CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE VOICE OF IRISES
Disclaimer: References to "Lucky" and "Evita" are intended for entertainment only. I am not making any profit from the references. All rights to "Lucky" and its lyrics belong to Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillet, Tim James Fagan, Bluewater Music Corp., Goo-Eyed Music, HIPGNOSIS SONGS GROUP, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, and Warner Chappell Music, Inc. All rights to "Evita" and its libretto belong to Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and the Really Useful Group, Ltd.
PRESENT DAY
Nabiki overslept.
By the time she awoke, the sun had already vanished, and a large, unusually blue moon loomed low in the early night sky. Cursing to herself, she knew she had no hope of reaching the summit by sunrise now. She would have to wait another day. With nothing else to do, she threw on her royal blue hiking jacket and made her way out to stretch her legs.
The mountain huts at the 5th station encircled a central clearing with a large stone hearth. By the hearth were rocks on which people could sit and chat while availing themselves of the bonfire's light and warmth. A few hikers sat listening as a young man sang something in English while strumming on a guitar.
Nabiki recognised the song. It was an old Jason Mraz love ballad that talked about a pair of best friends, lucky enough to be in love with one another, to have been where they have been, and to come home again together. She had actually been quite fond of the tune in her Todai days. The words reminded her of one of Ranma's old stories, the one that had humbled Nabiki about her own human fallibility, both as an artist and as a woman. The story was about a ronin and a widow who falls in love a second time (1). Nabiki had been skeptical when he first ran the idea by her, but it had ended up becoming his first major success.
She made her way over to one of the rocks and sat down to listen, making sure that her wedding band could clearly be seen in the glow of the fire light. As she did so, a cool evening breeze fluttered gently against her face, seeming to fill the air around her with the familiar scents of fresh pine and cedar. She knew that her imagination was playing tricks with her, but she understood. The message was the same as it had been that night in Setagaya when she had finally felt safe enough to begin letting go of her secrets.
Don't go. Please….
# # # # #
NINE YEARS AGO
"Don't go. Please."
Nabiki barely recognized the voice that said those words — especially since it was her own. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that she would ever be in such a position. Things were not supposed to work this way. Other people were supposed to be calling after her. Yet, here she was standing before Ranma telling him those words.
They had gotten into a fight, probably their worst ever. She still had not told him about Akane nor given him much of the other details beforehand. However, she had not been lying about the busy shit show that her life really had become.
Between talking to her sister each night, her own studies, the weekend job at Suntory Hall, running as often as she could to the Komei School, and keeping up with the wealth distribution projects that she needed to sustain her agendas, Nabiki had to fight with everything she had to keep her head above water. Currently, she was also in the middle of her year-end finals.
Yet, despite the crazy multivariable calculus that had overtaken her life, Nabiki had managed so far to take the first position in her class and by a very healthy margin. Internship offers for the following year had been coming in like water. The jealous eyes she could feel on her in the law school's halls thrilled her to no end.
She intended to crush her finals at all cost to keep things this way. She was so close now. The last one would take place tomorrow morning. The girl who had once lost her voice, been laughed at and forsaken by everyone for being so weak and helpless, was finally having the chance she deserved to rewrite things as they should be. She had worked too hard, been through too much, for it to be any other way.
Still, something had to give. The world remained too full of people eager to see you fall so that they could take your place. All of those fucking uncaring "have-alls" again. The more she achieved and earned for herself, the more vigilant she would have to be. She could take no chances. Every idle moment and every inefficiency she could eliminate in her day mattered. She could only dream of how much more she could achieve if only she did not need to eat or sleep. Biology was just fucking annoying at times.
She truly thought that Ranma would understand. His own schedule nowadays had become quite busy too. He had his own classes at Asagaya and had been taking on an increasing number of free-lance projects on the side for experience and exposure. He was continuing to teach martial arts part-time several evenings each week.
He also still lived at home with his parents in Setagaya, which was considerably farther from Ueno than Meguro and Komaba had been. Occasionally, they met up when she finished her afternoons at the Komei School, but they both understood that Nabiki should not come around the Saotome home. The discovery of their relationship would likely inspire the parents to do something stupid like revive the Tendou-Saotome agreement. Nabiki also knew that their parents getting wind of them would inevitably translate into her younger sister finding out too. Both Akane and she just had far too much to each deal with right now for that.
As a result, nearly three weeks had gone by since she and Ranma had last seen one another. He called that morning asking if he could come by in the afternoon. Today was Sunday. He wanted to run an idea for one his projects by her.
A short break would probably be good for her. Besides, she missed him, though she would never admit so aloud. She inserted a generous half hour slot for him in her scheduler. It was far more than anything she had granted herself in nearly the last two months.
Ranma had drafted a story about a down-on-his-luck ronin about their age. The guy is a sincere and well-meaning person, but hopelessly unlucky in everything he tries. He falls in love with a young and beautiful widow with a fiery temper and strong, opinionated views.
The girl is still grieving the sudden, unexpected loss of her husband. To give her a sense of purpose and help her back onto her feet, her well-meaning father-in-law conscripts her to manage one of his rental properties in a fictional Tokyo neighborhood called Tokeizaka — Clock Hill. The boarding house the widow takes over is where she and the ronin meet. She comes to eventually like the guy too. However, she feels guilty about falling in love a second time.
Between the guy's "have-not" haplessness and the girl's brooding inner struggles between fidelity to her dead first-love, her desire to live, and the dictates of society, the characters resonated with Nabiki. She actually loved the idea. The setup had incredible plot and character development potential.
However, she demurred on admitting this to Ranma. Doing the characters justice would be extremely challenging. As full and remarkable as his life had been to date, she doubted he possessed the depth and breadth of life experiences to execute this story in a compelling and believable manner. If this were what he entered in the Asagaya contest, he would likely fall flat on his face out the gate. The opportunity would be wasted. His talents would be wholly unappreciated.
Of course, she was sorry to sound harsh, but not really. Better to hear it now from her than one of his instructors or even the actual contest judges. No one else would look out for his interest as she did. Just as Sherwood Anderson told Faulkner to write stories about what he knew, she now told Ranma the same.
Ranma, however, did not seem discouraged at all by her brutal honesty. In fact, he seemed to want all the more to pursue the project because of her pessimism. How annoyingly typical off him. Everything would be so much better if people could just give in to reality and stop fighting against their own obvious self interests.
"You think this is funny," she confronted him testily. "The ronin part I'll give you. Exactly what basis of inspiration do you think you have though for the widow?"
"I ain't lackin' for inspiration," he replied. The smug defiance in his tone as he stuck his face up in Nabiki's and bore his eyes into her grated on her nerves. She became even angrier as his meaning sunk in.
"Really," she snarled dangerously. "Some free advice for you. I'm all for whatever it takes to win as much as you are. You might want to rethink though the idea of trying to create a parody of your girlfriend's cross temperament to do so."
"It ain't no parody, and I ain't makin' fun o' ya. Nabiki, I — "
"I'm not your fucking widow!" she roared.
Deliberately, she knocked against his shoulder with her own as she leaned forward and stood. For good measure, she made sure he saw her studying her watch, and turned her back to him to leave no doubt of her displeasure. At this point, she could care less. She had already spent enough time with him on this fucking dead end of a conversation.
"Nabiki, seriously, can we talk — ?"
"I've got to head back and get more studying in. I have an exam in the morning."
That was when he said it. In her angry, sleep-deprived state, Nabiki wondered if she had heard him correctly. She had to ask him to repeat himself.
"This ain't workin'."
"What? What's not working?"
"Us."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"I ain't as dumb as ya seem ta think. Maybe this whole thing about the widow 'n ronin is just proxy shit, but ya really are actin' like some widow with some secret. We see each other maybe once or twice a month. When we do, yer always angry and in a hurry. Other than that, I could easily get more emotion out of a stone wall than you."
"That's not true. I told you that things have just been busy for me lately. I've counted on you to understand."
"Bullshit, Nabiki. I've seen ya busy 'fore. This is somethin' else. Ya got somethin' eatin' away at ya, somethin' ya don't wanna tell me. Ya changed."
"I haven't. I've just worked too hard to lose what I have now."
She was so close. In a week, classes would adjourn for Spring recess, and she could breathe a little again — maybe.
"Fuck, Nabiki, come on! On yer mother's grave, ya promised me over chicken that night in Komaba that ya ain't ever actually been dishonest with me. I know ya ain't always told me everythin' ya know, but since we started bein' together, I realized what ya said's true. Ya ain't ever lied ta me before. Not like the way ya just straight up did ta my face just now."
"Ranma — "
"Cut the shit, Nabiki. I… I can deal with us not workin', but I can't deal with lies. Who is he?"
"W-what..?! You're being silly!" she replied hotly. The audacity of his accusation threw her off guard. She was already dying inside as it was and now this…?! He was the only person she had ever dared to let in after her Mom died and he wanted to talk to her like this…?! And in the middle of her finals too?! How … how dare he!
"Is he someone in yer class or that concert hall yer workin' at?"
"Ranma! There's —
"WHO IS HE?!"
"FUCK YOU! FOR EVEN THINKING I'M THAT KIND OF GIRL! THERE'S NO ONE ELSE!"
Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!
The wraith-like shadows from her nightmares swarmed her again now. Countless numbers of them assembled around her in that ever-shrinking menacing circle. All the fucking assholes of the world she had ever known, the ones who had turned on her when she lost her voice.
Looking down on her.
Pitying her.
Laughing at her.
Thinking she was crazy.
Now, they were here staring at her — naked and empty-handed under that large, ominous blood-red moon. They thought they had won, having found the right Trojan horse to slip past her defenses, convincing her that there could really be another person aside from Akane and her Mom who could understand or care about her and her happiness.
Mom…!
Sors immanis et inanis….
Nabiki could see everything so clearly now. He wanted, just like every other asshole in the world, to see her stumble and fail. She refused to go down without a fight, would tear into him with everything she had.
Her exams.
Remaining strong enough to hold on to her sanity at the razor's edge of madness.
Saving Akane. Enduring the numb horror of night after night of calls listening to her sister's twisted fears and doubts about her self. Pushing her sister to keep up with therapy sessions which, at least on the surface, seemed to not really be leading anywhere.
Fuck him for making such a complete and utter fool out of Nabiki Tendou — weak, blinded, ambushed and betrayed by the feelings she had been tricked into having. He had hurt her. She would make him pay.
"You are the liar! You told me you wanted me to be happy, all that shit you said about having that be the story on my face! If you really meant that, you would give me the time and space I need to just get my shit done without doubting my feelings! You just want a front row seat to the vanity show where stupid, weak, and helpless Nabiki Tendou loses everything!"
Vana salus, semper dissolubilis….
Dimly, her mind registered that he looked a little white in the face, as if stricken by a ghost. If so, good! No one could deceive her — hurt her like this — and get away with it. Not any of those twat-minded little snot fuckers in her law class now, or the even sorrier ones in her junior high class, her fucking worthless shit of a fossil a father or even her dim-witted older sister. Not even Ranma Saotome.
She had a name and a voice, indomitable and resolute in its fearsome roar as it cut unapologetically in the darkness, proclaiming the birthright of destined exceptionalism everyone and everything had been trying to deny her her whole life. Fuck who ever dared to compete with Nabiki Tendou, had to audacity to think they could take her and her causes down. She would have her revenge on the whole world, always with the final laugh in the end, destined to win and prevail in her way.
But fuck! She was out of control again, too hot and rabid all over to stop from crashing once more into the dam's breaking point. The heated red of hate and blood threatened to drown out her vision. The bizarre, infernal incantation of Hell's angels echoed yet again in the darkness descending upon her mind.
"Nabiki…!"
Oh shit.
Ranma was still there. He had truly broken past her defenses, the Trojan horse who had seen and heard everything. All of her naked secrets had been laid bare in the garish, Goddamned light of day.
Sors immanis et inanis,
Rota tu volubilis, status malus
Vana salus,
Semper dissolubilis
Obumbrata et velata,
Michi quoque niteris…!
She wanted to him to leave, not to see her like this.
However, before she could form the words, she felt the hot pinprick touch of two fingers jab against the side of her neck. Immediately after, a curtain of hushed, overwhelming darkness began to descend all around her. She tried to fight back with all her will, but her efforts were futile, pointless.
A sleep pressure point, she realized, but she was already too late. How dare he…!
FUCK!
# # # # #
"Hey, Heathen! Wake up. It's already almost noon!"
FUCK!
Nabiki bolted upright in a panic, registering in horror that she was still in bed and in pajamas. Her exam had been scheduled to start at half ten. She could not decide between screaming and crying. She was going to lose everything, probably already had. Her skin started to burn at the prospect of her humiliation. Everyone would be laughing about Nabiki Tendou's fall from first to last because of how weak and stupid she had been to oversleep.
In fact, the vanity show had already started. Kozue stood idly in the doorway giggling to herself, watching as Nabiki frantically tried to shed her pajamas while simultaneously throwing the bits and pieces of her laptop into her satchel and struggling to pull some day clothes out of her wardrobe.
"Shut up and help me, or get out of here!" she screamed at her roommate. "Fucking exam started over an hour ago!"
"Relax!" Kozue replied, laughing harder now as she invited herself to saunter over and sit in Nabiki's desk chair. "Everything's already been taken cared of for you."
"W-what…?"
Kozue could no longer manage words through her laughter. Wordlessly, she pointed past Nabiki back at the nightstand. By the reading lamp sat a vase of purple irises and a note in a sealed envelope. Nabiki's name could clearly be seen scrawled out in Ranma's characteristic chicken scratch writing.
"Oh fuck…." Nabiki muttered to herself as memories of their argument the day before crashed down on her.
I won't be your fucking widow!
You ain't ever lied to me before. Who is he…?
All of the secrets too that she had spilled in her word salad of rage. Her exams. The fight to hold on to her sanity at the razor's edge of madness. Saving Akane. Losing her voice. The hateful memories of everyone's pity and laughter. Fucking Trojan horse who had slipped in to laugh at her too, break her heart from the inside out, knocked her out with the shiatsu shit when she had become too annoying for him. Oh she was so not done with him…. Ranma Saotome was a fucking walking dead man!
"That… that asshole!"
"Really? You mean the one that brought you home last night and called over his doctor friend to check you out and write up that medical excuse for your exams."
"W-what…?"
Shit. Tofu, the family physician, would be the only doctor Ranma could have called under the circumstances. Even if Ranma said nothing, Tofu would put the pieces together. If Kasumi found out, then so would Akane, but then he had come as a physician. Hopefully the law and the ethics of his profession would really keep him quiet.
Another horrifying thought occurred to Nabiki as she looked down at her half-naked body now. The scar over her left breast started to burn just under her bra cup as she felt herself turn beet red with livid mortification. She had to know though. She would definitely murder Ranma if it were true.
"Kozue. Who changed me last night?"
"Oh. That."
"That…?!"
After a moment, Kozue's poker face dissolved again into another round of laughter at her friend's expense. "Kiki, my dear, dear Heathen, I thought you'd know better! Your 'asshole' was a complete gentleman — unlike me. You really do have a nice body, you know. Care to model again for me some time?"
"Kozue…."
"Oh, those irises too that you're looking at right now? Your 'asshole' was also the one that dropped by this morning with those. Right after he ran your medical note over to the law school for you."
"I… I…." There was something else Nabiki had to know. She fought hard to steady her voice and get the words out, but could not despite herself.
"Right," Kozue drawled, picking on Nabiki's thoughts. "Don't worry either about what I might or might not know. Like I said, your 'asshole' really is a gentleman. I love you dearly, but your little lovers' quarrel is your business and no one else's."
"I… Thank you."
"You're welcome. I'll leave you to read your little love letter and smell your flowers. It's just too bad he's an only child. He's got such a nice body too. I should probably also ask him to model for me — "
"KOZUE!"
"Fine fine! Geez, Kiki, you used to have such a great sense of humor. Ja ne!"
# # # # #
Today was Sunday again. The rest of the previous week had gone by in a blur. She was finished with her exams now, including the one from Monday that she had to make up. None of them had been as hard as she had anticipated, which was fortunate since concentrating on studying had been very difficult after her fight with Ranma. In the end, her class standing had never really been in danger.
Aside from Ranma and her exams, the only other thing Nabiki remembered was continuing to pick up Akane's calls and listening night after night. Each time, Nabiki did her best to keep a stiff upper lip and remain the resolute pillar of confidence and assurance her sister so desperately needed. Of course, the whole thing was a lie, but it was also all that Nabiki could give her sister.
The heat of her rage had cooled, replaced by anxious, agitated longing, regret, and even fear. She did not like the way he had touched her and knocked her out, but she could not deny that things really had become quite dangerous and untenable for her at the end. She had not felt anywhere near this stupid or vulnerable since her mother died. She had to talk to him. The words from the chicken scratch note that had accompanied the irises kept echoing in her head. Without them, she doubted she would have had the courage to come here today to Setagaya.
I'm not laughing at you, and I don't look down on you.
I don't want to fight. I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have gotten in your way. Good luck with your exams. If you want to talk after, I'm here.
— Ranma
Nabiki sighed and turned her attention to the impeccable illusion of the beautiful woman gazing up at her from the puddle of rainwater at her feet. The stranger had on the two-part fit-and-flare midi with the black, long-sleeved turtleneck top and the turquoise floral-print A-line silk skirt with white, pink, and violet orchids that Kozue had gifted her for modeling her smirk. That dress was still the finest one that Nabiki owned. She still had the shawl too, its brilliant, bold, flaming strokes of crimson, royal blue, yellow, and orange splashed across the silk gleaming tastefully in the early April afternoon sun. Her face, with its soft, flawless complexion and brushed up with the lightest hint of makeup, possessed the sublime serenity of a porcelain doll.
Nabiki had no idea who this woman was. Still, if today would be the last time she would see Ranma, she did not want his final memory of her to be that of a monster or lunatic. She could not help thinking of the words to "Salve Regina," Tito's bitter satirical soliloquy from "Evita" about Eva Peron and all of the ruin and misery she leaves behind at the end of her life.
Salve regina mater misericordiae
Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
Salve salve regina
Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
O clemens o pia
Hail, queen mother of mercy
Life is sweet and our hope
Hail, hail to the queen
We cry out to you, exiled children of Eve
We sigh and cry out for you
Oh mercy, oh devotion….,
Oh what a circus.
Oh what a show.
Indeed, what a circus, what a show. Blinded by fear and anger, Nabiki had overlooked the most important thing said between them that day, probably the only thing that actually mattered.
This ain't workin' — us.
She really had been caught off guard by those words. He was the one part of her life which she thought had been more right than anything else. In retrospect, however, she saw his point.
We see each other maybe once or twice a month. When we do, yer always angry and in a hurry. Other than that, I could easily get more emotion out of a stone wall than you.
She had made too many assumptions and never explained anything. He had been abandoned to fill in the void shadows of her secrets with his own imagination. Honestly, she too probably would have grown suspicious and imagined the worse if she were in his position. Perhaps, this was one of the things her mother had in mind about people when she had warned Nabiki not to get caught living in the shadows between worlds.
Of course, Nabiki had reasons for keeping her thoughts and feelings to herself. She only had to recall the way she had lost control earlier this week and that day by the canal in Naka-Meguro to remember why. All the more, maybe she owed him an apology.
Regardless, most of her shit was out in the open between them now. She could not remember exactly what and how much she had spewed in her word salad. As someone with a photographic memory, she found that fact extremely disconcerting. She knew, however, that she had said at least something about everything, cryptic as some things may have been.
Still, dirty and messed up as she knew she was and even though she remained bothered by how he had touched her, she hoped he could still find it in himself to like her. Returning to that old abyss of loneliness preceding that first day in Suginami or even Christmas Eve when he had carried her home, shared fried chicken and canned beers with her, really talked with her for the first time — the thought made her sick to her stomach. Even her life before that day so many years ago now when Ranma-chan had first shown up with her panda-ized father at the Tendou's front door was not a time or place of which she could conceive of ever epochal revelations of that first morning in Suginami and the first time they had kissed that night at the gym in Ueno had all been true, irrevocable, and undeniable.
Don't go. Please….
That was the message she had come here to Setagaya to give him. Beyond want or need, for better or worse, a part of him had become a part of her now too. Most likely, however, he just thought her crazy now. Thinking back on their current fight, even she had started to wonder if maybe she really was.
I'm not laughing at you, and I don't look down on you….
Ha! How could he not! If she were him, she doubted even she could forgive or overlook her own behavior. But he had also touched her that way. Maybe the right thing to do would be to….
"Yo, Nabiki."
She gasped, startled as Ranma landed from a leap in front of her and rose with his usual grace to his full height. The solemn beauty of her reflection dissolved as he did so. Fortunately, the water he had splashed with his impact was not enough to trigger the curse. For a moment, the realization brought a small smile before she remembered herself and hurriedly schooled her features back into solemn neutrality.
"Ranma, I…. I'm sorry for the way I behaved. I'm… I know that I'm messed up, and I hear you. If you think we're not working, then you're right. But don't go. Please. Not yet."
"Nabiki — "
"I'll explain things. I promise. But before we talk about anything else, I need you to swear on your honor that you'll never touch me like that again."
To leave no doubt of her meaning, she raised her hand to the spot where he had touched her. She herself winced as she saw the unspoken anguish of guilt and shame flash across his suddenly ashen face. Yes, she expected that. All the same, she felt relieved that she could. For now, she had from him what she needed to continue.
"I just… I can't have my voice taken away from me like that. Never again."
# # # # #
CHAPTER NOTES
(1) Yes, these are references to "Maison Ikkoku," another series created by Rumiko Takahashi. As a disclaimer, I do not own Maison Ikkoku or any of the related characters. The Maison Ikkoku series was both created by Rumiko Takahashi and is owned by Shogakukan and Viz Video. This fanfiction is intended for entertainment only. I am not making any profit from this story. All rights to the original Maison Ikkoku stories belong to Rumiko Takahashi.