Chapter 57

After Heart had left and the following rounds, which were short anyway, were over, silence reigned in the room.

Emma could no longer feel her fingers because Regina was still squeezing them so tightly, but she didn't care. Strangely, the lump in her throat had dissolved after the doctor explained how the radiation and stem cell transplant would proceed and that she would complete her current chemotherapy with mitoxantrone, whatever that was. It also no longer came as a surprise to Emma when she told her that the muscle weakness, headaches and dizziness were more likely from the metastases than from the after-effects of the last chemo. "I think you should go home and be with Henry," she stated quietly after a while.

Regina's jaw was tense, her gaze still frozen. "It can't be," she whispered eventually without moving. "You did everything she wanted. You've endured every treatment and every examination. I meticulously monitored your intake of medication."

"And that's exactly how we'll continue to do it," Emma nodded, lifting both of their entwined hands to her lips so she could press a kiss to them. "It's not over yet, Regina."

"Then why does it feel like it is?"

Emma swallowed and rolled her head on the pillow toward the window. By now it was light outside and new snowflakes were swirling across the gray sky. "It's just... a little setback, okay? Heart didn't say anything about being out of options."

Regina finally turned her face to her and stroked her cheek with an expression on her face as if she were just seeing her for the last time. "You know as well as I do that with metastases of any kind and a recurrence, the odds go down drastically. Seventy-five percent? Don't make me laugh."

"So it's less now. But that doesn't change anything," Emma countered, trying to ignore the pressure in her head. Ever since she knew that the growth of degenerate cells was the reason for the pain, she could barely stand it, despite the fact that she was aware that her psyche was playing tricks on her in this.

"It doesn't?" Regina asked tonelessly, finally loosening her iron grip on Emma's fingers a little.

With an unpleasant tingle, the blood flowed back into her fingertips.

"More aggressive chemo, additional radiation, transfusions, transplant... I don't know what you've heard, but I've heard it all and I don't know how you're going to get through this. You were already horrible without all that, even if you never admitted it."

"And what exactly do you expect me to do now?" Emma wanted to know. "Should I refuse the treatment and wait to see what happens?"

"Of course not, just..."

"Then please stop saying things like that." The lump in Emma's throat was back. Previously, she had thought that with a plan up her sleeve, everything would be under control, but now that Regina had pointed out what was behind it, she felt as if someone was pulling the rug out from under her feet. "I have no choice if I want to get better. I have to do this whether I like it or not. And it doesn't help when you make me more scared than I already am. Because I am scared, Regina, even if I don't often show it to you that way, and for this one simple reason: if I blatantly lose control, I'll tear you and Henry down with me, and I can't do that."

Regina was silent, once again angry at herself and her unstable psyche. She was still seeing Archie, and in some ways he had been able to help her along, but he had been right about one thing in particular: this all took a lot of time, and Emma had none left. "Do you really think you can get through this?" Her words were almost toneless and she could hardly believe she had actually said them out loud.

Emma's lips quivered, whereupon she pressed them tightly together to make it stop. After taking a few deep breaths in and out, she moistened her lips with her tongue and looked Regina in the eye. "Can you please go to Henry now? He needs you. And you need him." She couldn't help but make her voice sound disappointed. "And don't tell them anything yet... Let's wait until after the party. It's enough if you and I aren't in the mood."

"But...", Regina continued, but Emma didn't let her finish.

"Go to him, please." Exhausted, she closed her eyes and hoped that her girlfriend would comply with this simple request.

Regina's gaze lingered on Emma for a while before she rose, slipped into her coat, and bent over her once more to press a kiss to her forehead before leaving the room. "Are we talking on the phone?"

Without opening her eyes, Emma nodded. She couldn't bear Regina's pained gaze another second. Only after the door had opened and closed again, and the clatter of Regina's heels had first become quieter and finally faded away completely, did Emma turn her gaze to the ceiling of the room. With the tension falling from her, the tears finally came and she saw no point in holding them back. Of all the scenarios that had been possible, the worst of all had now hit her. A recurrence and metastases. She didn't think there were any worse words to hear in the context of cancer than those two. No one wanted to hear them and everyone was afraid of them, and now they both applied to her at once.

Glad that no nurse would check on her for the next few minutes, she let out all the pent-up tears of the last few weeks and, when they finally dried up, just stared straight ahead for a while. Then she reached for her cell phone, which was on the nightstand, and turned on the display. Immediately, Henry, Regina, and herself beamed at her, causing her throat to tighten once again. How was she going to tell Henry what was going on? Or would Regina not comply with her request and handle it for her in the meantime? How would he react? Would Regina also tell him that his ma was probably going to die?

She swallowed. Ever since Regina had expressed her thoughts on the matter, she had been asking herself over and over again whether she herself thought the same way. Until now, she had always been realistic, not overly optimistic like her mother. She had been aware that death was a possibility, but the odds of beating the cancer had been good. Now they were anything but good, and yet she refused to believe it. So was she really starting to become like her mother?

However, she did not regret the decision to send Regina away. She needed those few minutes to herself and even more importantly, Regina got some distance and didn't have to see her like this all the time. She hoped that it would do her good to be with Henry, who might be able to take her mind off things. When the knock came, Emma didn't even bother to turn her gaze toward the door.

"Hello, Emma. Can I get you lunch?" Nurse Maureen wanted to know quietly as she poked her head in.

Emma didn't respond at all at first. The last thing she felt like at the moment was food. But it wasn't the nurse's fault that she was a wreck and she was just doing her job, so after a moment she sighed and nodded listlessly. "Sure."

Maureen said nothing, but when she returned a moment later with the tray of food, she closed the door behind her and leaned her forearms on Emma's nightstand. "Do you want to talk?"

Emma gave a short snorting laugh and looked at her out of deep-set eyes. "And then what? Are we going to gloss over my prognosis?"

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry."

"Good, because I absolutely can't hear that anymore," Emma nodded, turning her gaze back to the opposite wall.

"Not because it's just a phrase," Maureen continued, unperturbed, "but because so far there's nothing for me to be sorry about. I will not be sorry for you, because this battle is not over."

Straining to swallow, Emma was glad that her tears had dried up for now. She didn't want to cry in front of her. "But I'm tired. I don't know if I have enough strength left to keep fighting."

"If not you, then who?" she asked rhetorically, squeezing Emma's fingers briefly as she eyed her lovingly like the mother she could have been to her in age. Finally, she slid Emma into place in the bed and adjusted the headboard a bit higher so she could then push the pulled-out part of the nightstand into position.

While still trying to breathe away the pain in her back and pelvis, Emma watched her cut her meat into bite-sized morsels. Once again, she felt like an old woman, even if this time it was her broken wrist that was to blame. "Thank you," she managed to get out when Maureen was done, staring forlornly at all the food.

"I won't check later to see if you've finished your meal," the nurse promised, who hadn't missed Emma's look. "But do yourself a favor and eat a few forks to keep your strength up."

"I'm probably dying and you're worried about me eating enough?" She almost had to laugh if she hadn't felt like crying again.

Maureen paused at the door and took a deep breath. "I know it looks bad. But it's not an absolutely hopeless situation. Have faith that you can get better. I certainly do." She gave her another warm smile before really leaving.

Emma watched her leave the room and then let her head fall back against the pillow. She wondered what strength she should keep up. She already had so little of it that she didn't even know how she was going to manage to lift her arm and reach for her fork, let alone eat. So she just closed her eyes and hoped to fall asleep and never wake up again.


Regina had just managed to reach the next toilet before she had to throw up. Shaking, she wiped her mouth with a handkerchief and leaned her shoulder against the wall of the cabin with her eyes closed. The news that Emma's condition had taken a massive turn for the worse and the subsequent ejection had been too much for her sensitive stomach and unstable psyche. She couldn't imagine how she was going to celebrate her birthday in the next few days and pretend that her entire life hadn't turned upside down again in the past hour. But Emma was right about one thing: she shouldn't leave Henry alone with his grandparents for so long. Only she had no idea how to look him in the eye and lie to him.

As if by remote control, Regina finally picked up her purse from the ground and walked down to the snowy parking lot. Fortunately, there had been only a little fresh snow the previous night, so in only a short time she had freed her Mercedes from the white blanket. The air was pleasantly fresh and it could have been a beautiful winter day, were it not for that terrible thought of Emma's death, which seemed to spread through her like poison.

When she had covered the short distance to the Charmings' apartment, her courage finally left her. She was not ready to talk to anyone. She almost drove on and fortified in her vault or her house, but this fixed idea was prevented when Snow stepped out the front door, wrapped her pink cardigan around herself, and stopped expectantly beside her car door. Sighing, Regina opened it and got out. "Hello, Snow," she breathed quietly.

"Hello, Regina. We thought something had happened to you," her stepdaughter said, eyeing her up and down. "Where have you been for so long?"

Regina didn't understand the question and looked at her with a furrowed brow. "What do you think? I told you I was spending the night with Emma at the hospital."

"But by now it's noon and you haven't checked in since yesterday. We've been worried," she explained. "Come on in, it's cold out here." Before she could protest, Snow had already put an arm on Regina's back and pushed her into the stairwell.

"Calling you isn't necessarily the first thing I do when I wake up," Regina replied grimly, shaking off her hand. "And I can walk on my own, thank you very much." The fact that Snow's behavior upset her actually worked to her advantage at that moment, as the anger was a perfect cover for her sadness.

Snow looked a bit poleaxed and paused at the foot of the stairs. "We were hoping for some news, you know?" she said quietly now, her gaze lowered.

Regina eyed her and her anger faded. Her shoulders slumped and she realized abruptly who she was talking to. Snow was Emma's mother, as she was Henry's. The idea of sitting at home, eagerly awaiting good news concerning her sick son made her gasp almost audibly. "Snow... I'm sorry. It's... let's just say there was a lot going on this morning."

Looking back up at her, tears glistened in Snow's eyes. "It's okay, I understand," she brought out bravely.

At that moment, Regina made a decision. She hoped she wouldn't regret it later, but at that moment it seemed like the only right thing to do. "No," she whispered, gently grabbing Snow's forearm to pull her down beside her on the step. It wasn't comfortable or warm, but they had their peace and that was all she needed right now. "I'm going to tell you what we learned, but you have to promise me something. You have to be strong and you can't tell Henry, understand?"

Already after those words, sheer horror was reflected in Snow's eyes, but she nodded.

"The fall was not that bad. But... the cancer is raging all the more. It's not looking good, Snow. I'll get her home tomorrow so she can get used to the new... situation. But in two days... that's when she'll have to go back to the clinic and proceed with her treatments, if she wants to have any chance at all." Her arm slid around Snow's shoulders even before she folded her arms on her knees and rested her forehead on them.

"I thought the treatment was kicking in," she sobbed after a while, without lifting her head.

Regina nodded to herself and once again felt like she was wrapped in absorbent cotton. She couldn't cry or scream, she was no longer capable of feeling anything at all. "It did at first. Until now." Carefully, she stroked her back and finally pulled her into her arms. She was aware that there was nothing she could have done or said to reassure her. But she knew it felt good to have someone there just holding you.

"Why won't you tell Henry?" Snow asked after what seemed like an eternity, when she had finally collected herself enough to speak.

"He'll learn of it. Emma just doesn't want to ruin the party for everyone. I don't know why she's so insistent, I didn't feel like celebrating anyway. I shouldn't tell you either, but I just couldn't keep it from you. She's your daughter, you have a right to know."

For the first time, Snow lifted her gaze again and reached for Regina's hand, squeezing it. "Thank you," she whispered.

It was the way Snow said these two words, as if it meant the world, that brought Regina back to reality and made her emotions overwhelm her. Her heart seemed to burst into flames and she almost choked on the sobs that escaped her throat.

This time Snow was the one who wrapped her arms around Regina and held her tight.

Willingly, Regina lowered herself against her and pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle the pitiful sounds she was making. "I can't do this again," she finally whispered hoarsely.

Snow knew what she was talking about without asking. Daniel had been violently murdered before her eyes and his loss had destroyed her. And now she had to watch helplessly as Emma slipped away from her. Snow couldn't decide what out of these two she thought was worse. "You don't have to. Emma will be fine, you'll see! Magic may not be able to heal her, that may be. But she still has Savior-magic in her. I'm sure that can help her somehow."

"If it did, she'd be better by now," Regina countered, wiping away her tears. With difficulty, she forced her face into a neutral expression and flipped open her hand mirror to remove the black marks her mascara had caused. "We need to pull ourselves together now, understand?" Even though Snow nodded, Regina wasn't sure she could keep it up once she looked into Henry's and David's face, but she just had to trust her now.

Together, the two women climbed the stairs and straightened their shoulders before entering the apartment.

Regina had hoped to be able to collect herself for a moment, but Henry came rushing into the hallway as soon as he heard her.

"Mom, there you are!" With a few long strides, he was with her, wrapping his lanky arms around her. "It's good to see you."

Regina held her son close and inhaled deeply the smell of his hair before nodding. "I'm glad to see you, too."

"How's Emma?" he wanted to know the very next moment.

Glad to see Snow discreetly turn away to the kitchen, Regina briefly stroked Henry's shoulder. "The sleep did her good. She was lucky, her head barely took a hit and they're only keeping her in the hospital one more night for observation. I'll be able to pick her up tomorrow."

"Thank goodness! I was afraid she was worse because you didn't call," he replied with relief.

Regina had to pull herself together very hard to remain steadfast. "Yes. I'm sorry about that." She was aware that her eyes were probably puffy and her voice sounded rough, as if she'd had too much alcohol, but obviously Henry believed she'd been crying half the night out of concern for Emma, not just a few minutes ago. That realization hurt and reassured her in equal measure.

"It's all right. Come on, Grandma's been cooking. Knowing you, I'm sure you haven't eaten anything today," Henry finally said, who took her hand and pulled her with him to the dining table.

She wondered while walking how she should choke down the food, but didn't protest.

"Hello, Regina," David greeted her, spreading the cutlery on the table. "Any news?"

"Not much more than I told you yesterday," she said quickly, brushing her hair back from her forehead. "She gets to go home tomorrow."

Visibly reassured, David smiled briefly at her and then continued to set the table.

Regina would have liked to scream out loud, run out of the apartment and up and away. But she had promised Emma not to tell them anything and she would stick to that. "I'll go to the kitchen and see if I can help Snow," she then said, as the tension in the room almost crushed her.

Snow looked up from teary eyes as Regina burst into the kitchen. "Regina, I can't do this," she whispered in anguish. "I can't go out there and pretend that everything is fine."

"You have to!", Regina glared at her, slightly angry. "If I can do it, you can do it too! We're not doing this for us, we're doing this for Emma, all right?"

Snow took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. For Emma." Again, she straightened her shoulders and nodded toward the plates. "Will you help me carry them?"

"That's the official reason why I'm here," Regina smiled in anguish and waited until Snow had distributed the food before carrying it into the adjoining room.

As everyone gathered around the table and began to eat, both Regina and Snow stared at their plates as if the food was inedible.

Finally, Regina forced herself to shove a fork of the vegetables into her mouth so as not to arouse suspicion, but when she looked up again and noticed Henry's quivering lower lip, she knew it was already too late.