Tu le trouveras (A song of love):
AN: Bonjour, my friends! This is my first little Hamilton fic. I discovered Hamilton about a year ago now and I'm very pleasantly surprised how much it hit me and the lessons it taught me (though I know it's not 100% accurate). I fell hard for Lams and I'm a sucker for Lafayette/Mulligan (also automatically Jefferson/Madison), Laf in general, but my heart also beats for the family dynamic between the Revolutionary Set. So, I decided to combine those favourites into this little story. Plus, I got too obsessed with the character of John Laurens and his historically accurate story (it's my saddest hyperfixation to date…) and watched too many depressing Lams videos… Also, Laf 100% calls John Jehan as a nickname. (Where my Les Mis fans at?)
For the supposed song that Lafayette sings to Laurens, I fell into a hole of French music, opera and compositions for hours, but believe it or not, I did not find a single love song that suited me. So it inspired me to write a 'song' of my own. It turned out a lovely little French poem, though I still have no clue whatsoever how to sing this. I originally wanted this to be a one-shot, but as a treat, I'll also post the translation of the poem.
Trigger warnings for self-harm scars, attempt at self-harm and internalized homophobia!
And before I forget, here are the French translations, because I'm going to totally abuse my French skills and bombard you with expressions:
Mon ami= My friend
Oh non, mon ami= Oh no, my friend
Pour l'amour de Dieu= For the love of God
Mon plus cher ami= My dearest friend
Il faisait bien longtemps dans l'histoire, lorsque Aphrodite est apparu au monde. Elle a juré de semer l'amour dans l'entière terre ronde… = It was a long time ago in history that Aphrodite appeared to the world. She swore to spread love throughout the entire round earth...
Pour combattre la haïne et peines, pour donner a la vie un sens, pour réjouir deux personnes, qui s'embrassent tout souriantes. Elle a pensé que tout le monde avait droit a son cadeau. Tous avaient un droit d'aimer, homme, femme, dieu ou animaux…= To fight hate and pain, to give life meaning, to rejoice for two people, embracing each other with smiles on their faces. She thought that everyone was entitled to her gift. Everyone had the right to love, men, women, gods and animals.
Et je sais, tu le trouveras… And I know you'll find him…
Peu importe= Never mind
Merci beaucoup= Thank you
Mon cher ami= My dear friend
All rights belong to Lin-Manuel Miranda, bless this great dude, except my poem. That one's copyrighted.
And now, enjoy heavy tears, fluff and wholesome brotherhood in "Tu le trouveras" …
X-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-X
It was one of the greatest weddings Lafayette had ever attended. Free food and drinks, pretty people and one of his best friends smiling brighter than his queen's jewels. He felt a little pang in his heart- of course, he was a bit sad that the Revolutionary Set would see each other less often than they already did, but Alexander looked so happy that he couldn't help but feel proud of his son in spirit.
The Frenchman looked around the room. Alexander was whirling around with his new bride. Mulligan was flirting with a group of girls, his flower basket still hanging from his arm, which caused Lafayette to laugh a little. Hearing the sound, Hercules looked at him, the mischievous twinkle in his eyes telling the man that he shouldn't sweat it. Come a few hours and he would have him all to himself… Lafayette winked back and played coquettishly with a curl that had loosened from his bun, then let his eyes wander around again.
There was the girl named Peggy, who had walked down the venue with him to claim their seats. She was the youngest Schuyler sister and was chatting with her elder sibling – Angelica, he remembered -, who was dabbing at her face with a handkerchief. Whether it was because of emotions or heat, he couldn't tell from there… Lafayette smiled fondly. They had experienced so much together. Alex, he, Mulligan and… Laurens! He scanned the room once more, curious. Where was his other son in spirit? He wasn't hanging around the ladies, nor stuffing himself at the buffet, so…
There! He was able to catch a glimpse of his curly black hair before he exited the room in a hurry. Lafayette quickly wondered whether he had to be sick – all four of them could hold their liquor quite well – or if it was getting too hot for him in here. But never mind the reason, the Frenchman decided to keep him company. What if he needed someone to hold his hair or an extra jacket if it got cold later? And so, the older man made his way through the crowd and followed his friend.
He slipped through the door and stepped into the corridor just in time to see Laurens disappear around a corner. He broke into a slight jog to keep up with him but kept a distance so as not to be accused of stalking. Lafayette followed him through two more hallways and up a flight of stairs, the younger man apparently too much in a hurry to notice him. Then he opened the door to a room to their left and disappeared inside, shutting the door forcefully after him. His companion cautiously waited for a few minutes to go by, leaning against it and listening for any clue about what was going on with Laurens, but he could only hear steady pacing. Deciding that he had waited enough, he softly knocked two times and entered the room.
Laurens was walking back and forth like a caged tiger, his back to him, so he didn't notice the Frenchman at once. But as he muttered a soft "Hey!", his friend jumped and immediately flashed him a big grin. "He-hey, haha… What's up?" he stammered. "What are you doing in here, mon ami?" Lafayette casually asked. Laurens turned away again, stepping towards the window and leaning on the sill. "Um, I needed some air, it was getting too crowded. But I'm fine, don't worry…" he replied. "I figured," his friend smiled and fully entered the room. "What a lovely evening, I'm having lots of fun," the dark-skinned man started chatting, seeing as Hamilton's close friend was still not turning to look at him.
Laurens made a strange sound and his voice sounded higher when he answered: "Yes, very lovely. So lovely…" Lafayette raised an eyebrow at that change but didn't think much of it. "The pair looks divine, Hercules did a great job," he continued. A gust of wind blew into the room just as the younger man started to shake. "A-Alex looks like an angel. As always," Laurens whispered. It had honestly been just an offhand question to lighten the mood but as soon as the Frenchman had asked: "What do you think about Alex's wedding?", Laurens' crumbling façade broke completely. A desperate, raucous wail tore from his throat and he finally turned around. Lafayette stared in shock at his ashen face, brown eyes full of tears that were steadily making their way down his cheeks and his trembling lips.
"I hate it… I hate it! I can't bear it!" he murmured dejectedly. Lafayette felt his blood run cold. He hadn't seen Laurens so upset since he had told them about his little brother's death. "Oh non, mon ami…" he gulped and impulsively opened his arms, wordlessly inviting him in. Laurens wailed again and threw himself into Lafayette's embrace. He pressed his face into his chest where he fully let himself go and started to weep so hard as if he were at Hamilton's funeral. Loud, ugly sobs were wracking his body and his legs shook so much that they threatened to give out. The older man was losing his balance, so he carefully slid down the door, settling Laurens onto his lap and holding him tighter.
As he was gently running his fingers through the younger man's hair and rubbing soothing circles on his back, Lafayette battled through the haze of shock in his brain. What in God's good name had possibly caused his sweet friend to go to pieces like a jigsaw puzzle? Sure, they had all felt a sting of sadness upon Alexander's announcement that he would marry, but not to the point of sobbing so hard that they had to struggle for breath. "Hey… Hey, shhh. What's wrong? Tell me, please…" he cooed, trying to calm Laurens, but that helped nothing as he continued to weep into Lafayette's chest, only stopping sometimes to take a long, rattling breath. But after a while, as the Frenchman was starting to feel the wetness of the tears soaking through his garments onto his skin and become slightly concerned that Laurens would cry himself into a fainting spell, his friend finally pressed out his first coherent words since he had broken down.
"He was mine first! I loved him, I NEEDED him! Why was I born like this, why couldn't I be normal?!" he cried, hatred and grief intermingling in his voice. "Wh-what do you mean, Jehan? What's not normal about you?" Lafayette asked him, but Laurens didn't seem to hear. Tear-filled eyes staring at nothing, he suddenly started tugging at the sapphire brooch on Lafayette's jacket until it came loose. As he pointed the sharp tip toward his wrist, he whispered brokenly: "Sweet demons, give me the pain I deserve…" Lafayette needed a few seconds to realize what the younger man was about to do but came to the conclusion in time. Heart almost stopping in horror, he gripped Laurens' wrist just as the needle was about to pierce his skin and threw the brooch out of his reach. "What in Heaven… What are you DOING?! Have you gone mad?!" he screamed.
His pale companion didn't reply, eyes half-lidded. Noticing that he was still holding Laurens' wrist in a vice-like grip, the Frenchman was about to loosen it when he noticed something that made his stomach flip: A faint pink line, barely visible under the cuff. With bated breath, he opened the cufflinks and pushed up the sleeve. There was not only one scar, but dozens of them, crisscrossing over his friend's entire arm… Some were a soft pink, others were still an angry red, freshly healing and Lafayette knew that if he rolled up the other sleeve, he would find even more. "Pour l'amour de Dieu…" he whispered through a lump in his throat, tears coming to his own eyes now, "Why are you doing this to yourself? Why didn't you tell us? Please, you're hurting… so badly and I want to know why. Let me help you, mon ami…"
The answer came as a whisper, so quiet he almost missed it, pressed through a throat as tight as a needle. "I'm a monster…" Laurens murmured, "I… I l- I love men. I'm gay." Lafayette stayed silent for a minute, processing the whole situation he had gotten into. Suddenly everything he had ever seen between Laurens and Hamilton made sense. The handholding when they thought no one was looking, the intense looks, the tender touches between them. How Laurens always stood up for Hamilton, even if he could very well protect himself. How whenever they moved into new bases, he always requested to share a room with Hamilton. One day, when he got home late, he swore he could hear moans coming from their room, but he convinced himself he was just dreaming. Now everything made sense. What was going on between himself and Mulligan was basically a summer fling, both had that clear, but Laurens… Laurens truly loved Hamilton like Achilles had loved his Patroclus.
"Oh no… You truly are in love with him, aren't you?", he asked softly, shaken by the revelation. Another sob served as an answer. "You hoped that he would stay with you forever, that you had a chance." "I was stupid! It was so foolish to think I could ever find happiness with him. You must hate me now…", Laurens ranted. "Oh, dear Jehan. Why would I ever hate you?", the Frenchman asked, shocked that he was even saying that. "I mean," the man in his arms cried, "who would not? I'm a monster, I'm a disgrace to society. My mother and Jemmy have been spared by death, they can't be ashamed of me now. My father hates me because of my views of slaves, if Washington ever found out, he would banish me from the troops and now Alexander… Alexander, why didn't you just outright kill me?! Now I shall forever suffer until Death grants me her sweet relief! I shall never find love again!" His sobs grew harder once more and he hugged Lafayette more fiercely as his tears flowed with renewed vigour.
Lafayette felt a sob escaping him as well and he returned the hug. How could his beautiful friend ever have such dark thoughts? He had half a mind to drag Hamilton here and confront him with the damage he had done to this young man, but he knew that Alexander wasn't entirely at fault here either. He would have been expected to find a wife sooner or later and evidently, Eliza and he were a good match for each other. But still, holding the distraught Laurens in his arms, who was talking about himself like the most disdain-worthy monster, broke his heart. How could he have missed all these signs the whole time? How couldn't he have offered a helping hand so much sooner? "Please, John… mon plus cher ami… don't ever call yourself a monster again. Think of the ancient Greeks, Apollo and Hyacinth, Achilles and Patroclus, Sappho, Alexander the Great. Before now, you were revered as gods, your love was safe, it was sacred. Your life is worth so, so much, please realize that…"
Laurens' sobs subsided a little hearing that, pausing to let all the words sink in. But it was only a small moment before he started tearing up again, lamenting: "Why was I born in this century? Why couldn't I have been born in Ancient Greece? Tell me, Lafayette, where did we go wrong, why did our love become something to be hated and scorned? Why do they want us dead?" Lafayette swallowed tears as he contemplated this, while he held his distraught friend tighter and continued to rub soothing circles on his back. "My dearest friend, I wish I could tell you the answer, but unfortunately it escapes me. I don't want to speak badly against the Lord, but certain people who believe in Him think that only some forms of love are accepted. What they don't realize is that God views all love as holy, because He himself is love. But yes, I also wish sometimes that people would view homosexuality as kindly as in the past, especially for your sake. You deserve so much more…"
For a few moments, both of the men were silent, nestled close together, tears running down their cheeks, crying over sacred love lost to the centuries. Meanwhile, the Frenchman's brain was racing a mile a minute trying to figure out how to calm Laurens down. Sure, he had avoided him slicing his wrists with his brooch and he seemed just a little calmer, but his friend was in absolutely no shape to return to the ball and face Hamilton. Also, there was still the window he could throw himself out of… Then suddenly, a thought came to him and a wave of love and gratitude washed over him. With a slight smile tugging at his lips, he sat up a little more comfortably and ran his hand through Laurens' hair to get his attention. Fiery red, tear-rimmed eyes looked up at him, infinitely tired and sad. "My dearest Jehan… I just remembered a song, it's very old, but I think it has just the right words to give you the closure you need," said Lafayette tenderly, "Do you want to hear it?"
After a minute of sheepishly blinking back tears, Laurens nodded almost imperceptibly and sighed: "I think I'd like that. A little bit of reprieve…" His smile growing bigger, the Frenchman turned his friend around so that his head was resting snuggly on his chest, cleared his throat and began to sing: "Il faisait bien longtemps dans l'histoire, lorsque Aphrodite est apparu au monde. Elle a juré de semer l'amour dans l'entière terre ronde…" Encouraged by Laurens' sobs becoming hiccups and the solemn concentration on his face, Lafayette continued on: "Pour combattre la haïne et peines, pour donner a la vie un sens, pour réjouir deux personnes, qui s'embrassent tout souriantes. Elle a pensé que tout le monde avait droit a son cadeau. Tous avaient un droit d'aimer, homme, femme, dieu ou animaux…" And so, he sang the entire song, consisting of eleven verses, his voice soaring with love and emotion, finishing with a soft: "… et je sais, tu le trouveras."
After gently kissing his friend's forehead, he wiped some tears away that were still clinging to Laurens' eyelashes and asked: "Did you like the song, Jehan?" John sighed deeply and nodded. Then he muttered with a small, rough voice: "Very much, but my brain was so foggy I couldn't understand all the words. What was the song saying?" "It speaks of Aphrodite granting her gift to everyone," Lafayette explained kindly, "no matter who. And one day she grants a grieving man the gift of finding his soulmate through an enchanted cord that connects their souls. It's a reminder that whenever you think it's your destiny to end up alone, you shall find each other, come what may." "Are you sure? Because right now I feel as if this very cord has just been violently ripped out of my chest…" Laurens continued defeatedly. Lafayette sighed, hugging him tight. His heart truly broke for the young man, so dejected and feeling so alone…
But he pressed his forehead against the younger man's and smiling through his pain, he repeated: "I know, mon cher Jehan… I know it as certainly as Achilles loved Patroclus." After allowing him to stay in his arms for a few minutes longer, Laurens had visibly calmed down and a gentle smile graced his face. "Thank you so much, my friend. If you hadn't found me when you did, who knows what would have become of me. You saved me," he thanked Lafayette earnestly. The Frenchman swallowed and smiled back compassionately. From the way the younger man had behaved, this wedding could certainly have ended in tragedy if he hadn't decided to follow him… "Don't mention it, darling. It's not your time yet," he said fondly, "What do you want to do now? Do you want to stay here a bit longer? Walk through the gardens with me? Or do you feel alright enough to go back down?"
Different emotions crossed Laurens' face – gratitude, indecisiveness, sadness, nostalgia – before settling on quiet determination. "I… I think I'm ready to face Alex again. I have to be with him for as long as possible before we get separated again and I… wish to treasure every moment we have together. So that at least I will ha- have only the sweetest memories of him in times of anguish…", he declared with a quivering voice which broke at the end. A small sob escaped him and he buried his face in his friend's chest again, but took deep breaths to calm himself soon after, Lafayette holding his hand and rubbing circles on the small of his back to soothe him. When Laurens apologetically looked up again, he just gently said: "Hey, it's completely okay to feel sad, especially if you loved him so deeply. You're entitled to your grief. But what you said was beautiful and absolutely right. Even though you may not be his only love anymore, he loves you still and your memories will always remain."
Then he lifted himself up with a grunt, pulling Laurens up with him. After giving him another tight hug, he held the man at arm's length, studying him. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair was dishevelled and his face and eyes were red and puffy. "Now, you can't go to a wedding looking like this, my friend. You have to look presentable," he playfully chided him. Hamilton's love chuckled sheepishly. "I'm sorry I made a mess of myself," he apologized, mildly embarrassed. "Ah, peu importe, we'll fix this!", Lafayette waved it off with a grin. "Let's start with this beautiful face of yours. Go stand by the window for a few minutes, it will help with the puffiness," he told him. The gentle, cool wind soothed the painful fire in Laurens' skin and in his heart and he no longer felt the desire to let himself fall out of the open window. When he turned back, Lafayette was already waiting for him with a pot of face powder. "A bit of that," he said, dabbing some of the powder onto his friend's cheeks, "and you'll look radiant. Now for the hair…"
The Frenchman untied the ribbon that held Laurens' ponytail together and his black curls flooded around his face like a dark wave. He lightly massaged his scalp before he brought out a comb from his pocket and gently combed the young man's hair. After it was smoothed out, Lafayette asked: "Can I braid it, Jehan? You'll look so beautiful." Laurens nodded eagerly and so, the Frenchman expertly weaved strands around until he had three braids which he gathered into a high ponytail with the rest of the hair. Brushing a stray lock behind his ear, he looked at his friend and whispered: "Mon Dieu, you look absolutely divine, my dear!" Producing a small mirror, he held it up for Laurens to observe his new look. The young man was stunned. A glowing beautiful youth with a beautiful updo and sparkling, if solemn, eyes looked back at him. "If Alex doesn't want to pay attention only to you the rest of the night, I did something wrong," Lafayette grinned.
As a finishing touch, he straightened and smoothed out his friend's clothes and finally decided that he was satisfied with his work. "Oh, Jehan… My boy, you look like Aphrodite herself has blessed you. As if the wedding were for you…" For the first time this painful evening, Laurens smiled from the heart. The corners of his mouth still didn't go fully up, but his smile was sincere and his white teeth were showing. "Merci beaucoup, my friend, for everything you did for me. I will never forget it," he thanked Lafayette, touched, but his voice finally firm. "Mon cher ami, you don't need to thank me, I did it gladly… It's I who has to thank you for entrusting me with the secret you have carried so long with you. I'm always here for you, I hope you know that," the other man said fondly, gently pressing his shoulder, "Now, shall we go? I'll be with you the entire time, whenever you need me." Laurens nodded and hand in hand, the two friends left this fateful room behind.
END OF "TU LE TROUVERAS"
EN: Aah, my friends… I have finally completed this piece that I hold ever so dear! It took months, if not a year to be satisfied with it and I'm so happy I finished it. And I hope that the fandom is active and alive enough to be satisfied with it too. You know comments and likes mean the absolute world to me and I appreciate all interaction. I'll leave you blankets, hot cocoa and tissues for the tears. If you didn't cry at least once, do you even have a heart? Joke, joke, but really, I hope you cried. That means you care as much as I do about this sweet beautiful man that is John Laurens.
Until more Hamilton fanfics, my friends!
Kisses and cake,
Yuna McHill