I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You
Nathan spurred Newton on, determined to put as much space between himself and Hope Valley as possible before he stopped for the night. Perhaps it would be easier to sleep then as the last few weeks had seen him spend too many hours tossing and turning in his bed, wrestling with his thoughts as he tried to decide what he should do. He knew how he felt, that was not the issue, but being there to watch Elizabeth marry Lucas Bouchard was what troubled him. Would he be able to stay silent?
It hadn't been easy for him after Elizabeth's declaration in the Mountie Office but he knew he had to let her go. In the beginning he had tried spending as many of his free moments as possible with Mei, thinking that perhaps over time their shared love of horses would help them to grow close and form that close relationship he so yearned to have. But very quickly they both realised that it was not meant to be. Then there was Faith, a spark between them giving both hope for a while until she came to him one evening, the sadness in her eyes clear as she told him that she believed it was merely the dying embers from their broken hearts that had glowed together for a while. As soon as she said it he felt a relief wash over him, the fear of having to let her down something that had been eating away at him for a while. He knew they would always be friends, almost like siblings, for in her caring nature he could see traces of his sister Colleen.
He had known that making an excuse for not attending wouldn't work before the wedding as the Elizabeth of now would never let him go without a full explanation, something he was not willing to give. So he had decided to sneak away, telling no-one but Allie. She was different and had not been surprised when he told her of his plan, for her understanding and co-operation was needed if he was to leave quietly. No-one would be surprised to see her arrive at the church with the Weiss family and she had promised to do her best to keep anyone from noticing that he wasn't there until after the ceremony.
Besides, Elizabeth would probably not even notice him missing. He wasn't sure what she would think but at least this was better than him standing there with most of the town watching, maybe silently hoping for him to show his emotions. But none of them knew the words she had spoken to him that night and so they would never understand. She would though and he didn't trust himself to keep his thoughts to himself when he saw her start that walk down the aisle. This was the battle he had been fighting. Would he say something or stay silent? Should he tell her before it was definitely too late? In the end he decided the best course of action was to remove himself from the scene and then he would never know the answer to that.
He had made sure his departure from town didn't seem unusual, keeping the extra items in his saddlebags to a minimum and knowing that he could rely on the goodwill of many of the people he would be visiting on his way to keep him fed and watered. There would be offers of a bed for the night, he was sure, but that would be declined. The solitude of the open sky, a fire to warm him and his trusty friend tethered nearby were what he needed to fill this time. Now he slowed, looking for the turn off to what would be his last call of the day. Checking on the folk living in the outlying areas of Hope Valley was something he did on a regular basis and it was the welcome and warmth he received at each homestead, no matter their circumstances, that had kept him going throughout the afternoon. Sometimes helping people was the best way to get through the difficult times. Tomorrow he was going to need even more of that and so he hoped that someone would have a big problem to be sorted that would keep his mind off what was happening not so far away.
Mounting Newton again he knew he still had time to call in at the old Camberley farm, stay for what would undoubtedly be a hearty evening meal to which he would be unable to say no, then ride on to find a sheltered spot to set up camp for the night. He knew this countryside so well that he already had somewhere in mind but that would depend on whether he could get Jacob to stop telling stories of the good old days early enough for him to take his leave. This could be a lonely life for people who worked hard with little reward so if bunking down somewhere closer tonight meant he made an old man happy then that was what he would do. He knew what loneliness could do to a person.
In a few days he would return to town having given the newlywed couple time to leave on their honeymoon to somewhere he had no doubt would be exciting and adventurous if Lucas was the one arranging it. But he hadn't wanted to know the details, making an excuse over the past few months to leave any conversation when the subject came up, "to attend to sudden urgent Mountie business" he would say. He had thought it would be easier as time went by but in fact it had become harder to ignore the sadness he felt every time he watched them together. Sometimes in the rare moments when it was just Elizabeth and him he could almost forget, see the woman she could be if only she was able to follow the path she needed. But her wedding day was the one time he knew he couldn't hide what he was thinking. What he wanted to tell her and make her understand was that Lucas Bouchard was not the man for her.
So wrapped up in his thoughts was he that it was only Newton's sudden whinny that made him realise that a car was coming towards them from behind, at a fair speed if he wasn't mistaken. Trying to remember if anyone had mentioned coming this way today he could think of no-one. Perhaps it was Faith being called out to an emergency, although with few farms further out on this road to Benson Hills he could only think of Jacob and the young Williams family who were his new neighbours. He prayed that there was nothing wrong with any of them. Pulling Newton to the side of the road he turned to wait for the vehicle to appear around the corner. It was Lucas's car, with the man himself behind the wheel. What was he doing out here the evening before he was due to get married? Suddenly a feeling of panic hit Nathan as he thought something must have happened to Allie but the look on the saloon keeper's face was not one of concern for another but, surprisingly, one of despair and confusion. Something had certainly happened and when, at that moment, Lucas finally spotted him Nathan knew he could not avoid becoming involved.
The car slowed and Lucas pulled it to the other side of the road from where Nathan still sat astride Newton. He waited for Lucas to speak but he just sat there, the engine idling as though he was undecided whether to stop or not. Finally Nathan dismounted and quickly tethering his horse to a low hanging branch he walked across. Still the other man said nothing, his eyes fixed ahead as though he wasn't really there. "Lucas, I must admit I am surprised to see you out here this evening, don't you have something important happening tomorrow?"
It was then that Lucas dropped his head, looking down at the floor of the car but still not saying anything. Nathan was immediately concerned. Something was going on inside the man's head and whilst they may have been foes over Elizabeth he wished him no harm. The longer Lucas stayed silent the more it seemed that something major had happened and he needed to find out what. So without speaking Nathan reached across the motionless man and turned the key in the ignition to switch off the engine before opening the door. "Why don't we go sit on those logs over there and you can tell me what is troubling you. I can't promise to have the answer but sometimes all you need is someone to listen and I've been told I'm pretty good at that."
Without waiting he walked away towards where Newton stood patiently, then reaching into one saddle bag he removed a thermos of coffee, newly filled at the last house he visited, and two enamel mugs. From the other side he pulled out a small bottle of whisky which he put into his pocket, having the feeling that it may be needed by one or both of them before this conversation was over.
It took a while for Lucas to make his way across but by the time Nathan had turned he was seated, almost slumped, on the end of one log. With his head in his hands he looked like a defeated man and Nathan knew that he had to tread carefully. Whilst neither his heart nor head may want to see this couple together he knew deep down that it was not his place to interfere either. All he could do was listen. And so he waited, pouring the coffee and handing one to the other man without saying a word.
When Lucas finally spoke his voice was muted, the arrogance and bluster he usually reserved for the man he saw as his competition now gone. So quiet was he that Nathan had to slide along closer, focusing on the other man's face to hear what he was saying, talking as much to himself as anyone. "I didn't need to be told, I knew. I think I've always known but deep down hoped that I was wrong. But lately I have seen it in her eyes too often and as our wedding day drew nearer it seemed there was no denying it. The big question was what should I do about it? How could I have failed at something that meant so much to me?"
Nathan thought he understood what Lucas was saying but knew better than to speak. Something he had learnt as a Mountie was that when someone does finally decide to open up then it is better to just let them keep going without interruption. Eventually it will all make sense. So he sipped his coffee and waited for Lucas to continue.
"At first it had been the challenge that enticed me, the thrill of playing a game, some excitement in this dull little town that I had chosen to lay low in until the coast was clear for me to once again go out into the real world. There she was, Elizabeth Thornton. Daughter of a shipping magnate, Hamilton high society and one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. There was a quality about her, almost ethereal in the way she cast light on everyone around her. When I discovered that she was a widow with a young child it made the challenge even more interesting. That the woman was smart was a bonus and fortunately for me it wasn't in the ways of the world I had frequented for so many years. That was why I knew I would succeed".
Lucas looked up at Nathan then, gauging his reaction to what he was saying about Elizabeth. He's got a good poker face, he thought, although that would be something even he would never say to the Mountie knowing his history with his father. Brushing those thoughts aside he spoke again. "The first hurdle to winning the prize was fortuitously removed when Abigail Stanton left town to care for her sick mother. That woman was too astute not to see through me, to catch me out on things that most people would never notice. So with the way clear I thought I would have a little fun to pass away the time. After all, wasn't that what Valmont would have done?"
Nathan knew that Lucas was referencing the Vicomte de Valmont from his favourite book, Les Liaisons Dangereuse, something he had been surprised did not concern Elizabeth when, in a conversation with Rosemary, she talked about how the shared love of books was something that they had in common. He hadn't been eavesdropping but it was almost impossible for him not to hear as they stood right outside the open door of the Mountie Office. Now as he listened to Lucas's words so much of his attitude and manner made more sense when you looked at who he held up as a hero. He didn't realise that Lucas had begun speaking again until the man paused mid-sentence, waiting to get Nathan's attention back. "I'm sorry Lucas, you mentioning Abigail made me think about her for a moment."
Lucas nodded, his head now up as the words were pouring out. "Then you arrived, a replacement for Jack Thornton, and everything changed. It didn't deter me, I just knew I had to tread carefully with so many things but at least when it came to wooing the local school teacher I had the experience to beat anyone, especially an almost painfully shy man." He gave a little laugh then and for a moment Nathan thought there he is, the Lucas I know, always needing to have the upper hand by belittling others. But he said nothing, just gave a shrug and sipped his coffee once again. "You couldn't have known how entertaining it was for me to watch you around Elizabeth, struggling to get your words out. It was clear that something was holding you back and I needed to know just what that was. So I used my sources to check into your background and, voila…there was Fort Clay!"
For a moment Nathan could feel the anger rising in him but quickly he calmed. Arguing with Lucas was not going to get to the root of what was going on, although he now had a fairly clear idea. This was his time to speak, to steer the conversation back to why Lucas was here now. "Did you speak to Elizabeth before you left? Does she understand why you are running away?" He knew that a double question would confuse the man enough to take the cockiness away, for he had neither the time nor inclination to listen to what Lucas thought of what had happened in his past. He was at peace with that and no longer needed nor cared to look back. It was what was going on now that mattered.
Lucas shook his head, his manner back to that of an uncertain man. "I couldn't. She would have been upset and angry with me, as she seems to have been a lot lately. I didn't want to have to see that. Be on the receiving end again! So I left her a letter", he paused then to look at his watch, "which she will have read by now." His expression made Nathan feel guilty for not wanting to help. Whatever he may think of Lucas, which was not a lot at times, it was clear that the man really did love Elizabeth. That was something he knew first hand was hard to let go, he himself had certainly tried long enough to do that. There were times when the changes he had seen in her made him wonder whether she really was meant to be with the saloon owner after all, the kind gentle woman he had fallen in love with no longer evident in the way she was acting. Yet recently there had been a softening, a return to the person so many of them had loved. So while his head said he was better off with how things had worked out, his heart still sometimes clung on to the memory of who she once was.
He watched with sympathy as Lucas twirled the empty mug around in his hand, his manner that of someone who had no idea of what he was doing. The moment was quickly broken when he lifted his head, the bitterness in his eyes directed towards Nathan. "I said that while I would always love her I couldn't marry someone who was in love with another man." He gave a laugh then, shaking his head before continuing, "all that effort and it has come to nothing. She may be in denial but it is clear to everyone else that it is you she loves, not me. The best laid plans, as they say! I planted the idea that she was just looking for Jack in you, fed into her fear of loving another Mountie only to lose him, and then played my ace by telling her I was letting her go, knowing that she would read that as a sign of true love. It was so easy and I really thought I had won. Somehow along the way I even fooled myself into believing that she really cared for me, maybe even loved me a little bit. But I now I know I had lost before I even began."
Nathan wasn't sure how to respond. He had come to terms with his own feelings about Elizabeth some time ago and yet he knew if he tried to dissuade her from marrying a man who was wrong for her it would be perceived as jealousy. That she wasn't in love with him had taken a long time for him to get over but that didn't mean he didn't still care about her or feel concern for her welfare. He looked across at Lucas, for the first time seeing the man behind the brash exterior and while he knew they would always have differences he did at least feel some empathy for the man. It was never easy to realise that your dream was not going to be.
"Do you know why I came out here today?", he asked quietly, then pointing to the extra load on Newton's back, he said, "why I'm not planning on returning for a few days?" Lucas barely looked up, shaking his head as his eyes acknowledged the question. "It's not because I am still so in love with Elizabeth that I couldn't bear to see her marry you. That, I came to terms with some time ago. No, it was because I thought she was making a big mistake. You are not the right man for her Lucas and she will never be happy no matter how hard you try. I didn't want to be there in case I couldn't stop myself blurting that out."
The other man nodded slowly, the battle he had fought to admit that evident in the weariness of his body. "I know that now. It is you she loves, not me. You have to go back, tell her you still love her."
A sad smile crossed Nathan's face as he heard those words. How ironic that now that he had finally realised the truth his opponent for her affection should be saying this. "You're wrong Lucas. Elizabeth loves both of us, she has made that very clear. But the person she is still in love with is Jack Thornton. Somehow between us we took away from her the chance to really grieve him and find her own way forward. She doesn't need either of us. The best thing for her would be to spend as long as it takes to find herself again. To love her son with the support of those of us who care enough to give her that space. That is what I have been fighting myself about for weeks, the urge to stand up and say that to her…and I honestly didn't trust that I wouldn't even as she was walking down the aisle."
Lucas was surprised, not expecting to hear that from the man who had so clearly loved her for so long. Yet Nathan seemed so assured in how he felt with no self pity in his voice. "But what would you have done afterwards if we did get married?"
Nathan gave a wistful look back before his voice became serious as he replied, "I would done everything I could to support her and Little Jack, praying that I had been wrong. Then I would have gotten on with my life and hoped that one day the right person would come along to accept my love and love me in return. That is what you need to think about now. It is about getting what you need without concern for other while finding the right way forward for you. A little at a time. Bit by bit. First a day is gone and then a week, then before you know it the good things outweigh the bad and in time what you thought you had lost is actually helping you move on."
He watched the expression on the other man's face, the inner turmoil clearly showing. "But how did you finally know it wasn't going to happen."
Nathan had to think for a moment, finding the right words. "I kept going back to what Elizabeth said to me that night in my office, that she loved me but was not in love with me. And I realised that was how I felt. I will always love and care for her but, to be honest, I don't always like her and I'm not in love with her in the way I want to feel about the woman with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life. It is early days for you Lucas. Take time, go and help build houses again if that is what you need to do for your own peace of mind. But don't let this time with Elizabeth define you. I did for far too long, weighing myself down with the hurt that I could not let go. Your day will come too. But first there is something we need to do."
"What is that?"
"We go back to Hope Valley. Together. And we tell Elizabeth what she needs to hear. Then we be there for her as she works her way through this."
Lucas nodded, wondering how it had come to the two of them sitting here like old friends opening their hearts in the way that neither did easily with anyone else. It was his turn to smile, "Does this make us friends now?"
Nathan gave a full laugh then, surprised that he had been thinking something similar. "Let's just say that it could be the beginning of something like that."