Check end of chapter for notes
As the sun settled into the depths of the horizon, the moon shared its light while the air cooled the dry sands of Nowhere. In the middle of the dunes lay a small camp of soldiers unloading carts and building fires to light their sights. A single tent stood tall on the outskirts of the small camp, voices booming from inside its thin walls. Those who walked past did so hastily, fearful of being caught near the argument between leader and solider.
"We lost a soldier, Toth. He was killed, murdered right in front of us by our BOSS, and you're still hung up over RULES? Why can't you see that some people aren't worth following! Why do you continue to support this asshole after everything he's done to us! To YOU!"
"We have to do it for our people, sacrifices need to be made." A scarred woman slams her fists onto the wooden table, rattling the various pens and weapons that lay on its surface.
"SACRIFICES? So he was nothing but a sacrifice to you? He was our teammate! We ate with him, shared stories and traveled the depths of hell with him and all you see is a sacrifice?" The long haired man throws his hands up into the air, frustration pooling in his brown eyes.
"Miera is replacing him, we have the men to continue forward." Toth's patience is thin, her hands trembling on the table in front of her. The man continues to yell back.
"Is that all you care about? Moving forward? Catching this stupid fucking Nomad? What about Ron, what about his parents, his sisters, his FAMILY? They're finding out their son is never coming home, how do they move on? You just skate past it for numbers. Is that all we are to you? Numbers?" This angers her more. Pointing a shaking finger at the man, Toth grits her teeth.
"What MATTERS is us getting what we need for our PEOPLE!"
"Do you even really care about our people, or are you just trying to prove yourself? If you cared so much you wouldn't see every fucking soldier as another number! What about me, Toth? Am I not your people? Am I just another number to you? Another yellow uniformed corpse on the battlefield? I have a name, in case you've forgotten. It's Null, your family, your brother! The little boy who you read stories to, the kid who looked up to you and supported you from day one! I'm NULL, the same brother who saw you past your expectations. I'm the PERSON who left home with you, promising to protect each other as we made our way to finding a solution. I'm your little brother who grew up playing knights and dragons with you on tall haystacks and broken sheds. I have feelings, memories, ambitions! But you can't even seem to see that in me. I'm just another fucking number to you, the same way Ron and Skout are!" He moves in closer, closing the space between them threateningly.
Toth practically tosses the table to the side and marches forward. "Don't talk about Skout!"
"Did I strike a nerve, iron woman?" Null stands his ground. "Are you angry with me for mentioning your girl? The same girl who has been head over heels for you since she met you, the same girl who THREW HERSELF into danger to save you! The same girl you gave the cold shoulder and DEMOTED so she wouldn't be there to distract you from your 'oh so important' mission."
"She was a liability!"
"She's a HUMAN, TOTH. She's a PERSON just like every other godamn Dandy Lion here! The same Dandy Lions you place worth on based on NUMBER. How did YOU," he jabs his finger into her chest. "get so far up your own ass that you've diminished life down to usefulness? How far gone are you that you can't seem to care about your brother, or the girl who has been your number one supporter through hell and back? Fuck, you can't even find time to remember Jethro and Santi who have been with us since day one of working under that bitch of a Don! The first two to believe in us and pledge undying loyalty. You can't even see them for who they are!"
Smacking his hand away, Toth grabbed the collar of his jacket and held him in place."Feelings don't matter! Relationships. Don't. Matter! What MATTERS is us bringing the Nomad to the Don and saving our PEOPLE! Which is what we set out to do from the beginning! Or have you forgotten that in your delusions of love?" With one swift motion he tears her hand away and successfully knocks her back a step.
"I haven't forgotten anything, but you see to be forgetting more of your humanity each day. How to be compassionate, how to care, how to love. You don't even remember me anymore." He turns to leave but falters, hoping she'll say something.
But she doesn't, the air is just as heavy and silent as before. Clenching his fists, he turns one last time to look at Toth and glares daggers into her amber eyes.
"Fuck you." The tent flaps sway in the wind of his hurried exit for a moment before settling down into stillness.
The sound of heavy footsteps in the sand beckoned Jethro and Santi to turn their attention from the warm fire. Their eye met a furious figure now stomping further from the camp, shoulders tight and hands clenched into fists. The pair watched as their partner came to a stop at the edge of the horizon and kicked the earth beneath him, his angry words not quite reaching their ears. Santi frowned as he watched Null swing his arms in the air, seemingly arguing with the air that dared to occupy his space. It was only when he watched the elf pull at his hair and crouch down did he stand, but Jethro quickly grabbed hold of his gloved hand and pulled him gently back towards the fire. Santi looked down at his companion, eyes full of worry; he had never seen Null so angry before. Jethro sighed and tilted his head towards the barrel he occupied only moments before, silently asking him to sit back down. The two shared a silent understanding as the worried man took his seat, back now facing the fire they had brought to life. Jethro soon followed, setting his sights on the young man venting his rage.
"I don't like seeing him like this, amigo." Santi's brow twitched, hands fidgeting with the tie around his neck. He could hear Jethro grunt in agreement next to him, hearing his hesitant breath leave his lips.
"I'm not very good with emotions and all that complicated stuff about healing," he started, "but I think maybe we should let him have some time to himself. He doesn't often lose himself like this, maybe it feels good to not hold it in."
Santi chuckled, "You say you're not very good, but what you said just now sounded perfectly reasonable to me. You should give yourself more credit, a tiny bug does not realize the large impact it has on the world it occupies."
"See there you go again with the fancy words and metaphors I don't understand." His face contorted into one of confusion as Santi laughed. "What do bugs have to do with Null?"
"Nothing my friend, just saying you are correct about leaving him be...For now." His eyes flickered back to the man in question. Null was sitting in the sand with his head between his knees, arms wrapped above his neck.
The silence that followed the sight was uncomfortable, thick with longing. Though the two agreed their partner should be given time to himself, there was no denying the strong urge to rush to his side and comfort him. Null was always a closed book, his cover only ever allowing annoyance and indifference. In private, the two had seen more of his character and had gotten to know very well his heart and mind; but to the outside he was closed off, never budging to show himself. Those moments of connection were short lived as their mission to capture the Nomad had picked up in pace significantly. It seemed they were always on the road, never given the chance to relax and let loose; it was especially true for Null now that his sister, his captain, was becoming more violent and hungry for closure by the day. He was subconsciously picking up the burden of her stress while bearing his own grievances. The line between family and soldier was becoming fainter by the minute, and Null was less than content to let it slide. Everyday was a battle for peace within their ranks, and some days it felt as if they would never reach a positive conclusion; forever doomed to repeat a cycle of eggshells and explosions.
Head between his knees, Null sat with his eyes screwed shut. Part of him wanted to march back into that tent and scream at his sister for her ignorance, but another part knew it wasn't ignorance she faced; it was the simple principal of survival. He understood better than most the ass kissing, blood, sweat and tears that went into becoming the right hand of the Don. He had seen it nearly destroy his sister, only shouldering bits of the burden himself. When they had set out for the Oasis it was in search of a bargain, a means of supplying their people with food and water. It later became a fight for recognition and privilege. They were determined to do whatever it took to keep their tribe alive, and knowing that, the Don took advantage of every ounce of desperation they had. He fed most off of Toth, her brawn and motivation delighting the man. He too was in search of a larger prize, and he would use whatever he could to grab it. If they had wanted water, they would work for it and bring the fabled Nomad to the Don, where he would take the credit and receive power from the King himself.
The Don had argued he was unable to provide for their people without power from the King, but the flowing waters of the Oasis spoke otherwise. He had the ability to help, but he wanted the impossible as payment and god did it piss Null off. They were stuck in a wild goose chase. Yes, the Nomad existed and they had been close once. But the idea of actually capturing him was beyond their skill level and 'pay grade' as Santi had put it back in the brambles. It was magic over what? A bunch of wannabe soldiers with weapons the Nomad could use against them. The odds were stacked, and you couldn't see shit over the wall. Their latest attempt in Eagle Canyon had been Toth's breaking point, so close and yet again falling short. She was quick to place blame on Skout, but the truth was Toth should have been smarter. After they had watched the Nomad escape, Toth had snapped at Skout and demoted her. Words were exchanged just out of range and the last Null had seen of their redheaded companion were her tears as she rode off to who knows where. They hadn't seen her since, and now they were stuck with nothing. Right back at square one.
The thought of it all was enough to tempt Null to cry, but he couldn't bring himself to. Tears wouldn't do him any good, and it would sure as hell dehydrate him enough to cause issues. He had never been so frustrated in his life, it seemed as if everything was aimed to piss him off. He was tired, overwhelmed and unsure how much longer he could go on. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps in the sand, and for a moment he had hope it would be Toth; but the footsteps quickly separated into two people and he knew his hope was in vain. She would never approach him after a fight, especially not to talk or apologize. Two figures took seats upon either side of him and suddenly a lump had grown in his throat. Feeling a gloved hand touch his back almost sent the man over, but he managed to keep his composure. He recognized the second hand on his shoulder as Santi's, meaning the person on his back was Jethro. The three sat in silence for a while, taking in the touch of one another.
"How much could you hear?" Null heard Jethro shift on his left.
"Not much, it was mostly just loud sounds." To his right, Null could hear Santi grunt in agreement. "It was the silence that scared us the most, we thought something had happened."
Santi removed his hand from his partner's shoulder to fidget with his tie. "I don't think they'd ever hurt each other Jethro."
"I'm actually not so sure about that anymore," Null mumbled.
The silence was thick, the weight of Null's words had pierced his partners. Jethro cleared his throat, "Is that what you two were arguin' about?"
Santi couldn't let the improper use of the word slide, "My friend that was not an argument, that was a fight. You two just, seem to get into more of them with each passing mission."
Null frowned and squeezed his body tight, trying to control himself. "Thanks for noticing Santi."
It was finally Jethro's turn to smack the backside of Santi's head for saying dumb shit, and he relished it. A quiet 'ow' was heard before another uncomfortable silence. It was clear to Null his partners wanted him to speak to them, and as much as he appreciated it, he struggled to find his words. It was as if something inside of him threatened to snap and release every ounce of anger he felt if he didn't choose his words carefully. One wrong phrase could lead into a frenzy of feelings and thoughts best left to himself. Taking a deep breath in, the elf let go of any bias he held as he spoke to his partners.
"I'm just angry with her." Tears prickle his eyes like the needles of the desert's cacti, "I'm not going to cry, this is stupid. I'm not sad, I'm angry." A comforting hand finds his back as Null breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth.
"Maybe," Santi starts, "you're both. It's okay to feel both." He watches as Jethro extends an arm around Null's shoulders, pulling him into a half hug. Feeling inclined to do the same, Santi wraps an arm around his waist. The two can hear their companion try to regulate his breath, shoulders shaking ever so slightly. Null didn't cry, and it was something he was immensely proud of; sometimes he felt himself get close though.
He started again, determined to speak his feelings and feel release. "I'm angry that she can't do what's right rather than what is expected. Growing up, she always taught me to stick up for what I believe in; be the hero everyone else is too afraid to be, do what's right. But now here we are, doing what's wrong. We aren't the heroes, we're the villains. The Y'dala tell ghost stories to the children about El Ray the magic eater. We were brought up to be wary and deny him. And now? We're playing a game of fucking cat and mouse for him. She's changed so much, and I hate it. She claims to value life, doing all of this shit for the lives of our people but-" Another lump in his throat. "But here she is. Just sitting and watching as we die. Claiming it's all for the greater good. She doesn't even see us anymore, she doesn't see me." He lets out a shaky breath, leaning into the touch of his partners. Taking his golden necklace into his hand, he lets go of his pride and lets his tears fall. "I just want my sister back. I love Toth, but the woman who leads us isn't her. I hate that woman, and I want her gone."
A wind blew gentle whispers onto the surface of the sand, blowing thousands of tiny stories across the land. The gentle blow of the wind cooled the trio down as they sat beneath the night sky, holding one another, listening to an understood silence. Minutes passed, and when one racing heart calmed to match two others, Jethro stood up and extended a hand. Null watched as Santi followed his lead, then taking both hands into his own he let himself be pulled onto his feet. Null let himself melt into the hug that threatened to crush him, finally feeling some relief and freedom from his thoughts. They would be fine, things would work out eventually. But right now, they had each other. Null couldn't ask for much else.
Tears streamed down Toth's face as she turned tattered pages of a storybook. She too mourned the woman she once was, and wished more than anything to be gifted her brother's forgiveness when all was said and done.
Until then, she had a Nomad to catch.
So originally I wrote a story about Null being edgy and Jethro comforting him wayyy back in like 2018, when the show first came out. Months ago I wanted to rewrite that same story, but add more to it. This story has been sitting in my Libre files for almost a year at this point and boy oh boy do I want to just get it done with.
The ending is pretty rushed, I'm currently suffering from Repetitive Strain Injury (Overuse Syndrome) and typing or doing anything with my arms is incredibly painful and challenging. From the elbows down my arms are feeling numb, tingling, pain or uncomfort at any given time. My right middle finger has been totally numb for weeks now, and lifting my arms above having them straight down by my side causes issues.
Knowing I'm unable to type normally for the next god knows how long, I tried to knock this out. It's about 4 am as I finish and publish this story.
I'm hoping my arms will return to normal within the next few months, I have so many other projects I'm working on that I want to finish. But until my arms are fixed, I can hardly do ANYTHING. No drawing, minimal typing and no sleeping normally. Pray for me yall, this sucks so bad.
I'd love to hear reviews! If anyone from this fandom is still out there lmk, I miss interacting with others about this show.
