make this situation any less uncomfortable.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Harry spoke to his knees.

Sirius remained in the doorway. "I was under the impression you asked for us, so I thought I'd let you take the lead this time, kiddo."

A small thrill shot through Harry's chest and he rubbed his hand across it absentmindedly. He didn't think he'd ever fully get used to the way Sirius called him 'kiddo' with such obvious affection. Nicknames, in Harry's experience, were rarely positive. It was a nice change of pace.

Sirius's gaze darted to Harry's hand. "Are you hurting?"

Harry flushed as his hand curled into his own shirt. "No," he whispered, "not really."

Sirius hummed for a moment, leaning more heavily on the door frame. "Those are two different answers."

Harry examined Sirius from the corner of his eye. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"You said 'no' and 'not really' – one of those tells me you aren't in pain and the other that you are. Which is it?'

Well, damn, Harry thought.

"From what I know about you, Harry, I'm leaning towards the second. And I'd really rather you not be in pain. Is it your chest or your hand?"

Green met blue as Harry looked up at Sirius – "How do you, I mean, why...my hand is..."

"We can talk about it in just a moment," Sirius cut him off, though not unkindly. "I just need to know what potion to have Remus grab. So, hand or chest?"

Harry had never been good at lying to Sirius. "Hand," he said. "And, er, my head, too, I guess?" "Anything else?"

Harry shook his head.

"You sure?"

Harry huffed but answered, "And my stomach, but it's fine, really, I swear."

"You being in pain of any sort," Sirius began as he pushed off the doorframe, "is not fine. I'll be right back, let me just call down to Moony." With that, Sirius slipped out of sight, merging into the shadows of the hall.

Harry supposed that, after almost 2 years, he should be less surprised when Sirius acted like this. He'd done it before, the whole 'caring' thing. Hands brushing his hair before leaving on Buckbeak, followed by a reminder to find some chocolate. Staying in an actual cave just to be near him during the tournament. Sure, Sirius may have also let him down – their recent fire call was playing in a constant loop in his mind these days – but Harry could chalk most of those moments up to Sirius being locked in his house or being on the run from the law. Besides, the moments of kindness were more frequent, if quieter, than the moments of anger. Harry still had no idea how to react to either of them.

He didn't have too much time to dwell before Sirius slid back into view, this time stepping into the room fully to lean against the wall, no longer blocking the doorway. He had his arms crossed in a

casual formality that only he seemed to pull off. His attention, as it always seemed to be, was entirely on Harry.

"Moony will be up in just a moment with a few potions." With a small grin pulling at his cheek, Sirius added, "And likely they will be accompanied by a cup of hot cocoa. Moony has always been of the opinion that potions require a chaser of sorts."

Harry gave a noise of acknowledgement, but the thought of any food or drink at the moment had his insides rolling painfully.

The stairs creaked, announcing Remus' return. He rounded the corner at a brisk pace, potion bottles floating over his shoulder and three large mugs balanced precariously in his hands. Sirius pushed off the wall, snagged a mug and a bottle and made his way to the couch where Harry sat.

"Drink this – let's take care of your stomach first."

Harry glanced at the opaque bottle and back to his godfather. "If that's a stomach soother, I can't have it. I'm – "

"Allergic to peppermint." Remus finished for Harry. He looked up from where he was arranging the remaining bottles on the coffee table. Harry's surprise must have been visible, as Remus let out a small huff of laughter. "Your Mum was a fan of candles and you always got fussy when she used any of her mint ones."

Sirius joined in his soft laughter. "Didn't Evans ban chewing gum from the house once she figured it out?"

"Yes, which was a little dramatic since Harry here wasn't even one and definitely wasn't chewing gum," Remus confirmed. "So, no worries, Harry. That's a potion I take after the moon. No peppermint at all."

Sirius moved over to Remus and the table, sorting through the bottles in soft conversation. Harry couldn't seem to look away from them, feeling seen in the most bittersweet way. Here were two adults who knew such personal details about him, and yet Harry hadn't known he was allergic to peppermint until he was 7 and in hospital with anaphylaxis. And that was followed by a bout in the Hospital Wing first year after his first stomach soother. Because how was he supposed to know that there was peppermint in magical potions?

How many other painful moments could Harry have avoided if he had just had one of these men in his life?

Sirius nudged Harry's arm, giving him a stern look. Harry quickly swallowed the potion in hand, grimacing at the texture. The bottle was quickly removed and replaced with another.

"Headache reliever next. Get them down fast and you can have the cocoa."

Harry quickly downed the remaining potions, feeling his muscles relax and the throbbing in his temple reduce. He closed his eyes, trying to appreciate this moment of peace while he had it.

Not a minute later, Harry almost launched himself back across the couch at a touch to his wrist. His eyes snapped open to take in Remus who was sitting on the edge of the coffee table with hands outreached and holding bandages.

"Woah, easy." Remus spoke gently. "Thought we may get a real bandage on that hand of yours."

"No, I, er, no I'm fine."

"It'll just be a moment, Harry, I – "

"Don't touch me." Harry couldn't have stopped the words if he had tried, hands curled to his chest. "Please. I'm fine."

Remus' eyes darted up towards Sirius and back to Harry quickly. He stood and handed the bandages to the other man and retreated back to another armchair with a mug of his own. His face looked more shuttered than it had minutes ago and Harry hated it with a passion that surprised him.

"Don't look at me like that!" he bit out, shuffling away from Sirius who had sat himself on the arm of the couch. "You just told me all about how you know my allergies and now you're staring at me like I am just some, some, random kid. Like you have to care about me or something. Pick a bloody side."

Well – Harry had definitely gotten what he asked for as Lupin was certainly showing emotions now, mug held loosely in his hand and eyes wide.

Sirius looked conflicted. "Harry, that's not fair."

"Yeah, well, life's not fair is it? I'm not wrong – don't touch me!"

Harry didn't remain on the couch this time, moving out from under Sirius' reaching hand and stumbling hard into the other armchair. Sirius stood as well, hands raised in surrender.

"Just don't touch me," Harry repeated, blood rushing in his ears. His hands tightened around themselves, frigid against his chest.

"Got it." Sirius nodded. "Moony and I will keep our hands to ourselves."

Harry didn't move to sit back down, sidestepping to keep the chair between himself and the other men. The distance helped ease the rushing in his ears, but with it came a rising flush up his neck as embarrassment fought to take center stage. "Sorry," he whispered.

Sirius let out a strangled noise. "Don't apologize for that. Please don't apologize for protecting yourself."

"Protecting?" Harry scoffed, "I wasn't, no, I just don't wanna be touched right now. That's all, okay?"

Sirius looked at Remus, hands now splayed as if asking for help. When he received no response, he turned back to Harry, looking uncertain. "I," he cleared his throat, "I don't really know what to say now."

Remus let out a sardonic sound. "Of course you don't. We aren't parents, Sirius"

At least he had picked a side. But, Harry had to admit, it stung quite a bit to have his suspicions confirmed so capriciously. Harry dug his nails into the heel of his palm as he fought not to react visibly to the man's words. "Right, well, thanks for the potions I guess. I can take care of the rest."

"Wait, what?"

"Just hold on a second now..."

"It's fine," Harry continued, shuffling further behind the furniture while both men gave Harry

incredulous looks. "Really, you did you due diligence. Gave me pain potions. Check and check. I'm sure Mum and Dad will know that you, like, fulfilled your duties or whatever. No need to stay with me all night."

Sirius' expression was new, one Harry had never seen before, but he could almost swear it was panic that was dominating his features as he said "I...what?... I don't... Moony, do something."

Remus, for his part, was just staring at Harry. His mouth closed and eyebrows drawn, scrutinizing the boy in front of him. Slowly he asked, "Do you think we are just here with you because we owe something to your parents?"

Harry rolled his eyes as he replied, "I don't think anything – you just said it. And really, it's fine. I'm fine. You don't, like, owe me anything."

"That," Remus began, talking over Sirius's spluttering, "is most certainly not what I just said." "Not in so many words, sure," Harry capitulated. "But I got the message, alright? Sorry it took me

so long, but I get it okay?"

Remus shook his head, waving a hand at Sirius to get him to quiet. "No, it is not okay. Harry, Sirius and I care for you, we aren't just fulfilling a duty to your Mum and Dad. Why do you think that?"

It was Harry's turn to look incredulously at the other two men. He knew he could be a bit dense

but really, this was a bit insulting. "You're joking, right?" As they continued to stare at him, Harry began to ramble "You've both been nice and all, don't get me wrong, but it's always..." Harry wavered for a moment before continuing. "Sirius, it's just that it's always 'James this' and 'James that.' I know you miss him and I am really sorry I can't be enough like him for you but I swear I am trying. And you," Harry turned to Remus, "I didn't even know you existed until third year when you were protecting me...from Sirius. And then you didn't talk to me again 'til this summer when you decided to stay here...with Sirius. So, like, I get it, okay? You're dealing with me because of my dad or for each other or whatever. I guess, I'm just telling you that you're off the hook now."

"Do you really believe all that?" Sirius asked.

Harry gave another small shrug. "I mean, yeah?" he whispered back.

Suddenly Remus rose from his chair, leaving the room in a few large strides and heading down the opposite end of the hallway toward the front door.

"See?" Harry spoke, head turned and jaw clenched to try and push back the water pooling in his eyes. "I was right, he left. Again. It's okay, really. You can go too, Sirius."

But Sirius didn't leave. In fact, he did the opposite and moved closer to Harry, taking a seat at the end of the couch closest to the armchair Harry was using as a barrier. He pulled a handkerchief from his trousers pocket and offered it up to Harry. "No," Sirius spoke. "I can't leave. I mean, physically I can. But I am not going to." He shook the piece of cloth gently. "It's alright, you can take this."

Harry knew better than to put himself back in arms reach. But he also knew to mind his manners. "I'm fine, but thank you."

Sirius set the handkerchief on the couch armrest. "If you change your mind," he added. And then he sat back into the couch, away from Harry's space and away from the piece of cloth.

The silence was oppressive, filling every empty nook of the room.

Eventually, Sirius, who Harry had never seen sit still for more than a minute let alone stay silent, broke the ice. "He didn't leave because he doesn't care about you."

"Could've fooled me," Harry replied. "He looked perfectly fine walking out."

"Fine," Sirius scoffed. "He was anything but fine. 'A quiet Remus is a dangerous Remus .' He's hurt and angry and I am almost certain he left to go punch a wall." Sirius turned his gaze back to Harry's hand. "I'd wager a guess he's having a go at my Mum's portrait, actually."

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because he cares about you and he can't punch himself or anyone else in this house, so she's the next best thing."

"But he doesn't." Harry pushed back, trying to make Sirius understand. "I, he doesn't care about me anymore than he does Ron or Hermione. He only deals with me because of you."

Sirius had never looked sterner than he did in that moment, back straight with hands splayed across his knees. "Harry, that could not be further from the truth."

"Well, explain it to me then!" Harry burst out. "Why didn't he ever try to contact me? Why do I only ever see him because of you?"

"Because I believe that you are better off without me." Remus replied, hovering in the hall doorway. He looked frazzled, hair in disarray and his cloak hanging awkwardly across his shoulders.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "Better off? In what way do you think I was better off? With the Dursleys? Dealing with the tournament of death traps on my own? If you cared at all you, you could've at least, I don't know, wished me good luck or something?"

"You're right. I could have." "Well, why didn't you?"

Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I wasn't sure you wanted me to. You never asked me to stay in touch"

"I wasn't aware I needed to." Harry threw back. He chanced a glance at his godfather, stuck in the middle of this delicate minefield of hurt and disappointment with his eyes darting between the two men stationed at opposite ends of the room. "I just," Harry paused, swallowing hard and adjusting his grip on his wrist. "Why do I have to ask? Why aren't I...why wasn't I enough for you?"

Sirius let out a small wounded noise, sinking back into the couch cushions. Remus had covered his eyes with a shaky hand. "You are enough, Harry."

"Clearly I'm not. For either of you. I just, can you tell me why? Can I, is there something I can do to fix it?"

Harry had sworn to himself that he would never let these thoughts be spoken, that he would never ask for more than what he had been given. What Sirius and Remus had provided him was more than he could have ever hoped for and he didn't want to be ungrateful. But the lack of sleep, the haze of potions, and his previous conversation with Mr. Weasley had left his walls ransacked,

nothing there to slow his thoughts on their way out his mouth.

"There is nothing wrong with you, Harry James. Nothing. You don't have to fix anything for us to care about you."

Harry turned away from Sirius. "Those are just words, they don't mean anything."

Remus removed his hand from his forehead, eyes red and watery and a frown pulling at his cheeks. "I can see why you may not trust what we are saying right now. But," Remus paused again, tugging at his sleeves. "You, Harry, are incredibly important to me – please let me finish," he added as Harry rolled his eyes in response. "Yes, part of the reason is because I loved your parents, they were my dearest friends. But you are important to me because you are you. Because you are witty, and sharp, and stubborn, and impatient, and amazing at quidditch, and unfailingly generous to the people around you. That is why I am here now. And that is also why I stayed away. Because I didn't want to hurt you with my own...issues. I can see that plan clearly didn't work out the way I thought it would."

"I've been only telling you that for years, Moony." Sirius grumbled.

"Hush," Remus replied, "I'm talking to our kid at the moment, keep it down." At this he turned his attention back on Harry. "I said we weren't parents because we aren't, Harry. We aren't Lily and James. And we weren't there for you growing up – some reasons better than others." He shot a look back at Sirius at that. "But," he sighed, "I am here now, if you'll have me?"

Harry didn't acknowledge either man for several moments. While he'd been waiting for an explanation for a while now, admittedly, this wasn't anywhere near thorough enough in Harry's opinion.

"I," Harry began. "I don't know that I believe you?"

Remus' mask slid back in to place and Sirius made as if to grab his hand but pulled back.

"It's not that I don't want to," Harry hurried out. "And I do care about you both. But if I trust you? And you don't mean it? I just," Harry had to force the words through the tightness in his throat, "I'm just not sure I could handle that. It's...easier...when I keep expectations low, y'know?"

"I do," Sirius agreed vehemently. "Without your Grandparents I doubt I would have trusted any adults in my life either." He glanced back at Moony before continuing. "We haven't done this right at all. Some of the mistakes are ours, but some of them belong to others. like – "

"Like Dumbledore?" Harry asked.

Sirius' gaze sharpened as he regarded Harry thoughtfully. He responded slowly, "You could say so, I suppose. I was referring to the rat but, yes, Dumbledore was certainly a participant."

Remus huffed a rough laugh, "He was the one who kept telling me Harry was safe at the Dursley's and to stop looking for him. So, yeah, I'd be fine adding him to the list."

"You looked for me?" Harry asked in surprise.

"Yes, I did. It took me a while to work up the nerve after...well, after. But I tried to gain visitation for years, until you were about 5 or so. Dumbledore insisted that I would just confuse you, that you were happy and safe with no recollection of me. I didn't want to cause you any further pain, Harry."

"But," Harry couldn't stand how weak his own voice sounded. "But that wasn't his choice to make."

"No." Sirius' tone was firm, as he looked between the two. "No, it was not. It should have been mine, and Moony's, and yours."

Harry's eyes, which had been watering for most of the conversation, finally let loose a steady stream of tears. "I hate them," he whispered, brushing the tears off his face impatiently.

"Who, kiddo?"

"Them. I, all of them. Dumbledore, the Dursleys, the Ministry, Umbridge, I just, all of them. They, they just keep ruining everything and, and, and..." Harry took in a deep breath, pressing the heels of his palms firmly into his eyes under his glasses. "I don't want to do this anymore."

"Harry," Sirius called to him. "What don't you not want to do anymore?"

"Any of this! I don't want to go back to school just to fail classes because I'm too tired and watch quidditch matches I can't play in. I don't want to deal with people calling me a liar. I'd never lie about C-Cedric. And I don't want to be in the papers, and I don't want to spend every evening in detention with that stupid toad. I don't want to have these weird dreams and not get any sleep and be angry and snap at all my friends. And I don't, I don't...I just don't want to do any of it anymore!"

Harry knew he'd lost any semblance of control over his emotions at this point, the tears slipping past his palms which were pressing into his face painfully hard. He was well on his way to what could only be classified as a full-fledged breakdown, chest heaving with the force of restrained sobs.

"Kiddo?" Sirius spoke softly. "What?!" Harry sobbed. "Look at me."

And Harry couldn't deny his godfather anything, not now. He opened his eyes to see Sirius' blurry outline with arms outstretched and Harry didn't even think of refusing the invitation as he stumbled back to the couch, collapsing into them. Harry felt Sirius rearrange them for a moment and then felt his hands rest, one on his back and one in his hair.

"Tighter or looser?"

Harry felt like he was breaking apart. Every brick in every wall he had built through his time at Privet Drive, over his years at Hogwarts, during every minute in detention, were crumbling down around him.

"Tighter," he sobbed.

Sirius listened. The arm across his back pulled him closer to the man's chest. The hand on the back of his head gently combed through his hair, encouraging Harry to move more securely into the nook under Sirius' chin.

And Harry cried.