Oh I am so nervous about this chapter! It's been written and rewritten so many times over the last three years, I've got a doc just dedicated to failed attempts just in case I need them. It's one of those that I knew I was going to do from the beginning so even though I've been tempted to delete it I decided not to.

Over to you, please let me know if this muddies the water too much!


April 30th, 1919. Esme.

The first two years of Esme's new life went about as smoothly as could be expected. She'd been terrified of Jasper, Peter and Bella at first, seeing glimpses of scars on their arms and necks that meant they could only be out to kill her. Carlisle took care of her the first few days; he took her out to the woods where she could hunt for her dinner and play in the snow without fear of getting cold. They stayed out there for ages as she learned how to exist in this new form, then when they returned she was far happier to see the rest of her adopted family.

After two years of this life she had learned to temper her strength, to walk and talk the human way, her eyes had calmed to a buttercup yellow and she was nearly comfortable enough with her control to rejoin some sort of society. Her family had brought her to parks and the beach when it was cold and few were out and she had done excellently, or so Carlisle told her. Jasper theorised that turning by choice helped you have better control in the first few years, Carlisle said it was just her good nature showing through.

With every day that she made progress she saw some tension leave the others' shoulders. Of course, if she hadn't taken so well to this life they would have had to deal with three newborns at once: Alice, Edward, and herself. Now there would only be two uncontrollable newborns, as everyone expected that Edward would choose to turn right away. Bella wasn't so sure, but she never seemed sure anymore. From the second Esme had woken up it was like there was a wall erected between Jasper and Bella. They barely spoke except for polite nothings, barely looked in each other's direction except when the other's attention was elsewhere.

Everyone felt their pain, everyone knew why they were suffering so; from Carlisle and Peter to the Denalis when they visited. Every day ticked down to the day Bella would go get Edward.

So, on April 30th, 1919, the day before; Esme watched Bella as she walked like a spectre through the cabin. The poor girl had been standing and staring out the window for hours, ever since Jasper had announced he was going hunting and his footsteps had faded into the background. She was staring at his footprints in the snow, eyes wide and totally unmoving. She had 12 hours before she had to leave for the Masen farm in Michigan, about a four hour run away, but Esme knew full well that her bags upstairs were empty and her precious documents still locked in Carlisle's desk.

If Jasper never came back she wasn't sure the poor girl would ever move again.

Peter and Carlisle had noticed her desperate state too, of course, and were debating it upstairs in hushed tones Esme could just about hear. They were talking about going and bringing Jasper back, putting off this trip until later on, maybe trying to convince her to give up on it altogether.

Surely they couldn't believe that would ever work.

Bella had told Esme that while this wasn't what she wanted, it was the way it had to be. Esme had to trust that, and support her loved ones as best she could.

Which meant not letting her sweet girl mourn a set of footprints all day.

She approached the statue at the window. "…Bells? Why don't you come away and tell me one of your stories? You never finished telling me about the one where Edward saved you from a moving car."

Bella flinched, the voices upstairs halted. Esme cringed, her gamble might have backfired and made everything worse.

"It was called a van actually," Bella eventually said. "A boy I went to school with was trying to drive home but his van skidded on a patch of ice and nearly hit me. Edward jumped in front of me and pushed it away."

Esme smiled. "How heroic."

"It's not like he could've been hurt by it," she whispered and continued to stare out the window.

They all lapsed back into silence, it looked like Esme's gamble hadn't backfired but hadn't exactly helped either.

But then Bella smiled. "Jasper was furious. He thought I would tell everyone what I'd seen and tried to convince Edward and Alice to let him kill me."

"… Oh?"

"He wasn't used to trusting humans, but he came around. Saved my life a few times too. My Jasper…" the smile grew tight, her eyes began to shine, "…my Jasper was a good man. He made good decisions. He deserved only the best things, he deserved happiness."

Esme's mouth hung agape. Was it possible that in all of this, Bella was mourning the Jasper she had left behind?

She took a breath to reply, but Bella turned and cut her off.

"I need to go pack."

Esme watched her retreating back as she ran upstairs to her room, the door slamming behind her. Carlisle and Peter sneaked downstairs soon after to question what the hell had happened, Esme couldn't explain it to them. She had no idea what was going through the girl's head any more than they did.


Jasper.

He had to go back eventually, once he'd drained so many wolves his stomach hurt and the hands on his watch drifted ever closer to the time she would depart. He had no intention of letting her go without saying goodbye.

She was waiting for him on the back porch, sitting on the railing with her feet dangling off the ground, her colours dark, murky and hard to put together. She didn't look up, although he knew she heard him. He came to a halt a few feet in front of her, and said nothing.

Minutes later, she finally spoke.

"Nice hunt?"

He grunted, he hadn't been expecting anything more eloquent than that really.

"Lots of wolves about."

"Oh good, I'll have to catch one… later…"

Jasper dimly heard the sound of the front door and running footsteps as the rest of the family evacuated the house.

"You're still going then?"

She finally looked up, but could only meet his eye for a second before staring at the scenery behind his ear instead.

"I have to."

He was filled with this wave of indignation, of the need to argue something he knew would never change.

"No you don't. You don't have to."

"Jas…"

"I just can't believe you're doing this," he gasped.

She sighed. "What do you want me to do? Leave my husband?"

"You can't leave him when you're not with him, Bella!" he tried to meet her eye and grew agitated when she wouldn't. "You can't hurt him! But you can sure as hell hurt me!"

"I know…" She looked at the sky, eyes shining. "I know this is hurting you."

"Oh you don't know the half of it, Bells. You're not just leavin' me. You're goin' off and erasing our life and I'm supposed to just step back and watch?"

Shock jolted through her. She finally looked at him, eyebrows drawn together. "What?"

"This life that we've built together! The last 30 years! It hasn't been perfect, but it's been us, together. It shaped us and now you want to pretend it never happened!"

Her colours turned to grey horror. "Jas, I don't-"

"You wanna pretend that we never happened!" his voice cracked. "That I'm nothing! You're gonna go away and marry someone else and let him believe that I'm your brother, and I will stand there and watch and burn because to be apart from you would be to rip myself in two!"

The grey engulfed her, blackness bloomed in her chest, shooting through her like a knife. Her chest heaved in silent sobs. "I'm sorry…"

He stared at her for a moment, already regretting his harsh words as the woman he loved broke down before him. But he couldn't just apologise and take it back because it was true. It was true and it killed him. There was nothing he could say, there was nothing she could say.

"I know this is an impossible situation for you," he whispered. "I wish… I wish I could be angry with you for it. I wish you'd admit that this will make you happier, so I can hate you and get over it."

"It's not that simple…"

"So you've said."

"I'm sorry that I've not dealt with this well. I made it harder for you than it had to be. I'm just… I thought I would be ready," she let out a bitter little laugh. "It all sounded so simple at the beginning. Edward and I were supposed to have eternity together and this was just a little thirty year blip. He was mainly worried about me dying. I don't think me falling for someone else even crossed his mind."

"Do you think he'd be angry?"

She shook her head, dashing his hopes that he'd cracked the mystery. "No, if he could see me now he would tell me to forget about him and go be happy with you - but this isn't just about us, and it's not as simple as it seems. Please try to understand that."

"I wish you would just tell me everything so I can even start to understand it," he hissed. "I don't see how our future selves can have so much impact on you now. Especially if they would tell us to be happy together."

"I only said Edward wouldn't be angry…"

"Then who would be?"

"You."

"… me?"

She finally met his eye, he could see her heart breaking. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you more than anything in the world…"

His breath caught, words he'd never dared hope for still lingering on her lips.

"… but I loved your future self too. He gave so much for me, for all of us. He was the best of men, and if I were to give in and stay with you then I would be betraying him. I can't do that."

Jasper stared in bemusement, trying to rationalise a version of him that cared enough for Bella to move mountains for her but not enough to consent for him to be with her.

"But he's gone," he finally whispered. "He's gone and I'm here. Why do his wishes matter more than mine?"

"Because once you have had the same experiences as him you will feel the same. You will want what he wanted and if I stay here with you I will be in the way. I'll lose you and you'll resent me and I can't bear the thought…"

"Where the fuck are you getting this from? You can't see the future!"

"I can see this clear enough!" she snapped. "You think I want this? It's killing me! I wish I could stay with you! But I can't and I need you to accept that so we can all move on!"

He said nothing, she continued on.

"You are going to be happy! Happier than me! Please believe me when I say that if I don't go get Edward we will all be miserable - especially me. If you won't accept that I'm trying to protect you at least let me try to protect myself."

She fell silent when he once again made no reply. He just stood there, soaking in her turbulent colours and the tenuous joy of just being able to look at her. All he wanted was for her to be close to him and happy, he was sick of the tension, sick of the pain. He wanted his girl back.

"We have had this fight what feels like a thousand times," he finally murmured. "I can't stop you going, and I won't try. You've made your decision, I won't try to fight it again. You can go marry him. I won't leave you, unless you tell me to, and I won't do anything to ruin it. But just… don't make me pretend I have nothing to mourn. Let me keep my memories… please."

She looked up at him with shining eyes and nodded, lip clenched between her teeth. He turned and wandered back into the woods, her whisper followed him.

"I'm sorry…"

"…I know."


He was planning on staying in the woods until he was sure she had gone; so he didn't have to see her leave, soft brown satchel full of secrets secure at her side, just the way she was when she ran off to get him once upon a time.

The last of the light faded through the trees, she found him.

Her face was pinched and her feelings clouded, but gold was finally starting to creep back through the gloom. At least he would always have that, the constant reminder that she loved him. She had done even longer than he had loved her, she glowed golden for him the first second she saw him.

She came to a stop towards him and for a second they just stared at each other. She was dressed fashionably for the times, her hair pinned back ready for her hat. His breath caught at the reminder, she would be seen by society in just a few hours.

They had stared at each other just long enough for it to be awkward before she finally moved towards him. She lifted his hands to her lips and kissed them gently, her eyes never leaving his. They drifted closer as if by gravity, his hands were compelled to her waist, hers to his jaw.

"Listen to me," she whispered. "The past 30 years have been the most stressful, most heartbreaking, most wonderful of my life. Nothing either of us do will ever change that. I mean it, Jas. You made me who I am. No matter what, you're a part of me."

She let go of his face with one hand and pulled at the buttons holding her collar together.

"I want you to mark me."

"What?" he finally gasped. "What about Edward?"

"Like I said, Jas. You're a part of me." She bared her collarbone expectantly. "I can't pretend our time together never happened and I don't intend to. If he wants me, he has to accept you."

He stood there silently, staring at the gossamer collar in her hand and the unblemished neck it exposed.

"Bite me," she repeated. "Mark me."

Jasper inspected her throat. Two scars, one on each side, one angry from Victoria and one gentle from Carlisle. When he pulled back to look into her eyes she looked almost desperate, begging him for this, she needed this.

He needed it too.

With gentle fingers he opened her blouse a little more and pushed it and the cotton strap of her chemise to the side, revealing her delicate collarbone and the curve of her shoulder. There was a line there, the scar from when her full arm was ripped off in her quest to save him. He ran his thumb over the ridge and remembered her pain, she had needed to taste her first human to make it reattach. He had been the one to help her recover, to bring her back to herself. He remembered her innocence, the way she had needed him and the way that made him feel. Her love for him had been so sweet, so trusting. She had always trusted him.

He lightly touched her cheek with his other hand, checking that she was sure.

"You are a part of me," she whispered. "I want everyone to know that, no matter what happens tomorrow."

"But… Edward."

"Marking isn't something he's interested in, and he'll understand. He'll have to."

Finally convinced, he let his forehead rest against hers for a second, breathing in her air and her scent. With her blessing he gratefully sank down and bit into her shoulder over her collar bone, next to the scar. The strange sweet taste of her venom met his tongue, wrong yet right. She let out a sigh and pulled him closer, their whole bodies lined up.

Marking was supposed to be a primal thing, aggressive and sexual. But this was somehow spiritual. She held him to her far longer than normal, he took her venom in and replaced it with his own until their scents were well and truly combined. He was part of her. For the rest of her life, Bella would carry his scent. He wouldn't be satisfied until he carried hers too.

He finally disengaged his teeth from her flesh and licked the neat wound closed. Her fingers had found the short hair at the back of his neck and tightened their grip as if to keep him there. He pressed a light kiss over the bite, trying not to overly agitate the sore area.

"Now I'll carry you with me everywhere," she whispered. "Whether you like it or not."

He ran his nose languidly up her neck and kissed her temple.

"I will always want to be with you," he said. "No matter what happens."

He locked eyes with her and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it open.

"I want to carry you with me too."

Her soft hands smoothed over his scarred shoulders and chest as she settled over the exact spot he had marked on her. She kissed the blank piece of skin before gently biting into it. He relished in the sting, it only reminded him that it was real.

Bella was timid in things like this. Jasper could feel the guilt and pain that marred that golden love that surrounded them. He had no doubt that she would pull away, not wanting to influence any future he might one day want. But it was his life, his body, he would take her mark and allow it to mask all that came before or after it. The future didn't matter. He would always be hers.

He ran a hand up into her chestnut hair and held her to him, silently begging her to stay there. He needed it to be unquestionable, that even if they weren't together they were inextricably linked. She fed at the wound for what could have been minutes or hours, he had no idea anymore.

Eventually, when her venom had taken over and overrun every newborn who ever snapped at him and every instance of Maria touching him, she pulled away and softly nuzzled the wound closed. She rested her head under his jaw, he pulled her closer so he could feel the faint sweetness of her breath on his Adam's apple.

"I love you," he whispered.

She let out a broken sob. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay… we're okay."

He took the love they felt and wrapped it around them like a blanket. They stayed locked in its golden embrace until the dawn.


FYI, they are still not together! I tried to make it really clear in the text but I'm worried people will be confused and mad at me.