The storm had seemingly exhausted her last tantrum by then. A drizzle remained in the mistress' stead. Still the overcast shadowed most of the macabre inside their little house, if not from Sunako's eyes, then at least from her conscience. Rusted petals lay by his feet, while blood and putrid vines decorated the heaps of blankets, they shared. A copper smell had melded with the moist air, completing the image. Doubtless, she had known to whom it all belonged.
"Seishin..." Sunako began. At the sound of her voice the jinrou shifted. The girl sat down opposite him, scarcely sweeping the damp vines, before doing so. At the end of that inane gesture, her chilly fingers brushed passed his. That was most likely an intended consolation. Seishin shivered. Whether that reaction sprung from the sudden coldness or her voice remained unsure. The latter was a surprise. Sunako rarely used that tone, more so on him: cold, captivating, and asking for unquestioned obedience. That was the tone preserved for her victims under hypnotism, and as Seishin guessed further, could have ensued on her subordinates back in Sotoba... He could hardly recall, how she'd sounded all those years ago. Sotoba had become a haunting apparition, that stumbled in either to curse or smolder him, like a fervid drunkard. He hardly believed himself having been through that massacre... These damp petals and vines, coating their sheets, said otherwise. Before long Sunako's eyes met his. "I'm worried for you... You told me, it was getting better."
"I..." Seishin bit on his tongue. Well, he hoped so. Apparently, his voice had come out as falsely optimistic back then, seeding doubt instead of a permanent truth... Unbeknownst the time in-between his breaths elapsed and a frown took over Sunako's brows.
"You're still sick, but you're not human anymore. I had thought, it was only an after-effect at first... How strange..." Sunako's fingers glided through the grey blanket, stumbling through slain vines, then grated them further and into a miniature pile, as if they were overdue leaves in Spring. Seishin watched her, unnerved. She did not seem to mind, that they were coated in blood, in saliva, or the fact that those residuals came from inside of him, from the core of that rotten infection. They could have resembled a myriad of gravestones under her slender fingers. "I remember you said, that a mental factor was to blame. Does that mean you're still infatuated with him..?"
"S-sunako... I..."
"Don't lie to yourself," She cut him off. "Not in this state. Acceptance could be a key in lessening these symptoms. Of course, I'm only theorizing... We'll figure this out somehow."
He noticed, how her voice cracked at the end. Sunako must've understood, that she was crossing a line. After all, they had promised, upon first discussing that matter to not lay another word in that puddle. Sunako had sworn by it, just like Seishin had sworn to leave things unquestioned about her own past and psyche. A mutual agreement was made. Seishin had been hopeful, they would live by it until the end of days. There were things better left unspoken, unless they quite literally spew themselves out – he regarded the evidence by his knees wistfully. To think your own body would betray you like so...
Sunako stood up, puncturing his somber thoughts. She spoke.
"I think that's enough for now. Let's clean this up, and have a rest. Dawn is coming."
"A-ah."
They barely spoke afterwards. A monotonous drizzle filled in the silence and their mental disarray, once the two curled up beneath their blankets.
X X X
A similar drizzle had clouded Sotoba so many years ago.
Seishin recalled himself climbing the last flight of stairs, leading to the school's roof. An ivory door met him. The teenager knew, what he'll find waiting for him outside, still the unease did not let up... Toshio said, he wanted to talk outside of Sotoba. Knowing him, that shouldn't concern Seishin, as it will most likely be a harmless brag or a whine... They haven't talked much this past week, so Toshio must have thought it necessary to catch up. Entrance exams were coming. Both of them were busy, an array of stress hung on their families as well. Seishin exhaled, then turned the knob. The breeze squeezed in through that miniature gap and the man could hear the faint taps of rainwater on the roof. All of that scratched his resolve, until he pushed them down: Toshio was waiting for him, he couldn't leave him there alone. Seishin hastily buttoned up his school jacket and went out. The building's roof seemed to be the size of a single classroom. The third story's wall judged them from the left, well anyone, who endeavored to climb up here - smokers mostly. That was the reason why cigarette buds littered every corner. Teachers rarely went to the roof. The caramel brick wall did not spill any secrets, nothing could be seen from the side windows either. It was a perfect spot. Despite the granted space, Toshio stood at the very edge near a low, rusted railing. How many times had Seishin warned him to be careful? The construction had lived past its prime and accidents piled up. Toshio should've known.
Regardless, smoke swelled beside him. It resembled a foreign apparition, a silent companion, a ghost, that shared his troubles. It explained Toshio's festering tobacco addiction. In another frame, an act of smoking had been granted peculiar appeal.
Wordlessly, the silver-haired male made his way towards his friend. Toshio turned with a soft smile and rain-matted hair.
"Hey, it's been a while, Seishin."
"Ah, that's true. Aren't you cold though?"
"Don't be such a worrywart." Toshio waved him off with the cigarette in hand. Ash fell off in a puddle by his feet. "I swear, if you'll start greeting other people like that, no one will come to you anymore... Ah, anyway, I wanted some company, especially since we're in Mizobe..." He quieted down, took a drag off his cigarette. Seishin stared at him throughout that pause with a scrunched lip and fingers modestly entwined at the front. He was expecting the worst.
"Don't look at me like that, I'm not planning a murder." Toshio cringed. "Wait, I know." He drew out a crumpled packet of cigarettes. Four golden filters ogled Seishin in mutual chagrin. "Take one. Come on, don't be shy, I know you must be stressed and all... H-here."
Toshio tilted the packet, as Seishin shyly fidgeted with the cigarette's end.
How easily Toshio managed to sway him, to give influence. Seishin felt more vulnerable in front of the other. Several shields had been dropped and Seishin allowed himself the luxury to indulge in hidden whims... Whims that had no right to dwell in his head, that he constantly shoved away. Toshio managed to hoist them, unawares. There were times, where he'd follow Toshio nearly hypnotized. In that sense, was it actual freedom, he craved or a different kind of entrapment?
"I'll light it for you. Yah, keep it between your teeth, like so," The brunet tilted his head upwards. The blistering cigarette idiotically dangled from his mouth. "When I light the tip, you inhale."
Seishin drowsily watched, as Toshio shielded the tip with both his palm and his hunched frame, while standing on Seishin's side. The lighter fruitlessly clicked in-between his fingers. Sparks flew, but no ignition was apparent. Toshio cursed behind his breath. In the meantime the smell of tobacco gradually assaulted Seishin with a promise of shelter and a pleasurable confinement. The gathering smoke made him feel light-headed. Repetitious clicking, Toshio's proximity, the rain – all aided his intoxication. Sleepily, Seishin noted, how the lighter began to shudder in Toshio's grasp. Was he growing impatient? Why? They were away from Sotoba. Here, time had lost its essence, coaxed by isolation, a sense of freedom and a temperamental drizzle. Seishin would not have minded, if this moment paused.
They were alone...
Finally, a miniature flame erupted, like some deity, propped out of slumber.
"Inhale." A breathy whisper. Seishin imagined the smoke to have spoken. It seemed unlikely for Toshio to interfere. Needless to say, he did as told, swallowing the tobacco. It tasted awful. The hasty smoke scratched his throat, as if bumping to every inane corner available, poisoning, before hastily slithering down the trachea. With tears burning his eyes, Seishin raised his head, only to notice a mischievous smirk. Toshio's eyes glinted, triumphantly. "How is it?"
"Bitter." Seishin massaged his throat. The cigarette was taken out with shaky fingers.
"Don't force yourself, if you don't want to." That sentiment came rather late, misplaced, on a second thought. Toshio was the one, who offered a cigarette in the first place, Seishin took it, mounting his resolve and shutting off his rational mind. The path was stained. Traversing back through that smear would give way to ineptitude. With that in mind, Seishin stilled, hunched his back. The drizzle beat at it consciously perhaps. Anxious, he placed the cigarette in his mouth, then slightly turned away, hoping to be spared off of any more of such statements. Unawares, Toshio continued. "Just say the word, and I'll finish it for you. Can't waste such a good thing, ne?"
"I-I'm fine."
"Really?"
"A-ah..."
"Good boy." A whisper. Confused, Seishin's eyes flicked back to Toshio. Before he could open his mouth, ready something akin to a reprimand, Toshio leaned forward. His fingers nonchalantly plucked out Seishin's cigarette, discarding a useless weed, before their lips met in a swift peck. Seishin's eyes widened. His frame shivered, as if being struck by lightning, although besides the shock, genuine pleasure coiled inside the pit of his stomach. The pressure and warmth were both welcoming... Nonetheless, Seishin pushed the brunet away.
"Why did you..."
"Huh? What's the matter? That's just a kiss, don't be so dramatic." Toshio gave back the cigarette with a chuckle.
"Y-you didn't have to do that."
"But I did. Now you'll have to return the favor, Seishin."
"You're ridiculous."
"I bet you never kissed anyone before."
"That's not the point! You dated that girl in your class, right? So why then-"
"Seishin, stop searching for morals."
"But..."
"It's just an act. It doesn't need to have any reason or mean anything perverted... Unless you want it to... Hm?" A sharp eye was handed to his friend. Seishin's released a muffled groan. Fingers hid his lips, as if fearing any further invasion and at the same time, covering up a flood of emotions: guilt, shame and craving. Toshio noticed, how Seishin's lips quivered behind that stealthy hand. Satisfied, he turned around, leaning his elbows on the crooked barrier. "I was fooling around. No harm done, right?"
"So you want to tell me, this is how you deal with stress?"
"Kind of? Serious relationships are a bother. I have a lot on my plate already."
"Uhm..."
"I don't want any other confinements latching me to Sotoba."
"But then..."
"You won't be a part of Sotoba. By the time we'll start studying, this will be under the bridge." He tapped ash down the railing. There was a creak from where he leaned his side. Seishin tensed at the noise, but Toshio turned to him, none-the-wiser. "What do you say?"
"This is preposterous."
"I know. I also know you need me, just as much as I need you... Unlike me, you won't admit it."
Seishin frowned. At that Toshio clicked his teeth. On cue, his back leaned over the railing, onto the gaping stadium below. Toshio's cigarette fell first. The burnt bud flickered into life one last time, before scattering ash in adieu. Toshio's arm followed suit, drifting beneath the breeze, aimless strings flew beside his frame. The barrier released another creak at such disrespect and Seishin gaped. In the next instant he gripped the brunet's shoulder.
"Toshio!" He pushed the other back and onto stable ground. The man stumbled with a giggle, that laughter only heightened, when Seishin yelled at him. "Have you gone mad?!"
"I told you!"
"What!"
"I told you! You care for me more than you'd like to admit. Besides I wasn't going to fall, I'm not that stupid." He waved a hand at Seishin, before that same hand patted a drenched shoulder. Toshio shivered instinctively. "Huh, we should get inside. I'm freezing."
Seishin gave a simple nod. That was all he could afford at that moment. Adrenaline coursed through his system and his heartbeat stung. Worrying his lip, the man watched Toshio walk towards the entrance. That languid pace seemed to harbor little remorse. In fact, Toshio probably thought very little about this, he had other, more prominent things to worry about... The silver-haired male could only imagine, how the Ozaki household nagged him to and fro, Toshio had never seen eye to eye with his father and supposedly, their relationship plummeted even further. Was Toshio looking for comfort? In that case, this was a ridiculously roundabout way... Seishin did not have the guts to ask.
Shakily, he inhaled the remnants of the cigarette...
He really did not want to...
His mind justified such impulsivity with Toshio's words, something about not wasting the tobacco. He couldn't disobey that behind his back... If that was what Toshio had said. Details of this meet-up glazed over, like stale snippets from weeks ago. That could be. The rain had stolen both a sense of time and reality. It morphed their surroundings into a surrealistic patchwork. That feeling surprisingly melded together with that euphoric smell of tobacco... Both were just stupid whims - whims, Seishin did not wish to detach from, not yet...
In the next moment, Toshio turned around. A blurry face mouthed something and those words - whatever they were - forced Seishin to snuff out the remaining cigarette. He lined himself with Toshio's lazy steps afterwards.
A quiet drizzle followed their retreat.
X X X
"Are you not hungry?" Sunako asked one night. "Seishin?"
The aforementioned man blinked back at her. Before long a jolt broke his tensed frame, it also woke him up from a trance. Eyes mopped any and all remaining blotches to reveal Sunako, sitting opposite him at the small dining table in their kitchen. The auburn wood contrasted with the grey walls. Similarly pale elbows were propped on that table, hands supporting Sunako's chin. Seishin stammered out at last.
"S-sorry, I lost you there for a second."
"That's okay. Take your time."
"Ah." Seishin tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose. As he did that, he caught an edge of a bento box. Chopsticks laid on top of it. Baffled, the man's hand fell. "Did I ask, where you got this from?"
"Not yet. Hm, I went on a hunt a few hours ago. That person had a hefty wallet, so I took a bit off his savings, before sending him off... You'd be surprised, how many vending machines there are on that side of town."
"You really shouldn't do that."
"The food's on the table. You should not complain. If you don't drink blood, then at least eat more." Her fingers waved in the air. "I heated it too, so eat, before it gets cold... Uhm. Thank you for the meal." She said hastily, before placing her palms in a prayer. A side of Seishin's lips twitched upwards. That gesture looked misplaced in their current condition - a pointless cling to tradition. As old as Sunako was, she still respected customs of her own choice, then again, maybe this was a ploy for his sake. Was she trying to thread a line with his past, find a connection with what she had witnessed prior? Was this masked sympathy? He silently mimicked her gesture, before tearing apart the wooden chopsticks. A resolute crack ruptured the silence. For a while that sound drifted along the room, until Seishin deemed his mind too crowded to sit idle. He looked up.
"Sunako... Are you doing this because of what happened yesterday?"
"No. This is just a distraction..." The girl forced a smile. "I figured you needed it..."
"Is that so?"
"Ah. You eat very little these days."
This could have been an act of kindness, as guilty as it painted Seishin in the end. He thanked her with a gentle nod.
X X X
He had to make those ends meet. 'How?' - was the question, which his mind countered with stagnancy every time and every time he failed to find an answer.
How in the world had pandering to petty whims made him so needy?
It was infuriating. Seishin used to pride himself as being able to mask his feelings, to keep them in shackles, and pacify whatever erupted... Yet nowadays some of those emotions had thrown themselves out, in public no less.
One of those instances happened a few days ago. He had been heading to class, when a familiar snicker paused him. That throaty timbre could be recognized anywhere, especially with how loud the other laughed - harsh, similar to a strike of thunder. Toshio's class had been lounging in that classroom apparently. Seishin peeked inside, secretly hoping to meet his friend, spare a simple wave, and to see the other smile sheepishly in return, perhaps that gesture would coax Toshio into accompanying Seishin to the rooftop again - that second part was misplaced. He was daydreaming at this point. Toshio's smile will suffice. It will give Seishin a pinch of unearthed vigor, a flutter in his heart, and most importantly the strength to carry on, at least until they'll finally find the time to talk properly...
Inside the classroom he noticed Toshio chatting with a dark-haired girl, who swung her legs below the desk. For some reason, as if some gods blew a whiff of awareness, Toshio scratched his neck, then turned around. Seishin ducked behind the door. Without a minute to spare he marched towards the end of the corridor, wishing, that Toshio would not follow him. That time he didn't. After school, when they had miraculously caught the same bus, Toshio plopped down into the seat right next to him. Seishin felt his palms getting sweaty. The fact, that their commuting bus had a faulty air conditioner and no windows, that could be opened, did not help any. Seniors loitered in the front seats, while they shared the pair in the back, right next to grimy windows and scribbled walls. Toshio peered at him, indiscreetly. His eyes roved around every contour, as if recreating his frame anew. Finally, there came a smirk.
"So that's how a jealous Seishin looks like."
Only then did the silver-haired man notice, how his jaw had been locked and face grimaced for who knew how long. Saying that, it felt heavenly to let his shoulders drop.
Today he found himself blessed with the other's company again.
Seishin followed Toshio, who carried a cardboard container from the post office down in Shita-Sotoba. It was a package for Takae. Seishin did not know, what was inside, and he doubted, Toshio cared enough to read the actual label or to inquire his mother.
They went along the Omi River. A fresh breeze accompanied them, ruffling the fallen leaves in their path. One might think the weather was puffing up pillows and arranging bedding for the upcoming chill. The river rippled, carrying along loose branches. Their destination was the same inertia; ducks however swam against that pestering current. They were the ones opposing this preparation, while Seishin and Toshio walked opposite them. Subconsciously, they neared the same merciless winter.
"Thanks for the company." Toshio smiled.
"No problem, I needed a walk."
"Heh. That's true. I can't remember the last time I went out to Sotoba. It's always just the school and the clinic..."
"I understand."
"Haa. It's even harder to believe the university applications have started already."
"Oh." Seishin's fingers fervently picked at a stray button of his grey coat. The hand quickly delved into the pocket, like a scared rabbit after. At least it was warm there... Truth be told, if it weren't for Toshio, Seishin would have forgotten about those applications for another week (passively closing in on the deadline with every said week). His parents were particularly silent, maybe they believed he'd passed that hurdle. After all, if he'll inherit his father's position, college studies will not be as important as the training after.
"What's with the oh?" Toshio threw a raised eyebrow. "Have you looked up anything?"
"Not yet."
"Hmm..." He breathed out into a black scarf, before raising his chin. "Father wants me to apply to Fukuoka... or Nagasaki. He thinks a bigger city equals better education - the moron."
"Where do you want to study yourself?"
"As far away from Sotoba."
"Ah."
"That way I won't have to listen to them day in and day out." Toshio huffed out. The box jiggled, strangled inside his armpit, like some slain prey. He continued onwards, fixing his grip and evading the cracks in their path, while Seishin slowed down. Toshio's wishes were respected. Still, Seishin's mind sat repulsed at the inevitable change and at the fact, Toshio accepted it so readily. Rarely anything molded in Seishin's palms. Neither his future, nor Toshio were some pieces of clay to be played with... Yet how he wished... In a false dream, Seishin had seen himself grasping a shimmer in a palm, that light proved to be nothing but dust.
He still craved it... Despite better judgment, he had grown greedy.
Resolutely, Seishin sucked on his bottom lip, before addressing Toshio.
"We don't have much time left, do we?" The latter gave a lazy side-glance. Seishin lowered his head with a tiny smile underneath. "Before long we'll have to separate."
"And? Our parents won't go anywhere, so naturally we'll come back from time to time."
"Toshio, that's... U-uhm..." Seishin quieted down, while his palms clenched at his shins. He should not have spoken. Toshio was playing with him. He said so back then. There was no expectation and no future to whatever their relationship had become... Then again, Toshio would argue and say that nothing has changed...
'Nothing should have changed, Seishin.'
He sucked on a quivering lip, praying it would cease to meddle. He already said too much.
"Seishin?" Toshio paused. Impulsively, the silver-haired male faced away.
"I-it's nothing."
"You won't fool me. What's the matter?"
A foreign tug on a lower sleeve forced Seishin to hunch his shoulders. Faint pulls were repeated, they reminded him of a needy child. Regardless, as much as Toshio wished for the other turn back, Seishin couldn't. The silver-haired man felt his face become heated, then again he knew, if he'd face Toshio, he'd have to talk and that would result in more shame and further misunderstanding.
"Seishin..." Toshio frowned in the end. Words tumbled out uncertain. "Do you want a cigarette?"
A bitter smirk landed on Seishin's lips. To think, that they started associating such a thing with stress relief, but then again it was only first of the two. If Toshio was suggesting that, it won't take long for him to voice the second option. Seishin shook his head. He did not want that said out loud, given prominence, especially in Sotoba. Shamefully, he lowered his head, while sweaty fingers caught Toshio's, gave them a shaky squeeze.
"Please..."
"Okay." Throughout a wildly beating heart, Seishin could imagine Toshio's soft expression. The latter added in a whisper. "Not here though. Come on."
Toshio led him over the bridge, where the Kagura stage and the Shinto shrine were located. Throughout the walk Seishin kept their hands locked, whilst Toshio's rested, limp. Oddly enough that gesture caused a cold scurry. Seishin shivered inwardly. He could have been holding onto a lifeline or constructing one out of the other with both of them remaining ignorant.
Was Toshio willing?
That question remained lodged into his mind, as if staked there, once he leaned against the back of the Shinto shrine. The mossy wood met his backbone. Chill gladly seeped inside, similar to a traversing plague. In this position he faced the mountainous forest. The nameless firs - rebuilt gravestones - stared at him, fiery, as they were graced by the setting sun. Thirty years after a person's death, the grave marker was taken off and a fir tree planted in its place. Sotoba had been protected and perceived by these mountains - an ever watchful eye. With such a tradition, it became hard to say, whether he faced a natural extension or hidden corpses. Seishin dispelled a shiver. In compensation warm hands slithered towards his cheek. Like a resolute stream, they glided down his shoulder, caressed the boney structure there, as if memorizing an ageless bed of rocks. On instinct Seishin's own hands pulled Toshio closer. An involuntary breath escaped the silver-haired male, then his thumbs brushed through Toshio's cheeks, his jawline. Timidly they did so, as if treading on an unfamiliar path, or welcoming a deity's sanctity, still unsure about their kindness. What he held was a miracle. Seishin kissed him. The latter's lips barely made a parting, before Seishin forced himself inside. Craving. Feverishly, his mind screamed, that he needed to preserve Toshio and this beauty... Thus he had to swallow it all. An intoxicating feeling. It made Seishin feel lightheaded. Desire remained. His fingers undid Toshio's scarf. After having freed the neck, spread fingers coaxed the warm throat, contaminated the flesh underneath, squeezed it out of sickish curiosity. It didn't belong to anyone, and if it did, Seishin wanted a reaction, a reprimand. There, where he pressed against Toshio's throat, he felt a thick swallow. Quietly, the brunet's hands scratched Seishin's scalp, which rested against the wall. The movements were light, uncertain, afraid even...
That made Seishin frightfully let go of the other's throat.
He was using Toshio this way, wasn't he?
Even after having caught onto that, Seishin did not stop, as his arms stiffly looped around the other's shoulders. He strained his mind from faltering any further. In this state the silver-haired male drowsily listened to the last chirps of cicadas and the ruffling trees, an occasional creak from their swaying limbs. Nature cordially sang of decades past, of an eternity beyond them. For a moment Seishin envied their longevity, prayed it would somehow rain on him and Toshio, would spare them a lick of peace, however that thought was quickly scattered. Foreign voices arose, then footsteps.
Seishin muttered.
"We should get inside."
Toshio gave a bare nod, before the two of them entered the Shinto shrine.
Toshio could have said something during that pause... He should have spoken, maybe set boundaries to the whole charade. Seishin had hurt him... Instead Toshio's silence stood for a million doubts and fears. A whole mountain could be erected from them alone. Seishin would unconsciously wade through those theories later on, yet he'd never know the truth, would never figure out the damage done or apologize for it. On another thought, he could justify such reasoning. Silence was easier - a gentle deity. It concealed the truth and with the same cloth spared one from embarrassment, memory, from hurt both physical and mental.
He understood that, yet how he wished Toshio would speak.
X X X
Years have passed since then...
A notice of Toshio's marriage had reached the temple.
Seishin vaguely recalled the other mentioning a woman, he'd dated back in college. Seishin wasn't sure, whether it was the same one... Toshio had dated a lot of people. Most of those relationships were brief and uncommitted. The wedding was done in Mizobe. Saying that, the ceremony was brief; merely paper work. Seishin smiled knowingly. It was just like Toshio to pull such a stunt. He was prone to bending Sotoba's traditions. The junior monk always envied that trait, since he could never shake expectations off his own back. With years those shackles piled up. The temple and the mountains isolated him fully now...
Seishin stood on the front steps of the temple grounds, while a blank gaze regarded the village. The lower Sotoba looked like a foggy dream from this view. It fit into his palms, minuscule and fragile, yet so loud at the same time... Seishin was an odd name whispered in-passing, in bewilderment or gossip between the townsfolk. He did not belong there. He wouldn't go there.
All of that had been his fault...
Inside this self-imposed isolation Seishin fed his mind with a myriad of daydreams, a stray hope, a whimsical wish or two. It made it bearable, in the very least made him forget. Sometimes it worked the other way around, as if rewinding a cassette. There was a remedy for that... So, Seishin admitted, that he fared rather well.
He still thought of Toshio...
And on one of those days, as if summoned by the rising winds, the young doctor stumbled upon the temple's entrance. For an uncounted moment Seishin stared at him bewildered, broom frozen in his grip. He wasn't sure, whether he was dreaming. The gathered leaves had scattered by then, Seishin's mind - along with them. Toshio cocked an eyebrow in the meantime.
"What's the matter? Are you not happy to see me?"
"N-no. It's a surprise." He stepped back falteringly, while Toshio sat down on the step right beside Seishin. Apparently, he disregarded the dampness of the stone or the fact that it was once again Autumn. His grey coat was wide open and underneath that was nothing but a t-shirt. Seishin exhaled sadly, unable to voice that complaint. Toshio wouldn't listen anyway. In a moment's notice a grunt flew out from the doctor.
"I came back last night. I thought you already knew, the whole damn village was singing."
"Ah..." Seishin tilted his head to the side.
"So you didn't know. It's strange... When I asked about you, they told me you turned into a complete shut-in."
That wasn't true. Was it? Seishin knit his brows. Then again why would Toshio listen to passing rumors? Was everyone saying that? Metaphorically tearing off a thread, his mind went into a hysteric rummage. His heart rate increased, muscles tensed. Soon after that Toshio turned his head up, handing the other a shimmering, yet wistful smile...
Oh, he had missed those...
He missed the other's company, his voice and opinions... Flailing fingers were clenched at the front, exposed. His suggestion flew out unheeded - a purely indulgent plea.
"Toshio, why don't we go inside? I could brew you some tea, if you'd like."
"That would be wonderful."
Soon they sat down near a low coffee table. The room had the shouji opened into a withering garden. A thermos with herbal tea was pushed into the middle of the fir table, although that was solely for Toshio. Seishin had water. It wouldn't do him good, mixing herbs with antidepressants. As he quickly swallowed the dosage, he prayed Toshio would spare him the curiosity. The monk's thoughts were in a disarray... If he won't take them now, he won't take them until the late evening and that will only cause more problems.
The medication was a loose prescription from a doctor in Mizobe, whose name Seishin couldn't remember anymore... It happened right after the suicide attempt. Details were blurry. He figured, that maybe mother insisted, he'd take them for a while, see how it goes. The doctor reluctantly wrote down a prescription. Initially, the physician wanted, that Seishin would stay in the psychiatry sector. That idea had been thrown out the window. Seishin could not recall why and so he had been left with drugs, that he often neglected, and that upset his stomach, as a petty revenge. It had been months now. He figured mother must have forgotten about those - as none of them had been in their right minds back then.
As he downed a glass of water, he caught Toshio's stare from an edge of his eye. A chilled shiver wrecked his backbone. Toshio's worried voice reverberated there.
"What is that?"
"Medicine."
"Are you ill?"
"It's just a cold."
"Huh... The weather can be annoying these days." He chuckled. "I had caught a sore throat in Fukuoka a week ago... Hey, do you mind, if I smoke here?"
"I don't mind."
On instinct the doctor took out a packet. With a single click the tobacco had erupted and now freely tickled Seishin's nose. The latter's fingers tapped the glass in his hold, gathered the condensation on the edge in a slow caress - a distraction. Only after a few minutes, Seishin noticed, what he was doing. His awareness was slowing down, apparently. That meant the drug had merrily waltzed into his system... Now there was space for only one thought - he wholeheartedly missed that smell. Seishin could not ask for a cigarette... He probably did not want to either. What he craved were the memories, associated with tobacco, memories of Toshio, of their time together... And a false sense of belonging.
"Hah. This place is really reminiscent. I forgot how strong the smell of incense was here." Toshio quipped. "That takes me back..."
Seishin gave a light nod in agreement.
"The shrines in the city are a lot different. Back in August-" Toshio went on, tapping his ash off in a stray plate. Seishin's head remained tipped to the side. He barely recognized, that his mind drifted. He didn't mean to. Whatever Toshio said after, came out in an undistinguished murmur, no better than the ruffle of firs outside. That voice became a monotone, a compressed lullaby of sorts. It lulled him, coaxed his muscles to relax. His head became heavy.
"Seishin, are you listening? You look, as if you're about to fall asleep." Toshio snickered. Seishin blinked at him. Wearily, he shifted and as he did so, nausea crept under his tongue. It felt, as if a log had fallen and blocked off his trachea. He gave a timid glance at the doctor.
"Ah, s-sorry about that. I didn't have enough sleep."
"Huh, so you're still ignoring your rest? That's going to bite you in the end."
"Yeah. Give me a minute, I'll be right back."
That minute might have extended into a few. Saliva trickled down his parted mouth, while his vision threateningly blurred at the edges. Nausea hadn't passed, evidently a scent of acid rested inside his mouth as well. Was there an intention to burn his tongue off? Would that do any good? Wet fingers gripped the edge of the toilet, irritated, before being forced down his throat, tickling, pushing into the end of his tongue, gagging himself. That act served as penance, silent retaliation. He couldn't deliver their expectations, he couldn't get over Toshio. It was all so worthless! He had to get it out!
Nausea will pass... It'll pass. All of it will one day.
He panted into the toilet after. With a sore throat and tears in his eyes, he questioned the pink petals mixed in with his stomach fluids. Akizakura...
Seishin remained hopeful... Hopes and daydreams were all he had back then.
X X X
And he nourished those even now.
He stood in the middle of a river. Leaves and mossy branches decorated its surface, whilst the murky liquid went up to his waist. The water had appeared cold at first, now it mildly splashed at his skin, similar to a myriad of feathers. The moon illuminated patches of the water. On a whim the ripples glinted, reminiscent of pearls, yet housing no solid form, discouraged, they dissolved upon any curious contact. The moon seemed to be just as capricious. Its radiance was gifted solely to the river, while shadowy woods reigned on either shore. Seishin could barely see them. Of course, there was that pale shimmer in contrast, so tiny, so delicate, pallid and as ivory, as the stars above. Even if the shiki was not as pure or accepted in her way of existing, she remained - an epitome of grace. Sunako must have gathered the moon's spark and greedily adopted it onto herself, constructing a pair of wings. That should explain, why she was so livid tonight. Seishin smiled wistfully. His attention returned to the smell of algae, the timid breeze, then how his soles waded through mounts of sand underneath.
In this moment he allowed himself to forget... Forgetfulness must have been a sin, since in the next moment, the man convulsed into a palm. A pair of sickly coughs escaped him. A trail of blood, an undistinguished stem followed suit and plummeted into the river. Seishin watched, as the blood morphed into uneven strings. It continued to waltz in separate directions. Inside that greenish water his blood appeared nearly black, abysmal, rotten perhaps... It wasn't supposed to look that way. Seishin licked the remnants off his lower lip, when another dry cough interrupted him.
His time was overdue... Was that it?
"Seishin?" A worried tone reached his ear. Instinctively his arms dove into the water. In hiding they rubbed each other, while the man answered.
"I'm okay, Sunako."
"It happened again?"
"Ah..." Seishin wasn't sure, what else was there to say. This conversation had been exhausted once before, and yet Sunako paused in front of him with hands wrung near her bare chest. "There's nothing to be done, not now anyway."
He threw her a glance, noticed, how the female's brows slowly furrowed.
"But you're still suffering."
"I'll get used to it. I lived with this... thing long enough back then. I guess, I should not have wished to get another body after death."
"True..."
"What was it you said that night? Acceptance?"
"Ah." Sunako's eyes followed Seishin's movements, how his hand rose to rub at the throat. He swallowed a couple of times. It relieved her to know, that he had taken her advice, but that was not the primary wish. Her fingers gripped onto his wrist. A lifeline. "You could still talk, share your pain with me..."
"There are pasts better left alone."
"Y-yes," She faltered. It stung, hearing Seishin mimic her own words. "But not something that's actively damaging."
"It's always been a chronic disease. Nothing has changed with that."
"It did. You're not human, Seishin. You barely understand what it means to live an eternity or to suffer for so long... Alone..."
"Sunako..."
"I understand you may never let him go, but that's not a reason you should hide yourself from me." Her fingers slid down his wrist, caught his palm in a frail grasp. "I had loved others before you, and there are... certain s-scars I've yet to lick clean... You are not supposed to go through this alone. Let me help you. Let me walk beside you at the very least. There may come a day, where I won't be there for you anymore... And vice versa."
"You make it sound like a threat..."
"I'm only theorizing." A frail snicker shook Sunako's shoulders. She sucked on her lips briefly after. "Truthfully, I could not bear, if something were to happen to you, Seishin. You're all I have. Loneliness is close to a plague for a shiki. That's how I understand it. So..."
"So you won't let me go, even if I begged you?" Seishin ventured weakly. Something had gotten stuck in his throat, but more than that, he found a speck of hollowness in her words. Something pinched a memory and he clawed at that itch.
She shook her head.
"Never."
"Just like you begged me back in Sotoba..."
"U-uhm."
As if summoned, there rose the burning church and Sunako's plea to end her life. It all spiraled upwards like ash. Seishin closed his eyes.
"There may come a day, when one of us will gather that resolve again."
"Then... Then at least we'll go together."
"Or prolong our existence." Seishin countered. He saw, how Sunako's lower lip twitched unsavory. Her eyes became clouded and Seishin guessed, the memories, he had forced open. Both of them had been aware of their questionable cowardice even back then. An eternity could very well turn into a fervid cycle, if it hadn't already in Sunako's case. There were certain thoughts, like itches from scars, that would never come off - especially a tendency for one's own destruction. They were cursed. Certainly, the more one would live, the more hardships they'd face. No amount of reasoning or hope, support, or understanding will calm that wave, and it will eat at their shore again and again, until their wretched existence will rest below. Seishin knit his brows. For how long were they supposed to suffer? What about Sunako? How many such hardships had she endured? She should not have to suffer from his selfishness. Uncertainly, his hand rose, wavered in the air, then patted Sunako's shoulder. Arms went around her damp back, frailly pulled her close. Seishin felt, that he had no right... Yet he had to mend this hole somehow. They were thrown into this sea together, and preferably together they will drown, if fate will be so merciful. "I'm sorry, Sunako..."
The female shook her head against him. It made Seishin hide his face on her crown, ashamed. That emotion churned, eliminating his awareness. The remaining night had slipped off his mind.
Before he knew it, dawn had tipped over the sky. Her usually lavish greeting was postponed and instead rain pelted against their high roof. Seishin melded into that sound. He kept dozing off every few minutes, as if his consciousness had operated on faulty wirework. Sunako had mentioned, that he'd been feverish. Ignorant to that fact, he laid there long after she had fallen asleep.
On that thought, his eyes skipped to the right. The shiki rested, motionless, curled on her side in-between a pile of blankets, though most of them had been crumpled underneath her. The mornings had grown chilly nowadays, concurrently lines of condensation hung inside the gaps in their walls and in-between the kitchen windows. Seishin pursed his lips. Mechanically, he reached out to pull the leftover blanket over Sunako's shoulders. The shiki's frame tilted and the man briefly straightened her comatose position, careful not to disturb her. She wouldn't wake, would not feel the cold, yet he still treated her as a human being. Perhaps... Perhaps Seishin himself had wished to reconcile with the past? He'd throw a bone towards damp ashes, expecting a gentle deity to arise. Maybe she would reward his kindness somehow... Anyhow...
If that deity would erase his guilt over Sotoba, his doubts, his lingering affection - all or a single one... Was he asking for too much? Back then, he would have off-handedly locked all of those emotions away and waited-prayed for a brighter day. Now there was a pinch of desperation. It coiled inside his stomach mercilessly.
'Ah, what was the root, pray, tell?'
Seishin sat up and his hands on instinct clenched the duvet before him.
He couldn't have told her...
That evening he had seen a higanbana. A crimson blossom, spiraled and pathetic, sank into the river. It came from him. It pronounced a death, whose he did not know.
He couldn't have told her...
That fear had slowly morphed into a resolve. Seishin wholly ate his guilt and gave it a false name, a purpose, a need...
He couldn't have told her...
In accordance with those thoughts, his shoulders tensed. A dreadful chill entered the room unannounced, and the wind whispered, maniacally lapping onto surrounding branches. The gust's murmurs gradually took shape.
"Seishin..." A familiar voice ran through his back like needles. "Are you in there?"
Those words circled, similar to a pack of bees, in search of a nest. It became unbearable. Seishin gathered himself, shakily pulled on a grey yukata and stepped outside with a pounding head. Instinctively, his arm stretched out, lying flat against the wooden boards. The dank structure supported his wavering frame. Moss tickled his fingers, whilst a piercing chill mocked his efforts of standing in such a state. Seishin cared little, thankful he had something to hold on to instead.
Five years had passed since Sotoba. He couldn't have ended up here of all places.
Seishin swallowed, then timidly lifted his eyes from the cement threshold to make sure. Far away bloody remains were splattered. Bright stains littered the sky near the woods, carelessly spilling themselves onto the clouds and below the horizon. Seishin shivered at the sight. In his mind, the rest of it held on by a last thread, waiting for the final moment all would plummet. End... Besides that crimson massacre, there laid a foggy rest. Unsuspecting, it mingled with the woods and ran down a giant cliff, which had been isolated by a railing. The construction looked rusted. Seishin swore he had never seen it before. His further surprise went to the lonesome man, leaning there. With carelessly crossed legs the latter overlooked the crumbling macabre, the crying sky - if it could be called that way.
A flicker.
Tobacco reached Seishin's nose. He called out, as if drawn out by a thread.
"Toshio, get away from there."
"Oh. I didn't hear you come out." The doctor turned. Toshio was reminiscent of his former self: with a senile lab coat and a cigarette in hand. Eyes skipped over Seishin's meek attire, before his voice followed deliberately. "It's been a while, Seishin."
"What... What are you doing-"
"I'm enjoying the view, nothing more and nothing less. The nature seems violent this morning. Hungry. It's rather marvelous... Isn't it?" He puffed out smoke. Those threads twirled, then fell in line with the fog, as if angered snakes. Seishin wobbly came closer in the meantime. On instinct hands caught the railing, handing his weight on a steadier ground. A foggy pit opened up before him. Seishin shook his head at it, aware of how Toshio eyed him.
"This doesn't make sense."
"Seishin, do you remember what I said? Stop searching for answers, for morals, well, either goes... Do you want a smoke?" A sheepish grin. "No? Hmm, are you still pushing me away then? You didn't miss me?"
"I-I missed you, I always did." Seishin's throat had gone dry.
"Really... And do you realize, it was your fault?"
"It was my fault."
"You left me."
"Y-yes..."
"Without a second thought, you walked out on me, on the village, on your parents... Was it worth it? Are you happy now, that it's all over?"
"I..."
"Say it."
"I'm sorry..."
"Go on."
"I shouldn't have... I-I should have died back then."
"Close enough..." The doctor tapped the ash down the crater and Seishin gulped, after having spun that answer in his head.
"Did... Did you come here to kill us, Toshio?"
"Not quite. I think the path you chose is worse than death. An end would be a blessing right now and sadly I can't meddle, where I'm not needed... Besides..." He leaned closer. "Despair suits you, don't you think? It'll give you time to repent." A smirk decorated Toshio's lips, while he peered up close at Seishin. The latter clutched the iron bar, feeling chipped paint tear at his skin, and Toshio reached out to push a stray hair from Seishin's eyes in that pause. "I missed that face of yours... You can't hide yourself as much as you used to, hm? So while we're talking, care to feed your pet?"
He gave Toshio a raised eyebrow. The doctor pointed up front. There the crimson substance plummeted, like a waterfall down the crater, pulsing slightly in uneven blotches - those must have been still alive and disposed of all the same, needless, resigned... Seishin smirked bitterly. What was Toshio asking of him? Any external help would simply glide over at this point. Nothing could be done. Worst of all was nature's treatment or lack thereof, as this willful perish was called a natural progression or erosion. Desperation piled inside of Seishin, close to overflowing. He couldn't stand that. Toshio waved his cigarette soon.
"Come on. It's dying already."
"Then why does it matter?"
"For closure."
"That doesn't matter!" Seishin grimaced. "I loved you, Toshio, I'll never forget you, or forgive myself for what happened. I can't change the past."
"You can't change that... But I can change your perception."
"Why would-"
"Listen, I always knew of your feelings. You weren't as secretive as you believed."
"What?" Seishin felt something snap inside him.
"I chose to ignore them, and you knew the reason behind that... I thought distance would sever those feelings. After all, you deserved someone, who actually cared... Maybe I should have put you down right from the start, huh, or maybe I shouldn't have shown interest in the first place..? That way, at least one problem could have been solved. I can see you tended to that garden..." Toshio clicked his teeth at the sight. The wind picked up, rushed past them in a whistle. "How foolish of you, Seishin... Loving a man, who used you as a playing ground."
There was a hideous crack somewhere. It carried a metallic twinge on its back, before being forged into a desperate cry. Neither of the men commented on it. That lonesome sound remained as an unspoken itch. It gnawed at Seishin's ribcage, constricting his chest with every upcoming inhale, like a metronome. With its march the jinrou fervently accustomed to the information given, buried it, preserved it for a brighter mind.
The doctor smiled in the end.
"If I wouldn't have told you that, you probably would have lived on with a lie."
"Lies can be gentle."
"Ah." The cigarette fell off into the abyss. Seishin's eyes caught onto that smoldered bud, before it disappeared down below. Fearfully, he turned to Toshio, who swayed with elbows propped at the railing. Those movements seemed impatient. With a bated breath, he waited for the doctor to speak. Toshio clicked his teeth before long. "I think I ruined you enough."
"Toshio, please... Can't you stay?" Impulsively Seishin grabbed onto the other's arm. His clutch shivered. The headache came back with a hideous throb soon. Fear overrode those. More than anything Seishin wished for Toshio's company and yet a remorseful gaze met him. The doctor shook his head.
"You're not doing too good and we're running out of time."
"Please..."
"Think of what I've told you." Toshio raised his voice. "With the state you're in, we'll meet again one day. You see? Every end is a soil for birth." His head tilted at the wall of blood. That patchwork fell over one another, guzzling each pulsing vein down with a new batch of vomit, of sickness. It hurried, crying, pleading and still choosing death as a primary answer. The sky languidly cleared off those stains. A bitter smirk struck Toshio. "I'm curious, what will come out of that womb."
Covertly, a tear rolled down Seishin's cheek... He regarded the churning process, when the metal barrier suddenly shook. Toshio stood upon it, barely balancing and shaking his hands in the air for good measure. Once Seishin noticed, what the other was doing, he stretched out his hand. It was too late. Toshio fell, leaving a gentle smile as an adieu.
Seishin's voice never reached him.
X X X
"Seishin..." She whispered carefully one night, as the other reclined in their makeshift bed. A tray with another heated bento met his vision. It was placed upon his knees. "You never told me what happened to you."
"I'm not so sure myself." His voice came out groggy from a parched throat. Soon enough Seishin's hand rose to massage the rotten flesh around his neck. It sunk sickly under such ministrations, as lymph leaked out. Hopefully, Sunako won't see that from this angle. It wouldn't help any, if she'd start worrying even more. The fact, that Seishin had suddenly become bedridden will have to suffice. He'll figure something out eventually... For now, his eyes landed on the bento, he knew he couldn't eat. "I'm not sure..."
"Really?"
"Ah... Thank you for the meal."
-X-X-X-
A/N: How many times have I written Seishin as smoking cigarettes now, I'm baffled... Main inspiration for this fic was a song: "Shiki Miyoshino - Hanahaki Syndrome" and the fact, that I had never written with this trope.