Thranduil: Do you really think he'll be happy to see us?
Bard: Well, not us specifically, but the big diamond maybe.
Thranduil: Honestly, I think he'll be a little bit pissed.
Bard: Why would he be pissed? Surely he'd be overjoyed that we're keeping his big diamond safe for him.
Thranduil: Hmm…okay, let's say hypothetically he's pissed about it…
Bard: Hey, that's not very nice.
Thranduil: Huh?
Bard: You called him high pathetic, meaning he's very incompetent, right?
Thranduil: That's not what that…
Bard: See, this is why I should do the talking. I'm much nicer than you.
Thranduil: …you know what? Sure. Let's see how that goes for you.
Bard: Exactly. If we let you do the talking, he'd just attack us, which would be a bad idea because we have a wizard with us.
Gandalf: Honestly, I'm just here because I need to talk to him myself.
Bard: Hey, maybe you can convince him to give up some of the money so we can finally rebuild our town?
Gandalf: He better be willing to give up something. I got him halfway here, he owes me.
Thranduil: Don't you think you would have been of more use here helping them deal with the dragon?
Gandalf: Yeah, but the story wouldn't have been as good if they just had a wizard to nuke the lizard, would it?
Thranduil: Ah yes, and having some unknown citizen of Lake-Town do it makes for a better one, does it?
Bard: Hey, Eugene wasn't that unknown.
Thranduil: Who?
Bard: …yeah, okay. Anyway, we've been standing outside their gates for half an hour now, should one of us maybe knock?
Thorin: No need, we saw you when you arrived and were wondering what the hell you were doing out there.
Bard: Oh, hey buddy…
Thorin: Not your buddy, what the fuck do you want?
Bard: We were just wondering if you'd finally decided to be nice and share some of your gold with us yet?
Thorin: Now why the hell would I do that?
Bard: Okay, we'll just take our big diamond and…
Thorin: What big diamond?
Bard: Oh, just this one *reveals the Arkenstone*
Thorin: …where the fuck did you get that?
Bilbo: *quietly* Please don't say me, please don't say me, please don't say me…
Bard: Some random hobbit gave it to us.
Bilbo: FUCK!
Thranduil: I thought we agreed we weren't going to mention Bilbo.
Bard: I didn't, I just said some random hobbit. He can't make any assumptions from that. You, on the other hand, just said his name.
Thranduil: Tell me: how many other hobbits are in this area?
Bard: …there might be others.
Gandalf: Yeah Thranduil, you just endangered Bilbo.
Thranduil: I doubt he's in that much danger.
Bilbo: *as Thorin is shaking him over a high ledge* I BEG TO DIFFER!
Thorin: *shaking Bilbo* YOU MOTHERFUCKER! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE ONE THING I WANTED OUT OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING QUEST!
Bilbo: Yeah, and how dare you guys wreck my house. Which, by the way, I'd like to go back to. Preferably with enough money to fix everything.
Thorin: Do you honestly think I'm going to give you a single piece of gold after pulling a fucking stunt like that?
Bilbo: Yes, because you'd be dead multiple times if it wasn't for me.
Gandalf: THORIN! Drop him.
Thorin: *still holding Bilbo over the edge* You should really think about what you say before you say it.
Bilbo: What do you… *gets dropped* AHHH! *hits the ground* Son of a bitch.
Thorin: I'm surrounded by traitors. People who will gladly rob me of my hard-earned riches, that I did everything to get.
Bilbo: I'd like to hear how you justify that.
Gandalf: Thorin, you're not acting like a good king.
Thorin: And you're acting like I give a shit. Now, give me back the Arkenstone and get the fuck off my property.
Bard: Okay, here you go.
Thranduil: Actually, we should hang onto it.
Bard: But he asked for it back so nicely.
Thranduil: And how much money has he given you to help rebuild the town?
Bard: *sigh* Sorry buddy, but Thranduil's making me keep it.
Thranduil: I'm not making you do anything.
Thorin: And I'm not you're buddy. Now fuck off *goes back inside the mountain*
Dwalin: So, how'd it go?
Thorin: Get word to Dain to get here as quickly as possible. Bilbo has betrayed us and given the Arkenstone to the enemy.
Bombur: Bilbo? Never…
Thorin: Wait, weren't you on guard duty last night? And what smells like semen?
Bombur: Never you mind.
*the next day*
Balin: Sir, I can see Dain's army approaching.
Thorin: Excellent.
Fili: Unfortunately, the humans and elves are blocking them from approaching.
Thorin: God damn it.
Kili: Also, a couple of humans are approaching.
Thorin: *sigh* Do they not know what 'no' means? *goes to the entrance*
Keith: Hey, you got the money?
Thorin: You got the Arkenstone?
Dave: Right here *shows him the Arkenstone*
Thorin: Great, give it here.
Keith: First, the money.
Thorin: Well, I guess we're at an impasse, because I ain't giving you shit.
Dave: Fine, we'll take our Arkenstone and go home.
Thorin: It's MY Arkenstone, and you don't even have a home to go back to.
Keith: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Thorin: Why you…
Gandalf: Oh, by the way, the goblins are coming.
Bilbo: And how long have you known that?
Gandalf: About a week.
Bilbo: And when will they be here?
Gandalf: About an hour.
Bilbo: And you didn't say anything before because…
Gandalf: It didn't seem like the right time.
Bilbo: WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY GOBLINS! The second you know about it is the right time to tell people.
Gandalf: And that's why I'm telling you now.
Bilbo: *sigh* Whatever *to Thorin* Hey, you hear that? We're being attacked by goblins.
Thorin: I don't care, traitor.
Bilbo: But they're coming after you because you escaped them back in the Misty Mountains.
Thorin: Not my problem.
Gandalf: I think we both know that's a lost cause.
Bilbo: I know, I just thought he might reconsider his stance.
Gandalf: Naïve idiot. Let's just get Dain and his men to help us.
Bilbo: Will they help?
Gandalf: Of course. Do you have any reason to suspect they won't?
Bilbo: It's just that, whenever someone's told me to trust them on this journey, the worst possible outcome seems to happen.
Gandalf: Well, that won't happen this time.
*after explaining everything to Dain*
Dain: Alright, we'll help ya.
Bilbo: Huh, wasn't expecting that.
Dain: Of course, we're only doing this because goblins are a bigger threat than you people, and since we're here to help Thorin we'll kill whoever's left afterwards, but for now we have a truce.
Bilbo: There it is.
Bard: You've got yourself a deal, Mr. Dain sir.
Dain: That's King to you, human.
Bard: Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. King sir.
Dain: No, as in…
Thranduil: Trust me, it's not worth doing this argument.
Dain: *sigh* Fine, I'll finish this argument later.
Thranduil: Excellent. Gandalf, when are they going to be here?
Gandalf: *pointing to a nearby hill* That long *everyone sees the goblins riding over it*
Thranduil: This seems like a lot less than an hour.
Gandalf: I'm an immortal being. Time doesn't mean the same to me as it does to you.
Thranduil: You know I'm immortal too, right, and even I…
Gandalf: Doesn't matter now. TO BATTLE! Where's Bilbo?
*under a nearby tree*
Bilbo: *putting on the ring* I am so fucking done with this shit *yawns* Hopefully I'll wake up and this will all be over *goes to sleep*
*several hours later*
Bilbo: *yawning* Ahh, what I nice… *sees the battle is still going* What the hell? How's it still going on?
Gandalf: Did you think a war would be over in a matter of hours?
Bilbo: The fricken eagles are here. What more do you need?
Lord of the Eagles: *in the distance* Only because they thought they could get back at us for saving you last time.
Gandalf: We need more help though. Now, start stabbing.
?: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker *Thorin and company burst forth from Erebor, and start slaughtering goblins*
Bilbo: You know what? One more sleep should finish this fight for me *goes back to sleep*