Where propositions are made…

For the first time since owning this apartment I slept in the guestroom. For once I couldn't trust myself with sleeping next to Ana. What if my urge to make love to her overcomes me and I toss aside the last wall of defense I have left?

But the next morning I regret doing what I did last night. Ana has been exceptionally understanding of my situation yesterday. And the only thing I did in return was being rude, closed off and cruel.

I'm not sure I'm ready to face the consequences of my wrong doing this morning. What if she denies me in return? Her goddamn right to do so. What if she's broken hearted because I mistreated her again? Fuck, what if she cried all night and I didn't even bother to check in on her?

I should brace myself for an ass whooping that has no equal.

"Morning." I mumble and feel like a piece of shit. Ana is looking very puffy eyed. Fucking hell.

"Morning." She says. I can't classify her tone. It's fairly neutral.

Maybe I should just apologize right away without further beating around the bush.

"Ana, are you okay?" Or maybe not.

"I didn't sleep well last night but that's about it." she says and pours me a coffee. I feel even worse now, why isn't she properly angry at me? Tossing plates, cursing. Dish out the real drama?

Ana is just Ana. Better than I deserve.

"Listen, what I did yesterday.." I begin but her hand on mine stops me.

"I know. It's alright."

It's alright?? How is that even possible?

"No Ana. You don't understand.."I try again.

"I do. And it's alright." She leans in to kiss me and I'm stunned. Speechless.

"I'm going shopping today. Can Taylor drive me there? Parking is horrible on Saturdays." She begins to ramble.

"Sure." I say but don't know what I just agreed to. Had Ana just accepted that I acted like a jerk on top of punishing her unreasonably last night? Just like that?

My thoughts are still reeling while we have breakfast. Ana is very talkative this morning while leaving yesterdays happenings out of the picture.

God, how can she be so forgiving?

And even though Saturday is normally our day, she heads out of the apartment to go shopping. Saying that this is weird is an understatement. Ana isn't a shopping girl. I took her once to window shop a little and she didn't even consider getting anything "expensive". I wouldn't have called those things expensive in the first place as that's an arbitrary term. To me most of the things aren't expensive.. Just more or less of value.

So finally we walked by a jewelry store. Thankfully no prices on display. Persuading her to just have a look we went inside. A little heart shaped crystal pendant caught her attention. Telling me she owned a similar one from Swarovski as a teen. Although I knew it wasn't a crystal but an exquisite aquamarine. She did try it on and the change of color it had when looked at from different angles matched perfectly her mesmerizing eyes. For me, it was a sealed deal but Ana refused. As always. I didn't get what the great deal was about. It was just a little aquamarine, not a blue diamond. And even if. I can afford it. We got into a little argument on the way home. That was the end of going shopping. Since then the little box encasing the pendant is sitting in my desk drawer. Waiting. Yeah, I got Taylor to pick it up for me.

So her announcement to go shopping is in fact weird. Maybe this is just an excuse to get away from me without saying so right away? After all, I treated her like shit yesterday.

When she comes back a few hours later she approaches me instantly. She slides a nicely wrapped box towards me. I note that she's nervous. So this is either something illegal or kinky.

"Open it."

I do as told. To my surprise it's a camera. An instant picture camera. Alright. This is definitely a kinky present and that surprises me. I never thought she would want to be photographed.

"I want you to take pictures of me.."

"Seeing that's it's a camera, that's not a big surprise." I interrupt her.

"Would you let me finish?" she says with a wide grin. We both laugh at my inability to shut up.

"I want you to take pictures of me in scenarios where you feel strong and domineering."

Oh come on! Not that psychotherapy shit again.

"I get it. You think that's a dumb idea." She continues. At least she still reads me like an open book. Funny.

"Whatever it is you're trying to reach here. It's not going to work." I say and put the camera aside.

"I knew you'd say No right away. Please Christian, be a little more open minded."

I have to admit that taking Ana's pictures in an erotic context is an intriguing idea to me. Especially because she's normally very shy around the idea of being seen.

„What you said to me yesterday. It reminded me of something." She disrupts my train of thoughts. „In highschool my body dysmorphia was really ruling my life. So Ray took the advise of my school therapist and started taking pictures of me when I felt acceptable. There weren't many pictures to be honest. One was taken before prom and I remember spending so much time getting ready. Whenever I had a really bad episode I looked at it and whenever I did I somehow could see that there was a certain extent of beauty…"

I'm overwhelmed by the wave of insight she's giving me. It has been a long time since Ana really opened up to me. Our conversation yesterday, had been more or less about my dissatisfaction, never did I ask her how she really felt about everything. Which amplifies my frustration about the whole situation.

„We could give it a try. It won't do any harm and it's fairly easy to dismiss if it doesn't work out."

„Alright ." Is all I can say. Yeah, I'm emotionally overwhelmed. A Soft Dom who's searching for a reason in life. I want our relationship to work out so badly, it has numbed me, stripped me from my self confidence and fairly most of the joy that the BDSM lifestyle had brought me. The best example is my lack of enjoyment of the punishment I gave her last night.

Ana is really trying to help me back on my feet. Without destroying the love and trust that has brought us here. „If I did, any hard limits you want to discuss?"

„Regarding the pictures? Well.. In this instance that's for you to decide." That answer fucking tingles my senses in a good way. Yes! She's giving me the lead.

I pick up the camera and give it a test shot. With a few seconds delay her picture is lying in my hand.

Ana.

Looking at me with her beautiful eyes. Knowing that she loves me does make me feel whole. It's a surprisingly novel feeling.

„There's another thing I wanted to discuss with you."

„It's about what I did yesterday, right?"

„Yes and no." She shifts in her seat. „I spend most of last night thinking about what you said. About the punishments and feeling like loosing control."

I'm trying hard to come up with something that will dilute yesterday's confession, but I can't. Everything I said, however fucked up and unreasonable, was nothing but the truth. I hurt her in the past. And if the truth would be the reason we wouldn't work out? Let it be it. Better than seeing her slowly getting pushed into something she doesn't want. By me. Just to fulfill my longing of an ideal dynamic between us.

„Christian, I want this to work. I get it. Not everything has been to your satisfaction." This is my problem not hers. Why is she making this about herself? "I get it!" she repeats when she sees my expression.

„My second proposition for today is: Could you please punish me for things I have done outside of the bedroom?"

„You want to be my full time submissive?"

„Not really. Let's say something happened that made you angry. Even unrelated to me. I want you to take out.."

„My anger on you?" I can't believe what I just heard. „Ana, that's a huge No No in the scene!"

„I know. I don't care. We're not trying to impress anyone with how awesomely obedient we are to the rules of the scene. Yes. Pun intended."

„You don't know what you're talking about." What the hell are we even discussing. Have I given this woman a brain wash?

„Actually, I do. I spend the greater part of last night reading all about the Do's and Don'ts of BDSM. And you're right. It's normally a huge red flag."

„It's always a huge red flag." It took me years to realize that with the help of Flynn.

„However…I want to cite some very wise words a certain lovable man told me. We do what we fucking want. This is what I want to try with you."

Compared to this, the camera idea is just… innocent.

„Ana. I'm honored you're trying to ignore your hard limits for me – again. But this isn't a game here. I've been there. Done that. And it only leaves a hell lot of hurt and damage."

„No, Christian. What you did back then was, taking out your unrelated anger on women who didn't consent to that. This will be different. We both know what we are doing and why. More than that, I'm asking you to do it."

„You're not a masochist!" What's there to misunderstand? This won't work.

„You're smart enough to come up with plenty of other ways to punish me. Yes, I don't want the heavy whipping and caning. Besides that, I'm more resilient than you think."

For fucks sake. I need a drink. Leaving Ana behind me I head for the bar. Scary, how much my alcohol consumption has increased over the last few months. While Ana has made me the most happy and content in my whole life, the frustration and insecurity of her being my girlfriend without the submission aspect has spiked my anxiety. Without my usual outlet I'm drawn to whatever nonviolent method I can get my hands on. Another thing for Flynn to tackle…

„You really expect me to just punish you for whatever reason?" It sounds too good to be true and that's normally where the scam lies. Nothing in this world comes without a price. A price Ana is willing to pay just for me to get my shit together.

„I haven't really thought it through yet. I was hoping you would help me define how such an arrangement might look like. I just wanted to propose the main idea.." She comes close to me and takes the whiskey from my hand." For a start we could agree on only spanking. That's safe territory for both of us. We could do a ‚Punishment Sunday'. Other people go to church to do penance, we'll just have… a scene."

„We're both definitely going to hell for your proposition." I blurt. Even though I don't feel like laughing, both of us crack up a little. Finally, I need to get something off my chest.

"I'm not making you my emotional punching bag."

"You're not making me. This is my idea. Listen.." she comes a tad closer. "As you know, Bob is a professional baseball player. And guess what my mum hates almost as badly as pineapple on pizza? "

I don't know. I don't give a fuck actually.

"She hates attending practices and games and stuff. And now let me ask you… what do you think she's doing every Saturday?"

"Attending practices and games and stuff?"

"Exactly."

Wow. Ana is doing a lame ass job at trying to persuade me.

"That's completely the same to what you're proposing."

"Stow your sarcasm for another time. What I'm trying to say is.. Sometimes we do things for our partner that's not entirely what we personally enjoy. But it makes the love grow. Keeps the relationship healthy."

"I won't put my anger issues out on you!"

"You already do! Just in an unhealthy way!" Alright. Now we're yelling at each other.

Get your shit together, Grey. She's just trying to help!

"Last night you did." Shit, she's right. "Christian, we can try and see how it goes. Or we keep doing what we do and dive head first into a toxic relationship. Your choice."

That's not much of a choice is it? I wish that Ana wasn't so damn right. Would make ignoring her proposal so much easier.

"Fine. We'll try one session on Sunday."

"Thank you." She squeals and hugs me enthusiastically.

"You know that you've just agreed to be punished by me?" Why so happy then?

She smiles suggestively and shrugs. "Maybe you've unleashed the kinky side of me. Who knows?" And with a suggestive sway in her hips she heads out of the kitchen.

"Ana! We still have a lot to discuss!" I call after her. No answer.

I better write a donation check for the local church. Just in case.

This chapter was fun to write. After two chapters of only talking/arguing I think it's time to go back to acting it out. This fic is rated M/E for a reason after all.

See ya next week!

xx