Hilda and the Substitute Teacher

A parody of Key & Peele's Substitute Teacher

Written by RuminatingKiwi927

The school bell rang hard. All of the Edmund Elementary students were already in the class with chatters, preparing for yesterday's subject. A minute later, someone walked in, but it wasn't Miss Hallgrim. It was a man in business attire, he did not look like a get-along type, in which anyone in the class with that thought would be correct.

"All right. Quiet down students, and listen," he said. The class went silent that instant. "I'm y'all substitute teacher for the next two days because the teacher you know got caught up in some bell business. The name's Mr. Granger and you better remember that because I'm not saying it twice. I taught in the school outside the walls for 18 years, and I made the trolls know when to fear me. So don't even think about playing with me. Y'all catch my drift?" The class nervously hummed in accord.

Mr. Granger then held his clipboard in front of him. "Good, okay. I can't stand the smell of this classroom already so let's get the roll call done quickly…. Jay Orge." Every student in the class looked at each other. "Jay Orge, where is he at? Is there no Jay Orge here?" inquired Mr. Granger.

A hand was raised in the back of the class. "Umm, do you mean George?" said George uneasily.

Mr. Granger put down his clipboard. "All right then. So that's how you want to play, pulling my tongue like that? Fine… I'll be watching you, Jay Orge." He made a V with his fingers, pointed at his eyes, and then George minatorily.

Mr. Granger then returned his eyes to his clipboard. "De fit… Is there De fit here?" The class was silent. Mr. Granger did not fancy that. "I don't have a slip on my desk this morning about a sick student, so De fit better be here or somebody stand up and give me a flamboyant excuse." After that, David raised his hand timidly just above the head. "Yes there?"

"Umm, present." Mr. Granger scrunched up his brows followed by a sigh. "But it's pronounced David."

Mr. Granger checked his clipboard as his face broadened. "You got a bug in your head, kid? 'Cause frankly, it seems to me your mind's not running properly. Say your name again."

"David," he said uneasily.

"What?" Mr. Granger fizzled in disbelief. "Are you trying to have a go at me De fit? 'Cause I can demonstrate my approach on trolls right in this classroom, and mister, you are not gonna like it." Mr. Granger started to drag his dress shirt's yoke with his fingers.

"No."

"I ain't joking. I got it all in here," said Mr. Granger hissingly as he pointed at his chest.

"No." David started to cringe.

"Good, 'cause I'm not fooling around. I'm for real. So you better check yourself." Mr. Granger snapped his pointing finger at David.

He returned to his clipboard. "Friday… Is Friday here?" The class remained silent again as everyone looked at each other. "By the weather spirits. If any one of y'all says something I won't like, I'll make sure this entire class is going to be squeezing water from stone for the next two days. Now for whose name here is Friday, raise your hand now!"

Frida raised her hand. "Actually, my name is Frida."

"Son of a WOFF!" Mr. Granger hooted as he broke his clipboard in two forcefully with both his hands. The class was bewildered. "I didn't like that. Say your name correctly this instant," Demanded Mr. Granger.

"Frida," she said with an unchanged expression.

"No."

"Fri…da?"

"Na ah!"

Frida gave up. "… Friday."

"Music to my ears, wasn't that so hard?" Mr. Granger changed his tone to lenient.

"Next, Hail dee. Where is Hail dee?" The class was so silent, he could hear the wind hitting the windows. "I'm telling y'all that my bark's worse than my bite and I don't enjoy this silence either, so I'm gonna count from 5 for Hail dee themselves known. Five…"

After some restrain, Hilda raised her hand. "Present," she said with a pitch.

"All right, why didn't you raise your hand the first time I asked?" Mr. Granger stared at Hilda with glaring eyes. "The previous ones took an entire bus route for them to answer and I want to know why, so I'm asking you, 'cause I've said your name three times already: Why didn't you raise your hand the first time I asked? Hail-dee?"

Hilda bit her lips. "… Because my name is pronounced Hilda?"

"OH FIDDLESTICKS IN APPLESAUCE!" Hollered Mr. Granger as he swiped the teacher's desk clean with one arm. The desk gears rattled on the floor clamorously. The entire class was taken aback, Hilda was flabbergasted.

"You've got over me real bad now Hail dee!" Mr. Granger pointed and raved at Hilda. "Now get your butt up to Principal Mangunason's office this instant and tell him exactly what you just did!"

Hilda saccaded and blinked for a few seconds. "Who?"

"Principal Ma-Nguna-Son," repeated Mr. Granger.

Hilda arched her brow "… Did you mean Magnusson?"

Mr. Granger promptly inhaled then unleashed: "GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I MAKE MISS DEY ANNE BAKE TODAY'S LUNCH PIE USING YOUR HAIR FOR FOOD COLORING!" Hilda quickly ran out of the classroom in aghast within the first three words, Mr. Granger following her out the door.

"Darn disobedience, loutish. No wonder the atmosphere struck me bad the second I walked in here," said Mr. Granger quickly composing himself. He looked back at his clipboard – at least what was left of it. "Wile Ye?"

Willy raised his hand. "Present," he said casually.

"Thank you!" Mr. Granger appreciated it with a pleased smile.

Later during lunch. Natale, a friend of Trevor, asked him what was about Mr. Granger back then.

"Miss Hallgrim most likely had dictated to him our names, but his spell tongue was so twisted. Between that period before he got in today, something must've happened that made him forget about what Miss Hallgrim said," said Trevor.

"Should we play along? I heard that he made Principal Magnusson consent to everything," asked Natale.

"It's Principal Mangunason. I don't want to know about his troll trick."