Prompt Quote #95: "I'd break my own heart and use those pieces to fix yours. And THAT is my problem."
I'd Break My Own Heart
~oOo~
Elliot's words reverberated and echoed in her head: "Kathy's pregnant. Kathy's pregnant. Kathy's pregnant."
"I didn't know you went home," she said, her mind racing, wondering why he wouldn't have told her that. Something like that wasn't the type of news you'd keep from your partner, after all.
Elliot sighs. "I haven't. It was...a one time thing, after the Royce case and I needed to see that the kids were okay. It...happened. It shouldn't have, and I realized that right after. And now Stabler number five is on the way. Kathy wants me to come back, but...I mean...we separated for a reason, and to expect that this baby will fix everything is just ridiculous and I just..." He sighs again. "I'm stuck in a Catch-22." He leans against the wall, closing his eyes and scrubbing his hand down his face.
Olivia felt her heart clench, seeing him look so broken down by life. There wasn't much that got to him that deeply, so it wasn't something she'd witnessed before. She wanted to just wrap him in a hug and tell him they'd get him through this together, that they're partners for life and she'd do whatever it took to help him through it.
"Have you told Kathy that, El?"
"I tried. As soon as I started talking, she cut me off and started laying on the Catholic guilt, as usual. Acting like I wouldn't take care of the baby, like it's the baby and not our relationship that's up in the air. She knows damn well, regardless of our situation, I'd never abandon my kid. But she's throwing it in my face that if I don't come crawling back to the house, then this baby will be born into a broken family."
"That's not fair. Or true. Your family isn't broken, El. Your kids still have both their parents, even if you live in different homes. It's healthier for all of you to have peaceful separate homes than one home full of drama and tension. Surely Kathy can understand that. She's got to see that's what's best for the kids, for all of you."
He sighs again. "She's only thinking about what she wants right now. She still thinks we can somehow have that perfect, all-American family in the house with the white picket fence, even though she was the one who called it quits in the first place. Pretty sure she loves the idea of that more than she actually loves me."
Her heart aches for him. He deserves so much more than this. She knows he's caught between a rock and a hard place, and she hates thinking of him crawling back to a loveless marriage for the sake of this baby, who deserves to be raised by a healthy and happy father, not by a man regretting his decisions. She knows that he will love this child as wholly as his four others, regardless of not being with their mother. Not for the first time in their partnership, she offers to play the middleman.
"Why don't I talk with Kathy? Maybe I can help her see—"
"Liv, I can't ask you to do that."
"El, you're not asking, I'm offering. You know I'll always help you, however I can."
He looks her in the eyes, and she sees a tender, yet intense affection in his eyes. She blushes mildly, as she meets his eyes. She's loved this man for years now, and sometimes the way he looked at her just made her heart race. She always presumed she was reading too much into the looks he gave, but something in his expression this time makes her question that presumption.
"What, El?"
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you always so willing to help me? And not just me, my family. My kids. You'd move mountains to help."
"El, I'll always have your six, on the job and off."
"Yeah, but why?"
"C'mon, El, like you wouldn't help me, too?"
"Of course I would. Will. Always. You're not wrong. But I still want to know why you're always so willing and ready to help. Especially for something like this."
"Like what?"
"You think I believe for a second that talking to Kathy about why she shouldn't fight for me to come back would be easy for you? We both know it would be a shit show."
"El, I'm a big girl, I can handle talking to your ex-wife, you know—"
"Yeah, Liv, but we both know exactly where Kathy will go with that conversation. She'd strike for blood and try her best to hurt you."
"What are you talking about? Hurt me how? Why?"
"Why? Because she learned long ago that the absolute best way to hurt me is through you. D'you know that she threatened to go to Cragen or even to 1PP to break our partnership up? And yet it still took me how long to give in and sign the damn divorce papers."
Liv gasps quietly. "El. You never told me that. Why did she want to split us up so badly, I've always had your back, always made sure you got home safely."
"We've had something together, you and I, that she and I never have, Liv. A true partnership, one that's got us connected—truly connected, heart, mind, and soul. She's been jealous of that for years."
She feels her heart racing, and she starts pacing with nervous energy. "Jealous? Of me? Jealous of the girl who's the spawn of a monster and an abusive drunk, when she, herself, is the epitome of the all-American girl from the best side of the tracks? Jealous, when all I've ever done is make sure that I got you back to her damn arms?"
"Liv, it's okay—"
"Jealous, when I'm the one who's cleaned up your blood, who's held your unconscious ass in my arms and screamed for someone to get a bus? Jealous, when I talked you into going back home rather than staying with me working a shitty case, even when I felt like the case was drowning me?"
He tries again, "Liv. Stop for a sec—"
"Jealous, when I've never, ever done a single thing that would hurt you, or her, or your kids. No, I'd break my own heart and use those pieces to fix yours. And that is my problem—"
He grabs her by the arm. "Olivia. Stop, please," he pleads. "Liv, look at me."
She makes to move to look at him; he puts a hand under her chin and tilts her head upward. Her face is red and blotchy, her cheeks streaked with the tears that now stream from her eyes.
He sighs quietly. "Oh, Liv. You don't have to break your own heart for me, never again, you hear me? You shouldn't have had to in the first place, and I'm sorry I ever let it get that far. I should have been man enough to admit that I didn't belong with Kathy years ago, instead of just letting the Catholic guilt run wild in my brain. And Kathy, well...I guess she just figured it out before we did, Liv."
"Elliot...what are you saying?"
"Liv. I'm saying, please don't break your heart to fix mine, because...because your heart is my heart. It's taken way too long to admit, but Liv, you've been my heart for years, since—"
"Gitano."
"Wha—"
"Gitano. You've been my heart since Gitano. Damnit, El. I never wanted to cause this. I don't want to be the reason your marriage fell apart."
"Liv. Sweetheart. That's not what happened here. My marriage fell apart because it wasn't a healthy relationship. We got married 'cause she was knocked up, and the church said that was what we were supposed to do. I don't think either of us has ever actually been in love with each other. It would have fallen apart sooner or later, regardless of you and I."
"You don't know that, El—"
"I do, though. The writing's been on the wall the whole time, I was just too stubborn and too Catholic to read it."
"You say that now, Elliot, sure, but what if in time you realize that I was right and you end up resenting me. What then? How do we—"
"Liv, you just said yourself that you'd break your own heart to heal mine. Kathy has never been that to me. Ever. And you, from the day you walked into the precinct, even before either of us realized we were anything more than partners, you have. There's not a thing in this universe—or any other, for that matter—that could ever make me resent you. Like I said, Liv, you really are my heart. I said how long ago, we're partners for better or worse. And yeah, that day with Gitano? I knew then that you were my heart, that you were mine." He pauses, noticing that Liv has paled, standing frozen in place. "Liv? You still with me here? Talk to me, Liv, say something so I know you hear me."
Her heart pounding in her ears, Liv is at a loss for words. She lays a palm on his chest and feels his heart beating in the same rhythm. He is her heart, and she his. She smiles a tentative smile at him as she leans into him, feeling his arms gently wrapping around her. "No more talking, El," she says, tilting her head and offering her mouth. Her eyes flutter closed as he leans into her, pressing his lips to hers. In that moment, Liv knows she's finally found her home.
The author of this SVU - Quills & Shutters story will be revealed in October
