"I'd like you to try something for me," Tara said towards the end of their session that week.
Alex did her best not to pull a face, knowing that Tara's homework assignments were never something she actually wanted to do...though she always did them regardless.
If Tara noted the momentary flicker of annoyance, she didn't comment on it, for which Alex was thankful. "There's a support group that meets weekly for parents of Down's Syndrome children. I'd like for you and Emily to attend a session. You can meet some of the children and speak with their parents. I think it will help you to see just how normal life with a special needs child can be."
Alex was visibly unconvinced – even outright alarmed – by this suggestion.
"I know it sounds, perhaps, premature," Tara assured her, "But I truly believe that this will help lessen your tendency to catastrophize the situation. Or, conversely, maybe you'll make some connections that will help you should the worst case scenario come to pass."
Of all the things Tara had suggested, this was the one that Alex wanted to do the least. But she also trusted her as a therapist and knew that she truly wanted to see her get past her fears and enjoy having a new baby. So, she'd reluctantly do it, in spite of her hesitations.
"I'm proud of you, Alex," Emily murmured, offering her a soft smile as they pulled up outside the community centre. She knew Alex hated those words, but she also needed her to know just how much she admired her strength and courage, especially of late.
Alex gave her a tight smile back, but couldn't seem to muster any words. Whether because she was too anxious to say anything or simply didn't know what to say, neither of them could've said.
Emily turned off the engine, then simply sat there, waiting for Alex to make the first move to exit the car. Only, she didn't. For a few moments, it seemed like maybe she couldn't. Finally, Emily whispered, "We don't have to do this..."
"No," she insisted, "I do. I want to. I just..." She trailed off, shaking her head. She still didn't have the words. She did, however, find her courage, shaking hand reaching for the door handle.
They made it as far as the door to the community centre before said courage seemed to fail her and she stalled on the steps, face going white. Emily reached out a hand to rest on her shoulder comfortingly, offering a soft smile.
Before either of them could say anything, a voice spoke up from behind them, asking, "First timers?" They both whirled around, startled, to find a young couple with a young boy toddling alongside them. The husband offered them a reassuring smile.
Emily glanced at Alex and quickly realized that she wasn't going to be able to respond. "Oh, umm...yeah," she stammered. "It's a long story."
The man nodded with understanding, even though she'd explained nothing. "I'm Matt, this is Kristy. And this little monkey is Luca." The toddler wandered away from his parents towards Alex, proceeding to make grabbing motions in a request to be picked up.
"He's very social," Matt explained, "He doesn't really understand the concept of stranger danger yet – we're working on that."
Alex smiled down at the child and asked him, "Can I pick you up?" Matt seemed about to tell her something, but was saved having to when Alex signed to the boy, "Up?"
He nodded eagerly.
"Wow..." Matt said, sharing a knowing look with Kristy.
Matt and Emily stood on the edge of the room, sipping coffee and watching Kristy and Alex play with Luca. "She's a natural," he remarked.
Emily nodded, soft smile on her lips. "I've always known she would be – she's the only one who doesn't see it."
"Sometimes we're our own worst critics," Matt agreed. "Kristy was the same way when we found out about Luca's diagnosis. But once he was here, she figured it out right away."
"I don't think the problem is so much whether she'll figure out how to be a mother to a special needs baby, but whether she'll be able to forgive herself if it happens." She sighed heavily. "She's already having such a hard time."
Matt made a sympathetic noise. "It does get easier," he vowed. "You never understand why, but you stop asking the question."
She nodded slowly, gaze vacant. "She already struggles so much, I fear that a diagnosis would just be too much for her to handle."
"When something like this happens, you find strength you didn't know you had," Matt assured her.
Luca babbled to himself as he drove a toy car up and down Alex's arm. He'd spent the last twenty minutes sitting in her lap and chatting happily, as if Alex were his new best friend.
"He really seems taken with you," Kristy remarked. "He's normally very chatty, but he prefers to play by himself."
"Is that normal?" Alex asked, smiling down at the boy, mussing his hair tenderly.
Kristy smiled as she watched the two interact. "'Normal' isn't really a helpful word with Down's Syndrome, but a lot of Down's children are very sociable early on." She watched Alex for a moment, then asked, "Do you know for sure yet?"
She shook her head. "We're still waiting on the amnio results."
"Do you want my advice?" Kristy asked. When Alex nodded, she continued, "At the end of the day, that baby will always be your child. Regardless of any diagnosis it may or may not have, you'll still love that baby."
Alex nodded slowly, obviously struggling internally.
"The blame you feel for yourself will go away with time," she added.
Alex didn't seem convinced.
Kristy clearly understood that. "Listen...if you ever want to talk about this – or anything – you can call me, okay?" She offered an encouraging smile. "You'll need a friend, regardless of what that test says."