These events take place after chapter 23 of the Berry-Lopez and Fabray Sagas.
(Juan)
Santana and Rachel were in a world of their own. I struggled to remember if these high school problems used to be so important to me back then. My mind at that time was set on having a great season with the team, because I had a great chance of winning a scholarship to college. That was my goal, so I trained hard and studied hard, even more than I dedicated myself to my girlfriend. Poor her, because I must have been rude and indifferent at times because my focus was elsewhere, and not on my relationship.
My daughters were having boyfriend problems. I mean, Rachel had a boyfriend, who was this tall kid who was a mediocre quarterback on a highly unsuccessful football team. Santana was complicated. From what I understood, she was dating Brittany and that guy who cleaned swimming pools at the same time. That seemed too complicated for my head. My daughters' choices were peculiar, to say the least. Parents who think they can control their children like puppets are deluding themselves. I wasn't happy with the choices they made, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I agreed with Hiram on this subject: we had to trust the education we had given them. But there was no point in reminding them of their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. There were limits and I needed to reaffirm them from time to time.
But I wish their problems were only in the field of teenage relationships. I was aware that I bore a lot of responsibility for the pressure and problems they were both facing in the family and psychological fields. Shelby was a reality in our lives, and she brought a lot of complications. There was also the problem I was facing with my relationship with Hiram. As much as I knew he wanted to try to save our marriage, I just couldn't do it anymore. My desire was to resolve all these personal conflicts for my own sake and for the sake of my daughters, who were directly affected.
"Hiram... we need to talk."
My husband looked at me with a certain indifference. It was a rare opportunity to have a conversation without the girls at home, which would avoid unnecessary stress if we raised our voices.
"If you want to advocate for that woman one more time, forget it. I'm not going to let her see the girls."
"It's not about Shelby, it's about us."
"What do you want to talk about, Juan? What else is there to say? You made it very clear in couples therapy that you don't want me anymore."
"That's why we need to talk alone. Taking advantage of the fact that the girls aren't at home and without third parties mediating what we should be talking about frankly with each other."
Hiram crossed his arms and sat down.
"Say what you have to say, Juan. Maybe I can say a few things too."
"Hiram, I've done a lot of thinking over the last few days. I've considered all the possible variables, I've thought about the girls, about us, and I think that this plan of waiting for the girls to go to college before we split up is, to say the least, very optimistic. I've never been an actor, I've never been a good liar. I just can't pretend anymore that our marriage has any future. I don't want to even try anymore. I'm going to open up to the girls and tell them that we're no longer a couple. This doesn't mean that we can't have civil coexistence."
"I understand." Hiram said with angry calm. Having lived with him for so many years, having a relationship with him, I knew that Hiram was an extraordinary man, but that he was also capable of questionable acts.
"I'd like you to do this together with me. We've formed a unit for all these years. Me, you and the girls. I understand that we should tell them together, as a unit."
"What unit are you talking about, Juan? There is no more unity. You chose to break the unity." Hiram stood up and gave me a gentle push. "You should go away and leave me and the girls alone, because, in all honesty, my daughters are the only good things that have come from all the sacrifices I've made for you."
"Sacrifices?"
"I gave myself up for you, Juan. I gave up my professional dreams for you. I had to push friends away for you. I even started acting less gay for you! I accompanied you to Philadelphia, even with the opportunity to study in Florida, as I would have liked. I accompanied you to Cleveland, because you wanted to do a residency with your medical Yoda... I accompanied you to this end of the world called Lima, because you decided to work here to be close to your family."
"That means marriage, Hiram. You gave in for me, but I also gave in for you. I bought you the house you wanted, I financed the trips you wanted to take, you were always free to do the specializations you wanted... I even turned a blind eye to your affair with Santana's math teacher."
"Just like I know you had sex with Rachel's singing teacher!"
"I didn't have sex with her, Hiram. Because, unlike you, I control my urges. I did want to have sex with her, if you must know. She'd go to bed with me if I wanted to. But I didn't do it out of respect for my Rachel, first and foremost. And because I couldn't level with you."
"Well... Since the girls were the only good things to come from this wedding, it's only fair that they stay with me. You can leave, Juan."
"It's very curious that you want the girls' company when all you do is put ideas into Santana's head."
"What ideas?"
"For her to go and study in New York."
"Do you have any idea of Santana's talents? Because if you did, it would hurt your soul that she's wasting the extraordinary talent she has being a cheerleader in a Lima public school just because she's in love with a girl. Santana is only 16 and she doesn't know any better."
"Is that what your math teacher lover said?"
"Don't get rhetorical, Juan. Don't play dumb. You know I'm right. I'd send Santana to a prep school right now. You're the one who's hindering her potential."
"Santana belongs with her family. I'd rather she lived out her youth like any other teenager. She'll have plenty of time to become an adult and dedicate herself to all those math formulas. She'll be fine!"
"Forget it, Juan. You're a hardhead. You should just go away to Shelby Corcoran's bed and leave us alone."
"I'm not giving up the company of my daughters and I'm not moving out of the house I bought."
"Your daughters' company? Juan, you spend most of your time in that hospital. What daughter's company are you talking about? You've always been absent."
"Yes, I work a lot, Hiram. You're right when you say that it was you who spent the most time with them. I know that you've tried to rise them well, that you really are a loving father to them. But don't say that I'm an absent father. As hard as I work, the minute I set foot in this house, I'm 100% focused on my family, on raising them, I do my best for them. I've never omitted anything. Not when Rachel cried because she didn't have a mother, not when Santana fought at school or when she started her sex life. I may not have had the best reactions at times, but I never, ever omitted or turned my back on the problems here at home." I said, pointing my finger dangerously in Hiram's face.
Hiram slapped my hand and pushed me hard, knocking me off balance in the process. I was hot-headed, and I tell you that was never a good thing. I was never a street fighter, I was never a bully. Even though I'm a guy with muscles, I've always been a peaceful and quiet. But when I fought with my fists, I fought to knock out my opponent. Hiram was shorter than me, physically weaker than me. Even so, he came at me like a runaway train. I stopped him with a single punch, right on the chin, and Hiram went down. He was stunned for a minute or two, but I didn't attack him. Not physically.
"I'm not going to leave my house, much less deprive myself of the company of my daughters."
"Go to hell, Juan."
"Maybe I will. But not today."
...
I was tidying up the pool house, which in fact also functioned as a guest apartment. Hiram took the suite in the house and I preferred to leave, but not totally. Since I would no longer be sleeping next to him because I couldn't be physically close to him, I opted for what would work as a middle ground so as not to leave home completely, which would have an impact on my daughters' lives and also on my own. My plan was to stay in the pool house until I had settled my terms with Hiram. It was true that I bought the house, but it was also true that because of all the contracts I had signed in the past to give Hiram and myself the rights that legally married people would normally have, the house was also his... half his, unless I bought his other half, or vice versa.
Hiram wasn't home at the time I was moving my things out of my room and into the pool house. That's when Santana and Rachel arrived home from school. It was the end of the school year and I hoped the girls could rest after experiencing important moments in their lives. They had found out who their biological mother was: a mother who was honestly forced to reject them, or would be the target of a virulent lawsuit led by my husband... or should I start saying ex-husband? These things were always confusing.
"Papi." Rachel came into the pool house and saw suitcases and boxes of my things. "What are you doing?"
I looked at my daughter, mi estrellita, with a certain despondency. Of all of us, Rachel had suffered the most from the crisis that Shelby had inadvertently caused in our family. I know she was also suffering from the end of my marriage to Hiram.
"Hi mi estrellita." I hugged my daughter and then continued to organize my room as if it were something natural.
"Papi, why are your things in the pool house?"
I hesitated to speak directly. I was dealing with a teenager with a sensitive personality, and so I had to use my words very carefully because I didn't want to simply pour out my side of the story and demonize her other father.
"Well, Rachel, this was a conversation I wanted to have with the four of us, but Hiram is too hurt right now by my decision, so I think it will be a conversation with the three of us." I smiled at my little girl. "Could you call your sister?"
I didn't need to because Santana came into the pool house like a hurricane. As was typical of her.
"Papi! What's going on here? Are you leaving us?" She said in an almost terrified tone.
"Yes and no." I was the adult there and I couldn't be carried away by my daughters' emotions. "Both of you, please sit down. I need to explain a few things to both of you."
Santana and Rachel sat side by side on the two-seater sofa in the pool house. Rachel had a habit of sitting with her torso slightly forward and frowned, showing her anxiety. Santana, on the other hand, crossed her arms and looked serious, in a more defensive posture. They were always like this when we had serious conversations.
"Well, girls." I pulled up a chair and sat down in front of them. "It's no secret that your father and I had been having problems in our relationship."
"What exactly happened?" Rachel asked, running over my speech. "Did you cheat on him? Did he cheat on you? Because it doesn't make sense."
"There was no cheating, okay? Will you let me finish explaining before you bombard me with questions?" I said seriously and even a little harshly. But if I let them, the girls would start talking and speculating, and leave me at a loss. When Rachel fell silent, and Santana remained serious and with her arms folded, I continued: "As I said, your father and I had been going through a marriage breakdown for a few years. We tried to talk a lot, we tried to solve our problems, but the truth is that the love I felt for Hiram and vice versa, the kind of love that spouses should feel for each other, turned into something else. It became friendship. Our marriage is over."
"Is there really no turning back?" Rachel said in a tearful voice while Santana remained silent.
"Never say never, but right now mi estrellita, it's not possible."
"Who cheated on whom?" Santana asked and was direct, dry, rude. "Was it because of that Shelby Corcoran?"
"Again, there was no cheating." I also answered firmly, in a warning tone, so as not to leave room for her to speculate. Santana was very perceptive, but she also had that Hiram insolence that sometimes irritated me. "Our marriage is over. There were frustrations that we didn't know how to deal with, there was the issue of my work, there were issues of relationship wear and tear that became irreparable. I met Hiram when I was very young, I was only 21, and we built a relationship that I'm proud of. We overcame many barriers, many crises, but there came a point of fatigue where our relationship became a burden. Relationships can't be a burden, girls. So we've decided to split out and until we can resolve some issues, I'm going to live in the pool house, while Hiram will remain in his usual place."
"What questions?" Rachel was crying. "Like our custody?"
"Well, you're 16, which is old enough to choose who you want to live with, unless there's a serious impediment on the part of one of the parents. This is an important issue, but in the end, it's not in my hands or Hiram's. We have contracts, we have lawyers, and we have you two. We think we deserve to have your company without asking you to choose. There may come a time when this is unavoidable, but we'll try to postpone it as long as we can."
Even though Rachel was crying, she got up from the sofa and hugged me. Not Santana. She got up and left the pool house without saying another word. Knowing my daughter well, I knew that the best thing I could do was to give her space. I couldn't confront her about it. So I focused on my other daughter. I offered Rachel a glass of water.
"Everything's going to be fine, okay?" I tried to reassure her.
...
(Shelby)
I was back in Findlay, at my mother's house, a place I hadn't set foot in for about five years. The last time was to spend Christmas with my mother and Thomas, when my brother decided to introduce his two children to us. I didn't spend more than three days in Findlay on that occasion, but for me it was an eternity, and I couldn't wait to get back to New York, at a time when I was experiencing a transition in my career.
My stay in Findlay at that time was completely different because I had a baby in my arms. Elizabeth Anne Corcoran. Elizabeth is the name her biological parents gave her. Anne was the name I wanted to give her. I liked these names, Liza, Anne, Stacy... my eldest daughter already has Liza in her name, so I chose Anne to make up my youngest daughter's name. I was still sorting out the bureaucratic issues, and until they were fully resolved, it wasn't a good idea for me to leave Ohio. Well, where else would I go? I had no job, a baby in my arms and some reserves in my bank account. I could manage for at least six months without work. No more than that.
My mother was kind enough to offer me her house until I could think of something to do. I had a baby, I had a few job offers, but none where I could only work part-time. Honestly, I was completely lost.
Adopting Beth was an impulse. I mean, I had this desire to be a mother for the first time. I mean, not necessarily being a mother by giving birth to a child, because I'd already been through that. I was talking about actually raising a child, educating, witnessing the first steps and all those things of a person's development. When Quinn Fabray literally offered me her child, I accepted. I took the plunge, because if I had stopped to analyze all the pros and cons, I might not have adopted Beth.
Yet there I was, with Beth in my arms, and she was a beautiful baby. And there I was in my mother's house, being a mother for the first time at the age of 37. All I had with me, apart from my things, were baby clothes, diapers, bottles and a few cans of powdered milk. I also had to pay for Beth's expenses, especially the pediatrician. My God, it was a lot of work. How did Juan manage it?
"Beth slept." My mother smiled as I sat in the kitchen of her house.
"How did you to do that?"
"Well... you were terrible, you had a lot of colic and cried a lot. But I've developed some ways of looking after you so as not to upset your father. They work with Beth too."
"I need to learn each one of them."
"They're simple things. Keeping the baby warm, putting it to sleep on its stomach or on its side, eating at the right time and sleeping at the right time."
"How can a baby Beth's age have a set bedtime?"
"A neighbor taught me. She even had a chart for it. I'd put you to sleep at certain times and the rest of the time I'd try to keep you awake. As you got older, you had fewer naps during the day and were able to sleep through the night."
"Really?"
"It worked with you and it worked with your brother."
I looked at my mother's kitchen full of cake tins, bags of flour and sugar. Half the fridge was filled with eggs. The whole house smelled of cake, and yet everything was so clean. It was how my mother managed to support herself: in addition to the help I sent every month, and that Thomas sent when he thought he could, my mother baked cakes. She received orders from all over Findlay and even from some nearby towns. My mother could do everything you could think of in confectionery. She didn't make elaborate, sophisticated things like you'd see on those TV shows, but everything Linda Corcoran made was very tasty. That's why she had many loyal customers. My mother was a very simple person, with little education and little reading. She never went to high school, she didn't read books and she believed the news. But it was amazing how wise she was in her simplicity, how much of a warrior she was in her stillness.
"Have you met your daughters?" My mother asked.
"Yes, I have." I smiled and showed her the photos I had on my cell phone. Some of them Juan had sent me. "This one is Santana. She's my daughter with Juan and she's the older one."
"She's beautiful."
"Santana is very suspicious, kind of bitchy... but she's very intelligent."
"Just like her mother, then." My mother smiled.
"Maybe. Well, this one is Rachel. I'm pretty sure she's Hiram's."
"Wow... she looks..."
"Like you. She looks almost exactly like you, mom. Except for the nose."
"Yes, Rachel looks a lot like us. You mean one of your daughters inherited your personality and the other your looks?"
"It's like God is laughing in my face. When I was pregnant and thinking of Santana, because I knew she was Juan's, I could only direct my hopes to her. Rachel, because I didn't know whose daughter she was, and I had hated Hiram ever since, she only received my thoughts of indifference. Rachel ended up inheriting my looks, my talent, my dreams... and I imagine God pointing its finger at me saying: see? The girl you rejected in your belly is just like you. Whereas Santana hates you."
"Santana doesn't hate you. She just doesn't know you yet."
"I don't think she will ever know me. Hiram won't let me be near the girls. In fact, he'll have two years to get into their head to the point that when they turn 18, Santana and Rachel will want me far away from them."
"Well, your other daughters are great, but you now have a baby who depends on you. You have to focus your strength on her."
"I know, Mom. Honestly, I think I need Beth more than she needs me. It's all been quite a challenge, and I'm afraid I'm not going to make it. I love this little baby, but I'm so scared."
"We're all scared, Shelby. A child doesn't come with an instruction manual. But you have good instincts. I know you'll manage, I know you'll pull through."
