Bleach: The Kitchen Nighmare
Shirahime Thorne has been on the hunt for more money-making ideas, to solve the Fifth Division's financial woes. This came after her stellar leadership couldn't pay the unit's expenses. However, she had tried out, and succeeded with, some ideas already.
First, her division launched a "gameshow" where men competed to marry her, which resulted in her having another kid (not exactly great execution on that one, or maybe it was intentional). This did result in some financial relief, however. She then went on Maury Povich to determine this kid's paternity, and make some money while she was at it. A minor detail was that she and everyone involved already knew who the dad was, but trash reality TV always sells. A great grift to be sure, but surely there were more ways to strike it rich.
Then, a lightbulb went off in her head. Surely, Miami would be a great place for a new high-end restaurant. How hard could it be? She could make pretty much anything with a microwave, and could borrow equipment from the other Divisions. She could just Google whatever recipe she needed. She also had connections: she would ask a chef she knew, Kirio Hikifune, to come along, as well as other members of her and other Divisions to work as cooks and waiters.
Using some money she'd pulled together, she bought a disused liquor store in the neighborhood of Model City, eastside of Miami. Location was key, after all. But now for a name: Wakinoshita no Kasabuta. It sounded Japanese, and would surely bring an exotic flair to this part of town.
She and the other members of her Division put together a menu, and expected the business to start rolling in. However, after the first week, customer satisfaction didn't seem up to par. That is, if the health code violations and ambulance visits were anything to go by. There may have been a slight miscalculation in how to run this business.
Shirahime was certainly thinking so, but then heard of a lifeline for restaurants that needed some expert outside help. Aizen had come across a reality TV show from the Earth realm fitting this exact situation. It was surely accurate, and not-at-all a ratings grab relying on selective editing and cult of personality. It was worth a shot.
(A New Character Enters the Scene)
On one particular Friday afternoon, after the ambulance left and Aizen put away the mop bucket, he filled Shirahime in. "His name is Gordon Ramsay. He's this British chef who's apparently become a billionaire and a hobby of his is helping failing restaurants", Aizen said.
Shirahime was somewhat incredulous. "He just does this out of the kindness of his heart? What's in it for him?"
"Well it is for one of his 'reality' TV shows."
" 'One of' ?"
"Well yes. There's bound to be some embellishment. But surely he knows what he's doing."
"I guess we need to invite him, contact his press team. We'll see if it works".
Shirahime made a video appealing to Gordon Ramsay to come to the restaurant and offer his expert advice. A few days later, this video found its way to Gordon, and more importantly his editing team.
"Right, so we've got another restaurant, this time in Florida?"
"Yes, Gordon. The owner sent a video. We can spice it up. We'll see what you think of it." Like many other videos before, this video was ripe for material. On its face it was a fairly standard request for business advice. However, the editing team threw some sad music in the background, and cut in some still shots of Shirahime looking miserable. And voila, it was suddenly a desperate plea for demi-God Gordon Ramsay to save her life's dream.
Gordon approved. "Now that is one sob story I can work with", he said. "They all are, of course. Let them know we'll be there in a week."
A week later, Shirahime was excited for the meeting. Gordon was coming for lunch. The star power alone would be an asset. She was also pensive; even now, Aizen was helping brainstorm more money-making ideas in case things didn't work out.
Some weren't too appealing. "Wait, what was that one again?", she asked him.
"It's called 'OnlyFans'. Technically you can put any kind of content out there, and there will be guys paying monthly-"
Shirahime cut him off and spent five seconds googling this 'content'. She gave Aizen a glare that would strip paint.
"Ok, haha, bad example. I guess only one kind of 'content' really sells much. I've heard of specialty vending machines in Japan, they have them for everything. I'll just google what kind we can invest in... oh, oh dear... I thought *those kind* were an urban legend."
"What kind is that?"
Aizen, desiring to keep his male body parts attached to his body, quickly made up some other type. "I guess we can try coming up with other ideas later."
It was shortly after this that Gordon's team arrived and greeted Shirahime. "Hey there, Gordon will be here soon. We'll prep for his arrival by placing cameras everywhere where an interaction can happen. We'll make the audience feel like they're here."
Shirahime expected this on some level, though it was still invasive. "Uhh, ok. So when will Gordon arrive?"
"He'll be here in a bit." An hour passed. Then, they noticed a flurry of activity outside the entrance. Shirahime, Aizen, and Kirio waited in the dining area. They saw him enter: the blond Michelin legend, the myth, the God. While he was coming in to greet the head staff, his editing team was already planning the music and sound effects.
"Hello there, so you must be Shirahime. You own this restaurant? And how has business been?"
"Well, we've been open for a few weeks, and we haven't really made a profit. Miami is a tougher market than we would've thought."
"What are the chief problems, do you think?"
"The customers seem to be allergic. And we can use new equipment." The walk-in cooler was simply the old refrigerated area of the liquor store. Maintenance wasn't the team's strong suit, so the ingredients were not always optimal. To be fair to Kirio, any chef would perform poorly in this situation.
"Well then, I think I'll order something off the menu and we'll see." Gordon took a seat with the camera trained on him. Shirahime and the others scampered back to the kitchen, and sent out the waiter.
Shirahime briefed everyone. "If we screw this up, we're done for. Let's try not to kill him by accident."
The waiter came up to Gordon Ramsay. "Hello, it's great to have you. Here's your menu."
"What's your name?"
"Ichigo."
"You seem young to be working here."
Ichigo gave him a nervous smile. "I uh, Shirahime thought I should come along. Avoid a girl who's been overly grabby with me."
Gordon continued. "Ah, you young devil. I know what it's like. So what's the kejirami like? That does sound exotic."
"It's like ramen, people seem to like it. It's from Southern Japan."
"Right, I think I'll try that and the isan soup."
"Ok, I'll be right back."
Ichigo went back and gave them the order. While they prepared this, Gordon made remarks for the camera, almost whispering as if having a close conversation. "Oh dear, the decor in here. It looks like a high school cafeteria after a hurricane. I've eaten in North Korean prison camps less depressing."
Ichigo came back out and gave Gordon the food. Gordon thanked him; now it was showtime. Suspenseful music and sound effects invoking fear or stress were added by the editing team. This was necessary, apparently, because the audience at home was too stupid to know when to feel that way otherwise.
The camera zoomed in on the food while Gordon gave his critique. First, the kejirami. "My god, it looks like my dog shat out a clump of worms. Welp, may as well taste it." After giving this a try, he quipped, "Looks may be deceiving, but not this time." With a disgusted grimace, next he tried the isan. "It's bland! You could feed this soup to a death row inmate, and they'd decide to go hungry."
The team watched him try this food, and give his horrid reactions. Shirahime slowly began to turn toward Aizen. "Are you SURE this was actually a good idea?", she hissed. "Maybe I should give OnlyFans another look-what's the doing now?!"
Gordon dramatically jumped up and ran toward the bathroom. Once he entered, the editing team added obnoxiously loud vomiting sounds, and even more dramatic music.
Shirahime and her staff began the blame game, which of course was captured by the cameras. "We should've waited until we had a real walk-in cooler! I can't work with this stuff!", Kirio said.
Shirahime retorted: "You're the legendary chef, why can't you make it work?! Or tell me if it needs replacing!" The editing team kept up the dramatic music, and also used the signature off-key violin sound effect.
After this banter and an uncomfortable silence, Gordon came back out. He gave a thumbs-up to his team, signaling to cut the camera feed. "Great, we got alot of material there, for Act 1." He turned to Shirahime. "I'll be back on Monday for your dinner service, observing. We'll see if we can bring in more customers for the occasion, and I'll take a look at your equipment." Kirio dreaded this. The team also wondered how many customers would be coming.
Shirahime awkwardly concluded this. "Ok, we look forward to it. Maybe some other dishes will be better-hey Kirio, ixnay on the ejirami-kay."
Shirahime and her staff closed down, and tried to get ready for the big show on Monday. Surely this would be different.
(A Minor Stress Test)
The classic "stress test" of the show. Where Gordon and co. would bring in extra people from online ads, etc. as customers, and Gordon's team would film their reactions. This was typically a larger number of customers than the beleaguered restaurant was used to. In theory, it was supposed to demonstrate to the restaurant the realistic demands of a packed house. In practice however, it always yielded ample footage of disgusted and impatient guests.
In the days leading up to this, everyone was getting ready. While Shirahime and her staff were working on the menu and googling what color raw pork was supposed to be, Gordon could be heard in his hotel room, delivering some very unpleasant verbal lashings.
"YOU USELESS SACK OF FISH PISS! I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY FIST SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE, I'LL PUNCH YOUR TEETH OUT BACKWARDS!" As our view pans back, Gordon is holding a notepad while standing in front of a mirror. "Hmm, not bad. I think I'll write that one down. Lessee..." Gordon panned down the notepad. "Donkey, Idiot sandwich, Dog's ball sack, Crotch stain, aaaand... Walking birth control commercial. There, we can start with that and improvise later."
"How's it going, Mr. Ramsay?", one of this staff asked.
Gordon opened the door. "Great, as always. We get lots of guests?"
"Oh yes."
"Thanks, looking forward to it. It'll be fun to see how this place does. Like we don't already know."
While Gordon was enjoying some downtime before the next showtime, other figures were taking note of him being here, and how they could benefit. Ron DeSantis, chief among them. He desperately needed to boost his popularity, since he was badly trailing behind a particular colorful figure for the 2024 presidential race. Gordon Ramsay was a celebrity that voters of all ages would surely recognize. The plan was, if he could somehow make this reality show all about him, it could be big. Getting maximum screen time, and showing enthusiasm for restoring local businesses, would be key.
Overlapping with this, when Monday morning came, DeSantis held the largest press conference he had held up to that point. He allocated a giant boost in funding to renovate Model City in Miami "to show the US, and the world, that Florida works." After promising he could do the same on the scale of the entire country, he concluded, "in fact, I think I'll stop by one of the local eateries in Model City. We'll show the world just how awesome Florida can be, and the hope our citizens hold."
This was news to Gordon, albeit welcome.
The time came, and Shirahime's team waited through the final tense minutes before 5:00. Finally, Gordon came in, in his signature white chef's jacket, and the customers also filtered in.
"I'm going to be sick", Kirio thought. "How many people are there?
"I guess we better start taking orders- hey wait, who's that? Oh god, we're screwed." Shirahime spotted Governor DeSantis come in and start talking to Gordon about his grand plans for Florida.
DeSantis hammed it up for the camera. "Gordon, I think what you're doing is excellent, and we're cut from the same cloth. You always want to help people, and I'd like to give more selfless service by visiting small businesses."
Gordon could only answer, "Well, good luck, with everything. Thanks for coming by (and bringing me viewers of course). We may see you on the news tomorrow."
"Oh you bet. I think I'll order something and get started." He took a seat and monologued to the camera about he and Gordon were kindred spirits, and how he looked forward to revitalizing the neighborhood.
Gordon meanwhile went over to the kitchen area and looked at some of the food being prepared. "Right, let's take a look at what's going out. My lunch on Friday was trash." He looked over at one tray about to head out. "And what's this?"
"It's a tuna dish, Gomibako no sakana."
"It looks like something I pulled out of my granddad's underpants, and he's DEAD." Gordon took the fish and threw it out, his dramatic fashion caught on camera with a "thud" sound effect. The music was increasingly tense.
He continued his commentary, and also gave his critique on the kitchen equipment. "My god, when was this cleaned?! It looks like a homeless shelter bathroom!" He pulled out one of the ovens, and began scraping the crud off the back with his hand. "Look at this! Look!"
With Shirahime's team mortified, he then went over to her microwave. "Do you microwave everything or make it fresh?"
Shirahime responded, "It's the same, isn't it?"
Gordon only looked on dumbfounded. He opened the microwave. "Good god, it looks like you microwaved a used barf bag in here." Among all of Shirahime's staff, no one was the designated cleaning person.
Gordon then went on to the key area, the highlight of his inspection: the WORST (or, when TV ratings are involved, the BEST) part: the walk-in cooler. Cue the horror music and sound effects every few seconds, sometimes overlapping. "OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST! WHAT HORRORSHOW HAVE I WALKED INTO?!" The camera swung around at the display; cooked and raw food on the same shelves, raw meat displaying colors not seen in nature, and unlabeled bins of mystery items.
He continued showing his disgust. Eventually he pulled some shelves away from the wall, and reached down to retrieve a (mostly) mummified cat. "Is THIS the ramen I had on Friday?!" Nervous laughter came from some of the staff observing him. "You think this is funny? I've seen funnier news stories about cancer!"
And on another shelf: "What is THIS?! Chicken? Where did you find this, a dumpster behind an abandoned slaughter house?!" He then grabbed a nearby bucket with some unidentified red crud lining the bottom and dry-heaved.
Gordon kept on berating the staff, with the customers hearing him. To them it sounded like an escaped mental patient was having a particularly loud seizure. His editing team loved every second of it. One woman asked her date, "...did he say something about fish piss?"
Out in the dining area, food was still coming out. While the disgusting tuna never made it out, other tables weren't so lucky. One received their pork and salmon dishes. The husband, after trying the pork, ran to the bathroom while his stomach was forcefully ejecting everything he had eaten in his life out of every available orifice. His groans and apparent misery were ratings gold.
One may wonder: Why in the world would anyone let customers eat in this place before such problems were determined, let alone fixed? For various legal and ethical reasons, it seemed backwards. However, TV viewers loved it. The editing team spliced in footage of Gordon's ongoing inspection with customers eating, to great effect.
Ron DeSantis was largely buried in his phone until his food came out. He was oblivious to the reactions other customers had. But now he spoke up to the camera: "Well fellas, I'm here at this local eatery to try one of their signature dishes with a Florida twist: Arigētā no Seiyoku. I"m sure it'll be a great experience." Before he dug in, he noticed another person enter the restaurant. It was... HIM. The "colorful figure" leading him in the polls.
He heard DeSantis was here, and came to beat him at his own game. He grabbed one of the cameramen: "I care very deeply about Florida, believe me. I'm here because I'll make this state great again. And Ron DeDumbass won't be the winner in 2024. Now, you, kid." He flagged down Ichigo.
"It's Ichigo."
"Whatever. Gimme a menu... I think I'll order the Ahiru no in'nō. Alot of people don't know I brought Japanese culture to Florida. No one's done more for Japanese culture than me, OK. So I think I'll have my favorite."
DeSantis rolled his eyes at this display, and began eating. Unfortunately for him, the same fate befell him as the husband from earlier. His agonized screams brought amusement to the "colorful figure".
This amusement wouldn't last, however. After about 10 minutes, which was suspiciously fast (or should have been), his dish arrived. He had planned to also take questions and comment on his own great plans for the US during this dinner, though these plans went sideways when he ran outside and began violently ralphing on the sidewalk outside, cameraman in tow. Neither candidate fully succeeded in their aims this night; this was safe to conclude.
Finally, the moment the editing team had been waiting for to cap off Act 2: Gordon Ramsay came out to the dining room to say, "Everyone, STOP! We're not serving another thing tonight. It's not safe for rats to eat here, let alone you. We're SHUTTING IT DOWN!" The music hit its crescendo, and concluded with a slamming sound effect.
He again gave his thumbs up to his team after the customers had left, either on their own or with medical assistance. After they cut the camera feed, he turned back to Shirahime. "Well, that was quite something. Lots of great material, more than I could have hoped for. Now for the next step. In a few days, we'll come back and do all the cleaning, remodeling etc. And then we'll do another dinner service, yeah? It'll be a real banger." He then left for his hotel room in an apparent good mood.
This strangely nonchalant appearance clashed with the evening's earlier events. But those events were Gordon's branding. Act 3 would showcase his genius.
(Review and Relaunch)
Shirahime and her staff spent those next few days cleaning everything they could. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed. Aizen introduced them to some episodes of this reality TV show, "Kitchen Nightmares". It seemed every place Gordon visited was the worst restaurant he'd ever visited, he'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer, etc. But then he renovated the place, and it had a great relaunch.
Shirahime, in the middle of watching one episode with Aizen, began to wonder and asked him: "What's the failure rate? How many of the restaurants fail after the episode wraps?"
"I'm not sure, it can't be very high after all they went through. I'll look it up... wait, the success rate is 20%? That can't be right."
"20%? How is that possible?"
"It looks like some restaurants go back to bad habits, or go back to a menu that wasn't working. But we won't make the same mistake."
They kept cleaning what they could in order to make Gordon's team's job easier. They also thankfully threw out the dead cat that Gordon found, along with the mouse he was apparently chasing.
Gordon's team arrived on Thursday to do their work. Shirahime wasn't charged for this, but Gordon made a profit from the ratings as well as the prestige his restaurants gained as a result. Shirahime and her team were told to come back on Monday for the relaunch. Pensive, nervous, eager; many emotions ran through their heads.
Before they left, Gordon said to them, "Right, we'll get to work here, but first we need to shoot more material that we'll splice onto Monday's footage. Spice things up." He put on his best disgusted act, and after ensuring the cameras were on him: "That was the WORST experience I have ever had, and I think the survivors of the Donner party would agree. I would rather SUCK the embalming fluid out of my grandmother's arse, and she's DEAD! I was in hospital, I'm only praying that DeSantis won't end up dead by tomorrow. We're going to make some changes, and see if MAYBE you don't drive it into the ground again. Good night."
One of his editors spoke out, "Cut! Great as always Gordon. We'll get to work."
Gordon nodded satisfactorily. "Alright then, I and the editing team will go make the magic happen. The cleaners and remodelers will also do their thing. You just hang tight and check back on Monday."
Shirahime was concerned about something Gordon said. "DeSantis? Is he doing alright?"
"Yeah, probably, whatever. And that other fellow, he'll probably claim he nearly died and try fundraising off of it. I can hear him now, 'I survived OK, I'm like a very strong, virile person. My tears cure cancer, though unfortunately I've never cried, yada yada.' So, let's get to work!"
And that's what they did. Shirahime and her team came back in Monday afternoon, and noticed that it had been totally revamped. Everything was new, and the equipment wasn't older than Shirahime herself. Their reactions were of relief and gratitude.
They were greeted by one of Gordon's team. "That was great guys! We sometimes tell the owners to pump things up. The same level of happiness as if their child was born that day, and survived cancer at the same time. But you guys got it on the first take."
"First take...?", Ichigo wondered.
"So anyway, we also have a new menu, and ingredients."
Gordon walked in. "Let's get ready, look at the menu, and have our relaunch! This will be a killing."
The relaunch, as with every episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was a success. Kirio was able to fully enjoy her talent. Gordon and his team bid them farewell after filiming Gordon's optimistic monologue, and as far as Shirahime was concerned, it was the end of this story, as long as they kept the changes.
There was one more development, however. She, Aizen, and Kirio, being the head staff here, were contacted by an investor out of California. He had taken notice of the major investment in Model City, and predicted property values would increase significantly. This was not an unreasonable assumption.
Further, a newly-renovated restaurant on the eastside of Miami? Honestly, it was a steal at $500,000. Shirahime's team was in disbelief.
Ichigo, also hearing of the news, asked her: "How much did you spend to buy the place?"
"$10,000. And that was about a month ago now. So, do we want to accept?"
"Yes! Let's take it.", Ichigo responded. This was the consensus.
"I'd say it's a great deal for us", she answered happily. "And he even has a new name for it. He's going to rebrand as an Italian place: 'i baffi di mia mogile'. It sure sounds fancy."
Shirahime and her team wrapped up, and went home. This plan turned out better than any of them could have predicted.
"I hear you did pretty well for yourself", Orihime said upon seeing them. "Did you also bring Ichigo with you?"
Shirahime responded, "His new girlfriend he met in Miami thought he should stay there. I think they're getting serious."
"Whaaaatt?"
"Heh, now it's your turn to have a nightmare."
"You're no fun!"
"Bite me."
