Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual assault in this chapter.
I dreamed of Tobias again. Each time it has happened so far, it was always the same. I'd go back to that day in Jeanine's lab, where he was there running the simulation, and where I'd watched him shot in front of me.
He was dead.
Eric had called Uriah twice more, each time crafting a conversation that convinced Uri it was safe to talk to him. I'd given him enough information to make sure my friend knew he was speaking on my behalf, and this version of Eric was unrecognizable during their phone calls. Uriah fully believed this was a man I'd met in here named Paul, and in theory we weren't lying. Eric has no idea who he actually is, and trying to explain that to Uri over a phone call would be impossible. I'd learned that Uri would be released from the hospital today, and once he was settled he planned on making his way out to see me.
Uriah seemed to know exactly how to get to me, even with us being away from the city. Apparently things had changed, and instead of a heavily guarded fence to keep us protected, travel between the cities was allowed.
"Why does that surprise you?" Eric asked me as we played chess in the common room. I'd been trying to teach him, being patient with his questions, marveling at how a memory wipe still didn't quell his natural Erudite curiosity.
"Because we were basically brainwashed into believing that the wall was to keep us safe, but we never knew what we were being protected from." I reply.
"Who actually believed that?" He shook his head.
"You, for one." I replied bluntly.
"Why would I have cared if people wanted to explore outside of Chicago?" He asks incredulously.
"Like I said, we weren't friends back then. I don't know why you were the way you were." I shrug, "You took our class to the fence one time, and it was clear that you were pretty on edge about the possibilities of what could be outside our walls."
"The training class would go to the fence?" He asks.
"Mmhmm." I nodded. I think back to that day, the way Christina and Will were inseparable. Sneaking glances at each other, sometimes holding hands. I had always marveled at the way his celery green eyes sparked.
Until they were blank. Until they were lifeless and open after I shot him.
"I need to go." I stand abruptly and leave the table.
I feel like the walls are closing around me, and suddenly I can hear the synchronized footsteps as the heavy Dauntless boots met the grey concrete sidewalks of Abnegation. I can smell the gunfire, I can hear the agonized screams of women and children, and I could see my mom running towards old me with a gun, screaming at me to hide.
My body trembles and I slide to the floor. When I feel someone reach for me, I scream, and fight against the intrusion. I don't want to be touched, I can smell lemongrass and sweat, I can feel his hot hands yanking my leggings off and pushing his sweaty body against mine. I can smell his breath, feel his lips trying to force a kiss from me as his warm length ruts against me.
All I can see is Al.
"It's okay. It's not real. Tris I'm right here."
"Don't touch me. I don't want this. Get away from me Al!" I scream and I can feel someone ripped away from me, and I scream again when they shove a needle into my neck.
Fingers trace across my forehead, pushing errant strands of hair away, and I open my heavy eyelids. I can't focus on who's with me, or where I am, and for a moment panic sets in.
"It's me. I have water when you're ready." A familiar voice.
Not Al.
I can still feel warm tears leaking out of my eyes, and his rough fingers trying to wipe them from my cheeks.
"Who hurt you?" He asks me softly, "It wasn't me, was it? I didn't do this, did I?"
"No." I rasp.
He helps me sit up enough to take several sips of water, and it's then I realize he's sitting on the concrete floor of my room.
"They didn't want to let me in. Your therapist approved it, he's cooler than I thought he'd be." Eric says as he continues to run his fingers softly through my hair, "Do I scare you? Is this too much?"
"No."
"Who is Al?" Eric asks me and I squeeze my eyes shut, "You kept screaming that name at me. You thought I was him."
"Eric..." My voice breaks.
"What did he do to you?" He whispers, "I'm here, let me help you. Please."
"I can't. Not yet."
"Please trust me. Please." He replies and I feel the tears leaking from my eyes.
"He hurt me. I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
"Did I know what happened?" He asks.
"You had to file a report. It was during my initiation."
"What happened to Al?" He asks me. His fingers have stilled on my head and I can tell he's holding his breath.
"Dead."
"How?" He asks.
"We were told it was a suicide." I reply shakily.
"You don't believe that it was?" He asks me.
"No, but I also didn't care if it wasn't." I finally admit.
"What do you think happened?" He asks me, and I steel myself, thinking back to that day.
"I think Dauntless imparted their own punishment." I say quietly and I can see the confused look on his face, "It's likely someone killed him. Some people thought it was you."
"Was I capable of killing someone like that?" He asks me and I shudder.
"Yes."
He retracts his hands from me and pulls his knees up to his chest where he's sitting on my floor. He doesn't say anything for a long time and I worry that I've said too much. I finally crawl off of my bed and move close to him. I run my hands across his arms, and he eventually lifts his head from where it was resting on his knees.
"What can I do?" Eric asks me as he's wiping tears from my face.
"Hold me?" I whisper.
He pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me and I cry softly against his shoulder. We rock back and forth, and for a long time we say nothing at all, and when I feel more in control I lean back a bit and look at him.
"Are you okay?" He asks me and I shake my head, "What do you need from me?"
"I'm afraid it will all be too heavy."
"I meant it when I said you can tell me anything. I'll decide if anything is too heavy, okay?" He replies.
"Okay." I agree.
"Why are you willing to let me in like this?" He asks.
I look at him but he won't meet my eyes, "What do you mean? Like in my room?"
"In here." He points to my temple and finally looks at me, "We were never friends, and it sounds like I was pretty much a sadistic asshole. Why are you okay with me now?"
"You're different now." I reply and he rubs his hands up and down my back.
"I would never hurt you." He replies softly.
I study his face, remembering every time he glared at me, every annoyed huff, every sneer, the anger he showed when I mouthed off to him during knife training and the overall disinterest in me because he assumed I'd never make it.
I also remember the way he looked at me when he gave the usual canned speech after Al's death. It was that day that I knew he was as deadly as everyone warned me he was. However, I was thankful for the first time since transferring that Eric seemed to be on my side.
This time when the overnight orderlies do a room check no one makes Eric leave. My bed is small, but he and I sleep closely together. I had fallen asleep against his chest, with his arm wrapped around me and I can feel him stir when the door closed. I don't move, and when he starts snoring softly again I finally doze off again.
The next time I wake, we're on our sides facing each other, and my drowsy eyes meet his.
"They didn't make me leave." He says in a sleep thickened voice.
"Nope." I agree.
"Do you still love Four?" He asks me, and I am caught completely off guard. His expression betrays nothing.
"How long have you been awake?" I ask and he simply pushes my long hair over my shoulder. He touches my face, cupping it and running his thumb across my jaw and cheek.
"Not long."
"How long have you been thinking about asking me that?"
He smirks briefly, and this time his humor reaches his eyes, "A lot longer."
"I don't love him anymore." I admit out loud for the first time.
"Is he why you were going to jump?" He asks. His hand travels to my neck, and I am positive he can feel my pulse racing, "Each time you give me a piece, your load becomes lighter."
"I'm not going to put it all on you-"
"Let me help you carry everything. It won't be forever." He says softly and I can feel my face fall. He must notice, because he immediately speaks again, "We're eventually going to leave it all behind. We drop a little bit of it here and there along our way."
"He was part of it." I admit and I close my eyes tightly, "No more. Not right now, please."
Eric moves closer to me, our foreheads touching as we share my pillow and breathe the same air. I concentrate on the way his rough calloused hands touch my skin, and eventually the panic I felt rising seems to taper somewhat. This time it's me who wraps an arm around his waist and tucks a leg between his, and when his eyes close and breathing evens out, I whisper out two words.
"Thank you."