Graduation day.
This should be one of the happiest days of my college life but all I felt was riddled with anxiety when I woke up.
I looked over to see Ash still asleep.
Dinner with my mom had gone okay last night, better than I'd expected. Obviously she was upset with me but my parents always had pretty low expectations for me, unfortunately. My mom was just starting to see that I could do something with my life, she was so proud when I got into law school.
But she told me she'd support me no matter what decision I make.
I feel super sick all of a sudden and get up out of bed quickly to rush to the washroom. When I get there I empty the contents of last nights dinner.
Well there goes eating spaghetti again, I think to myself.
"Ew are you sick or something?", I hear Rebecca's voice and mentally groan.
"Rebecca?", I wipe my mouth and flush the toilet and see her standing in the doorway.
"I'm not getting too close to you, I cannot afford to get sick. Me and Evan are going to Martha's Vineyard this coming weekend", She grins and plays with her hair, walking in to look in the mirror.
"Well… don't worry I think I'm just nervous, not contagious", I sigh and get up off the ground to fill a cup with water and wash my mouth out.
"Nervous you're gonna fall onstage? That barely ever happens", Rebecca shrugs and then looks at me like a lightbulb is going off in her head. "Ohhh… you're nervous about seeing Cappie there, aren't you?"
"I don't even know if he is going to be there", I shrug, trying to act like I could care less. "It's not like any of his friends are graduating. He's not talking to Evan and there's no KTs graduating this year".
"Well… Evan heard from Calvin, who heard from Heath, that he is going to show up", Rebecca says, always one for gossip.
"Well… that's good for him", I say. "I'm… gonna go get something to eat downstairs".
"Apparently he's going for you", Rebecca stops me. "At least that I heard from Evan, who heard from Calvin, who heard fr-"
"Yeah I get it", I sigh. "It's just gossip though, I'm sure that's not true".
"Whatever you say Casey", Rebecca gives me a look before I take off downstairs to grab my usual breakfast as of late; saltine crackers and water.
"Ashleigh just wear any of them, you're gonna be wearing a gown over it anyway, what does it matter?", I laugh as Ashleigh shows me her 10 dress options for today.
"Don't be such a sourpuss Case, you know it matters!", Ashleigh groans.
"Okay fine… the black one", I point. "With the silver necklace".
"Okay good choice", She smiles, putting them together. "Now what are you wearing?"
"Is an invisibility cloak an option?", I groan.
"This isn't Hogwarts Casey", Ashleigh gives me a look. "And you have to look cute when you tell Cappie he may be a dad".
"Why do I have to look cute for that?", I scoff.
"Because… we have to remind him that you're hot and don't need him. And he'll regret letting you go", Ashleigh says, matter of fact and opens my closet.
"Okay well… I have this really cute black dress with red flowers", I get up off my bed to go help Ash.
I pull it out of my closet to show her.
"It's perfect!", She smiles and throws it at me. "Get changed".
"Ugh, do I have to? I feel like crap", I sigh and cross my arms.
"We have to leave in like half an hour Case. Take a gravol and let's get this thing going", She tries to motivate me. "You need to tell him. Today!"
"Alright fine", I give her a look, grabbing the dress.
—
Me, Ash and the rest of the seniors graduating go collect our gowns while the parents and guests start to flood in.
I anxiously look around.
"Don't worry, I'm sure he won't be here this early. It is Cappie we're talking about", Ash puts her hand on my arm.
"I'm not worried. I'm gonna be brave today", I take a breath in.
"That's my girl", Ash looks proudly. "Now let's graduate".
"Let's do it", I smile as we get our hats on. "Ugh this is totally gonna mess up our hair".
We both laugh.
"Alright graduates, it's time to walk in, everybody ready?", Our assistant Dean Mrs. Appleby instructs us as we all start to line up and walk one by one onto the field where they had the chairs set up.
Ash is right behind me as we walk in and by now all the seats were filled up but I don't exactly have time to scope out each person out of the hundreds. Me and Ashleigh file into our row and take our seats as Dean Bowman starts to set up on the mic.
While he starts off his boring and lacklustre speech about how grown up we all are now all I can do is turn to look at the people in the crowd.
I hated how much I wanted to see Cappie's face. Because if he was here it meant he hadn't totally given up on us. That he still felt something.
I hoped Rebecca was right, that he was here for me.
I see Calvin and Heath, Rusty and Dale, Rebecca behind them. But no Cappie.
I sigh and sit forward again.
"I don't think I'm gonna have to tell him today anyways Ash", I say to her quietly.
"What? He's not here?"
I shake my head and Ashleigh takes my hand into hers, knowing how hurt I was.
"It's okay Case", She says.
"It's fine, I wasn't expecting him to show up", I shrug like nothings wrong.
As Dean Bowman drones on I take one last look on my other side, looking through all the people.
Wait.
There he was. His curly brown hair in his face. He looked unlike himself, like he was sad or lost in thought. He'd grown out his stubble slightly since we'd broken up. He was wearing a leather jacket and a button up shirt underneath.
I laugh to myself. Of course Cappie would wear a leather jacket to a semi formal event.
"What?", Ashleigh responds to my laugh.
"He's here Ash", I say and I can't help the slight smile that forms on my lips.
Ashleigh smiles back.
"I knew he would be".
"I guess… ", I sigh. "I guess I'm telling him then".
"It'll be alright", Ashleigh gives me a comforting look and we pay attention to the front again, ready for our names to be called to go walk across the stage.
—
"Casey I really think that me and your mother should stay here, meet this guy. At least I should stay here, I want to talk to him man to man", My dad boasts which only makes me annoyed.
It's after the ceremony now and everyone is gathering on the lawn to mingle and take photos. I wait around anxiously with my parents and Rusty, hoping to god my parents will go back to their hotel soon so that Cappie doesn't come over to me while they're here. I want to tell him, I don't want my parents to.
"Dad", I roll my eyes at him. "No, no way. I'm an adult, please let me handle this".
I try to assert my stance with them.
"Russell I think she needs to do this by herself", my mom says to him and in this moment I appreciate her so much for butting in.
As much as I've never really felt like my mom has been my biggest cheerleader, I can tell that she's really trying to be there for me through this, especially after we talked last night. I told her how much I still care about Cappie, that I still loved him. She knows how anxious I am about telling him.
"Alright Karen", My dad nods. "We'll see you kids for dinner. Help her take care of this Rusty".
My dad looks to Rusty as if he's more of a capable adult than me.
"I don't need Rusty for this dad, but thanks", I lean in to hug him and then hug my mom too. "I love you guys, thank you for coming".
"Of course, even with… everyone going on. We're proud of you for graduating", my mom nods and says the sentence like it's hard to get out. That's because they weren't fully proud of me. And that made me sad.
But I understood it. No one wants to see their daughter get pregnant accidentally when they're still really young. It wasn't like I was Rusty creating some genius invention and getting featured in a magazine.
Nonetheless, I knew how hard I'd worked to graduate, and I wouldn't let this define me.
I watch my parents walk off and sigh of relief. At least now they're gone and won't run into Cappie.
Ashleigh walks up to me and Rusty now after visiting with her family.
"So?", She looks at me and Rusty. "Is it done? I can barely even talk to my mom and dad with all the suspense".
"Not yet Ash, my parents just left. So I guess it's now or never", I cross my arms.
"Want me to go find him?", Rusty offers.
"No, no…", I look around. "He can come up to me. I mean… I'm the one graduating, he could say congratulations or… good luck, or anything".
"Well maybe he will", Rusty gestures over to the left and I see Cappie out of the corner of my eye, wearing his leather jacket and sunglasses, walking straight towards us.
"Crap, crap! I'm not ready guys", I look at them in a panic. "How am I supposed to look cute in this stupid graduation burka!".
"I think we should leave them alone", Ashleigh says to Rusty and they both start to walk off to leave me alone.
"Ash!!", I whisper out to her.
"It'll be okay", She mouths to me as her and Rusty go talk in the distance.
Cappie's coming closer now and I adjust my hair, trying my best to look cute with this stupid hat on.
He finally makes his way to me, looking nervous and slightly uncomfortable. I mean he should be after what happened the other day.
I don't say anything, but just wait for him to speak. I'm the one graduating, so he should say something first. There's a billion things he could say to me. Nice things along the lines of "congrats", "I'm proud of you", "way to go". Anything.
I look at him, my heart pounding. He looked good today, tall, blue eyed, scruffy hair. I just wanted to lean up and kiss him. Even with all these people around.
What was he going to say? What was he going t-
"Nice hat", He settles on, giving me an awkward nod and then moving past me.
I stand still, in shock. Did he really just say 'nice hat'? Nice hat Cappie! You could've said anything and that's what you chose?
I couldn't believe him. I'm angry now. At the way he just moved past me like I was a stranger. Like we hadn't slept next to each other, hadn't told each other all our secrets, hadn't seen me at my most vulnerable, hadn't put a freaking baby inside of me!
Well screw Cappie! Why did I even have to tell him about the possible baby? Especially when he can so easily treat me like this.
I wouldn't even want him to be the father to this baby. I cross my arms and walk off in a huff, heading to my car.
My eyes were hot with warm tears but I wouldn't let any of them fall. There was no point. And I didn't want to be who my parents thought I was. I'm Casey Cartwright. I can handle anything.
I reach my car now, getting in, hoping Ash can catch another ride home.
I can handle this, I think to myself. Whether I have the baby or not, I can handle this.
I'm strong enough to get though an abortion by myself, and I'm strong enough to raise a baby.
And Cappie didn't even have to know. No, after today, he didn't deserve to know.