Author's Note: AU set after Valentine is killed and everyone is celebrating at the bar. Ignoring the stuff going on with Jace's resurrection. Trigger warning for self harm and suicidal ideation. This one will get difficult at times, so be careful.
Alec stayed at the party for a polite amount of time, going through the motions as someone in his position was supposed to do. He toasted, he laughed, he hugged, but inside, he was empty. He knew he should be happy, because everyone was alive and safe and the big bad they'd been fighting for so long was vanquished, but he wasn't. There was relief, but no joy. Alec didn't think he'd ever feel that again.
He'd made so many mistakes recently. If he was being honest, it wasn't just recent though. Somehow he'd made it this far in life without being very good at anything, relying on others or luck to see him through. But now it was becoming more and more obvious with the spotlight on him as head of the institute.
When he'd been acting head before, it hadn't been so bad, because nothing big really happened in their territory. But the arrival of Clary and everything that followed had them under a microscope and Alec was finding he really wasn't up to snuff. He already knew that, deep down, but now everyone else knew it too.
Alec spent his whole life knowing he wasn't as good of a shadowhunter as Jace or as smart as Izzy, so he focused on leadership. He knew how to act without letting emotions cloud his judgment, since suppression was practically his middle name. He made the hard decisions other people didn't want to make, accepting the consequences as they played out. It wasn't about being liked, it was about doing what was right.
But then he'd met Magnus and it was like a whole new world had opened up before his eyes. Somehow he'd weaved his way into Alec's heart and there was no turning back once he'd started. And even when things kept going wrong, with the cup, the Clave, and everything in between, Magnus was there to provide his loving support and nothing else mattered as much. But Alec kept messing up.
He kept putting the Clave above Magnus, and while he was unendingly patient with him, there was only so much he could take. Magnus forgave him for the hair sample, for his hesitancy about starting a relationship, for everything. But this time might've been the final straw. There was only so much love could smooth over and the possible evisceration of every Downworlder might be too hard to overcome.
Alec couldn't blame Magnus for finally giving up on him. His life was basically a drop in the bucket when it came to the life of an immortal. It was probably the smart thing for Magnus to consider these few months a loss and move on with his life. But it wouldn't be as easy for Alec. To give himself over fully to someone and then destroy it so quickly would have lasting effects, and he was already feeling them so strongly. And without Magnus' love and support, all the other crap he thought he'd worked through was bubbling back up to the surface.
It wasn't fair to depend on Magnus to take care of his mental health, but he'd never figured out how to deal with things himself. And then when Magnus came along, he was so good at helping him through things, he just fell into that cycle of dependency. But now he realized he hadn't worked through anything at all. He'd just been distracted from it by the love he was receiving and now he didn't have that. And Alec felt himself start to spiral.
He excused himself from the party, giving Izzy a kiss on the cheek and Jace one last pat on the shoulder, claiming to want to get a good night's sleep before he had to start on the mounds of paperwork that were waiting for him. At least part of that was true. Alec was almost out of there scot-free, but a voice calling out to him stopped him in his tracks. It was his favorite sound in the world, but he couldn't think of it that way now.
"Alexander, could we talk?" Magnus requested, catching up to him in the alley, but still keeping his distance. Alec used the last few seconds he had with his back turned to fortify his defenses, knowing that Magnus would see through him if he wasn't completely sure of himself. He was about to do the hardest thing he'd ever done, but it was the right move.
"Thank you for your help today. We wouldn't have been able to get through it without you," Alec said. He wouldn't be able to get through anything without him, but he was going to have to from now on.
"Of course, but I didn't come out here to talk business," Magnus said, taking a step closer. Alec fought against all his instincts that were screaming at him to either run into his arms or in the opposite direction.
"Oh?"
"I don't like the way we left things," Magnus said. Alec wondered which time he was referencing. Was Magnus talking about after he found out about the soul sword, or after Max, or after working together today? Alec didn't like how they left any of it. "Everything was so chaotic, but-"
"I know," Alec interrupted, needing to stop this before things went too far and he lost his resolve. If he let Magnus say the words he was desperate to hear, he would lose his willpower and fall right back into his arms. Alec couldn't let that happen, for both of their sakes. "But you were right."
"Alexander-"
"We have responsibilities to other things right now and they have to take precedence. It isn't fair to either one of us to be pulled in so many different directions and everything around us suffers for it," Alec said firmly, focusing all of his efforts on not letting his voice shake. This was just like a meeting with the Clave. There was no room for emotions.
"You were the one who said relationships take work," Magnus argued, shaking his head in frustration.
"But should it really be this hard? Should every day be a fight?"
"This doesn't sound like the Alexander I know. You never give up on the things or people you care about," Magnus insisted, sending him a look of determination. "Unless you're trying to tell me you don't care about us anymore. About me."
"Magnus-"
"No, I want to hear it. If you tell me this is over, I'll walk away and accept it. You gave me that same courtesy when I did it to you," Magnus said, stepping forward and grabbing his hand before he could even think to pull it back. Alec felt the spark he always did when they touched, but he couldn't get swept up in it. "But if you want to figure this out, just say the word and we can go from there." Alec wanted to cry out in agreement, pull Magnus to his chest, and never let him go, but he couldn't. He was making the hard choice, but it was the right one. He was setting Magnus free.
"I'm sorry," Alec whispered, drawing his hand away from the love of his life. He turned resolutely and walked away, not letting himself take one last look. Alec couldn't bear to see the pain he'd caused, knowing it would break him. But a little pain for Magnus now would be better than dragging this out longer than it needed to be. Now Alec just had to figure out how to live the rest of his life, however long it lasted.
