XXX

Unfortunately, being handed the realization that he was potentially-traumatized didn't really fix the trauma or anything, partly because Shen Qingqiu was rather hesitant to bring it up, especially to his husband. If he told Luo Binghe that he was traumatized, he would have to cut out anything relating to him because it would 100% make him cry, and he didn't really want that to happen. And unfortunately, the fact that he had spent quite a while completely terrified of his former disciple (and the original version of him) made it so his husband wasn't entirely disconnected from that suspected trauma. He was similarly worried about accidentally letting anything slip about Shen Jiu's memories around Yue Qingyuan, because even though they weren't actually his memories, Yue Qingyuan didn't know that (and neither did he himself sometimes). Liu Qingge was, perhaps, the least of his worries on that front, but he also wouldn't really be able to help him with it. He couldn't help imagining that, after spilling his heart out in an embarrassing fashion, Liu Qingge would just reply with something along the lines of 'so what?'. Perhaps he should give the man more credit, but really, he very rarely solved a problem in any way other than beating something up. Matters of the mind weren't exactly his forte. And he'd already talked to Airplane about it, and though he was the one to point out what could be happening, he wasn't very useful otherwise. He wasn't exactly comforting, nor did he actually have much of an idea of how to help beyond just letting Shen Qingqiu vent. Which could help a little, but really, he probably needed a little more professional help at this point.

The obvious answer would be to talk to Mu Qingfang about it, but even still, he found himself hesitating. He could cut out all the stuff about feeling about being in someone else's body, especially if Airplane had been right that it might not even be the main issue anymore, but that would still mean he had to talk about everything else, and…

He kind of didn't want to do that.

Surprise, surprise, talking about trauma is actually kind of difficult! And considering he'd spent so many years now acting aloof and keeping his true thoughts hidden 90% of the time, was it really any wonder that he'd have such a hard time speaking openly now? Openness wasn't exactly Shen Qingqiu's style (either him or the original). Even being more expressive and such since being with Luo Binghe, he still didn't really express most of his thoughts. Half of the things he thought would make him sound like a different person if he actually voiced them (because he was!).

So he didn't know what to do. People would talk to him and ask him what was wrong, and he'd try to open his mouth and explain it, but most of the time, he'd find himself at a loss on what to say and eventually land on an unhelpful 'I don't know'.

He wasn't getting any better. If anything, he was just getting worse. Mu Qingfang was giving him special teas to calm his nerves, Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge would stop by to talk and inform him of what was going on, and Shang Qinghua would stop by to talk about their original world in the hopes that it might bring him some nostalgic comfort (it didn't). And pretty much all the time, Luo Binghe was there at his side, jumping to do anything he could think of to help.

None of it did much, even though he truly did appreciate all of it.

Shen Qingqiu couldn't help feeling like he was the problem here. He was the one who was messed up, and nothing was working, and he was wasting everyone's time and attention, and really, they all had much more important things to be doing than helping him figure out whether he was dreaming or not and watching him stare at nothing. He especially felt bad for Luo Binghe, because at least the others were able to leave and do other things. His husband, meanwhile, was practically bound to his side from the worry.

Even now, Luo Binghe was trying to help him get through a panic attack, which was another newer development that he wasn't exactly thrilled about.

"It's okay, Shizun. Just breathe."

He was trying. He was doing a poor job of it.

His chest ached with a tight squeeze that made it feel impossible to fill his lungs. And yet, he was hyperventilating, so he clearly was breathing even if it didn't feel like it. He made a choking noise as he clung tighter to the front of Luo Binghe's robes. His body was shaking, and his thoughts were racing by too quickly for him to make much sense of them.

This time, he'd had a nightmare about that punishment the System gave him, when the other Luo Binghe tore off his legs. Upon waking up and seeing his husband in their bed, his first instinct had been to get as far away as possible from him, which led to a midnight chase through the bamboo until Shen Qingqiu eventually tripped and Luo Binghe caught up with him. A few gentle reassurances (barely heard at first) had eventually done enough to remind him that his Luo Binghe was not the same as the one who did that to him, but it wasn't enough to stop the panic from overtaking him. So now, here they were in the almost pitch-black night somewhere in the bamboo forest while Shen Qingqiu desperately clung to the reminder that he was safe with his husband, no matter how much his mind sometimes tried to convince him otherwise.

He could feel Luo Binghe start to rock him, humming a song that Shen Qingqiu didn't recognize. It didn't matter, as he clung to it just as tightly as he clung to the man's robes.

A shudder ran through him as he remembered that the other Luo Binghe was just as real as the one in front of him, merely kept at bay ever since the last time they'd crossed paths. But what if he found some other way to come back to their universe? He could still remember the pain of having his limbs torn off, even if he still had them. The System hadn't given him any break when it came to the agony of one of his worst nightmares coming true.

"Binghe…," he gasped pitifully, like he was trying to beg for something even though he wasn't quite sure what it was.

His husband stopped his humming so he could reply:

"I'm here. I'm right here, Shizun. I'm not going anywhere, and you're going to be okay. It's okay."

There was a wobble in his voice, and distantly, Shen Qingqiu was aware that Luo Binghe was crying as well.

By the time he'd calmed down enough to finally let go of the the other man's soiled robes, the sun was already starting to rise.

XXX

Luo Binghe had needed to leave again, and though he promised to be back before nightfall, he still didn't want to leave his Shizun alone that long. Shen Qingqiu was supposed to spend the day with one of the other peak lords, as much as Luo Binghe hated to trust them with his husband's care, but Shen Qingqiu just found himself simply not doing it. Luo Binghe had asked his husband if he wanted him to join him on the walk to one of the other peaks before he left, but Shen Qingqiu had declined, claiming that he was well enough to do it himself.

That was a bit of a lie, though. Or, an outright lie, actually. Today, he felt detached but he was able to move and interact. Everything felt fake and wrong, but he was able to do enough to make a convincing argument that he wasn't too bad, considering that he really wasn't in relative terms to many other days now.

Even still, he found himself choosing to not leave the bamboo house. The other peak lords were busy (and really, he should be busy, too, except he wasn't doing most of his duties as the peak lord anymore), and there was no reason for him to bother them. He was a grown man- he could sit around and wait for his husband for a few hours without needing a babysitter.

And besides, although he could still move, his feet felt rather unwilling to do much. His hands were a bit more free with their movement, though, so he could at least do some paperwork.

His paperwork, however, quickly proved to be incredibly boring, and considering the fact that he hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep in a very long time, Shen Qingqiu ended up dozing on top of his papers.

And of course, he had yet another nightmare:

He was standing in the middle of a crumbling landscape, broken sky scrapers mixing with the burning remains of bamboo. The mountain path was littered with wrappers and debris, cigarette butts rolling from the wind.

He started walking, the streets beneath his feet shifting into a green meadow. He could hear his sister's laughter. He was sitting at a table with her beside him.

"Shizun, did you hear?" Ning Yingying asked him.

"Hm?"

"Shizun, did you hear?" Luo Binghe repeated.

"What is it?"

He felt a tight grip on his arm, claws digging into it as he was plunged beneath the water. He was pulled back out roughly by the hair, since he no longer had any limbs to be held by.

Luo Binghe grinned down at him, blood spilling from his mouth.

"Did you really think you could get away?" the demon lord questioned. "I swore to get my revenge the day you tossed me into the abyss."

"Binghe?"

"Don't you DARE speak my name with your scum mouth," the man hissed as he tightened his grip and pulled harshly.

Shen Yuan couldn't see quite clearly, his eyesight blurrier than it should be. Luo Binghe's face, however, was crystal clear.

"I loved you, Shizun," his voice suddenly became softer, tearful. "I loved you, so how could you betray me like that?"

Shen Jiu felt a tear rolling down his cheek.

"… I'm sorry…"

"Sorry? How could someone like you ever be sorry?" Luo Binghe laughed. "You only ever wanted to save your own skin. You never cared about me!"

Luo Binghe dropped him, and he fell to the ground, rocks digging into his bare flesh.

"I thought you were different. I thought you were better," the demon continued bitterly. "But you really are just like the original, aren't you? All you do is take advantage of people and hurt them."

Luo Binghe grabbed one of his legs.

"I should have done this sooner."

A painful pulling sensation screamed out from his hip joint.

And Shen Qingqiu screamed.

He shot up to a sitting position and looked around the room wildly. He was alone. Luo Binghe wasn't here. Did he want him to be?

Looking down, he realized that he still had both of his legs, but they felt numb. Were they really his legs? Had Luo Binghe ripped them off and reattached them? Were they fake? Did any of that really happen? His legs had been torn off before, right? That's what's supposed to happen to him, isn't it?

A sharp pain struck his arm, which made his breath hitch. He didn't want to have his arms torn off. He didn't want to die. He didn't want his husband to kill him. Was Luo Binghe gone because he hated him? Should he hate him?

"Qingqiu-shidi?" a voice called out. "Are you here? I wanted to check on you."

He didn't respond to the voice. He didn't know who it was. Or maybe he did. He wasn't sure. It sounded familiar?

His breath hitched, and he curled inward toward his desk.

Footsteps approached him, a door sliding open soon after.

"Xiao-Jiu?!" the voice exclaimed. "What's wrong?!"

Shen Qingqiu gasped as he felt hands touching his arms, jerking away.

"Xiao-Jiu, calm down. You're hurting yourself."

The hands were touching him again, and pain radiated through his arms.

"No!"

"Please try to take a deep breath, Xiao-Jiu. You're bleeding. You need to calm down."

Again, the person tried to touch him, this time accompanied by a different sensation, but he just jerked away again, scooting away as best he could.

"Xiao-Jiu, please let me help you," the voice begged. "I think you're having a qi deviation."

He still didn't want the hands to touch them. If they did, they were going to tear his limbs off. He didn't want to be a human stick. He didn't want to die. He shook his head, but apparently, the voice hadn't really been asking.

He was grabbed yet again, but this time much more firmly. He tried to get away, but found that he wasn't able to overpower whoever was holding him down.

Unable to escape, he thrashed in the grip, but that only made them hold him tighter.

"No! NO! Let go of me!"

The strange sensation returned.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm trying to help."

"Let go!"

He wasn't able to escape, but as the sensation flooded his body, his thrashing slowed to a stop, leaving him panting while held within someone's arms. It wasn't his husband, he knew. The arms were just as strong, but they were a little more slender. The hair he could see wasn't the right color or texture, either.

"Are you alright, Qingqiu-shidi?"

Ah. Yue Qingyuan.

Shen Qingqiu blinked for a minute, trying to settle his mind.

"… Please let go of me."

This time, his request was listened to, and Yue Qingyuan released his hold on him. Shen Qingqiu scooted a few feet away from him. As he realized what had just happened, he wished he had one of his fans so he could hide his face, but he didn't remember where he left them. Instead, he just avoided Yue Qingyuan's eyes.

"… Sorry."

"It's alright," Yue Qingyuan sighed. "Qingfang-shidi did say you would likely end up having another qi deviation at some point. I just want to know if you're alright."

"… I'm fine."

"Do you have any bandages? We should wrap your arms."

At that, Shen Qingqiu looked down and realized that his arms were bloody, with even more blood beneath his fingernails. He raised an arm and pushed down his sleeve, finding that it was marred with shallow but still-bleeding wounds.

He didn't feel them.

"I think they're in that cabinet," he replied, pointing in the right direction.

Yue Qingyuan found the bandages without difficulty and wrapped his arms securely, his touch lingering for just a second before he allowed Shen Qingqiu's arms to fall into his lap.

"Where's Luo Binghe? Isn't he with you?"

"…He said he'd be back by nightfall. He had to take care of a few things."

"Ah," Yue Qingyuan accepted. "So you've been alone all day?"

Shen Qingqiu crossed his arms.

"So what? I'm a grown man."

Yue Qingyuan gave him one of those sad smiles he always had.

"I know. But you could have come to see me. Or someone. You didn't have to be alone," he told him.

"Everyone's busy. I was fine."

"I could have made time for you," Yue Qingyuan argued. "I would have made time earlier if I had known."

"Maybe I didn't want you to!" Shen Qingqiu spat.

He didn't even know why he was suddenly so angry. He just felt agitated, and as much as he was fond of Yue Qingyuan while he was reading the original story, he couldn't help feeling a bit irritated with him at times now that he knew about their shared past (or. His and Shen Jiu's shared past. It wasn't him. He was Shen Yuan). It's not like he hated the guy, but come on! Imagine if he'd ever actually explained anything!

He knew the words hurt the other man, but he didn't really care at the moment. He wanted to be left alone.

"… One of the other peak lords, then," Yue Qingyuan accepted. "What would have happened if I hadn't happened to check on you, Xiao-Jiu?"

"Don't call me that."

"Qingqiu-shidi, please understand. We're all worried, and you need help. You know that," the sect leader spoke in concern. "You're only getting worse."

Not wanting to continue the conversation, Shen Yuan pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. He was quickly developing a headache, and he didn't want to be lectured about things he already knew.

Usually, Yue Qingyuan would have backed down by now, always one to give in to Shen Qingqiu's whims, but today, he seemed determined not to let the matter rest.

"You're hurting yourself!" Yue Qingyuan exclaimed. "Look at your arms, look at your hands! Look at yourself! How can I let you continue like this?"

He didn't want to look at himself. He hated looking at himself, hated looking at this body that both was and wasn't his. He wasn't going to do it.

He pressed harder, feeling like his head was going to split in half.

Before anything else could be said, the door opened again.

"Shizun, I- What are you doing? What did you do to him?!" Luo Binghe's voice quickly went from happy to be home with his husband to enraged as he saw the state he was in, that anger directed toward the other person in the room.

Shen Qingqiu peeled his hands away so he could squint in his husband's direction. Part of him was glad he was home, while the other urged him to be wary just in case the other man had any violent urges.

"He had a qi deviation," Yue Qingyuan explained. "He was already like this when I came to check on him."

Luo Binghe seemed to have been caught off-guard for a moment before he turned in Shen Qingqiu's direction.

"Shizun, I thought you were going to visit someone while I was gone…?" Luo Binghe frowned at him.

He didn't respond, but Yue Qingyuan turned back toward him as well, clearly taking this as confirmation that he was right, even if he wasn't going to say it.

Luo Binghe stepped into the room, quickly approaching him, and Shen Qingqiu couldn't stop the flinch of his body once his husband knelt in front of him. He managed to hold back the second one when Luo Binghe reached toward his face. Instead of hurting him, his husband just brushed a piece of hair behind his ear and held his cheek.

"Are you okay, Shizun?"

The worry on the other man's face was more reassuring than anything else. Clearly, this Luo Binghe wasn't going to become like the other one. He wasn't going to tear his limbs off.

Unless…

No, this was his husband. The one who hurt him was the other one. This Luo Binghe was safe. With a sigh, Shen Qingqiu allowed his eyes to close as he leaned into the touch, focusing on it.

"I'm fine. Sect Leader Yue settled my qi."

"Shizun…"

Opening his eyes back up, he could see that Luo Binghe noticed his bloody fingernails. Shen Qingqiu sat back, removing himself from his husband's gentle touch, though not quite so frantically as he avoided Yue Qingyuan's earlier.

"I'm fine."

Nobody agreed with that statement, not even himself, but he didn't know what else to say. He didn't even know he'd clawed his arms up until after the fact.

"… I'll get some water and a cloth."

"I'll let you two have some time together," Yue Qingyuan announced. "I hope you feel better, shidi."

Both he and Luo Binghe stood up, and once they left the room, he could hear them talking for a minute, but he couldn't quite tell what they said.

After a few minutes, Luo Binghe returned with a soft cloth and a bowl of clean water. He settled back down in front of him and reached for one of his hands. Shen Qingqiu let him, and Luo Binghe started to rub the damp cloth over his fingertips.

"Did you have another nightmare?"

Unable to meet his husband's eyes, Shen Qingqiu nodded.

Luo Binghe dipped his fingers in the bowl, trying to get the blood out from underneath the nails.

"What was it about?"

Of course, he couldn't answer that. How could he tell his husband that he dreamed of him tearing his limbs off? Even more, how could he explain that it was based on a real memory, a memory of when the other him actually did exactly that? He didn't want his husband to know that he still feared him sometimes.

"It was just… confusing."

"Can you try to describe it?"

With that, Shen Qingqiu tensed. He opened his mouth, trying to reply with some kind of excuse or a convincing lie, but he found his mind blank.

He just shook his head.

Luo Binghe sighed and continued to wash the blood away.

XXX