Apologies about last week, was on a trip and didn't have time to update. Enjoy!
LEVI POV
Finally Ackerman listened and walked away to help the cadets get the brats ready for heading out. One by one, or a couple at a time, they could be lifted from the sunwells. Kirtschtein had already gone up and organised a perimeter with MPs, so no one was going to mistake this as some kind of breach of the city. No Underground Civilians were skipping the queue, just some victims being rescued. Even so, even with that win, the Squad had a new problem. Or rather, a problem that had now made itself known. Levi had been wary of those moments Robyn seemed to lose herself, when the red haze descended and she went feral. He had only seen it twice; when she killed Vincent, and that time in the cells with the cadet who had used the syringe. But both those times she had been completely out of it. Nothing behind her eyes except a need for violence. No doubt it was a side effect of all of Vincent's bullshit – between the abuse, the drugs and whatever he had done with the pseudo shifter stuff, something had snapped. And it occasionally acted out.
They had been making their way through the recruitment camp, taking it door by door, makeshift structure by makeshift structure, but then he opened that final door. Robyn took a sharp intake of breath. They had all looked to her, assuming she would explain, but as soon as Levi saw the look on her face he knew she was gone. He tried to reach for her, to restrain her, but so did Jaeger. And the brat wasn't quite fast enough.
Robyn, pinned beneath Levi still in the aftermath, shivered. Her eyes, wide with fear and uncertainty, shone with tears as she came back to herself, and feared whatever she had done. No doubt she could feel the blood on her hands. The gouges of flesh under her nails. At least her nose had stopped bleeding. The cavern, after the chaos of that moment, was quiet again. The children were being taken out of danger, and the remaining White Cloaks had either been captured, or were lying with vacant eyes. Occasionally the murmur of conversation between cadets and the children reached them, and Robyn frowned softly. She had no idea what was going on.
Levi adjusted his weight so it was less on top of her, but still able to pin if need be.
She was still quivering, but did her best to claw back composure. She knew she had to be a soldier in that moment. Duty. Mask. Control.
She licked her lips, they wobbled a little. "I can take it."
"I know you can." He nodded, fully believing it, but worried for what would also go in in her head in the meantime. "You lost control… But this time I didn't manage to stop you in time. We…" He sighed and put his head to hers. "We need to talk."
Water ran down a nearby wall, the rain up top trickling into the Underground slowly. Robyn was very still as the shivering gave way, no doubt she was going numb as the nerves continued to dance under her skin. At least she looked less feverish as the minutes passed.
"What's the last thing you remember, Robyn?" He kept his voice even, but encouraged her to stay down when she tried to get up again. She gritted her teeth. She would be confused, scared, and he understood why.
If he was correct, she had no control over what had just occurred – and he knew that feeling better than anyone else. He had held her supposedly dead body thanks to a moment like that, a moment that had lasted for days. So he would be careful, the last thing she needed was accusation. She needed a hand to hold. To help her find the light again. To regain trust in herself.
He touched her hand lightly, still sticky with the spilt blood from before. "You're worried, I know, but right now all I need to know is what you last remember doing. One step at a time."
"The fuck are you talking about, Levi?"
"Answer the question."
She closed her eyes, frown deepening. "I was with you guys, coming through the door to the place where we could hear the kids. My head got sore so I closed my eyes. That's all. Did I fall over, or something? Why're you being so... W-Weird?" Her voice stammered as she was able to move one of her hands and see it properly. The blood. She stared at it, no doubt wondering if it was real or not, her nightmares often so vivid it was hard to tell. But it was real. Very real. "What the hell? Who's blood is this? How did it get–"
"Robyn... Look at me." He said, and as her eyes snapped to him instead he saw her fear turn up a notch, like she had seen her worst nightmare. Only then did he realise he'd let the mask slip – he'd shown his worry. He had to apologise, but that also had to wait. One step at a time.
She shivered harder, whole body trembling. "Levi, what did I do?"
"You went rigid. Your whole body was like a fuckin' statue. I took one look and knew but couldn't get to you in time. Jaeger went and got in the way, we collided, you lashed out, got away and… Shit sorry I'm skimming. Uh. Hang on."
She looked so scared. Levi cleared his throat and tried to tap into 'report mode'.
"You went completely rigid, both Jaeger and I tried to intercept you but you moved so fast. Me and Jaeger collided, you moved Jaeger out of the way by force and he sustained a couple injuries. He's healing though, so it'll fine by now, no doubt. You then–"
"Wait, I hurt Eren?" She tried to look around again, but winced as her neck likely panged in pain. It took Levi and Kirschtein to subdue her in the end. She swallowed hard. "Is it his bl–"
"Some of it." Levi let her sit up more, cupping her face and looking into her eyes. "Robyn, did you feel anything other than the pain in your head? Did you recognise that White Cloak with the gun?"
"I don't know that I even saw him clearly." She sniffed and leaned into his hold. "Levi what the hell is wrong with me?"
"We'll figure this out, Robyn, I swear. But once you'd uh… Got away, you took down the guard. I'd never seen you so brutal, one move and he was down, throat torn open. You then wrenched open the door to where the kids were and got all of them out, subduing another guard before he could fire a single shot. It… It was intense, but you still did a good thing. You got the kids out safely."
She sucked in a breath, lips still caked in blood from her nose. "So why did you need to subdue me?"
"Because you were going for the ones that did have their guns at the ready. Ackerman and Springer took them down, but I had to keep you back from simply getting shot. You were fighting to get away from me and Kirtschtein so hard. You… You kept saying 'let me go. I have to do what I was made for.'"
She shuddered. "What I was… made for?"
"Repeating it like a mantra. We'll look for that wording in Vincent's notes, okay?"
"His notes… You… I did it because of…" She breathed thinly. "It's like that cadet isn't it? When I lashed out at that cadet that stuck me with the syringe."
"We will figure out why this keeps happening. But you don't remember a thing, do you?"
"I... I don't remember any of it." She then gasped and traced the scratch marks along his arm. "I got you too…"
"It's fine, an accident."
"How bad did I get Eren?" She asked thickly, tears rolling.
"A gash on his neck, but it's steamed shut–"
"His neck?" She gagged. "So I'd have killed him if he didn't have his healing? I tried to kill Eren?"
"I don't think you even knew it was him. You weren't trying to hurt him."
"No, but that also means I didn't know who not to hurt either." She struggled against Levi to stand.
"Stay down for a bit longer."
"Why? We need to go, and I need to see what I did."
"I don't know that you do." He couldn't help the grave tone.
She stared at him. With that same outright fear that had been in her eyes in the mess-hall the day Vincent died at her hand. A child, lost in the dark, unable to see the way out. He had never wanted to see that expression on her face again. He wanted to shine a light on that darkness, show her the shadows weren't real, but there she was, afraid. He tried to think. She had mentioned a headache, hadn't she? Yes. His memories of the time under the White Cloaks control were murky, but that was clear. The pain he had felt behind his eyes upon entering the HQ and seeing Robyn for the first time, and then when he handed her the supposedly poisoned tea. That pain had burned in his skull. It seemed like his pain had been some sense trying to break through maybe, or it was the seed of madness the White Cloaks had planted suddenly blooming.
He wiped the tears from her eyes. "You said your head hurt, right?"
She nodded.
"Was it a sharp pain, behind your eye?" He asked quietly, thumb still running against her skin.
She hesitated.
His hands trembled, and he suddenly wished he had been wrong. The same pain. Lashing out without control, even without memory. It was too similar. Vincent had done his damned work for years on Robyn, and now it was coming to fruition. But no one had ordered her to attack. Then again, there was no telling how messed up Vincent had made things. How her mind was trying to adapt since. His original orders, regardless of their intent, might have morphed into something else. A need to survive. Recognising an 'enemy' and simply lashing out.
Levi did his best to keep his voice even. "Seems Kenny might have been telling the truth."
"What do you mean?"
"It's so similar, I can't really ignore it. That pain behind your eyes is exactly what I felt whenever that damned conditioning took me over... like a puppet string was directly tied to my brain. Then nothing. I'd remember barely anything at first."
"So that was what Vincent was doing? I'm just his pupp–"
He put a finger to her lips before kissing her forehead. "One step at a time. I don't know why it's being triggered now, but... we'll figure it out. If we can fix my sorry ass, we can fix yours."
She nodded, but he knew she was filled with doubt. The trust she had in herself was at an all-time low, no doubt. He knew the feeling well. And he wouldn't take the lack of trust in his words personally. That wasn't what it was about. She had no idea what was going on inside her own head, her own body. And it was terrifying. He knew that firsthand.
A few more minutes passed, and she began to breathe easier. He didn't move, except to stroke her hair or start dabbing the blood from her upper lip.
She whispered. "Did we get the kids out?"
"The cadets are doing it right now. Pretty sure the White Cloaks will also get a clear message from those guards you took out. It should at least deter them for the time being. I have contacts down here that can keep an eye on things. It's not a permanent solution, but at least the Cloaks'll be wary." Levi then stood and offered her a hand. She reached, but then retracted her hand as if burned. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He tried to see where he might have been too rough, but she just shook her head.
"No, no, I'm fine. I just... d-do you have a cloth or something?" She looked at her bloodied hands.
He knelt down and met her eye head on. "It'll wash off, Robyn. I swear."
"Not all of it." She winced, but managed to take his hand and get to her feet.
"Together, Robyn. Remember?"
"Right… T-Together."
ROBYN POV
I had tried to kill Eren. I had successfully killed two White Cloaks guards. I had injured Levi.
I had lost my fucking mind.
My hands were still tacky with the drying blood, skin feeling like it was cracking with every flex of my fingers, my pace slow behind Levi, but keeping up. My eyes stayed low. Blood was scattered all around. A body lay close by, the gun cast closer, a bloodied handprint on it, the butt of the gun caked in what I could only assume was brain-matter. Brutal. That was what Levi had said. I had been brutal. A word I was fine with, but in terms of the battlefield. This had been a random guard that I couldn't even recall recognising. But it had been enough for him to be a White Cloak? Would I react like that every time? Would I gladly kill my friends, my family in order to do it?
Levi glanced back and I sped up a bit, keeping the mask in place as well as I could. The others would do their best, I knew that much, but no doubt they would be looking at me differently. How could they not? Eren. I had hurt him. He might have died without his healing ability. Mikasa. She would hate me even if Eren was quick to forgive. Connie would be scared. Jean… I couldn't be sure. Probably wary at least, outright distrusting was more likely though. And I couldn't blame that. Made sense. Entirely logical. And yet I hated it, I hated that I had invited this uncertainty about me.
All because I couldn't beat Vincent.
I stopped moving. A dead body lay two paces away, tucked into the side, but still on view enough that I couldn't ignore it. And I didn't want to. I had done that. The brutality, the murder, the killing. I stepped closer and knelt down to see. The man had dark eyes, pinked at the edges now from the head trauma, but they still stared at me in accusation. But he was involved in kidnapping children. I couldn't claim to feel all that guilty about the actual deaths caused – it was the guilt of having done it when so totally out of my own control. Blood was splattered against his jawline, the mouth hanging open a little, a flash of white showing his bloodied teeth. Then I saw the wound on his neck. My nails tingled. My fingertips itched. The artery, but from the nape round, I had gouged. As if I was taking down a Titan, not just a corrupt human.
"Shit…" the words gusted out of me, and Levi put a hand on my shoulder. "Levi… Is this what I tried to do to Eren?"
The silence was answer enough.
Yes.
Those glazed eyes could have so easily been Eren Jaeger's.
Another squeeze of the shoulder. "He's alright."
"No thanks to me." I got up and fell into step again as we made for the next sunwell.
The air cleared a little, and the sound of young chattering came towards us before we passed through another doorway. That one wasn't burst off its hinges. I hadn't got that far I guess. The children were nearly out, that was what Levi had said. I wondered how many we had managed to save. Or how many of them had already been fooled by the White Cloaks – then again, they might not start the conditioning until the kids were elsewhere. This might have simply been a holding pen. I would hope for that. Meant Keza might have an easier time of it.
I was given my gear back and the last of the children were helped up into the sunshine, their bright eyes honed on me as soon as I stepped into view. My expression was kept entirely neutral. Don't smile, that could be creepy after a murder session. Don't scowl, then the crazy murder lady might be coming for them next. So neutral. And they stared. Why did kids always stare like that, like they were reading your fucking soul? Did I do that when I was a kid? Probably.
Eren came over, blood along his collar but not a stitch of damage left on his tanned skin. He smiled, because of course he did. "How're you feeling?"
I snorted, unable to help myself. "Y'fucking kidding? How're you doing?"
"I'm fine." He shook his head. "Wrong place, wrong time. But you looked seriously shaken up before, are you–"
"I'll be okay." I looked to the floor as Mikasa stepped into eye line, a few metres behind Eren, likely ready to chop my head off at the first sign of trouble. He looked back and sighed. I shook my head. "Don't. She's allowed to be wary of me, Eren. Anyone would be. You're just as quick to forgive as you are to heal."
"You were going for the White Cloaks."
"I still hurt you. And that's not okay."
"Ha!" A new voice entered the cavern. We all turned towards the darker part of the open area, where a small flicker of light appeared. Like another door had opened. "A Sanshi taking responsibility for its actions?"
Cold filled my veins. I knew that voice. It had taunted me for so long, keeping to the shadows, sneering with red painted lips and glasses that flashed. I stepped back as she stepped into the light. Dressed similar to how Kenny's lackey's had been, she was prepared for a fight, or for running away. Other newcomers moved nearby behind her, so she wasn't alone either. Her dark hair was tied back and her glasses were worn as goggles. She smiled. Lips still painted, sneer still cruel.
Levi was entirely still.
There was no telling what that woman had done to him when I hadn't been around, either by being tormented elsewhere, or having been rescued. I had no idea what would be going through his mind. But as his hand drifted towards his gear, eyes zoned in on her, I hoped he had at least not fallen back under her control.
She tilted her head and looked us both over. "I see you have not quite managed your task, Levi. Is there something wrong? Did we not make things clear?"
"Your shit's been wiped clean." He snapped, "You failed."
"Oh I don't know about that. Just maybe Plan A didn't quite take." She winked and then looked to me, a feigning expression of pity crossing her refined features. Beautiful was a word that could be applied, if it wasn't sitting behind a veil of total cruelty. Even without knowing what she had done exactly, it looked like the cadets were wary. She chuckled. "So you're acting out, Robyn? Hm? Having little black out episodes are we?"
How the hell had she known that? Sure, she could have been listening, but she said it like it was to be expected.
I set my hand on the handle of my gear, her thugs adjusted accordingly. She raised a hand to keep them at bay, as if she didn't need any help. If I had anything to do with it, she'd need help picking her head up off the floor, or removing it from her arse.
Those dark eyes settled on me and the smile split. "I'll take that as a yes. Good to know. Seems Vincent was more successful than we had first anticipated. We feared you were entirely defective."
"Fuck you."
"Eloquent as ever." She sighed and gestured to the sunwell. "I do wish you hadn't taken it upon yourself to be such nuisances. Those are required for our plans. Do return them."
"They're not cargo." I snarled, gripping the hilt this time. "Children. People. Or don't they count if they're not a bloody White Cloak?"
"We see the bigger picture, the–"
"Bullshit." Levi stepped forward. "They're gone, free, and your base here is trashed. It won't be coming back, and if it does? You'll find more than a couple bodies."
"Ah, murdering now?" She glanced at the bloodied splatters. "Getting back to your roots far easier than even I could have predicted. I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted. Oh wait…" She looked to me and giggled. "It wasn't him, was it? No. You went on a little rampage?"
My throat thickened against the shame. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Ah. I suppose I never did introduce myself, did I?" She straightened up and dipped into a low curtsey. "A commander from within the White Cloak ranks, a royal by blood, and a true believer in the glorious cycle of our paradise, Valerie."
Ta dah! Cya next time!
