TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter deals with PTSD, Depression and there is GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION of attempted su!cide.

I have dealt with depression myself and a lot of the internal monologue might be triggering. Please read with discretion.

If you are dealing with su!cidal thoughts or SH thoughts of any kind please seek help from your national hotlines.

The world is shit, but you are not the reason why. You are loved and you would be missed.

Take care.

…

Kriari sat cross legged on the floor, right in the middle of the devastated hallway. She closed her eyes and let herself be swallowed by The Force. She could feel herself drifting, crossing, unable to prevent the shift.

"You have basic psychology training, don't you, Rex?" Kriari asked.

"Yes Commander." He responded hesitantly.

"Good" she said, knowing that it would not be long before she needed someone to seriously intervene.

It had been a while, but Kriari had never been able to get rid of the nightmares. Guilt followed her around like a storm over her head, and her body felt heavier than ever. Ever since Geonosis, life had lost color, the war had long lost purpose, and thus her life had become bleaker. She knew she had support, and people who genuinely cared for her, but if she were to be honest, the people around her were the only reason she was still there.

Kriari knew what depression was, but this felt different. Her lack of capabilities as a leader, her lack of experience and her nonexistent control over her emotions made her unfit to lead. And she knew it. She was not supposed to be leading men into battle, she had always known that, and the names on her skin were constant reminders of her own failure.

She knew that she would no longer be a Jedi when the war ended, but she didn't know if she would live long enough to find out what she would do. Some nights, she rather welcomed the idea of not having to figure it out. She was no longer fit to be a Jedi, she probably never had been. What would she teach her own Padawan? How to fight wars?

What was the point then?

Was there a point for her to still be sticking around?

Wolffe, the love of her life, would be dead in a few years. Both her masters and Ahsoka would remain Jedi, and there was no longer a place in the Dune Sea for her, not anymore. Art would live a happy life, free from the constraint of the GAR.

It was a matter of time before she was left completely alone.

Maybe it would be better if she just disappeared.

Few would mourn her, but they would eventually move on.

The Clones would get better command than a teenager that was just figuring shit out as she went.

If she wasn't there, everything would eventually start to go better for everyone.

Obi-Wan and Plo Koon would no longer have to babysit her. Wolffe would be sad, but he would die soon anyway.

Ahsoka would miss her, but they hadn't seen each other in so long, she would most likely barely feel her loss.

Few would miss her, if any at all.

"Commander?" Rex's voice sounded far away, but she could feel him just a few feet away.

If Kriari hadn't been there, Florrum would have been different. Khorm would have been different. Geonosis would have been different. Ord Anlata would have been different.

Kriari shifted to her knees. If she was going to do this, she would do it right.

"Commander Foreas?"

She took her lightsaber from her belt and with smooth practiced moves, turned the hilt towards herself, in line with her abdomen.

"Kriari what….?"

"Tell my masters I'm sorry. Tell Ahsoka she will always be my sister. And tell Wolffe I love him" She said with watery eyes. "You have been a real friend Rex. "

Rex's eyes widened as he realized what was going on.

"Kriari wait!"

Kriari turned on her lightsaber and her insides burned. It did not last long, because before she could drag her lightsaber across her midriff, the world around her went black.

….

Obi-Wan and Plo Koon sat outside the operating room. Obi-Wan had his elbows on his knees and hands on his face. He was tired, he had not slept in over two rotations. Plo Koon rendezvoused with the 121th as soon as he got the news. Cody and Wolffe were now in charge of both their battalions, Wolffe had not been told why. Only Cody, Rex and Kriari's masters knew what was going on, what had happened. The prospect of Kriari succeeding in her attempt had been a somber one.

"Where did we go wrong?" Whispered Obi-Wan "I thought- I thought she was getting better."

Plo Koon sat in silence, hands intertwined and sitting on his lap.

"We weren't paying enough attention." Said Plo Koon simply. "We were looking but not seeing, hearing but not listening."

Obi-Wan sighed and ran his hands through his face frustrated.

"I can't believe I failed her so spectacularly…"

"We both did, Master Kenobi. We both did…"

The door to the operating room opened and out came both a Clone medic and a Jedi healer. The Clone healer explained the physical damage she had given herself. Several organs ruptured, half her kidney gone, and a good chunk of her uterus and intestines had been completely destroyed. They had had to artificially reconstruct most of it. She would never be fertile enough to conceive, and she would need maintenance of her new circuits every half a decade.

The Jedi healer had even worse news. Her connection to the Force had nearly completely ruptured. It was like the Force had purposefully cut itself off so more damage could be prevented, which was probably the only reason she was still alive. What little Force was still left in her was looking worse for wear. The emotional damage she had paired with the weakened state of her midichlorians made for a dire prospect.

"Is there anything we can do?" asked Obi-Wan concerned.

"She will of course need to be pulled from the war effort, she needs physical, mental and emotional rest" Said the Clone medic.

"The republic cannot afford that" said the Jedi Healer, confronted.

"She will only try again if we do not give her what she needs instead of what the Republic needs" responded the clone medic defensively. "A rested Jedi is better than a dead one."

"Listen here-"

"Master Healer, Please. This is our Padawan, do not be careless." Said Plo Koon, more than slightly annoyed.

"The Council will not allow it." They said.

"The council does not have to allow it. Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and I are her masters. We will decide her fate. I thank you for your prognosis, and will hopefully not be seeing you soon enough."

The healer exited the hallway grumbling to themselves.

Plo Koon turned to the clone medic.

"What would you recommend, doctor?"

The clone, surprised that his word would be taken more seriously that a Jedi's hesitated for a moment.

"I would extract her from the source of trauma. Take her somewhere peaceful, predictable, boring with someone she trusts and slowly try and rebuild a sense of routine and safety. Because this is a Jedi and a war veteran I would also take someone who can physically manage her if she ever attempts to harm herself or others. And time. She will need a lot of time."

"Thank you, Doctor," Said Obi-Wan as the doctor disappeared down the hallway.

Both Jedi masters turned towards each other.

"Any ideas?" asked Obi-Wan.

"A few, but I will need time to arrange it."

Obi-Wan was beyond caring for protocol at this point. He realized sometimes, following rules was not in one's best interests.

"Tell me what you need."