John Phoenix was sitting in his cabin on the Excess Express one day. He didn't have a particular destination in mind, he was just enjoying the cruise across the rails. After a while, he got hungry, so he decided to go to the dining car.

But, on his way there, he heard a loud CRASH! John Phoenix ran to the source, which was the kitchen.

"Help help all my food has been stolen!" said the chef who was a fish.

"Oh no!" said one of the passengers. "If all the food is gone then everyone will starve!"

Everyone was panicking. Except John Phoenix. And somebody else...

"Worry not, dear travelers," said a penguin with a detective cap. "My name is Pennington and I will solve this mystery."

Everyone was relieved and then gathered around in a circle.

"Now, which one of you schmucks did it?" said Pennington.

"Not me," said the waitress.

"I think it WAS you!" said Pennnington.

"OBJECTION no it wasn't!" said John Phoenix her lawyer.

"What?"

"The one who really did it... was HIM!" John Phoenix pointed at the man in the conductor's uniform. The whole time, he had been standing in the corner perfectly upright with his hands firmly clasped behind his back very important-lookingly. But what's notable about him is that though he was wearing a conductor's uniform, he was not the conductor. He was DYLAN FITCHAR!

"You can't prove that shit John Phoenix!" said Dylan.

"Yeah I can, show us your hands."

Dylan gulped, then after five seconds, he showed his hands and they were empty.

"What's THIS?" said Pennington who had snuck around Dylan and saw that he stuffed all the food inside his pants.

"NOOOOO FUCK YOU JOHN PHOENIX AND PENNINGTON I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Dylan Fitchar ran away, but he had nowhere to run, so was caught! They cuffed him with some old, rusty, painful-looking handcuffs and threw him into the storage.

Also, while he was trying to run, all the food fell out of his pants and everyone said "hurrayyyy" and they had a big meal in celebration.

"Yuck, this food tastes like Dylan Fitchar's ass," said a kid but he got scolded for not being grateful to not starve to death.

Later, John Phoenix was resting in his bed when there was a knock on the door. He opened it and Pennington was there.

"Smashing work today, fellow sleuth," said Pennington and he extended a flipper. "I am Detective Pennington, and you, my friend, are no mystery to me."

John Phoenix nodded. "I am-"

"The Ace Attorney, Phoenix Wright! A PLEASURE to meet you!"

"SHUT UP, TROLL, MY NAME IS-"

"It's not Troll, Phoenix Wright, it's Pennington."

Before John Phoenix could correct this foolish little penguin, the train came screeching to a halt!

"Egads, someone's on the track!"

John Phoenix looked outside and saw DYLAN FITCHAR standing on the tracks! And Dylan Fitchar had a big sack in his hands! He opened it and a much of small black creatures came out and swarmed the train!

"Oh no, Smorgs!" said Pennington. The Smorgs tried to grab all the passengers but John Phoenix killed them all.

BUT NOT BEFORE THE CHEF GOT STRANGLED TO DEATH BY THEM!

"NOOO, CHEF!" cried the waitress. "ARREST DYLAN FITCHAR IMMEDIATELY!"

But Dylan wasn't on the tracks any more! Where did he go?

Everyone ran to check the storage car where Dylan was supposed to be detained, and he was there! Then he got double arrested this time for murder.

But John Phoenix suspected there was more to this so he promised to defend Dylan.

"I don't understand, dear Phoenix Wright, why are you defending your nemesis?"

"Because my uncle always taught me that the truth matters more than anything else!" said John Phoenix.

The trial began. They still hadn't arrived at their destination but they wouldn't reach any towns for a few days so they decided it'd be quicker to just have one on the train.

"Court's in session," said the judge.

"The prosecution is ready, Your Honor," said Miles Edgeworth.

"Woah where'd he come from?" thought John Phoenix.

Edgeworth made his opening statement.

"Dylan Fitchar stole a big sack of Smorgs and unleashed them on the train as part of an evil plan to kill people," said Edgeworth.

"OBJECTION!" shouted John Phoenix. "Dylan was locked in storage the whole time after we arrested him!"

Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "Is that... so? Well, no matter. Logically speaking, he must have simply freed himself by climbing out the window."

"OBJECTION!" shouted John Phoenix. "But Dylan's still handcuffed so how could he have carried the sack?"

Edgeworth started sweating. "What could this mean?"

"It means the guy who looked like Dylan... WASN'T ACTUALLY DYLAN IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE!"

"That's impossible!" shouted Edgeworth.

"Not so, dear Edgeworth," said Pennington. "I've heard tales of a ghost who can mimic anyone's identities at will."

"Why yes," said the judge. "You mean the infamous impersonator, Doopliss!"

John Phoenix slammed the desk!

"Yes! HE must be the killer!"

"Interesting... but where is Doopliss now?"

"I think I know," said John Phoenix with a smile. "I think he is EDGEWORTH!"

"WHAT?" said Edgeworth. "On what grounds do you accuse me?"

"Cause you didn't know Dylan was locked away at the time and therefore has an alibi even though everyone on the train witnessed him getting absolutely owned by me and Pennington, which means you were NOT ON THE TRAIN AT THE TIME!"

"NNNGGGGGHHHOOOOOOHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEE!" Miles Edgeworth cackled and then he turned into Doopliss!

"So you've seen through my charade," said Doopliss. "But tell me, boys... who is the culprit behind this murder?"

"That's rudimentary at this stage. It could only be you, Doo-"

Pennington started coughing.

"What's the matter? Obviously the killer is Doo-" John Phoenix also started coughing. "What is this trollishness? WHY CAN'T I ACCUSE HIM?"

"That's cause I stole you're ability to say the letter p, worms!" said Doopliss. It is true. John Phoenix and Pennington have not said 'p' the whole story! "Now, if you don't think I'm the killer, I'll be leaving.

"Phoenix Wright, what do we do?" said Pennington.

"I don't know, Pennington," said John Phoenix. Then a light bulb appeared over his head! "Or maybe I DO know!"

Doopliss was leaving.

But then he wasn't!

Because John Phoenix said "HOLD IT!"

"What?"

"Not so fast, murderer! You may have stolen our ability to say p... but then why are we able to say "Phoenix" and "Pennington?""

"Oh, SHIT!" said Doopliss.

"It's because we can still say capital Ps! Therefore," said John Phoenix and he started shouting as loud as he could, "YOU ARE THE CULPRIT, DOOPLISS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Doopliss cried out and he vanished into thin air, but not before dropping two lower-case P's belonging to John Phoenix and Pennington.

"Yippee!" said John Phoenix.

"I declare Dylan Fitchar not guilty of all charges!" said the judge.

"Wait not all charges you fool!" said the engineer. "He's still guilty of theft!"

"Oops," said the judge but it was too late! Dylan was a free man and he ran away!

John Phoenix shrugged. Some things never change.