Chapter 9

"Coffee," Namjoon asked, tilting his head towards the staff room and Jin stood up immediately. He didn't need to be asked twice to take a break but more than that, it was usually Jin that did the asking. If Namjoon was needing a coffee break, there was more to it than that and Jin had his suspicions. He'd been watching Namjoon the last month, watching as dozens of emotions played out on his face when he thought no-one was looking, when he was reading messages on his phone, when he was in the same room with all of his friends but focusing on only one. He was far more transparent than he realised if you knew what to look for.

"So, how are things with Grace," Jin asked casually and Namjoon spluttered over his coffee cup. "Oh sorry, still hot," Jin asked even though he knew that wasn't the reason.

"Why, what do you mean," Joon asked, mopping up the splatter on his face with a napkin before tossing and missing the bin. He walked over to pick it up, tripping on the edge of the chair and Jin had to struggle not to crack up laughing. This was distracted Namjoon on steroids.

"Oh, I just mean you've seen her more than most of us so how are things with her? Or did you think I was referring to something else?" His eyebrow quirked up as he spoke.

Namjoon was back facing him now and he stared at him. "I'm pretty obvious huh," he sighed.

"Joon, you've been my best friend for years, I know when somethings bothering you and I understand what it's about. But there are specifics that I'm waiting for you to tell me."

"I may have kissed Grace," Namjoon said, watching Jin's face for a reaction. He saw his eyes grow big and a smile break out across his face. "And before you ask exactly what happened, let me explain something," and he turned to make sure they'd closed the staff room door behind him. "Let's just say it wasn't my finest moment."

"Why, did she pull away from you or something? Please tell me you hadn't just eaten onions or forgotten to brush your teeth," Jin asked, trying to pry the information out of him, dying to know.

"Actually, she didn't pull away," Namjoon said, remembering it all. The way her hands had rested lightly on his shoulders to steady herself when he was helping her. The way the scar felt a little rough under his lips and how his nose pressed lightly to bury itself into her breast as his mouth rested there for a moment. The realisation as he'd pulled away that he wanted to keep doing that, to make her know she was beautiful and treasured. He didn't mention where he'd kissed her or how they had gotten to that point. That wasn't something he wanted to divulge just now.

"Well, surely that's a good thing right? And that must mean you have feelings at least for her? Unless you go around kissing all our friends," Jin joked, trying to encourage a lightness to the conversation so Namjoon would relax a little but he could tell his friend was still in his head.

"Maybe," he answered non committedly in answer to all his questions. "I mean, no I don't kiss all our friends but I guess it's a good thing she didn't pull away."

"Do you want to do it again? Kiss her I mean?"

That question was one that had played on Joon's mind a lot. When he was trying to sleep, work, shower. And the answer was always yes but he wanted it to be very clear what his intentions were next time he tried. Whenever that could be, if there was any sign that she wanted him to.

"I think so."

"Well, I can't begin to guess how it all came about and I know you would've told me if you wanted to so I guess my next question is, why don't you just go for it then? Have a conversation and work out what is going on with you both, what she's thinking?"

"I don't want her to feel like I'm taking advantage of our friendship to hit on her when she's vulnerable."

"Is that what you're doing?"

"No!"

"And is she stupid?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"A very relevant one. Do you think our friend, Grace, the one who can be incredibly blunt when she wants to be, the one who often puts us in our place and tells us to be quiet when we're watching romance movies and complaining about how sappy they are, the one who has a post graduate degree and a fabulous career, do you think she's stupid?"

"Of course not!"

"Then she's smart enough and a good enough judge of character to know you won't take advantage of any situation, especially this one," he said, leaning away and crossing his arms.

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I am," Jin said confidently and they lapsed into silence for a moment as they sipped their coffees.

"I don't think they're sappy."

"The movies?"

"Yeah, I like the romance ones the girls make us watch. I just complain to back you up."

"I don't mind them either. Elsbeth is always in the mood after watching them so in fact, I quite like them. I just complain because it seems like the thing we're meant to do."

"OK, that's maybe heading towards TMI Jin," Namjoon said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"No, TMI would be telling you exactly what she does when we walk in the door afterwards, how she takes-,"

"OK, OK, got it. I'm single and you're not, you don't need to remind me how sickeningly you're coupled up."

"You could be too remember, you just have to be brave."

"It's hard to be brave if you don't know how the other person feels. I mean, I kissed her and she hasn't brought it up. Surely that means she's pretending it didn't happen so that it's not awkward between us."

"Or she's had other things on her mind recently Joon," Jin reminded him. "But you didn't bring it up either and maybe she was waiting for you to say something first."

"Maybe I should've apologised," he said with a sigh.

"Do you want to say sorry that it happened?"

"No. I wanted to do it, it felt right. But maybe it was just all the heavy emotions of the moment."

"And you thought she was the stupid one," Jin said, sounding exasperated.

"I never thought that! You were the one trying to put words in my mouth. I think she's brilliant and amazing and funny and brave and strong and...,"

"Don't stop if you have more to say," Jin grinned, amused at the unleashing of words.

"and I'm so fond of her."

"So fond of her? Like she's an older auntie who always gave you a few coins when you were a child and patted you on the head?"

"Definitely not like that," Joon said firmly.

"Then say it like it is Namjoon, what else do you feel for her?"

"I think she's incredible and beautiful and I think maybe, maybe,"

"Yes," Jin prompted, "spit it out!"

"I think maybe I care about her a lot."

Jin smacked himself in the head and put the mug in the kitchen sink.

"We all care about her a lot, we're her closest friends. You aren't just fond of her and you don't just care about her a lot. Be honest with yourself even if you can't be honest with me."

Namjoon blinked a few times before taking a breath and looking at Jin who was leaning back with his arms crossed. "Hyung, I think ummm, I think maybe I might be falling for Grace."

"And there we go. Yes, Namjoonie, you're in love with her, welcome to your new reality."

Namjoon pushed his shoulder as Jin cackled at him, only stopping when a colleague walked into the kitchen and sent a weird look his way at how he was clutching his stomach in laughter.

"Helpful Jin," Namjoon grumbled as they walked back into the office.

"Always here to help Joon and you're welcome. Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it," and he strolled back to his desk, shooting a grin at Namjoon as he did, leaving Joon to sit down heavily into his chair. What indeed.

Grace had always thought Namjoon was easy to read but the last few weeks his eyes had shuttered over and his face had set in an impassive expression so she had no idea was he was thinking half the time. They were watching a movie after her fourth treatment, not feeling so worn out this time but still feeling nauseous. But he was quiet and a little reserved when they talked, not the relaxed Joon she was used to.

And they hadn't talked about 'that' moment. That's how she referred to it in her head. That Moment. It was like their friendship was defined now by before and after that moment in time. Not before cancer and after like she defined other parts of her life but her relationship with Namjoon was now marked by the kiss. Was that what it was? A kiss? Just a kiss? Because it felt like it was something different. In that moment she had felt worshipped and that was weird to say, so very, very weird. Because he was Namjoon, she was Grace and she wasn't some kind of Goddess to worship. So why had he make her feel that way? And what exactly did she feel about it all because she couldn't work it out.

"Gracie? The movie's finished, did you want to watch another one," he asked, pulling Grace from her thoughts.

She bit on her bottom lip in confusion at the interruption, still thinking about the kiss, looking out from under her eyelashes at him and he panicked as a flood of attraction washed over him.

"Stop doing that!" His face felt warm and he knew his eyes were huge. When she looked like that, his insides did a kind of flip flop thing that made him feel amazing and unwell all rolled into one and he wasn't sure he liked or loathed the feeling because he couldn't pin it down.

"What," Grace mumbled out, raising an eyebrow, teeth staying in place.

"That, with your mouth! What are you doing that for?" Namjoon was getting more confused, uncomfortable and more than a little worried about his sanity when she looked at him that way.

"I'm just biting my lip, I do that sometimes when I'm thinking," she said, softly.

"No, you're not just biting your lip, you know exactly what you're doing. Is that what you do to all those poor guys that chase after you to have them falling at your feet?"

She snorted, a drought on any kind of romance meaning she hadn't used that trick in a long time and she wasn't intentionally doing it now. Or at least she didn't think she was. "It's not a big deal Joonie. Just a mouth, some teeth, a smile."

"It makes your eyes change when you do it and you already have the most gorgeous eyes." Then he went silent, never having complimented her quite like that before.

She heard and she registered what he said, needing to ask more of the moment. "My eyes change? How?"

He sighed as he gave over to the truth, not wanting to be vulnerable but needing to be honest. "They get heavy, seductive almost. I don't know, it sounds weird to say." He was rubbing the back of his neck, feeling nervous or uncomfortable at how openly they were speaking to each other even though it was still guarded.

"I don't do it on purpose," she replied although she knew deep down she was partly aware sometimes of when she did play with her expressions. She just didn't realise she was doing that with her best friend.

"You don't have to do it on purpose for it to still be trouble." He sighed and sat down on the sofa, looking up at where she stood above him.

"Trouble for who?" Twisting in her seat next to him, she rested back, already tired from doing very little.

"For anyone who feels even a little bit."

"Just a little bit," she asked, heart racing a little. It felt like they were walking a line and she wasn't sure if either of them really understood what that meant if they crossed yet another one.

"Yes but it's much worse if you feel more than a little bit," he said quietly.

"You feel?" Grace held her breath, wondering what he would say next.

"You, they, whoever. Feelings, what does it really mean anyway?"

"Yes, what does it mean," she mirrored and hoped he would answer so she knew where he stood.

But they both went silent as he picked up the remote, resting his feet on the coffee table, pretending that there wasn't an enormous elephant standing somewhere in the room between them.

They watched another movie after arguing for a few minutes over which one, Joon definitely giving in like she knew he would. But she was feeling squeamish, the chemo drugs making her feel unwell. Ignoring it for the first part of the movie she eventually wriggled forward in her seat, standing up on wobbly legs as the nausea overtook her.

"Grace," Namjoon asked, starting to rise as she lurched to the bathroom, reaching for her hair as she leaned over the bath, just making it in time but getting some in her hair in the process. Disgusted with herself as she reached with shaky hands to wash it away, Grace took a cloth to wipe at her mouth, turning to sink against the bathroom floor as she did. Her eyes were closed but she heard the rustling of Namjoon at the door and his voice, quiet and calm echoing in the room.

"Are you OK, Gracie."

"Stop please Joon, back up, I don't want you to see me like this," Grace raised her voice, trying to lift herself from the floor of the bathroom, grossed out at herself when she noticed some of the vomit had caught in the ends of her hair.

"It's OK Grace, let me help," he said softly from the doorway.

"No, this is horrible, please leave me alone!"

She was angry at him now that he would see her like this, angry at the situation and at herself for yelling at him when none of this was his fault.

He didn't move from his place although his hand moved a little at his side as if he wanted to reach out towards her. "You're not in this alone Gracie."

"You didn't sign up for this as part of our friendship." Grace sounded less angry but was still mad at everything that was happening around her and to her. And that she was dragging her friends into it too. Dropping her head to her knees in exhaustion, she closed her eyes again, feeling defeated.

"Maybe not but I'm not walking away from you when you're at your lowest, especially with your family so far away."

"I just can't deal with this today," she said, reaching for the hair, keeping the gross bits away from her clothes as much as possible.

"Then let me," he answered, stepping into the room and over to where she sat on the floor. Running the tap to a comfortable warm temperature, he crouched down next to her, guiding her round so her head was partly over the bath, gently running water through until the yucks had been washed away. Then he reached for the shampoo, rubbing a little through, massaging it lightly in and rinsing that out too. He felt helpless as tears spilled a little down her cheeks, both ignoring them and sitting in silence as he did, turning the tap off once the shampoo had been washed out as he gently dried it with a towel. He didn't mention the hair that had come away in his hand, more than he was expecting. Grace had been told she would likely lose her hair to the chemo drugs but it was happening much sooner than he expected.

"I know Joonie, you don't have to hide it," Grace said quietly as he scrunched the hair in his fist to throw away when he could without her seeing but obviously he wasn't quick enough. "It's coming out a little bit at a time."

"I'm sorry Grace, so sorry," was all he could manage, sitting on the floor facing her as he leaned back against the door frame taking up a lot of the space in the small room. She felt his presence and she liked that about him, that he could be right there and she could feel him without having to touch him.

"I know you are. I'll have to have it cut off eventually."

"And I'll be there if you want me to be there. I know Sara will be too."

"I want you," she said, eyes flicking her eyes closed and his head lifted in surprise, heart lurching a little at the words. He knew she meant she wanted him to be there for it but he wanted to read more into it, that she wanted him as more than a friend.

"I'd drop everything for that or anything else you need Gracie, you know that don't you?"

"I've always known you cared Joonie, thank you, I couldn't have done all this without you."

"I do care Grace, so much," he answered and then his eyes grew big as she scrambled to kneel up again, quickly reaching to hold her hair out the way as she was sick again, rubbing her back lightly as the spasms eased off, handing her the cloth before she turned back around to him.

"Can I get you some water?"

"Yes please and can I brush my teeth too," she replied wearily and he stood up, putting some toothpaste on her brush before handing it to her and leaving to get her a glass of water, hurrying back to find she had stood up, holding onto the counter as she was putting her brush away. "Thank you," she said as he handed her the water. "I think I'll be OK now."

"I'll get you a container just in case. Did you want to finish the movie or go to bed?"

"I can watch some more but sorry in advance if I fall asleep," she said, walking slowly back into the lounge. He wanted to reach for her arm, to take some of her weight but he didn't want her to think he was pitying her. She was a strong woman and he respected her immensely. But as she settled on the couch again, he sat close so she could lean on him, tucking them both under a blanket.

"Comfortable?"

"Yes thank you. And sorry about before. That was gross."

He laughed a little. "You're acting as if I haven't ever seen you throw up Grace. We have been drinking together for years."

"You've never had to clean up for me though."

"I didn't 'have' to do anything. I wanted to do that for you."

"Why are you being so nice to me Namjoon," she asked, turning her face to look at him, her long eyelashes fluttering a little as she blinked up at him, waiting for his answer, giving him a chance to say something, anything that would clarify things between them.

"I'm a nice guy," he shrugged with a laugh. "And I mean it Grace, I care about you. I really, really care about you."

"Yes you are and I know you do," Grace answered, leaning into him as he tucked her against his shoulder.

"I'm not sure you really do," he said so quietly under his breath that she wouldn't hear but she did, closing her eyes and leaning more into his warmth as he started the movie back up again. She could feel how much he cared about her and in this moment, that was everything she needed.

Namjoon - Diary Entry

Tonight was hard