Quotes in italics are directly from The Search for Spock.

"McCoy, son of David, since thou art human, we cannot expect thee to understand fully what Sarek has requested. Spock's body lives. With your approval, we shall use all our powers to return to his body that which you possess. But McCoy, be warned: the danger to thyself is as grave as the danger to Spock. You must make the choice," the Vulcan high priestess, T'Lar, said. Bones briefly glanced over before giving his answer, the one I think we all knew he would give.

"I choose the danger. Hell of a time to ask."

My two friends lay down with T'Lar standing between them, a hand on each of their heads as she attempted the ritual that has not been done in so long that it may only be legend. I waited anxiously for hours, though I had hope that Spock and McCoy would be alright. Considering all the other things we've survived over the years, I believed that only something good could come of this.

I hadn't thought Spock living again was a possibility. Even when Sarek told me about the katra, the original plan had just been to get it back here to Vulcan. I never expected Spock's body to be regenerated by Genesis.

Everything will be fine, I told myself, wringing my hands. I wasn't sure how much more of this anticipation I could handle.

It seemed to finally be done when a gong rang out and the high priestess stepped away. I noticed her discussing something with Sarek. My heart leapt into my throat when I saw Spock stand up, and the Vulcans were outfitting him in what must have been some kind of traditional robe. Then Sarek came down the steps.

"How's Spock?" I asked. A sense of dread began to grow in the pit of my stomach. There was something grave about his expression, albeit a lot more muted than a human's would be. Something had gone wrong.

"Only time will answer. But Kirk, Doctor McCoy–"

"Is there something wrong with him?" I interrupted. Sarek hesitated for a moment, and I found I didn't want to hear the answer.

"While the transfer of Spock's katra back to his own body was successful, the process of separation caused irreparable damage that unfortunately resulted in the loss of McCoy's life."

I stared, my mind reeling. Unfortunately? Sometimes I really hated the way Vulcans worded things. "What? Isn't there anything you can do?" I demanded as I pushed past Sarek and faced T'Lar.

"There is not, James Kirk. I have tried." It can't be. I rushed to McCoy's side. His face was still, eyes closed. Not breathing. I checked his pulse even though I knew already that I wouldn't find one.

I bowed my head. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want to trade. I set out to help them both! I knelt there for several minutes, waiting for some kind of miracle. It didn't happen.

I studied the pale face of my brother one more time. "Bones..." I choked, my vision blurring. He's been a close friend for so many years, even longer than Spock. Bones' support had been vital to me when I was captain. I supposed I should be grateful– he had been living on borrowed time, after all. We could have lost him to xenopolycythemia years ago, among other things. An unwanted memory came to mind of the time McCoy gave himself up to be tortured and nearly died on Minara so that the Vians wouldn't take Spock. Then, I was able to convince them not to let him die. There was nothing I could do this time.

Tears finally slipped down my cheeks as I realized that I hadn't said anything to him before the fal-tor-pan. I should've taken the warning more seriously. At least before Spock died, I got to speak with him. And now Spock was alive again! This was the most conflicting feeling I'd ever experienced. I was glad Spock was back, but how could I be glad about it when it cost Bones his life?

I squeezed his hand; it was still warm. I gently slid his old ring off the pinky finger. It should probably go to his daughter. As I stood up and turned away, my anger started to burn. Anger towards Sarek, T'Lar, myself, and even Spock. Sarek came up to me again. I really didn't want to hear anything more from him.

"Kirk, I thank you. What you have done for my son has cost you greatly. I grieve with thee."

Right. No you don't. Believe me, you have no clue. He wasn't going to have to live with a hole in his heart.

"Don't thank me," I said, walking away before I had a chance to say something I'd regret. This wasn't supposed to happen. It should've been me. If Spock had just given me his katra instead...

'It's ultimately my fault,' I thought, looking down at the ring in my hand. 'I was the one who made him come out of retirement in the first place. He could've been safe.' My self recriminations were interrupted by Spock walking up next to me. I closed my hand and turned to face him.

"My father says you have been my friend. You came back for me," he said.

"You would've done the same for me," I said tiredly. Spock didn't even remember me.

"Why would you do this?"

"Because the needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many." Spock turned to look at the rest of the crew, likely trying to figure out my illogical statement. I'd kind of forgotten that they were there. They all had somber expressions, though I saw a hint of a smile in all their faces.

"I have been, and ever shall be, your friend," Spock said. I felt a small spark of hope. It was coming back to him!

"Yes. Yes, Spock!"

"The ship– out of danger?"

"You saved the ship. You saved us all! Don't you remember?"

Spock stepped closer. "Jim. Your name is Jim."

"Yes." I couldn't help smiling now; I couldn't truly be mad at Spock. The others gathered around and greeted him warmly. Then Spock frowned at me.

"The doctor gave his life so that I could live again." My chest tightened. "It was not my intention to put him at risk. When I realized there was a problem in the transfer, since I still had contact with his mind, I attempted to explain that only one of us could survive because the damage would force one of us to let go. He insisted that I should be the one to live and would not hear my protest. I could not stop him." Tears pricked at my eyes again. I didn't trust myself to speak.

"He wanted me to tell you that it was not your fault, that it was his decision. He also did not want you to be hard on yourself for not having said anything to him before he took the risk. He was grateful to have served with the Enterprise crew and wishes us all the best." I glanced back in the direction of where McCoy's body still lay and tried not to fall apart. Those words weren't as comforting as I'm sure Bones had been hoping. I couldn't agree that it wasn't my fault at all.

I was completely taken off guard when Spock pulled me into a hug. Despite our closeness, Spock had never hugged me before. It wasn't something that Vulcans ever did.

"Spock...?"

"It is from McCoy." he answered my unspoken question softly. Of course. Of course Bones thought of that too. The tears were coming down again with a vengeance as I returned the hug, burying my face in Spock's shoulder. I stepped back once I felt I had pulled it together enough to talk.

"Thank you, Spock." Now I had to figure out what to do for a burial. I knew Bones had wanted to be taken back to Georgia, but we didn't currently have a ship with the necessary equipment to preserve his body until we could get back to Earth. He definitely would not have chosen to be buried on Vulcan, and I felt sorry that Joanna wouldn't be able to visit his grave; however, it was the best option we had. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes before addressing the high priestess about this.

"An outworlder has never been buried here, but we will allow it for your friend since he has done this noble thing for Spock," she conceded. Circumstances made this funeral a lot different from what it would have been. Once we gathered around our fallen doctor, I turned to my crew, my friends who had risked their careers to help me bring Spock back. I knew that they would all miss McCoy too. There was a lot I could say about Bones, but I summed it up as best I could like I had for Spock.

"Leonard McCoy was–" my voice cracked, "the most extraordinary doctor I've ever known. His dedication to saving lives was never limited to the use of his medical skills. He was always there for me... a truly irreplaceable friend." I can't do this. There was a heavy silence until Spock spoke up.

"It was once asked if Doctor McCoy and I were enemies, as we disagreed and argued so often, but whenever I was in danger or needed assistance, he was always there. The truth is that he was like a brother to me," Spock said. I don't know how he said that with an expression that only people who knew him very well could read emotion in. It was incredibly hard for me to understand how Vulcans could suppress feelings of grief so expertly. I would implode if I tried to keep it all inside.

Once the burial was finished, I followed behind Chekov, Sulu, Saavik, Scotty, Uhura, and Spock as we silently boarded the Klingon ship. I hesitated in the doorway for a moment, though I didn't look back. Uhura lightly touched my arm. I tried to give her my best 'I'm fine' smile and stepped in, the door closing behind me. I was still clenching McCoy's ring tightly in my hand. I was going to have to let go.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

A/N: If this makes you too sad, go watch the real ending of the movie!