Life is crazy. I wish I could spend more time writing. ❤️

Elliot wasn't exactly sure how to help her calm down when he felt like he was crumbling. He tried not to jump to the worst case scenario. No one had even talked to the birth mother yet. They had no idea whether or not she wanted Noah or if she was stable enough to raise him. And there were criminal charges…. Plus, they found their baby in the hands of child pornographers. They didn't know how Noah ended up there, but the implications were chilling.

But, even with all that logic he felt his own panic threatening to wreck him. Olivia's choked cry on the other end of the line abruptly pulled him from his spiral. She had already suffered so much . One of them had to keep it together, and he could lose his shit later. For now, for now he would keep her together.

"Come home." It was a half suggestion, half demand.

"I can't."

"Who the hell needs you there right now? Come home. Hold Noah."

"I can't," she repeated the words with a whimper.

His voice dropped, "Liv," he rubbed his temples with one hand. "They don't need you there. Just…just come home."

Silence met him on the other end. An occasional shaky breath broke through the silence, allowing him confirmation of her presence. After an eternity she whispered, "I can't yet. I need," he heard her swallow deeply, "I need to see what they want to do next, and um, what they want from us. "

"Okay," he breathed. His eyes drifted to the kitchen where Brit was focusing intensely on cleaning an already sanitized bottle. He dropped his gaze back to his feet, "I uh, I came home for a minute. I'll just…" he wasn't going to leave Noah now. "I'll stay here, and send Brit home. I don't…I want to be home with him today."

"That's…" Olivia's voice rasped with emotion. "Good. I'll get home soon as I can."

He nodded to himself. "I love you," his voice cracked a little. He loved her, and he hated to see her hurting.

She fought back a sniffle before answering, "I love you too." She took another shaky breath before adding, "Give Noh a kiss for me."

"I will," he promised.

-000-

"What's Noah's social worker doing here?" Amanda wasted no time asking once she exited interrogation.

Liv kept her eyes down on the forms strewn across her desk. She tapped her pen, but all the papers stared at her blankly.

Clearly sensing her friend's distress, Amanda muttered, "Oh shit," under her breath before settling into the chair next to Olivia's. "What the hell is goin on Liv?"

The pen tapping increased in speed, and Amanda watched as her friend painfully pulled the words out from her emotionally wrecked mind. "They found Noah's birth mom," she said simply, eyes still focused on the mind numbing stack of papers before her.

Amanda's jaw dropped, but she quickly recovered, knowing gaping wouldn't help the situation in the slightest. "Wha," she started, but changed course, "wait, who, and why now? How?" She felt like she was fumbling though all the wrong questions, but couldn't quite find the right words to say.

"You've met her. You just spent an hour with her." Olivia said without emotion.

"Ellie?"

"Yeah. Ellie Porter is Noah's mom."

"Birth mom," Amanda elaborated. In this case the specification mattered.

"Yeah. Noah's social worker is going to go over all of her rights, and what it would take for reunification and all of that."

"Liv," Amanda offered sympathetically.

Olivia brushed her off. "We always knew there would be a chance none of this would be permanent." She shrugged. "Not a big deal."

Amanda realized Liv was already in full deny and deflect mode. This conversation would go nowhere. Just as Amanda opened her mouth to try a different tactic, Lieutenant Murphy's voice boomed, "Benson! Head into interrogation."

Amanda sighed, and Olivia's eyes darted to the room where the social worker and child advocate began gathering papers. Amanda watched Olivia stand and brush her hands nervously against her slacks. She straightened herself up and tucked her emotions away. Olivia's eyes never looked back as she made her way into interrogation.

-000-

Amanda —Elliot

A: Are you okay?

E: I'm fine. How bad is she on a scale from 1-10.

A: First of all, you both need to revisit the meaning of the word fine. You aren't fine. There's no way you're fine. And I'd say she's like a 7 or 8. Full deflect and deny, but not imploding.

E: Okay. Better than I thought.

A: I'll let you know how she is.

E: Thanks

-000-

"You have my baby? You have Noah?"

Olivia felt her insides clench, but she answered, "Yes, I'm fostering Noah."

"How is he? Oh my God," she started to cry, "I thought…they told me he was dead. I didn't…I didn't think I'd see him again." Her eyes, still full of tears lifted to Olivia's. "Can I see him?"

Everything inside of her wanted to scream NO , but she provided a more diplomatic answer, "That's not up to me," Olivia answered truthfully.

The social worker stepped in. "We can set up a visit."

"But Ellie," Olivia shoved her personal feelings aside, and tried to keep her focus on the case. "We need your help. We've worked out a deal with the DA, but you will have to testify."

Ellie's eyes immediately glazed over with fear, and she frantically shook her head.

Olivia sighed. "If you don't testify, you will do jail time." She hated herself for using Noah as leverage, "If you want your son back…" Olivia let the thought hang heavy in the air, already knowing Ellie would cave. After all, a mother would do anything for her baby.

-000-

Elliot hadn't heard Olivia come in, but he heard the sounds of someone moving around the kitchen, and assumed it was her. He stepped out of their room quietly, leaving the door cracked so they could hear Noah if he cried.

He had barely approached when she began talking. "I'm not talking about this right now." She began aimlessly opening cabinets.

"Liv," he pressed. She couldn't live in denial forever.

She shut a set of cabinet doors. "I'm not sure what you want me to say," she avoided eye contact. She rummaged through a drawer until she found a dish towel.

"I just want to know what you're thinking." He paused as she ran the dish towel under a stream of hot water. "I want you to talk to me."

She laughed sarcastically. "I'm not sure you want to know where my head is." She shut off the water and wrung out the towel. "I don't know why I think things might work out sometimes. Obviously, that's not how my life works." She pinched at the weave of the towel before her dark eyes surveyed him head to toe, "you might as well disappear now, because God knows it's only a matter of time," hee eyes returned to the counter and she began swiping the wet towel over the surface.

He sucked in a breath, and silently prayed he could find a way to slow her obvious downward spiral.

She turned away, and began wiping down the already clean counter. "You had no problem leaving before." She kept her eyes on the now sparkling granite. "Just get it over with. I think I'll handle it better now instead of a year from now." She picked a small speck of cereal that had permanently adhered itself to the countertop.

He reached across the counter for her hand. Her eyes remained fixed on his fingers encompassing hers. "You can't be serious." He kept his voice low and gentle, in an attempt to slow the impending train wreck. "Liv, there's no way in hell I'm leaving." He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

She pulled her hand away as if she'd been burned. She stepped away from the counter and turned, wrapping her arms around herself. "Just go Elliot. I'll survive. I always do."

He took a step towards her but hesitated. He pinched the bridge of his nose, "I … no." He groaned in frustration. He took two more steps towards her and reached for her elbow, pulling her towards him. She fought to stay away, but ultimately he won when she turned to face him. "There are two people in this relationship," he said firmly, "and you don't get to dictate whether I stay or go." His voice came out a little more fierce than he intended, but it didn't matter, she continued her dismissal.

She rolled her eyes. "Sure. Stay," she pulled herself out of his grasp, "but eventually you will see you made a mistake choosing me, and you will find your way back to your pretty blonde wife. " She spat the words, and he knew she intended them to sting. And they did.

He pulled her back, whipping her towards him. In seconds he had her pressed against the wall, his arms caging her in. He never used his physical dominance over her, but he didn't know how else to yank her attention back to him at this moment. He was angry. He was hurt, but he knew she was too.

He opened his mouth to say something, but even with her back literally pressed against the wall, she continued to provoke him. "Admit it." Her voice remained low. Their faces were so close that their noses nearly touched, "I'm a placeholder. A mistake . Something that derailed your life. Eventually you will see how wrong you were for choosing me.." she chuckled ironically, "You will seek absolution, and all of this will be nothing. I will be nothing but the mistake, the accident that I've always been." He internally winced, knowing much of what she was saying stemmed from her deeply rooted belief that she was and always would be a mistake. "I will become a painful regret that you resent. Maybe you should get out now before one of us gets hurt." Her voice shook with all the pain and fear bubbling inside of her.

Her wide brown eyes bore into his, and a stabbing pain began pounding into his chest with every rhythmic beat of his heart. In her eyes he read the truth. She truly believed every word she just said, and it tore him apart.

Without thinking his lips fell on hers, hard. He felt her palms pressing into his chest, but she wasn't pushing him away, not really. She became a passive participant, but he knew what she was capable of. He knew that fear was running the show, and he'd be damned before he let fear ruin them. She needed to wake up. She needed to remember how much he wanted her. How much he needed her. How much they needed each other.

He deepened the kiss, and she lightly acquiesced. She let out a whimper when his thigh pressed between her legs. He drug his lips down the column of her neck, grazing his teeth as he went. He pulled her earlobe between his lips, releasing it as he breathily spoke in her ear. "I'm not going anywhere." His lips trailed down her chest. " I love you." He kissed along the v of her shirt, pausing to suck the tender skin between his teeth. Her chest rose and fell in rapid succession, and she let out another whimper when his mouth again found hers.

He pulled back a fraction of an inch and his lips brushed hers with every word. "You own me. Body and soul, Liv." His lips brushed along her cheek bone with a soft whisper of a touch. "I could never leave you." He kissed her gently, "you are everything ."

She bit her lip, and pinched her eyes tightly shut, but she couldn't hold back the cry that escaped her lips. "I can't do this. I can't let him go,"

His hand brushed through her hair, "I know." He murmured. "I know."