Chapter 5: I pulled you closer to my chest, And you asked me to stay over

Three Months Before Season 5

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"You could have called," Carlton pointed out as he walked towards Danny.

Danny glanced over, waiting for Carlton to ask him what the hell he was doing. After all, Danny was standing across the street from his own damn house, hiding in the shadows, watching his wife and son through the lit kitchen window like a stalker. But the other man merely raised his hand and Danny gave him a fist bump. A simple acknowledgment that — whatever might be going on right now — the two of them were good.

"Did Kara call you?" Danny asked.

"Nah, pretty sure she doesn't know you're here," Carlton replied. He leaned against a tree, arms crossing over his chest. "I keep a watch on the house. Don't tell Kara."

Danny grinned wryly. "She'll have your balls if she finds out."

"No shit."

"But..." Danny paused. "Thank you."

Carlton let the silence hang for a moment before continuing. "You going to go knock on the door?"

That had been the plan. But the moment he started walking towards the house...

"No." Danny's voice was firm.

The last month had helped. Despite Danny's skepticism, Wolf was right. The process — all that talking — did work. And that's what the last month had been. Talking, and talking, and then more talking. Danny had reached a place of, not quite peace, but acceptance about the loss of his team. Now his first thought about Benz wasn't about what happened on that cruise ship, but about the two of them throwing snowballs at each other in the Arctic. Seeing Carlton here, now, Danny's mind didn't immediately go to Ravit and how different Carlton's life might be right now if she hadn't been on that oil rig. Even the feeling of being robbed when Cruz died on the island after Doctor Scott performed a miracle in Cuba was now more of a dull ache than a gaping sore. He even talked a little about his family, how devastating it was to realize that they were all dead while he was complaining about running out of Jello on the Nathan James. And through it all, the other guys had nodded and smiled and encouraged him to keep going, to keep talking, sharing their own stories in response.

None of them seemed to suspect that he was lying.

Not lying, Danny reminded himself. Every word that he told those guys was true. He just didn't tell them the whole story.

Danny felt so good this morning that when Wolf offered him a lift home, Danny declined, planning to call Kara. But when the time came to actually make the call, it was Sasha's number that Danny dialed. Which is why he was standing here, across the street from his house, a duffle with everything he owned at his feet.

He couldn't do it.

Everything that he worked through over the past month paled in comparison to this moment. To facing the two most important people in the world and explaining that he walked out on them because he was afraid of hurting them. No, he wasn't going to lie to himself.

He was afraid of killing them.

Danny looked at Carlton, reflecting on how comfortable he felt with Burk. The feeling was the same as when he was around Wolf or Azima or Sasha. Whether in the field or just shooting the shit, in those moments, he felt like himself again. He could actually relax, no fear that he would do something to destroy his life forever.

Danny looked at Carlton in the dark, shifting his duffle onto his shoulder. "Will you take care of them for me?"

"Just until you get home," Carlton replied firmly. Nodding, Danny started down the street, suspecting that he was making the biggest mistake of his life, but unable to turn around.

"Green, you want a ride?" Carlton called. Danny hesitated, not knowing where he planned to go. But Carlton was ahead of him. "Couch is free too."

"Just for the night," Danny replied.

Carlton slapped him on the back. "Come on. Let's have a beer."

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A/N — I suspect that this story is hard to read (because it's certainly hard for me!) so many thanks to those of you along for the ride. I'm playing around with a palate cleanser and might have another crackfic! up this weekend. Those are always posted in Snapshots. xoxo — kals