(Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or Warner Bros. Just the plot and my OC.)

"Welcome to the afterlife. Please take a ticket."

Well that's a weird name for a theme park. Though, it's not the worst.

"Welcome to the afterlife. Please take a ticket."

After all, there's GatorLand, and that one I went to in Germany. What was it called?

"Welcome to the afterlife. Please take a ticket."

Eh, whatever. Best to enjoy this while I can, before my parents find out I ditched school again.

"Welcome to the afterlife. Please take a ticket."

Especially when they find out I was in the middle of cla-

"Hey!"

Looking over my shoulder, I see a very familiar, and unwelcome face. Trent Williams. Star of the wrestling team.

"Ay! I'm walkin' 'ere!" I shout back.

"No! You're standin' 'ere!" Trent said, looking even more like a gorilla. "Take, a ticket!"

Glancing around, I realize that I have been standing there for what was probably several minutes. I duck my head down, and take a ticket. And don't look back up until I was at the end of the line.

I only get a passing glance of the rides in the distance, before being shuffled into a room, away from the fun and games. I could hear people laughing, and the faint screams of excitement. Thinking that they must have found my stash of smuggled snacks on me, I begin to mentally go through the process of preparing myself for an argument.

I was in my own head for so long, that I didn't notice that someone else came in. It's not until I feel something bounces off my head. Snapping out of thoughts, I look around. Before my eyes are drawn downward. Picking up the small object, I study it for a moment before looking at the man on the other side of the table.

"Did-did you just throw an eraser at me?" I say bewildered.

"Oh, you're talking to me? Good, we can get started." The man says, before opening the folder in front of him.

"Now, I understand that you've been having some trouble at school?"

Tilting my head to the side, I look at this strange man, who looks like a hard core fan boy. I just can't decide which fandom. He looks like a conglomerate of all of them.

"Why would a theme park need to know about my school life?" I say, my confusion meter spiking.

Fanboy's right eye twitches, "Theme. Park?"

"Yeah. When I showed up, the entrance said, 'Welcome to the Afterlife.' Plus I saw the rides before being escorted into this room. Now can I go, or am I going to be trapped here all day with you?" I say, like it was the most boring thing in the world.

Fanboy slowly gave a shaking exhale staring at me with an emotion I couldn't quite place. Either that, or I'm in denial and I just don't want to know. Looking down at the file in front of him, he grabbed his pen, and made a few notations. Before it broke from him pressing down on it too hard. His nice and shiny fountain pen splattering ink all over the file.

Fanboy took another breath, less shaky, and more angy. I bit down on my lip, to keep from smiling. He looks up, forcing me to look at anything but him.

"Can I have the eraser back?"

But, it was a pen that you broke. And it's an eraser. Erasers can't fix pen mistakes. At least not fountain pens. What do I not know?

Would you like me to list it alphabetically, numerically, or chronologically?

Shut up!

"Nope" I say, making my lips pop on the P. "My now. Finders keepers." I then shove both of my hands into my hoodie pocket.

Fanboy just stares at me, his mouth slightly agape for a moment. He closed his eyes, and silently mouthed what looked like numbers.

Why is he counting?

MeNtAl IlLnEsS…

Now is not the time for introspection.

And did I not just say, to shut up?!

No you shut up!

I'm not getting into this with you today. I don't have time. Do you not see I am in an interrogation room? Shut up!

Thank you.

"Now, where were we?" I get pulled out of my thoughts yet again, by this fanboy.

"Hey," I say, interrupting him mid sentence. "Where did the ink go?"

"Like I was saying," he says, emphasizing every word. "You have the attention span of a goldfish, which isn't doing you any,"

"I had a goldfish once. Cat ate it. Cat died. Buried it. Then coyotes dug up the cat, and took it away." I say remembering my fish and cat.

"Don't tell me, coyotes ate it?" Fanboy asks sarcastically.

"No, the coyotes were actually part of a secret cult of necromancers. And they wanted to bring Mittens back to life, so as to learn the knowledge that humans so desperately hoard. 'What is the function of a rubber duck?'. You see, they are fearful of them. And wish to know how to annihilate these dreadful creatures. But Mittens, like every cat, despises water. So they killed her again, and put her back where they found her. And went in search of another." I say, matching his level of sarcasm. Ending with a deadpan look.

"You have ADHD." He said.

"No. I have DAVE."

I could practically hear the Internet dial up sound going on in his head.

"DAVE is,"

"Don't, explain it." He said, his head in his right hand. While he holds up his other to say stop. "I know what it means."

"Oh, good. Now could I go, and see those rides I saw, or…?"

Fanboy's head finally slammed into the table. It lay there a moment, before it snapped back up. "THIS IS NOT A THEME PARK!" He shouted, looking like Tom in Tom and Jerry, when Tom gets super pissed about something. And his eyes get all red and bloodshot.

"But the entrance-"

"Patricia!" He yelled.

I was understandably…surprised, when a portly, brunette woman, wearing a suit jacket and a pencil skirt, just appeared in the room next to the fanboy.

"Yes sir." Patricia said.

"The entrance?" Fanboy said, his words clipped. "The remodeling? I said, welcoming, and calming. Not, THEME PARK! This is the seventeenth time, just in the last decade, you have remodeled, and changed what it was into what you wanted and not what I want. Fix. It."

"I am so sorry sir. There must have been a mix up with the paperwork." Patricia immediately began apologizing.

"Obviously."

Patricia seemed to turn to leave, only to notice me. "Oh, hello. Are you in the middle of-"

"Yes. You may g-"

"Would like a snickerdoo-"

"No, they don't want a snickerdoodle, Patricia!"

Snickerdoodle.

Patricia.

Theme park.

She popped out of the ground! Like daisies!

Daisies.

Okay seriously, we need therapy.

"Hey, kid. You okay there?" Fanboy asked, like he's asked this same question countless times.

"Where am I?"

"The afterlife. You're dead. Mazel Tov."

"Pretty sure that's only for births." I say. It was the only thing that I could focus on. Because if I was - if I was - if I was d - then that means…

"Take it slow. You'll get there. Eventually." Fanboy said, leaning back in his chair.

Say it. Just say it. Don't be a wuss, and say it. Now. Now. And, now. I will pee in your ghost bed if you don't.

"Who are you?" I force the words out of my mouth.

"I am Death." He said it so casually.

I sunk further in my seat. I look down at my hand, shaking. And could see the table's edge beneath it. If I could throw up I would. If I could cry, I would.

"Wait, how did I get here?" I say, looking back up at him. "I mean, I know I stood in line. But before that. How did I die?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" Death asks.

I take a deep breath and say, "yes, I'm sure."

Death flips to another page in the file. "Short answer, school shooting. Longer answer, Sean from your math class finally snapped. You died, protecting your unrequited crush, the Italian transfer student."

"Di-did An-"

"Yes."

Well at least there's that. At least there's one family that won't have to hold a funeral.

"So, what now?" I'm almost afraid to ask.

"You actually have a few options."

"Okay."

"You could A) go to the afterlife, and be at peace there. B) be reincarnated in your original body, and start your life over from the beginning. C) be reincarnated in your world, just as someone else. Or D) be reincarnated in another world entirely." Death said, giving me my options.

"Would I still have my memories, no matter my choice?" I ask, wanting to cover my bases. "Would I be able to pick what world I go to, should I choose that? Would I get to choose who I get to be?"

Death sighed, "In order. Yes, yes, no."

I spent the next few minutes thinking it over. Luckily, the one I've nicknamed 'Precious', from my last watch of Lord of The Rings, has stayed silent. I spent so long going over the pros and cons of each one that Death fell asleep.

Sliding my foot over, I nudge his chair. And he jerked awake.

"Ah! Tea and crumpets!"

I snorted, and quickly slapped a hand over my mouth. He glared at me, for a moment.

"So, finally decided?"

"Yes." I straighten my back, and say confidently. "I would like to go with option D. And I would like to go to the Harry Potter universe."

"Okay." Death said, marking something in my file with a flourish and slapping it closed.

"Good luck."

Were the last things I heard from Death, before my eyes flutter open.

Looking around gives me pause. I rub my eyes, hoping I'm imagining things. But it doesn't disappear. Turning to the nightstand next to me, I find a wand. And the first bit of excitement begins to hum in my bones.

Picking it up, and with every Potterhead fantasy behind me, I say, "Lumos."

There are no words to describe the joy that I felt when the tip of the wand lit up. Taking a deep breath, I said, "Nox."

I danced and squealed like a child. Such was my joy.

But I had to know. Had to know for sure. Approaching the full length mirror on the back of one of the doors on the other side of the room, was slow. I approached it like you do a wounded, wild animal. Slow, and cautiously.

Finally I could see myself. The new me. I had big eyes. Short brown, Karen hair. And a large mouth, that makes a large unpleasant smile.

I was… Umbridge.

…Nope.

Lifting the wand still in my hand, I point it at my chest, "Avada Kedavra."

A blinding green light filled the room, and I fell to the floor.

Dead.

Again.

"Welcome to the afterlife. Please take a ticket."

I growled, and with the force of a billion angry fans, I pulled a ticket out of the ticket Dispenser. Only for seven to come out with it. I ignored them, that's not my job. My head banged on a barrier. And a sign appeared saying, "I'm sorry. Each recently dead must take their ticket that they pulled."

Reaching over, I grabbed the remaining seven tickets. And tried again.

"I'm sorry. Each recently dead is only allowed one ticket."

"Oh, come on!" The angry people behind me complained.

"Just step out of line. Okay kid."

"They'll get to you eventually!"

Stepping to the side to allow them to pass, I was met with, what? You guessed it?! Another BARRIER!

"I'm sorry. Each recently dead must be attended to in the order they arrived."

There was yelling, screaming, gnashing of teeth.

"Do you know who I am?!"

"I have rights!"

"My father will hear about this!"

But none were as angry as I. I shook, and trembled from the strength of it. The eight tickets I had pulled were clenched so tightly in my fist the tickets had merged into one.

And just like that, the barrier was gone. Cheers went up behind me, but I didn't hear them. Because, I went fifteen steps past the gate, only to be trapped. Stuck in the longest line, behind the slowest walkers known to mankind.

Old people.

I screamed in silent agony and rage. My every footstep expressing the depths of my emotions. Until, after an eternity, I had done it. I have reached the end of the line.

Literally.

I am so proud of myself.

I stood in the room, waiting. I waited three minutes. As soon as he appeared, I vaulted over the table, and falcon punched him in the face.

"What the…you were just here!" Death said, not even phased by the punch. Pissing me off even more.

"You put me in Umbridge." My voice shook with rage.

"I know." Death nods, then points at me, smiling. "But your face!"

"Put me in a better body you bastard!"

"Okay! Okay! Do you still want Harry Potter?"

"...yes. Just if you put me in Umbridge again, or Voldemort, or even one of his Death Eaters, so help me,"

"This one will be better. I promise." Death said, trying to placate me.

I kept the glare on my face the entire time, until I woke up in my new body.