Chapter 1
Hawkeye Pierce rolled his brown eyes at the news of a new doctor coming to the MASH 4077th. It's not that a new doctor was not welcomed for they always needed another doctor as the Swamp was one man short. It was the name of the new doctor that got to him. Another doctor named Frank. Just when he was free of the insanity of Frank Burns he yet another doctor coming into the camp named Frank. Well, Frankie but still the man feared he would be dealing with another version of Frank Burns. The name was close enough to throw anyone. Captain Francis "Frankie" Barns was the new doctor that was to round out the staff. A cardiac surgeon from Saint Ann's, a charity hospital in Michigan.
He plopped down on his cot debating if he should attempt to clean up his area a bit. He decided against the clean up and instead poured himself a drink of moonshine. He took a sip waiting for the new doctor to arrive as BJ and Charles were both tending to patients.
Colonel Sherman Potter soon arrived at the tent with the new doctor in tow. He opened the door and stepped inside with the doctor right behind him. He stated, "Pierce!"
Hawkeye looked up from his relaxed position. His eyes settled on the new doctor standing right behind Sherman. Dr. Barns stood about five foot five inches tall; looked a bit underweight and sported short blonde hair with blue eyes and the most odd looking mustache that Hawkeye had ever saw. Something was just not right about the look but Hawkeye could not tell what. He raised his glass, "Martini!"
Captain Frankie Barns gave a slight smile, "I would love one." The voice was low but sounded more rehearsed than natural. Something else that Hawkeye picked up on. What Hawkeye nor the Colonel was aware of was that Frankie was in fact a female. She snuck into the Army Medical Corps after she was denied acceptance due to the fact that the Medical Corps had yet to accept women doctors. She wanted to help with the war effort. She didn't wish to deceive anyone but found herself deceiving just about everyone she met.
Hawkeye stood up and quickly drew up a glass of moonshine and handed it to the new doctor. "My best batch yet." he stated proudly.
Sherman shook his head and could have snapped at Hawkeye but understood it would do no good at all. He waited to see how the new doctor would react.
Frankie took a sip and handed the glass back. "Not bad." she told him. "I'm more of a coffee drinker myself."
"You're in luck. We have our own pot." he pointed to the stove in the middle of the tent. The stove was not burning as it was not that cold yet.
Sherman stated, "I will let you get settled in, Captain Barns." He excused himself. "Behave yourself, Pierce." he warned on the way out the door.
Hawkeye cheered as he left. "I always do!" He then grinned at the odd Captain. "Your cot is over there." he motioned.
Frankie turned and found her cot in the corner. She gave a nod. "I see."
Hawkeye told her, "You can see Radar or Klinger for sheets and blankets. They can show you the supply tent." He sat back down and looked up debating what was odd about the doctor. He could not put his finger on it. He watched as Frankie went to the cot, unrolled the mattress and placed the duffle bag down. She soon found a foot locker for her things.
Frankie asked, "Not much for privacy in here, huh?"
"We just stick to our little areas." he told her. "Michigan, huh?"
She corrected, "I'm actually from New York. I studied and worked in Michigan. I was head of cardiology at the hospital."
"Until you got drafted." he assumed.
"I volunteered." she informed. She glanced at his confused expression. "I figured I would beat the draft." she lied.
He stated, "You are a doctor. This is not like the enlisted. You would still be in the medical corps."
"True." she agreed. "But why wait and worry about my number being up?"
"So, you just joined up?" he asked.
She nodded, "Yeah!" She took a seat on the edge of the cot. She needed to change into the fatigues and make her cot but Hawkeye was right there watching her every move. She asked, "Where are you from?"
"Maine." he stated. "I was a small town doctor. My dad is also a doctor. I go by Hawkeye. A nickname my father gave me after Last of the Mohicans."
She smiled, "I love the book. I also love Shakespeare."
"You should get along good with Charles then. He's into all that sophisticated reading." he suggested.
"They teach Shakespeare in high school." she countered.
He countered with a raised pinky, "Ah' but it's a standard for the well cultured."
Frankie had to laugh a bit at the humor.
Hawkeye asked, "You are kind of young for a doctor?"
Frankie looked younger as she was in disguise. She shrugged, "But I am a doctor."
"A good doctor?" Hawkeye wondered.
She confessed, "I'm hope I'm good enough for a MASH unit. This is my first assignment."
He grinned, "A bit green are ya?"
"I'm afraid so." she admitted.
"You will get the hang of it." he assured her.
As they spoke Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly came to the tent and rapped on the door. "Sirs!" he called.
Hawkeye called out, "Come on in, Radar."
The boy stepped inside holding bed sheets and a blanket. He announced, "I brought some bedding for the new Captain." His brow eyes settled on the young looking doctor who seemed odd even to him.
Frankie rose to her feet and graciously took the article. "Thank you, Corporal." She placed the bundle on the cot and then asked, "Why do they call you 'Radar'?" she asked.
"Sometimes I hear the choppers before the come." he explained.
She paused, "E.S.P.. Fascinating."
Radar replied a bit baffled. "E.S. what?"
"Extra Sensory Perception." she explained. "I was reading article about it. It's when you see things before they happen. Like a psychic."
Radar asked concerned, "Am I weird or anything?"
She shook her head and let out a slight laugh. "Of course not. The theory is everyone is a little bit psychic but some are more in tune with it."
He became coy, "Really!"
She nodded.
Radar admitted, "I'm just real glad you are nothing like Major Burns. With your name being so close you had some of us worried here."
She wrinkled her nose, "Who?"
Hawkeye explained, "Frank Burns. A terrible doctor, all around pain in the ass and he had a mental breakdown. Then they promoted him to Colonel." He took a sip of his martini.
She stood dumbfounded, "You're kidding?"
"Not kidding." he insisted. "Get yourself set up and changed and I'll show you around camp, Captain Barns."
She stated, "You can call my 'Frankie'."
"Frankie." he smiled.
She paused for a moment for she couldn't change in front of him. With her fatigues in hand she made up an excuse. "I have to hit the john." She then walked out the tent door and paused looking for the latrines.
Hawkeye spied her through the tent screen. "That way." he pointed.
"Right," she gave a nod and started for the latrines. He watched her as she walked across the camp. Something was odd about the way she walked. It was too feminine to his estimation.
Radar asked, "Why is he taking his uniform to the latrines?"
Hawkeye suggested, "Maybe he's shy."
The boy shrugged, "Maybe. Least he's nice and all."
Hawkeye asked, "Had visions of Frank when you read his name?"
He confessed wide-eyed, "Boy! And how."
Hawkeye glanced out the tent to spy Frankie emerge from the latrine in fatigues. He squinted wondering why the young Captain decided to change clothes in the latrine instead of in the tent.
Frankie made her way back to the tent to store her dress uniform. She walked inside with the dress garments in hand. She went to the footlocker and opened it. She placed the clothing in the locker and then looked at Radar still standing in the tent. "Can I make a request, Corporal?"
"Sure Captain." he replied.
"Can I get a privacy screen for my area in the tent?" she requested.
Hawkeye cocked an eyebrow, "Privacy screen?"
"From the medical supply tent." she nodded. She then made up an excuse. "I have terrible anxiety. It helps counter it if I can set up a small space for myself with walls. It's therapy for me." The excuse was a complete lie as she wanted the screen so she could change her clothes without exposing her true gender.
Hawkeye could not find fault as she came up with a medical excuse. Anxiety was running rampant in war and he could actually relate to wanting to feel isolated and secure. He pondered, "Like a safe feeling space. Someplace to…unwind."
She nodded, "It helps."
Radar looked at Hawkeye for instructions.
"Get the man a spare privacy screen, Radar." he agreed.
Radar knew the nurses would often use the privacy screens but he had never seen one of the doctors do so. He shrugged it off and stated, "I'll get ya one form the supply tent, Captain." He left the Swamp to get the screen.
Hawkeye rose to his feet, "Ready for that tour, Frankie?"
"I am." she nodded soundly.
He soon led her out the door to give her a quick tour of the camp.
Mess Tent
After giving Frankie a tour of the camp, Hawkeye led her into the mess tent for something to eat. Frankie found Hawkeye funny and enduring. They shared a similar sense of humor and she found herself grinning and laughing at his jokes. She walked into the tent behind Hawkeye and followed him to the line. She was handed a tray for food and listened to Hawkeye's running commentary on the food and Igor.
The cook stood at the buffet table serving up the meal. He noticed the new face and the funny looking mustache.
Hawkeye introduced, "This is our camp chef, Igor. The food is terrible but the atmosphere is suburb." he mocked the mess tent with a wave of the hand.
Frankie greeted, "Pleased to meet you, Igor."
"Captain." he replied wondering why the new doctor looked so off to him.
"This is Captain Barns. The new cardiac surgeon." Hawkeye stated. He then motioned, "Put that slop here." he tapped the tray as Igor seemed pre-occupied by Frankie's face and fake mustache.
The cook complied and soon Hawkeye led Frankie through the line and to a table where Charles Winchester the Third, Margaret Houlihan and BJ Hunnicutt were sitting for break.
Margaret's eyes landed on the new doctor. She didn't see the feminine features or the oddity of the mustache. She saw a pretty face. She feared the new Frank would remind her of the old Frank. She feared a dark haired man with beady eyes. Instead, she found a blonde haired Captain with bright blue eyes and it was a relief for the nurse.
Charles and BJ both realized something was off about the new doctor but neither could put their finger on it.
Hawkeye quickly introduced the new doctor as he sat down. "Everyone…our cardiac surgeon is here. Captain Frank Barns." He motioned as he looked at Frankie, "This is everyone."
Frankie corrected. "It's Frankie. I don't go by Frank." She then stated, "It's nice to meet all of you." She sat next to Hawkeye at the table and across from the head nurse.
Charles greeted, "I'm Major Charles Winchester the Third. I'm a thoracic surgeon. It nice to have a cardiologist on hand."
"Pleasure." she greeted him kindly.
BJ stated, "BJ Hunnicutt." He offered a handshake.
She shook his hand and he noticed her hand was a bit smaller but had a good grip. He made a mental note but could not think much of it.
"My Pleasure." she stated to BJ.
Margaret smiled, "I'm Major Margaret Houlihan. I'm the head nurse, Captain."
Frankie offered a handshake to Margaret as well. "Nice to meet you, Major."
She shook the hand in return, "Nice to meet you too." she smiled pleased.
Hawkeye stated, "This is Frankie's first assignment in the military."
BJ assured, "You will get the swing of things, Captain."
She smiled uneasy as she debated what she got herself into. When she decided to sneak into the Army Medical Corps it was to prove a point. Now, that she was in and she realized she could be sent to prison for the deception, she wondered if she could even get out of the very mess she created.
