Harvest Moon TV!

by SBester

COMPLETE. The comedic Harvest Moon (SNES) novelization from over a decade ago returns with a newly refined edit. All 15 chapters are here on one page.

Harvest Moon TV (Finalized Edition)

Episode One: Welcome!

Jack was a seemingly regular young man (age unspecified). He went to school just as normal boys did, he procrastinated doing homework and chores most of the time, and he had lots of friends while growing up. But you see, Jack had been placed in some very serious predicaments that set him apart from all of the other children that you or I have ever known. The first predicament was that due to the recent death of his grandfather, it would now be up to Jack to go and take care of the family farm (hopefully, to put it back into tip top shape, much like it had been many years ago). This was quite a responsibility for a young fellow such as Jack. The second problem was that poor Jack only possessed the mental capacity of a six year old child.

Now, one would think that any considerate or rational family would sympathize with the youngster under such harsh conditions - but not Jack's family. No, sir! Jack's father decided that it was time the youth learned how to get out into the world and make something of himself. Poor Jack thought it was a grand idea, but that was because Jack was stupid.

So, on the first day of Spring, Jack's father drove him out into the middle of basically nowhere. (Town name unspecified). How wonderful, Jack thought to himself as they pulled their car into the small farm's driveway.

"Now, Jack," his father warned. "I will come back in 2.5 years to check on your progress, and by that time you'd better have this ol' farm in spiffy shape. Do you understand?"

Jack smiled and nodded his head emphatically, eyes closed and everything. Jack's father went on to explain just how long 2.5 years was, just in case. We can only imagine it still did not properly register with him.

With that, they said their goodbyes and the older man set off on his way home. Jack looked around at the property; it was all his now. But there was one thing he didn't understand: why weren't there any animals? This was a farm, was it not? And what in the world happened to all the vegetation? How was he even supposed to eat? He was just about to search the shed for an animal he could slaughter when he heard a friendly "Hello" come from behind him. Jack turned around, but could still not see where the noise had come from. Perhaps he had imagined it?

"Down here!" The friendly voice sounded even more cheerful this time. Looking down, Jack could now see a very short old man looking up and wearing a warm smile upon his face.

"A midget!" Jack grinned and picked the man up, hugging him tightly. Jack had always wanted a midget of his very own.

"Yes, yes, welcome. You can put me down now, Mr. Jack."

Jack did so, albeit reluctantly.

"Welcome to our humble village. I cannot begin to tell you how excited we all are to have a new face in our midst. Would you like me to show you around the town so that you can meet the residents and see the sights?" the strange little man offered.

Jack nodded wildly in response. What a nice little dwarf, he thought.

"I'm the mayor of this town, by the way. Call me… Mayor." The small man turned to exit the grounds, and with that, they were on their way.

As soon as the two stepped onto the town premises, the first thing Jack could see was a park. It was the smallest park he had ever seen, and it only consisted of two large trees. The pint-sized mayor took a left turn just then, and soon they found themselves in front of a cute little house.

"This is the fortune teller's house, Jack. She lives here with her granddaughter, and rarely ever leaves -" The mayor could not finish his sentence, for Jack had already bolted straight for the front door in hopes that the fortune teller could tell him a great many things. Upon entering, pitch blackness surrounded a small table, and a fat old woman could scarcely be seen sitting comfortably in front of it.

"Trust me, kid, you don't wanna know," came a voice from the old hag.

This only confused Jack, and he smiled and introduced himself to the witch. Suddenly, the woman's granddaughter appeared out of nowhere and introduced herself to him as well. When the mayor appeared in the doorway and beckoned the small minded Jack to follow him, Jack ran back and gave the little man another big hug, lifting him from the ground once again as though he were a puppy.

Continuing on their path, the second house they arrived at was the livestock store. Both of them entered the shop happily, and Jack was thrilled to find that there really were animals available in the village, although he did not yet know which animals were to be his friends and which ones he would kill mercilessly.

"Hello there, I'm (name unspecified). I own this livestock store. We sell cows and chickens and all of their living needs. I suspect I will be seeing you in here quite often over the next couple of years, am I right?" The white bearded man cocked an eyebrow.

Jack let his tongue hang out at the side of his mouth as he nodded promptly at the man's assumption. It then came to his mind... chicken tastes good! It was settled now, Jack would be eating chicken tonight. Jack had just had chicken the night before at his parents' house, and it was delicious! Perhaps one that he slaughtered himself would taste even better.

"One chicken, please!" Jack placed his order.

"Oh, there will be plenty of time for that tomorrow, my young friend," the mayor tugged Jack by the arm. "This eager fellow must have work upon his mind constantly."

The livestock store owner smiled and said his goodbyes as the two travelers exited and continued upon their route through the town. Further down the path was the marketplace, which consisted of 3 small houses. The first house was the tools shop, and upon entering the store they were greeted by a pleasant, slim fellow and a ratty little girl.

"Ah, is this the new farm owner?" the man at the desk asked the mayor with a pleasant greeting.

"It is, indeed," the mayor looked over proudly at Jack.

"I am the tool shop owner. It is a pleasure to meet you, young man. This is my daughter, Ann." As he introduced her, the small girl stepped forward and curtsied shyly. She couldn't have been much younger than Jack himself, but there were a few things that bothered him about her. For starters, despite her big orange hair, which was carefully tied into a ponytail, she looked very much like a young lad her age would. It had to have been the clothes she was wearing, as they were dirty and ragged, and bore a striking resemblance to Jack's baggy overalls. Another thing was that there was a trace of intelligence in her eyes, and though Jack couldn't recognize it for what it was, he was sure he wanted absolutely no part of it.

"I'm Jack. We're busy!" It was Jack's turn to grab the mayor by his arm and drag him out of the shop.

"What a shy young man..." the shop owner looked over at his daughter.

The next destination had been the restaurant. Upon entering, Jack realized how hungry he was after having thought about the dinner he had enjoyed on the previous night. Four figures awaited him on the inside of the house and they greeted him very kindly. There was a stout older man who introduced himself as the owner of the restaurant, a woman of the same age who was introduced as his wife, an older gentleman who seemed drunk out of his mind (who didn't introduce himself at all), and an ugly girl named Ellen.

Jack had been stunned to hear the girl's name, because though Ann had dressed much like a boy, this new girl just looked exactly like one. Her hair was cut very short, her face was dirty and long, and her nose stuck out very far, glowing bright red in color.

As disgusted as Jack was at the sight of this so-called "girl", he felt compelled to stay and play with the older fellow who repeatedly wobbled and fell helplessly to the floor. Jack danced from side to side, jumping from one foot to the other in front of the falling man, giggling all the while like a schoolgirl.

"That's my grandpa, he's a little intoxicated at the moment. Thank you for not judging him as many others do," Ellen smiled sweetly.

Jack stopped dancing immediately. He didn't know what 'intoxicated' meant, but he knew that when he finally got his chicken, he should invite this old man over to celebrate the feast along with him.

"Jack is just taking the tour of the old town with me and meeting all the villagers. It has been quite the day so far, and he really seems happy to be here!" The mayor stood as tall as he could, beaming proudly.

"Well, we look forward to seeing you again soon," the owner said happily, and they bid each other farewell.

As they moved along to the next house, the mayor stopped and turned to face Jack.

"Now, Jack, this is the town bar. It is closed on Sundays, but it has a very lively night scene. If you do decide to enter this place, I expect that you act as responsibly as possible, and be careful not to have too much to drink."

Jack knew very well what that meant: if you drink too much, you will wet the bed. "Right," Jack agreed in all seriousness.

The two took another right turn and soon found themselves in the middle of town square. This was the biggest part of the town and the mayor explained that this was where all of the town festivals took place. They continued on once more and found themselves at the largest property in the town.

"This is my humble abode. Feel free to come in anytime and chat. I am a busy man, however, and will not always be readily available; but my lovely wife is sure to be there any time to offer you tea," the mayor again stood very proudly. "Unfortunately, the day grows short and we must be on our way. But do stop by soon so you can meet her. She really is a wonderful woman and I'm sure she's dying to meet you."

Jack was bored by this. Grabbing the mayor by the arm, he pulled him away from the house and back down the path, leaving the mayor a little bit stunned and a lot confused.

A tall building was next, and again the mayor did not beckon him to go inside.

"This is our church. I expect to see you there every Sunday along with -" he could not finish, as Jack had already run away.

The mayor stood alone, more confused than ever. What a strange boy, he thought. Perhaps the poor boy had experienced something very traumatic as a child in relation to the church... yes, that must have been it. With that, he was on his way back to his own house to get back to his usual work.

Left to himself, Jack realized that the mayor had not bothered to follow him this time. He looked around, frightened to be all by himself in such a strange place. Beside him was another small house, so he decided it was best that he enter it without knocking to ask for directions.

He opened the door and walked up to the lady at the desk. This was indeed another shop, he concluded. The nice lady at the front desk was pretty, with bright pink hair and a little green bow at the top, but she was much too old for the youthful Jack to consider for a wife.

"Hello, stranger *cough*. How are you doing this evening?" The woman smiled at him.

"I'm lost!" Jack's eyes were wide with exasperation.

"You're lost? Um… how old are you?"

"I'm…" Jack was about to count on his fingers, but suddenly the door burst open behind the counter.

"I'm going for a walk, Mother," a gorgeous young girl with big pink hair emerged from the back room. "Oh, I didn't know we had company. Excuse me for my interruption, my name is Nina."

"I'm Jack..." the boy gawked.

"Oh, the boy who is running the old farm! I was told about you," the girl's mother concluded. "Nina, why don't you bring him back to his house? The poor dear is a little lost."

"The old farm?" Nina looked at him as if he were the most peculiar thing in the world. "The path is literally right next to our house, how did you get lost?"

Jack froze uncomfortably, not knowing what to say.

"Oh, this town looks all the same. I'm sure it is very easy to get lost if you aren't from around here," Nina's mother offered sweetly.

"Hmm, I guess that is true." Nina led Jack out of the shop and out onto the path to his farm. On the way, she informed him that the shop they had just left was the flower shop, and that they had everything he should need for planting his crops. Only then did it occur to the poor soul…

"I have to plant crops?"

Jack arrived back at the farm and reflected upon the day. He liked the people that he had met, and there were sure to be more friendly faces for him to meet in the coming days. He looked around his little house and suddenly felt very lonely. There were only four channels on his old television, and there was nothing else he could amuse himself with except for a stupid old journal.

Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. He quickly walked over and opened it, only to find that the visitor was none other than the ugly girl that looked like a boy. Ellen.

"Hi. I was wondering… do you like dogs?" she asked.

Jack considered the question carefully before nodding his head crazily, as he always did.

"Great! Well, I'm sure you will get along wonderfully with this little guy! Unfortunately, I can't take care of him right now, but if it isn't too much to ask of you... would you take care of him for me?" As she spoke, coming out from behind the girl's leg, a little brown puppy showed its face shyly.

A smile crossed Jack's face, and soon it turned into a wide grin. He swept the dog off its feet and hugged it close to him. It was no midget, but it was company nonetheless, and would serve as a true friend.

Ellen was very satisfied with herself for choosing Jack as the owner of this loveable pet, and she thanked him wholeheartedly. She told him that the dog's name was Koro, but Jack, in turn, informed her that that was just not so. Instead, he was to be called Ruff, because that seemed to be the only word the dog knew how to say.

Ellen left, and Jack played briefly with the dog before getting bored and forgetting the poor thing outside in the cold for the night. Tiredly, he walked over to his bed and decided that he should write in the journal to keep a record of what he'd done so that his parents would be proud of him when they came to visit.

Yeer 1: Munth 1: Day 1

I metted lots of peple today. It wos fun. I metted a mijet, a gerl that loox like a boy, a beootiful gerl with pink hare, and I got a dog to. I sware Im going to make this farm good. Aggen. I named him ruf. And her mommee is prity to.

The End

Episode Two: Adjusting

It had been a few days since Jack had first arrived at the farm, and the poor soul had never been as bored in his entire life as he was at this moment. It was 7am in the morning, and he knew that he should be up and about doing something… but he couldn't for the life of him figure out just what that was! Looking outside his window into the fields, he realized that perhaps it was time that he learned to grow vegetables. They were yucky, but he was pretty sure that not eating them was a sin.

As he opened his door, he was startled by a weak bark at his feet.

"Oh, I forgot about you again!" Jack smiled down at Ruff, his dog, and picked the pup up from the ground. The dog stared motionlessly into the happy eyes of the unintelligible lunatic holding him - not quite afraid, yet utterly confused as to why this being had detached his paws from the safety of the ground below.

In an instant, Jack remembered what it was that he came outside to do and quickly tossed the young pup aside without a thought for the well being of the animal. Looking about, he thought wonderingly to himself, How do I make crops grow… if I don't even know where babies come from?

Poor Jack studied the fields hard. They were a mess. Logs, rocks, and weeds were all lying about. Jack had decided that his grandfather must have grown them. What an odd choice of food, he frowned.

"Hey, Jack," a voice came from behind him. It was the shipper, a man that Jack had met not too long ago. "How goes the crop planting today?"

"I don't know what I'm doing," Jack exclaimed excitedly.

"Oh, it's no problem! It's the easiest thing in the world, my friend. Why, all you have to do is clear the fields, plant the seeds, and water them day to day!"

Jack looked at the man in confusion and asked, "How do I do that?"

"Well, first of all, you must get rid of all of these rocks and weeds and logs. The logs go in that bin over there. You'll need to move the rocks out of the way, and then you'll need to chop up the weeds before they get any bigger. When the fields are all cleared out, use a hoe to dig up some patches, then plant the seeds." The nice man smiled warmly at Jack.

After a few moments of consideration, Jack smiled back and nodded happily.

"I have to be on my way now, but please come by the bar later and meet me for a drink. Lots of the townspeople will be there, so it will be a great ol' time!" And with that, he was off.

Jack worked very hard for the rest of the day, slaving as best he could to move the rocks, store the logs, and chop the weeds. The rocks were much too heavy at first, so he focused more on the ones that he could carry. The logs were the most amount of work, and Jack had no clue that he was supposed to chop them into smaller pieces before storing them. This made it extremely difficult for them to fit in the log bin, and he eventually gave up and rolled them to the side of the house instead. He ripped the weeds out from the ground with his bare hands, unaware that with their roots still grounded, they would only end up growing back. Upon finishing, he took the weeds back to the house and chopped them up, much as someone would a vegetable. Of course, Jack forgot to wash them before eating them. Mother had always told him that if he ate his broccoli he would get his desert, so perhaps the same was true with these weeds.

After Jack threw up all his dinner, he headed for town in search of the "bar". Unfortunately, the bar could not be found anywhere. He searched high, he searched low, he searched everywhere; but alas, the boy could not find it. Up along the path, Nina could be seen coming out of the church. He was about to run away as he always did when in close proximity to one, but the girl called out to him.

"Hi, Jack. Where are you off to?" She smiled sweetly at him.

"I'm off on an adventure," Jack said secretively.

"Hahaha, that's funny. I haven't seen you in town lately. Has work been hard?"

Jack nodded sadly. There were so many things that he was expected to do, he just couldn't handle it all. He had so many questions, but he didn't know who to ask. Then he remembered, Nina's mother was a smart lady! She would know everything! He eagerly asked Nina to bring him to see her, and she politely complied. Together they walked down the darkening streets towards Nina's house.

When they had finally reached their destination, Nina went to her room while her mother and Jack sat down to talk.

"Well, Jack, what seems to be the problem?" she asked with a very concerned look upon her face.

"I have many questions," he answered promptly.

"Well, go ahead and ask, and I will answer to the best of my ability (cough)."

"…Where do babies come from?" Jack questioned intently.

The woman stared back blankly. Quite frankly, she was stunned. "Y…you're serious…?"

"I'm a very serious person," Jack blinked.

"Umm… uh, well…hmm. Okay, first of all, the act involves a man and a woman. They need to love each other very much, and then they need to do… something." She could see the confused look upon Jack's face. "They… they need to have sex, Jack. Men have special seeds produced inside of them, and as well, women have special eggs. The man must spread his seed and impregnate the woman's egg. Do you understand?"

Jack understood perfectly well. This woman was a con artist. She sold seeds for $3.95 each and every day to poor unsuspecting customers in the town, when all along the men of the village were producing them for free from their own bodies, never suspecting a thing!

"Any more questions, Sweetheart?"

"I'm looking for 'the bar'." Jack glared coldly at her.

"Oh, that's on the other side of the town. I will summon Nina and she can take you there. Be very careful when you are there, though. Bars can be dangerous places, if you know what I mean..." She gave a friendly warning.

With that, Nina was called and soon she and Jack were on their way.

"What did you guys talk about?" she asked him curiously.

"You're better off not knowing, Nina. But you may want to think twice before eating eggs again."

Soon they arrived at their new destination and entered through the small door eagerly.

"Well, have a nice time. I'm tired, and so I'm heading home to go to bed. Goodnight, Jack," she bade him farewell and left.

How rude of her to give up on our adventure like that, he thought to himself. Looking around the room, he noticed that there weren't very many people there. There was the old drunk man that Jack had played with on his first day in town, the bartender, the shipper, an ugly girl who gave him his dog but he couldn't remember the name of, and… the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen!

With all the grace and style of an angel, the beautiful blonde vixen walked slowly towards him.

"You're the new guy in town," she gave a half smile. "My name's Eve. I work here, my room's in the back. I'm not outside all that much, but I'm always here at night. Don't be a stranger!" She winked at him and walked on by.

How did she make her eye do that?

"Jacky boy!" the annoying shipper shouted, once again interrupting him on his quest. "Come and sit over here, I'll buy you a drink!"

"I can't right now, I need to find the *bar*."

"You just walked into it, buddy!"

Jack stared at him in confusion. He rubbed his head, but he could feel no bump. This man was a liar, just like Nina's mother!

Sidetracking him furthermore, Eve tapped him on the shoulder, grabbing his attention completely.

"What was that? You wanted something from the bar?" Jack could do nothing but stand stupidly in place as she spoke. "That's no problem at all. Since you're new in town, it's on the house." Smiling, she walked over to the bartender.

Waking up from his trance-like state of mind, Jack thought back to what had just unfolded. It's on the house. "The roof!"

Running like a madman, Jack blazed past the old drunkard, knocking him flat on his bottom and sending a glass to the floor in shatters. Looking up to the rooftops, Jack wondered how on earth he was going to get up there.

"Jack, are you okay?" The shipper was suddenly standing in front of him, blocking his view of the pub. Without further thought, Jack began to climb the hulky man's arms, shocking and confusing the poor bystander. "Wh…what are you doing? Jack!" Jack had gotten on top of his shoulders and was now getting ready to attempt his leap to the roof of the building. "Ow, what is the meaning of this?"

With all his strength, Jack leaped!

Jack fell.

"Jack, are you alright?" The blurred vision of the man could barely be seen through Jack's shaky vision. He lifted his head slowly, dazed by the force of the collision.

"What did you do to him?!" Eve cried as she ran out and tended to the injured boy.

"I…I…I didn't do anything, he just…" the shipper stalled.

Just then the bartender rushed out to Eve's assistance.

"That's it, bub, you've had enough to drink. You could have seriously injured this young fellow. And don't bother coming back!" Hurt by the words of the bartender, the shipper walked away, unable to speak or deduce what had just taken place.

"Are you alright, Jack?" Eve asked him. The angel sent from heaven was the first thing he could see clearly now. How he loved the sound of her soft voice. Forgotten was his quest for the bar, as the man who had sent him on it had now gone home anyways.

"I'm okay, Eve," he smiled.

With that, they all went back inside the pub and sat down. Jack and Eve talked a little while, and she believed that he talked in his odd ways because he had been drinking already that night. Poor boy, it must have been lonely being at that farm day after day all by himself. It was no wonder he was resorting to alcohol.

"So what's up for tomorrow?" she asked him.

"I need to use a hoe to dig up some patches in my fields, then I can plant my seeds in them," he smiled proudly. "Bet you didn't know I could do that!"

"Is that a tool?"

"The seeds? No, but I have a feeling that they may come out of one..." He looked down at his pants.

Ah, she thought. How far technology has come... seed dispensers for gardens. I was referring to the hoe, but he's a little too drunk to tell the difference.

Now, one wouldn't think that Jack would be smart enough to know what a hoe was, but luckily for Jack, his father had let him stay up some nights and watch the B.E.T. channel with him.

"Hey, are you busy tomorrow?" he asked.

"I don't think so, why?"

"I need you to come do something for me in the fields."

Jack felt quite weird coming home. Beer didn't taste very good, but it was better than those awful weeds he'd had for lunch. Looking down at his feet, Ruff was fast asleep. The cute little dog must have been all tuckered out after a long day in the hot sun.

"WAKE UP, RUFF!" he shouted into the dog's ear, sending him jumping to his feet in alarm. "Hahaha! Good puppy!"

Satisfied with himself, Jack went to his bed and decided once again to write in his journal. It had, after all, been a very productive day.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:4

2day I saw the most beootifll gerl in the werld. Her nam is eev. And I moovd the rox, I rold the logs, I cutted the weeds and I ate them. Mom donnt bi egs evr agan! I git seeds fer free! Tomoro I hav a ho cuming ovr to mak paches, and she iz also the beootifl gerl I wuz toking abaot.

PS- sumday I will find the BAR! Its on the roof!

With that, Jack went to sleep.

Upon finishing his rounds after his drinking break, the shipper showed up at Jack's house. Perhaps he could get some kind of closure on the situation and what had happened by talking to the young lad... or perhaps the kid was just an idiot. Looking into the produce bin to make sure there was nothing that could be sold, the shipper got his answer.

"Rocks?"

The End

Episode Three: Infestation

After a few weeks of settling in, Jack was finally starting to feel quite at home in the little village. Unfortunately, he was having a difficult time trying to plant his crops, and soon became very frustrated with the task. Just when he was about to give up, a little sprout could finally be seen coming up from out of the ground, exciting the young fellow to extreme levels of joy. He hopped up and down, dancing around the small sprout in a circle - all the while singing a very off-key tune.

Just then, from out of his peripherals, he noticed something running away. It was small and fast... too fast for Jack to get a proper glimpse of it before it had already scurried away into the hole in the door of the tool shed.

"Rodents!" Jack cocked an eyebrow. It came as no surprise to him that tiny creatures would want to live on his wonderful farm; it was, after all, the greatest farm in the entire world. "Ruff! Come on, boy! We have a new job to do today!" he exclaimed as he walked over to the door of the shed.

Bending down, he examined the hole in the door and took notice of its size. Whatever ran past him couldn't have been very big at all, but it was still considerably big for a rat - if such was the case. He opened the door and looked around the room very carefully, but he could detect no movement at all.

"I'm gonna get you, just you wait!" Jack yelled happily at his newfound enemy. Closing the door, he went back to his room to think about who he should call to help him exterminate the pest.

The first person that came to mind was the carpenter who lived in the mountains. This man seemed the very capable type. And while he was up in the mountains, perhaps he would pay a visit to the old man who always seems to be playing there (Eve's grandfather, of all things). If only there were one more person able to help him on his mission…

"Two's enough, I still have you, Ruff!" Jack smiled at his little dog. With that, he was off to the mountains to ask his fellow neighbors for assistance on his murderous rampage.

It was a bright and sunshiny day, clear enough for Jack to think straight for the rest of the afternoon. The walk to the mountains did not take long at all, and he was very satisfied by that fact, as Mr. Jack is normally quite impatient. This was not his first trip to the mountains, but it was the first time that he was confident enough that he wouldn't get lost again. He longed for the day that he would be able to come to the mountain without getting lost so that he could spy on Eve as she made her weekly soak in the hot springs.

When he arrived at the carpenter's house, Jack knocked loudly at the door… constantly.

"*Muffle, muffle*," the door opened. "What is the meaning of…?"

"I need help!" Jack yelled at the older gentleman in the doorway, eyes wide as coconuts.

"Hmm? Is it an emergency?" The carpenter now had a great look of concern on his face.

"Yes. My farm is being invaded!" Jack maintained his intensity.

"Uh, well… I guess I could come over and take a look around for you. I don't exactly know what you mean by 'invaded', but I'll see what the matter is." And with that, the man was off to the farm.

Meanwhile, Jack would continue on his new quest to find helpers. It wasn't long before he found Eve's grandfather on his morning walk, just waiting for an adventure to take place.

"Help me, Eve's grandpa! My farm is being invaded!" Jack yelled as he ran to the man, scaring the old chum half to death.

"The aliens have come back… alert the entire village! They've found me!" The elderly man suddenly became very fearful. His eyes lit up in a way that Jack had never seen before, and suddenly he was very scared as well. Was it really possible that an alien species had come to invade his farm, and not just some pesky rodents?

"Aliens?! What are we gonna do?" Jack exclaimed.

"I've waited fifteen years for those buggers to return, it is time I ended this! Go to the village and tell everyone! We need to formulate a plan on how to capture and dispose of these creatures." The confused man limped away as fast as his tired legs would allow him to.

Jack stood there for a moment, unable to move. He just stood there thinking, until his thoughts disappeared into the wind.

"What's that I hear about aliens?" The fisherman suddenly appeared from behind Jack, having overheard the exciting conversation that had just taken place. Jack did not turn around to greet him, he remained immobile. The fisherman waved his arms about furiously, trying to wake Jack up from whatever trance he was in, but he could not. "Jack! Hello in there?"

"By heavens, where are the rest of the villagers?" Eve's elderly grandfather shouted from across the field at the carpenter.

"This is no matter for them, it is only an infestation of rodents. It's really nothing to worry about at all, I can deal with the situation on my own. But where is Jack?" The carpenter cocked an eyebrow.

"I sent him to alert the people! I tell you, the aliens have returned to finish what they started. That young feller's grandfather and I went through hell the last time they came around, and I knew they would come back sometime! We can't let them overrun us, not now! Not ever," the old man said in all seriousness. The carpenter felt badly for the man, knowing that his mind wasn't what it had used to be.

Ruff had followed close by as the fisherman showed up at the farm. For a moment, he considered alerting them of what had happened to Jack up in the mountains, but he decided against it, in case it was nothing but a big prank.

"Ah, the fisherman. Can you do us all a favor and take him back to the mountains?" the carpenter pointed accusingly at the elderly man beside him.

"Well, sure. What seems to be the problem?" The fisherman was very interested.

"You can't take me! I'm the only one who can save us!" the old man raved loudly. Ruff found the man very amusing, and began to bark and jump in an attempt to play with him.

"Why don't you go warn your granddaughter of what is happening? Surely, of all things, she must be the most important one to protect," the fisherman used his intellect to outsmart the old man. Eve would definitely be able to calm him down and make sure that he took his meds, thus putting the whole fiasco behind them.

"Eve, yes! I must get her out of the village before it is too late! I shall return..." And with that, he was gone.

The fisherman and the carpenter entered the tool shed together, but no trace of any rodents could be seen anywhere. Ruff sniffed high and low, determined to help these men find whatever it was that they were looking for. In just a few short seconds, Ruff had found a footprint and began barking to alert them of the clue.

"Good boy, Ruff. Hmm, these don't look like animal prints at all. They don't belong to aliens, of course, but strange nonetheless..." The carpenter studied the prints hard. Suddenly, from behind them came the sound of a footstep. Both men turned quickly to see where the sound had come from, but not quickly enough. The little critter was out the door of the shed before they could even catch a glimpse of it.

Running as fast as they could, they emerged from the tool shed into the sunlight and studied the fields before them.

"Ruff, ruff!" Ruff barked, running out into the fields in obvious pursuit of something.

Seeing this, the two men struggled to keep a considerable pace to join in on the chase. The action ended when they reached an old bolted up well. Upon further inspection, the fisherman realized that one of the boards had been taken off of the well.

"Isn't that curious."

Just then, Jack arrived on the scene, having recently awakened from his state of… whatever.

"Jack, did you do this?" the carpenter asked instinctively.

Jack looked at the well and shook his head defiantly. The man had meant the removal of the board, but Jack had thought he meant the construction of the well. Either way, this had been the first time that Jack had ever been near the well in his life.

"That is just the strangest thing," the fisherman observed.

Unable to stand the suspense any longer, the carpenter bent down and pulled away the rest of the boards to get a look inside the well, but was disappointed to find that it was still too dark to see anything. "Damn. Do you have a flashlight, Jack?"

"Nope, I have something better!" Jack proclaimed, and with that, he picked up Ruff and threw him mercilessly down the well. Both men were stunned, but were soon relieved upon hearing a few excited barks from within the well.

"He's okay, so it must be safe," Jack smiled, tongue hanging out as usual. "Look out, boy! Here I come!" Jack yelled as he jumped in after his pet. The two men tried to grab and hold onto the boy in an attempt to keep him from landing on the poor animal, but they were too slow.

*Yelp*!

"Jack! Are you two okay?" the fisherman yelled down.

Jack looked around. This had been no ordinary well. He found himself in a room, one that looked like a small home for very tiny people. Furniture and appliances all around, it was an amazing sight. But Jack was frightened. He called up for a sledge hammer, as he needed a weapon to protect both himself and his little dog (whom, by the way, was unhurt).

The fisherman ran back to the farm as fast as he could, leaving the carpenter behind to ask questions of Jack.

"What do you see, Jack?" the carpenter hollered.

"I see… a Barbie's dream house," was all that the confused boy could muster. Just then, out from the corners of the furniture, little heads began to poke their way out. It took a moment for Jack to realize what was happening, but in time he concluded that these were indeed real elves.

"Jack, what is going on?" the carpenter begged for an answer.

"Santa's workshop... in my own backyard!" Jack's eyes went wide. Ruff hid snugly behind his master's legs, afraid of the little people and what their intentions may be.

The carpenter could not take any more. With a deep breath, he hurled himself into the well to join his friends. Simply put, he was shocked at what he saw.

"Worker elves…they really do exist!" The carpenter put his hand on Jack's shoulder, in total awe of what lay before them.

One of the small elves walked forward from his hiding place towards the visitors.

"I have the hammer!" The fisherman reappeared at the top of the well and tossed the tool down to Jack.

"You're all dead now!" Jack held the weapon out in front of him in warning.

"Wait!" The closest elf begged. "We mean you no harm!" The carpenter then struggled to keep Jack at a distance, constraining him.

"I think he's telling the truth, Jack!" he tried.

"I am, I am! How else do you think your crops have been growing? You don't even water them or anything," the elf pleaded for their safety.

Jack suddenly stopped his struggling and stared at the tiny elves.

"You see, Jack? They want to be your friends." The carpenter smiled warmly.

Jack walked slowly forward, not wanting to scare the leader elf in any way.

SMACK!

The hammer came down upon the elf with a thud, crushing the elf beneath it. The rest of the elves panicked, screaming in fear and began running frantically around.

"That'll teach you to call me a bad farmer!" Jack smiled remorselessly.

"What have you done!" The carpenter simply stared at him in disbelief.

"Rodents need to be exterminated! Plus, I wanna kill something. I don't have any chickens yet," Jack explained.

"Kill the murderers!" an elven voice sounded from the crowd, sending off a chain reaction of hateful war cries.

The fisherman acted fast, throwing down the rope he had taken from the toolshed, though he still was not completely sure what was happening down in the dark well. Jack began to climb the rope clumsily with Ruff hanging from his back loosely. The carpenter, unfortunately, was getting the worst of the deal with all the small elves crazily crawling over him and beating at him with all they had.

"Hurry up, Jack, they're breaking skin," he yelled in pain.

Emerging from the other side of the field, Eve and her grandfather could now be heard.

"Grandfather, come back!" Eve yelled.

"No! I must stop the invasion!" The raving maniac ran hastily towards the commotion with a small stick of dynamite in his hand.

Jack finally managed to climb his way out from the well and the carpenter was now given the space he needed to crawl the rest of the way up.

"See you in hell, martians!" Eve's grandfather lit the dynamite and threw it into the well, unaware that the carpenter had not yet made his way up the rope.

It all happened very quickly. The fisherman pushed Jack to the ground just before the explosion, which caused the total and complete destruction of the well.

KABOOM!

"Haha!" The old man celebrated by himself while his granddaughter stood in amazed horror.

Jack slowly got up to his feet. Normally, he would have celebrated along with the old man, but the sight of Eve made him stop dead in his tracks, and he stared thoughtlessly at the perfect angel standing before him.

The fisherman looked on at the wreckage, too shaken for words.

"Oh, my God! Are you alright, Jack?" Eve rushed to his assistance. He looked at her in awe.

That was the coolest explosion EVER!

The carpenter turned out to be alright after all, aside from a few broken bones and looking burnt to a crisp. However, the elves all tragically seemed to have been obliterated in the blast. It was decided amongst the town that Eve's grandfather had to be sent away so that he could be taken care of (by one of the communist tribes surrounding the village).

Jack was just glad that he had properly protected his farm against the invading forces. Perhaps this was his first big step towards becoming a master harvester, but unfortunately, the credit was all given to Eve's grandfather. That didn't matter, as long as one day they all knew how special he was, and how great of a contribution we would make towards the wellbeing of the town.

Eve stayed with him for the remainder of the day, making sure that he was not hurt or affected by the day's events.

"Do you think you will be okay if I leave for the night, Jack?" she asked sweetly.

"For the last time, no!" Jack was getting annoyed with her repetition of the question.

"Haha, you're so silly. Tell you what, how about I stop by tomorrow on my way to work to check up on you?" She smiled warmly.

Jack considered this thoughtfully, but could not understand why she had to leave at all. She hugged him snugly and in another few seconds she was gone, leaving him all alone with his thoughts. The hug was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. He quickly picked up his journal, but all too suddenly, the events of the day had all been forgotten.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:15

Eev and I did sumthing notty and nao I hav 2 go tak car uv sumthing. O and I kild won uv santas elfs. Mi feelds ar good.

THE END

Episode Four: The Dance

It was the 23rd of the month, and the day of the flower festival. Jack had never been to a town celebration like this in his entire life, but he was very excited about it, nonetheless. A knock at his door sounded and he was suddenly overjoyed that someone had come to see him. He opened the door and looked around, but could see nothing.

"Down here," came the voice of the mayor below.

"Buddy!" Jack picked him up and hugged him tightly.

"Yes, yes… erm, not so tight now," the mayor beckoned Jack to set him down. "I just came by to notify you that the flower festival will be taking place today at town square. My daughter, Maria, will be there. I don't think you two have met before, so it will be very interesting indeed."

"What is the flower festival?" Jack interrogated.

"Why, it is the greatest festival of all! There is dancing and all sorts of wonderful things. I met my wife there, and perhaps you will meet your future missus as well! I used to be quite the ladies man back in my day, you know!" The mayor winked with pride. Jack had no idea what a ladyman would look like, but he was pretty sure he didn't want to picture it in his mind. "Oh, and one more thing. Maria likes flowers and green perfume. She absolutely detests cakes, poisonous mushrooms, and weeds… but don't we all though?"

Jack was confused by this. Was it really expected of him to buy gifts for a girl he had never met before? He nodded slowly, confused as to how he should respond. Poisonous mushrooms and weeds…

"Oh, looks like you have visitors. I shall be on my way, then. See you there!" The mayor left just as Eve and Nina had approached the farm, whispering to themselves with a clear sense of dissatisfaction towards one another.

"Hello, Jack," they both said at the same time, and then glared at one other.

"Hi," Jack greeted, relieved to see the pretty girls.

"Are you coming to town square today?" Nina asked intently.

"Nope. I'm going to the flower festival!" Jack looked at them proudly. The girls laughed foolishly at the assumed joke, but Jack was serious.

These people laugh at everything.

"Well, we hope to see you there," Eve smiled angelically. "I can't wait until I get to smell that wonderfully scented pink perfume!" she hinted.

"Oh, no. The green perfume is the best," Nina challenged.

Jack, knowing full-well that he would not be able to remember which color perfume each liked the most decided to get clues of what else they liked.

"Perfume sucks." They stared at him wordlessly, unaware of what he had meant by this. "I like… flowers," he thought back to Maria's dislikes.

"Flowers are nice. And cakes," Nina remarked.

"I like anything that is given from the heart, those are the real treasures in life," Eve aimed a fake smile towards Nina. "Oh, but I hate fish," she suddenly remembered.

"Yes, treasure is good..." Jack looked down, trying hard to memorize the likes and dislikes of both girls.

Another odd look circulated between them all, and the girls took this as a sign that it was time to end the conversation. They said their goodbyes and departed, wondering what the rest of the day had in store for them. It was an important time in the youths' lives in the village today, as they were all growing up and becoming young adults. Jack was very slow to realize this, unfortunately, and his low mental capacity left him straggling behind them all. Luckily for him, he was too dull to dwell upon this.

"This is going to be a great day!" He smiled giddily.

Jack made sure to take a trip up to the mountains before making his way to the celebration at town square. He remembered to get all the gifts that he could find (or, at least, he thought he did). Of course, he didn't even consider going to town to ask Ellen or Ann about their likes and dislikes, for he did not like them at all.

Town square was decorated completely with flower arrangements of all kinds. Jack felt like a ladyman just for being in such a girlish place, wondering why on earth he had bothered to show up there in the first place. But that all changed when he saw Nina and Eve. Both of them were standing by themselves wearing the most gorgeous dresses he could ever have imagined.

"Hi, Jack," came Ann's voice. Jack walked away. "Wow, father was right. He is a very shy boy."

Jack couldn't decide which girl to talk to first. It did occur to him that perhaps it wasn't an occasion that called for needless over-complication. He walked up to Eve, simply because she was the closest to him, and hollered, "HEY YOU!"

"Uh, me?" Nina looked at him questioningly from across the floor.

"Yeah, come here a minute," Jack said.

"Haha, Jack, you're so funny. With all the things that seem to go wrong in your life, I'm so glad you can keep such a positive attitude," Eve flirted.

Nina walked over, a little offended that he didn't walk over to her instead. She greeted him sweetly, nonetheless, and then hinted that the perfumes smelled wonderful.

"Oh yes, simply amazing," Eve agreed shyly.

"I don't smell anything except for these flowers. I have allergies," Jack said matter-of-factly.

"Wouldn't it be great to finally own some of our own, Eve?" Nina pushed on.

"Oh, yes! I would love that too," she agreed.

Jack thought long and hard on this. "You should definitely buy some," he agreed. They both looked at him, stunned. Then he remembered their gifts… but which gifts belonged to which girl? This was not going according to plan at all!

Think… think… what were the last words they each said? Goodbye. No, wait… I don't want to give them that. Cakes and Fish! But which one likes which?

Jack told them he would be right back. He had caught a fish earlier that day in the mountains, but he needed to find a cake very quickly.

"Hello there, Jack. Have you met my daughter yet?" The mayor's beautiful wife popped her head out from among the crowd as he was passing by.

"Do you have a cake?" Jack asked, ignoring her question completely.

"Uh… a cake? Well, uh, yes, I do, in fact. Why is it that you ask?"

"I need it, bad!" Jack nodded at her for no apparent reason.

"Well, it was supposed to be for later, but I'm sure you're famished, you poor dear. It must be hard working by yourself day after day on that old farm. The cake is on the table over there." She pointed to the other side of the square and Jack ran immediately towards it.

Picking up the cake, he ran back to the two girls he admired so much. They stared at him as he took the fish out of his pocket and dropped the gifts on the floor in front of them. The cake exploded all over the ground. Jack smiled at his accomplishment as they looked on in confused astonishment.

"You really know how to take a joke too far," Nina said furiously.

"Aw, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, Nina," Eve tried.

Jack was suddenly confused, didn't he get the gifts right? The poor boy didn't have enough money to buy perfume for either of them, which he most likely wouldn't have done sensibly anyway. He apologized and walked away in shame, not knowing what to do or how to deal with the situation. Just then, Ellen showed up.

"Hi, Jack. What seems to be the matter?"

"I gave Eve and Nina presents. They didn't like them," he said sadly.

"Aw, that's too bad. Don't worry about it, they're just being spoiled brats. I would appreciate anything that was given to me, whether it was to my taste or not. You don't happen to have anything for me, do you Jack?" Ellen bit her lip nervously.

"I'm not giving you your dog back, if that's what you mean," Jack said angrily and walked away, stopping only momentarily to turn back and stick out his tongue at her.

"Jack," The mayor called just as Jack was on his way out of town square. "You must come and meet my daughter, Jack!" He stepped towards him. "This is Maria. Maria, this is the new farm boy, Jack," the mayor said as a beautiful young girl stepped forward and curtsied before him. She had long blue hair and wore a schoolgirl's outfit. She was nothing like Eve or Nina in any way, but retained her femininity, unlike Ann or Ellen. There was a certain eminence radiating from her, some kind of power that told him that this was a very special girl who was both devoted and kind.

"Poisonous mushrooms and weeds," Jack whispered to himself.

"Pleased to meet you, sir." She said shyly.

"Meet to please you."

"Ah, the dance is beginning! Why don't you ask her to dance with you, Jack?" the mayor asked.

Jack nodded, not thinking about the fact that he did not know how to dance. Together, they joined hands and met in the middle of the square with the rest of the young people of the village. One by one, the girls circled around their partners, while the young men moved gracefully along. Jack looked around, clueless as to what to do.

"You all look very stupid," he laughed out loud.

As uncomfortable as he was, Jack was truly in awe of how Maria danced. Her eyes were shut, her movements were flawless, and her glow… there was truly something special about this girl, but Jack couldn't understand precisely what it was. Perhaps this was the girl for him, above all the rest. Looking around for an easy answer, he glanced at Eve and Nina as they danced. They appeared more beautiful than ever to him, but why did they not emanate the same wonderful glow that Maria had? Putting his hand on Maria's shoulders, Jack told her to stop dancing.

"Is something the matter, Jack?" Maria looked very concerned.

"Could you kick their asses?" he pointed towards the other girls.

"…Wh…why would I want to do that?" she could barely spit out the words now.

"They said you are a dumb-dumb," Jack's facial expression never changed from a mild state of disinterest.

Maria considered this carefully before answering, "I believe… that they may feel ill will towards me because of my father's position in the town, and perhaps they are right to have such feelings. But my actions define who I am, and not my position. They must remember that God loves us all equally."

Jack walked away. She sounded like a preacher, and he wouldn't have any part of it. Maria was taken aback by what had just transpired, although she did not fully comprehend his reasons for leaving.

Jack may not have been the most polite fellow in town, but despite the way he acted, he really did like Maria. He just wished she wouldn't talk. Ever. Now, if only there were a way to get that perfume for the girls, he thought to himself.

"Jack," Maria had followed him. "Did I say something to upset you?"

Jack almost panicked. He must be able to do something to stop her from talking! He looked around quickly, but there was nothing around him but decorations. That's it, he thought. Quickly, he grabbed a bunch of flowers from the wall beside him and held them out for Maria.

"Oh, how… thoughtful." She took them from him then.

"Yeah, I think a lot," Jack agreed. "I brought them from home."

Knowing that he was lying, the kind girl thought nothing of it. She knew he was embarrassed, and people who are embarrassed often lie.

"I think they are beautiful. Thank you. I must be going now, I promised the priest that I would help him set up for tomorrow's charity event at the church. I bid you goodbye, and it was nice to finally meet you!" She smiled and walked away.

Charity…

"For me?" He reached into his empty pockets. Whatever was he going to do about growing crops next season? The little elves that tended to his fields were all dead, and he still hadn't figured out how to 'spread his seeds' yet. To his surprise, however, his pockets were not completely empty. The contents within consisted of weeds and a poisonous mushroom. It was only then that he thought, if he gave back to the community, perhaps they would be willing to help him out in times of need as well.

Filled with a sense of purpose, Jack walked confidently across town square with the weeds and mushroom held securely in his arms. With a sense of pride and amusement, he dropped the gifts at the feet of Ann, the tomboy he knew to be an inventor of some kind. He had never thought twice about her level of intelligence, and always shunned the possibility that this girl may one day create something worth his time. However, today, it was in his best interest to pay her the attention she deserved and to pay compliments to her brilliance.

"Oh, you couldn't afford perfume so you did what you could to get me a gift anyways?" Her eyes lit up and the beginning of a smile formed across her face.

"Not exactly. Can you invent me a sandwich with these?"

It had been a very confusing day, and Jack was actually quite glad that it was finally over. He still had no clue what the girls liked or disliked, he just knew whom he liked and whom he disliked. Wasn't that all that really mattered? The poor farmer boy still had a lot to learn about adulthood, but he surely couldn't learn it all in one day.

"I don't know what to do, Ruff," Jack slumped down on his bed. Ruff was nowhere to be seen.

A muffled bark sounded off from somewhere near.

Jack walked over to the door and let his dog inside, "Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

Suddenly, raindrops could be heard falling upon the roof.

"Ohhhh! You love the rain, Ruff!" He jumped for joy before booting the pup back outside into the pouring rain.

Yeer:1 Munth:1 Day:23

2day I wos at the taon box and I gav manee prezints too the gerls. Maria 2. I need muny reelee bad and sumhow I will com up with a way too git it. Donnt werry muther and fother, the farm is in good hanz. Flawers ar prittee. I hat perfyoom.

Having written yet again in the little journal, Jack's day was complete and he could finally go to sleep.

"'Night, Ruff."

THE END

Episode Five: Rainy Day

On what was supposed to be a very hot and sunshiny summer day, it rained. It poured. Finally, it stormed. Jack, of course, loved the rain. He loved to laugh in it, he loved to play in it, he loved to sing and dance in it, and he loved to make a mess in it. Unfortunately, on this particular dark and stormy day, the roof of Jack's house was leaking.

At first, the young rascal was overjoyed by the thought of his house becoming like a swimming pool, but then he realized it would be all for naught when he finally opened the door to the entrance. Being the sly chap that he was, he believed that his first course of action should be to take care of the leak on the inside. A bucket would have been sufficient if placed directly underneath the leak, but what was to happen when it overflowed? No, a bucket wouldn't do at all. Instead, Jack went out to his tool shed and grabbed his trusty sledge hammer, still coated with the blood of the elf he had mutilated not one month ago. With a gigantic swing, Jack put a hole in his floor right beneath the leaky spot in the ceiling.

Proud of his quick thinking, he then decided that he could handle this entire job of fixing the roof on his own, without the help of the carpenter or his trusty aide.

A blast of lightning lit up the sky outside of Jack's small farmhouse, followed by a crash of thunder, which scared Jack's little dog, Ruff, to the point of yelping.

"I'm not afraid at all," Jack announced proudly.

The next step would be actually going onto the roof and fixing the leak. Now, he could have waited until the storm was over, but by then his house might be flooded completely. In the end, Jack made the decision to fix it now rather than later.

Back in the tool shed, Jack prepared the necessary equipment to complete the task. First, he was going to make steps on the side of his house to allow him to go on the rooftops whenever he pleased. For this, he fetched a hammer and some nails. The next step required that he fill in the hole. For that he chose chewing gum.

Soon, Jack was outside in the middle of the storm, hammering nails deep into the side of his house. Considering his lack of competence, he did a fine job in the reckless destruction of the side wall, and was quickly able to climb the nails to the top of the roof with little difficulty.

Ruff watched from down below as Jack clumsily tried to walk along the slanted surface until slipping on the wet logs and falling helplessly to the dampened ground. This happened three times.

It was then that it occurred to the youngster that perhaps he should go find something in the shed to help him keep his balance while walking upon the roof. Frustrated and embarrassed at having such difficulties, Jack marched angrily back to the shed where he searched long and hard for a long stick of some sort. There were no sticks to speak of, but he did manage to find a long metal pole that perhaps may have been used for various jobs around the farm by his grandfather.

Jack went back outside into the worsening storm and again climbed up the side of the house onto the roof where he attempted to plant the pole down between the wooden logs to help him gain his balance. This did not work, and Jack fell to the ground once more. Despite how he felt after this failed attempt, the brave little soldier got back up and continued to climb to the rooftops. This time his plan was foolproof, he drove the pole right through the logs and into the ceiling, and held on tightly as he examined the roof for the source of the leak.

"I found it!" He yelled down to his loyal dog, and placed the chewing gum in the appropriate spot. Jumping up and down on the spot in celebration led to yet another fall, as the pole stayed planted in the roof.

"Well, that takes care of that!" Jack grinned down at Ruff proudly.

CRASH!

Lightning struck the pole in a quick flash and within seconds the roof was on fire.

"What are the chances of that?!" Jack cried.

The boy and his dog stared on as the flames began to engulf the whole of the rooftops.

"It's okay, pal, the fire can't get to the inside of the house," Jack reassured his friend. "Plus, I'm pretty sure the rain will put it out."

But the rain did not work fast enough, and it soon became apparent to the farmer that the situation was becoming very critical indeed. After numerous failed attempts to convince Ruff to go get help, Jack decided it was all up to him once again.

At a fast pace, Jack ran inside the house and grabbed his favorite belongings to move them to the henhouse.

First, he grabbed his diary and ran it over to its new location. Then, he struggled to carry the television out, which ended in him dragging it through the mud across the way. The last thing to go was his bed. It was then that he realized the fire was now on the inside of the house and would soon engulf the entire premises.

With all his might, he pulled the bed out from the corner of the room, and then got in behind it and pushed. All was going well until one of the bed legs got stuck in the hole he had recently created under the leaking ceiling.

"I know what you are trying to do, God, but I will NOT go to church!" Jack tried lifting the bed, but to no avail. The roof was now beginning to collapse, and Jack realized he was running out of time.

Just then, the pole that had been wedged in the roof fell down right in front of the bed. Jack attempted to pick it up, but it was too hot and he quickly dropped it. He could not for the life of him figure out how the pole had survived so long when his roof had easily been burned to ashes.

Ruff barked weakly from outside of the burning house, and Jack took that as a signal to leave. There was nothing more that could be done for the home, and Jack would have to find something else to sleep in from now on. Side by side, the boy and his dog stood watching as the house collapsed into a flaming heap before them.

"Oops."

Jack realized something at this point: if the villagers found out what had happened, he would be cast out and would then have to go back home to his parents and admit his failure. No matter what, he had to make sure that no one ever found out about this, for it would mean the end of him.

The only thing he could think to do now was to go to town and make sure that no one came to visit him today, even though it was still storming terribly and no one would be outside anyways… it didn't occur to poor old Jack. Running at a fast pace towards town, with Ruff following close behind as Jack's shoes filled with water, his heart started racing very fast at what may soon happen to him.

The town looked deserted, and Jack thought perhaps his luck was changing for the better. He then began to think hard about what could be done to fix the situation. The obvious answer was to rebuild, and rebuild he would!

"It can't be that hard, can it?" Jack turned to Ruff for guidance. "People make houses, and I'm people! All I need is some wood. And if I finish before the storm ends, no one will know a thing!" He smiled excitedly at his resolve.

Before heading up to the mountains to cut some trees down, Jack and Ruff made a quick stop back at the farm to pick up an axe from the tool shed, which was now his new home.

The mountains had trees all around, and Jack wouldn't have any problem getting enough wood. Choosing the biggest tree he could find, he began to hack away at it in hopes that it would come down easily. It took longer than he had expected, but eventually, the tree came down with a thud. The next tree was a little bit smaller and Jack was able to chop it down with little problem. The third tree was an issue, although he did not know why. Something told him deep inside that he should not touch this tree and that he should leave it alone, but he couldn't remember why; so he began to hack at it anyway. The surface of the tree seemed thicker somehow, and Jack was having a very hard time cutting through… but that didn't stop him, as nothing would. With all his might, he pressed on and soon he was able to knock it down.

What he saw next reminded him why he was not supposed to knock this particular tree down. This tree was the tree that the carpenter lived in, and where he was at this very moment recovering from last season's 'incident'. The house remained the same, except that it now had no walls or ceiling to protect it, and the carpenter was just waking up from a nap to find that his treehouse had been knocked down.

Upon seeing this, Jack froze in panic. The carpenter looked around, unable to think straight and refusing to believe what his eyes were telling him.

"Some storm we're having today..." Jack smiled as he hid the axe behind his back.

"J…Jack? What happened?"

Jack ran away, leaving the axe on the ground. This was the last straw. The carpenter could not take this troubled boy or his insanity any longer. It was time to get even with him. The carpenter, in a rage of fury, decided he was going to kill this absolute menace of society. Getting out of his now soaking wet bed, the carpenter picked up the axe from the ground and began walking towards town where Jack had run for safety.

"This time you've gone too far, runt!"

Jack did not know what to do now. The carpenter had caught him in the act! He was finished! In fact, the carpenter was probably on his way to the mayor's house to tell him what had transpired right then, and there was nothing he could do about it. Unless…

Despite how out-of-breath the young farmer had been from all of the running, he jogged at a steady pace towards the mayor's house in hopes of beating the carpenter there. His mission was a success. Knocking on the door, Jack began to call for help.

The door opened slowly and a tired mayor came into view. "Jack? What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm going to kill you!" The carpenter yelled from twenty feet away, holding high the axe that was used to cut down his home.

"Oh, my…!" The mayor looked on in shock.

"What did you do to him?" Jack stared stupidly at the mayor.

"I think he means you!" The mayor grabbed Jack and pulled him inside, tightly shutting the door and locking it for security.

Like a scene from a horror movie, the carpenter began to hack at the front door of the mayor's house, determined to end the life of the poor unlucky young man who had accidentally destroyed his life.

Inside the house, the family began to panic. They had no clue what had driven the carpenter to such madness, but they knew that they had to do something to protect themselves, or be murdered in a matter of minutes. The mayor, his lovely wife, and their precious daughter all stood close to each other as they discussed a plan of escape. All the while, Jack began fixing himself a snack in the kitchen. When he turned around, the family was gone, apparently forgetting the poor defenseless youth by himself.

With a final swing of the axe, the carpenter had penetrated through the doorway and entered the home in a mad frenzy.

"You! Why did you take everything from me? Why?! You murdered an elf and left me for dead, then you chopped down my home! And for what?" The carpenter lifted the axe high in the air, closing the gap between him and Jack.

"I have good answers for all of those," Jack proclaimed.

"It's too late for that!" The carpenter began to swing downward upon the boy. Jack closed his eyes tightly as he was about to meet his end, but it never came. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ruff was biting the carpenter's leg and he refused to let go. The carpenter kicked hard in an attempt to rid himself of the dog, and Jack took his chance to escape.

Jack ran back out the front door and the carpenter soon followed, now running at an equally fast pace.

"Put the axe down!" Called the voice of the bartender. He was standing not 10 feet away, joined by the carpenter's worried younger apprentice, the fisherman, and the town priest.

"He… he… he," the carpenter couldn't think straight. He was too angry, too overcome with rage to speak the words he wanted to.

"It's okay, we can fix this. You just need to calm yourself and put down the weapon," the priest assured him.

The carpenter did not know what to do. With all the courage left in his heart, he dropped the axe and surrendered. Upon hearing all the commotion, other townsfolk began pouring into the stormy streets to see what had happened.

"We'll fix this," the priest walked up to him and smiled. "We want to help."

"Speak for yourself! He tried to kill us!" The mayor and his family appeared.

"He broke down my door!" The mayor's wife was crying in peril.

"He scared me half to death!" Maria said through tears.

"I just came from the mountains, he chopped down all the trees!" the fisherman yelled in outrage.

"He…" Jack was feeling rather left out of the torrent of accusations, "he burned down my house!"

Shocked, the townsfolk went into a frenzy. They yelled, they screamed, and they cursed at the carpenter. The man was ruined, and now he was also unarmed.

It was decided that the carpenter would be sent far, far away. Something had thrown him over the edge of sanity, and there was no saving him now. The townspeople felt sorry for Jack, and everyone offered to help rebuild his home just the way it was… only bigger!

The carpenter's apprentice became the new carpenter in town and everyone was happy with how things were going from then on - especially Jack.

A doghouse was built for Ruff in honor of his brave actions in saving his master's life. The people praised the young pup as a hero, and everyone met in the church the next day to thank God for allowing Jack to survive all of the ordeals that fell upon him. Jack was absent for this.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 2 Day: 11

The farm didnnt bern daoon I swaar. It got biggr. The carpintr wint crazie and tride to kill me but im aliv. Hes gonn nao. Ruff got a doggee haoose to and its cool. I miss yoo both a lot and im ok. I donnt lik storms aneemore.

Curling up in his nice new bed, Jack drifted off to sleep.

THE END

Episode Six: Harvest

There are two truths that are very evident about Jack. The first truth is that he is not very socially experienced, and the second is that his stupidity can often lead him to dangerous situations quite easily.

The harvest festival is the celebration held by the (town name unspecified) townsfolk every fall, when all the people are encouraged to bring their own ingredient to add to a large stew pot, which is later stirred and cooked thoroughly so that everyone can eat and enjoy it. Being a very clueless and secluded bunch in a town where almost no one cares to venture out to, the townspeople are very nearly as socially dense as our old buddy Jack. It is for that reason that no one caught on to the dangers of inviting the young farmer to the festival this year.

"And be sure to be on time," the mayor added cheerfully before leaving Jack's home.

"Yes, sir!" Jack had barely paid attention. He had always wondered why he was the only one in town who seemed to lose track of time. This was because Jack did not own a clock or a watch. Idiot.

When Jack shut the door, he realized that this particular festival was going to be his one true chance this year to prove himself as a capable farmer. A smile began to form across his lips as he imagined the looks on people's faces as he dropped his gorgeous crop into the stew. How jealous they would be, and oh, how the girls would praise him for his efforts. This event could either make or break him in his mission.

Another knock at the door came suddenly. It was the local fortune teller, come with news of the future from the great beyond. Seeing the familiar face excited Jack very much, and he gave her a big hug before any words of weight could be spoken.

"I come with… let go, I can't breathe… news," she said in an eerie tone of voice.

"No thanks, I hate reading."

"Not the newspaper, imbecile! I bring news of the future… stay away from the harvest festival tomorrow! Stay Awayyyy!" She walked away, still staring at the confused boy.

"The midget said to go… so I'm gonna go," Jack decided. It was time to choose a vegetable!

Unfortunately, when Jack looked at the fields, he realized that there were no crops. The idiot still hadn't learned how to manage them, or even where to begin. It seemed he would have to improvise… somehow.

It was a terrible situation, but with absolutely no effort put into his farming duties, it was no wonder he found himself in it. With Ruff by his side, Jack walked into town to try and figure out a solution.

When the boy and his dog found their way to the small park consisting of two trees and a garden, Jack sat down to think some more. There were always different things growing up in the mountains, perhaps he could take a look there. Or maybe the fisherman could teach him how to catch fish…

Suddenly, a cloud of smoke circled around the young farmer and a mysterious man appeared out of nowhere.

"Hello, Jack… I've been waiting for you," the small, crazy man giggled to himself.

"…Jesus?" Jack's mouth hung open in astonishment.

"Erm… not quite. They call me… the Peddler!"

"Oh, I know you! Didn't you fight Batman?" Jack bounced around excitedly.

"No, that was the Riddler. I am here to save you from failure, Jack. Think of me as a more masculine fairy godmother of sorts. I have something that will be of great value to you." The little man smiled widely.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!" Jack held out his hands to the stranger.

"Uh, uh, uhn! Not so fast, Jack. It wouldn't be fair for me to give these valuable items to you for nothing, don't you agree?"

"I do not."

The peddler did not appear to be amused. "These Rare seeds cost 2000 gold. If you don't pay up, I'm afraid I cannot give them to you."

Jack considered this for a moment. If this man had been waiting for him, he must know a lot of things. But… if he knew so much, then why the hell didn't he know that Jack was broke?

"Something smells fishy," Jack crinkled his nose at the man.

"Oh? I don't know what you are talking about."

"I mean that you stink. You should shower," Jack instructed sincerely.

"Yes, well… I guess I'll be off to go do that. Unless…"

"Okay, bye!" Jack turned away.

"Wait," the peddler yelled. "Unless there were another way for you to pay me," he said, smiling ever so sinisterly.

Jack thought long and hard for an answer, but couldn't think of one.

"Tell me," the peddler continued, "what is your most prized possession?"

"What does that mean?"

"The most valuable thing you own."

Jack was even more confused now.

"What's the bestest thing in the entire world?" The peddler was getting annoyed.

"Ruff!" Jack held his dog high in the air.

"Ah, well then perhaps we have a deal?" The peddler giggled again happily.

"What deal?"

"My seeds for your dog."

"How about you pay me 2000 gold for my dog, then I pay you 2000 gold for the seeds, and then we can sit down and sing a song?" Jack liked this idea better, it seemed much more fair.

"I don't have two thou… very well." The peddler used a chocolate coin in place of the gold, knowing Jack wouldn't realize the difference at all. With that, he gave the rare seeds to Jack and disappeared into another cloud of smoke, and laughed loudly to no one in particular.

"What a nice criminal!" Jack began the venture home.

Upon returning to the farm, Jack buried the seeds under the soil and watered them in hopes that they would bloom into wondrous vegetables the next day.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 11

I lost mi dog but I got seeds 4 him. I feel bad but I no that u will bee praood uv me 4 it win tomoro I will b the bestest at the festvl.

Jack woke up bright and early the next day and ran outside as fast as he could to see what had happened in his fields. To his surprise, something had actually grown overnight… flowers. Studying them hard for a moment, Jack tried to think of any sort of situation in which the townsfolk may let him put any sort of plant into the stew. Even Jack wasn't that stupid.

"He… took my puppy!" Jack had tears in his eyes now. Never before had he seen this dark side of life. He had been duped. There was only one thing he could do now, and that was to get even with the mysterious stranger he had met the day before.

With no dog at his side, the sad boy walked back inside his house to plan his revenge.

The harvest festival began in the middle of town square, where most of the yearly festivals were held. As expected, the evil peddler had shown up to try and talk the citizens into buying his rare seeds; but Jack was ready for him.

As the day went on, the people chatted and laughed and drank while the newly arrived guests dropped their offerings into the large pot of stew. The peddler, of course, had nothing to offer of his own, nor did the little weasel think twice about his rude gesture. Most of the townsfolk were savvy enough to walk away from him when being offered a bargain, but it was Nina that fell victim to his lies first, angering Jack from behind a wall as he hid away from the eyes of the people.

Seeing that the peddler had caught the attention of the cute girl, Jack knew that this was the time to strike. Jumping from out of his hiding space in a costume he had been saving for Halloween this month, Jack surprised his enemy.

"Stop, villain!" He called out to the peddler. The people all stopped what they were doing to look at Jack in his ridiculous outfit, consisting of his regular everyday clothes, a small mask around his eyes, and a cape.

"Who are you?" The peddler inquired.

"Oh, for the love of all things holy!" The fortune teller could be heard shouting from the amongst crowd. "Son of a bitch just won't listen! I'm going home!" She stormed off.

"I am the great… Farm Boy!" Jack announced. " I have come to get my doggy… I mean, my dog back!"

"Oh, it's just you," the peddler laughed. "You look ridiculous!"

"No, you look ridickis!"

"Jack, is that you?" The mayor stepped forward.

Darn! Farm Boy thought to himself. My secret identity has been found out! I have to think fast!

"Nope."

"Prove it." The mayor cocked his eyebrow in suspicion.

In one (almost) fluid motion, Farm Boy kicked the mayor in his special area and watched as the poor mayor fell to the ground in pain.

"It… it isn't Jack," the mayor announced, shocking the townsfolk into loud gasps.

"Clever move, hero! Let's see how you fare against my bag of wonders!" The peddler threw down his sack of mystery at Farm Boy, which the boy then tripped over, falling to the ground helplessly.

"It has been a pleasure, Farm Boy, but I really must be leaving," the peddler said, and a ball of smoke exploded at his feat.

"Not so fast!" Farm Boy ran into the smoke to catch the evil fiend before he could get away, but alas, he was too late. It was impossible to see through the thick blanket of smoke, and Farm Boy swung wildly about him.

"Ow, who hit me?" Nina whined.

"Sorry! I mean… it was the bad guy!"

"Farm Boy?"

"No, the peddler!"

"Why is he the bad guy? Farm Boy kicked the mayor in the balls," Nina said angrily.

"I just don't like him," Farm Boy dismissed her.

Out of the thick fog, Farm Boy was kicked hard in the stomach and fell to the ground once again, this time in severe pain.

"You don't give up, do you, Farm Boy?" The peddler laughed.

"You took my dog! For that you must die!" Farm Boy lunged at the shadowy figure from the ground, knocking the villain over.

"Ahh! You have found my weakness, physical violence!" The peddler cringed in hatred. Farm Boy held him tightly, refusing to let go.

With all of his strength, the peddler wiggled free and got up to run away. Farm Boy reached out and grabbed hold of the evil man's foot, tripping him. The evil menace fell right into the boiling pot of stew which he knocked over, spilling it all over the church-going boy from down the street.

"Wahh!" The boy cried as the stew burned his skin horrifically.

Phew, Farm Boy sighed in relief. Good thing I don't know that kid.

Farm Boy then continued to beat the living crud out of his enemy until the peddler finally gave in and swore to return the dog to him immediately.

"I'll bring him to Jack's farm, just don't hurt me anymore!" The peddler cried and ran away.

The crowd cheered for the new hero and Farm Boy took a bow.

"Whenever there is trouble… don't bother calling me. I'm busy." Farm Boy disappeared.

Minutes later, Jack returned to the festival without his disguise on. The people were all talking about the events that had just unfolded, and everyone was eager to tell Jack the amazing story.

Bored, he walked away. As usual.

Upon his return home, Jack was happy to find that Ruff had been returned to him, safe and sound. He hugged him tightly and promised he'd never pawn the poor animal ever again.

With the stew being knocked over, no one had realized that Jack had forgotten to bring anything to add to it, and the rest of the festival had been a fun celebration. He chatted with all of the girls, ignored most of the elders, and thoroughly enjoyed his run in with the evil peddler.

Jack had established himself as a true hero amongst the town, and even though they didn't know it was him, he was satisfied.

Tired out from the long day, Jack picked up his journal and began to write in it.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 12

Batman aynt got nuthin on me.

THE END

Episode Seven: Double Date

Fall was a very busy time for everyone in town, but especially for Jack. It was the farmer's job to ship enough crops during that season so that he had enough money to last throughout the winter. As usual, Jack was not making very much progress on that end. As he sat outside on the ground with his little dog, Ruff, he thought long and hard about what should be done to save the farm.

Just then, Eve poked her head out from around the side of Jack's home. She was as pretty as he had ever seen, and easily took his mind off of the matters at hand.

"Hi, Jack. I was just stopping by to see how you were doing."

"I'm good. Bye!" Jack figured the conversation was over.

"Hahaha, and to talk, of course," Eve laughed. "I was thinking, Autumn is a very tough time for everyone, and it must be especially difficult for someone so new to this way of life. Perhaps you would like to take some time off and spend the evening with me?"

Jack was excited by this, but disturbed by the fact that a 'day off' was nothing really out of the ordinary for him this season… or any season.

"Y…es," Jack said slowly.

"Great! Meet me at the pub around 8, okay?" And with that, Eve was gone.

It then occurred to Jack that he had no way of telling the time, and he had to use what little money he had stored away to go buy a watch.

On his way into town, Jack stopped to consider who he should ask where to buy one. It came to him almost immediately - Nina! Nina was knowledgeable in all things. It helped that her house was closest to his farm too, because Jack did not like to walk long distances.

He opened the door to her home and was greeted by her mother.

"Hello, Jack, Dear. How are you?"

"I need to talk to Nina," he replied gravely.

Nina's mother went to Nina's room and summoned the beautiful girl.

"Heya, Jack! I didn't expect to see you here. You told my mother you needed to speak to me about something?"

"Yes, it's very important," Jack confided. She really was a sweet girl, and was also an even match for Eve as far as her looks went.

"Well, then I'm all ears," she smiled.

Jack considered this statement for a moment. It was plain to see that she was lying, perhaps she inherited that from her mother, the con artist. Poor girl.

"So," she pushed on. "What is it?"

"I don't remember." Jack surprised himself with his own truthful words.

"Aw, did you come here to ask me out, Jack? You're so shy, and I think it's sweet. Of course I'll go on a date with you! Pick me up at a quarter to 8, okay?"

"I need to buy a watch," Jack remembered finally, disregarding the awful situation he was setting himself up for.

"Hmm, I don't think the hawker is in town today, so you can just take mine instead. That is, if you don't mind having a pink watch." She winked at him.

He did mind, but he accepted the tool anyway. As he walked back home, something was troubling him. What is a quarter?

Jack met Eve at the pub right on time, as he had already forgotten what time he was to pick Nina up at. The two took a small romantic hike up to the top of the mountains, hand in hand, and all was going well, as Eve continued to talk and Jack pretended to listen. They sat down and Eve set up a picnic for them.

"Isn't this romantic, Jack?" Eve batted her eyelashes at him as she prepared the food.

"Yep. I have to go now."

"What?! Why?!" Eve panicked. "You ARE coming back, aren't you?"

"…To finish the picnic… yes!" Jack made the correct decision. He was only just beginning to realize the trouble he had gotten himself into.

As quickly as he could, Jack ran down the mountains and made his way to Nina's house. It was now 8:15.

"Jack, you're late!" Nina answered the door.

"Could be," he relented.

"Oh, you must have thought I said a quarter 'after' 8, silly. Ah well, it's no big deal. You're here and that is all that matters." She came outside and locked the door behind her.

Jack was just about to lead her up the mountains to join in on his date with Eve, when Nina interrupted his plan with one of her own.

"Okay, first, I want to go to the park! And then we can go to town square for a romantic walk under the moonlight!" Nina bounced around in anticipation. Jack had no clue what to say to this, so he agreed with a wary nod.

The park was barely big enough for the two of them to sit, and it was a little awkward being in the middle of the town for everyone to see them.

"I can't believe you asked me out, Jack! For a while I thought you liked Eve instead of me, but I guess I was wrong. Isn't it crazy how things somehow work out in your favor like that? Gaaawwwdd, she's gonna be soooo jealous when I get to tell her we've been out on a date! I can't wait!"

"That reminds me, I have to leave now." Jack stood up to go.

"What? But we've only just started our date, am I boring you already?" She pouted her lips like a puppy dog.

Jack almost said yes, but was afraid of what the consequences of that might be. "I'll come back?" he asked carefully.

"Okay, good. Don't be too long!"

With that, Jack ran all the way back up the mountain pass to where he had left Eve and the picnic. When he returned, everything was set out perfectly and Eve sat smiling at him.

"That took a while, where did you go?" she inquired.

"To the park. I have a message for you from Nina." Jack smiled proudly, happy to know he remembered over the long hike back.

"Oh, you saw her?"

"Yes. She wants you to know that we are on a date..." Jack stared dumbly at her.

"Oh, she knows about us, does she?" Eve laughed evilly. "Well of course I know it's a date, I set it up! Oh my God, she must be so jealous!"

Jack was now totally confused. Was that what Nina had meant? He didn't think so. But Eve was smart too, so perhaps she knew better than he.

"Yes, she said that word too. Jellez."

"And she admitted it to you? Haha, I feel bad for her," Eve lied.

"Me too," Jack agreed. "I forgot to do something though, be back in a minute." Jack raced back to town before Eve had a chance to object.

Nina was sitting in the park, just where he had left her.

"What took you?" she asked.

"I was talking to Eve." Jack was afraid of how Nina would react to this.

"Isn't that funny that we were just talking about her? Does she know we're on a date?"

"Um…" Jack didn't know why people asked two questions at once, he never knew which to answer first. "Yes."

"Haha… poor Eve."

"Yes," Jack answered the second question.

"Where was it that you went? That is, if you don't mind my asking."

"Poor Eve," Jack agreed.

"Hmm?" Nina was confused.

"I went nowhere."

"But… where did you see Eve?"

"I didn't say anything." Jack was now sweating.

"Huh?"

"I told you, nowhere."

"Jack, you're confusing me," Nina complained worriedly.

"Nevermind, I'll be right back." He ran away.

Jack made it back to the mountains as fast as he could, but when he arrived, Eve was looking pretty annoyed.

"Where did you go this time?"

"Food!" Jack grabbed the basket of food and stuffed his face, hoping the girl would relax and forget the matter completely.

"Jack, is everything alright?" Eve now looked concerned.

"Not at all," Jack confessed.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you..." Jack whispered secretively.

"Why not? I'm here for you, please just trust me, Jack." Eve was almost in tears, she really wanted to believe that the two shared something special.

"You might get mad," Jack warned.

"Tell me!"

Jack took a deep breath, "We're on a date."

"Oh, and that… scares you? You're afraid to be taking such a large step. I understand, I really do, Jack! We can do this together, though! Together we can get through it." She held his hand firmly, but warmly.

Jack was surprised, she seemed to be taking this well. He had just confessed to being on a date with Nina (for the second time that night), had he not?

"Wow, I didn't expect this!" Jack suddenly perked up. With that, he was gone again.

"Just what in the heck is going on inside that boy's head?" Eve found herself suddenly alone once again.

Jack was almost completely out of energy, and the jog back really got to him. Nina was still in the park, waiting irritably.

"Jack, where do you keep disappearing to?" Nina tapped her foot on the ground angrily.

"I'm on a date," he confessed, hoping to get the same reaction he had gotten from Eve.

"Duh. Are we going to town square, or not?"

"Yes." Jack just wished this night would be over. He really had absolutely no clue what was going on, and he suspected that neither did they.

"Finally! Okay, I'll meet you there. Nature calls." She excused herself.

Jack let out an inaudible gasp, "Nature talks to her...?"

"Jack, what are you doing here?" Eve appeared almost out of nowhere.

"Standing. Uncomfortably." Jack scratched the back of his neck. He was a nervous wreck at this point.

"And who were you talking to? I heard voices in the darkness and I know one of them was you."

Jack looked around cautiously and then whispered to her, "It was nature!"

"That's stupid." Eve was outraged. She knew he was lying to her, and she was not impressed with his behavior tonight.

"Can we go back to where we were before we came to this place…? Nowhereland?" Jack pleaded.

"Why? What is with all these secrets? What are you hiding from me?"

There it started again, two questions at a time. Did she want two separate answers, or should he try to combine them into one?

"I…"

"Eve? What are you doing here?" Nina appeared once more. "And Jack, you're supposed to be at town square!"

Eve turned to look at Jack questioningly, he stared back at her.

"I believe she asked you first," Jack informed her.

"Jack and I are on a date," Eve almost yelled at Nina.

"What? Jack is on a date with…"

They both yelled, "JACK!"

"I'm right here! Why are you both yelling?" Jack clamped his ears.

Nina stayed to yell at Jack for ten minutes after the truth had been revealed. If Jack had been smart, he would have defended himself by saying that he really did try to tell them that he was dating both of them that night… but he was having a hard enough time trying to keep up with her outraged words as it was, and so he did not speak.

Eve went straight home, wrote a letter expressing her hurt feelings, and dropped it off before he had even arrived home himself. It said things like: Egotistical, self-centered and backstabbing jerk, followed by irresponsible, greedy and stupid moron.

After reading the letter, it was pretty clear to Jack what he needed to do. He needed to buy a dictionary.

The dating world was even harder than he had initially anticipated, and he decided that next time he wouldn't have two dates going at the same time. Apparently, this made women into emotional lunatics.

Still confused over the whole ordeal, Jack crawled into bed with his journal and thought about what to write in it.

Yeer: 1 Munth: 3 Day: 25

Deer muther and fother, Im a litl bit broke and I needd sum munny. Gerlfrendz arr expensiv and I nao hav 2!

THE END

EPISODE EIGHT: SNOW WHITE

Winter had finally come, and Jack was having a ball. He had nothing to eat, nor any money to buy food with, but that did not seem to faze the lad one bit. Every day seemed like a new adventure, whether it be tobogganing, skiing, or just playing in the snow! On Tuesday, Jack thought it would be funny to run around town and hide in the snow as he threw snowballs at the townspeople. He awarded himself extra points for every person he seriously injured. This was truly the best season ever!

But with no food or money, Jack was completely unprepared for disaster, and on Thursday, disaster is exactly what struck the little town. While the people all slept in their nice warm beds, a blizzard occurred outside. Jack awoke the next day and found that it was too snowy to see anything outside, which he was delighted to know. That day, he went out to enjoy the snow once again, until he became cold and had to go inside. The storm continued for 3 days, and upon that third day, the snow had gotten so piled up that it was now higher than his own house. Jack was completely snowed in.

"What are we gonna do, Ruff?" He looked down at his clueless companion. The dog seemed to have no ideas of his own either.

There had to be some way for Jack to get outside and play in the snow, and perhaps find some food while he was at it too. The first job was to somehow get from his home base to the tool shed so that he could get a shovel, but he was in desperate need of one at this very moment. The boy then remembered that when he had his house rebuilt, the generous townspeople made an escape passage on the roof for the youth to climb out of… but the ladder had also been left in the tool shed.

Picking up his dog, Jack set him into place and stepped on the poor animal as he tried to gain leverage. Not liking this, Ruff walked away, and Jack fell to the ground with a loud thump.

"Miserable little…" Jack fumed. Getting up again, Jack moved his bed into place and got on top of it. With ease, he grabbed the cord that hung from the ceiling and pulled on it. The escape passage had been opened. Now it was time for Jack to do what he did best: jump on the bed. He jumped, over and over, forgetting the task at hand almost completely until he jumped so high that his head fit itself through the escape pass. It was then that Jack grabbed hold of the roof and hoisted himself up.

Victory! Jack was on the roof, and it seemed that the snow had settled itself right at the edges. That is a lot of snow, Jack marveled. Now it was time for him to make his way to the tool shed. Only a piece of the roof of the shed could be seen as well. Without another thought, the boy launched himself forward and off from the ledge. He then landed in the snow before him - DEEP in the snow.

Stunned and cold, he turned his head and looked upward. Jack was stuck in the 7 foot high pile up of snow. Instead of thinking about how he was going to get out, Jack decided to start digging towards the front door of the shed… or at least, where he thought that would be. It seemed that the more he dug, the less progress he was making and the more snow that fell on top of his back. It took a few moments, but Jack finally realized that the situation was hopeless, and he would have to think some more about how he was going to get anywhere.

Perhaps the only thing for him to do now was to wait until the storm stopped, and the sun could come out and melt all the snow. This might have worked, if that process did not require a few days to happen. Jack was already feeling very hungry, and his skin was beginning to feel the repercussions from the cold.

"I need… comic book fire powers!"

Jack attempted to stand. It took a few tries, but he finally managed it. The snow below his neck all caved in and pinned him completely. It seemed that every time Jack tried something, it only got worse for him. He looked up, two feet of snow still towered over him all around his head.

Feeling there was nothing else he could do, he made a meal of the snow. It was not very satisfying, and he still wanted some real food. With all his might, he tried to wiggle his arms and legs free. The rest of the snow collapsed on top of him.

With no way of breathing, and the cold snow freezing his face, Jack panicked and waved his limbs around like never before. It was difficult, but Jack slowly progressed his way up to the top of the snow and stuck his head out in the cold wind.

"Freedom," he celebrated. He hadn't gained any distance, but he was alive. It was then that he decided that jumping into the snow would continue to yield dire consequences, and so he wouldn't try it again.

Swimming in a pool of the heavy snow, he forced his way closer to the roof of the tool shed. By the time he got there, he was frost bitten and shaking. Swallowing hard, he dove once again down to the depths of the snow, using the wall of the tool shed as a guide. Jack's bottom landed on the doorknob on the way down, and being as frozen as it was, it broke off.

"Uh oh…"

With almost no room to move once again, Jack tried to use his feet to recover the broken knob below. He was too numb to feel anything, and he considered the knob a lost cause. How was he ever going to open the door now?

Feeling for the place where the knob had been, Jack's finger found its way inside. The snow began to cave in once again with the movement, but with a push of his strength the door opened and Jack fell inside the tool shed in a heap of snow. He somehow had succeeded!

Still half frozen, Jack pushed on with his mission.

The determined farmer grabbed hold of a shovel and began to dig at the snow blocking his doorway. Of course, there was nowhere to actually put the snow except for piling it up in the tool shed, so that is what he did.

In an hour, Jack had gained around 7 feet of distance, and his tool shed was full of snow.

"I should be in town in a few short hours!" Jack said to himself with a proud smile. The boy continued to dig, long and hard. It was not long before he felt he was too tired to go on any longer. The lack of energy could have been blamed on the lack of food he had in his body, but putting the blame on something or someone was not going to help his situation at all.

Weakly, Jack hacked at the snow in front of him. He fell to his knees and began to claw at the end of his tunnel as best he could. It seemed hopeless.

Four hours had passed by, and Jack had lost all hope. He sat in his pathetic tunnel of snow wondering how he was ever going to survive this ordeal. The poor boy could now see he was getting a runny nose, and his health was being put at great risk.

"Ahh-chooo!" he sneezed.

Most of the tunnel collapsed behind him at the loud sound. Jack now sat in a tunnel that was not even four feet high, and 5 feet long. With nothing else to do, he began to dig once again.

Suddenly, he hit something hard. At first, he couldn't believe it, but the shovel smacked against it once again and he celebrated with joy. He had reached town at last! He dropped the shovel and clawed at the hard surface, in time revealing a door.

Proudly, Jack took hold of the knob and let himself in.

Inside the house was very strange, there seemed to be no one inside the small building at all. There was an open hatch in the ceiling and a cruddy bed in the middle of the room. Perhaps the people who lived here were crazy.

"I've entered a new dimension…"

He looked under the bed cautiously to examine the odd placement of such an object. Ruff was underneath.

"Ruff? What are you doing here?" The sleeping dog ignored him coldly.

Jack looked around once again. This was his home.

"The storm must have blown my house all the way into the town while I was sleeping," Jack whispered in surprise.

He crawled into bed, promising himself it would only be for a moment or two so that he could get warm. Unfortunately, the tired boy fell fast asleep.

Yeer:1 Munth: 4 Day: 7

THE END

Episode Nine: Starlight

The starlight festival was one of the most important times in a young person's life. This was frustrating to Jack, being the only single young man of an age to marry in the town, and having five eligible young women to choose from.

Ellen and Ann had not made the impression they had hoped to on Jack, as he was simply too shallow to notice them in such a way. Eve was without a doubt one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen, and they usually got along together quite well. Nina was of course always in competition with Eve, and was equally as stunning. The girl was known for her temper, however, and Jack had gotten the worst of it when they had their "date". Maria was a very sweet girl, and had a certain presence about her that captured Jack's attention whenever they met. Aside from her devotion to the church, she very well could be the right girl for him. It was just too bad that he wasn't able to spend enough time with her to get to know her the way he wanted.

Tonight, Jack would have to ask one of these girls on a date with him, and announce themselves as a couple to the town once and for all. The farmer still had no idea whom he was going to ask. Feeling hopeless, he threw on his coat and went outside into the cold winter atmosphere. He walked over to the 'Goddess Pond' and sat down to think, but something was wrong… he felt an odd presence.

"Jack…" a sudden voice scared him. He looked around, but could see nothing.

"Who's there? Ruff? Was that you, boy?"

"No Jack, it is I." A slim, feminine form appeared before him over the pond. It was a gorgeous spirit woman from another realm, and she had come to give him a message. The boy had never seen anything or anyone so beautiful in his entire life.

"Wh…who are you?" Jack began to shake with anxiety.

"I am the Harvest Goddess, my dear. And I have come to tell you great things."

"Am I dead?" Jack pinched himself.

"No, Jack. That would not be a good thing, dear. You have a certain destiny in this town. A legacy that you must uphold. You are to be the protector of this town, my boy. Without your presence, the town will be in danger, and all your loved ones will perish."

"That's okay, I'm leaving in a little over a year anyway. I suck at farming," Jack said brightly.

"…Yes, yes you do. That is why I have come to offer you a new path. Tonight you must choose the girl of your dreams, Jack, but you have no clue who that girl is. I propose that you marry me, and together we shall live in the outer realm, forever protecting the town from harm."

Jack considered this for a moment before answering, "I can't marry a ghost!"

"I am no ghost, you can be sure of that. I am a spirit goddess. I can make your wildest dreams come true, Jack. You will know pleasures you never thought existed!"

Jack knew exactly what she meant by this: ice cream every night before bed, no farming duties as long as he shall live, and a TV with more than 4 stations!

"Jack… you can live forever! If you were to choose another girl, you would have to be a farmer for the rest of your miserable life, and somehow manage to keep the farm in your family so that they can continue on in your place as the protector. The only way to ensure the town's safety is to be with me!"

"Hmm." He was about to say yes, when he realized that this spirit goddess was completely nude. "What are THOSE?" Jack pointed at her accusingly.

"Um… uh, these?" The Harvest goddess was taken aback.

"Yes, they look powerful. Is that where your power comes from?" Jack had a big smile on his face.

"That… that's not funny. I really hope you're joking." The goddess held her hands over her breasts to cover them. This… protector, was obviously an idiot; but was he really that innocent too? Was he truly going to be able to resist her sexual appeal?

"Sooooorrrryyy for not knowing about your power tools!" Jack was clearly offended. Why should he be expected to know where the source of her powers came from?

"Uhm… yes, in a way, they are part of my powers… I suppose."

"Cool! So can I have some too when I become a god?" Jack jumped for joy in anticipation.

"You can't be a god! You are mortal! No mortal can ever be a god, they can just gain the gift of eternal life." The goddess explained.

"What are they called?"

"What are what called?"

"Your power mounds!" Jack yelled.

"Can we please get off the subject?"

"I WANT POWER MOUNDS!" Jack screamed adamantly.

"THEY'RE BREASTS, YOU MORON!" she screamed back at him, angered by the immaturity of her future husband.

"I'm not gonna marry you until you give them to me!" Jack folded his arms, crossed his legs, turned around and sat down with a very angered expression on his face.

"You will do as I say!"

"Meanie!" Jack refused to budge.

She sighed, "Alright, how about this: you can have anything OTHER than a pair of breasts. Sound good?" The goddess attempted to calm herself.

Jack turned around slowly, "Really?"

"Anything," she promised.

"Well, I kinda like the look of that."

"What?"

"Where your thingy is supposed to be." He pointed.

"Oh, for crying out loud, kid," the goddess fumed.

"You promised!" Jack accused her.

"Alright, they're yours. They just won't be on your body… technically." She laughed to herself then. Poor Jack was confused as ever, and here she was making jokes that he didn't understand. How rude!

"Can I touch?!" He jumped to his feet excitedly.

"Not until we are married," she insisted.

Jack considered this deal, "Okay! What do I have to do?"

"A wedding for a goddess is much different than a mortal wedding. You must go out and find four important offerings."

"You mean like wedding gifts?"

"Exactly!" She was finally getting through to the boy.

"Aren't the guests supposed to bring those?" Jack inquired.

"Not this time. You must go and find something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue."

"Then what?"

"Then you will come back here and throw them into the pond where they shall be sacrificed to the netherworld forever!" The goddess looked very serious.

"I can do that!" Jack exclaimed. "I'll be back in an hour."

Happy with his new arrangement, Jack set off to find the four items as a sacrifice for his future wife. It took a while, but Jack was back in just over an hour with the items.

"Ah, you have returned, my love!" The goddess was happy to see him.

"Yep. I got all of the things you wanted, too," Jack said proudly.

"Wonderful. Okay, something old?"

Jack walked over to the first specimen and removed the tape from its mouth.

"Jack, what on earth is the meaning of this? Oh my, it is the great Harvest goddess!" the local priest cried in wonder.

"SomeTHING, not someone!" the goddess raged.

"Same thing." Jack pushed the priest into the pond, where he would be banished forever to the netherworld.

"Jack! What have you done? This man worships me," she cried.

"That's okay, you have me now," he replied triumphantly.

"Rrrgh! Fine. Something new... and it had better not be a small child, or I swear...!"

"It's not, I couldn't find one anywhere. Look! I cut my finger!" Jack held his hand up to her for inspection.

"...Uh huh…So?"

"It's a new cut! Still bleeding!" He flapped his hand around in her face.

"Honey… how do you expect to get that into the netherworld without losing your entire finger?"

"Oh… on second thought, I'll look for an infant in a few more minutes."

"Ugh! This is hopeless!"

"And here we have something blue," Jack held out a pretty violet.

"Jack, you didn't remember the last thing, did you?"

"Weren't there only three?"

"No. You forgot 'something borrowed'." She held her head in her hands, annoyed beyond any emotion she had ever experienced.

"Oh yeah," Jack remembered. He pulled out a small farming guidebook from his pocket.

"Hmm… looks like you could have used this during the year. Who did you borrow it from?" The goddess was relieved that he finally got something right.

"Myself. I won't be missing it, I promise," he beamed.

"JACK! You are without a doubt the dumbest creature in the history of all existence! I've known squirrels with twice the IQ you have!" The goddess raged uncontrollably.

"Awe, our first fight! I will treasure this forever. If we fight as much as my parents, there will be a whole lot more too," Jack reflected.

"I can't do this! Father was right, earthlings are not worthy. I may spend the rest of eternity alone, but I know it will be much better than listening to you!"

"You can't mean that! You're angry, just calm down and we can get through this." Jack tried his best to console her.

"Have fun trying to protect your precious village when you die a mortal's death! Good-BYE!" The goddess disappeared.

Jack was stunned.

"I still want my power mounds," he complained into the pond. Poor Jack felt totally alone and unwanted, and now he was back to where he began.

Who will I spend the starlight festival with now? he thought. Oh well, at least I got rid of the priest… if only I could get rid of the church too.

"Hi, Jack." He turned around and saw Maria standing behind him.

"Hello."

"Do you mind if I sit down?" she asked.

"'Kay."

Maria took a seat beside Jack at the rim of the pond. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither one knowing what to say.

"Jack, would you mind if I asked you a question?" She had finally broken the uncomfortable silence.

"Go ahead."

"Why is it that you haven't asked anyone to go to the festival yet?"

Jack did not know what to say to this. "I…don't know."

"Well, you are the only boy of an age to marry, and it is expected of you. I understand that it may be a lot of pressure, but the townspeople are counting on you. Are you planning on moving back to the city? Is that it? You want a city girl?" Maria was visily confused.

"That isn't it. I don't know who to choose," Jack sighed.

"Well, I know we haven't had much time to really talk… but if you are having so much trouble deciding, perhaps that means that you haven't been spending time with the right girl yet?"

Jack was confused by this. "Uh… yes."

"So, perhaps… you could listen to your heart and make a decision?" Maria questioned him. He looked into her beautiful blue eyes, they sparkled like nothing he had ever seen before.

"… My heart can talk?" he whispered in exasperation.

"Haha… you know what I mean," she laughed.

He did not. But he did know that he must make a decision, nonetheless.

"Okay," he answered.

"So you will spend tonight with me?" Maria asked hopefully.

Jack stared at the beautiful girl before him and held her hand gently, "Nope, I have to go. Bye." He ran off.

Maria was left alone, stunned and depressed.

Jack arrived at his destination and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. This was one of the scariest and most embarrassing moments of his life, and he couldn't have felt any more awkward about it. But alas, it had to be done.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

A pink haired woman answered the door and asked what his business was.

"Is Nina here?" Jack asked softly.

A moment later, Nina showed up in the doorway, looking as pretty as ever.

"Oh, Jack, I knew you'd come! I just knew it! You've come to ask me to the starlight festival with you!" Nina hugged him tightly.

"Um, actually, you're good with directions… and I forget where Eve lives. Can you show me?"

Yeer:1 Munth: 4 Day: 24

Deer muther and fother 2day I met a bootifl womin from heven and all most got mareed 2 her. Then I wint to the festvl with eve after giting slaped bi neena reelee hard. I also sacrfised a preest, just lik I always told yoo I wood.

THE END

EPISODE TEN: YEAR END

Jack's first year with his new community had come to a close. It left him feeling very accomplished, although he was still dead broke and had not yet upgraded the farm at all. He still had a full year and a half left in the small town until his father came back to inspect the property and decide whether Jack was fit to stay.

Gathering at the summit, the townspeople celebrated New Year's Day together with laughing and chatting. Eve stayed very close to Jack the entire time, for they were officially now a couple. It was not easy for the other girls to see, but in time they would learn to accept it.

The mayor stood up and announced that he had prepared a speech.

"I am so proud of you all for another wonderful year. It is my pleasure to announce that in all of my years of being mayor, this is by far the most rewarding. My daughter, Maria, is practicing to become a nun, so I would like us all to join together and wish her a wonderful year away. It is unfortunate that I must inform you all that we have still not been able to find the priest, so we must all assume that he has gone to a better place."

Jack turned to Eve, "I don't think it's all THAT great of a place."

"This year has had its ups and downs," the mayor continued. "We lost a few great people. The first being Eve's wonderful grandfather, who was pronounced insane, and then somehow escaped from the mental institution, never to be heard from again. We lost the carpenter in a similar way. Also, the priest, as I mentioned before. But we also gained a special addition to the village from the death of a beloved old farmer. Farmer John was a very special man and will always be remembered in our hearts, but now we have his wonderful grandson, Jack! Jack, please stand up and take a bow!" The crowd cheered.

Jack bowed gallantly. He felt very uncomfortable at the moment, knowing that it was his fault that three of those four named men were gone. Eve held his hand warmly, proud of him for his year's work.

"A productive fellow, indeed," the mayor smiled. "How much money have you raised this year, Jack?"

"Raised where?" Jack's response was met with laughter. He looked around, unable to understand why they were laughing at him.

"Always the joker," the mayor said proudly. "I'm sure that soon he will have enough money and resources to upgrade the farm not once, but twice! I bet the lad is saving up for the biggest and the best right now. Isn't that right, Jack?"

"What is this? An interrogation?" Jack cried in outrage at the bombardment of questions. They all laughed again. Eve had taught him the word 'interrogation' when she said he asked too many questions.

"Hahaha," the mayor made sure his laugh was louder than the rest. "As a token of our appreciation, we all chipped in to buy you a bit of livestock." The mayor smiled and turned away to grab a chicken from his wife's arms.

Jack ran to retrieve his gift, happy as he could be. He finally had a chicken, and all he had to do was defend himself publicly. The chicken could see it in Jack's eyes, however that this boy was insane, and likely wanted the poor animal dead. It moved about wildly, trying to get away, but Jack gripped the bird hard and proudly made his way back to where Eve was standing.

"Ah, yes," the mayor was glad to see how happy the gift made the boy. "Perhaps now you can get into the livestock business. I'm sure you have what it takes."

Jack glared at him for this comment.

The festival had been a success, and Jack took the chicken home with him, excited at the thought of lopping its head off. Eve kissed him on the cheek and was then on her way back to her own home.

Jack set the animal on the ground and went to get his axe from the tool shed. When he came back outside, the chicken could be seen running away halfway down the fields.

"Stupid chicken!" Jack yelled and quickly began to chase after it. Ruff followed close behind, barking uncontrollably. The axe was heavy and it made it hard to run. Eventually, Jack was forced to drop it and run after the chicken empty-handed. The chicken was extremely fast, and it knew that if it surrendered that it would not live long enough to regret it.

Jack was catching up to it, running easily through the open fields.

"After it, Ruff!" Jack pointed at the chicken up ahead of them. The dog's attention had finally caught on to the bird, and he was now chasing quickly after it at blinding speeds. In seconds, the defenseless chicken had been caught.

It clucked loudly as Jack got hold of it and took it back to where he'd dropped his axe.

"It's nothing against you, really. You're just smaller than me and taste really good, so I have to kill you," Jack tried to explain. Picking up the axe, Jack walked back to the tool shed where he shut the door behind him. He set the chicken down on the work table and readied his axe.

This was the end for the chicken, there was no getting away now. It simply looked into the eyes of its destroyer and accepted its fate. Jack began the swing…

Jack couldn't finish.

"Why can't I do this?" Jack wondered as he looked back into the sad chicken's eyes. "I smashed an elf-like thingy who wanted to be my friend so easily… why can't I kill this stupid pathetic animal?" Jack attempted to put the axe down, but couldn't do that either.

Looking back, he realized that the axe had gotten stuck in the wall behind him when he attempted to swing.

"Oh! That's why!" Jack laughed as he began to tug at the axe. The chicken went ballistic once more and ran about the enclosed room crazily. It wasn't morals that were stopping Jack from killing, it was merely a wall.

Finally the axe came free and Jack chased the animal around the shed, swinging like a madman. Ruff watched in confusion, wondering what was happening.

The chicken ran under the work table and caught its breath. Jack began to hack at the table's legs in an attempt to crush it.

When the first leg broke off, the chicken panicked and ran out again. Jack went on the rampage once more, while Ruff clawed at the door to get away from the madness.

"Die, chicken!" Jack was finally able to hack the head off of the poor animal. But then, something happened that Jack never expected: the headless chicken was still running about crazily!

It took a few seconds to register in his mind, but then Jack realized what was happening. This chicken was indestructible!

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!" Jack screamed in terror as he ran for the door and continued the scramble to his home.

Jack and Ruff stayed hidden in his house, afraid that the headless chicken would knock on the door at any moment and claim its revenge.

KNOCK KNOCK!

Jack jumped. Slowly, he walked toward the door and turned the knob. When the door opened, the friendly face of Ann could be seen.

"Hello?" Jack only kept the door open a crack.

"Hi, Jack. I was just coming over to instruct you on how to get the chicken to lay eggs. Lina was my father's favorite chicken and he felt that she would be more comfortable on a farm," Ann explained.

Aha! Jack thought to himself. His favorite chicken, he must have placed a curse on it in case anything bad should happen to it.

"Um, I'm busy," Jack said.

"Oh, it won't take very long, I promise," she pressed.

"I think it's a little mad at me right now," Jack replied.

"Why? What did you do?"

"Um… nothing," Jack lied.

"Well then, did Lina do something to you?"

"… It just kinda, lost its head for a moment, that's all," Jack explained.

"Yeah, Lina can tend to go crazy at times. I can show you how to deal with her and calm her down too." Ann smiled happily.

"You can make it not want to kill me?" Jack opened the door a little more.

"Yep."

Jack fully opened the door and slowly stepped back outside. He agreed to let her calm the chicken down. Together they walked over to the tool shed and opened the door. The chicken was lying in two pieces on the floor, side by side.

"Oh no!" Ann cried.

Jack couldn't understand what had happened. A few moments ago the headless chicken was still running around aimlessly.

Ann then noticed the broken work table.

"Jack, do you usually keep that axe on your work table?" Ann asked suspiciously.

"Yes…" Jack expected her to lecture him and then go home to tell her father what a horrible person he was.

"It looks like the leg gave out and the axe fell on poor Lina. Ooh, the poor thing. How could this have happened?"

Jack looked at her, astounded. "Yes!"

"Aw, I'll go tell father what happened. Maybe I can get you a new one, but in the meantime… fix that table!"

"I will do that!" Jack responded. Ann left, and Jack was left staring at the corpse of the broken chicken.

Ruff entered to join his master in his contemplation. Would this chicken suddenly come to life again, now that the girl was gone? Cautiously, Jack walked out of the tool shed and ran in fright back to his house, leaving his dog in confusion once more.

Ann returned a few minutes later with another chicken, Tanya. They sat down and Ann showed Jack how to keep the animal calm, and instructed him on the do's and don'ts.

Ann left and Jack was left alone with his new pet. "Don't worry, Tanya, I won't chop your head off like I did to Lina." He stroked her feathers.

Walking back into the tool shed with Tanya in his arms, he decided that it was time he learned to fix a work table. Jack used a hammer and nailed the leg back onto it as best as he could. The nails were sticking out everywhere, but there seemed to be enough that it would be sturdy on its own.

Admiring his work, Jack patted himself on the back. He looked down at the chicken at his side and said, "Okay, let's get you into your pen."

As Jack turned to walk away, he heard a slam behind him. He turned back only to see that the leg had been too loose, and the table had fallen once again… on top of Tanya.

"Good thing Ruff isn't in here..."

Yeer: 2 Munth: 1 Day: 1

I had chikkin fer dinr. It wuz good. I maid it throo mi ferst yeer in taoon and I no that yoo will both be happee win yoo com 2 see mee in a long tiim.

P.S. Eev luvs mee!

THE END

EPISODE ELEVEN: PROPOSAL

It was a hot Summer day, and Jack was visiting the mayor and his wife at their lovely mansion. Many issues were discussed in full as Jack either agreed with his typical head nods or disagreed with death threats; all the while, not understanding a word of what was being said. It was during these ramblings that the subject of marriage came up, catching the poor young farmer off his guard.

"And speaking of such happy things, I must admit that there is something that has been on my mind for quite some time." The mayor smiled then. "It seems that you and the young waitress have become quite the item, Jack. When should we expect the two of you to be married?"

Jack stared, unable to think of what to say. "Um…"

"It is now that time in the young villagers' lives that they must start thinking about such things. Our daughter has gone off to become a nun, and Nina is moving soon to go and meet a nice bachelor in the next town over. I'm sure that Eve is awaiting your proposal, Jack."

"But I'm only (unspecified) years old!" Jack whined.

"That is just the age we were when we tied the knot." The mayor and his wife smiled at one another.

"…What knot?" Jack was getting angry. Both hosts laughed at this.

"It is customary that in our village, the male must buy a blue feather from the peddler and give it to the one he wishes to marry," the mayor explained.

Jack hissed like a cat at the mere mention of the peddler. The peddler was Jack's most hated enemy, and he would stop at nothing to ruin him. But now it seemed that Jack was in need of something in the peddler's possession.

"It's quite the costly item, I must warn you. Do you have 5000 gold tucked away somewhere? Oh, what am I saying? Of course you do! Shipping all the things you have been over the last year and a half, you must be rich," the mayor gushed.

Jack was 10 gold rich, not 5000 gold rich. He was going to have to find a way to get the money he needed fast, or else face the consequences.

"So, anyways…" The mayor was interrupted when Jack ran out of the house.

"He certainly doesn't waste his time, does he?" the mayor's wife observed.

Jack was on his way back to his farm when a familiar cloud of smoke suddenly circled its way around him.

"Hahahahaha! Hello, Jack! Nice to see you again," a voice laughed and a shadowy figure appeared from the mist.

"Riddler!" Jack accused.

"PEDDLER!" The peddler screamed in fury.

"What do you want?" Jack got down to business.

"I know you are in need of something valuable, and I just happen to have one for sale. It is just too bad that you'll never be able to afford it! Hahahahaha!"

Jack was about to agree, but then he decided it was a joke made at his own expense. Feeling there was nothing more he could do, he continued his walk home. The peddler laughed and laughed as the cloud of smoke swept him away into the pit of Jack's mind, taunting him.

When Jack got home, Eve was waiting for him.

"Hi, Jack! I was just feeling a little lonely now that Nina is gone, and wanted to know what you're up to today?"

"I'm going to make 5000 gold," Jack stated firmly.

Eve stared hard at him. She had been dating the buffoon for nearly two seasons, and she still had no idea what went on inside his mind. "Um, how are you going to do that?"

"I don't know." Jack sat down on the spot to think.

"Well, what do you need the money for anyways?"

"I can't tell you or you might tie the feather without me." Jack crossed his arms.

Eve cocked an eyebrow at this, "Most of your jokes go right over my head. I'll be at home if you need me." She turned to walk away. Jack stood up to watch as she left, but he could see nothing hanging over the top of her head.

There was no way he could manage to earn 5000 gold in such a short time, and he knew it. It was because the situation involved the peddler that Jack realized there was only one solution to this problem. He had to defeat the peddler once and for all, and there was only one person he knew could do it.

Opening his drawer, Jack pulled out his small mask and long red cape. It was time for Farm Boy to make another appearance. Quickly, he put the costume on and ran out the door as fast as he could.

"Farm Boy to the rescue," he announced, noticing only too late that Eve had come back.

"Um, what are you doing?"

Jack stared at her, embarrassed as could be. "I'm… going to go defeat the peddler," he admitted.

She studied him for a moment. "Jack? Is that you under that small mask?" She hadn't quite figured him out yet.

"No. I'm behind it," he corrected her.

"Why are you going to fight the peddler?" There was no way she was not going to condone this kind of violence.

"Because… I have to buy something… but I don't have enough money for it," he watered down the truth.

"You're going to rob him?!" Eve yelled in exasperation.

"No! I'm going to… destroy him… and then take what isn't his anymore," Jack tried to calm her down.

Eve didn't know what to say to this. Perhaps he was lying, or perhaps he was drunk?

"Jack, have you been drinking?"

"And eating."

"Ugh! Jack, go back to the house and get some sleep. I'm going home. I don't know if we can continue to see each other if this is how you're going to act. I need some time to think it over." She left, more disappointed in him than she'd ever been.

"Phew, that was a close one," Jack sighed in relief.

Onward he walked towards town to find his arch enemy, but he couldn't find him anywhere. It then occurred to him that he had no weapon, and that could prove very dangerous. Walking down the street, he decided to stop in on Ann, the inventor.

"Hi, ugly girl," Jack greeted the friendly face when the door opened.

"Hmm?" came the confused reply.

"I need a weapon, one that can kill all evil things," Jack explained.

"Um… I don't condone weapons, but I don't condone evil either... Perhaps you were looking for my daughter, Ann?" Ann's father asked.

Jack stared hard at him, "Sorry, you look alike."

"Uh… right, I guess..." Ann's father said awkwardly before leaving to summon his daughter.

"Hi, Jack. What's up?" Ann asked.

"Well, the sky is up out here... and the ceiling is…"

"Oh, Jack, you're so funny," Ann laughed.

"I'm Farm Boy!" he corrected loudly. "I hafta fight the peddler. He made me tell the truth to Eve about something, and now I think she is mad at me, and I'm afraid he might have a weapon to kill me back with, and then take his thingy he is selling, and…"

"Wait, wait! Slow down!" Ann tried to calm him. "You need me to make you a weapon so that you can fight the peddler?"

"Yes."

"And you said Eve is mad at you?" she smiled widely.

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll help you if you really want me to. But why on earth do you want my help?"

"Because I also wanted a sandwich," Farm Boy admitted.

Ann was furious at this comment and slammed the door in his face.

"You forgot to let me in!" Farm Boy called. "Okay, I'll just wait out here while you make it… sandwich first, please!"

Farm Boy waited and waited, but Ann did not come back outside. It was soon going to be dark and he had not yet managed to find the evil peddler, but off in the distance he saw a cloud of smoke and began to run towards it.

"I have found you!" Farm Boy yelled.

"No, Farm Boy! 'Tis I who has found you," the peddler appeared.

"No, I found you!"

"No, I found you!"

"I found you infinity!" Farm Boy squealed.

"I found you infinity plus 1!" The peddler raged.

"You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can! No rulesies!"

Farm Boy punched the peddler in the face. Hard.

The peddler fell down and started crying, "You didn't have to do that!"

"I'm sorry," Farm Boy apologized. "I really need that blue thingy, otherwise Eve will still be mad at me."

"You can't ask her to marry you every time you get in an argument," The peddler whined.

Farm Boy thought about this carefully. He sat down with the peddler to talk. "Okay, I'll make a deal with you."

"What?" the peddler asked.

"I'll give you Ruff again for the doohickey." Farm Boy took off his mask.

"You really love that girl, don't you?"

Jack considered his words carefully, "Not really, she's just really, really pretty."

The peddler didn't know what to say. "I… can't do that."

"Okay, how about this: if you don't give it to me, I'll punch you again!" Jack held out his fist in warning.

"Fine! Fine! Meanie!" The peddler reached into his sack and took out a blue feather.

Jack had defeated the peddler once again, and now he could go propose to the girl that he thought was really, really pretty!

It took him two hours, but Jack finally remembered where Eve lived. She answered the door in her nightgown with an angry expression on her face.

"What do you want, Jack? I told you I didn't want to see you right now."

Jack held out the blue feather to her, not being able to say the words he wanted to.

"J…Jack, this is… are you serious?"

Jack was pretty sure he hadn't said anything just now, but he nodded anyhow.

"Oh, Jack! You moron! You don't propose during an argument! And you probably beat up that poor retarded peddler to get it, didn't you? Rrrgh!" Eve slammed the door in his face.

"Are you making me a sandwich?" Jack said into the door.

The door opened once more and Eve grabbed the blue feather from his hand before slamming the door once more.

"Was that a yes to the sandwich or yes to marrying me!" He yelled.

Feeling that he shouldn't push his luck any more, he walked home.

"How did it go?" The peddler suddenly appeared out of the darkness, sincere in his words.

"I think I need another one."

Yeer: 2 Munth: 3 Day: 8

I beeted the pedlr aggen! And I assd eev 2 marree mee. I think she sed no. I im going 2 go mak a sanwitch.

THE END

Episode Twelve: Farm Boy

Jack had settled in for a quiet evening by himself one night when Eve had gone to visit some friends in the next town over. The idiotic laborer had spent most of the day sulking over a lack of things to keep himself occupied with, and now he was at his very limits of boredom. A sudden knock at the door startled him, but he was excited at the thought that perhaps Eve had come back early… which would have been a whole week ahead of schedule.

Opening the door, he was surprised and actually a little pissed off to see that the visitor was none other than his greatest enemy in the village, the peddler. Realizing that he had nothing to say to him, he slammed the door in his face.

The peddler knocked once more. Feeling aggravated, Jack opened the door once more and asked what the peddler wanted.

"I mean no harm this time, really! I promise," the peddler pleaded.

Jack studied his face hard, knowing well that this man liked to lie.

"I need your help," the peddler said quickly. "I really do! The hawker has come back to town and I am in desperate need of something in his possession!"

"Why are you asking me?" Jack whined.

"Because, you are any peddler's nightmare, and if anyone can stand a chance of outwitting the hawker, it is either you or me. And if we are to join forces, then there will be no telling what we can do!" The peddler laughed maniacally.

Jack considered his proposition. It seemed as though the peddler was concocting some sort of evil scheme against a poor innocent man by the way he said "join forces", but Jack liked the idea of being all powerful. He was bored out of his mind anyways.

"Okay!"

"Yes! Haha! The magical bean shall be mine at last," the peddler danced gaily. "Okay, the hawker has the magic bean in his possession and it is our mission to get it from him by any means possible."

"Why?"

Because it is a very important item and I have been searching for it for a very long time. And the hawker is my greatest enemy."

Jack was offended that he himself had not proven to be the peddler's match, "Why?"

"Erm, because it is magic."

"Why?"

The peddler was getting angry, "Oh, fine! If you must know, the bean has the power to grow into a beanstalk, and I want to climb it!"

"Why?" Jack was still confused.

"Because it will grow all the way up to the clouds, and I want to know what it leads to."

"Why?"

"Because I may find treasure, you imbecile!"

Jack slammed the door once again. Why on earth should he be insulted for asking a simple question…or two?

Knock Knock!

"Jack! I am willing to offer you a great sum of money… enough to provide for you and your fiancée, and perhaps even to save the farm! That IS what you are supposed to be doing while you're in town, is it not?"

Jack slowly opened the door.

"I can't hear you when the door is closed," he explained.

Jack was very interested in the peddler's proposition, now that money had been added to the deal. $10,000 gold, to be exact. Jack was not smart enough to know it, but that would be more than he needed to upgrade the farm to its fullest potential and provide for an entire family for the next two years at least.

The two had agreed to meet later in the evening when all the townsfolk had gone to sleep in their warm homes to discuss what had to be done. By the time Jack had made his way to town square in his silly superhero costume, it was dark and cold outside.

"Jack..." a voice came from behind him.

"I only answer to Farm Boy!" He refused to turn around.

"…Farm Boy."

"Present!" Farm Boy turned around to greet the peddler, but it wasn't the peddler at all. It was the hawker!

"Hello, Farm Boy. I have heard many tales of how you foiled that terrible peddler in town, and I have been waiting a long time to meet you. But alas, it seems you have now joined his ranks as his sidekick." The hawker was a strange and ugly man.

"I'm not his sidekick! He's mine," Farm Boy announced angrily.

"Ah, but that is just not true. Are you not helping him in a case in which you care nothing about yourself?"

"English, please," Farm Boy was serious.

"You don't care about the beanstalk," the hawker explained.

This was true, and Jack would have agreed, had it not been for the money involved.

"You see," the hawker explained. "I cannot allow you to take the magic bean from me if you are using it to help that fiend, the peddler."

"I'm not," Farm Boy lied.

"Hahaha, I wish that were true. Unfortunately, I still cannot make a deal with you." The hawker began to walk away.

"What if I want it for myself? What would that cost?"

The hawker stopped in his tracks and thought it over.

"Hmm. Well, it would not cost you any money at all. I would trade it for a cow."

Jack had never had a cow in his entire time in town, and there was most likely no way he could ever get one now either.

"I can get that," He lied once more.

"Then you must promise that you will not give the bean to the peddler, ever." The hawker smiled to himself.

"Okay."

"Alright then, Farm Boy. You have until the end of the night, and then I must go on to the next town." And with that, the hawker disappeared.

Then, out of the darkness walked the peddler.

"Dude! What the hell?" The peddler was evidently quite angry.

"What?"

"I totally just saw you make a deal with the hawker to never give me the bean," the peddler accused him.

"No, I didn't."

"Yes you did! I saw you! He even looked me in the eyes and laughed as you made the deal!"

"Why?"

The peddler was about to explode with rage, but then he suddenly calmed himself. "Ah, I understand. You were telling a lie!"

"Yes!" Jack agreed.

"I like the way you think."

"I like the way YOU think," Jack was not lying now.

"Okay, so we need a cow, correct?" The peddler went on with the plan.

"Why?"

"Isn't that what the hawker said he wanted?"

"Yes," Jack remembered.

"Okay, so we need to give him a cow."

"Why?"

"…Because he wants one, I suppose."

"Why?"

"Jack!" The peddler was getting extremely frustrated.

Jack turned away.

"Jack, wait. I'm sorry I screamed at you, please don't give me the silent treatment," the peddler apologized.

Jack stayed facing away from his partner, but wondered just what the silent 'treatment' would be like.

"Jack, please do not be mad at me. I am truly sorry for yelling."

"It's not that," he admitted.

"Then what is it that I have done to upset you?" the peddler asked.

"Nothing."

The peddler did not know what to say to this. This was like arguing with a child. He considered yelling to get an answer, but that would just not do. "Huh?"

"I didn't say anything," Jack insisted.

"You said 'nothing'"

"Nothing isn't anything, stupid!" Jack corrected him arrogantly.

"I meant… Rrrrgh! Jack, turn around."

Still, the boy refused to move an inch.

"What must I do to get you to face me!"

"I don't answer to Jack, only Farm Boy."

"Oh, for crying out loud! Farm Boy! Turn around!" The peddler yelled and Jack complied. "I own a cow that I have been dying to sell... the magical bean is as good as mine."

"Ours," Jack corrected.

"Um, no. You get the 10,000 gold and I get the bean."

"No fair! I wanted both." Farm Boy pouted.

"Whatever. Let's go get that cow!"

So, the two raced off to get Bessy, the cow, to trade her for the magical bean.

"Now, Jack, I cannot be anywhere near you when you make the transaction…"

"Tran-what?"

"Trade." The peddler blinked hard. "I am going to go and inform him that I am leaving the town tonight, and he shall think that our deal is off. I shall reside outside of town until morning and then I will stop by the farm to pick up the magic bean." And with that, he handed Bessy's rope off to Farm Boy and departed.

Farm Boy walked the streets for many minutes until the hawker finally appeared.

"Aha! It appears that your friend, the peddler, has decided to leave town. It seems you are truly after the bean yourself," the hawker smiled and handed the magical bean to Farm Boy. "And what is this fine animal's name?"

"Cow." Farm Boy guessed.

"Hmm, I shall call her 'Bessy'"

"Oh yeah, that too," Farm Boy remembered, and was off on his way.

"What a strange young lad, poor soul. He won't last the night."

Jack arrived at home with the magical bean and put it on his dresser. He was about to go to bed when his curiosity got the best of him (as we all knew it would).

He planted the bean behind the toolshed, and went to bed.

Yeer: 2 Munth: 4 Day: 12

I finely dissided too plant sumthing! O and mee and the pedlr arr best frenz naoo.

In the morning, Jack ran outside to see that the magical bean he had planted the night before had grown into an amazingly gigantic beanstalk, just as the peddler had predicted. The peddler had not made his way to the farm yet, so Jack took it upon himself to climb it before his arrival, just to make sure he was getting the better end of the deal. And as he was about to climb it, he saw that some regular beans had grown around the beanstalk as well, so he could now eat those for supper. He picked a few of them and put them into his pocket, in case it would be a long journey back.

It took a while, but Jack finally reached the top of the plant and was now walking on clouds. Ahead of him was a gigantic castle, which he stupidly decided to enter without caution.

The castle was not made for a regular human's size, and Jack had to crawl through a crack in the wall to enter the structure. He explored as best he could, but could not find anything of value… except for a beautiful golden harp on top of a tall table.

Jack tried to use his magic Farm Boy flying powers, but they didn't work without his mask and cape.

"Hello?" Jack yelled up, not quite expecting an answer.

"Go back," came a woman's whisper from atop the table.

"What?" Jack looked harder at the harp, and realized that there was a golden woman attached to it.

"I said go back," she whispered a little louder.

"Why?!" Jack yelled back.

"He'll hear you," she whispered again.

"I can't hear you!" Jack yelled louder.

Just then, loud footsteps could be heard coming from the next room, and a giant emerged from the door.

"FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM! I SMELL THE ODOR OF A MIDGET'S BUM!" The giant looked angry.

"That's 'cause I farted," Jack hollered up.

"YOU!" The giant pointed at Jack.

"Yep," Jack confirmed.

"YOU WILL BE MY DINNER!" the giant began to chase after Jack. With each thundering footstep, the ground shook beneath them.

Jack ran as fast as he could away from the giant, but he soon realized that the giant was too fast for him. Luckily, the crack in the door was a shortcut outside onto the clouds and the giant would have to use the front door.

As Jack crawled through his escape hole, he thought hard about what could be done to stop the giant from coming down the beanstalk and destroying his home. Then he remembered that he had left his axe outside, right beside the beanstalk, and that he would have to cut it down.

Jack slid down the beanstalk as quickly as he could while the giant fumbled to climb down it. When Jack reached the bottom, he began to hack away at the plant as fast as he could cut.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" the giant began to feel the vibrations.

"I can't hear you when you're all the way up there!" Jack yelled up as he continued to hack away.

"WHAT?!"

With that, the beanstalk fell, and the giant along with it.

THUMP!

The giant lay down dead on top of the beanstalk, and Jack thanked his faithful axe with a kiss.

Ruff raced outside to see what all the commotion was, and upon seeing the dead giant, he began to bark uncontrollably.

Just then, the peddler had finally appeared and he stared at the deceased giant in amazement.

"Jack?" He could barely speak. "Wha… what happened?"

Jack pulled out a regular bean from his pocket.

"I think it's a dud."

THE END

EPISODE THIRTEEN: WEDDING DAY

The special day had finally arrived, and Jack could not have been more excited. All the preparations had been made, and all the guests were happily awaiting the grand event. Jack sat at home by himself while Eve snuggled into her wedding gown; all the townswomen were with her for support.

A knock came at Jack's door and he eagerly ran to open it. He was greeted by the mayor.

"Jack, my dear boy! The big day has finally arrived!"

"I know!" Jack could barely contain his excitement.

"Ah, I can't wait! But we must hurry, Jack. Everyone is already on their way to the church!"

"…Church?" Jack was surprised to hear this terrible word on such an extraordinary day. What were the people gathering at the church for? Did this event not take place upon the summit?

"Hahaha, of course! Where did you think you would get married?" The mayor laughed giddily.

Jack was shocked. "Married?!"

"Yes, married! What is the matter, Jack? You suddenly look very pale."

In fact, it had been the first day of Spring, and Jack had been eager to meet at the summit for the New Year's day festival.

"… New Years!" Jack was almost in tears.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course we'll still celebrate that. But that can be celebrated along with the wedding, after the great event has occurred," the mayor confirmed.

"Phew," Jack sighed.

"...At the church," the mayor finished.

"WHAT!" Jack was appalled at this thought.

"Well, Jack, a marriage only comes once in a person's lifetime, and it is far more important than some silly festival."

"No!" Jack yelled.

"Jack, you made the date with Eve yourself. What could possibly be more important than this?"

"I want my chicken!" Jack slammed the door in the mayor's face.

"Jack? Jack! Please come out, Jack," the mayor called. "You wouldn't want to leave Eve alone at the altar!"

"Churches suck!"

"Oh, listen to reason, Jack! This day will be even better than a typical New Years Festival! You are going to marry the love of your life," the mayor continued to plead. It was then that he decided that something had to be done to get this boy out of his home.

Dear Mother and Father,

The day has finally arrived! I am to be married to Jack. My life has found its path, and it is all because of him. I wish you were still here to meet him, he really is the most wonderful man I have ever met and I'm sure you would agree. I miss you terribly, and I will continue to lay flowers on your gravestones every day.

Sincerely,

Eve

The mayor made his way to the pub where Eve and several of the townswomen were preparing her for the coming event.

"Pssst!" The mayor had snuck into the pub and was calling the attention of his wife.

"What is it, dear?" The woman turned to her husband suspiciously.

"We have a… slight situation," the mayor whispered.

"Oh, don't tell me Jack is getting cold feet," she panicked.

"Not quite. He is upset that the New Year's Festival has been canceled."

"We mustn't tell Eve! Someone has to get that boy out of his house and into the church immediately!"

"Yes, but who?" the mayor pondered.

The mayor and his wife talked a while longer before deciding on what course of action should be taken. In the end, it was evident that getting Jack to come out of his house was not going to happen unless the festival was held too. It would take some quick planning, but the mayor would have to do what he could to make it happen.

The townspeople were surprised to hear about the sudden change of plans, but the idea was accepted and Eve assured them that she had no problem with it (although that had been a complete lie).

At noon, everyone had gathered together at the summit and the New Years festival was ready to begin.

"We gather here today for yet another New Years festival and… oh, bloody hell! Where in God's green Earth is Jack?!" the mayor raged.

The townspeople looked around to try and find the farmer boy, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"He said he would be right here… I don't know what happened," the mayor's wife spoke aloud.

"Perhaps he's still off preparing for the big day," the bartender interjected.

"No, no, no! He should be here now," the mayor whined.

"I can go to his farm and see what is keeping him," Nina's mother volunteered.

"No, I'll go. I can run really fast!" Ann was off in a flash.

While the townspeople waited impatiently, Jack sat at home comfortably upon his bed. The knock came at the door and he eagerly ran to open it.

"Hey, Jack," Ann greeted.

SLAM!

"Jack?" Ann was confused by this rude salutation.

"Go away, ugly girl!" Jack called.

"I can't hear you! Open the door!"

Jack opened the door and gave her an evil stare, "What do you want?"

"Everyone's waiting at the summit for you! We're gonna have the New Years festival before the wedding!" She explained.

Jack had already heard this news. "I can't go."

"What? But why not?"

"I'm getting married today, idiot!" Jack yelled.

"But… the mayor said you would be okay if we changed things around…?"

Jack thought about this for a moment. What she said had been true, but it did not make it moral, and that was where Jack was torn.

"It really isn't fair to Eve if I get a chicken and she gets nothing."

"What? A chicken…?" Ann was very confused now.

"Tell them I can't come." Jack slammed the door again.

"Jack! Please come back out! We all want you to be there and to honor everyone's hard work during the year!"

Jack considered this thought. He had, after all, become somewhat rich over the whole magic bean ordeal, and perhaps people would acknowledge his efforts. He opened the door and started walking to the summit without muttering even a word to Ann.

The two reached the summit and everyone was glad to see them.

The mayor began his speech once more, " I welcome you all and thank you for such a wonderful year. It is with great pleasure…"

"Where's Eve?" Jack interrupted.

"She's getting ready," the mayor answered.

"For what?"

"The wedding, you silly boy."

"Oh… I can't be here if she isn't here too." Jack crossed his arms.

"But… but why not?" The mayor was curious as ever.

"It isn't right." Jack snobbishly closed his eyes and walked away.

"Jack!" The mayor called after him. "You can't see the bride before the wedding! It is bad luck!"

"I didn't say anything about the bride, I said I wanted to see Eve," Jack corrected him.

The townspeople stared in disbelief as Jack headed on back to his farm.

Jack was one very mixed up boy, but he only wanted what was best for Eve. Before he was totally out of their view, he called back for someone to deliver the chicken to his house later in the evening.

"… What chicken is he talking about?" The mayor was at a loss for words.

The wedding was finally ready to take place, and Jack was dragged in on his hands and knees screaming that he hated church, but he was there.

The music sounded and Eve could now be seen making the walk across the carpeted floor.

"Eve!" Jack yelled in excitement and ran to give her a hug.

The crowd started to cry over the overwhelming gesture of love.

"What are you doing, Jack?" Eve whispered, embarrassed.

"They wouldn't let me see you, I thought the mayor had taken you for himself," he whispered back.

"What are you talking about? You were with the mayor all day!" She was getting angry.

"How dare you accuse me of cheating on you with the mayor!" Jack was quite offended by this ridiculous absurdity.

"Jack, can we please just go on with this?" Eve shoved him lightly.

"So you admit there's something going on!" Jack confirmed.

The ceremony finally continued and the priest said a bunch of meaningless stuff that put Jack to sleep. Literally.

Eve occasionally elbowed him to wake him up, but he seemingly kept dozing off.

At one point, the priest asked Jack a question that he had not been awake to hear.

"No!" Jack answered. Everyone stared.

"You don't?" The priest was shocked.

"Um… I mean, yes!"

"I do," Eve whispered to him helpfully.

"You do what?" Jack asked her.

"He does," Eve confirmed with the priest awkwardly.

"Then by the power invested in me…"

"You have powers?" Jack asked out loud.

"Uh… what?" The priest was caught off guard.

"You aren't even the real priest!" Jack accused.

"That's because the other one disappeared, remember?" Eve explained.

"Oh, yeah! I threw him into another dimension," Jack laughed to himself.

By this point the entire audience was confused, but they were sure that somehow Jack had to be making sense somehow… right?

"… I… now pronounce you husband and wife… you may kiss the bride," the priest continued, despite the nonsense.

The newlyweds kissed and they were on their way to their new lives, and everyone congratulated them. Jack was a married man, and he was filthy rich too. It was finally starting to look like things were going to turn out alright for the young farmer after all.

"Perhaps we should start making a baby tonight," Eve smiled eagerly as she whispered softly in her new husband's ear.

"But I don't even know where to order the parts!"

Yeer: 3 Munth: 1 Day: 1

I gott mareed 2day! They hidd the chikkin on me tho!

THE END

EPISODE FOURTEEN: STORK

"Jack!" Eve called as she entered the room of the newly rebuilt farmhouse. Jack had allowed her enough money to spend on upgrading the entire farm because he didn't know how to do it himself, and the results had been quite good.

"I'm busy," Jack answered, annoyed.

"I wanted to talk about… you know, what we said we would, last night."

Jack did not have a clue what she was referring to, but this was no different from any other conversation they'd ever had together. He simply ignored her.

"Jack! I want to talk about it NOW!" she yelled.

"Then talk." Jack plugged his ears.

"And I want you to listen!" She pulled his hands down to his side.

"I told you, I'm busy!" Jack yelled back.

"You aren't even doing anything!"

"I'm busy doing nothing! Haven't you ever done it?" Jack didn't care to listen to her reply, but knew from experience that she would give it to him anyway.

"That isn't being busy at all! I want to talk about having a baby!"

Jack looked at her oddly. He remembered asking Nina's mother where babies come from, but he had eventually concluded that she was crazy and could not be trusted. He had also remembered overhearing the village children talking about it... something about a stork was mentioned. Yes! Eve must want him to make a visit to a stork and ask for a baby!

"I'll get one tomorrow," he stated.

"What?" Eve asked, confused.

"I'll go get one tomorrow!"

"And how do you suppose you are going to do that?"

Jack had no idea where to find the stork, or even what it looked like. He grunted something, hoping she would leave him alone for the time being, but this did not happen.

"Jack!"

"I'll ask one of the girls in town," he said, knowing that she would understand that the women in the village were the smartest.

"Y…You! I hate you, Jack!" She stormed off, thinking he had meant something entirely different.

Not knowing what had caused this sudden outburst, Jack decided that perhaps the time to visit the stork should be now, rather than later. He called to Ruff once he'd stepped outside, and soon the two were on their way into town.

Jack asked around all day, but it seemed that no one knew of any stork living near the town. He thought long and hard about his predicament. It was a rather odd situation to be in. To think that his having a child should involve some big-beaked bird was more than a little peculiar.

Giving up on his dependency on others, Jack decided it was time to take a look through the mountain pass to see if any of the animals knew where the stork may be.

First he asked the sparrow. Being a bird itself, it was the most logical place to begin his search.

"Hi, bird. Take me to your leader," Jack commanded.

The sparrow turned its head to the side and chirped once before flying off. Jack ran after the bird in an attempt to track it, but the creature disappeared into the trees where continuing such a task would be impossible.

"I can't keep up!" Jack complained into the sky, just as his little dog started biting at his pant leg.

Next, the boy spotted a rabbit. He tried his best to catch the rabbit and ask him where a stork could be found, but the rabbit was also too fast for him.

"After him, Ruff!" The dog took off in a flash and soon returned with the rabbit between his teeth.

"Where can I find a stork, Mr. Rabbit?" Jack asked the prisoner.

The rabbit was dead.

"Hmm, not talking? That's okay, we have ways of making you talk," Jack smiled to himself. "Apply pressure, Ruff."

The dog shook his head wildly from left to right, shaking the lifeless animal at terrible speeds.

"Still not talking?" Jack inquired, giving the rabbit a chance to speak. It never did. "It seems you can withstand quite a lot of pain, rabbit," Jack said angrily.

Losing interest in the dead animal, Ruff dropped it at Jack's feet and continued on his way down the path to find a nice spot to mark his territory.

Soon after, Jack spotted a parrot (wtf?).

"You! Tell me where the stork is," Jack yelled accusingly.

"You! Tell me where the stork is," the parrot repeated.

"Aha! So animals CAN talk!" Jack had caught the bird red-winged.

"Aha! So animals CAN talk!"

"Stop that!" Jack yelled back.

"Stop that, Squuuaaackk!"

Jack walked away, "Jerk."

"Squuuaaackk! Jerk!"

Jack continued down the path in search of his dog, it was not long before he was found.

"I know your secret," Jack looked down at the dog seriously. "I know you can speak! So out with it! Where is the stork?" he yelled down at Ruff.

It was then that the dog decided Jack's leg would be the perfect spot to mark his territory. Jack punted him hard.

"I thought we were friends!"

The rest of the day was spent in the mountain areas, but none of the animals seemed to want to give Jack any new information regarding the whereabouts of the great stork. The situation was beginning to seem hopeless, but then Jack remembered someone who may be able to help him.

Jack went to the goddess pond and prayed to the Harvest goddess for a stork. Or, at least, a hint as to where the stork could be found.

"What do you want, Jack?" Jack looked up from his praying position and stared into the eyes of the harvest goddess herself.

"Hi! I almost married you, remember?" Jack smiled in greeting.

"Yes… and I've regretted meeting you ever since," she admitted coldly.

"I have a problem," Jack continued on with his mission.

"A big one. Oh... you meant a situation."

"A sit-you-what?"

"Nevermind, Jack... what is your problem?"

"I need a stork."

She looked at him oddly, what in the world could he need a stork for?

"Is this a joke?" She was getting angry.

"No… it's for my kid!"

"You reproduced! God save us all," the goddess said a prayer of her own.

"I dunno what you mean by that, but I need a stork badly," Jack pressed on.

"Why do you want a stork, Jack?"

"Because then Eve won't be mad at me anymore, and she can be happy, and she won't hurt me, and things will go back to being okay again, and then…"

"Okay, okay! I get it, you married someone just as dim as you are and for absolutely no reason at all she wants a stork… much the same way you want chickens all the time," the harvest goddess concluded.

"Do you have any? Chickens are fun too!" Jack bounced to his feet eagerly.

"Which is it, Jack? A stork or a chicken?"

"A chicken… inside a stork's beak," Jack was being clever now.

The harvest goddess was not amused, "Good-bye, Jack." And with that, she was gone.

Suddenly, a stork appeared from out of the sky and flew down towards Jack and his little dog.

"Great stork! Gimme a baby, or I'll chop you in half!" Jack threatened.

The stork stood at attention for another moment longer, and then flew away.

"Crap."

Jack had finally given up hope. Defeated, he walked slowly back to the farm to face Eve. The girl was found sleeping in their bed, and he walked over and kissed her on the forehead.

Yeer: 3 Munth: 1 Day: hoo nose

I tride my bestest 2 git the stork but I cudint find it. I donnt think the harvist godis lix mee eneemore eether. Eev wonts a babee but I cantt git wun fer her evin tho I wont 2 hav wun 2.

As he wrote in his journal, Eve had awoken and was reading from behind him without his knowing. She noticed two things: one was that Jack had some serious spelling issues, and secondly, he loved her very dearly. She did not know what the story about the stork was, but she knew that at some point during the day, Jack had changed his mind and now wanted to have a child just as much as she did. And it was all because he wanted her to be happy.

"Jack…" she said quietly, trying not to startle him. She failed.

Jack panicked and ran under the bed. Realizing that he was safe, he poked his head out and listened to what she had to say.

"I think that it is time we had a baby."

"I…" Jack was about to tell her he already tried that, which wouldn't have been a good thing for her to hear, but she cut him off instead.

"Come to bed, dear."

"… You have a stork in the sheets…?"

THE END

EPISODE FIFTEEN: FINALE

Jack awoke with a long stretch and a loud yawn to start his day. This was not just any other ordinary day for this farmer, though, this was a very special day indeed. Today, Jack's father would make his return to the farm - after two and a half years of not seeing his son - to inspect the farm and judge him on his progress. Jack, of course, had forgotten all about the long awaited return, and would go about his day as if it were any other.

"Whaaahhhh!" came a wail that echoed off the walls, just as Eve made her way into the house from a long morning of shopping.

"Is that my little baby crying?" Eve sounded delighted to hear the sound of her newborn. She shut the door and turned around to see that it was not the baby that was crying, but Jack himself. "Wh…what are you doing, sweetie?" She tried to remain calm.

Jack pointed at his mouth and made a sound, he was obviously hungry.

"You know, dear, you really don't have to copy the baby to get what you want all the time," she informed him.

"It's called bonding!" Jack scowled.

"…Cute." Eve was obviously not amused by this at all as she walked over to the baby's cradle. "And how is my baby?" She gushed and giggled.

"Indabox is fine, stinks more than Ruff does though." Jack struggled to find the energy to rise from his bed.

"I told you we are NOT calling him Indabox!" Eve yelled as she picked the child up and cradled him.

"We're not calling him Stinky!" Jack tried to be clever.

"He needs a normal name, like William or Joseph."

"He needs a diaper change and that's all!" Jack stormed out of the house for no apparent reason.

"Wait!" Eve called after him and ran out the door.

Jack turned to his wife and got ready to tune her out once more, but instead she gave him the baby to hold and warned him to be careful.

"What's this for?"

"You promised that you would take him to the park today before your father came to the farm," Eve reminded him.

"I did?" Jack was stunned.

"Yep, you did. I'll see you when you get back. Oh, I almost forgot! We need some flour from the baker, can you pick some up while you're out?"

Jack knew that he really did not have a choice in the matter, so he grunted and left. On his way he tripped and almost fell on top of "Indabox"… That would have been a funny story to tell, he chuckled to himself.

"Okay, Indabox, it is time I left you on your own to become a man. Now, I wouldn't think you were old enough to be all alone already, but it was clear that your mother thinks so when she said to take you to the park. Lesson one, never argue with Eve." With that, he set the little fellow down on the park grounds and left to go to the market.

It was a bright Summer day, and Jack was pleased to be out for a nice walk, still in his pajamas. He wondered what his father would say about his new life, and if he would allow Jack to stay in the little town with only four television stations. It then occurred to Jack that perhaps this was not the place that he wanted to stay for the rest of his existence, and that his newly settled life here was a mistake from the beginning! Panic struck quickly, and Jack found himself hyperventilating…

"What is wrong, my dear boy?" The mayor had been out on his early morning stroll and had come across the unstable farmer.

"Can't… breathe…" Jack gasped for air.

"Wh…what is the matter? Are you sick? Jack, speak to me!" The mayor was now scared for the dear boy's life.

Jack tried hard to think about the question, but couldn't remember what the answer was in the first place. His panic attack slipped away just as fast as it had come and Jack was on his way to the market, forgetting that the mayor was still standing there, now in a panic of his own.

Jack entered the market store and looked around. What was it Eve wanted me to get…? He thought hard. Oh, I think she wanted a flower! An odd thing to ask for, but he was sure that it was what she had requested.

He walked up to the counter, "Do you have any flowers?"

The baker looked at him strangely, "Uh… no, you would get that from the flower shop."

"I hafta get it here," Jack insisted.

"I… I'm sorry, Jack, we don't have those here."

"Well, maybe you should," Jack sincerely suggested.

"But, then we would put the flower shop out of business and…"

"See? More money for you! Now say thank you," Jack told him.

The baker was at a loss for words. "Jack, I…"

"Don't be rude!" Jack was getting angry.

"Thank you! Thank you! Now, what do you want?"

"I already told you." Jack stood still, refusing to remove himself from line until he acquired the item he requested.

"I… I can go get you one from the flower shop and return with it here so that you can buy it from me?" the baker offered.

Jack considered this for a moment, wondering whether this would be okay by Eve's standards. "I guess."

Without another word, the baker was running across town to the flower shop to buy a flower. Unfortunately, Jack's extremely low attention span caused him to forget about his transaction completely, and he was soon on his way back to the farm.

On his way back, Jack couldn't help but think that perhaps he had forgotten something… or some 'things'.

"Jack!" came a loud yell from the farm entrance.

"Who are you?" Jack stared at the older stranger in front of him.

"It's me! Your old dad!" His father laughed out loud.

… 'Old' dad… I have an old dad and a new dad? I have two dads! Jack concluded. He stared blankly at the gentleman before him.

"Well, aren't you happy to see me?" his father questioned.

"…Yes?"

"Hahaha, my boy! You've done such an amazing job with the farm! And your wife is beautiful and so pleasant, I never expected you to achieve so much! How on earth did you manage this?"

Jack looked back at the last 2 and a half years and thought hard about how he had accomplished such things. There were many answers that he could have given, but it would have taken all day to recite them all.

"I would have to say… when I murdered the elves."

His father laughed, "There's that wacky sense of humor again, your mother and I just never quite understood it. To tell you the truth, we were afraid that you were retarded, but seeing how much you've done on your own, it is clear that you were just misunderstood."

"Understooooooood," Jack repeated. He liked that word, it was fun to say.

"Hahaha, so tell me what has been happening all this time! Your marriage, your child, your earnings, your livestock," His father was clearly excited.

That is when it finally occurred to him…

"Oh my GOD!" Jack panicked.

"What? What's the matter?" His father wore a look of pure concern on his face.

Jack could not believe he had not thought of it sooner, "Where is Eve?"

"Uh, she went out to the market to bring you back here to see me," his father explained.

"Phew," Jack sighed. "Oh my GOD!" Jack was in a panic again.

"What? What is it this time?"

"I forgot to get Eve a flower!" Jack was suddenly running all the way back into town without an explanation to his father.

"Wow… you can really see the change in him. It's no wonder he has done so well for himself! He is so dedicated to everything he does." His father smiled contently as he let himself back inside the farmhouse.

Jack finally made his way back to the market and pushed his way through the lineup of people to the counter.

"I need a flower!"

"I got you one but you were gone when I came back," The baker explained innocently.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

The baker handed over a daisy to Jack and he threw down whatever change was left in his pockets. With that, he was on his way back to the farm.

"I'm surprised at you, baker," came a voice from the small crowd. The baker turned to to see that it came from Nina's mother, the owner of the flower shop.

"I…I… It's not what you think! Really, I -" the baker tried to defend himself as Nina's mother inspected the change on the table.

" Two gold!?" she gasped. "You are buying flowers from my shop and reselling them for a lower price? You will put me out of business, sir! How could you do that to me? This job is all I have, you know that!" She slapped the baker across the face.

"Please, just let me explain," the baker begged.

The line of people roared with disgust, and soon there was total chaos in the little shop. The people went crazy, throwing items across the room, screaming at one another. Fights broke out between them, and heavy furniture was thrown against the wall with disastrous results.

"Please! STOP!" The baker could no longer be heard through the crowd.

Meanwhile, Jack had made his way back to the farm once again. Inside the house, Eve and his father were sitting at the couch and talking over a cup of coffee, surprisingly enjoying each other's company.

"Oh, Jack! I couldn't find you when I went to town," Eve was relieved to see him. "I didn't see you in the market, nor in the park… wh… where is the little one at?" She looked at Jack suspiciously, panic entering into her eyes.

The little one!

"Uh…" Jack stalled. "He is out visiting with the mayor and his wife," Jack made a fine excuse.

"Oh, well I'm sure your father would like to meet his grandson. I'll just walk over and get him now," Eve started to get up.

"No! I can do it!" Jack yelled.

"But Jack, you and your father have so much catching up to do," Eve reasoned.

"Well, with all do respect," Jack's father cut in, "I would really like to get to know the woman who captured my son's heart, if Jack doesn't mind making another trip back to town?" He looked at Jack questioningly.

"… She did WHAT to my heart?!" Jack felt utterly betrayed.

The two laughed at the supposed joke (as they always did, it seemed), and Jack stormed out of the house in a torrent of rage. He put a hand to his chest and felt a heartbeat. ...LIARS!

It was no matter though, as he had a mission to fulfill. It was time to find the little one. His legs were starting to hurt from walking back and forth so much by now, but he would do whatever it took to find him!

Back in town, all hell had broken loose! Apparently, the chaos that had ensued at the marketplace had spread all across town to the rest of the shops. Fires had started, fights had broken out all over the place, and the once happy little village was no longer a safe and wonderful place.

Across the way, the mayor could be seen on the ground, cursing this day and crying for mercy from the harvest goddess.

Jack walked towards him and warmly put a hand on the mayor's shoulder, "She hears your prayers, you know."

The mayor looked at him, tears soaked his face and his eyes were glazed over. But it had been Jack's loyal words that had given him some comfort, and hope could be seen in his face.

"Do you really think so?" the mayor asked softly.

"I know so," Jack was sincere.

A smile slowly spread across the mayor's face, "I prayed for this nightmare to end."

Jack stared into the pitiful man's eyes, "Oh well, though, she won't answer. She's a total bitch and I think she likes you least of all." Jack walked away, glad that he could offer some helpful information to the leader of the town. The mayor watched as he walked off, stunned and confused, as he usually was after talking to the lad.

Jack searched for a long time, and he knew Eve and Jack's father would be starting to worry. It was no use, however, as the little one was nowhere to be seen.

Facing his fears, he walked back to the farm to confront his wife and father. But by some miracle, the one whom he searched for was crawling around at the gates to the farm, having a grand old time.

"I found you!" Jack ran over and picked him up, giving him a big hug and sighing with relief.

He opened the door and set the little one down on the floor, "Here he is!"

Eve and her father-in-law stared down a moment in utter confusion.

"You have a dog, I see," Jack's father mused.

Ruff lay upon the floor looking back and forth at his two inspectors, wondering what was expected of him.

"Where's our baby, Jack?" Eve was getting furious.

"… You said you wanted me to get… the… little one?" Jack shied away in embarrassment. Eve began to panic.

"Where is he, Jack?!"

"Uh… at the park!" he remembered just then.

"ALONE?" Eve was getting even more upset.

Jack considered the question carefully, "… Yes."

"WHAT?!" she screamed.

"I mean no! NO!" Jack corrected himself.

"Who is the little guy with?" Jack's father inquired. Jack looked down at Ruff questioningly.

"The baby, Jack! The BABY!" Eve tried to keep him focused.

Jack stared in a panic, he knew he had left him alone. "I left him with… the… baker!"

Eve sighed, and seemed to calm down a little, "I am going to get him."

"No! I will!" Jack did not give her time to object as he raced out the door.

"Is he, uh…?" Jack's father looked at Eve with a worried look.

"He does this sometimes… must be the heat."

Of course, it was not the heat at all. Jack was an imbecile.

Jack raced towards the park, but when he had reached the outskirts he could hear the battle cries of the crazed townspeople even louder than before, and fire and smoke was all that could be seen from all around the little town.

Black smoke covered the atmosphere and it was a struggle to get anywhere without bumping into other people. He reached the park, but there was absolutely nothing left of it. Fire had caught on to the largest tree, and it was now in ashes.

It was no use, Jack was never going to find Indabox in all this smoke and ember. Most likely, the child had been crushed underneath one of these lunatic townspeople after a lost duel. Turning back to where he thought the town exit was, he walked at a slow pace, defeated.

"Jack!" A voice could be heard through the hellish ruins of the town. He could barely see 3 feet in front of himself, but eventually the image became clear. It was Maria, decked out in a nun's uniform. "Jack! Help me!"

He was about to ignore her and walk away as he usually chose to do, but he saw she was carrying a baby in her arms. He ran over to her as fast as he could.

"Jack, please help him! Do you know whose baby this is?" she asked.

Jack nodded wildly, and his tongue hung out as he did so.

"You must get him away to somewhere safe, or he will surely be killed in this craziness," she pleaded.

Jack took Indabox in his arms, almost dropping him, and ran back to the farm as quickly as his tired legs would go. Looking back as he reached the outskirts, it was evident that the town was now completely destroyed… maybe forever.

Eve ran to Jack and took the baby in her arms right away.

"Told you I knew where he was!" Jack smiled proudly.

"He's beautiful," his father gazed. "Why is he covered in black?"

"He fell into some baking stuff," Jack lied.

"Oh, that reminds me! Did you get the flour?" Eve asked.

Reaching around to his back pocket, Jack pulled out the daisy he bought from the baker earlier in the day.

"Aw, that's sweet!" Eve took it from him. "You do know I meant baking flour, right?"

"…Aren't they poisonous?"

"Well, Jack," his father intervened, "I suppose you'll be staying in town for a long time to come."

"Um, no," Jack disagreed.

"What? But why not?"

"Yeah, honey, I thought you loved it here." Eve kissed his cheek sweetly.

"Nope."

"But… where will you go? What will you do? You have this huge farm and all this money and a family of your own!" Jack's father could not contemplate what was going through his son's mind.

"I think it is better if we find a new village to live in." Jack smiled at Eve, and she smiled back.

"Why? Why, when you have everything you need right here?" his father continued.

…Four channels on TV, Jack thought to himself.

"It would be a new beginning! A new adventure!" Eve answered the hard question for him. She always would.

Jack's father stared at the three happy family members in silence for a few moments, then smiled to himself and knew that it was truly the best thing for them. His son had become a man, and a great farmer, and it was his turn to make a huge life decision of his own now.

"Then, so be it." His smile could not have been more sincere. Jack reflected on the events of the past two and a half years, and knew that he had achieved more than he could ever have hoped for. Everything was finally…

Perfect.

"Well, we hafta go now," Jack announced.

"What, now?" Eve asked in surprise.

"Yeah, the fire will be here soon."

Yeer: 3 Munth: 3 Dae: 1

Wee moovd too a plas cald minrl taoon! Eev iz teeching me hao too spell stuf and it iz gud. Indabox iz not cald that eneemor.

I dont no to much… but I do no wun thing iz troo…

I forgit.

THE END