The words "Radar's uncle passed away" repeated in his head and Hawkeye knew this was going to stir everything up again.
He looked over at his sleeping child and debated whether or not to wake him. They still needed to tell Radar the bad news and Chris wouldn't be happy if he missed helping his friend. But the boy was finally asleep and he needed the rest so Hawkeye let him sleep.
With his decision made, they went in search of the clerk and found him in the officer club, drinking his grape Nehi. He was a bit upset about not being able to find a generator and was nursing his drink.
Hawkeye hated to be the bringer of bad news but as a doctor you didn't have a choice sometimes. Thankfully the colonel took this burden on him but it was still heartbreaking to see the color drain of his friend's face and the terror. Radar seemed shocked at first and a little dazed but as the reality invaded his mind he became clearer.
The rest of the night was spent trying to call back Radar's mother because it took hours before they finally reached her.
Hawkeye, BJ, Francis and the Colonel were waiting patiently while Radar was on the phone when a nervous Chris found them.
The boy sighed with relief when he saw his dad and walked up to stand next to him. He felt a nervous, sad energy around the room and it made him even more anxious than he already was. It always puts him on edge to wake up alone. Even though Charles was there, it wasn't the same as his dad. He needed to know where his dad was.
Hawkeye put an arm around his son's shoulder and explained carefully that Radar's uncle passed away. Once again he saw the color drain and the sadness in those blue eyes. Chris immediately wanted to run towards the other room, probably to hug or cling to his friend but Hawkeye stopped him by grabbing the boy's waist and pulling him back.
"Radar is calling his mom, better let them have some privacy." He said.
"But dad! He might need me!" Chris tried but Hawkeye shook his head and didn't let him go so Chris sighed and sat down next to his dad.
Radar stepped out a couple minutes later with a defeated expression. The young clerk looked like he aged ten years in one single night. The clerk put away some files and Hawkeye wasn't fast enough to stop Chris from barreling into his friend. The boy grabbed the clerk around his waist and buried his face into the Clerk's bathrobe.
Radar let out a soft "Oof!" when Chris collided with him but other than that the man still seemed a bit shocked.
"What'd your mom say, Radar?" Hawkeye asked gently.
"Mostly that's she's okay." Radar mumbled. "Uncle Ed's funeral is tomorrow. Everybody in Ottumwa is gonna be there… Except me." He said defeated. "Then Mom can take over for herself."
The Colonel sighed and said. "It's not gonna be easy for her, though, is it?"
"Yeah" Radar responded when he walked to the other side of the room with Chris clinging around his waist in order to continue his work. It was a skill some of the personnel learned while dealing with Chris.
Hawkeye didn't have the heart to pull the child away at this moment and Radar didn't really seem to notice the boy anyway so he let him be.
"Quite a woman, your mother." Francis added sorely.
"Takes after her son." BJ said. "And how about you, Radar? Are you okay?"
"Huh? Yeah. I'm okay." Radar said but it didn't sound like that at all. "I mean, I don't wanna be, but I guess I have to be. I'm the man of the family now."
Chris let out a small sniff. Radar was being so strong right now and Chris thought it was so brave. He admired him so much and tried hard to not start crying, but the sad, anxious feeling around the room was suffocating.
"That's right, son." The colonel said as he got up and stood next to the clerk. "And you're going home."
Radar gave the colonel a confused look while Chris felt his insides turn ice cold.
The colonel continued. "Go get yourself a DA-7 hardship discharge and type your name on it."
"I'm going home, sir?" Radar stammered perplexed.
Chris let out a soft but high long painful "Noooo!"
Hawkeye quickly got up to pull the child away. The boy seemed a bit dazed as Hawkeye removed the small arms from the clerk before he gently dragged the boy away. Chris looked white as a ghost, with eyes as big as saucers. The pain and fear were clear in those blue eyes and it broke Hawkeye's heart.
The Colonel put a hand on the Clerk's shoulder and said. "Radar, Lord knows your mother is a strong woman, but she won't make it alone. You oughta be there with her."
"R-Radar i-is leaving?" Chris asked softly. It was barely a whisper but Hawkeye heard it clearly. The terror in the boy's voice would haunt his own dreams for a while. Not to mention the nightmares the child will have after this. All his hope for things to calm down flew out of the window.
"Yeah, kiddo." Hawkeye replied softly to his son. Radar is needed back home."
"B-b-b-u-t" Chris started softly. The child still seemed shocked while Hawkeye quickly pulled him into a tight embrace. There wasn't anything he could do to make this better.
The colonel started explaining. "I'll notify the Red Cross, and they'll have I-corps process your tout de suite." He said to the still dazed clerk. "You should be home in time for Sunday night supper."
BJ got up and shook Radar's hand as he said. "Save some leftovers for us."
"Home?" Radar said again. "I'm going home?"
"Where you belong." Hawkeye added.
"R-Radar c-can't go!" Chris suddenly said. His heartbreak was clear in his voice.
"Radar has to go, Kiddo." Hawkeye tried but Chris just shook his head and said. "H-He's my friend." The reality was finally catching up with him and Hawkeye saw the devastation in the boy's eyes before the boy broke down.
It started slowly at first with short fast breaths while the remaining color disappeared from the boy's face and it turned quickly into a full blown panic attack.
Hawkeye gently took the child's face between his hands and looked into his eyes and said gently. "You need to calm down. Think about your breathing." From his doctor's point of view his child looked terrible but the boy looked even worse from his dad's point of view.
"I'm sorry." Radar said sadly.
"Don't be." Hawkeye said immediately. "Don't you dare to feel guilty because you are going home."
Chris seemed to get worse after that so Hawkeye gently took him away for some privacy. He needed to explain this to his son gently, at least why this was happening.
The boy's breathing sounded ragged as Hawkeye quickly brought him outside the clerk's office. Outside he leaned against the wall of the building and pulled his arms around the gasping boy. He put one hand on the back of the child's neck to help him with the rhythm of his breathing.
Chris buried his face into the man's chest and tried to ignore his raging hurting feelings and just focus on the tapping on the back of his neck. He knew he needed his breathing back under control because he was getting lightheaded. The world seemed to spin as he tried to fight his dizziness. He couldn't force his emotions down as it felt like he lost all control of the world around him.
Hawkeye tried soothing him with gentle words and by blocking out all lights and most of the sounds. He needed to get this under control fast. Chris was slowly turning into a blueish color and it was scaring him.
"Come on!" Hawkeye tried. "It's going to be okay. I'm here. Please calm down, just focus on the tapping."
Chris just nodded shakily. His nerves were a raging mess and the feeling of complete helplessness was so strong. It was hard to get a hold of them, the thought of his best friend leaving forever swam through his mind. He knew he had to fight his dizziness, so he shut his eyes and blocked out the thought about Radar leaving. He focused solely on his dad's voice.
Because all other sounds and lights were blocked it made it easier to focus. He smelled his father's familiar, soothing scent, and gradually became aware that his evil thoughts had become less frequent. With that small victory he could focus a bit more on the tapping at the back of his neck.
Hawkeye let out a relieved deep sigh as he noticed Chris's breathing got a bit better. "That's it! Kiddo. Good boy." He said relieved. "We're getting through this."
It was a strange feeling to be happy and relieved to hear a sob from the child. But Chris always cried after a panic attack so this meant the worst part was slowly getting over. Hawkeye stopped his tapping and gathered his son closer as the boy started sobbing.
There wasn't anything else to do but to let Chris cry it out. He rocked him gently in his arms, letting him know he was safe and that he was there for him. He spoke in a soothing voice, telling him that everything was going to be alright.
He held him until the tears stopped and Chris's breathing returned to a small hiccups.
"R-Radar c-cant leave." Chris said while he still had his face pressed against his dad's chest.
"I'm sorry, Kiddo. He has to go home, his mom needs him more." Hawkeye explained again.
Chris let out a heartbreaking whimper before he mumbled softly. "M-maybe I-I can c-convince Radar to st-stay"
"Oh no, you don't!" Hawkeye immediately responded. He moved the crying boy a step away from him to look him sternly into his eyes. He pointed his finger at the sad boy and said. "You do not convince Radar of anything. He needs to go home."
"B-but dad! I-I don't want…" Chris started but he got cut off by his dad, who shook his head.
"I said no. No convincing. No sabotaging. No making Radar feel guilty for leaving also. Understood?" Hawkeye said seriously. At the angry and stubborn expression of the boy, Hawkeye gave him a stern one back and said. "I mean it Chris."
"B-but…" Chris tried again.
But Hawkeye cut him off with a firm "No" He had to admit he really admired the boy's courage but this was non negotiable. He tapped the boy's chin to request eye contact and after he got those sad eyes on him he said. "I mean it, Mister. If I hear anything of you sabotaging Radar or you sneaking in that plane, you'll be a very sorry boy."
The boy's eyes teared up again and he burned bright red. Even his ears turned bright pink but Hawkeye wasn't ready with his lecture and continued. "You are also not going to make Radar feel guilty for leaving or locking him up so he would be missing the plane. Any plans or ideas you have, you will forget it!"
Chris let out an angry sob, he was so angry. This was just so unfair. He couldn't think, the raging emotions made everything cloudy and confusing. The only thing he wanted was to stop Radar from leaving. He stomped his foot with anger but burst into tears the second his foot hit the ground. He couldn't miss his best friend. Radar was the only friend he had who stayed longer than a few days or weeks.
His dad collected him in his arms again and he felt like such a crybaby. He was eleven years old by now and way too big to cry so much, but he would miss Radar so much it hurts.
Hawkeye let the boy cry it out once again while he explained Radar would be happy and safe back home.
"I-I-It's unfair" Chris cried.
"I know, Kiddo and I'm sorry." Hawkeye countered. Life just wasn't fair and because Chris didn't understand the difference between living in a war zone and living a normal life it made things very difficult to explain.
After a while it was time for Hawkeye to go to his rounds in post-op. Chris calmed down enough to tell him he wanted to stay with Radar. It was a nice change that Chris wasn't clinging to him, something he had been doing for weeks now but Hawkeye still made sure thats son promised to really let go if any of the adults told him too.
He guided the boy back inside. BJ and the Colonel had already left, and Radar had started to pack up his things while Klinger was trying to get the clerk to explain everything he needed to know about this job as Klinger would be the new clerk after Radar left.
Hawkeye knocked on the doorframe and said. "I'll leave Chris here with you but he promised to let go if you tell him too. If he doesn't let me know." He felt a bit guilty for leaving his son while the boy needed him, but he had to work so there wasn't much choice. He also felt bad for leaving the sad child with Radar but he knew Chris would Probably fall asleep soon like he often did after a panic attack.
Chris sniffed as he walked up to the clerk timidly. He had been crying for so long already and he was relieved that he managed to stop but now that he was getting closer to his friend he felt his eyes tear up again. He wanted to ask if he could get a hug instead of just grabbing Radar but as he got closer he couldn't help himself and he grabbed the clerk around his waist with a loud sniff and buried his face against the man's chest. He started sobbing again.
Hawkeye threw Radar an apologizing look before he left.
The next half hour Radar tried to continue his packing with a crying child clinging to him. He tried everything to cheer the boy up but nothing seemed to help. He felt terrible as he watched the child, tears streaming down his face, clinging onto him for dear life but he had no choice.
After a while Radar tried to tell Chris to let go of him but the child let out another sob and tightened his grip.
"Chris, you really need to let go now." The clerk said while he gently tried to remove the small arms from around him. Chris started crying louder and didn't move.
"Come on, you promised!" Radar tried again. "I don't want Hawkeye to get mad at you."
That last statement made Chris stop and think. He knew Radar was right so he sighed defeated and with a lot of reluctance and effort, he slowly let go. He did promise but he had such a strong urge to keep his friend close. Like if he held on to the clerk, Radar couldn't leave forever.
Radar thanked him and immediately went to the phone, he still needed to find a generator and time was running short.
His heart broke a little more when Chris sat down on his cot in the corner of the room with a sad sniff and took his teddy bear out from under his pillow. The boy looked devastated as he fiddled with the bear's ear and it made him feel guilty.
The next hour was filled with urgent phone calls and a lot of empty negotiations leading up to nothing while Klinger demanded a complete description of his upcoming job. It seemed hopeless to find a replacement generator and the soft sniffing child in the corner of the room wasn't helping.
After a while the clerk noticed Chris had fallen asleep on his bed still holding his teddy bear. The little boy looked so peaceful, despite the tears still wet on his cheeks. He remembered when he was a child and how he used to cling to the same teddy bear during the night, and he couldn't help but feel for the little boy. He knew that Chris was going through a difficult time, and he wished he could do something to make it better, even if it was just for a moment.
The day quickly went by. Hawkeye collected Chris when it was time to eat. They forgot to eat breakfast together so it was important for Chris to eat something. Of course Chris didn't want to lose Radar out of his sight and promised to eat if Radar joined them so Radar had no choice but to come with them.
After dinner the empty negotiations on the phone continued. It was getting darker and they were nowhere near a generator.
Radar was on the phone with Sparky when he heard them. "Oh-oh" he said and Klinger, who was standing beside him, groaned.
"Forget the generator." The clerk said to Sparky. He is hearing choppers and they would be here any minute bringing with them a lot of wounded and he needed a solution right now.
"Just send me all the jeeps and trucks that you got!" Radar said to the person on the other side of the phone. "You heard me! Send them now, we got wounded." he added before hanging up the phone.
He got up and ran out of the clerk's office. Chris followed him but thankfully didn't interfere as Radar explained his plan to the Colonel. They need space to get everything ready in time.
The next couple of minutes were hectic. Everyone was rushing through the compound.
Trucks and jeeps got put into position while all the operation tables and equipment got hauled outside and made ready in the middle of the compound for a rare outdoor surgical session.
It was a genius idea of Radar to use the headlights from the vehicles to light the area for the O.R this way they could finally see what they were doing. Everything was in full swing as Radar guided more trucks into their right position making sure everything was bright enough.
Hawkeye had his hands busy with the wounded soldier he was trying to save as he watched his son trailing behind Radar from the corner of his eye. He was pleased to see that Chris held his distance even when it was obvious it took the boy a lot of effort. Chris kept fiddling nervously as he followed the hasty clerk around.
It was nearing the boy's bedtime but Hawkeye didn't think he could force Chris to stay in bed. Not when Radar was leaving the next day. It would simply be impossible for Chris to stay put. At least not without punishment and Hawkeye really didn't want to punish Chris today, not when the boy was so hurt already. His best changes were to let the boy stay up and fall asleep on his own. He knew it wouldn't help with the nightmares but for today it seemed like the easiest way to handle it. He waited till Chris walked by and called him over.
Chris knew it was late already and almost jumped when his dad called him over. He didn't want to go to bed but he didn't have a choice. He slowly approached his dad, his eyes wide and filled with desperation. He was hoping his dad would understand and give him what he wanted. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to try. Anything to convince him to let him stay.
Hawkeye looked at the nervous boy and sighed as he said. "Calm down, Kiddo." He gently bumped his shoulder against Chris's. "We both know it's around your bedtime but I'm not sending you to bed. I know you want to stay close so for today you can stay, okay?"
Chris seemed relieved until Hawkeye explained he was only allowed to stay as long as he stayed here. He had arranged for a chair for Chris, hoping that the child would fall asleep soon.
With a defeated sigh, Chris walked over to the chair. It was still better than being sent to bed alone in the dark.
After the O.R session, Hawkeye picked the now sleeping child up. It hadn't taken long for the child to drift off. It has been a long difficult day so far. He was grateful that even at eleven years old the boy was small enough to carry without too much trouble. They had been operating for over ten hours so Hawkeye was glad for the fact that Chris, besides some mumbling, stayed asleep when he tugged him into bed.
He gave the boy a kiss on his head before dropping down on his cot. He managed to remove his shoes but that was all he could do before he fell asleep.
The next morning Hawkeye woke up alone. It didn't surprise him as he woke up late today but it still felt strange. Chris hadn't left him alone for weeks now so it was a bit of a shock.
BJ was still snoring softly on his cot while Charles was on duty. Chris was probably with Radar as it was almost noon already.
He put on his red bathrobe and made his way to the mess hall for some breakfast.
He sat down and sniffed his food, which didn't smell at all like it should as eggs shouldn't smell like cabbage. He was about to take a bite of his breakfast when Colonel Potter suddenly appeared and sat down beside him with a sour expression. He wanted to comment on the man's expression but Potter was quicker and said. "Radar changed his mind."
Hawkeye slammed his fork down and snapped. "What! Has he lost his mind? Off all the stupid things!" He didn't even think about it as he got up and marched over to the clerk's office.
The first thing Hawkeye saw was Chris sitting on Radar's cot, looking happier than he did these last couple of days and Hawkeye instantly regretted what he was about to do but he also couldn't help himself, especially after he saw Radar unpack his stuff again.
"There you are!" Hawkeye snapped. Chris jumped up nervously and walked up to his dad but Radar only looked up and said. "Oh Hi, Hawkeye."
"Don't "Hi, Hawkeye" me." Hawkeye snapped back as he walked up to the clerk. "Go home, you little airhead!"
"Dad!" Chris squeaked in a high nervous voice. He grabbed his dad's bathrobe and tried to pull him back but Hawkeye just ignored him.
Radar gave a sad look and said. "I'm sorry. I'm not gonna do that."
"Why?" Hawkeye barked. "You're Corporal Mahatma Gandhi?" He picked up some of Radar's just unpacked clothes and threw them back into the duffle bag.
"D-Dad" Chris tried again in a soft voice as he tried to pull his dad away from Radar but the man wouldn't budge. Instead his dad swiftly slapped his hand away with a "Shush" and continued yelling at the clerk. "You're gonna out-endure us?"
Hawkeye grabbed another pile of clothes with anger and stuffed them back into the bag.
"That's my unpacking you're packing." Radar snapped back.
"We all wait for that day!" Hawkeye said as he ignored his son who again grabbed his sleeve.
"We dream about it." Hawkeye continued. "We pray for it." He grabbed another pile of clothes and dumped them back. "We'd sacrifice a virgin to it if we could find one."
"Dad!" Chris tried as he pulled on his dad's arm softly. "Radar wants to stay! He doesn't have to go." He looked at his dad with pleading eyes, hoping the man would understand and stop this. This was terrible, his dad seemed so angry while Radar was starting to get angry as well and in the meantime he was being completely ignored.
"Chris be quiet!" Hawkeye snapped harshly.
"Don't yell at him." Radar snapped back. "He's having a rough time as it is!"
"You think I want to yell at him?" Hawkeye yelled as he turned to the clerk. "I wasn't planning on yelling at him! I was planning to yell at you!"
"How dare you!" Radar yelled back. "There's too much around here I gotta do. People need me!"
Hawkeye marched over, dragging Chris with him as the boy refused to let go and pointed an angry finger at the clerk as he screamed. "No, no,no. You're not pulling that tripe on me."
Radar shot him a glare as he threw his clothes out of his bag again, sending them flying all over the room.
Hawkeye sighed in frustration before he started collecting the clothes angrily, throwing them back into the bag as he shouted. "They've been holding wars long before you signed up, and the fun'll continue long after you leave."
His son tried to pull him back so Hawkeye turned to him and hissed. "That's enough Chris." before he turned back to the clerk and said. "Let me put this as gracefully as I can: We don't need you!"
"Papa!" Chris squeaked. "I need him!" as he tried to prevent his dad from any more packing.
"Christopher, I said that's enough." Hawkeye snapped.
Chris immediately let go of his dad but stayed close next to him. He wanted to help his friend but his dad was so angry.
Radar angrily grabbed a bunch of clothes from his bag and snapped. "Ohh yeah? How's your generator? Is Klinger gonna find you one? If things got tough, and you were the one that was leaving, you'd be staying."
"Don't bet on it." Hawkeye yelled back. From the corner of his eye he saw Chris flinched a little at his harsh tone but he was just too angry to control himself. "We'd be out of here so fast, my shorts would have to catch the next plane." Which was true, he had several plans about how to leave Korea when it was his time, or when the war ended. Several options especially regarding Chris, depending on how his mental state was.
"Hey, listen." Radar shouted back. "I've got responsibilities around here just like you."
Hawkeye snatched up a pair of pants from the floor and threw it in the bag as he yelled. "You got responsibilities at home, you jackass!"
Chris let out a nervous hum. He hated that his friend and his dad were fighting, and he didn't understand why his dad was sending Radar away to begin with.
Radar sighed heavily before he stood up straight and said. "Well, how about if I want to make up my own mind?" His voice grew louder the more he spoke. "I'm no kid anymore,you know? I've been around."
Hawkeye threw his arms up and said. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Globetrotter."
"Dad! Radar doesn't want to go" Chris tried again softly while he pulled on the back of the man's robe.
Hawkeye spun around and glared angrily at his kid as he spoke. "He doesn't get to decide if he doesn't want to go or not, he has to go, so he's going."
"B-but…" Chris tried but his dad shook his head and snapped. "Christopher, I said that's enough" He pointed at Radar's bed and said. "Sit down"
Chris shot his dad a pleading look, hoping he'd back off, but his dad just returned a stern gaze, making it clear that he wasn't going to change his mind so Chris reluctantly let go of the bathrobe and moved over to the bed. His dad's voice was full of anger, and Chris knew better than to defy him. He sat down with an angry huff, feeling both angry and powerless. His dad was being completely unreasonable and unfair but he also didn't want to be punished so he did as he was told as angry tears stung in his eyes.
Hawkeye turned towards Radar and continued his rampage. "Mrs. O'Reilly's little boy is a big man now. I guess you've outgrown all that other stuff, huh? Ottumwa, the farm, your mother…"
Radar turned around when Hawkeye mentioned his mother and glared.
"Oh! Your mother!" Hawkeye continued when he saw the look the angry clerk gave him. He knew he hit a nerve by bringing the man's mother into this. "Have you outgrown your responsibility to her?
The clerk looked angrier than Chris ever had seen him. The last time Radar was this furious, Frank had used a little cannon to shoot the bugle the clerk was using and they needed two enlisted personnel to keep the small man from killing the other man who almost shot off his hand.
"Listen!" the clerk yelled. "How I take care of my mom is my business. You said it yourself, Hawkeye. Nobody should tell somebody else how to run their life." He grabbed his duffle bag and turned it upside down and dumped everything in it on the floor.
"FINE!" Hawkeye yelled as he threw his hands up. "Do what you want! But don't come crying to me when your mother can't handle everything on her own." He saw the hurt flash in the clerks eyes and he knew he went a bit too far but he couldn't help himself. Radar was making the biggest mistake of his life. His mother needed him while the army could go on killing each other without the man's help.
He debated a little about taking Chris with him to the Swamp as he felt like he needed to explain this better but he also knew that Chris didn't want to leave Radar alone. He decided to leave the boy there. It was better if he would calm down first.
Back at the Swamp, Hawkeye was nursing a martini and seething with anger when suddenly he heard a loud commotion. He went outside and found out that Klinger had returned with a new generator and the man was welcomed back like he was a hero, which he was. Everyone was ecstatic that their long fight with darkness was finally over. He looked at the crowd and felt a sense of pride and accomplishment. After all, everyone had worked hard to make everything work during the blackout.
He walked over to congratulate Klinger. The man was ecstatic with all the attention he was getting. He saw Chris standing close to Radar and he felt a pang of guilt. He knew that it wasn't easy for the boy seeing him yell at his friend but Chris just didn't understand.
That day at dinner, Radar revealed that he once again changed his mind. Klinger getting that generator really proved to him that this MASH can work things out even if he left.
Chris dropped the fork he was holding and looked at Radar with a heartbroken expression.
Hawkeye put his hand on the boy's shoulder as tears appeared in those blue eyes. "It's okay kiddo." He tried his best to comfort the boy, but Chris started crying anyway. The other officers chimed in with kind words trying to help, but nothing seemed to work. Chris had just started sobbing uncontrollably, so Hawkeye quickly guided the boy back to the Swamp.
He spent the next couple of hours explaining everything to the boy, even though Chris didn't understand. He told him that no matter what happened, he had nothing to fear, and that he was safe. Hawkeye put his arm around the boy's shoulders and held him tight, trying to pass on the warmth and comfort he needed. He had tried to put Chris in bed at his normal bedtime but the boy started crying again so he had no choice but to wait. This lasted for about an hour until Chris fell asleep on his own.
Hawkeye sighed and carried the boy to bed. It was heartbreaking to see Chris break down, which happened way too often for his liking.
The next day wasn't really better. Chris was white as a sheet and even though he finally stopped crying, he was nervously fiddling all the time.
Francis tried to cheer him up by asking for help with the decorations of Radar's goodbye party and to their surprise he agreed. He wasn't clinging to Radar today but Hawkeye wasn't really sure if that was a good sign or a bad one. Instead Chris looked like the living dead walking around in a nervous, skittish way.
Chris went through the day without really realizing what happened around him. He was angry at his dad but also just so scared. He wanted nothing more than to stay close to his friend but it was also painful to do so and besides that he also wanted to help Francis. He felt that Radar deserved a nice goodbye party, even if Chris didn't want him to go.
Francis was being really nice to him, talking about all the fun stuff they could do together, trying to cheer him up but he couldn't force himself to care. He was going to miss his friend and there wasn't anything or anyone that could help.
He thought about doing something, hiding some of Radar's stuff or even sabotaging the chopper or jeep but he knew Radar wanted to go home and he hadn't had a clue about how to stop a chopper from flying and besides, his dad would be furious if he tried something.
There just wasn't anything he could do and he hated it. Even cutting the little men out of toilet paper wasn't as fun as it used to be. It just felt dreadful. He started to cry a little when he was painting Radar's goodbye sign and his tears smudged some of the paint but he quickly painted over it and tried to stop his sniffling. Klinger had also asked if he wanted to help bake the goodbye cake but he'd refused. He didn't want to mess up the cake by crying or sniffing.
After making the decorations they went over to the mess hall. Hawkeye's heart broke a little when he looked at his sad son. The boy looked pale aside of his red eyes and it looked like he could burst out in tears when Francis and BJ hung up the big banner.
Hawkeye put a comforting hand on the red-eyed boy's shoulder and noticed Chris was trembling. He felt the rapid short breaths the boy took and it seemed Chris was fighting against some sort of panic. He wished he could help but this was something Chirs had to do on his own.
"Are you okay?" Hawkeye asked softly as Chris quickly nodded. "Are you ready to get Radar for his party?"
Chris looked up at him with tears in his eyes but nodded once again so Hawkeye patted his shoulder as he guided the boy outside. He could see the difficulty in the boy's face and he wished that Chris could understand that this was a good thing instead of something as dramatic as Chris was making it out to be.
They entered the clerk's office and Chris let out a small sob at the sight of Radar dressed up in his official army clothes. He just couldn't help it, Radar looked ready to leave and it was breaking his heart.
"Aww Chris, please don't cry. It's difficult enough to say goodbye as it is." Radar said as the boy came closer.
Chris sniffed and wiped the tears away. He tried not to cry but it was hard as he looked at his best friend. It was painful and it reminded him of the fact that everyone left him sooner or later, Radar just proved no exception.
Hawkeye didn't say anything, he just walked over to the intercom with a grin, grabbed the microphone and said. "Attention out there. Would Corporal Radar O'Reilly please report to his going-away party? Bye-Bye. Buy bonds."
Chris let out a small nervous sob, he couldn't help himself anymore and flung himself against his friend.
Radar was feeling sad as he ran his fingers through the boy's hair. He was looking down at the child with affection. He remembered all the times they had spent together, and all the amazing memories they had shared. Chris had been like a little brother during these difficult times, something to break the bloody routine of dying people and bombs, something normal and nice. He had loved being a bigger brother and he was sad to lose that feeling.
Hawkeye put the microphone back and turned towards the clerk. "Come on. Will you hurry up? You gotta leave in a few hours." He said as he helped the clerk with his suitcase.
Radar lifted the duffle bag over his shoulder, careful not to hit Chris who was still clinging to him and said. "Oh, Hawkeye. Listen. Before we're together with everybody, I just wanted to…"
"No. No." Hawkeye interrupted him. "Not until I've had a couple of bowls of punch." He cleared his throat nervously, his emotions getting to him for a second before he manned up.
"That way, I can cry and forget at the same time." He said sadly, he would miss the clerk as well. The young man had become a good friend over the past years. God knows he was the reason everything went so smoothly most of the time around the 4077th and Hawkeye knew he would also need some time to get over the loss.
The moment Hawkeye stepped out the door he heard them. Choppers, and by the sound of it a lot of them.
"Oh,no Hawkeye!" Radar said as he removed Chris's arms. Thankfully Chris didn't fight it and followed Radar outside.
"I hear them." Hawkeye replied in a sad tone. This meant no goodbye party. This party was important to everyone who would miss Radar, not to mention an opportunity for Chris to accept Radar's leaving and maybe find some peace with it, but now.
Radar stood next to him as they both looked at the direction the sound was coming from, they would be here any second.
Chris was sniffing softly, he was scared. Almost in a complete panic, the last small feeling of some kind of control had left. Everything was crumbling down and he felt lost. He silently took Radar's sleeve.
"Radar." Hawkeye started as he turned towards his friend. "There may not be time for…"
"I'll find ya, Hawkeye" Radar said quickly.
Hawkeye nodded sadly and quickly gave his son a kiss on his head before he turned and ran towards triage.
Radar just stood there for a while after the doctor left. A small sniff reminded him of the small boy next to him. He put his arm around the child. Chris felt a bit weird. He was sniffling still and stopped crying but he was trembling like crazy and so pale. He wanted to be there for him, to protect him as a big brother should but he had no choice, he was saying goodbye.
Radar was filled with sadness and an aching feeling of loss, knowing that he may never see anyone of the 4077th again.
The Colonel walked up and put a hand on his shoulder. The strong commander meant a lot to him. He had been a rock and a father figure.
"Well, son." Colonel Potter started with glossy eyes. "I guess we can take it from here."
All around them, people were running and yelling, making every effort to complete triage as quickly as possible.
Chris felt numb now that Radar's leaving was so close. He couldn't even hear the words the colonel spoke. It sounded like gibberish, but maybe he just didn't want to hear it. He was hurt that everyone wasn't as upset as him. It made him feel crazy or weak but he just didn't understand.
He quickly let go of Radar's sleeve as the colonel developed the clerk in a tight hug. The older man had tears in his eyes which made him feel sad but a bit relieved as well. He at least wasn't the only one upset.
After the colonel left to continue his work, several other personnel came over to quickly say their goodbyes. Margaret yelled from a distance and blew him a kiss while Klinger came over for a hug.
Francis shook the clerk's hand and blessed him, even Charles gave him a hand to say goodbye.
BJ walked up and told the clerk that his wife and daughter were waiting for him at San Francisco Airport. Peg and Erin will meet him there and help him with getting home. BJ clapped Radar on his back before he gave him a kiss on each cheek.
"One for Peggy and one for Erin," BJ said with a big smile.
Radar returned his smile and said. I'll try to remember which one is which."
After everyone said their goodbye, Radar and Chris were left all alone. Radar also seemed a bit out of it or just really deep in thought as they walked through the empty compound towards the mess hall.
The first thing they saw was the big banner above the door with "We love you Radar" in big red letters with small hearts and flowers around it. There was a smaller banner with the line "Good luck Radar" at the other side of the tent and several paper strings and decorations. It would have looked festive if they weren't all alone.
It had been painful for Chris to help with it, but he wanted Radar to know how much he meant to everyone.
Radar took a small piece of the cake they made and grimaced, it wasn't very good but he appreciated that they went through all that trouble just for him.
They slowly walked over to the O.R. Radar had no trouble looking through the window, while Chris always had to stand on his toes. He didn't know who the clerk was looking at as he waved softly but he thought it could be his dad.
Chris jumped a little at the honking of the jeep that had arrived to take Radar away. Radar sighed and pulled himself away from the little window. He would miss everyone so much. He picked up his suitcase and his duffle bag and went outside.
He greeted the soldier who drove the jeep and dropped his stuff in the back.
A small trembling hand took his sleeve and he turned towards the small boy. Chris was standing there and he could see the pain in his eyes. He had to be strong for him, to let him know that he would be okay. He wanted to tell Chris that everything was going to be alright, and that he would always be there for him, but the words felt so hollow.
He embraced Chris in a hug that he hoped would be strong enough to keep the sadness at bay for a while. "I'm sorry I have to leave." He mumbled.
Chris let out a small sob and mumbled. "Me too."
"I promise to write." Radar added as he gently removed the boy's arms from around him.
Chris felt numb as his arms were removed and Radar petted his head one last time.
"I promise." Radar said again as he stepped into the jeep.
The boy nodded but didn't look any better than he already did.
Radar told the driver to drive and, just like that, he drove off. Drove away from years of work, years of building friendships, saving people and Chris. Drove away from someone that had needed him, someone who made him feel important and now, with the turn of the ignition, all of that was gone.
Chris just stood there as his friend drove away. He watched till the jeep disappeared out of view. He didn't know what to do. His emotions were racing, from hurt to angry to sad. He wanted to follow and he also wanted to stay. He didn't cry, he was too panicked to cry, too panicked to even think straight. His panic took over and told him one thing. One word. And that word was: Hide.