Saving Love

Chapter 1

I sat on my comfy bed pondering the failure of my last relationship, and the familiar anger and despair surged within me. I began to lose myself in my thoughts . . .

How do love and romance tie together? Well, from a girl's perspective, it's our Prince Charming and it's the sexy men we envision in Bridgerton or The Witcher. He is our soul mate. He is the one for us, and he is the man who understands us. We saw him in our Disney movies, in our teenage TV shows, in novels, and in movies. We actually grew up thinking that one day we would meet our Prince Charming and live happily ever after. We plan our weddings at a young age, and we plan the picture-perfect home with our loving husbands and our children running around in the backyard. We were taught how to act like young ladies and look forward to falling in love and finding our True Love and our "other half".

What a load of bullshit.

I turned over in bed and let out a very heavy sigh. The heaviness was more noticeable tonight, and I knew it came and went like the high tides on shore. The ache in my heart was still trying to heal from my past relationship. It has been 9 months since he broke my heart, and he left me in a sea of grief. Ironically, even though I brewed with anger and felt an iciness toward him, I knew deep in my heart that my soul missed him. The heartache was not as bad as it was when he broke up with me, but that familiar ache was still there—reminding me that I loved him.

But then I had to remind myself that he left me because I wanted to better myself in my career and he couldn't wait. I was going to school to become a doctor, and he couldn't do long distance. "It was too stressful," he told me. He was not happy with seeing me once to twice a month, which I could understand. However, we knew what we were getting into when we started dating. He made promises that he would never break up with me because the distance would be hard. We knew it would be, but I loved him. I knew that our distance was temporary. I loved all of our phone conversations we had. I felt close to him, and he felt right. At least that's how I felt. It just seemed like he just didn't want to fight for me anymore, and the thought of that hurts even more. I wasn't worth waiting for. . .

Quit it, Beth. He left you because he was a coward.

I shook away the terrible thought that I wasn't worth waiting for. I rolled over in my bed again. Sensing my restlessness, my cat, Tanner, pounces on me and starts kneading my legs as he settles into a comfortable curled, ball position. The kneading eases the tension in my body, and I remind myself that my animals loved me and that was enough.

I reflected on my year at the age of 26: it was a rough year. I thought I met The One last year, but after a beautiful 10 months of being together, Luke broke my heart while I had COVID. He wanted to be friends though, and I was too grief stricken to say no. Then, my grandmother passed away a couple of months later, and Luke offered emotional support. I needed that, and I craved his voice and his comfort. I would call him while my grandmother was on her death bed and hearing his voice soothed my agony for a short time. After my grandmother passed, I wanted to see him. I just wanted support, and he thought I was plotting for us to get back together. I wasn't that desperate, but when he said that to me, it made me feel even worse. I told Luke that I did not need him and did not talk to him for a while. I missed him and I even loved him, but I was also swimming in a sea of grief—I never experienced death in my family before since my family was small. However, the grief of losing who I thought was the love of my life and my grandma was almost unbearable. It took every strength I had to stay afloat and not fall apart. My soul cried out to him in agony, and it was so hard to deny that part of me. However, I respected myself better than to beg for a man to come back to me. I shouldn't have to convince a man that he should stay with me.

I contacted him again after the funeral, and he wanted to stay friends. I really did try, but my heart was still his. It was too painful for him to be a part of my life just as friends. I held anger and pain toward him because he promised me to take care of my heart and broke it. I thought he loved me. It was too painful, and I decided to eliminate him from my life.

I remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. I just moved to California because I was accepted by Standford University School of Medicine.

. . .

I texted the man goodbye because since he broke up with me when I was sick with COVID with a phone call, this man deserved to have it in text. He can read it over and over again and reflect that he lost something so good. This man does not deserve my friendship.

"I can't do this," I messaged.

"Do what?" He responds a few minutes later.

I swallowed hard. This was the right thing to do for myself.

"I've thought long and hard about this, but it's the right thing to do for me. I thought over time it would get easier but it's not. If it hasn't by now, it never will. I'm going to send you a decent amount of paragraphs. Either you read them or don't. I don't care. I just need to say it. The pain of us and my feelings are still apparently present after I got off the phone with you the other day. It just left me raw, and my heart was just torn. I don't want to torture myself anymore. Any thought of you leaves me in a mixed emotion of compassion, pain, and iciness toward you. I'm tired of trying to be a people pleasing person and I'm doing this for myself."

I sent another paragraph. "I value myself better than this. I have to let you go. Completely. Either you don't care or never even cared in the first place. It doesn't bother me anymore and I'm tired of trying to reflect on the value of our relationship. Now, it's not important to me if you do care or not. My feelings are valid and that's all I know. I don't need to turn myself inside out just for someone to love me or even care for me."

It took him several minutes, but he responds, "Your feelings are valid, and I'm so sorry. What we had was real. But that chapter of our lives is over now. I respect you and care for you. I want nothing but the best for you."

I boiled with anger. I hated that response because I knew he never loved me nor respected me. I knew what love was from my past relationship, and how he treated me after we broke up was NOT love. It was never real.

I punched in the letters angrily, "You can tell me all you want that what we had was true and all, but you hid some of your true self from me. Which is why you ended us. It doesn't matter how many excuses you say. It was your choice only because you hid a part of yourself from me."

I thought, Coward.

I continued, "Why should I love someone if they are never going to love me back? A man out there does deserve the love I can give. You almost hardened me. Hell, after everything I've been through this year, I almost convinced myself to stay single for the rest of my life and just be a career woman. You breaking up with me was the worst kind of grief I experienced and then when my grandmother passed, my grief was on a whole other level. However, why should I close my heart off just because 2 men didn't know how to love me? I shouldn't and I won't."

The words just kept flowing and tears began to stream down my face as I messaged, "After everything I have endured, loving someone is one of the best gifts God has bestowed upon humanity. I'm not giving up on it. I'm not letting someone like you harden me. I have learned how to establish boundaries and express my emotions. I finally am not worrying about others and what other people need in my life. I did this all on my own, and someone will see how formidable I am and will love me how I deserve."

He simply responded, "You are absolutely right. You do deserve love, and you will absolutely find it. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed."

Tears kept streaming as the pain in my heart threatened to consume me. Nope, he couldn't. He was a coward.

I just needed to cut him off.

I wrote, "I have to let you go. This will be the last time I will reach out to you. I know you'll do great and be fine. I did love your family. I hope one day you will open up to them because they do love you and just want nothing but your happiness," I said. I didn't say anything about me wanting him to be happy because of how he treated me after we broke up. A secret part of me didn't wish for his happiness. He broke my heart. He betrayed my trust. He lied to himself and me.

"I wish you nothing but the best. You have so much love and greatness ahead of you."

I concluded from that whole conversation that he only told me what he thought I wanted to hear. He didn't fight back or nothing. That proved he never loved me. He didn't know what love was.

I didn't respond and blocked him from everything in my life. A cowardly man like that does not deserve my time and energy.

. . .

My heart iced from the memory, and I clutched my chest like it would help. I don't think the grief of losing him will ever go away. At least I experienced love and respected myself by letting him go.

I shook my head. I just wanted a man to love me. I wanted my best friend. I wanted my partner in crime, and I wanted my cuddle buddy. However, love and romance nowadays seem like a fairytale.

My experience with lovers was not the greatest. I loved so hard and unconditionally twice in my life. I was faithful and loyal. My first relationship was 5 years starting at the age of 19. The typical love story of a good girl falling for the rebel was the classic in my life. I fell in love with Mike who voiced his opinions and was a broken man after dealing with his mom after a bad divorce. I thought I could fix him with love, but he thought the alcohol could fix him. The alcohol consumption grew worse over the years.

Mike was not a good boyfriend, but I hung on because he promised me that he would change and would get better. He would apologize after a night of drinking and raging fits. He would yell and scream at me when he was drunk. Sometimes he would say terrible things about himself, and sometimes he would direct his anger toward me by saying terrible things. He would play Odesza songs repeatedly when he was in a drunken mood and would cry out to his inner demons. He would cheat on me by messaging other girls and saying inappropriate things. He would blame it on the alcohol and say he didn't remember. I believed him for a while.

I tried to help him, but I was terrified of him. His anger could not be soothed, and it ended putting a wedge between us. I offered to help him, but Mike did not want to change. He loved alcohol more than he loved me. After 3.5 years of dealing with Mike's alcoholism, I fell out of love with Mike and left him.

Mike left me in a mess though; I had terrible anxiety attacks after I left Mike. While healing myself, I learned about emotional abuse, gaslighting, internalizing, establishing boundaries, and how to express my emotions in a healthy way. Apparently, dealing with Mike's alcoholism left me in survival mode for several years. I didn't even realize it at the time, but I was trying to control Mike's drinking. I never went out with friends, I allowed him to do what he wanted to do (even if that's just sitting at home playing video games all day while I went to work), and I never expressed myself because I didn't want to anger him. I was numb to everything, and I lost myself in trying to control Mike's alcoholism.

Then 6 months later after the breakup, Luke came along. He was the flip of the coin compared to Mike. I was hesitant to open myself up to another man, but Luke was patient, and he was tender. Luke and I knew each other when we were kids, and he became a mechanical engineer. We were catching up over the phone one night, and we spoke on the phone every day for a month. He lived in another state at the time but was planning to move to Texas soon to be close to family. He finally decided to drive up to see me. I remember the first time I saw him; he took my breath away. He grew up into a fine man, and he wasn't the scrawny little kid I remembered. I never had a man take care of me and show me love the way Luke did when we were together. He did everything for me, and he supported me. He understood the trauma I went through in my previous relationship, and he understood how it changed me. Sometimes I would be triggered when we would drink together, but he was patient. I knew I was a mess, and I thought he would leave me. However, he convinced me that he loved me and would never leave me. After several months of dating him, I finally fell in love with him.

But it was too good to be true.

The pain in my heart kept singing its sad melody, and I mentally shut it off. I did find independence in myself, and I was content with living alone. Ever since I have been out of relationships, I discovered myself again. I loved cooking, dancing, going out with friends, painting, playing sports, learning in classes, and exploring new places in California. I also didn't mind teasing men and accompanying some to their beds. I liked the thrill of a man trying to court me, and I liked the idea of seducing a man. However, I did miss that soulful connection while making love with someone I loved. I missed the passion and the heat of it. However, today with dating apps, it makes courting easy and convenient. Also, a lot of guys think the top love language to girls' heart is a fancy dinner and/or a dick picture.

Chivalry is dead. Finding love seems so unlikely. The men today are still boys. Being single is so much better. You can do what you want, and you don't have to worry about getting hurt. Your animals love you and that's all you need.

I mentally reminded myself that being single I felt so much inner peace with myself and the life I built for myself. I was going to school to become a doctor. I don't even have time for love anyways. I've only been in school for a couple of months, and I knew I was going to love my career.

My body finally relaxing, I went into a deep slumber, content with the idea of being single for the rest of my life.

I liked my independence, and I was convinced that men would be intimidated by that. At that point in my life, my mentality was that men can just basically go fuck themselves.

However, I wasn't expecting what would happen the next day.