10

"We don't have to go back," Jasper suggested.

And Bella rolled her eyes as she reached over and pulled her seatbelt on. "Are you going to call and tell him that we aren't coming back?"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "I could take him."

Bella snorted.

"I could!"

"Jay, I love you, but Ben's always kicked your ass, and he'll continue to kick your ass."

"No, he hasn't. He just cheats."

"How does he cheat?"

"I don't know. He uses this weird twin, voodoo to overtake me."

Bella laughed.

"Glad I amuse you, Cricket."

"Stop being so dramatic, Jay," she snickered, laying her hand on his thigh.

He reached down and covered her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm just saying they are going to monopolize your attention, and I'm not going to get to woo you anymore."

"Woo me, huh? Is that what you call what you do to me?"

Jasper nodded. "I do. Or at least, I'm trying to woo you."

"Hmm," she hummed, but pulled her hand out from under his.

"You're still mad at them, aren't you?"

This time, she nodded. "I understand why they didn't tell me, why you told them not to tell me," she said giving him a look. "But I'm still hurt that they knew and let me kiss knowing that you're married." She paused. "Maybe I deserve it, though."

"What? No, you don't, Cricket."

"Don't I?" she asked. "I pushed them away, too, Jay. I did. Alice and I have been best friends since we were five years old, and I cut her out of my life after the accident. She called, texted, thousands of times. I read every single one of them, but I never replied. I wanted to, so many times, but every time I started to, I'd hear her. She'd be screaming, or crying, even laughing, but I'd remember why I pushed her away." Bella reached up and wiped the tear off her cheek. "She and Ben got married and I wasn't there, for fuck sake. I should have been there by her side when she married him, but instead, I was at home with her."

Jasper didn't reply, and when she looked at him, she saw the truth in his eyes.

"That's what I thought."

"What do you want me to say? Was she hurt? Yeah, she was, and so was Ben. They all were. We all were, but we understood that you had to take care of her. We just . . . We just wanted to help."

Bella pulled her feet up onto the front of her seat. "You couldn't help. I didn't want you to see her like that anymore. It was hard enough that I had to deal with her being mean and hateful, angry all the time. I needed her to stay alive in your memories, even if she wasn't the same Renee for me anymore."

"You shouldn't have had to do it alone, either, Cricket."

"Yeah, I know," she whimpered, laying her head on her knees as she looked away. "I miss her, Jay. I miss her so much."

"I miss her, too."

She felt Jasper place his hand on the back of her head before he started the jeep and headed back to the lake house.

—WL—

When Jasper parked in front of the lake house, Bella was unsurprised to find everyone seated on the back deck. They tried to pretend they weren't watching them as Jasper hurried around and helped her out, keeping his arm wrapped around Bella's as they headed up to join their friends. She understood why they hadn't told her, but that didn't make the ache in her heart any easier to handle.

"So, what's the plan for today?" Esme asked, ending the silence that filled them as Jasper and Bella took the two empty seats at the table, between Edward (to Bella's right) and Ben (to Jasper's left). "We could take the boats out?"

"Maybe the skis and wake boards, too?" Carlisle added, his eyes flickering to Bella for a split second before looking away.

"It's like you want me to get hurt again, Carlisle," Bella said, leaning forward and placing her elbow on the table and gesturing toward the scar just below her elbow. "Or have you forgotten how you caused me to scrap my arm the last time we took the boats out. Though, to be fair, I was able to teach you how to do stitches properly."

"Not my fault you thought you would show off and try to jump the wave, only to end up getting tangled in the rope," he quipped. "And I didn't need your help. I would have done them on my own if you hadn't been such nitpicker and let me do my job."

"You slowed down," Jasper pointed out. "But that might have been because Esme was standing in front of you, rubbing her ass against your crutch. Probably made that face again."

Everyone laughed, including Carlisle. "Touché, Jasper. But at least I wasn't too scared to go out after that."

"If someone else had been driving, I wouldn't have been afraid."

"Okay, Jasper," Ben scoffed, giving his brother a look before his eyes shifted to Bella, softening before he looked away and said, "But, hey, I'm up for anything. So I say let's the boats out."

"Me too," Rosalie said, her eyes also flickering from everyone to Bella. "Why not? It's another tradition, right?"

Though, Bella could tell there were a lot of things that needed to be said, needed to be addressed, she was tired and already feeling emotionally drained. This weekend was supposed to be about reconnecting, yet this was the first time she had ever felt like she wasn't a part of the group, and that was undoubtedly her fault.

"You all go without me. I'm just gonna stay here."

Pushing her chair away from the table, Bella turned and walked into the house, through the kitchen, and upstairs to their bedroom. She closed the door behind her and sat on the side of the bed, hugging a pillow against her chest as her tears once again feel freely down her face. The door to the room opened, and Bella looked over, expecting to find Jasper, but saw Ben instead. He stepped into the room and closed the door before leaning against it.

"For the record, I called him every name in the book when he left you."

"He didn't leave me, Ben. I kicked him out."

"He still left, Swan, and he was an idiot. He loved you too damn much to call you one, to tell you that you being stupid and noble and ruining your life and his by kicking him out. But, hell, none of the rest of us did, either, did we?"

Bella shook her head. "How could you let him marry her? Her of all people!"

"You think I let him?" Ben scoffed and pushed away from the door, walked over, and sat next to her on the bed. "Dad and I . . . We told him to go back to you, to fight for you, but Jasper . . . he never wanted to be one of those guys who pushed themselves on the woman they love. It took him all semester to tell you how he felt in the first place."

"I know."

"Did you?"

"Of course I did," she argued. "And I love him, Ben. I love him so much. I do. I just . . . I don't know what to do."

"Maria . . . she fucked him up, Bella. She fucked him up hard. He doesn't talk about what she did, the extent of what she did, but when he came home, he wasn't the same. He just . . . he just didn't smile or laugh. Dad and I tried for months to get him to talk to us, to talk to anyone about what she did. And it doesn't help that she won't sign the fucking papers."

"Why were you mad at Rosalie for daring him to tell me?"

Ben grabbed the back of his neck. "Because for the first time in three years, two months, and sixteen days, Bella, I had my brother back, and I didn't want to lose him again. Not yet."

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears.

"He almost didn't come this weekend."

"Why not?"

He gave her look.

"Because he didn't think I was coming," she said. "You did, though. Why didn't you tell him?"

"Same reason Alice didn't. We were afraid what he would do if we told him and you didn't show."

"That's fair, I guess."

"Look, I'm going to say this, and I'm going to apologize right now for how big of a dick I'm going to sound like, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't break him again," Ben said, his lips trembling.

"Ben, I —"

"I know you love him, and I know he loves you, Bella. Hell, we all love you, but we know after these three days we probably won't hear from you again. For whatever fucked up reason you refuse to see that we're here for you, but he's not going to be able to live without you again, so please, just don't break him again. He won't survive round two."

"I don't want to hurt him, or you, Ben, but my life . . ." Bella stood up and walked over to the window, wrapping her arms around herself. "She blames me. For the accident, for my father's death, she blames me. Never lets me forget that they wouldn't have been on their way home if I hadn't blown them off and came here with everyone instead. It was tradition, I told her. We always came here at the end of the semester. We needed to blow off steam, I told her. Dad . . . Well, Dad said it was fine, let the girl have some fun before med school starts, Renee. She's worked her ass off for four years, graduated with a perfect four point GPA. She deserves some fun. But Mom. . . Well, she wasn't understanding, told me I could spend one night with them, just one with the people who gave me everything, and drive up in the morning, but I didn't want to. I wanted to let loose for a change. I was so focused on school, I'd forgotten what it was like to just have fun, you know?"

"I do. That last semester was brutal for all of us."

Bella nodded as she turned and looked at him. "If I'd just stayed with them that night, they wouldn't have been on the road in the middle of the night, Ben. But I came here, and I got drunk and I had sex with Jasper, and he died and she . . . she changed. So, yeah, she's my punishment for selfish, and only my punishment."

"And how long is your sentence? Huh? How long do you have to give up everything you want?"

"As long as I have to." Bella shrugged her shoulders. "She's my mom, Ben. I can't just abandon her."

"Nobody said anything about abandoning her, but you can let us help. You could answer the phone when we call, or reply to a text. Even the dumb ones that Emmett sends."

She smiled, though her eyes flooded with unfallen tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Ben. For any of you. I wanted to be there more than I've ever wanted anything."

"Except him."

"Yeah, except him." Bella walked over and sat back down on the side of the bed. "How do I let him give up everything for me? How, Ben?"

"You just let him love you, Bells. Just let him love you."

"Letting him love me isn't the problem. It's trapping him in that house with her that is the problem." She lobbed her head to the side. "She loved him, Ben. Always told me how good he was good for me, you know?"

He nodded, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her against him. His lips pressed against the side of her head. "Come out on the lake with us. Don't let her take these three days from you, from all of us."

"Fine," she said, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Let him kick your ass."

"What?" Ben asked, laughing.

"Look, we both know you can kick his ass sideways and forward, but he needs the win."

Ben scoffed. "You want me to throw a fight?"

"I'm just saying maybe you use one hand, or maybe we blindfold you. Give him the edge."

He laughed. "I'll consider my options, but you know, it's kind of my right as the older twin to show my dominance."

"Do it for me?"

Ben groaned, throwing his head back as he stood up. "Fine, but only because you asked me too, and I love you more than he does."

"Nobody loves me more than he does," Bella laughed, shaking her head and stretching her hand out to him. He pulled her to her feet. "I really missed you, Ben."

"More than him?"

Bella shook her head. "I didn't miss anyone more than I missed him."

"Then don't let him go again, Swan."

She shook her head. "Ben."

"I know, I know." He put his hands up in front of him. "Let's get back down there before he and Al think we've ran off together."

"Like they would ever believe that," she scoffed.

Bella followed him downstairs they found Jasper and Alice sitting on the back deck with everyone else. As Jasper's eyes flickered to her, he smiled and she wondered if Ben was right. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to think about what she wanted, and needed, to make herself happy.

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