June 26 '86

Do you think running away from home would be an overreaction? I can't cope with this. Why, why, why? Why would they do this to me? I'm a good man aren't I? I've taken care of them well, haven't I? Why on earth would they do such a thing? I'm 40 years old. That's far too long in the tooth to be expected to start over. My God, why don't they just shoot me? It'll be an easier end!

June 27 1986

It's just a baby Niles! Good heavens, pull yourself together. We have 7 1/2 months to stock up on what we need. Maybe this one will screech less. Maybe with three children Sara will agree to try a nanny again.

I know you're worried, the baby years are the hardest. And it's always affected how often we can see each other. But it'll work out. If we can survive my mother and hiding from the world, we can survive anything. Sheffield baby #3 won't take us down!

She did look happy though, didn't she? Sara I mean. She looks so at peace. Radiant.

Xx C.C

July 22 '86

For heaven sake C.C! You can't blurt something like that and then shut me out like this! We need to talk. If you can't put it in words aloud, the right it! I need to know what's going on in your head.

Please sweetheart, let me in.

Since when have you wanted a child? Is it new or has it been brewing awhile? I just want to understand.

I love you, that won't change. Ever. Please, call me tonight. I come over and we can discuss all of this.

I'm here

xNx

July 2 1986

I'm sat here next to the phone. I want to pick it up and call you, but my voice won't work. I can't seem to form the words. Please just forget what I said. It would be too impossible, but I'll tell you the truth you deserve that.

Yes, I want a child. Your child. I can just see her now. Her curly, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Your little half grin on her little pixie face. It's a dream, just a dream. Too many would be affected if others knew you were the father. And I won't ever have you deny your own child.

I sometimes wonder if we should just go. Leave. Are you and me, away from mothers reach. Away from Maxwells business. But we can't. I know how you love the children, how loyal you are to Maxwell. And I could never leave Sara, she is so dear to me. And my career is just taking off. I'm finally being treated as more than a secretary.

But I can't help a dream that baby. It's always a girl I don't know why. I just always see us with a plucky, adorable daughter. As clever and quick witted as her parents. We'd name her something short and sweet. Emily, Molly or such like. She'd be the apple of your eye. No doubt I'd have to be the bad guy most of the time as she'd have you so tightly wrapped around her little finger.

But it's just a dream. The logistics would be impossible. I have you and that is enough. We will dream and that's alright too.

Don't worry about me, it's a phase. I'll get through it.

XxC.C

July 3 '86

Dammit C.C, I hate when you do this. We have to talk face-to-face. With actual words. Do you even realise that the only things you've actually said to me in the last two days have been scathing insults and barked demands for coffee.

I know opening up doesn't come easy to you. But I'm not a mind reader. You need to tell me what's going on in there. I read what you said, but you won't even let me respond. You say it's a phase, but that's real emotion written there. Real longing.

Do you believe I'm angry? I'm not. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of us having children too. Raising and loving the Sheffield children has been, and still is, great. But to have our own? A tiny piece of both of us. It would be beyond anything I could ever truly imagine.

Do you think I'm indifferent? Because as you can see, I'm not.

If you want this, if we want this, we can absolutely make it happen.

I have Saturday off. Let me come over this simply can't be done on the page.

Let me in C.C

xNx

July 7 1986

I did it. I'm off the pill. The doctor says it might take some time for my body to regulate itself.

When this happens, when I'm pregnant, we'll need to talk to Maxwell and Sara. Either we flee or stay and fight.

Are you sure you are okay with this? If Maxwell doesn't support us, it'll mean leaving them behind.

It's not too late to back out.

July 7 '86

He's my friend. I've always supported him and I just know he'll support me. He might of argued before, but when he sees how deep this goes and that we have a baby on the way. He'll stand by me. I know it.

As soon as we get pregnant, I'll tell him. Sara will be beyond excited I'm sure. I can't tell you how much I want this.

xNx

December 6 1986

It's like he lives to vex me. I honestly don't know how Sara stands it. Thank goodness she agreed with me about closing up now. Christmas is just round the corner. It's not like we can do anything now anyway. Almost everyone, all of potential backers that is, have left the city for the holidays.

As everything is quieting down, I think I'm going to go back to the doctors. It's been five months surely my hormones have gone back to normal. I just want to make sure there's nothing wrong that's stopping us falling pregnant.

No I don't want to talk about it I'm just letting you know.

Xx C.C

January 1 '87

A new year,

Our year! I know it is. Mrs Sheffield will have her baby and I'm sure you'll follow before the year is out. It's only been seven months of trying. We have loads of time. Plus not gonna lie, the trying is fun.

Everyone is sure the new baby is a boy. I don't know, I'm betting on another girl. Hopefully a really peaceful one. The house needs that, heaven knows we don't need another Master Brighton. Don't get me wrong I adore the boy. But goodness he's an absolute handful. Did you hear about his class hamster? The boy tried to smuggle it home in his blazer pocket. And when that failed, he decided to set it free from its cage. His poor teacher spent three days, looking for the bloody rodent. I swear only Mrs Sheffield has any control of that child. But on the flipside, he can be so sweet too. He helped me make cookies today he picked out the three best ones and took them to his parents and sister.

Maybe we should just called him unique?

Are you going to be at the theatre next week? Let me know I'll make sure I said lunch each day.

Love you,

xNx

February 9 1987

Are you alright? I haven't had time to talk with you today. Did you take Maggie and Brighton to see Sara and the baby? It's a girl right? Looks like you were right on the money with that one. But poor Sara. Who wants to have a baby at 4 am? At least the older two made their appearance at reasonable hours. Do you think this is a sign of things to come?

With her here now, Maxwell will take a couple of weeks to focus on the family. But we have a show in six weeks. I'm sorry dust buster, but I'm not going to be around much. But you'll be busy with the Sheffield too, so it shouldn't be too difficult. It's not like we don't know the drill by now anyway.

If you can get away any evening, just tell me. I'll make the time for us.

This won't last forever, it'll just feel like it.

Keep on moppin'

XxC.C

31 March '87

Finally C.C, Mr Sheffield has given me this weekend completely off. Miss Grace is wonderful. By far the sweetest baby of the three of them. But holy hell, it takes it out of you.

But this weekend will be all about you. About us. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. I've missed you so much if you stolen hours here and they're really aren't enough.

But now you've opened last week. Mr Sheffield is back behind his desk, although I'm still not sure if he's a help or a hindrance to you. Does he interfere with your spells in incantations?

I've missed you Ceec

I need you

xNx

August 12 1987

Tomorrow you get home. I can't believe you've been gone four weeks now. It's been an eye-opening experience. It's giving me time to look really think about us.

In the eight years we've known one another we haven't spent more than a week apart. And even those single weeks were few and far between. Given the time that's passed since you left and the thinking room it's given me I would just like you to know that we need to go back to that. A week is more than enough for us to be apart from one another. These weeks have been lonely, boring and just plain unpleasant. I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our teasing jokes. And heaven help me, I miss the pranks. Mind you have thought of a couple of belters after you've settled back home. So take that as your warning Rochester.

I have put this time to use. I really thought about our life together. I know that, of late, you have been rather disheartened about the lack of pregnancy. So have I. However, this time apart has made me realise that we need to stop focusing on it. Before you left that night, when I broke down, you said that you and I were enough. Yes, we want a family that it's not everything. And you were right. I want a child, your child, but it's not the be all and end all. I love you. So I'm asking if we can stop trying. I won't go back on the pill, but I want to stop all the extras. The doctors visits and all that. I think you'll understand where I'm coming from. I hope you understand, I don't want to upset you.

Father has been in town. We had dinner, it was nice. But I held back. I always worry when it comes to him. I am never sure what he shares with mother. Or with DD who then inevitably shares it with mother. He thinks I aught to call Noel. He thinks he's being cold with the rest of the family. Apparently when father was in Chicago last month Noel made all manner of excuses not to see him. I played dumb, of course. My brother holds our secret so of course I'll hold his. But I can't help but wonder if you ever come out to the rest of the family? I mean yes, mother will be pissed, but I don't think father will care particularly at all. And as for DD do you know what she's like? lf something doesn't affect her directly, she really doesn't care.

Oh well that's my in my rambling done. I'm leaving this on your bed, so I hope that's where you find it. I love you, you stupid old dust mop.

XxC.C

March 4 '88

CC,

Can you grab some of that jam I like we're all out at your house

xNx

July 14 1988

Noel is visiting next week. Would you make him a cake he likes so much?

Thanks

XxC.C

December 12 1988

Niles, Christmas is going to be piss poor this year. Mother is demanding I see her. I'll only be away five days, less if I can manage it.

On another point, can you put my contract back three days without them is long enough. Maxwell is muttering about firing both of us again. It's genuinely starting to interfere with my work.

Thanks

XxC.C