This week there will be two chapters as they are very closely related…

Hope you enjoy

xx

Where two worlds collide again...

„Can I ask you something?"

He smirks and I know exactly what he's about to say.

„You just did." Smart ass.

"How did you overcome your touching phobia?" I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

Christian sighs. "Do I really have to tell you?"

I'm surprised he feels obliged to tell me just because I've asked. That's certainly some progress to a few months ago where I had to squeeze just every little detail out of him.

"You know the answer to that." I say. Christian stays silent for some time before letting out a deep sigh.

„For a long time I thought I don't want to be touched. But I do. It's just that I can't bear it." he confesses.

„Christian. You were abused as a child. Some people never overcome that kind of trauma. Some become psychopaths and serial killers. You're none of those. I'd say having a fear of being touched is.. reasonable."

„You're going to accept that? Just like that?" he asks incredulously. I cannot help but laugh.

„I already have, haven't I? It's not such a big deal for me to accept your limits. Don't get me wrong I'd love to but I'd never want to cause you any pain." I remember him crying, it did hurt to see him like this.

Why is he looking at me like that out of sudden?

"I might have.. Practiced some stuff with Flynn." Why is he so embarrassed? That sounds awesome!

"What kind of stuff?"

"We've been tackling this for a few years now with some success. I couldn't be touched at all when I was younger. With or without clothes." Christian is clearly uncomfortable telling me this. Does he think that this makes him look weak again?

"So.. I tried to just go for it. Exposure therapy as Flynn suggested. With you. It did work out, didn't it?"

I can't help myself and rub his arm in a loving motion.

"You were amazing." I can't imagine what kind of willpower it takes to overcome the desire to scream and shout when tackling a manifested phobia.

"Yeah, right. Fucked up me giving a hell of a show." He grunts with a bitter smile and turns around to put some distance between us.

„Why do you always repeat that you are fucked up?"

His smile vanishes instantly. To my surprise he doesn't answer me at all.

„I know this is kind of serious talk early in the morning but I just wondered where that came from?"

„Isn't it obvious?" he asks and I can't categorize his expression.

„I mean there certainly is a lot about you that is… unconventional and extraordinary. But I always wondered what part of you you would label as fucked up. I'm pretty sure you're not referring to your liking for bondage and stuff."

„You're right. My sexual preferences aren't fucked up.. Anymore."

„What does that mean?"

„I used to channel my anger at my submissives. That was a long time ago."

„So you stopped being angry?" I don't need to know the reason for that said anger. Abuse as a child isn't something to let go of easily. Christian just shrugs. I wonder if he's just a vessel full of pressure about to explode or someone who's capable of taming his anger. Deep down I know it's the later.

„I don't know what to say." His answer surprises me. He came so far as to judge himself but he cannot say what it is that he judged.

„If it's not your sexual preference and surely not your past with Elena. What is it that you'd call fucked up?" I try again.

„I guess my hapephobia is one aspect." Christian just ignores my remark about her.

„Sure, it's inconvenient. But would you go as far as to call someone with a phobia as fucked up?"

„Why are you clinging onto that expression. It's just something that slipped my tongue."

„It actually says a lot about how you perceive yourself."

„Great. So you're a therapist now?" he hisses and I'm astonished how he doesn't see what I see.

„Christian if you're uncomfortable talking about it you can just say that. No need to be bitchy about it."

„Why do you even care so much?"

„I just want to understand you better."

„You know more about me than anybody else. Isn't that enough?"

„It is. But I feel that.. I don't know how to phrase it without you biting back at me." His expression changes to become softer… more like the sweet, caring Christian I know. I probably hit a nerve with that.

„You contradict yourself. What you say and what you really feel… they diverge immensely. Somehow you haven't figured that out yet."

„Ana. You cannot fix me."

„Ugh, I hate that word! I don't think that you need any fixing. What would I even need to fix in the first place?" he remains silent. „There's no answer, right? See. Again you contradict yourself."

"You said it yourself! That I was broken!"

Yeah, that embarrasses me beyond measure.

"I was wrong. Period."

„My birth mother was a drug addict and a whore."

„That doesn't make you fucked up." This feels like a tennis match, each of us just throwing arguments at each other.

„I've had sex with a hell lot of women in ways you can't even imagine. Some of them I paid to have sex with me. I did all sorts of things with them which would be outrageous to the public and frankly you if I'd lay open all the glory details." Is he trying to prove a point here?

„You just said you're sexual past isn't the reason you said that. Besides that… as long as it was consensual, I don't see a problem with that. Other than that…" Christian eyes me suspiciously.

„…you pay me to have sex with you, remember?"

„Payed." He says.

„Sorry?"

„I payed you. And only on our first meeting. After that I just payed to see you. Having sex was just something that happened on its own." I didn't realize I was talking in present tense. Of course he wasn't expecting me to be intimate with him just because we still have „Escort" weekends, right?

„Okay." I say and hope to get back to the main topic. „You still haven't answered me."

„You want to talk about Elena right?"

„If that's the real reason you said that, yes."

„No. She isn't. Ana. I never had a normal life. You know all this. I was… a loner. Brawling. Drinking. Fighting. After that, I just kept being a very private and closed up person. Maybe too secretive than necessary. It was kind of fucked up."

„Why did you see the need to hide your submissives? You could have introduced them just as girlfriends, a lot of dom/subs are in committed relationships. Nobody needed to know what it really was. It would have spared you a lot of speculations about your sexuality. Besides being easier to handle too. "

„I just didn't want to."

„Why?" Can't he see?

„Ana, let it go."

„Let go of what? Christian, why are you trying to be deaf and blind?"

„What do you want to hear?! Yeah, maybe she did ruin my idea of relationships. Maybe I didn't even consider it. Maybe that's all I knew."

Finally.

„Maybe you aren't fucked up…Maybe someone fucked you up?"

„That's enough Ana!"

„Why are you so angry? You always encouraged me to be honest with you.. Talk to you."

That stuns him.

„Isn't it enough that you turned my life upside down? Why are you trying to make me someone I cannot be?"

Now I'm the one that's stunned. I didn't feel like I was trying to change him. He always described our relationship as a positive change, that was all. How comes he makes me the bad guy here?

„I didn't know you felt that way…" I stand up to walk to the window.

I can hear his sigh.

„I don't. I like what we have. I just don't understand what you want to hear."

„You surprise me, Christian. You really do." I turn around to look at him. How can he be so oblivious to all of this? He knows the truth, he just doesn't want to commit to it. Maybe the pain that comes with the realization is greater than the pain that results from his self hatred.

„I'm going to help you with that, Christian. Your sexual preferences, your contractual relationships, your phobias and commitment issues. Even your horrible childhood. All of those don't make you fucked up. Some of those make you different.. Yes. Limited maybe. But the only thing that's fucked up about you is that you've covered up for a woman who sexually abused you and you still befriended her. You still support her. Funny, how that's one of the only things you have no judgement towards." The more I talk the louder my voice gets.

Christian stares at me. I wonder if he's about to explode. Leave. Or kick me out for being rude.

„That's the real fucked up thing here and you fucking know it! " Those were a lot of fucks from my part.

Why am I so angry? I have to remind myself that most of this isn't his fault. Elena groomed him. He doesn't know any better because she made him believe that all of this was based on his decisions and his consent. Maybe he couldn't live up to my expectations. Indeed, I was trying to make him someone he cannot or does not want to be. Maybe I am more angry with myself. Somehow I have subconsciously made him a knight in a shining armor to save the day.

At the same time I want the best for him. Because I do love him deeply and seeing him being mistreated or taken advantage of just breaks my heart. Even if he's a grown up billionaire ruling his empire. In this single instance… he never really grew up.

"Funny, how you are the upholder of moral standards when you're clearly lacking in the same department!" he blasts back.

"What are you talking about?!"

"You accuse me of being oblivious to my friends? What about your friend Jose?"

"Nothing happened!" I say weakly.

"Because I interfered! What if I hadn't? Where would you have ended up the next morning? And who would you have - rightly so- accused of rape?"

I'm speechless. Jose isn't a rapist. He just doesn't know his boundaries. Some kind of philanderer. But then I remember the dance on Kates wedding and how he was trying to hit on me.

"Okay. Valid points made." I say and surprise both of us. "The major difference here is, thanks to you nothing happened to me." Both of us calm down again. "But for you that's a different story. It went on for years! She's manipulated you like a puppet… "

It feels like time has slowed down. Both of us deep in thought about the heavy conversation we just had.

„I just see this differently than you do." he breaks the silence… as well as my heart. Do I have to accept that a child molester is my lover's closest friend for the rest of our lives?

„But I will consider your thoughts on this matter and discuss it with Flynn. You'll be glad to hear that he's on your team on this instance." I'm trying to ignore his sudden business like language. I've seen him fall into this patterns before when he's out of his bounds.

I cannot help but walk closer to him, he looks rather nervous. Without a word I kiss him.

„I love you, Christian. Believe it or not I just want the best for you." Why does that sound like I am his mother? There's a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips. Before I can see it, it's already gone.

„I love you too." He comes to a stand and dismisses himself by mumbling something about work in his office.

End of discussion then.

When Christian comes back from his session with Dr. Flynn a few days later he's in gloomy mood. It didn't go well then.

I contemplate to ask him what they discussed but decide against it. This is a matter of privacy and I shouldn't and won't ask him about things that do not concern me. If he wants to let me in, I'll be there for him. But putting pressure on him would be wrong. It's not a coincidence that his therapist is under a non disclosure agreement.

„I left the coriander aside this time" I say over dinner. The last time I made Palak Paneer I didn't know he was one of the unlucky people to whom coriander tastes like soap. Still, it looks as if he's about to leave his plate unfinished. So unlike him.

„Thank you." He nods and puts his cutlery aside.

Alright. I cannot continue to play the dummie here.

„Do you want to talk about it?" I test the waters. He fumbles with the neck of the wine glass, giving its content an unnecessary swirl, again and again.

„You don't have to. It's just hard to see you struggling with whatever happened today." I feel like doing a dangerous balance act on a rope as thin as sewing thread. Why can't we have a normal conversation for once where I'm not afraid of hurting his feelings? Who would have thought that Christian would be so insecure?

„Flynn thinks I have changed. Because of you." He begins and confuses me.

First, that's what Christian has already told me repeatedly without Flynn's input. Second, I never asked him to change for me. It just happened naturally. So knowing that this is the reason he's struggling gives me a pain in the gut.

„I'm sorry I can't be more how you pictured me." I say and hope this would ease him out of his state.

„Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

„Obviously I'm the reason you're upset."

„No." He says. Just no? No explanation? „You've made me go soft. All of this.. it's just dissatisfying."

I feel that familiar, sharp stinging pain in my heart, it goes right trough my arms into my palms.

„You never said you found our relationship or sex life dissatisfying." Quite the opposite.

„Because they are great. There's nothing I want to change. Apart from EE. " Oh wow!

„Christian I don't understand a word you say. You're so contradicting!"

„That's the problem. What we have is great. Our sex life is amazing. I shouldn't be more content. But I'm not!"

Because of what?

"What is it?" I press him to continue.

Silence. I wonder what will come next.

"I want to be strong and protect you and you won't let me. I want to take care of you, cherish you and you won't let me. I want to show you my love, worship you my way and you won't let me."

„True." I feel a little relived. We can work on those!

„You didn't just make me soft. You make me feel weak."

I think about his words for a moment. He's right. I have to accept that there are parts of his personality that will never change. He was abused as a kid for being vulnerable and small, isn't it obvious he wants to be strong and controlling all the time?

I lean over to take his hand. He's very tense but doesn't deny me. I take a deep breath.

„I love you, Christian. Thank you for letting me in. I know how hard it is for you to tell me what you really feel." Oddly it isn't hard for him to show me his love. He does it every day. I need to be careful with how I'll address my thoughts on this.

„Change is inevitable. You know that better than I do. Both of us have changed. For the better. Accepting that change will happen, is only a sign of strength. Only the weak hold on to what they know best. So, that said. You are strong. You are loved. By your family. And me. That will never change even if you cannot or won't be strong all the time."

His eyes are searching for some reason, looking for a way.

„Is this about our agreement only to rule me in the bedroom? Do you want to have more control outside of that?"

„You defy me! All the time! And I have no way to change your mind. I just have to watch you!" It's almost like those words pour out of him.

„Of course you do. You can talk to me. Persuade me. Like most couples do. It's just that you don't have access to your old ways of making me oblige because I'm not your submissive." I answer calmly. This won't help if I loose my temper as well.

„It's not enough." He says.

„Not enough to ease your longing?"

„Fuck. On some days I just want to make you do the things that I need from you. And if you don't.. Punish you for it. At the same time I don't want that at all. I don't want to see you hurt by me. What I did that night… I'll never do that again."

I remember him being so closed off, unapproachable, going from one emotion to the next in minutes the weeks after Kates wedding. On one instance he was sitting in his office, so deep in thought, almost detached from the world around him. I always wondered what he might think in those times. Concerning his extremely opposite emotions, I can understand now why he wasn't acting like himself lately.

„So yes. Change is inevitable and I'm fine with the fact that I'm your Pleasure Dom. Maybe that's what I've been for a long time now. And yes, you not being a masochist took the pleasure out of my punishments. Here I am. A Dom without punishments. A dog without fangs."

I guess all of this is up to negotiation. But as Christian has confessed now, he wants more out of our dom sub dynamic than sexual satisfaction.

„Is punishment always just.. pain? Couldn't you punish me in other ways?" His brows furrow in annoyance.

„Still, you would have to agree to those. And you never did."

„How am I supposed to agree if I don't have a clue?"

„That's common knowledge."

I want to roll my eyes at him. How are BDSM practices common knowledge?!

„Give me a hand here." I say. I've done some research on this in the past. Only to find out that there's a huge amount of information. I've spent hours reading and had only covered the basics.

„There are as many punishments as there are people, Ana. Some unrelated to sex. Like running laps or writing lines. Humiliation and degradation can be non sexual too. Some are sexual. Being tied up. Spanking. Forced orgasms. Orgasm denial. The possibilities are endless."

„Some of those we've done. When I messed up your directions."

„Yes, as my bedroom sub. As I've said, I'm very satisfied with how that is." Okay. Now he's talking like I'm stupid.

„Why are you talking down on me? I'm just trying to understand you. Why are you so angry?"

„I'm fucking angry at myself!" he says and slams his fist on the table before he jumps up to leave.

I let him go. He's like a cat who's tails got stuck in the door. He better should calm down and lick his bruises before we can continue this conversation.

When I get ready for bed I wonder if we'll have our sub session tonight. Normally Friday nights Christian always came up with a fun idea to ring in the weekend where we would fully indulge in our intimate relationship. He'd call it the Friday night special. Funny, how my irk of naming certain rituals has rubbed off on him.

After our conversation earlier I hope we can bury those differences. As usual I'm waiting in my knickers with braided hair by the door. Christian is nowhere to be seen.

After such a long day with a heavy ending I'm just looking forward to Christian doing his magic on me, for my body and soul to find it's overdue release.

He enters after a what feels like eternity. He stands close to me and pets my head.

„Good girl, have you been waiting for me?"

„Yes, Sir." I say and smile.

„Were you eager to see me return and take care of what is mine?"

„Yes, Sir."

„How much do you want this?"

What a weird question.

„A lot, Sir."

He walks around me, I see his bare feet.

„You may look up." He says and strokes my chin. Our eyes meet.

„Did you wait all day for me to give you what you want? Make you come?"

„Yes, Sir."

„Are you wet for me?" Already? I'm not sure, we haven't done much. Maybe a little?

„I don't know, Sir."

„Stand up and turn around ." I do as told. „Legs apart. Good." He embraces me from behind pushes his hands into my panties.

„Not wet enough." He says and retrieves his hand to push two of his fingers into his mouth. His breath tingles my ear.

With two very moistened fingers he enters me again. Finally. His massaging fingers do exactly what I needed. He continues his motion while whispering all the dirty little things he will do to me in my ear. I'm so worked up I cannot take it any longer.

„Do you want more?" he asks.

„Oh yes!" I say breathlessly. He stops.

„Yes, what?" Oh.

„Yes, Sir." I say sheepishly and smile. Hopefully I'll get a few spanks for that. Before or after he does all the things he said he would. I don't care about the order.

He slips his fingers out and readjusts my panties. The emptiness is extremely disappointing at this point.

„Go get a shirt from the closet." A T-shirt? We've used his ties and even my thong in the past. What could he even do with a shirt? When I come back, he's sitting on the bed.

„Sit." He gestures and pats the spot beside him. The blanket is peeled back.

Again I do as told. The anticipation is killing me.

„Put it on and lay down." Confused, I lay on my side to look at him. He takes the blanket and puts it on me. Then he stand up.

„This is your punishment. You'll be quiet and you'll go to sleep now. Good night." He says and stands to leave.

I'm back into a half sitting position. The noise of the sheets make him turn around. The look on his face! It silences my vocal chords. As if to say don't you dare ignore my command. Timidly I melt back into the mattress, then he turns off the light and leaves.

What in God's name did just happen.

Just because I didn't say Sir once? He blew up the whole session? And what am I supposed to do? It seems as Dominant Christian just has taken the opportunity to show me who's the real boss.

I can't say I dislike it. It actually gives me an idea. Meanwhile I consider to get matters in my own hands for the first time since forever to ease the itch.

I decide against it and actually try to fall asleep. Impossible.