Me: *Slaps Izuku* Look how much angst this bad boy can fit into him.

TW for suicidal thoughts and references to past self-harm. Nothing graphic.

Hope you enjoy!

"Have you ever wondered what you would be doing with your life right now if All Might had never given you, his quirk?"

Izuku's head snapped up in shock at the unexpected words, momentarily rendered speechless. After a beat, he quickly gathered his wits and chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. Katsuki leaned back with arms crossed, clearly waiting for him to say something.

The two were enjoying a rare weekend together where their hero schedules didn't interfere with each other's and they decided to celebrate by having a homecooked meal for once, instead of their regular takeout. Albeit there was some scuffling over who would have control over meal preparation, Katsuki eventually won that fight and shooed Izuku from the kitchen.

Their conversations had been so easy so far, talking about mundane things like work, weekly plans, and Katsuki's horrible attempts at trying to slip sexual innuendos whenever he could. So, what had possessed him to ask such a question?

What made him want to hit Izuku with that question out of the blue, like a physical punch to his stomach, and ruin their otherwise peaceful time together.

Izuku realized his mouth was still hanging open in shock, and quickly shut it, clearing his throat. He wanted to make sure he heard right before going into complete shutdown mode and risk ruining the rest of their night together.

"What was that, Kacchan? I wasn't quite paying attention," he asked, inwardly flinching as Katsuki's eyes narrowed, not quite in anger, but definitely in annoyance. Izuku tried to ignore the look, and silently wondered why it made him nervous. Kacchan never made him nervous anymore. He hadn't in a long time.

"I SAID, what do you think you would be doing now if you were still quirkless," he said, not catching the flinch that came from Izuku at the dreaded word that still haunted his dreams during the darkest time of the night.

Izuku frowned into his bowl of katsudon. He and Kacchan NEVER talked about that time when he was still a quirkless nobody, just the mention of it bringing up too many painful memories for them both. Besides, they had already worked through their problems long ago, and had forgiven all that needed to be forgiven.

So why now? What had changed?

"I'm not sure what you want me to say. Why does it matter anyway?" he asked, pushing away his bowl, having suddenly lost his appetite. "We're both heroes now, and hasn't that been our dream from the beginning? I don't need to think about what could have happened whenever everything I wanted to happen has already did"

Katsuki exhaled through his nose, fingers twitching while he ran them through his hair. He had gotten through most of his old anger issues fairly well at that point, but it didn't stop that old irritation from trying to slip back in. But he still tried to reign it in, not wanting to start a fight with Izuku. His husband was never one to share his thoughts and feelings, so he wasn't exactly surprised at the deflection.

"Come on, it's a simple question Zu. You would have to have made some sort of contingency plan for your life if you hadn't made it into UA. I don't know why you're being so cagey about it."

"I'm not being cagey!" Izuku snapped, green electricity coursing over his body for a moment. "I just don't know how it's relevant, that's all. It's a stupid question and I shouldn't have to answer it if I don't want to!"

Katsuki scoffed. "Oh really? 'Cause it sure seems to me that you're trying to hide something from me. What's got you so scared, huh? I'm not going to make fun of you, ya know. Why is it that hard for you to come up with something?" He challenged, holding Izuku's gaze.

The two glared at each other from across the small table, daring the other to look away first. Izuku's hands began to shake, and he quickly hid them between his knees, worrying his bottom lip. He hadn't felt this cornered and trapped in a long time. Back when he was...scared of Kacchan.

Izuku was the first to cave, not being able to face his husband's eyes, suddenly feeling self conscious about it. He dug his nails into his knees, wanting to be literally anywhere else, even going so far as to secretly will his com to go off, warning them of a villain attack.

How could he possibly explain that besides UA there was nothing for him. That his future had always been entangled into the hero program, that nothing else mattered more than getting in. He could even say it was one of his most unhealthy obsessions.

He wasn't Katsuki. He wasn't blessed with a flashy quirk that made everyone gravitate towards him. Nobody kissed the ground that he walked on or praised him for doing even the smallest things because of how much potential he had.

Izuku squashed that thought as soon as it came. This wasn't Katsuki's fault; he wasn't the cause of the bitterness that he sometimes felt when they met old classmates who gushed over him. It made him hate himself even more, that he could possibly resent the man he pledged his life too. Bygones where bygones, right?

Besides, was he really expected to live a life completely useless? Where he couldn't even go to the store without someone 'bumping' into him hard enough to knock him to the floor. Or where teachers deemed it perfectly fine to give him a good smack or two or kept him in at break to place a muzzle on him to punish him for his muttering. Was he expected to look up to those same adults and trust them to lead him on the right path.

The thought of going to a regular high school still made him sick to his stomach. He wouldn't have been able to do it. Because what could have possibly been worse than being beaten and berated every day, or locked in the dark, enclosed janitor's closest while the other students laughed at his pleas to be let out. How could he have survived going through the same cycle of abuse, having to arrive early each morning to scrub the horrible words and threats from his desk, or to throw away the notes and spider lilies that seemed to come in abundance.

Sure, he had his mother there to help him hang onto a future. But living with her soon became a chore as he became her babysitter instead of her son. Besides, she never knew exactly the hell she was sending him into every day when he walked out the door. Or maybe she didn't want to know where the cuts and bruises came from, and Izuku never gave up any information willingly. She didn't put down his dreams, but she never quite encouraged them either, almost as if she knew her son wouldn't make it to adulthood.

Because he knew, he knew he wouldn't make it past his fourteenth birthday. The scars on his arms and thighs could attest to that fact in varying degrees of size and depth. Even now he would sometimes keep safety pins up his sleeves when he needed relief or bite down on his hands hard enough to bruise.

Those were the same scars that Katsuki kissed oh so gently in the dead of night. Katsuki, his Kacchan, how could he possibly say it was HIM who cemented his final decision? His words that he loved so dearly now and could listen to for hours are the same ones that broke him into nothing, shattering his heart.

Because deep down he knew, if Katsuki was anything it was honest. And Kacchan always gave the best advice.

If Katsuki was to ever find out that after All Might left him on that roof, he was going to jump without a second thought, the guilt would surely break him. Or more realistically, in Izuku's opinion, he would turn away in disappointment and disgust once he figured out Izuku wasn't the strong person he claimed to be. Just the same useless Deku that he always knew he was.

He couldn't tell Katsuki any of this, he would rather slit his wrists. Because if Katsuki left what would be the point of all of this? What was the future without his Kacchan?

"-uku! Izuku snap out of it!"

Izuku was forced back into reality at Katsuki's voice, his hands grabbing his shoulders in a bruising grip. His cheeks felt wet, and he touched one, surprised when his fingers came back shiny with tears. His husband's eyes were wide, worry and fear evident in them, but he looked relieved when Izuku looked up to him.

"What the HELL was that?! You just spaced out and started crying suddenly!" he said, his voice taking an angry edge. Izuku could barely contain the whimper that tried to escape.

Izuku pushed Katsuki away a little too harshly and squashed down the twinge of guilt at Katsuki's hurt expression. "Just...don't worry about it. It was nothing."

"I'm not fucking stupid, people don't just disappear into themselves like that," Katsuki argued. "You haven't done that in years, did my question really bother you that much? I honestly don't get why you're so affected by it!"

"YES! Yes, it did, Katsuki," Izuku snapped. "I told you I had no answer for you, yet you continued to bug me!" He blinked back tears, suddenly feeling extremely tired and drained. He stood up and gathered his dishes. "You know what, forget it. Just leave me alone for the rest of the night, okay?"

Katsuki stood up too, clasping his hand over Izuku's, looking guilty. "Zu, I'm sorry, okay? I guess I overstepped a line, and I'm sorry about that. Let's just talk this out, yeah?"

Izuku ripped his hand free, his glare making Katsuki flinch and take a step back. "I said leave me alone! God, can't you take a hint!"

He turned back towards the door, but stopped for a moment, looking back at a dumbfounded Katsuki once more.

"And if you really have to know that badly, the only thing I had planned after middle school was a nice swan dive off the roof."

He ignored Katsuki's horrified expression and pleas for him to stay and talk. He didn't want to hear anything at that point.

So much for their romantic night.