Chapter 3
After around five more minutes of waiting, Marie and May had obtained their lunches from the counter, and proceeded to make their way out into the field of tables, arranged into rows along the length of the large room. After a few moments of searching, the girls had located an empty table, and had began the process of consuming their meals.
Thirty seconds passed, at which point May took notice of Lee and Lindsay entering the cafeteria through the wooden doors. The eccentric girl quickly raised her hand into the air, waving to alert her friends of their location, at which point the duo made their way towards the table.
Despite Mays apparent lack of table manners, there was one thing she did not condone when it came to eating: talking with ones mouth full. Accordingly, she swallowed the large helping of syrup covered pancakes she had shoved into her mouth prior to engaging the girls in conversation.
"Hey you too!" said May in a playful manner, "Glad to see you finally made it! Have a seat, we got plenty."
"No thanks, I'm stuffed," said Lee as she took a seat at the table, with Lindsay following suit, "But I'm happy to see you got your fill of that inedible garbage you love so much for some reason."
"Hey, don't knock it till you try it!" yelled May as she promptly shoved another whole pancake into her mouth, much to the surprise and shock of L squared.
"Ummmm...I'll pass," said Lindsay with an expression of disgust, "But speaking of food, me and LeeLee are planning a sick buffet for the barbecue at my house tomorrow! My Grampy is coming over to help my dad put the finishing touches on the new pool. With those two working side by side it will definitely be ready by tomorrow so everyone bring your cutest bathing suit!"
At the conclusion of her statement, Lindsay glanced across the table towards the two youngest Kanker sisters.
"You guys are coming to my pool party...right?" asked Lindsay.
May adopted a smile as she literally swallowed her pancake whole.
"You bet!" said May, "Me and Ed have been looking forward to it all week!"
Marie elected not to respond to Lindsay's question, instead she continued to use her plastic knife separate her hot cakes into smaller pieces.
Lee gazed upon her little sister with a sardonic expression, quite annoyed with her apparent ignorance.
"Marie," said Lee, "Somebody asked you a question."
Marie continued to focus on her food, continuing to ignore Lee's question, causing her sister to take more proactive measures.
"Annemarie Eve," said Lee in a stern manner. The action of referring to her sisters by their full first and middle name in a strict manner was known since childhood as a signal that Lee was serious in her demeanor; accordingly, Marie ceased her actions, and gazed upward to meet her older sisters eyes.
"Geez, I heard, I'm going!" said Marie, "I'm not a little kid, you don't have to get smart with me."
"If you act like a child I'm gonna treat you like a child," said Lee, "There's no excuse for being ignorant."
At that point, the familiar sound of the Peach Creek High fight song filled the air, emanating from the speakers of a wall-mounted television monitor. At the same time, the screen illuminated, displaying a large image of the schools coat of arms on an orange background.
"Uh oh," said May, "It looks like it's time for the morning announcements."
"Great," said Marie, "At least it's the last time we'll have to hear Principal Blomgren's annoying spiel until next year. I swear that whole Widdle channel news thing he came up with is just an excuse to hear himself talk, and give him time on a tv screen."
"Probably," said Lee, "But I have a hunch he'll have quite a surprising and entertaining show this morning. Plus he'll be announcing the summer reading, and I don't feel like reminding ya's about it all summer, so pay attention knuckleheads!"
Lee giggled playfully as she turned towards Lindsay, running her fingers through her hair as she did so.
"Listen" said Lee with a sly smile, "Regardless of what happens in the next minute or so, don't kill me!"
Lindsay stared at Lee with an air of confusion as the red head continued to giggle. Her gaze was soon broken by the sound of the principals voice, who had finally made his appearance on the television screen. All four girls turned towards the screen, giving their attention to the grey haired man as he began to speak:
Good morning students and staff of Peach Creek High School. Principal Blomgren here, keeping you all up to date with the latest news and events as always. I'm sure the only news of concern to all of you is that which you are all already aware of...the start of summer vacation!
Now I know you all are so excited for typical summer activities; trips to the beach and barbecues with the family come to mind. But let me assure you of the importance of preventing atrophy of your educational muscles during your two month absence from our beloved school. That being said, allow me to recite a poem that a teacher of mine read to me back in high school, a source of inspiration that eventually encouraged me to become the principal I am today.
As the principal donned his glasses in preparation for the reading of his beloved poem (ignorant to the fact that the entire student body had already turned their attention away from the television screens) Ed, Edd, Eddy and Rolf watched the telecast from the AV room on one of the schools cart mounted television sets, waiting for the perfect moment to execute their plan.
"Well boys," said Eddy as he turned to face the stage, "Twenty seconds to show time. You all set Rolfie boy?"
Rolf had taken his place standing in the front and center position of the stage, directly in front of the portable camera. The boy appeared a if he had just exited a sauna, with beads of sweat pouring down his face at an alarming rate.
"Rolf is not sure if the source of his sweat of shame is the bright lights, or the knots of nervousness in Rolf's stomach," said Rolf, "Rolf is frightened Ed boy."
"Calm down buddy," said Eddy as he adjusted the camera, "We gotcha covered, all's ya need to do is smile and move. When this is through, Lindsay will be begging you to be your lady! Don't sweat it...literally."
Eddy turned towards Double Dee, who had taken his place behind his pedal steel guitar on the left side of the stage.
"You all warmed up there Eighty-Eight Fingers Edward?" asked Eddy.
At the completion of Eddy's statement, Double Dee placed his finger picks on his right hand, and gripped the slide with his left. He proceeded to touch the slide to the strings, and began to pluck them with his right hand while manipulating the pitch with the slide. The result was a short, five second ditty, consisting of quick finger work and a series of three pitch bends.
"Ready and waiting Eddy," said Double Dee, "Though I still fail to see how this little stunt will lead to anything but disaster. I mean, just think..."
"Well it's too late to back out now," said Eddy, cutting Double Dee off as he stepped around toward the front of the camera, "Just play your heart out Tarzan, and don't let our love struck stud down, k?"
Double Dee sighed as Eddy positioned himself directly in front of the camera, preparing to introduce the unlikely Elvis impersonator behind him. He proceeded to adjust his lei, run his fingers through his hair, and adopt a sly, camera worthy grin. He then turned towards stage left, where Ed sat off camera at the main studio console. A mess of poorly spliced wires sat in front of the carefree boy, who giggled in a dopy manner while holding two separate wires in his left and right hand; the last splice required for the boys to intercept the principals show.
"Okay Ed," said Eddy in an exuberant manner as he suddenly pointed toward his friend, "ACTION!"
"Roger Roger!" yelled Ed as he delivered a salute with his right hand. He then proceeded to bring the two wires together, connecting the male and female connections with an audible click.
Back in the cafeteria, the four girls continued to portray the appearance of boredom as the principal continued to deliver his speech. Marie and May sat turned away from the television, focusing on consuming the remainder of their pancakes. Lindsay held her right hand out in front of her, staring at her pink nails as she meticulously ensured their proper, professional quality shape by filing them. As she did so, Lee inspected her cell phone; after noting the time, she placed her phone back in her pocket as she glanced toward her tall best friend. On the television monitor, the principal had completed his motivational poem, and had segued into his next topic.
Without further ado, I'm excited to announce the titles of the required summer reading for each grade. I cannot think of a better way to spend the summer. Just imagine yourself, lounging by the pool or on the beach, a glass of lemonade by your side immersed in the wonderful throws of...
The principal was not able to complete his sentence, for his image on the screen was temporarily replaced by white "visual snow"; at the same time, his monotonous voice ceased as the sound of static briefly filled the air. In a mere one second, the attention of the entire student body was given to the school news network broadcast; for the image of Eddy's witty face appeared on screen. The boy had donned a pair of sunglasses, and was smiling with a sly grin as he lifted the microphone to his lips
"Ladies and Gentlemen of Peach Creek High School," said Eddy as stepped slightly away from the camera, revealing his Hawaiian themed outfit. "Triple E productions has interrupted these announcements to make a little announcement of our own that we think you'll all enjoy!"
May, Marie, and Lindsay were drawn away from their activities at the sound of Eddy's unique and somewhat obnoxious voice. As Marie and May turned around, glancing up towards the television monitor, they decided to comment on the situation.
"Eddy?" asked Marie with confusion.
"Look Lee!" yelled May in her typically adenoidal voice, accidentally violating her own rule and spitting out chunks of pancake by mistake, "Your man's on TV!"
"Is that so?" asked Lee as she glanced upward towards the television, all the while displaying a cocky grin.
Taking notice of her besties's lack of surprise conceding the fact that Eddy had suddenly appeared on the school news network, and considering Lee's promise of surprise for her, Lindsay turned toward her friend with a playful scowl.
"LeeLee," said Lindsay in a stern manner, "What have you been hiding from me?"
"Patience Liz," said Lee.
Lindsay rolled her eyes and returned her focus to the television, at which point Eddy decided to continue with his introduction.
"Live from the AV Studio," said Eddy, "Triple E productions proudly brings you the following performance of a special Hawaiian themed tune, guaranteed to awaken the aloha spirit in each and every one of you! Without further ado, join us in welcoming the man of the hour to the stage. Born in a faraway land, but raised in Peach Creek, this earnest farm boy is going to sing a song straight from his heart. Please welcome to the stage, Rolf Juxaha."
"Ju-Jah!" said Double Dee, in a whisper register from off screen, correcting Eddy's mispronunciation of Rolfs uniquely spelled last name (Xhuxha).
At that point, Eddy slowly stepped off camera to reveal the tall, thin frame of Rolf, dressed in the manner of an Elvis impersonator, standing front and center behind the main microphone with a nervous expression. To his right, Double Dee had taken his place behind his pedal steel guitar, appearing to sweat bullets as he stood in the background of the shot. To Rolfs left, Ed had taken his place in the background as well, smiling dopily as he cradled a small bongo underneath his right arm.
"Oh God no," said Lindsay as she placed her face into her palm.
"Hey, our boyfriends are there too!" yelled May as she clasped her hands together, "My Ed's a movie star!"
"Alright Double Dee!" said Marie with a smile, "He's even more handsome on the tv screen!"
Lee continued to giggle, staring towards the stoic and increasingly anxious Lindsay as Rolf took hold of the microphone, and began to speak in a nervous manner.
"Hell...hello all," said Rolf, "I am called Rolf, and I will be performing a...how do you say, song of the heart dedicated to my angel with the hair as gold as the sun rays reflecting from the hairless scalp of Rolf's Great Nano. Rolfs Sweet Babushka...(Rolf slowed his speech in an effort to meticulously and successfully pronounce the following words)...Tiffany Lindsay Statorowski."
Upon seeing Rolf on the screen, and hearing her name as the subject of the performance, Lindsay adopted an expression of distress.
"This can't be happening." said Lindsay.
"Man I really gotta hand it to this guy," said Lee as she placed her hand on Lindsay's shoulder, "Pouring his heart out in front of the whole school like some kind of desperate guy from an eighties movie takes a lot of balls. There ain't no denying this guys dedication. When are ya gonna stop the hard to get bullshit and admit that you want some of the Rolfie boy?"
"I AM going to kill you for this," said Lindsay as she turned towards Lee with an expression of playful anger.
"Whatever," said Lee, "Just smile and enjoy your time in the spotlight, Sweet Babushka."
Lindsay placed her hand back into her palm, blushing heavily as she did so.
Back in the AV room, Eddy had taken his place behind the studios mixing console. He had cued up the vocal track for Rolf's lip sync, and decided it was finally time to commence the performance.
"Alright boys!" yelled Eddy from off camera, "Let's do this!"
Rolf swallowed nervously as he awaited Eddy's signal; simultaneously, Double Dee took the last opportunity for free use of his hands to dab a bead of sweat off of his forehead as Eddy counted off the start of the tune.
"Ah-One...Ah-Two...Ah one, two, ready go!" said Eddy.
At the conclusion of Eddy's count, Double Dee placed his hands on the pedal steel guitar, and began playing a funky pattern in the key of a; the opening melody to the song "Drop Baby Drop" by the Manao Company, a popular hit in Hawaii. As Double Dee played the sweet sounding melody, Ed began tapping his bongo to the beat of he music, providing a nice island sounding accent to Double Dees guitar.
Back in the cafeteria, the melody seemed to pique Lindsay's interest. The girl suddenly jarred upward, blushing as she stared at the television; quite surprised upon hearing the opening notes to one of her favorite songs. Lee simply sat with her arms folded, staring at her friend out of the corner of her eye with a smile.
After three bars of the introduction, the time for the inclusion of the vocal track was imminent. Eddy, recognizing this fact, placed his hand on the console play button, his intent being to activate playback of the CD he had burned the previous night. However, much to his misfortune, pressing the play button did not produce the intended result; instead of playing the smooth sounding vocals of a professional singer, the cd drive emitted a pop and began to emit a small quantity of grey smoke.
"Uh oh," said Eddy as he continuously pressed the play button in a failed attempt to restore functionality of the drive, "Come on...stupid piece of junk!"
Double Dee observed his friend struggle with the CD player for a few moments, considering taking the initiative to abort the performance. After weighing his options, the long haired boy lifted his left hand away from his instrument, grasping the microphone in an attempt to move it towards him; however, his action was quickly interrupted by the sound of Rolf's voice.
"My heart..." said Rolf in his typical high pitched voice as he approached the microphone, attempting to sing the lyrics to the song. However, much to everyone's surprise, the foreign boy emitted a slight cough. This action seemed to clear his throat, allowing an unprecedented, smooth, soulful singing voice (very similar to one used by Mr. Presley himself) to echo into the microphone before him.
My heart does the tango, with every little move you make!
This action caused the eyes of all three Ed boys, as well as the Kankers, to widen with surprise. Rolf's sudden musical prowess also caused Lindsay's jaw to literally drop onto the table as Rolf continued to sing, all the while imitating Elvis's famous pelvic movements.
I love you like a mango, wish we could make it every day
I want you to
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Gotta Drop All Your Love on Me
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Drop Cause I'm Hungry!
Eddy watched in awe from the mixing console as Rolf sung a repeat of the chorus. His expression of surprise soon disappeared, being replaced with an exuberant smile as he made his way into the stage. He took his place behind one of the spare microphones, intent on providing backup vocals along with his friends.
My nights would be so lonely
(So Lonely)
If ever you should choose to go
(To Go)
In the cafeteria, Marie and May shared a glance upon hearing their boyfriends voices through the microphone, both emitting a small "whoooo" as they did so.
I'd live just like a zombie
(Zombie)
With very little love to show
I want you to
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Gotta Drop all your love on me
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Drop cause I'm Hungry
At the conclusion of the second chorus, Double Dee proceeded to play the instrumental musical interlude, as Rolf continued to perform dances reminiscent of Elvis. All around the school, from the hallways, to the classrooms, to the gymnasium, students rose out of their seats, proceeding to excitedly dance to the "feel-good" rhythms. Marie and May were no exception; both girls had rose to their feet, dancing happily to the beat of the music while smiling. Lindsay however continued to simply sit still, attempting to hide a radiant smile indicative of her flattery, blushing as she did so. Her best friend Lee continued to tease her, wiggling her hips back and forth while waving her arms to the side as if to imitate a hula dancer, all the while giggling playfully towards Lindsay.
After a few moments, the musical interlude had concluded, and Rolf reinitiated his vocal performance; channeling his inner Frankie Valli to sing the songs sampled bridge, all the while slightly altering the words.
Who loves you pretty Lindsay
Who's gonna help you through the night
Who loves you pretty Tiffy
Who's always there to make it right.
Who loves you, who loves you pretty baby
Who's gonna love ya momma...BABY DROP
Lindsay rolled her eyes in a playful manner as she smiled dreamily in the direction of the television as the boys completed their song.
My heart does the tango, with every little move you make!
I love you like a mango, wish we could make it every day
I want you to
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Gotta Drop All Your Love on Me
Drop, Baby Drop, Baby Drop
Drop Cause I'm Hungry!
Unfortunately for the boys, they had failed to notice that an additional presence had joined them in the AV room. The girls watched through the television screen as Principal Blomgren entered the camera frame with a furious expression on his face; he had discovered the boys charade and no doubt desired to discipline them for interrupting his show.
Upon completion of their song, Rolf maintained his final pose; his hips cocked to the left as he pointed into the air with his right hand. Eddy proceeded to cheer his friend on by clapping heavily as he himself took a bow.
Due to his location downstage of the two boys, Double Dee was the first to notice the presence of the stern balding man. He ceased playing his instrument, adopted an expression of distress, and began sweating profusely.
"E...E...Eddy..." said Double Dee, "I...I...th...think our per...per...performance is over now."
"No way Double Dee," said Eddy with a sly smile, "We still got one more song."
Rolf continued to stare into the camera as Eddy whipped around to face his friend; he was quite shocked when he came face to face with the angry eyes of the principal.
"AAAAH!" yelled Eddy, as he jumped backward, "Principal Blomgren! How did yo..."
Eddy could not complete his sentence for as he jumped backward, his feet became tangled in one of the microphone cables, causing him to loose his balance. The small Ed boy proceeded to tumble toward the floor, attempting to grab hold of any solid surface within reach to break his fall. Unfortunately, this resulted in him grabbing hold of the top of Principal Blomgren's trousers, which soon joined Eddy on the floor of the AV studio.
In the cafeteria, Lee slapped her hand to her forehead out of frustration as May and Marie emitted a simultaneous "ooooooh."
The principal's undergarments did not remain exposed for long, as Ed quickly ran up to his position with a dopey expression. The tall, absent-minded Ed boy removed a large grass skirt from hammer space within his jacket pocket, and proceeded to place it around the fuming mans waist.
"It's a theme party, and everyone's invited!" yelled Ed
The remainder of the cafeteria, as well as the entire school, proceeded to laugh and point at the principals expense. Eddy, less than amused at his situation, could do nothing but emit a long drawn out groan.