As my eyes creaked open, the sunlight was the first thing I was greeted with, and then it was the snores of my wife next to me. I chuckle softly, placing a kiss on her forehead as a slide myself out of bed to start breakfast. The weekends are a favorite around here. I get to make breakfast and catch up with my girls and Britt gets to sleep in, it really is the least I can do for her. As I start coffee and get what I need out for breakfast, Luna comes down rubbing her tired eyes.
"Good morning, cupcake." I hum, scooping her up into my arms. "Did you sleep okay?" I set her on the counter, brushing the hair back from her face to see her eyes.
"Mmmhm." She gives me a tired nod, letting out the cutest yawn. "What we having?" She manages to mumble out, letting out another yawn.
"We are having omelets and bacon, how's that sound?" I replied, setting her back down so I could start breakfast.
"Good, can I color to wait?" I nodded to her question, it could keep her occupied until Cass and Britt woke up and we always got the best artwork. "Mami?" She finally chirps up after a minute, "I hear Cassie crying som'times at night." She muttered, as if it was a secret she was supposed to keep.
I raised my eyebrows, leading her to continue but also not saying anything while I continued breakfast. I knew Luna would pick up on Cassidy's behavior at some point, I just didn't think it would be this soon. But then again, she is my daughter and is sharp as a whip.
"Som'times she stays up super late and cries, I hear her when I gotta go potty at night." She then shrugged, looking up at me to make sure I was still listening.
"Well, Cassie just has a lot of big girl feelings that she has a really hard time figuring out and sometimes Mama and I have to help her." I sigh in response, how else am I supposed to explain this to a five-year-old? "Don't worry cupcake, okay? Sissy's okay." I promised her with a kiss on her head, causing a giggle.
"Did I ever tell you that you're my favorite?" I tease with a wink.
"Mama says you're not suppo's to have favorites." Luna giggles, sticking her tongue out at me.
"I guess we both broke the rules then, huh?" I ruffled her hair, offering her help in finishing breakfast before Brittany eventually woke up. As much as she wants to sleep in, my wife's lovely internal alarm clock will only let her sleep in so much before Mama mode snaps her awake. I can't blame her; it happens to me on my weekends to sleep in.
Luna and I finish breakfast as Brittany walks downstairs in her lazy weekend clothes. It was getting later in the day and Cassidy hadn't come down for breakfast yet and I hadn't heard any movement coming from her room.
"I'm just worried about her." I sigh to Brittany as we sit on the couch drinking our morning coffee, Luna in the family room watching cartoons and coloring.
"I know, me too, but what can we do? She's basically had us table every conversation about how she's doing."
"We must stop allowing the whole 'table' situation." I sigh in frustration, we only started doing that because feelings and emotions used to run so high during stressful conversations.
"I know, but it helps her calm down and not stress her out so much, gives her time to think about what have talked about." I can hear the sadness in her voice, even if it's not written across her face, it's so deep in her voice.
"I'm going to see if she's awake, try and get her to eat something. It's stressing me out." I sigh out in frustration, kissing the top of her head before heading off upstairs. I know something deep is going on with Cassidy, and this was the weekend we were going to figure everything out.
As I get ready to knock on Cassidy's door, I can feel my heart beating in my chest and hear it in my ears. Why am I so nervous anyways? She's my daughter and we should be able to talk about things going on in her life. I shake the thoughts out of my head as I knock on her door, announcing myself before making my way in. Her room is dark, and she's curled under her blankets, I can't tell if she's sleeping or not so I just sit on the edge of her bed and wait a moment before speaking.
"Cass?" I start softly, "I don't know if you're awake or not, but Mama and I miss seeing you around the house, Luna too. She keeps asking if you're going to come down soon and color with her." I reach out and place my hand on her back, seeing if she pulls away from me or not.
"It's Saturday, we're supposed to be sleeping in." The faintest sound comes out from under the blankets, and I take that as a sign she's at least speaking to me.
"I know, but you know how Lun and Mama are early risers, even on Saturdays." I chuckle softly, relaxing into her bed just for a moment. At least she's talking to me, even if it is under a blanket.
"I guess so. But can you go? I'd like to go back to bed and enjoy my Saturday." Her tone was sad, and soft. Everything in me was screaming not to leave her room, in my own personal fears that she wasn't going to be okay by herself.
"Why don't you come down for a little bit and watch a movie with us?" I offer, "It might even make you feel a little better." I hum, rubbing my hand down her back, only for her to pull away again.
"Mami, I said go away." Her response was more of a growl this time, which really makes me wonder what really my daughter is going through that she's just not telling us.
"Cassidy, you may not speak to me that way. Come on, let's get you up and at least downstairs to be a part of this family. You can feel your feelings, Cassidy, but you may not treat me or Mama this way. We are just trying to help you, and we're trying our damn best." I'm frustrated at this point; I just want to know what's going on in her head.
"Stop it." Cassidy whines, pulling the blankets impossibly further over her body. "Please, just leave me alone. I want to be alone. It's Saturday, we're supposed to be sleeping in, so I want to sleep in." I can hear the tears in her voice, and it just breaks my heart. As parents, Britt and I just try and do anything we can to make sure our girls are okay.
"Okay, Cassidy, I'll let you sleep. But will you at least try and come down when you're feeling up to it?" I try and bargain, hoping I can get anywhere with her.
"Maybe." Was my only response from my once bubbly and happy teenager. We've suddenly shifted into the moody teenager stage, or maybe it's more than that. I don't know. I can't know. Cassidy's not letting us in, she's not telling us anything.
As Brittany and I lay in bed, the thoughts in my mind will not stop swirling around. Today was not like our regular Saturdays. Cassidy didn't make her way downstairs until well after lunch, and even then, all she did was curl on the couch and pretend to watch movies with us. At dinner she barley ate; Brittany and I can tell something is seriously off with her.
"Santana." Brittany's voice snaps me from my thoughts. "What do you have going through that beautiful head of yours?" She hums, tracing her fingers along my side, her way of calming me.
"Cassidy." I breathe out softly, resting our foreheads together. "I'm so worried about her, Britt Britt, so worried. That is not our daughter, that's a very sad and withdrawn teenager in there and it's scaring me." As I start to break down, I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes. Brittany is and always will be the only person who can see this side of me. Who gets this side of me, especially when it comes to our girls and the family we're raising.
"I'm worried about her too. Trust me. I've tried to talk to her San, I have, but it's like a brick wall comes up the very moment her anxiety needs to be talked about." I nod in her chest, letting her know I was listening but also trying to fight the tears from breaking the barrier. "She's too much like me I don't even know the right words to say to her sometimes. I feel like we're failing her."
"Hey, we are not." I snap my head up, cupping her beautiful face in my hands. "We are doing everything in our power, everything she's letting us do, we're doing it because we love that little girl more than anything." I kiss her softly, assuring her that as parents, we're doing the best we can given the circumstances.
"I know, but you know, I can't help the feeling. I just want to know, you know? Maybe we should call her in home therapist, she could benefit, she'd be in her own space so maybe she'd feel more comfortable and less ambushed." I nod in response.
"No one said parenting would come with so many challenges." I mumble out, sinking into our bed, pulling the covers over us as we settle in.
"Tell me about it." Birttany giggled, cuddling into my side as we fall asleep.