PEPPERS

Bakugo sauntered into the kitchen, holding a jar in one hand. The other students took seats at the stools around the counter.

"Dude, what the heck?" Sero asked. "Didn't you say you were making dinner tonight?"

"I did." He opened the oven just a crack, letting the savory smell of his curry waft into the kitchen. Drool dripped from chins, and everyone instinctively leaned closer for a better sniff.

Bakugo slammed the oven door shut. "But first," he said, grinning ominously, "Let's play a game."

"Nope." Kaminari jumped out of his seat. "No way. That's serial killer talk, dude. I'm out."

"Sit your ass down before I make Sero tape it there."

Kaminari gulped and sat back down. Bakugo plonked the jar down in front of them and said, "For years, I've racked my brains on how to identify the robots walking among us. I've tried magnets, tasers, paradoxes, knock knock jokes. But now, I've finally found the definitive test."

Bakugo twisted. The moment the jar snapped open, a pungent, fiery odor suffused the air. Eyes watered and tongues curled up as the raw capsaicin infusing the air set aflame any unprotected permeable tissues.

Tsuyu shivered uncomfortably and rubbed a wet towel all over her skin. "That's making me burn all over, Katsuki. What is that stuff?"

Bakugo reached in and plucked a single shriveled pepper. "These are ghost peppers, grown over the grave of Montezuma himself. They were harvested on the hottest day of the year, left to roast in the middle of Death Valley, and pickled in a mixture of capsaicin and honey badger blood."

"Dude, that's so manly! Let me try one."

Kirishima grabbed one and hardened his tongue. He bit down, spurting pepper juice all over his chin. "Huh? These aren't so bad." He kept chewing. Steam curled from his lips. "Did someone turn up the thermostat? I feel a bit…" Smoke poured from his ears. A gout of fire danced out of his mouth as he screamed and ran for the sink.

Bakugo leveled a glare at his other classmates. Mineta tried to run, but Bakugo leapt across the counter and pinned him down.

"No, please! I like having a tongue!"

"That's exactly what a robot would say!"

"That doesn't even make any-"

Mineta's protests were cut off with a pepper between his teeth. The spheres atop Mineta's head caught fire and exploded. As Mineta twitched and moaned on the floor, Bakugo said, "Who's next?"

Everyone ran. Only Tokoyami and Izuku remained seated. Bakugo loomed over Izuku, hands crackling, and said, "Well, Deku? Have one."

Izuku crunched on one. "Huh. This tastes like-"

His head exploded. Mechanical eyeballs rolled across the floor. Izuku's torso groped around for them, held them high, and walked home for a new head.

"See?" Bakugo asked. "Only a robot could survive one of these!"

Tokoyami munched on an entire handful. Seeing Bakugo's incredulous stare, he said, "I'm a bird. Birds don't have taste receptors for capsaicin."

"That's because they're robots!"

500

Shoutout to my younger brother who got himself sent home from school after eating an entire jar of pickled jalapenos, juice and all, because his intestines had reasonable objections to his life choices.