Here we go, my dudes.Y'all consistently leave me humbled by all the lovely things you say about my story, it really is amazing. Thank you all so much.

I don't have a whole lot to say other than that. Except maybe holy jeez, how are we at chapter 30 already, and holy jeez, that I hope you guys like this one. I will have some words at the end as usual, but for now, please enjoy.

The Loudest Silence

Chapter Thirty

When we stopped for lunch, I convinced myself to try again.

I snarfed down my food quickly so I could catch Thorin before he had us move on, which was a feat in of itself considering our new pace. The way I shoveled my grub had Bofur staring at me in concern, but as soon as I finished and hopped up to head over to our leader, I think it made more sense to him. Whatever transpired between us was not over, clearly.

Thorin had already finished as well (though to be fair he did start eating before I did), and was waiting atop a small hill impatiently, looking out ahead to the mountain range before us. It wouldn't be long before we'd be winding our way through their rocky slopes.

I traipsed up the hill, taking note when he glanced over his shoulder to see who was joining him. Naturally when he realized it was just me, he sighed through his nose, shoulders tense as he turned his attention away again.

The Company would have easily read my hands from here if I simply turned to him, and I wasn't even sure if he would look at me, so I stepped in front of him to use his body as cover and get his attention at the same time.

'Would you have believed me for Trolls? Or the Orc pack?' I resolutely asked, staring him down.

Less impressed with my tenacity this go around, Thorin disregarded the argument. He said flatly, "There is a difference between rogue Trolls and Orcs in the hills, and what you're suggesting."

My face soured as I ground my teeth. 'Why else would I say this?' I continued.

"It is beyond me," Thorin snapped, "why you keep your secrets until you see fit and make the choices you do." The grimace he wore was confusing to me, like he wanted our quarrel to end soon, just not at the cost of admitting he might be wrong on this.

There was nothing for it as he rounded and traversed back down the hill, sounding off that lunch was over and we needed to move on. A few Company members looked at me pleadingly as Thorin marched on ahead, as if begging me to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to piss him off.

I could only sigh, my eyes flicking up in a half-hearted roll as I let my arms flop back down to my sides. It was a signal that I was doing my best, even if they didn't know the whole story, which honestly still wasn't much help to their morale. I just ambled back over to my bag lamely, following the resigned crowd.

"Y'know, I just don't know if it's worth it, whatever it is," Nori remarked offhandedly as he passed me by.

My lip curled with incredulity and a bit of offense, but he was already gone.

I shook my head and took a few deep breaths, starting to question if Nori wasn't at least a little right. It was a stupid thought, because he didn't have the slightest clue as to what was going on, but if I continued to push Thorin like this, where would that get us? What would that achieve, besides nudging him further away?

Thorin would find out the truth eventually, if he didn't come around before then. I supposed all I could do was try and be patient, and be there for him when the time finally came.

It caught him off guard when I reclaimed my spot next to him during dinner, bringing him a bowl of stew just when he was about to get up and grab his own. He was half-standing when I popped up in front of him, offering the dish. There was a suspicion in his eyes that this would just result in another attempt from me to get him to listen, but after a moment of hesitation, he warily accepted it.

I simply sat down beside him and began nibbling on my stew as Thorin resettled. In my peripheral I could tell that he was still just watching me, so I met his stare out of the corner of my vision, raising an eyebrow. If he wanted to bring it up, he could – I was inviting him to do so, even. But I knew he wouldn't. At least not right now, in front of everyone.

Whether he thought I was giving up entirely or if he saw it as a temporary cease-fire, he seemed to take my mellow attitude at face value for the time being. Gradually, he relaxed and focused on his dinner, sitting with me in a comfortable silence that I was afraid had been permanently compromised.

The following day was… well, the stress levels weren't much better.

While Thorin was less hostile to me specifically, he was still wound tighter than a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday. Again, not that I could really blame him. If he was starting to believe that Azog could be on the heels of his Company, and that's why he was pushing us at this grueling rate, then maybe he'd come around before we hit the mountains.

As it turns out, unfortunately, I wasn't the only one whose nightmares intensified.

The area we'd stopped at that night was next to a what I originally thought was a hill, but upon closer inspection was a gigantic rock jutting from the ground, blanketed in overgrowth. A small area in the shadow of the stone had room enough for our band to settle in, albeit tightly, surrounded by trees and various shrubs as extra cover. After checking around the other side of the rock to make sure there weren't any caves for wildlife to spring on us, we made camp, ate, and hit the hay.

In the middle of the night, after waking from violent visions that almost made me glad I was currently mute, I realized my bladder was screeching at me instead. A bathroom break was in desperate order, asap. I glanced around to see who was on watch – ah, it was still Balin, I hadn't been asleep that long then – and signaled to him I needed to go take care of business.

'Hurry back,' he signed to me from his seat against a tree, on the opposite side of camp.

I gave a nod and began tiptoeing my way through the slumbering Dwarves. The non-fighters had been once again nestled in the safest point, right against the boulder hill. This wasn't a spoken rule or anything, it was just something that I noticed kept happening, but naturally this usually meant that I had one of the longest routes to traverse in the middle of the night. Once I shimmied around the last cluster of sleeping folks – and Kili, who always contorted like he was playing Twister in his sleep – I scurried away past some bushes.

Upon returning from the bathroom break though, I noticed Kili had flopped over and blocked my original path. Brat.

I rolled my eyes and peered around for a different way I could take. Generally I preferred passing Fili and Kili since they weren't as jumpy when it came to accidentally being nudged by me trying to get by, but there was no way I could get over Kili without playing leapfrog now. I couldn't risk taking a hop like that or I'd likely fall over and crush Bilbo upon landing… Yeah, good luck explaining the Hobbit's broken ribs to Gandalf, Jenna.

After scanning for a second, I did spot an alternate path a few feet away. I blanched a little when I noticed how close it ran to Thorin, but he always slept a little further away from the group than the others, and that was the only gap I saw to even get back in.

My main mistake was skirting too close to Kili again, because he apparently wasn't done flopping around. On my way past him, the doofus rolled back into his previous spot – which would have been helpful prior to me walking by – and managed to flop his blanket off of him and right into my way. Of course, I was already going and didn't see it until it was too late, the fabric tangling around my boot.

I attempted to catch myself with my other foot in an awkward hop, but my first foot was still trapped in the blanket and balance was already thrown, causing me to fly forwards. As my luck would dictate, I landed half on the ground, half on Thorin, my knee taking the brunt of the impact against the dirt as I tried to avoid hurting him.

His reaction was insanely fast. As soon as my left arm slapped down haphazardly across his shoulder and I heard him gasp, my world flipped. My back hit the ground with force, the arm that landed on him wrenched away painfully and pinned above me by the elbow, his thumb digging into the tendon at my joint. My face screwed up as my other hand unconsciously flew to his chest to push in vain. I was pretty sure I heard Balin spring up from his spot across camp, too.

Above me, Thorin's breathing was frantic and his wide eyes were distant, the vestiges of a nightmare clinging to his consciousness. He was supporting himself with his other hand planted on the ground by my head, his long hair creating a curtain between our faces against the campfire in a way that would have been romantic in any other context but this. Light trickled through the dark waves as I winced from the aching in my arm, trying to wait as patiently as I could while lucidity slowly returned to his eyes. There was no way I could have escaped from his grip otherwise, and I was almost afraid to make any extra movement until he was fully conscious, not wanting to trigger anything else by accident. Honestly, it only took milliseconds, but it felt like an eternity as I watched him. It wasn't the pain that made it feel as such, it was just seeing him like this – panicked, traumatized, pushing away the clawing shadows from a battle I couldn't even fathom.

Somewhere else in the back of my mind, there was the familiar phantom feeling of being weighed down, trapped by legs on either side of my hips.

Staring at a tree. I didn't want to watch this. Any of it. A breeze on my torso, a creeping hand. Nausea.

There were tears in my eyes, but I couldn't think of why. It wouldn't occur to me until after the fact why this was affecting me so much. I was just startled, that's all. Right?

Thorin blinked several times, gaze flickering about my face in obvious confusion, brows crinkling together. His breathing slowed to a normal pace once he realized there was no danger. A shuddering sigh ran through him that seemed to take all his energy with it, his shoulders slumping and his head lolling down almost low enough for his forehead to brush my shoulder.

Now that Thorin's head wasn't in the way, I could see where Balin had stopped halfway towards us, watching warily, like he was trying to figure out if intervention was still in order. I gave him a look that was meant to be reassuring, though I'm not sure if it came across that way with my eyes so watery, then turned my focus back to the Dwarf above me.

I didn't think Thorin fully realized the position we were in yet, probably still recovering from the jolt to reality. My hand slid tentatively from his chest over to the arm supporting him and I gave it a comforting rub and then a pat, wiggling my hips where they were pinned under his own. (I tried to ignore that it felt like struggling, instead of reminding.)

My guess was correct as his whole body went rigid again. Abrupt and almost painful relief flooded my arm as he instantly relinquished his grip, and I couldn't bite back the hiss that escaped through my teeth as I sucked in a breath. Within the same second, the weight of Thorin vanished from my body as he rolled off and quickly helped me sit up.

I know I was a little wobbly as more tears sprang to my eyes unbidden, though my expression hadn't changed from one of concern as I looked to him. Behind Thorin, Balin relaxed with a sigh, earning an over-the-shoulder glance from the King as he remembered who was on watch. They exchanged a tired look before Thorin turned back to me.

"Are you alright?" he asked in a breath, kneeling next to me.

I nodded, but sitting there unconsciously massaging the crook of my elbow was a giveaway. I hadn't realized I was doing it, dropping my hands belatedly.

A scowl formed as he stared at the spot that I knew was irritated beneath my shirt sleeve. His tone was still quiet as he apologized, "I am sorry I hurt you."

It was my turn to frown slightly, shaking my head. Honestly, I would be fine. 'I am sorry I tripped and woke you,' I said, then asked in return, 'You are alright too?'

"Aye, Jenna," he said shortly, shooting a quick look to the trees above us in exasperation before meeting my eyes again. He seemed irritated now, standing as he added, "I am fine, as always. If you'll excuse me." Thorin dismissed himself with a nod to Balin and one more glance my way before he ventured out of the clearing.

I was… confused, to some degree. I looked over to Balin for guidance, but he seemed just as troubled as me. Unless I was mistaken though, there was some stray hint in his eyes that urged me to my feet, and I was scurrying after Thorin before I could really think about it.

There was a delayed reminder in my head that he might've just gone for a pee break, and God that would have been embarrassing to run into, so I slowed down a bit as I picked my way through the forest just in case. Somehow I doubted that's why he left, but it never hurt to be cautious while travelling with this lot, especially since I'd literally just gotten up to do the same thing not that long ago. Thankfully though, my initial hunch as to his departure had been correct.

Around the side of the giant boulder hill, another small separation of trees allowed enough moonlight through for me to spot Thorin. This clearing would have been too small for the Company, but it was the perfect size for pacing back and forth, which is what I found him doing.

My approach wasn't quiet by any means, branches and leaves crumpling under my feet as I stepped into the clearing. He didn't even look up to see who followed him, though I wasn't sure if it was because he already knew or because he didn't care either way.

"You should return to camp," Thorin stated, arms crossed. He didn't stop pacing.

I just watched, trying to figure out what he needed. Taking a few steps closer finally got his attention and when he glanced up, I signed, 'Do you want me to?'

As Thorin regarded the question and stopped pacing for a second, his jaw tensed. The visible hand resting on his bicep gripped his arm a little tighter before he whipped his head away with a huff and started pacing again, not meeting my eyes. That was as much of an answer as any. He wanted to tell me to leave, but… didn't. Or couldn't.

I wasn't entirely sure how to interpret that. The optimistic side of my brain said he wanted my support right now. The obnoxious, uncertain part of my brain said the same nonsense about him being polite. It was getting easier to suplex the uncertain part of my brain like a WWE wrestler when these thoughts appeared. If Thorin wanted me gone, he'd have said so, but this guy would never outright ask for emotional support.

It felt like ages before he finally broke the silence.

"I believed my grandfather avenged," Thorin said, voice gravelly as he continued pacing. "That Thror's death at Azanulbizar had earned its due retribution – and you come here speaking of your books, expecting me to accept otherwise?"

If there was any doubt in my mind what his nightmare had been about, then this was the confirmation I'd needed. There was an inkling of belief in my words about Azog, which was a paltry victory at the moment, as his memories of that battle resurfaced and he pushed the Company faster despite himself.

The emotions laying just under his words betrayed the tangible hurt there. It made me question once again if this had been the right choice, but I had to shove the doubts from my head. I'd rather him find out now than on a flaming cliffside as everyone hung onto a tree for dear life.

It was hard for me to even gesture. 'I am sorry, but I do not want you to find out later.'

He stopped pacing and stared me down, the ghosts of his past haunting the crease between his brow and the lines beneath his eyes. Thorin never saw Azog dead on that battlefield, and he knew it. He knew I'd shown my hand of psuedo-clairvoyance before. And he also knew there was one other thing that happened very recently that could have caused me to leak this information.

"Would you still have told me, had that man not returned?" he challenged accusingly.

There was a guilt speckled in my features that he picked up on easily enough. Of course he'd already pieced it together. Even still, I had my reasons for being cautious, and explained as much, 'You know I must be careful. Some things cannot change or I will doom this world by accident.'

Thorin stared, skeptical of my excuses, "Just how would you manage that?"

I thought of a ring in a cave, guarded by a scary little man, who would be found by the rekindled forces of a certain dark lord within the next 60 years.

'You'd be surprised.' I spaced out for a second thinking of it. There was a long pause after that, wherein I simply looked at him, blinking back to the present.

Thorin watched my reaction curiously, losing a bit of steam after realizing he would get no more from me about that. He turned away again, pacing a few more times before settling on a low stone that jutted from the side of the huge boulder before us. The King landed tiredly, elbows resting on his knees, leaning forwards to cradle his forehead in one hand, massaging his temples with the weariest sigh I've ever heard.

I took a few tentative steps forward, waiting, unsure of how to proceed as the crickets around us chirped away in the night. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.

"The bounty was written in Black Speech," Thorin voiced his thoughts quietly. "When Gandalf said we were being hunted, I believed an errant Orc Pack had simply tailed us – perhaps for the bounty, perhaps by chance."

The theory he was piecing together was more and more troubling to him. Like one last ditch effort to see if I could refute the idea these clues were leading to, Thorin tilted his head my way and adjusted the supporting fingers accordingly, thumb against his cheekbone and index on his forehead.

Scanning my face as he asked his next question, watching my reaction intensely, he breathed out, "Are we being pursued by Azog the Defiler?"

My expression was a myriad of emotions; all worrisome ones, like intense regret and maybe a bit of fear. A hint of melancholy. From that alone, he knew the answer. I couldn't help the way my lips flattened into a tense line.

It only confirmed everything he was dreading. Thorin's hand dropped from his face, the rise and fall of his shoulders with his breathing picked up as he broke eye contact, and leaned forward even more heavily on his elbows. Looking to the ground with that distant haunted gaze again, he clasped his hands together tightly.

"When – ?" The word almost appeared to catch in his throat. "When does that monster make himself known to us? You said you did not want me to find out later? Later when?" Thorin asked me once he found his voice again, forcing himself to look back to my hands for an answer.

It was my turn to shudder with the weight of my sigh, as I responded grimly, 'After we cross the mountains. I do not know what day.'

There was a seemingly infinite moment of time where Thorin took this information in, processing. "Within the month," he eventually uttered. Not a question, just a disbelieving confirmation of what he'd heard. He shook his head almost imperceptibly again, letting it hang as he stared at his hands without really seeing them. They were clasped so tightly that I could tell his knuckles were turning white, even with just the dim moonlight.

I felt helpless. How do you comfort someone during this? Would he even want that effort from me? How does someone like me comfort someone like Thorin Oakenshield after telling him something like that?

Great, good job. You finally got him to speak to you about the issue. Now what?

By some far-fetched miracle, my body and instincts took over for me while I was mentally frozen. I was on my way over to calm him before I even processed what I was doing, stepping forward to crouch and gingerly settling on my knees before him. His eyes focused back in on the present, on me, and hidden behind everything else, there was a hint of surprise on his face. Quite frankly, I caught myself off guard as well.

Though remorseful at even having to break this to him, still being accepted into his space after all of this was a quiet relief. But more than that, I wanted to soothe his anxieties too.

As scared as I also was of ever running across Azog in person (because I mean, yikes), I had to believe everything would be okay and work towards that goal with them. Not just out of faith for the story I knew, but due to the man in front of me and the Company that had our back. The timeline could alter and diverge all it wanted, as long as key components such as the One Ring's retrieval stayed the same. Regardless, I couldn't let myself be dogged by the doubts those ripple effects caused, or I'd never change the ending of this. I had to show my confidence in that, or he would see right past any false bravado I projected. I could only think of one thing to say to him then.

'We will handle it,' I recited his words from the other day back to him.

Thorin's huff was near enough for the air to tickle across my face, and I tried not to shiver. This wasn't the time.

He said with a sour undertone, "Do not. Those words were spoken before I knew what news you would bring."

'Why does that change things?' I asked stubbornly.

"You do not know what Azog is capable of," Thorin replied, staring at me like I was an idiot. Maybe I was.

To some degree, he was right, I supposed. There was a big difference between watching something on a screen and experiencing it in real life – i.e. seeing the Wargs in a film versus seeing their bloodied teeth inches from your face. There was at least some attempt on my part to look decently concerned at his words, but I wasn't going to take it back. I met his gaze as steadily as I could, trying to convey this.

There was a long second where Thorin merely considered me, as I sat there on the ground in front of him, before he spoke up again. The inflection of his voice turned somber once more.

"Thror was one of the mightiest warriors Middle Earth has ever seen," he told me quietly, a hint of pride showing before it was swept away, "And still he was defeated. Balin tells it as though my battle were a legend of old, but it did not feel as such. The tides were barely turned then, and with an army at our backs."

While I wasn't sure of many things, I understood that Thorin was being quite vulnerable. For him, anyway. As a leader, showing uncertainty probably wasn't something he felt he could afford around the others, likely viewing it as weakness. This quest was too important for there to be a chink in his armor now.

He continued, "How can you be so certain of your story? You said yourself that events could change and have already done so. The men from Bree, for one. How much faith could you put into a book, so much as to risk condemning yourself as well should things go awry?"

I bit my lip while pondering what to say for a second. 'You are right. Things might change and that is scary,' I gestured carefully, with thought. 'But… I have faith in this Company, and in you. Not the storybook character. Not the legend. The real Thorin Oakenshield, right here.'

I couldn't be bothered to think twice about reaching for his hands. I delicately unclasped them from each other, snagging a few of his fingers, and giving them a small shake for emphasis, followed by a gentle squeeze.

After a moment, wherein he appeared to consider something, Thorin readjusted our connection to lightly grip my hands back, and reciprocate the squeeze. I tried to put forth a tiny smile of what I prayed came across as encouragement, though my brows were still brought together in a bit of concern. I hoped that, maybe, I really was helping. Even a smidge.

There was a stoicism that was hard to decipher in his expression, but it was better than the intensely suppressed pseudo panic from earlier. I think it helped that I myself wasn't panicking over the situation, with my foreknowledge acting as a buffer for that impending danger, even if this news would undoubtedly plague him until… Well, until Azog was six feet under.

There was so much more to talk about. We both knew that. However, we also knew that it would do us no good if we didn't get some sleep. I could feel my small reserve of energy ebbing now that the situation was stable for the time being. I really hadn't rested all that long, I realized as a small yawn overtook me, and neither had he.

"We will speak more of this tomorrow," he said, voicing my thoughts as he took in my exhausted face. "It grows late, and we will need our wits about us if what you say is true."

If it was soothing in some way for Thorin to just hold my hands a moment longer though, as he made no move to separate, you wouldn't hear any complaints from me. I wasn't sure what had been running through my sleep-deprived mind when I sat on the ground in front of him like this, other than the desire to comfort him. It grew quiet as his thoughts drifted, and I don't think Thorin even noticed he was doing it, but I felt his thumbs brush over my knuckles absentmindedly.

"You're certain I did not hurt you?" he asked softly, voice a bit distant. I realized his attention was on the crook of my arm where he'd pinned me.

I nodded. It might bruise faintly, but that was the extent of it.

Thorin still looked unconvinced of that answer, meeting my stare. "There were tears in your eyes," he pointed out.

My smile faded into something a bit more stale. Damn. I was hoping he hadn't noticed all that. Reflexively, I shrank into myself and avoided eye contact, thinking about whether or not I wanted to tell him the truth or just say he had startled me. What did it matter? Thorin had way worse things to worry about…

A thumb brushed my knuckles again. He could tell I was deliberating, and given how long it was taking me, then anything less than the truth wouldn't be believed.

I sighed through my nose since my lips were pressed too tightly together for it, regretting when I had to slip my hands free of his to talk. 'You did not hurt me. It just reminded me too much,' I motioned with hesitancy, 'Of when the men had me. And Gavin tried to do more… on me like that.'

It made me nervous, for some reason, to admit I was still affected by what happened. If it was anyone but myself saying it, I would have immediately understood the lingering negative response to such a thing. We are our own worst critics though, and it felt like I should have been on my way over this, especially with bigger things going on.

Thorin was quiet for a long time, prompting me to eventually risk a glance up at him. He looked… ill, or like I'd struck him across the face. Or both.

A word that sounded like some curse in Khuzdul slipped from under his breath, and he said, mortified, "I cannot apologize enough."

'I am alright now,' I reassured him quickly. 'It is not your fault I tripped and startled you.'

"Nonetheless," Thorin insisted, regarding me seriously. "I would never wish to remind you of them in any capacity." A scowl formed as he said this, like he'd have been totally okay with stabbing Jean all over again and maybe Gavin this time too.

'You are nothing like those toads,' I signed with a small half smile, making to stand and realizing my legs were definitely asleep. There may be karmic retribution for speaking ill of the dead or whatever, but I really couldn't find it in myself to care.

Whether it was my wording or the way I wobbled while trying to feel my feet again, I caught the quirk of Thorin's lips in the corner of my sight, however brief, as he offered his hand to assist me. The carefully controlled stoicism returned, of course, as he stood and we made our way back to camp. Balin said nothing when we reappeared, just watching with that polite curiosity that seemed to know more than he let on. I met his stare with a small smile and received one in return, and I could have sworn he seemed relieved, somehow.

While we ended the evening on a fairly good note though, it didn't magically erase everything else that I'd told Thorin prior. The King's own personal nightmare was going to make a return during the most important excursion of his entire life – obviously he wasn't going to be in a very fantastic mood for the coming days ahead, and I needed to prepare for that.

I just wish, I suppose, that I had braced myself more thoroughly.

"Where does he find us?"

I had barely finished my first meal of the day and the train of questions was already off the rails. How long has Azog been after him? How long has Azog been following the Company? When was the bounty set? The exact dates of these things were lost on me, even with my vague mental timeline, so I couldn't give Thorin the answers he wanted right away. Eventually he started asking questions that geared more towards the imminent future, and those I could help with. Somewhat, anyway.

'On a cliffside,' I answered, watching him pace as we waited for our companions to finish breakfast. We could see them fairly easily through the thin branches and shrubbery, not having gone as far away as the previous night, which meant they could also see us. Every once in a while, I caught Fili or Kili poking their faces around leaves to try and decipher my hand signs. I readjusted accordingly.

"We'll be in the mountains. That hardly narrows it down," Thorin chided, throwing me a look. The peace of the previous night had fled, unfortunately taking some of his chill with it.

I mentally waffled with a description and reminded myself to take a few calming breaths before responding again. 'A cliff bigger than the field with fireflies. It has tall trees and one at the very edge with pinecones.'

"Then we simply do not go to this place," he said, like it was the easiest thing in the world.

'I do not think we can avoid it,' I said with an anticipatory cringe.

Thorin stopped pacing. "And why not?"

I shook my head a little as my shoulders lifted, feeling backed into a corner as I signed, 'There are things that happen before it that I cannot change.'

As if his glowering wasn't bad enough already, that made it significantly worse. This dude was already holding his composure together with the most microscopic of threads, so I wasn't all that surprised when he rumbled lowly, "I have already made it clear that if your secrets put my Company in harm's way – "

My hands flew up hopelessly as I turned in a half circle and back again.

" – that our deal would be off."

It was too early for this.

'Why would I put them in danger on purpose?' I couldn't help but ask with a frown.

"Why would you keep Azog's existence from me until now?" he threw back.

God-fucking-dammit. We were going in circles!

I inhaled deeply again, hands stiff in front of me as I fanned out my fingers in baffled irritation and stared at him. I had already explained to him why I couldn't just run around changing whatever I felt like!

The noise of camp packing up as everyone finished their food reached us. It was for the best that this paused for the time anyway, before we both blew a gasket, so I just let my hands drop as I exhaled and we shared a look. I could tell that shelving the topic so we could set off again was a Herculean task for Thorin.

Stopping for lunch was much of the same at first. It garnered even more wide-eyed, puzzled looks from our companions as Thorin and I stepped away from the group again, their attempts to catch a peek at my hand signs even more blatant this go around. The small field had all of three trees and like, five boulders, so due to this I found myself trying to use Thorin's body for cover more often. Which was easier said than done, since he wouldn't stop pacing! Damn, they didn't even need a shovel to bury Jean. I could've just told Thorin about Azog a little earlier and he would have worn a hole in the ground for them!

"If we cannot avoid this cliffside encounter," he began, phrasing it like I was just being obtuse, "then might we at least outmaneuver him? Do you know what time of day it will be, or from where he will approach?"

Oh, uhh. 'Sundown,' I said while squinting in thought. Then I shook my head the tiniest bit as a frown formed on my face, not as an answer, but because I was trying to think of how to detail where the pack would come from. 'From… above but also behind? I do not know how to explain.' They showed up on a ledge above the tunnel exit, right? Such specifics weren't something I thought to look for while casually enjoying the movie. Like, who ever thinks they'll need this information?!

Thorin took in my answer with little more than a short 'hm' of acceptance, immediately following it up with a new query. "He will not be alone, if the previous pack was any indicator. How many will they number? In both Orcs and Wargs?"

I spotted the two princes again, joined by Bofur and Ori now, leaning around one of the few boulders that dotted the yellowing, grassy field. I couldn't be truly annoyed with them given how wildly suspicious this all must have seemed.

'I cannot remember. Six or seven of both?' It felt like I was lowballing that number though. And crap, weren't there more demon dogs? 'Maybe more Wargs,' I added just in case, shuffling to angle myself so the others wouldn't see that last word.

"How am I to keep my Company safe if I do not know how we find ourselves there in the first place?" Thorin asked in irritation, pausing the pacing and letting his arms unfold from their crossed position. He seemed to be at a loss, which was just not acceptable to him in this situation. He was a man of action. "What happens before this event that you allegedly cannot change?"

Oh my god. I narrowed my eyes at his wording, the insinuation finally bugging me too much. 'Allegedly?' I repeated.

"You've yet to explain why you cannot change it, only citing repercussions in the vaguest sense," Thorin said, meeting my gaze sternly. His patience was… wearing down. "I fail to see how these repercussions are more important than the lives of my kin."

Trying not to lose my cool, I took in a sharp breath as I ground my teeth together. I'm sure my dentist was waking up in a cold sweat back on Earth. I replied back, 'Your kin and everyone here would be in much worse danger if I messed this up. I cannot tell you.'

Thorin's nostrils flared as he also fought to remain composed, staring at my hands and shaking his head again in disbelief as he looked off to the side like he was searching the hills for the willpower to stay calm. When his gaze returned my way, he stepped closer in order to lowly growl out, "You cannot simply say this beast has returned from the grave and expect me to sit back and wait for my Company to be slaughtered."

I was surely scowling by now. 'I would not let – '

The words went unfinished as Thorin interjected, "Do not say it. You swore in Rivendell that we would cross the Misty Mountains safely, yet you knew Azog awaited. You can make no promises as to what will happen where he is involved."

'What do you want then?' I asked rigidly, feeling the calm I'd worked so hard to maintain slipping through my grip.

"Cooperation in keeping my Company alive would suffice," he snarked, gesturing in the direction of the others. "Those that you say you've come to care for yet take no issue in leading directly into danger!"

That was about all I could take.

'FINE!' I signed out rapidly, irritated, almost in his face as my anxiety hit its peak and made me snap. Not for the first time, I wanted my voice back if only to yell at him. 'You ask, I tell now!'

"Aye, that's what I've wished for since this began," he bit out impatiently.

There was no controlling how my lips scrunched frustratedly as I quickly motioned, 'There will be a storm, Stone Giants that fight, Goblins that sing bad, Azog and Wargs who chase you up trees, and then the Great Eagles come to save us when everything is on fire!' Buried beneath my other louder emotions, as I formed these shapes in my outburst, I heard something telling me that was a bad idea.

If anything, though, Thorin's glare just darkened. There was a long moment where he stared at my hands, narrowing his eyes, appearing to grow more irate rather than less. It was almost more distressing to me than when I'd first told him of Azog. He said with a strange new venom, "If you only wish to mock me in your anger, then we are finished here."

I drew back, my rage wilting a bit with surprise. I'd expected a lot of things from that admission, but not just… straight up disbelief.

When I didn't take my words back, he continued on, grumbling bitterly, "If you are refusing to help protect my Company, then I will do what is necessary to see to it myself." With a short shake of his head, like he was talking himself out of adding more to that statement, he abruptly began marching back to camp.

Wh… What? What did he mean by – ?

All of the sudden, it struck me that he would likely tell the others now. My secret was already barely a secret, with me holding it behind closed doors as best I could, but if the Company knew… I'd be blamed for everything bad that would happen. I knew how this sort of thing went. All my future knowledge would become a looming scape goat. If anything happened to any of them, whether in the final battle or otherwise, I knew how they would view me. I couldn't stand the thought of losing my friends, having them hate me if anyone got hurt. Or if… If I couldn't save the line of Durin.

I nearly tripped over myself in an effort to catch up, but almost as soon as I got close enough to put a hand on his arm, Thorin whipped around, knocking it loose. I recoiled as a painfully frigid stare met mine.

"I have suspended my disbelief thus far, giving benefit of the doubt where I could," he growled vehemently. "And this is what I receive in return. Should I still believe Azog is tailing us or was that part of your mockery as well?"

My mouth fell open slightly as I blinked in shock.

"Until you can handle this with the severity it requires, do not speak to me, Miss Hollander."

Not Jenna, this time.

It was Miss Hollander again.

And he left me standing there, staring at nothing. The dry grass around my boots swished in the breeze. Vaguely, in my peripheral, I knew the attempted eavesdrop gang had frozen when Thorin snapped at me, and they were scrambling away to look casual as he came their way. I registered the sounds of him rounding up everyone to head off again, his irritated voice carrying easily.

With some effort, I closed my mouth, swallowing hard. At the base of my throat I could feel that familiar knot, a stinging in my eyes accompanying it. I always hated confrontation for this exact reason, when every emotion seemed to wind up with me crying.

With even more effort, I turned and took the required steps to rejoin the group, numbly shouldering my backpack and refusing to let my tears fall. (It didn't help that I knew my period was due again soon and my hormones were likely raging, contributing to the issue. Maybe the sheer stress would keep it at bay a little longer? Ha, I could only be so lucky.)

I was hurt, and sad, and frustrated, and just – where… where did I go from here? What was I supposed to do?

It was very quiet when we got back on the road, making me wonder if any of the others had overheard the argument. Either Balin had simply picked up on the mood or just didn't think now was the time, not questioning when I meandered closer to the back of the flock with Bofur and Bilbo. They didn't ask either and I was all the more grateful for it.

I knew Thorin would find out the truth eventually, but I had really hoped... I guess I'd hoped Thorin trusted me more than that. He really thought I'd say that shit, just because I was mad? At a time like this? Despite his tenuous belief in my crazy story, I thought maybe he could have as much faith in me as I had in him, but I supposed that was asking a lot from one of the most guarded people to ever exist. It didn't mean I wasn't upset about it all the same.

The rest of the day was riddled with accidentally meeting Thorin's eyes any time we took a break, and seeing an expectant look across his annoyed face as he stared me down. I knew what he wanted, of course. He was waiting for me to come and apologize, to take back my words. Logic would dictate that I could lie and retract the stuff about Giants and Eagles, if only for a temporary truce, but my own stubbornness was the true obstacle right now. I didn't want to actually lie to him just because he was pissed off and thought I was being insensitive about the issue. Just because my pride didn't rear its head often did not mean it didn't exist, as I was thusly reminded, much to this situation's detriment.

By the time night fell, and we made camp, we still had not spoken again yet.

My training with Dwalin felt like the only normal thing about the whole day, allowing me to forget my internal struggles for a moment and focus on the physical ones. Namely learning the quickest ways to get back on my feet after getting knocked down – which, naturally, required me to get knocked down a lot first. I suffered through many awkward stumbles and flops, but it was a welcome distraction.

Naturally, it couldn't last forever though. Once the call for dinner was heard and Dwalin ceased our training for the night, I dusted myself off to follow him for a bowl and was stopped as I looked up to see Thorin standing before me.

It was that same damn look, if a bit more insistent. Arms crossed, anticipatory tilt of the head and a quirk of the brow. His face seemed to suggest I'd had enough time to get over my agitation, and that I should be willing to divulge the truth by now.

I stared at him, putting one hand on my hip and adjusting my stance to look equally expectant, if a bit beseeching. He needed to have some fucking faith in me and realize I'd already told him the truth, whether he wanted to believe it or not.

There was some amount of perplexity in his expression at the fact that I didn't cave right then. Though, that was only barely visible through the layers of vexation still plastered where they had been the entire day.

When it became clear that I still wouldn't budge, his frown deepened and he moved on with a shake of his head, going to fetch his dinner.

I did not sit beside Thorin while we ate, through some miraculous willpower, opting instead to sit with Bofur and Bilbo. They seemed a bit wary of the whole thing, understandably so, but didn't question the change, allowing me the peace I desired. I tried to ignore the occasional side-eyes and questioning looks from the rest of the Company, as I was sure the returning tension in the group had everything to do with their leader's mood.

As much as I understood where Thorin was coming from, and how outlandish my claims of the future seemed, it didn't negate the sting of his words and his doubt. There was a bitter, foul feeling in the pit of my stomach as I lay down that night for sleep, anxiety gnawing away at me.

As one day of not talking to him turned into two, and two into three, I braced myself as we reached the Misty Mountains.

:)

OKAY, please don't merc me! I know y'all are probably screeching. Next chapter is a Thorin POV and we get to play catch-up with some of his thoughts regarding this whole situation. (You didn't think they'd make it through this whole fic without interpersonal DRAMA, did you?) But after that, you guys know exactly where we'll beeee. ;)

Ah, but on that note, I'm not super confident about writing said drama, so any feedback would be more than welcome. I've not touched a whole lot on Thorin's hot tempered side, but I'm hoping it comes across like I'm wanting.

And btw I do know PTSD is different for everyone, but I've based this mainly on my own experiences with resurfacing trauma, and those of family members (like my war veteran step-dad nearly breaking my mom's hand by accident during a nightmare). Shit's wild. If you're dealing with any trauma of your own, I'm wishing you the best therapy and healing. Fr fr.

Anyway, the next chapter should be out in about another two weeks, give or take.

Until next time!