Jennie
"Oh my God! You guys are doing it all wrong. Obviously we need to go over these rules one more time. The dinner roll needs to be thrown under hand at the ceiling fan. That's the only way you'll get the arc you need for a good pitch. We're not going for speed, people. We're going for accuracy. Someone pop another batch in the oven so we can start the third inning for fuck's sake!"
After my mother finishes her explanation, she hefts the wooden cutting board up to her shoulder by the handle and readies herself for the pitch.
"Lisa, if you bend over like that in front of me again, I might have to grab that sweet little tush of yours and call your mother and thank her."
I'll toast to that.
I raise my wine glass in the air for a toast while Sehun does a couple of practice throws.
"I got this one, Mom. Dear Mrs. Manoban, thank you for pushing Lisa out of your vagina and having such good genes that she has the most perfect ass I've ever seen," I say with a snort and a wink in Lisa's direction.
"Um, thank you?"
My eyes go wide and with my wine glass still held above my head. I turn around slowly and find Lisa's parents standing in the dining room doorway looking around at the scene in front of them in shock and awe...but mostly shock.
In hindsight, I should have known better than to listen to anything my mother suggests. Lisa's parents had canceled coming to dinner at the last minute because her father was feeling under the weather. How was I supposed to know they would just show up an hour after dinner was over only to find me talking about her vagina, her daughter's shirt tied around her forehead, my dad sitting in the far corner of the room with a bowl of mashed potatoes in his lap, Sehun wearing an apron that said, "I didn't wash my hands before I fondled your meat," and Doyeon and Minnie crawling on all fours around the kitchen table, eating the broken pieces of dinner rolls off of the floor and giggling.
From now on when my mom says, "Beating a dead horse around a bush during a blue moon won't fix anything," I'm going to plug my ears and walk away.
Two hours earlier
"Does it make me a bad person if I feel really bad that your dad doesn't feel well, but feel even worse for myself because I did all this work and now they won't see it?"
Lisa laughs and uncorks a bottle of wine.
"I still can't believe you thought their anniversary was the perfect day to have my parents over for dinner."
She pours me a glass of wine as I slide on oven mitts and pull the roast out of the oven.
"Dada, I wanna help cook the food. What can I make?" Gabi asks as he comes bounding into the kitchen.
"Well, I think Mommy's got everything just about done. How about you take people's coats as they come in the door?"
The doorbell rings and Gabi, happy with the chore he has just been given, scampers off to see who is here.
"I know. It was a crazy idea to do this on their thirtieth anniversary, but I just wanted them to come here, have a nice, family dinner and see that I can be a normal, well-balanced adult. What better day to do that than on a day where everyone has to rejoice in their love, and it would be against the spirit of the marriage in general if anyone said the words whore, vagina, or penis out loud?"
I set the roaster pan on top of the stove and toss the oven mitts onto the counter. The sound of Gabi answering the door puts a halt to our conversation.
"Hi, Uncle Jim. Give me a dollar and I'll cut you."
Lisa hands me the glass of Chardonnay and sighs.
"How did he go from, 'Can I take your coats please?' to 'I'm going to murder you for ringing the doorbell.'?"
I shrug and take a sip of the chilled wine.
"Maybe it's a blessing in disguise your parents couldn't come. I think we need a trial run to get this normal thing down pat first," I tell her with a smile.
"I am not going to say I told you so," Lisa says with a kiss to my cheek.
"Good. Because if you did, I'd have Gabi take your coat and shiv you."
Lisa walks out of the room when the doorbell rings again to make sure Gabi doesn't make good on his cutting threats.
With my wine glass in one hand, I start placing serving spoons in all of the side dishes and then pull out the big carving knife so Lisa can cut the roast. While I work, I listen to the sounds of a football game coming from the television in the living room and my family and friends talking quietly amongst themselves as they show up. Even if Lisa's parents couldn't make it, I know it will still be a good day and a great dinner.
"Jennie Bear! Who is this sexy beast you have answering the door for you now?"
I choke on a mouthful of wine and turn to see my mother walk into the room with her arm linked through Lisa's. "Have you been working out, Lisa?" she asks as she rubs her hand up and down her bicep.
"Mom? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to an art gallery opening?" I ask.
She lets go of Lisa's arm and practically skips across the kitchen to me, wrapping me in her arms and squealing in delight.
"Nonsense! When you called the other night and said you were nervous about making a good impression on Lisa's stuffy parents, I knew I needed to be here for my best girl," she explains as she pulls back and fiddles with a lock of my hair that has come loose from my pony tail.
"Oh my God, Mom! I never said her parents were stuffy!" I argue as I smacked her hand away from my hair. My mother, while well-meaning, treats me more like a best friend than a daughter and possesses even less of a filter between her brain and her mouth than I do.
I give Lisa a look of embarrassment and beg her with my eyes to not listen to a word she said. My mother continues talking like I'm not even there.
"Now, Lisa, you look positively yummy and not at all tired. Shouldn't you be exhausted from staying up all night sleeping with my daughter? Jennie, why aren't you keeping this one up until the wee hours of the morning having lots of sex?"
"Jesus, Mom! Can you tone it down a bit please?" I beg.
Lisa had met my mom the day we moved in when she came to help us unpack and has stopped by for dinner several times since then. She is quite familiar with the way she acts but that doesn't mean I can't try to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
"What? Can't a mother be concerned for her daughter? I just want to make sure your vagina doesn't get full of cobwebs like before. Those things can take a pounding so don't worry about breaking anything. I once pulled a muscle in my vagina. Did I ever tell you that story?"
So much for the no vagina talk today.
I chug the rest of my glass of wine, reach for the bottle on the counter, fill the glass back up, and then took a swig right from the bottle before setting it back down.
"Mom, did I tell you dad brought Sue with him today? You know, the woman he's been seeing? She's really nice. And never, ever talks about pounding vaginas. Ever."
I think maybe making my mom a teensy bit jealous will deter her from all things inappropriate but sadly I'm mistaken. Sometimes I still forget just how cordial my parents divorce was.
"Ooooooh goody!" she squeals, clapping her hands together like a two-year-old. "I've wanted to meet her ever since your father first told me about her. We have so much to talk about. I wonder if he's used his Sean Connery accent on her yet and tried that move where he puts his foot on the headboard and then thrusts-"
"STOP! Jesus Christ, please stop," I plead before taking another big gulp of my wine. "Lisa, can you let everyone know dinner is ready and we're doing it buffet style. They can all come in here and fill up their plates before sitting down at the table. If you need me, I'll be in here with my head in the oven."
--
An hour later everyone is still picking at their food after going back for seconds and thirds. My mom sits next to Sue and the two of them have been whispering and giggling like school girls through the entire meal, stopping every once in a while to glance over at my dad before falling into a fit of hysterics all over again.
"Hey, Jennie, does this apple pie have nuts in it? I don't like nuts," Sehun states.
"I like nuts. Nuts are delicious," Gabi pipes up, taking a big bite of apple pie to prove it.
"Well, I don't like nuts," Sehun argues.
"Guys, that's enough nut talk," Doyeon complains as she pours herself another glass of wine from the bottle in the middle of the table.
"I'M GOING TO PUT MY NUTS ON ALL OF YOU!" Gabi yells through a mouthful of food.
Lisa clamps her hand over Gabi's mouth and then leans over to quietly tell him it isn't polite to yell at the table.
"So, Jennie's mom, do you have any good stories to tell us about your little cupcake when she was growing up? Any slumber parties with naked pillow fights or lesbian experimentation?" Sehun asks.
"What's a lez bean? Is that like a lima bean? I don't like lima beans. I am NOT going to eat a lez bean," Gabi declares.
"Oh, you'll change your mind about that someday," Sehun tells him with a wink.
"Gabi, how about you go pick out a movie, and I'll put it on in the living room?" Lisa suggests. She obviously doesn't want our son learning about the fine art of carpet munching just yet.
Gabi lets his fork clamor to his plate, jumps down off of his chair, and takes off running to the DVD shelf in the living room.
"Sorry, Sehun, my childhood was pretty uneventful," I tell him, bringing the conversation back to the original subject. "No one has anything even remotely interesting to tell," I inform him as I hold my glass across the table towards Doyeon so she can give me a refill.
My mom nods in agreement and gives Sehun a sad look.
"Unfortunately she's right. Jennie was a very boring child. She liked to read and take naps. We used to invent things to do just to mess with her and try to fuck her up a little bit. She was entirely too well-rounded. It was disturbing. George, remember that time you had your friend Tim call the house when she was eight because she wasn't listening to you? Didn't he pretend he was Santa Clause?"
My dad leans back in his chair and comes an inch away from sticking his hand in the waistband of his pants in post-dinner bliss before he realizes he isn't alone in his own home. He quickly switches directions and moves his arm to the back of Sue's chair.
"Yep, she was being a mouthy little shit so I had Tim call and put the fear of Santa into her," he says with a chuckle.
"Hey, that wasn't funny. He told me I was a very bad little girl and that he'd been watching me. He said he lived in the basement and came up at night to watch me sleep. He's the reason I still take the basement stairs two-at-a-time when I run up them and why I called America's Most Wanted when I was nine because there was some killer on the loose hiding in people's basements," I explain. "I told them the killer was Santa, that he called me the year before, and that he was probably still in our basement."
"I remember that afternoon. The police questioned us for two hours so they could make sure we weren't harboring a criminal," my mother states. "That was such a long, boring day."
"No, don't worry about me. I was totally fine," I deadpan.
"Oh quit your bitchin'. It wasn't that bad. You're still alive, aren't you?" my dad asks. "And don't lie, Rachel. They only questioned us for about thirty seconds. Then you asked them if they wanted a joint and all was forgotten. Cops were way more fun back then," he says to the rest of the table.
I turn towards Lisa. "Never, ever ask me again why I am the way I am. NEVER. AGAIN," I whisper.
"I did walk in on her playing with her Barbie's one time, and she had them all undressed, humping each other. It was some weird sex circle, and Ken was sitting in the middle just watching them, fully dressed. I wanted to light some incense and set the mood for her, but then I saw she had one of the horses in the circle of sex and it just got disturbing at that point. I never knew Barbie was into bestiality," my mother states solemnly.
I lean forward and start banging my head softly on the table.
"Nice! Getting freaky with the Barbie dolls. I like it," Sehun exclaims.
"I think in honor of this family dinner, we need to remember the best part about our holiday dinners, Rachel," my dad tells her with a gleam in his eye. "Ceiling fan baseball."
My parents start laughing as they remember dinners of the past, and I just continue to bang my head harder.
This was supposed to be a nice, peaceful dinner.
"Oh my God! I remember ceiling fan baseball from high school!" Doyeon says excitedly. "Except didn't we play it with tater tots a few times?"
"Yes, we've been known to make substitutions," my mother states.
"Okay, what the hell is ceiling fan baseball? It's not what I think it is, right?" Sehun asks as he looks back and forth between my parents. They each look at me expectantly. Doyeon is practically bouncing up and down in her chair in excitement.
Oh what the hell.
I roll my eyes and drain my glass of wine in one gulp, slamming it back to the table with a thunk.
"Alright, fine. Lisa, grab the wooden cutting board with the handle. Doyeon, put all the extra rolls on the stove into a basket. Jim, turn the ceiling fan on low and Sehun, move the table to the side."
Everyone stares at me with their mouths open for exactly three seconds, and then they all jump into action and start gathering supplies.
"I'll get more booze!" Minnie announces happily.
"I got the mashed potatoes," my dad states casually.
"What do we need mashed potatoes for?" Lisa asks as she walks back into the room with the cutting board, a.k.a "baseball bat".
"Jennie, this one is hot as balls but he's kind of dumb," my mother says as she pats Lisa's cheek affectionately. "The mashed potatoes are the catcher's mitt. Duh."