I FEEL SICK
Asuka's eyes fluttered open, her heart sinking as she felt the sun filtering through her bedroom curtain right into her face. She stirred on her bed, noticing how the sheets beside her remained untouched, cold, and empty. The feeling of loneliness and the void left by Shinji's absence still haunted her. She had grown accustomed to sleeping in solitude, but today, it seemed more profound than ever.
The sight of the unoccupied sheets sent a pang of loneliness through her heart, igniting memories of sleepless nights during her younger years. In the silence of her bedroom, she couldn't help but feel the weight of her past haunting her present.
Asuka's mind wandered to the days when she struggled to sleep, plagued by nightmares and fears. The image of a younger version of herself tossing and turning, seeking solace in a world filled with chaos, flashed before her. Even now, with the battles behind her, the scars of her past resurfaced, leaving her feeling adrift and vulnerable.
The realization that she was still grappling with her past both frustrated and saddened her. She had hoped that by now, as she approached her thirties, those memories would have faded, allowing her to embrace the simple pleasures of life with ease.
Yet, the emptiness of her bed served as a stark reminder that she was not immune to the lingering shadows of her past.
Asuka's eyes widened as she glanced at the clock on her bedside table, realizing that she had woken up much later than she intended. It was past lunchtime already.
Panic surged through her as the realization hit her - today was Thursday. The day when Hikari and Tsubame would be in town and would pass by to know her house.
Her stomach churned uneasily, and a wave of nausea washed over her. She stumbled out of bed, rushing to the bathroom to throw up several times.
The sensation of sickness left her weak and disoriented, her thoughts racing as she tried to process the situation, cursing herself for having overslept on such an important day.
In a frenzy, Asuka splashed her face with cold water, trying to regain her composure. She cast a desperate glance at the clock again, feeling the weight of her predicament pressing down on her.
As she moved to the dining area, Asuka struggled to set the table properly. Her mind raced, trying to recall the last time she had a meal with guests. The idea of offering Tsubame only the snacks and junk food she usually indulged in made her cringe inwardly. Instead, she searched through her limited supply of groceries, hoping to find something healthier and more appropriate for a child.
Ten minutes later, she shouted a frustrated cry of rage that pushed away the birds that were standing by the window. "How can I not know my own house?" Asuka lamented, a mix of disappointment and self-criticism clouding her thoughts. The disarray of her life reflected itself in the state of her messy home, leaving her feeling utterly unprepared for the simple act of hosting guests.
As she searched through the clutter, she suddenly felt the familiar pain in her stomach again and rushed to the bathroom.
The weight of her responsibilities and expectations bore down on her, , as she fought against the mixture of stomachache and anxiety that was taking over her body.
Once again, her thoughts became a whirlwind of self-doubt. The anguish of feeling ill-equipped to handle the most basic of domestic tasks weighed heavily on her.
"I was raised to pilot Eva and fight to save this world," Asuka sighed, her voice barely above a whisper. "Not to be a proper host or maintain a tidy home." - she said, punching the wall inches beside the bathroom mirror, in frustration.
"Focus, Asuka. You can do it. You should be able to handle those things by now. You can be a normal functional adult… right?" Asuka questioned herself, her reflection in the mirror mirroring her inner turmoil.
Trying to hold on to this new spark of determination, Asuka took a deep breath and returned to the difficult task of setting the house in order. She cleared the table, neatly arranging plates, cups, and cutlery, her mind racing with thoughts of creating a warm and inviting atmosphere for her guests.
She had just finished setting the table when the sickness attacked again, leading in another trip to the bathroom.
A flicker of panic rose within her as she heard the doorbell ringing. She looked at the mirror and glanced down at her attire - white panties and a hastily thrown-on robe.
She felt sick. And immediately felt the urge to throw up again, the anxiety once tightening its grip on her stomach.
The sound of the doorbell persisted, prompting Asuka to take several deep breaths to suppress the uneasy feeling in her body and steel herself for what lay ahead.
With her determination only slightly outweighing her unease, she wiped her mouth, forced a small smile, and walked toward the door.
"Welcome home!"– she said with the most carefree and soft voice that she could manage as she opened the door to meet her visitors.
Hikari, with her warm smile and kind eyes, exuded an air of gentle maturity that had only deepened over the years. Her presence alone seemed to bring a sense of comfort, a reminder of the familiarity they shared.
Beside Hikari stood Tsubame, a small and vibrant force of energy that radiated innocence and curiosity. Her big eyes sparkled with wonder, her cheeks held a soft flush, and her chubby little fingers clutched onto a small doll, that Asuka tried hard to ignore.
Hikari stepped into Asuka's house, her heart warm with anticipation of the long-awaited reunion. As she entered, her eyes took in the effort Asuka had put into preparing the space. The neatly arranged furniture and the decorated dinner table, with a nice scent of fresh food, gave a welcoming touch to the otherwise cluttered abode.
"Tsubame, look! Asuka's house is so beautiful, isn't it?" Hikari said, nudging her daughter playfully.
Asuka smiled awkwardly, gesturing towards the couch. "Please, have a seat. I hope you'll be comfortable."
Tsubame, wide-eyed and curious, looked around with fascination. Asuka lost no time and soon tried to entertain the little girl, offering snacks, and trying to be friendly, with a touch of uncertainty. "Would you like some fruit, Tsubame? Or do you prefer those biscuits?"
Tsubame's eyes wandered towards her mother with a sad look, pleading to go back into her lap. Asuka's heart sank slightly, feeling a pang of disappointment and frustration.
As Hikari observed the scene unfolding before her, she couldn't help but feel a mixture of emotions. While she appreciated Asuka's earnest efforts to create a welcoming environment and was grateful for the gesture, she also sensed a layer of unease and artificiality in Asuka's actions.
It was as if Asuka were trying to play a role, attempting to be someone she wasn't quite comfortable being.
As Tsubame stared at the snacks without any interest, Hikari noticed the slight tremor in Asuka's hands as she asked the little girl. "Tsubame, what a pretty doll you have here. What is her name?"
That interaction would be considered normal for most of people, but it spoke volumes to Hikari, revealing the vulnerability that lurked beneath the confident façade Asuka presented to the world.
As Asuka tried her best to keep Tsubame entertained, Hikari's eyes wandered towards the corner of the room, where a seemingly forgotten photo frame stood, hidden among the clutter. Curiosity got the better of her, and she gently picked it up.
Her heart skipped a beat as she saw the picture inside - a young Shinji Ikari, smiling brightly, holding a lunchbox wrapped in a striped cloth. The image seemed to contrast sharply with the current atmosphere, reminding Hikari of the carefree days of their youth.
She couldn't help but whisper. "Asuka… even after all this time… you are still waiting for him to come back and help you?"
That whisper, however, might have been a little too loud. Asuka slowly got up, her eyes locking with Hikari's as she caught sight of the photo frame. A moment of vulnerability and tension passed between them.
Turning to Asuka, Hikari mustered the courage to ask, "Do you ever miss those days?"
Asuka's response was unexpected, making Hikari's heart skip a beat. "No, I don't," Asuka replied, her voice tinged with a hint of sadness.
"But why not?" Hikari inquired; her concern evident.
Asuka's gaze remained fixed on the photo frame as she explained, "I'm ashamed of those days, Hikari. Back then, I put so much pressure on myself to be the best pilot. I thought being the best would make me stronger, more confident, and worthy of admiration."
Hikari listened intently, her heart going out to her friend. She had always known Asuka to be strong-willed and determined, but she had never fully grasped the extent of the burdens Asuka carried.
"I tried so hard to appear mature and adult-like," Asuka continued, her voice tinged with vulnerability. "But deep down, I was just a scared girl."
Hikari reached out, placing a comforting hand on Asuka's shoulder. "Asuka, it's okay. You had a lot to handle. Piloting Eva, since a young age." – she looked at Tsubame, who was still playing with her doll – "I can't even imagine…"
Asuka's eyes met Hikari's, a mix of gratitude and pain in her gaze. "You don't understand," she said softly. "That's not an excuse for the fact that I hurt people along the way."
Hikari felt a pang of empathy, sensing the weight of remorse in Asuka's words. "You mean..."
Asuka nodded, her voice barely above a whisper. "Yes, Hikari. My obsession with being the best pilot, my desire to be admired and respected... It only drove me to push people away, to act recklessly, and to hurt those who cared about me."
Hikari followed Asuka's gaze to the photo frame, understanding dawning on her. She saw the younger Shinji Ikari in the picture, a gentle smile on his face as he offered a lunchbox to Asuka. She could sense the weight of regret in Asuka's gaze.
"Asuka, you can't change the past. But you can learn from it and grow." Hikari whispered, her heart aching at the sight of her friend's sad face
Asuka's voice trembled as she spoke about Shinji, knowing that she couldn't avoid the topic any longer. She sighed, her emotions spilling out in a torrent of honesty. "I know. But easier said than done. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently."
Asuka's eyes drifted to the photo of Shinji once more, memories of their past together resurfacing. "When I first met him, I thought he was a coward and immature. Someone completely different from me - a spoiled, selfish boy who acted all helpful and pitiful just so people would like him. Like a helpless puppy that played the sympathy card to win people over. But when someone needed his help or dared him to do something, he would freeze and run away from his responsibilities."
Asuka's gaze grew distant, lost in memories of their intertwined paths. "Or so I thought. He was selfless, kind, patient. He never gave up, no matter how tough things got. He was brave, in his own quiet way. And then there was me. Impulsive, temperamental. A red devil, like those stooges called me. I pushed people away, and I got angry easily. I'm not the most patient person, and I've hurt people, including Shinji. Pathetic, right?"
Hikari's mind wandered through her recollections of Shinji's uncertainties, struggles, and doubts. His moments of self-doubt and hesitation, his struggle to find his place in a world that demanded so much from him.
She had noticed them with her own eyes on some occasions. Toji also told her about several other cases where Shinji would simply sit down and do nothing but lament his existence. Yet, she set her thoughts aside, focusing on Asuka and the labyrinth of emotions she was navigating.
She continued her voice a mixture of self-reflection and vulnerability. "I was raised all my life to be the best Eva pilot, to excel in battles and be strong. But Shinji was a different case. He never wanted to pilot. He just wanted to have a normal life, outside of the spotlight. Something I never understood back then."
A flicker of pain crossed her features as she admitted, "But as time went on, I realized we had more in common than I wanted to admit. We both struggled with the trauma of not having a true family, the fear of failure, and not living up to others' expectations."
Asuka continued, her voice carrying a complex blend of reverence and self-awareness "However, there was still a difference. While I chose to put on a defiant façade and confront others head-on, he withdrew into his own world. But guess what? Over time, I found myself doing the same things he did - seeking refuge in video games, disconnecting from people, and... running away. From myself. From relationships. From the responsibilities of adulthood."
Her voice softened, a touch of vulnerability threading through her words. "Meanwhile, Shinji gained courage and maturity with each passing day, conquering one victory after another. It's ironic, isn't it? We had the same flaws and traumas, yet we chose such different paths to cope with them. And, of course, I chose the wrong path."
Hikari's gaze remained steady, her eyes reflecting her understanding of Asuka's struggles. "Asuka, we all have our flaws. But that doesn't define who we are."
Asuka's voice softened as she looked down, her vulnerability laid bare. "I won't let my past define me. Even so, that doesn't change the fact that the path I chose to follow since my childhood was the right bet to face a world of war and constant battles, while the path that Shinji has built was able to make him do all of that even better and also made him able of doing great in a world of peace, free from Eva and its burdens. So, even though I know my worth, intelligence, and competency in handling some complex tasks, I still feel incomplete."
In the midst of their conversation, Tsubame's tiny fingers reached out to gently chug Asuka's, her childlike wonderment sparking a softer note in the room. Asuka froze with the unexpected touch, while Hikari offered a huge smile of approval.
"Well, aren't you just a bundle of surprises?" Asuka murmured, her voice gentle as she ruffled Tsubame's hair affectionately. The touch of the child's innocent embrace was a reminder of the simplicity and beauty of the world that existed even if it appeared to be invisible when the overwhelming web of adult life's complexities gets all of the attention.
Asuka crouched down, her fingers moving nimbly to create a series of amusing faces, each designed to draw out giggles from Tsubame. She exaggerated her expressions, allowing the lines of her face to contort in playful ways.
Asuka then reached for a nearby magazine, flipping through its pages to find images that might captivate Tsubame's imagination. "Look, Tsubame," she said, her tone a mixture of excitement and creativity, "let's see what's hiding in these pages, shall we?"
As Tsubame's tiny fingers reached out to touch the magazines, Hikari realized that Asuka once again was trying her best to entertain the little girl. She tore and folded pages of the magazines into crude origami shapes, made exaggerated silly faces that elicited giggles from the child, and even attempted to show her pictures, despite the lack of child-friendly content.
She had watched Tsubame's eyes light up with amusement and curiosity, her own heart softening in response. And then, with a swift movement, the little girl threw a small cushion at Asuka's face, a mischievous glint in her eye.
As the cushion hit Asuka, her expression shifted from surprise to a cold, almost angry glare. The sudden change of mood had made Hikari, who had been observing the interaction, shiver involuntarily. Tsubame's laughter had faltered, and a hint of fear had crept into her innocent eyes.
But then, in the blink of an eye, Asuka turned her expression into one of playful aggression. With a mischievous grin, she lunged towards Tsubame, fingers wiggling in the air. "Oh, you think you can attack the great Asuka, huh? You little idiot!" she playfully taunted, her voice carrying a mixture of mock arrogance and genuine warmth.
Tsubame's fear had melted away as Asuka's fingers brushed against her sides, tickling her gently. The little girl's laughter had filled the room, a chorus of pure joy that seemed to wash away the tension that had briefly lingered. Asuka's laughter had joined Tsubame's.
The scene had shifted into a playful chase, Tsubame darting away with surprising speed for a toddler, and Asuka giving chase with exaggerated determination. "I won't let the little idiot get away from me!" she had declared, her voice a playful challenge.
Hikari had watched the interaction unfold, her heart warming at the sight of her daughter and her friend connecting in such a genuine way. The laughter, the playfulness, and the shared moments of joy had reassured her that Asuka would be ok.
That fire. That confidence. That presence in her loud and unique way was always able to light up the room like a fire in a camp. That was Asuka, at her best. The side of her that Toji and many others always failed to see. Too bad for them.
As she looked at Asuka chasing Tsubame through the house, both laughing and having a great time, Hikari looked at the picture frame again and smiled as she whispered, reminding her of the fondest memories of their school days. "You saw it from the start, right Ikari? And that's why you always loved her."
Hikari's introspective moment was interrupted by a soft rustling sound, and she turned to see Tsubame nestled in Asuka's arms, fast asleep.
For a moment, Asuka's heart swelled at the sight of the peaceful expression on the little girl's face, a stark contrast to the turmoil she often felt within herself.
Awkwardly adjusting her hold on Tsubame, Asuka walked towards Hikari, a mix of tenderness and uncertainty in her gaze. "Here," she said softly, her voice tinged with a touch of vulnerability. "She's asleep."
Hikari gently took Tsubame into her arms, a warm smile gracing her lips. "Thank you, Asuka. You did a great job with her today."
Asuka's cheeks tinged with a faint blush; her discomfort evident. "Yeah, well... I tried."
Hikari's gaze met Asuka's, a mixture of understanding and reassurance in her eyes. "You did more than just try, Asuka. You opened up and shared a part of yourself with her. And with me too. So, thank you."
Asuka's lips curved into a small smile, a hint of gratitude in her expression. "I guess I did."
Hikari adjusted Tsubame in her arms, her heart swelling with affection for her daughter and her friend. "We should be going now. Tsubame needs to get back to the hotel and take her bath."
Asuka nodded, her gaze lingering on the sleeping child. "Yes. You can't risk having her getting her father's bad habits. Take care of your family, Hikari."
Hikari nodded, her voice gentle. "You too, Asuka. And remember, we're here for you. Whenever you need."
As Hikari turned to leave, Asuka watched them go, a mixture of emotions swirling within her. The door closed behind them, leaving Asuka alone in once again.
With a resolute sigh, Asuka turned away from the door, her gaze falling on the photo of Shinji once more. She couldn't change the past, but she could shape her future. And as she looked at that boy's smiling face, a sense of hope welled up within her.
After they left, Asuka lost the flow of time and focused on cleaning and doing the house chores to make the house tidy for a change. This time, doing those chores didn't bother her. In fact, she kind of enjoyed that, with a sense of a mission accomplished fueling positive thoughts in her mind.
However, those feelings were short-lived. As nightfall settled outside the windows, Asuka stood alone in her dimly lit room, the weight of the day and her emotions pressing upon her like a suffocating fog.
The room, once filled with laughter and warmth, now felt hollow and empty. She held her stomach, feeling a mixture of nausea and uncomfortable emotions churning within her.
The urge to cry clawed at the edges of her consciousness, but she fought it back, her pride and determination warring against the vulnerability that threatened to consume her.
"Get a grip, Asuka," she whispered to herself, her voice wavering slightly. "Just sleep, already."
With a heavy sigh, she turned away from the window and headed towards her cold and empty bed. As she lay down, her mind became a battleground of doubts and fears.
She could hear voices in her head. Some of them of people that she knew. Some of them were from people that she didn't know. Each one whispered that she would fail, that she would lose control and disappoint everyone yet again.
Tears threatened to spill, but she fought them back, unwilling to succumb to her insecurities.
Then, as if in response to her unspoken anguish, a warm presence seemed to envelop her. The bed that had felt so cold a moment ago now radiated warmth.
"Why did you leave me alone, Shinji?" she murmured, her voice a mix of longing and frustration.
A voice, so familiar and so dearly missed, responded with regret. "Asuka... I'm sorry."
She let out a sigh, a mixture of frustration and fondness. "You know that I hate when you do that, idiot."
The voice spoke again, tinged with regret, "I know... but I really am. I wished I could be here with you this day, to meet them too."
Her voice trembled as she admitted, stubbornly, "Me too." – quickly adding – "But it was foolish and selfish to wish that you would be here with me."
The voice spoke again, sad, with a soft plea in its tone. "Asuka, please, I don't want to see you like this. You know that if I could, I would..."
Asuka cut in, her voice laced with a mixture of sadness and anger. "You know nothing, idiot. I am more than capable of doing things on my own, don't you see? I just... miss you so much, you know?"
"I miss you too, Asuka," the voice replied, its sentiment echoing through the darkness. "But remember. No matter where I am, I am always with you in my heart, mind and soul."
Her voice softened a hint of longing in her words. "So now that you are here. just hold me, idiot husband. And stop traveling so much or find another job."
"Sorry."
Asuka's heart was calmer now as they lay in bed together, her body curled against Shinji's warmth. His arms held her close and the gentle touch of his hand on her belly filled her with a sense of peace, as they talked about the events of the past days and cuddled until she realized that Shinji had fallen asleep.
She knew that tomorrow would be a tough day. She needed to tell Shinji about her sickness, her mood changes, and the fact that she was late. And to make him connect the dots.
She smirked as she imagined him freaking out with the news and getting paralyzed, not knowing what to do, while she would yell at him to man up and help her to go to the doctor and check it out as soon as possible, and he will follow her lead.
However, she also knew that, when they saw the result of the tests, she would be the one scared and he would man up and sort up everything that they needed, like he always does.
Even after all those times and the battles they faced, they are still both scared children after all. But they are also warriors. And a team. Where one has what the other lacks. And they know that they can face everything when they are together. Even if it hurts, they will endure the pain and be able to keep going and try again.
She closed her eyes with satisfaction as she realized that they would always be the opposite sides of the same coin. Not equal, but not so different after all. Not incompatible, but complementary.
Her belly ached again as she felt a small bump. And Asuka smiled, as a profound sleep and good dreams slowly took over her mind.
She was feeling sick.
And that was a wonderful feeling.
Author notes: This is a fanfiction written for the COMICUP30 AsuShin Fanfic Contest. As you can see, another "Long Time no See" like twist but this time it was also an homage to The 2nd Try and JimmyWolk's works since I am revisiting those works for another project. The intent was to explore Asuka's dysfunctional state of mind in coping with regular adult life in a post-Eva world reflect by the state of her home in a way that can be read as Asuka exploring her (lack of) growth and struggles to find her new place in this new world through other people lenses (Hikari) and showing that despite her feeling that she won't be able to make it, she will be able to win (Tsubame), while toying with the reader regarding what happened to Shinji and playing the subversion of the "I feel sick" line at EoE - often misread by the fandom as real pregnancy - in some levels. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week.
